She couldn’t cry. She was hurt but she had no energy left to cry. Her head was dizzy and the buzzing inside her ears wouldn’t stop.

It hurt. It really, truly, deeply hurt.

She thought Taeyeon was different, what they had was real and she’d love her no matter what.

I was wrong, huh?

Tiffany gathered herself together. She breathed in and out to calm down. “So be it,” she encouraged herself. It wasn’t the first time. So she was used to it. She had to get used to it. 

With all dignity she had left, she collected all her stuff. She was so lost in her mind, replying the moments she had with Taeyeon, all the bad and good memories. She didn’t regret it, not even a second she could regret it.

She should’ve seen this coming. Taeyeon reacted badly when the incident with that certain guy happened before. So what did she expect? Her past was horrible. She was a horrible person and now she had to accept that Taeyeon finally lost it.

Every beginning had an end. So did their relationship. She’d move on at some point and when she looked back to this certain time, it’d be a precious lesson. 

“Done packing?” Taeyeon leaned at the doorframe with her arms folded in front of her chest.

You really can’t wait to kick me out? “A bit more.” Tiffany replied shortly.

She speeded up the cleaning. It wasn’t possible to pack everything in such short amount of time. She was about to ask Taeyeon’s permission to leave half of her stuff here when she felt a soft peck on her right cheek. Tiffany gasped at the sudden unexpected intimate contact.

“I think that’s enough for tonight,” Taeyeon spoke calmly. She took Tiffany’s hand in hers. Nothing had changed. The way Taeyeon held her hand. It was the same firm yet gentle and protective grip.

Tiffany felt like she was being hypnotized. What was with all this chaos? She followed Taeyeon’s lead without questioning or complaining. Her brain paralyzed. She couldn’t process anything.  She didn’t realize she was standing in the middle of Taeyeon’s bedroom.

Taeyeon Tiffany’s barely noticeable scar tenderly. Her eyes were dim and tired. “I have a creepy confession to make.” Taeyeon said with a low voice hoarsely. “There are many nights that I couldn’t sleep. I toss and turn around over and over again but I still can’t sleep. So then I get out to stare at your door. I never peek inside your room, I swear. I also sometimes stick my ear to your door hoping to hear your steady breath. It’s a bit stupid, I know. But I’m not a creep I can guarantee you that. I just – I just miss you too much and you’re just a door away from me, I can’t help myself.” The way she spoke, it was more like she was vomiting all the words she had been keeping inside without too much thinking.

Taeyeon leaned in and attached her lips onto Tiffany’s. The latter froze. She couldn’t kiss Taeyeon back.

“Kiss me please, Fany.” Taeyeon pleaded. She kissed her again. “Don’t leave me, I beg you. Kiss me.” She whispered. 

Tiffany felt her cheeks dampened. She cupped Taeyeon’s face and detached their joined lips.

“Fany.” Taeyeon started to sob. “Please don’t go. I love you, I can’t – I won’t survive without you. Please.” She begged again. “I don’t care about what they say. I don’t care even if the world hates you. I love you. Don’t leave, please.”

“I – I thought you want me to leave?” Tiffany wiped Taeyeon’s tears.

Taeyeon shook her head. “I want you to move into the same room with me.” She breathed rather quickly.

“You want to what?”

“Don’t you think now is the right time? I won’t force you to do anything you’re not comfortable. We can just lie here together, cuddling while watching your favorite soap opera or whatever. I want you to be the first and the last thing I see when I wake up and fall asleep. I want to be able to hug you, to kiss you, to touch you whenever I’m restless. I don’t like it that you feel so close yet so far from me,” she rambled.

“Taeyeon-ah.” She was speechless.

“Whatever happen in your past is in the past. I don’t care. I love you for you, for your past, your present and I’ll be in every step of the way to your future – our future.”

“It sounds too good to be true,” Tiffany muttered lowly. “You’re too good to be true.”

“Then be good with me? Be happy with me?”

Tiffany rested her head on the crook of Taeyeon’s neck. She clutched onto Taeyeon’s shoulder and squeezed it faintly. Taeyeon wrapped her arms around Tiffany. Various feeling was raging inside their chest.

“Why are you doing this? Why me? I can’t be the person who makes you lose what you have.”

“You’re the only reason that I have any of this. You believed in me, you supported me, you make me happy, happier than I ever thought I could be. You keep me going. Without you, I wouldn’t be anything. You’re a perfect human being, Fany. I would be a great fool if I let you go. I want a future with you and only you.”

She didn’t respond.

Taeyeon led her to the bed. The doctor supported her head by her arm, facing Tiffany. Tiffany’s eyes looked empty and exhausted. Never in million years she thought her confession about her past to Taeyeon would be this dramatic and hurtful. She had thrown away her bad history in States now some jerk had to show up and ruin everything. What would her friends think about her now? What would her colleague think? Imagining the whispers and the jeers she’d receive was more than enough to make her heart aching.

“A dollar for your thought?” Taeyeon softly poked her nose.

Tiffany inhaled a breath heavily.

“You look kind of scary with that smudged mascara,” Taeyeon chuckled to melt the ice. The lack of reaction made her stop. “Too soon?”

“Aren’t you ashamed of me?”

“Why would I?”

“Everyone in that event knows who you are and who you are dating.”

“I don’t really like the word dating,” Tayeon sighed. “Dating is more like – I don’t know, labile inexperience teenagers who smooch each other to look cool and break up a month later just because their partner is not in cheerleading squad or not the captain of sport club anymore. You and I… what we have is a grown up love. We’re mature. They may not like you like I do. We have our own past but don’t be ashamed. Do you think my past is not awful? I’ve loved than I’ve lost, Fany and I certainly don’t want to miss out on you.”

Taeyeon tucked Tiffany’s long bang to her ear. “You are my lady, dear. And I’m not going to give you up without a fight. I’ve just found you and as cheesy as it sounds, after this long time of waiting my heart finally says; hey, there you are, where have you been? I’ve been longing for you.”

That got Tiffany smile. “It is cheesy,” she giggled. 

“There it goes my favorite smile,” Taeyeon pecked her lips gently. “You’re beautiful and don’t ever forget that. Well, I volunteer to be your personal reminder everyday, no charge. How nice I am, eh?” 

“You’re a dork, you know that?”

“But I’m a cute dork! You love me!”

“That I do,” Tiffany smiled wearily. “I really do.”

Tiffany pulled Taeyeon towards her and kissed her passionately. She only stopped when she rolled up above Taeyeon then resuming their kiss. The kiss was different. There was more than just a desire that Tiffany poured in it. She wanted to surrender into Taeyeon’s touch. She was willing to give all of her for this woman without holding back.

Nervous? Scared? Out of question, yes. It made sense since she never had this kind of physical experience before. If they went all the way tonight, it’d be her first time.

She had heard from her friends about fly to the moon and feeling whole when they reached their high many times. Sometimes she grew frustrated and wanted her own experience with Taeyeon. But this short woman was too careful and whatever action she initiated went straight to nothing.

Tonight was no different.

“It’s late,” Taeyeon pulled back breathlessly. “You need to rest.”

“No,” she leaned in again.

“Fany-ah.” Taeyeon prevented Tiffany to kiss her again. “You have work tomorrow. You need to rest. Why don’t you clear up your make up then we can go to sleep?”