TWELVE

Colorful lights twinkled outside, adorning the trees along the road.
Carols were heard.
Laughter and giggles accompanied by the jazzy music filled the place.

It was that time of the year again.
A time of joy and festivity, they said.
A time to share warmth despite the cold weather, they said.

A time wished to be skipped, I said.
But also a time I felt belonged.

The bell jingled every time the door was opened.

And my silly mind always hoped it was her.
But of course, it wasn't.
Foolish me!

A smile curled on my lips as I greeted the customers.
A fake smile.

People love to come here.

They loved the scent of coffee and baked goods, they said.
It's warm here, they said.
I'm a very warm person, they said.

They didn't know a thing about me, I said.

Warmth?
I'm a child of winter.
I was born with coldness and frost covering my skin.

Every season is winter to me.
Not even the hot summer can melt my coldness.

I thought I would always live in coldness.
I thought I would never feel what people called warmth.

But she showed me warmth.
She couldn't melt away my outward iciness. But she sure did thaw the frost in my heart.

She introduced me to that very thing I thought I could never possibly feel.
She gave me warmth until I couldn't feel that ice inside of me anymore.
And I hated her for that.

I hated her for being the only one able to do so.
I hated her for making me feel vulnerable.
I hated her for making me so happy in feeling something that wasn't...me.

I pushed her out of my life.
I tried to go back to my old self.
I tried to indulge myself in coldness.
But I couldn't anymore.

Warmth was what I needed.
Warmth was what I wanted.
She was what I needed.
She was what I wanted.

But alas! I was too late to realize it.

I searched for her and found the truth I didn't want to admit.
My life was frozen when I learned of it. My heart was pierced with sharp icicles, leaving an unbearable pain.

She had been taken away.
Taken away by winter.
Taken away by frost.
Taken away by what I called friends.
Taken away by what I called "me".

If only I could melt away the frost blanketing the asphalt that day.
If only I was there with her in the car.
If only I didn't push her away.
Maybe I would still be able to feel that true warmth.

But now...
Even enveloping my hands around this mug of hot coffee didn't have any effect on me.
Now, even my own smile that made the customers smiled back couldn't extend its warmth to my heart.
Now, I had let frost cover my heart once again.

Maybe this way she would comeback.
Maybe this way warmth would greet me again.

But I know, they were all just foolish wishes and wistful thoughts of mine.

Colorful lights.
Melodious carols.
Hearty laughter.
The first snow of the season falling delicately.

Warmth all around me.
But frost blanketing my heart.