"Jagiya, mianhae. I can't meet you for a couple of weeks." Jiyeon heard her boyfriend say over the phone. He said they will be going to Japan early in the morning. She hated it. She hates the fact that she couldn’t complain. She hates the fact that she couldn’t spend a special day with him. She hates it when he always doesn’t have the time.

Why are you telling me this just now? she wanted to ask but she didn't. Although their relationship is nothing but disappointments, she didn't want to complain. If there was one thing she learned from dating a celebrity it’s to be patient. Taemin is living his dream and she couldn't ruin it just because she's unhappy.

"I understand,” she said although deep inside she wanted more than just the rushed conversations on the phone, more than the few hours spent in a café on the rare days when he had a few hours to spare, and more than the ‘good night’s they exchange every night.

“Taemin…”

“Hmmm?”

When can I spend a whole day with you? When will I be able to have you for myself? Selfish thoughts which she could never say out loud. “Don't forget to eat your meals."

"I won't. Thanks, Jagiya. I'll call you when I can," he promised but she wouldn’t bet on it. She knew her boyfriend has the tendency to skip meals when he’s too busy.

“Ok,” she said and he hung up before she could even say ‘I love you’.

Disappointed and frustrated she threw her phone away then plopped on the bed and stared at the ceiling. She could feel hot tears well up from her eyes. Despite everything she still couldn’t be mad at him. She understands his passion for his work and she loves him too much for her to be mad at him. But although she understands, it doesn’t mean she could no longer feel pain.

She knew Taemin loves her too. On the rare days when they could spend a few hours together, Taemin never fails to show her just how much she means to him. Oh yes, he was trying. Though maybe not hard enough but he does. And those simple efforts make her love him even more.

It was 3 years ago when Taemin confessed to her. She could still remember how nervous he was that day. She smiled at the memory. She couldn’t believe how dense she was back then.

"Please don't make me say it," he said.

"Say what?" she asked. She just continued to stare at him with those curious eyes.

"Those cheesy lines guys usually say when they confess.” Maybe the ‘confess’ part was already a clue but if you hear it from someone like Taemin it wouldn’t make any sense. Because it’s totally impossible for him to like her. At least that was what she used to think.

"Can't you at least help me out here? I don't know where to start." It was the first time she saw him feeling unsure of himself. It was as if what he was about to do means so much for him.

He then took a deep breath before giving her a heart-stopping smile. "I love you. Please be my girl.”

She didn't know how she managed to say ‘yes’ and ‘I love you too’ but somehow she did. Taemin took her hand in his then slipped the ring through her fingers. It was the prettiest thing she had ever seen. She thought she couldn't be any happier until Taemin covered with his for a kiss which seemed so magical to be real.

And now as she thinks about the past and what-used-to-bes, she could feel her heart clenching painfully. Those happy moments doesn’t happen very often anymore. She’s tired and she wanted to do something about it.

She picked up her phone in a hurry, grabbed her bag and headed to the door. The thought of meeting him tonight sounds like a good plan.

~-*-~

It was dark outside, the cool breeze tickles her skin and she shivered. The roads were deserted probably because it’s in the middle of the winter and it was already late for people to be on the streets. She must be really crazy and desperate to be out on the streets during that cold night but she didn’t mind because she had a goal in mind.

She took a cab but when the roads became too slippery for cars to pass, she decided to walk the rest of the way. She passed by an alleyway and a scary looking man was standing at the corner quietly staring at her. The man had a look of a total bad - someone you would definitely not want to mess with. Everything in him says ‘danger’ and Jiyeon had nothing else on her mind but to run away.

She ignored the man and walked faster hoping she wouldn’t be noticed. However her hopes went down the drain when the man started walking towards her. Before she knew it he was already standing right in front of her, towering her. He looked scarier from a closer distance and she could feel her heart beating frantically out of fear.

"Hey, miss. Give me your money," he said in a deep voice and if his looks were not enough to scare her, his voice certainly did.

She was terrified, cold and pissed off. She was already having a bad day with Taemin leaving her for god-knows-how-long and now this. Shaking, she gave her bag to the scary-looking man fighting the urge to shove it in his face. The man snickered and started digging through her bag.

While the man was momentarily distracted, Jiyeon took advantage of the situation and started leaving. But she only managed a few steps before the man grabbed her arm preventing her from going any further.

"Wait," he said.

She followed the man’s gaze and noticed him staring intently at her finger, his face breaking into a wide grin for his good fortune.  No, please not the ring, she silently pleaded.

The man pulled her hand in an attempt to take the ring but she pulled her arm free and without looking back, she ran as fast as her feet would take her. But apparently she was not fast enough.

She winced in pain when she felt her arm being pulled back harshly. Before she knew it she was being pushed against the wall. She had never been terrified in her whole life as much as she was that night. Her eyes widened when she noticed the knife in his hand, its sharp edge glistening in the moonlight.

"Give me your ring or else I’m going to kill you." She didn’t need to hear the words for her to believe he’s capable of killing her if he wanted to. It shouldn’t have been a hard decision to make when you are in between a wall and a knife and knowing you are so close to losing your life. But for Jiyeon it wasn’t an easy decision when the ring means so much to her.

She didn’t have time to think though. The man was an impatient guy and he didn’t seem to like the silence she was giving him. She gasped when she felt a sharp pain in her abdomen, the knife piercing her insides in one swift movement. The man forcibly took the ring out of her now limp fingers before scurrying away in a hurry. He didn't give a second look towards the girl who was now lying on the ground with face twisted in agonizing pain.

Jiyeon covered the wound with her hand in a futile attempt to stop the blood from gushing out. The wound was deep and any movement she made only intensifies her suffering. She wanted to scream for help but the place was deserted. And even if she had the strength to call for help, which she didn’t, she doubted if there would be someone nearby to hear her scream.

A few feet away from her a sound of a phone going off was heard. The man must have dropped it when he left in a hurry. She used all her strength to reach for the phone and answer the call. Her efforts were paid off when she heard Taemin’s voice on the other line.

"Jagi... Still up?”

“Yes..." she said in a weak voice.

There was a moment of comfortable silence. It was as if Taemin was struggling for words and she could already picture out the look on his face as he tries to think of what to say. She loves this sappy side of him. He didn’t need to say the words. His silence was enough.

“I-I just wanted to hear your voice and… and to tell you happy anniversary.” Her lips formed a weak smile. He hadn’t forgotten after all. “I’m so sorry I won’t be able to meet you today,” he continued. “I know I haven’t been a very good boyfriend to you lately…"

"T-that's alright." Her voice shook and every word she spoke caused her to wince in pain but Taemin didn’t notice any of it.

"Oh yeah, right. I have something to tell you." Excitement was apparent in his voice. "We will be performing in Tokyo Dome next year. I wish you could come and watch."

She smiled despite the pain. She was happy for him. His dreams are becoming reality one after another. "T-that’s great…"

"Are you alright?" he asked when he finally noticed her voice sounds different.

No. I'm in pain. "Yes..." she lied.

"I miss you, Jagi…" Tears started falling from her eyes. The night was too cold, too ing cold for her taste. Her vision became blurry and she feels as if she was about to slip into unconsciousness. The pain was becoming more unbearable with each passing moment.

"I m-miss you too..." she replied.

Oh how much she wanted to see him tonight, more so now that she was so close to losing her life. She thought of Taemin and of how he would feel if he finds out. She felt a sharp pain in her heart, a different kind of pain, more excruciating than the pain in her stomach.

She didn’t want to hurt him.

She stared at the night sky and she wondered whether she will be able to see the same view again. Her breathing was uneven and the deep wound on her stomach was burning. It was becoming harder and harder to breathe. She was scared.

So this is how it feels like to be dying...

"I love you, Tae…" she said because she didn’t know if there would be another chance for her to say those words to him again. "You know it right?"

"Of course,” he replied. “I love you too, Jagiya"

Her ragged breathing was telling her she wouldn’t make it until morning. Her lungs were burning as if it couldn't get enough air. She already stopped her futile attempts to cover her wound and stop the blood from gushing out. All her efforts were useless and her strength was slowly deserting her.

She heard a faint voice of someone calling Taemin’s name and his response saying, "Yeah, I'm coming." To her he said, "Sorry, I have to go. I'll call you again as soon as I can."

"...kay," she managed to say with difficulty before she heard a beep indicating the line ended.

A choking sob escaped . Life is so unfair. There are people who wanted to end their lives and there are those like herself who were fighting desperately to live. Why can’t people have what they wanted? Why can’t those people who wanted to die be in her place instead? Because she was so ing desperate to live.

She wanted to live for Taemin. Was that too much to ask?

But then, something at the back of her mind was arguing that maybe it’s better this way. Taemin will no longer have someone to worry about. He could finally chase his dreams without her being on his way.

Yes, this is better.

She decided not to fight anymore- not that she had the choice. Even if she fights it, she knew she would still die anyway.

Her vision must have shut down for she could no longer see the night sky. All she could see was darkness and she hated it because if she’s going to die she wanted to at least see something pretty before she took her final breath.

I love you too, Jagiya, he said. His voice sounded so sweet and she wanted to remember the sound of his voice forever. She was thankful her ears were still functioning even if her eyes didn’t anymore.

She closed her eyes- not that it makes any difference because all she sees were darkness even with them open. And then she cried. She let the tears fall freely on her pale cheeks.

She could feel her consciousness slipping away. She could no longer feel the cold. The pain was no longer as unbearable as how it was moments ago. Even the faint sound of the passing cars in the far distance was fading away. There was just darkness and then silence.

Before she took her one last breath, a sad smile formed on her lips. She’s definitely going to miss him.