Chapter 23 pt. 2
Never AgainChaeyoung didn't answer his questions and before he could ask again the door opened once more, revealing two police officers. The doctor told her earlier that there would be police coming to give the details of the accident. Chaeyoung asked Jongwoon to stay inside the room and watch Kibum while she talks to the police outside the room not wanting her son to wake up and see them. "What is it?" she asked nervously. Because of his curiosity, Youngwoon followed his wife outside the room and waited as well for the police's reply.
"We talked to a couple of witnesses, including the witness who called, and they all said that the boy ran towards the middle of the street, sat down, and didn't move even when the victim was calling him to come back. ," one of the police said.
"What about the driver?" Youngwoon asked. Chaeyoung easily picked up the difference on the tone of his voice, strained and deep, compared to earlier when it was flat and expressionless.
"The driver took of off not long after the victim was hit. Fortunately, the witness saw the plate number on the driver's car and my colleagues are now tracking him down." After thanking him, the police left Chaeyoung and Youngwoon by themselves as soon as he had told everything he had to say about the accident.
Instead of going back inside Kibum's room, Youngwoon went and sat down a nearby chair. Chaeyoung did the same as she sat beside him and held his hand. They sat there for minutes without talking, and even though she had already grasped everything, she can see that her husband was still having a hard time accepting the truth. "How is he?" he asked. It has already been a couple of hours since he arrived at the hospital and he only realized that he asked about his son's condition, only thoughts of his dead mother occupying his mind.
Chaeyoung hadn't thought of how she was going to say that their son was sick, knowing the fact that it was her husband's personality why Grandma Kim decided to keep it a secret. "He's... fine, he wasn't hurt badly."
"That's not right," he muttered and she looked at him in confusion. "Mother died, and he wasn't even hurt that bad. How in the world that happened? She died and yet he’s still breathing like nothing happened to him."
She doesn't know what she should say, or react, or even feel at her husband's words. She was upset, devastated, and confused all at the same time. "Are you saying that you would rather that he was hurt badly instead of being alright? That you'd rather he was severely injured instead?"
"You heard what the police said, Chaeyoung, he ran towards the middle of the street and mother risked and lost her life just to save him. It's his fault why she died," Youngwoon yelled.
"Our son is sick, Youngwoon. He's mentally ill and mother kept it secret from all of us. She's been taking him to his treatments and I'm certain that it was the reason why she saved him." New tears escaped her eyes and Chaeyoung understood what her husband was implying.
"Well maybe she shouldn't have saved him and just let him die. There's no point in saving someone like him - someone useless and worthless - and if only she let him get killed instead she would still be alive today and not him. I am Kim Youngwoon, and I will not have a retarded son like him. From this moment onwards, I only have one son and that is Jonghyun. "
He stood up and walked away without another glance, and Chaeyoung saw her family break apart. Wiping and drying her tears, she stood up and headed back towards room her son was in. Jongwoon was already on his feet when Chaeyoung came in, her eyes red and glossy. She walked straight towards Kibum's side and held his hand.
"I heard what he said, Chaeyoung. I mean I wasn't eavesdropping, he was talking loudly so I heard it."
"I can't believe he actually said that, Jongwoon. How could he say such a thing about our own son? The way he said it, I felt like as if he was talking about something that doesn't even involve someone's life, like he was just talking about his work."
"Mother just died of course he's still hurting. And there's also a possibility that he's having a hard time to accept that she's gone, you know how close he is to mother, right? Maybe he just needed some time, and we just have to wait."
"I know that he's hurting but why does he need to say that he'd rather have our son killed?" Chaeyoung didn't notice that her voice became louder when she felt Kibum waking up.
"Mom." Kibum started crying as soon as he saw his mother, and Chaeyoung immediately enveloped her son in her arms, soothing him. "Mommy it hurts."
"I know, honey, it's going to be okay."
Chaeyoung hoped that what she said will come true, but when she looked at Jongwoon and saw the expression on his face, she already knew that it was unlikely to happen any time soon.
"We talked to a couple of witnesses, including the witness who called, and they all said that the boy ran towards the middle of the street, sat down, and didn't move even when the victim was calling him to come back. ," one of the police said.
"What about the driver?" Youngwoon asked. Chaeyoung easily picked up the difference on the tone of his voice, strained and deep, compared to earlier when it was flat and expressionless.
"The driver took of off not long after the victim was hit. Fortunately, the witness saw the plate number on the driver's car and my colleagues are now tracking him down." After thanking him, the police left Chaeyoung and Youngwoon by themselves as soon as he had told everything he had to say about the accident.
Instead of going back inside Kibum's room, Youngwoon went and sat down a nearby chair. Chaeyoung did the same as she sat beside him and held his hand. They sat there for minutes without talking, and even though she had already grasped everything, she can see that her husband was still having a hard time accepting the truth. "How is he?" he asked. It has already been a couple of hours since he arrived at the hospital and he only realized that he asked about his son's condition, only thoughts of his dead mother occupying his mind.
Chaeyoung hadn't thought of how she was going to say that their son was sick, knowing the fact that it was her husband's personality why Grandma Kim decided to keep it a secret. "He's... fine, he wasn't hurt badly."
"That's not right," he muttered and she looked at him in confusion. "Mother died, and he wasn't even hurt that bad. How in the world that happened? She died and yet he’s still breathing like nothing happened to him."
She doesn't know what she should say, or react, or even feel at her husband's words. She was upset, devastated, and confused all at the same time. "Are you saying that you would rather that he was hurt badly instead of being alright? That you'd rather he was severely injured instead?"
"You heard what the police said, Chaeyoung, he ran towards the middle of the street and mother risked and lost her life just to save him. It's his fault why she died," Youngwoon yelled.
"Our son is sick, Youngwoon. He's mentally ill and mother kept it secret from all of us. She's been taking him to his treatments and I'm certain that it was the reason why she saved him." New tears escaped her eyes and Chaeyoung understood what her husband was implying.
"Well maybe she shouldn't have saved him and just let him die. There's no point in saving someone like him - someone useless and worthless - and if only she let him get killed instead she would still be alive today and not him. I am Kim Youngwoon, and I will not have a retarded son like him. From this moment onwards, I only have one son and that is Jonghyun. "
He stood up and walked away without another glance, and Chaeyoung saw her family break apart. Wiping and drying her tears, she stood up and headed back towards room her son was in. Jongwoon was already on his feet when Chaeyoung came in, her eyes red and glossy. She walked straight towards Kibum's side and held his hand.
"I heard what he said, Chaeyoung. I mean I wasn't eavesdropping, he was talking loudly so I heard it."
"I can't believe he actually said that, Jongwoon. How could he say such a thing about our own son? The way he said it, I felt like as if he was talking about something that doesn't even involve someone's life, like he was just talking about his work."
"Mother just died of course he's still hurting. And there's also a possibility that he's having a hard time to accept that she's gone, you know how close he is to mother, right? Maybe he just needed some time, and we just have to wait."
"I know that he's hurting but why does he need to say that he'd rather have our son killed?" Chaeyoung didn't notice that her voice became louder when she felt Kibum waking up.
"Mom." Kibum started crying as soon as he saw his mother, and Chaeyoung immediately enveloped her son in her arms, soothing him. "Mommy it hurts."
"I know, honey, it's going to be okay."
Chaeyoung hoped that what she said will come true, but when she looked at Jongwoon and saw the expression on his face, she already knew that it was unlikely to happen any time soon.
The following days were the hardest for the family. Youngwoon became more hostile towards Kibum that he didn't even let his son attend Grandma Kim's burial, making him at home that the ahjumma chose to stay with him and watch over him. When Kibum asked where Grandma Kim was while everyone was at the cemetery, the only thing that the ahjumma could do was to smile sadly and tell the truth. "She's with your grandpa now, Kibum."
"Really? When is she coming home?" he asked. He was looking at her with big round eyes and waited for her answer.
The ahjumma almost shed tears when she realized that he misunderstood what she just said. But she doesn't how she was going to tell him properly that his grandmother was dead - that she died just to save him. In the end, she decided that it was no use if she lied to him, and since he was too young she hoped that he will forget about it soon so he won't be hurt. "No dear, she's not coming back anymore. She's gone forever."
"She's gone? But she promised that we will play after we get back from grandpa." When a tear escaped Kibum's eyes, more followed as he started crying. She picked up and tried to make him stop, calming him down as she rubbed his back and shush him.
An hour later, the family came home and when Kibum saw his parents come in he immediately ran towards them. The first one he saw was his father as he hugged his leg. "Dad, where's Grandma? Can we go see her? I want to see her."
But Youngwoon only pushed him away making him stumble onto the floor. Chaeyoung was carrying a sleeping Jonghyun in her arms, and when he saw that her husband was about to hit Kibum all she could was look away and ignore the sound of it. Kibum started crying and wailing and when she felt her son stirring in her arms, in quick steps she went upstairs towards Jonghyun's room and stayed there. Even inside the room, she can hear still the sound of her son's crying accompanied with her husband yelling. "Mom, Bummie's crying."
"Just go back to sleep," she said. Tears were starting to form in her eyes but she was holding them back, not wanting her son to see them.
"But Mom, what about Bummie?"
Chaeyoung looked at him in the eyes and saw that he was anxiously looking back at her. "Just follow my orders, Jonghyun. Cover your ears so you won't hear anything and try to go back to sleep, I'll stay here with you."
"Why? Shouldn't we go to Bummie and make him stop? Maybe he's fighting with his friends, or they won't play with him."
Hearing her son say those things flustered Chaeyoung and the thought that Jonghyun already knew about his brother's condition made her frozen in place. Thoughts of possibilities that both of her son have the same condition occurred to her, that somehow, they were both having delusions of seeing things that aren't real and things doesn't exist in the first place. When her awareness came back to her, she saw that Jonghyun was about to leave his room and hurried movement she was able to stop him. "Jonghyun-ah, what do you mean your brother's fighting with his friends?"
"Bummie has imaginary friends; he's always playing with them. He even tells you everything about them, Mom," he replied. Chaeyoung gently took his hand, brought him back to his bed and carefully looked him in the eyes.
"Do you know about his friends?" she asked. He nodded but didn't say anything else. "Do you know about them?" Again, Jonghyun nodded without saying anything. "What do you know?"
Jonghyun thought about it for a moment, remembering things his younger brother told him about his friends during those times they were able to play together. "Bummie likes being with his friends," he said, almost mumbling. "They always play together, and sometimes he scolds them if his friends were fighting or they did something wrong."
Chaeyoung thought if whether she should ask him or not but then decided to with the reason of both of her sons possibly having the same mental illness, and also the fear of her husband doing the same thing to their oldest son. "Do you see them?" she asked anxiously.
"No, only Bummie does," he replied as he shook his head. "But Grandma told me to pretend that they were real because she said if I don't Bummie will be sad. I thought there was something wrong with him because he was talking to the wall when I saw him once, but Grandma said that Bummie probably has imaginary friends because he was lonely. I don't want Bummie to be lonely anymore, Mom. Can I be his friend so his imaginary friends will disappear?"
When she heard what he said, Chaeyoung couldn't deny the relief she felt after knowing that her oldest son doesn't have the same condition as Kibum though what really relieved her the most was that Jonghyun won't be experiencing the same hostility from his father unlike his brother. "Jonghyun-ah, listen to me. From now on, I want you to stay away from your brother. Do you understand?"
"Why? If I do that Bummie will be sad, and I want to play with him right now."
He got off from his bed again but Chaeyoung stopped him. As much as she didn't want to get mad at him, knowing that if he disobeyed her orders and displeased Youngwoon, she knew that Jonghyun would be in trouble. "Stay here." Just then they both heard the sound of Kibum's crying becoming louder along with Youngwoon angry yelling. "Just listen to Mommy says, please? Stay away from your brother if you don't want Daddy to get mad at you as well."
Hearing his brother crying, his father screaming and saying things he couldn't properly understand, as much as he didn't want to Jonghyun can only nod his head. Chaeyoung carried him and brought back to the bed as she laid him down. She lay beside him and wrapped him in her arms, "Cover your ears so you won't anything anymore."
Downstairs, the ahjumma can only watch and stay where she was as Youngwoon hit his own son repeatedly. His anger towards the child in front of him made completely unaware or even see that Kibum was already covered in bruises from how hard he was hitting him. All he can hear was the same voice in his head that had been telling him that his son was the reason why his mother died and how he should be punished for her death. He couldn't register in his mind that if it goes on he might kill his own son with his own hands, only acknowledging his anger and hatred.
"You should have died instead of her!" He yelled at the child in front of him.
Kibum was barely doing anything anymore as his eyes closed and his body became limp. After his father hit him and his head hit the floor, he was already unconscious and yet Youngwoon didn't stop. It already been minutes since Kibum's cries died down, and more than half an hour later his father finally left him alone. On the floor, he was left unconscious and battered, his face wet and glistening with tears. When she was sure that Youngwoon was out of sight, she quickly made her way towards Kibum and held him in her arms wiping the wetness on his face.
She didn't notice that some of the maids were standing by the entrance of the kitchen, their eyes glistening with tears with what they just saw. When they heard the sound of a door closed, they went surrounded the ahjumma and see if Kibum was alright. But seeing the bruises on his body, they felt heartache for what happened to the young little boy. As gentle as she could, the ahjumma carried and brought him upstairs towards his room and gently laid him down on his bed. She asked one of the maids to get a basin of warm water and clean towel and asked another to make some porridge for the child.
When the maid came back with the water and towel, the ahjumma lightly used it to wipe Kibum bruised body. She tried to avoid pressing the wet towel on the bluish patches on his body and by the time she was about to wipe his face, she stopped short after seeing the bruise on his cheek. It was already starting to swell from the slap that Youngwoon did and the ahjumma asked the maid once again to get ointment. Even with just a simple touch, she can feel just how much Kibum's body was hurting from what his father did to him.
Seeing the child in front of her in such condition, the ahjumma finally understood why Grandma Kim wanted to keep her grandson's condition a secret from her oldest son. After witnessing how Youngwoon beat up his own son, not caring how young and fragile the boy was, the ahjumma can only feel relieved that he even managed to stop himself and let the boy live.
The next day, the ahjumma and even the maids can clearly tell how traumatised Kibum after what happened yesterday. As soon as he woke up, it was the same scenario when he was at hospital - crying and in pain. After Grandma Kim died and after what happened, the ahjumma swore to herself that she take the old woman's place and take care of Kibum with all her heart. She had seen how Grandma Kim take care if him and now it that it was just her, the ahjumma knew she had had to take all responsibilities that Grandma Kim left behind when she died.
The days that followed, it was as if Kibum was suffering all over again each time he opens his eyes. He would wake up crying, remembering how his father treated him. The ahjumma never left his side and even if it breaks her heart seeing him hurting she tried not to let it show. Whenever she tried to leave, Kibum would cry again and so wherever she goes, he would be in her arms holding her tightly in his little fists. Each time the ahjumma tried to put him down, he would make a fuss or even cry. In the end, she can only do her chores by making someone else in charge while she was taking care of him.
But when she brought him to the doctor after the bruises have yellowed and barely noticeable, the ahjumma noticed something else. Kibum hasn't talked yet after what his father did to him and each time they try to make say something, he would only shake his head and ignore them. They would try again and again until eventually they let him be. For months, he stopped talking and only made noises to let them know what he was trying to say. If he's hungry, he would point to his stomach. If he didn't want something, he would shake his head or make other noises that let them he know he doesn't want it.
While he was asleep, the ahjumma talked to Chaeyoung about Kibum. She knew what the latter was doing and she couldn't help but feel disappointed. "Aren't you even going to take care of him, Chaeyoung? You were upset when you found about his illness and now that you knew you're not even doing anything. Why are you ignoring your son?"
Hearing those words made Chaeyoung stop whatever she was doing and even though she was flustered a part of her felt accused and irritated. She knew that the old woman was waiting for her to answer, though she couldn't think of anything to say she chose to say what came to her mind first. "Why should I? It's because of him why my family is ruined, why my family is on the verge of falling apart."
"He's just an innocent, helpless kid. What makes you and your husband think that it he's to blame for all that happened? He could barely understand what is going on around him and you think he wanted for all this to happen? Your son hasn't talked after Youngwoon beat him up, and at such a young age he is already afraid to face the world and the life waiting for him. What his father did to him scar him - traumatised him. He couldn't even wake up each day without crying and feeling scared and here you are saying he's the reason why this family is falling apart."
Tears fell from the ahjumma's eyes, her heartache and disappointment towards the woman in front of her clearly shown. "How could you let it happen to him? How could your turn your back to Kibum - your own son - instead of stopping your husband and help him?"
"There's no point helping because even I did Youngwoon would still do it," Chaeyoung replied. She couldn't even believe that such words came out of after opposing the same reasoning just months ago.
"There's no point?" the ahjumma asked as her voice started becoming louder. "Your son almost got killed by his own father and you're saying there's no point stopping him?!" As her words left , the ahjumma felt her chest constricting and heart breathing became short.
"Ahjumma!" Chaeyoung cried, hurrying beside the old woman's side and helped her. "Maid! Maid!" she called. When a couple of maids came they saw what was happening and one of them immediately went to get the medicine for the ahjumma. "Help me bring her to her room."
Just as they were about to help the woman, she shook her hand signalling them to stop. The maid came back with her medicine and a glass of water as Chaeyoung helped her sit up. When the old woman took her medicine and lied back down onto the chair, she couldn't help but feel bad. It hasn't been that long since Youngwoon beat their son and yet Chaeyoung was already trying to make herself forget that it ever happened. Seeing that the ahjumma's breathing was coming back to normal, Chaeyoung silently walked up to her room and stayed.
It took Kibum almost a year before he started talking once again although even when he's attending his treatment he barely responded to the doctor. When the ahjumma told the doctor what happened, the doctor himself felt upset. Each time Kibum would look at the doctor, all he remembers was how his father looked that day and he would immediately look away. They tried to make him talk, to tell them if his friends were still around, but Kibum kept his eyes closed not letting them get anything from him.
The ahjumma kept a close eye on him, trying to see whether he would behave just like how he used to when Grandma Kim was still alive - active and was always talking about his friends. But she only saw him acting like a normal kid - playing by himself inside his room quietly, when they're together he would respond normally, and he hasn't talked about anything unusual or nonsensical. "Kibum, where are you friends?" she asked once.
They've been inside his room all afternoon after Kibum woke up from his nap. He insisted on playing with the toys inside his room instead of going down to eat when he barely ate anything before going to sleep. "I don't know," he replied. "They left me alone, now I don't have any friends at all except for Moo-moo Cow." He held up his stuffed cow for the ahjumma to see and quickly embraced it. "Do you think they hate me?"
"Of course not, dear. Your friends just simply..." The ahjumma thought of words that would make Kibum understand that his friends weren't real in the first place. "They are with your grandma now, Kibum," she continued with a sigh. "They're all together watching over you from heaven, and it would make them sad if you are sad."
Kibum only looked at her with his big brown eyes, though lacking expression the ahjumma can still tell what he was feeling. "But I don't have anyone else who will play with me except you. I miss them, ahjumma. I miss grandma, mommy, and daddy. Ahjumma, does daddy hate me?"
The ahjumma couldn't say anything. Knowing the truth herself, how she could directly say that his father couldn't care less if he died, that he even tried to kill him himself? How could she say such a thing to an innocent child? In the end, she only kept mouth shut and prayed that he won't remember what happened. But each time she sees him looking at his parents from the distance, she can see the longing in his eyes. When she tried to make him go to his brother, he quietly went up to his room and stayed. She knew how much Kibum was hurting seeing his parents only paying attention to his older brother - taking care of him and treating him as family - while they don't even look for him or ask about him.
When he started spending time with the maids instead - following them, watching them do their chores, and just simply staying by their side - the ahjumma noticed that he was distancing himself from his own family. Whenever his parents were nearby, he would run up to his room or to somewhere he would be able to hide. Even when Jonghyun tried to come near him, he would walk away without saying anything. But what really hurt her the most was that at such a young age, Kibum had already believed that he doesn't have a family anymore. Inside his own house, despite his family only being steps away from him, he already felt that he was alone. As he grew up, that belief remained and never changed.
~
"So Dad was treating him like this because he's blaming Kibum for what happened to Grandma?" Jonghyun asked Jongwoon.
Hearing the past from his Uncle made Jonghyun want to remember exactly everything so he would know himself that it was true, that such events actually occurred and such things happened to his brother. He can only remember some of it and because so many years had already passed, he wasn't sure how he was going recall all of it as accurately as possible.
Jongwoon nodded, "He thinks that since your brother ran into the middle of the street and Mother saved him, it's his fault why she died. He's not considering - or rather, he doesn't want to - the fact that he was still being treated and that mother saved him for a reason. Though even until now no one knows what that reason is."
"But is that it? I mean he's innocent, for god's sake he doesn't even remember his own past! He doesn't even know what really happened and even right now he doesn't know what's going on around him."
"Don't you think that's better then? At least he won't remember just how terrible his life had been before he forgot all of them."
"And what? Let him live without knowing anything? He already knew he's sick, the accident, and that someone died because of him. Are we still going to keep things from him, Uncle? Everything and everyone's been unfair to him, just until when are we going to treat him like this?"
"I understand where you're going, but with his condition, how do you think it would make him if he finds out that your grandmother died to save him and yet your father wished that he died instead?"
"He would feel guilty," Jonghyun said quietly. "Even after so many years, Dad still doesn't treat him as his son and even though Kibum doesn't say anything about it, I know he still wants Dad to recognize him as part of the family. He still cares about what Dad thinks of him even after what he did to him."
Jongwoon looked at his nephew and only felt sympathy and understanding. With how Jonghyun had been taking all of responsibility that initially belonged to his parents - taking care of his ill brother and resolving family matters - he can only imagine all of it gradually taking its toll on him. "Right now, you understand him the most - what he thinks and feels - compared to all of us here. You're his confidant, Jonghyun. You know what's best for him, so it's up to you when to tell him about the past. If you think now's not the time, then wait for the right time do it. No one's is going judge if you do it later."
Both of them decided to call it a night, and instead of going to his own room, Jonghyun went to Kibum's room and lied down beside his brother. He turned to his side and stared at Kibum, his gaze studying his brother's features. Seeing the latter's calm expression made him calm as well, temporarily forgetting what he was told just minutes ago. But it wasn't that long when he remembered it again, making his eyes prickly with unshed tears. "If you're in my position, which one are you going to do?" he whispered, making sure his voice low enough not to wake him up. "Are you going to tell me the truth about my past, or are you going to keep it from me as long as possible to prevent me from remembering just how horrible my life had been?"
He was only answered with silence, then the whistling sound of the wind outside making the windows rattle. When he stood up and went to the windows, he saw the latch was open letting the cold winter breeze enter the room. Jonghyun thought it was still the wind creating sounds but as he listened closely he realized it was Kibum once again groaning in his sleep. He have always wondered what it was that Kibum keep dreaming of every night, what it was that even in his dreams he wasn't allowed to be peaceful. His expression that used to be calm became pained as his hands grip the blankets around him.
Just like as he had been doing for the past few weeks, Jonghyun took his brother's hand and held it tightly, waiting until the latter finally calmed down. Even without knowing how, whenever he held his brother's hand it always seemed to calm the younger down that even when he's asleep, the feeling of someone's touch soothes him. "Is this going to be the only way to help you, Bummie? What about me? Is there no one to help me through this?”
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