Chapter 25
Never AgainA/N:
so here it is my lovely readers... the chapter where you guys will start hating me (or love me even more hopefully...)
it's heartbreaking, and gut wrenching, and is just full of pain and angst.....
soooo... happy reading I guess.... XPXP
- immaLocket029
Two days later, Jinki didn't think that everything was going to happen so fast for him. That day, the final decision came to him without him actually deciding on it. When his father came to his office that morning, all he ever saw was an envelope being placed on top of the documents he was reading through and without any word Taejin left. It made him feel confused about the mysterious envelope left in front of him yet at the very back of his mind something told him that the contents inside the envelope wasn't near any type of good news. Despite the sickening churning in his stomach he reached and opened the envelope, took its contents and somehow felt dumbfounded to see what his father just gave him.
A one way plane ticket and his passport.
He reached for the plane ticket and read it, seeing that in just seven days he will have to leave the country. In just a week, he will have to make himself think and believe even more that leaving is still the best choice for all them. After that one week, he'll be thousands of miles away from everything he was used to living with, people he was used to seeing every day, and most of all, thousands of miles away from him where he won't be able to drive to wherever he is whenever he wanted. After those seven days are over, they'll be continents and seas away from each other.
The minute he saw the plane ticket and the date of his supposed departure, he half expected himself to be frustrated, hurt, or even sad. But when he realized that instead of feeling either of the three, he was feeling nothing. He wanted to feel something or anything at all, something that would at least try to convince him to stay and get rid of the envelope in front of him. What his cousin told him two nights ago certainly affected him, making him seriously reconsider his decision. Half of him wanted to leave and start a new beginning surrounded by a new environment, new people, and new things that will give him new memories. But then there's his other half who wanted to stay and live in both the past and the present, willing to live through the pain, the longing, and the anger.
When he still felt nothing he gave up and placed the enveloped inside his drawer and tried to focus back on his work, willing himself to erase the image and the thought of leaving just for a while enough for him to get through the day. It worked briefly, that was until Joon came inside his office and asked him that question he got tired of asking himself the past couple of weeks.
"So what is it, Jinki?" Joon asked immediately as soon as he had taken as seat across Jinki's table, his gaze steady. "Are you still going to leave or are you going to stay here?"
Instead of answering the latter, Jinki sighed as he once again took the envelope from his drawer, stood up from his chair and made his way towards his cousin and handed it to him. Joon was confused but nevertheless took and opened the envelope, reached for its contents and read it. Just like how Jinki felt when he saw what was inside, his cousin was also stunned as he looked at the latter with wide eyes and a questioning look on his face.
"What the hell is this?" Joon asked again, his voice louder and had gone fierce.
"He gave it to me earlier," Jinki replied, his tone flat and monotonous. "I knew deep down that he wanted me to leave, that he was just waiting for me to make that decision on my own after watching me torture myself this whole time. At least, that's what I think. When I saw what's inside that envelope I feel like it's too late for me to change my decision, with everything already prepared so I can leave as soon as possible. I didn't expect that it'll be this fast. I thought I still have time. But what was I thinking? After finding out about my father's true colours how can I still expect him to be at least considerate or even go back to his old self just for a while - for me. I just let my hopes up for nothing."
"So you're going to let Uncle win? Let those people who forced the two of you to separate win? That's being a coward, Jinki, not bravery. That's disregarding your pride by conceding defeat instead of standing up for yourself. Two nights ago, what I told you, did it even enter you mind at all or did it just pass through you like it was nothing? I know I told you that it's your choice, that it's up to you what you wanted to do but right now I feel like you didn't even bother considering those options at all."
"I did consider those options, Joon. They were the only thing I could think about since that night because I don't know what to do anymore. If I stay, then what? Even if I try to get close to Kibum both Jonghyun and President Kim will make sure that I won't be able to get near him no matter how much I try. If they have to I know they'll hide him from me so I won't see him. As long as there are people willing to separate us apart, as long as there are people against us, Kibum and I won't be able to get back together."
Joon couldn't help but look at his cousin in displeasure. "You've really given up on him, haven't you? Just months ago, you kept telling me how much you love him, how much you can't live without him, and how much you'd rather die if you lost him. But now look at you, do you even realize what you've become? You're a puppet, Jinki. You've let those people - especially your father - tie strings on your wrists and legs and let them control you. Hell, you're even letting them control what you feel and think now. Have you forgotten what you told me? You said he was your life, that you wanted to be with him for as long as time will allow you. You..."
"So what if I said that?" Jinki interrupted, his tone sharp and somewhat disrespectful. "Am I not allowed to change my mind? Am I not allowed to take back what I said? I already pushed Kibum away that night when I told him the most hurtful things I could ever think of. I made him hate me by hurting him - betraying him. And I know what I said that night had crossed the line because I saw just how much it affected him. What makes you think that I can still take him back after doing that to him? How could I possibly go to him and tell him that I was sorry, that I didn't mean to hurt him? Nothing can change the past, Joon. I can't take it back anymore."
Joon threw the envelope on top of the table separating him and Jinki. "No, but you could at least tell him that you were wrong to do it. Dammit, we both know you're only forcing yourself to do this because you think you don't have any other choice, Jinki! You're making yourself believe in lies just like how you made Kibum believe that you gave him up because you can't do it anymore. Is that how you want to live once you turn your back away from everything? Believing in things that you know damn well that aren't true? Shouldn't the fact that you still love him enough of a reason for you to stay? That maybe, despite what you've done and said to him, he's still there waiting for you get him back? That he's being imprisoned and he's waiting for you to rescue him? Have you ever thought about that, huh?"
Jinki could clearly see the anger coming from his cousin, his eyes burning with rage and his voice loud and booming. When Joon's words started registering inside his brain multiple emotions started popping up that he doesn't even know what he was really feeling. There was anger, remorse, and even hope. But he was already sick of being swayed, of people trying to change his mind and of people telling him that he's wrong. Ever since the forced break up everyone's only making things worse for him instead of cutting him some slack so he could breathe and get through the pain. His mother who tried to marry him off to some stranger; his father who caused his misery; his brother who couldn't stop bothering him about getting back together with that person just because he is a dear friend; and now his cousin who kept trying to change his mind.
How could he possibly stay when everyone he thought who could help ease the pain were actually the ones who will bring more?
"Why do you care so much about what I do, Joon? It's not your life that's going to be affected. It's not your life that's ruined. And it's most definitely none of your business whether I stay or not. This is my life, do you hear me? I can do whatever the I want to do with it."
Not being able to stop himself, Joon threw a punch straight at his cousin and hit him square on his left jaw, making him stumble backwards. Jinki didn't saw it coming nor did he expect it even when he knew how mad the older was. He tasted the salty-copper taste of blood inside his mouth and somehow he let out a bitter laugh. He doesn't know the reason behind his laugh and he certainly doesn't know what's going on with him all of a sudden. Deep within him he wanted to cry, to be upset, and just release the anger that has been lingering inside of him for so long. But when something came to his mind, Jinki figured that he was laughing at himself. He realized that all along, ever since that day, he's been blaming his father for the pain he's going through. But through it all, he was also hurting himself by doing the opposite of what he really wanted to do and what he should've done. That he himself was also to blame for his suffering.
"You ing bastard!" Joon yelled angrily and as soon as the words left his mouth he threw another one after another at Jinki, making his cousin fall on his back. Seeing his cousin like that, without a doubt, made him upset. He knew that Jinki was hurting deeply despite the façade he kept showing to everyone. He knew either more than everyone or not just how much what happened to him - to them - was affecting him. So when those words came out of Jinki's mouth he wasn't able to control the anger he was feeling that his body reacted before he even knew it.
"If you were going to be like this, then why in the world did you even let your relationship with Kibum last that long, Jinki? If you weren't even able to fight for him until the end then why in the world did you even promise that you will? You told me you knew all along who he was, and you told me you didn't care about it. So why care now when the two of you have obviously gone far enough to care about such things? Did you even love him the same way you kept telling me? Was your love for him even that close? Or were you just lying to yourself and to Kibum from the very beginning because you never really loved him?"
Jinki sat there contemplating Joon's words, his eyes locked on the grey carpeting floor of his office. He kept thinking it over, asking himself those question to find out the answer. He did love him, didn't he? That was why he was hurting, why he wanted to leave because he couldn't stand the pain of not being with him. But how come those words hurt him more than he expected? All of them stinging his heart far more painful as if he had been stung by a thousand bees. He knew why he made those promises to him, he knew why he promised that he will fight for him. Because he loved Kibum with all his heart, far more than he ever loved someone in his life. Because he didn't know that their enemies were more than just one single person. Because he didn't know that they were outnumbered and that their enemies had created an alliance strong enough to force them apart.
And because at that moment, it was the only thing he could of, the only thing he can say to him hoping that somehow it will come true.
Deep in thought, Jinki only remembered that he still hasn't answered Joon's questions. As he was about to open his mouth, Joon started talking once again. "You don't know the answer, do you?" he scoffed when Jinki stayed silent. He didn't wait for his cousin to talk as he threw one last punch on him, regret and sympathy far from what he was feeling. "Even if he and I weren't that close, that one's for Kibum. Have fun on your way to hell, you bastard." With that Joon left the room without another glance towards Jinki, slamming the door hard enough to rattle the portrait hanging on the wall. Even when he's already all by himself, Jinki still wanted to say that it was not true, that he did and is still in love with Kibum. He wanted to say that if only he could, he would have fought long time ago.
But it was too late.
It was too late to tell - to clarify - himself from accusations that only surfaced due to anger. Jinki tried to stand up only to stagger a few times before finding his balance. He took his handkerchief from his pocket and wiped the corners of his mouth, ignoring the stains on the silk cloth. When his eyes landed on the envelope still lying on top of the table, he started feeling the strong temptation to surrender and succumb to what he was trying to make himself do. He took it once again and this time he carefully closed the envelope, placing it inside his bag instead of putting it back inside the drawer.
When Jinki came home that night and saw his brother, he realized that he still had to tell Taemin about his plan on leaving. They hadn't been talking to each other for a while now and Jinki knew that telling about his departure isn't exactly a good thing to say. But he also knew that he had to at least say goodbye to him even if it means only making things worse between them. He saw Taemin inside his room sitting in front of the computer, just like always, looking through still images of videos he was editing. On the monitor, he could make out faces of people he both know and don't know. And when Taemin clicked a still image and a new image came on the screen, Jinki felt his heart sink.
There on the screen was an image of him and Kibum, their arms wrapped around each other with smiles on their faces during Kibum's birthday. Even from the small distance Jinki could clearly see his features - his eyes lovingly looking and smiling at him, his smile that he always show him, and even the way his arms wrapped around his waist as if he was afraid of letting him go. Looking at the image made Jinki remember that day as if it only happened yesterday when in reality it was already months ago - back when he and Kibum were still together. Back when all they could feel was their love for each other. Unlike now.
He wanted to divert his gaze towards something else, see something else as long as it's not him. He was about to head back towards his room when Taemin suddenly called him. "Are you really leaving?" he heard him ask. Jinki turned around and faced his brother. He couldn't see any expression on the latter's face yet his tone was sharp and cold, his gaze as if he was boring holes into him. "I heard Mom and Dad talking the other night in the kitchen," Taemin started. "Dad said you're even planning on taking your name out of the family registry. Have I really lost significance in this family that I'm only able to find out what's going on through other people? By listening to a conversation that I'm not a part of despite the fact that I am also a member of this family? Please enlighten me 'cause I'm dying to know."
"Taemin-ah, I'm sorry," Jinki started, taking a seat on the bed facing the latter. "I know I should've told you about it first when I was still considering it, but I just couldn't handle it anymore. If I stay here any longer, I'll go insane. And... I'll be honest with you - I'm still hurting. I want to stop thinking about him but each time I try I keep failing and it only makes things worse for me. And it's not just him, Taemin, everyone else as well. When I'm at work I feel eyes following my every move, judging me, pitying me, and some giving me this feeling that I deserve all of this. Even you, Tae, you're just like everyone else. All of you kept making things worse for me and I can't stand it anymore."
Taemin was stunned, upset, and most of all, he was hurt. But despite the sting his brother's words caused him he stayed composed, making sure that he wasn't showing any hint of what he was really feeling deep down. He thought that he and his brother were together on the same side, that it was the two of them against their parents and everyone else who's against Jinki's relationship with Kibum. But never once did he thought that Jinki would abandon him, leave his side and let him be all alone inside the house that had become hell for both of them. His ally, who he thought and understand was going through a hard time, had left him alone in the battlefield.
"Fine, if you say so. I'm insensitive, bratty, and overall annoying. I get it. You've reached your limit, everything and everyone around you makes you feel like , and just like you said, you still think about him. You're hurting. But do you have any idea how pathetic you look right now? For so many weeks you kept denying it and then all of a sudden you're leaving because you're hurt? This whole time you could've just told me everything, hyung, instead of keeping me in the dark. If only you told me everything then I wouldn't have pestered you, that maybe this time right now we would have done something. But no. You just had to lie to
me just like how you've been lying to yourself until now." Taemin stood up from his chair and paced around the room.
Jinki stood up as well from the bed and took his brother's hands in his, tightly holding them. "I'm sorry I lied, okay? I just don't know how to deal with it, Tae. It was never like this with my past relationships that's why I have absolutely no idea what to do. It's not that easy to just forget about him and move on. I have to make myself do it, force myself, otherwise I'd just break apart completely."
The two of them stared at each other for a while, neither of them saying anything. As they stared into each others eyes, Jinki felt apologetic towards his brother. And when a tear fell from Taemin's eyes it only made him feel worse. "Joonie hyung told me about what Dad and Mr. Kim did to the two of you. How they hurt Kibum hyung and how they forced you apart. Now I know what really happened, why you're so mad at Dad. But please stay, hyung. Don't leave me here. I promise I'll never mention anything about him anymore just please don't leave. I don't want to be here with Mom and Dad all by myself. I don't think I'll be able to handle it but if you stay I can endure it until I can move out. Just please don't go. If you really want to go then take me with you."
It was that moment where Jinki once again saw that night, where HE was pleading not to go, not to leave him. HE promised something as well that would make him stay, hoping that it would change his mind. But just like that night, he didn't listen. Instead of answering his brother, Jinki only embraced him and hoped that someday, Taemin will come to understand why he chose his decision. When he came back to his room, despite his brother's words repeating inside his head he started packing some of the things that he planned on bringing with him. For some reason, he easily found boxes inside his room that he didn't know where from, he only knew that he needed them in order for him to leave properly.
He thought it was going to be hard for him to store away most of his belongings, but just like how it had been back in his office everything was tolerable enough - distracting, even - that time had also flown by without him noticing it. By the time he decided it enough for the night, his room was almost void of anything. The only remaining things were some his books, his office supplies, and clothes that he will need for the last seven days. Everything else had been stored inside the boxes - pictures, certificates, plaques and trophies of recognition and achievements he had received in the early years of his life and at work, the rest of his books, and other things he consider of sentimental value.
Instead of leaving them in plain sight, Jinki placed the boxes under his bed while one of his suitcases that was already filled was stored inside his closet. It made him feel anxious seeing his room bare and empty, the lack of proof of his happiness and everything he thought that made his life complete and perfect. Though deep down he knew that the sole proof of his happiness and the one who completed his life was long gone. Everything else was just a replacement, attempting to cover up what had been lost even though it failed miserably. Nothing could ever hide his remorse, hate and sadness of losing the most important person in his life.
~
It had only been a few hours ever since the two of them had sealed their pact as brothers but to Jonghyun, it meant so much to him. It had taken him years to finally once again have his brother back, to have his trust, and to have that bond that their parents broke when that terrible incident happened twenty years ago. He never imagined how happy it would make him feel to hear Kibum call him 'hyung' once again after years of being distant and the constant fighting due to petty - almost ridiculous - reasons that they were able to resolve with just letting out what they truly feel.
And so that night, Kibum had asked him if he could stay with him in his room and if they could sleep together. Without any hesitation Jonghyun agreed, their hands that been holding each other's throughout the day tightened their grasps. As much as he was happy about what happened earlier that day between them the feeling of his brother's small, very bony hand in his deeply worried him. He had been making sure that Kibum eats his meal every day, that even though his brother would refuse to finish everything he'd make him eat at least half of it. He was doing everything he can but Jonghyun still doesn't know why Kibum's body doesn't seem to be gaining any of the weight he had lost.
When the two of them laid down on Kibum's bed facing each other, their hands still together, Jonghyun only watched as the latter closed his eyes and eventually fall asleep. It made him relieved that despite what has been going on, Kibum was able to rest and be temporarily away from the cruel reality they are in living in though in order for him to actually have a peaceful sleep, Jonghyun made it his nightly duty to hold his brother's hand to keep his nightmares away. That's why when time passed and not a faint groan escaped Kibum's lips that Jonghyun felt relieved of the peaceful sleep that his brother was having that night.
Jonghyun wasn't sure how long he had stayed watching Kibum sleep, waiting if his nightmares will come. But when he woke up and saw the rays of light from the risen sun through the window, he realized that it mustn't have been that long after Kibum fell asleep when sleep also came to him. As soon as his eyes adjusted from the sudden brightness and his blurry vision focused, a smile formed on his lips when he saw that Kibum was still beside him, their hands still tightly clasped, and him still sleeping peacefully. In the morning light, he was once again able to see his brother's features. And again, he felt worried about his brother's health, how it has deteriorated so much in just a short amount of time.
As gentle as he could, Jonghyun unclasped their hands as he stood up and reached for his phone on top of the side table just behind Kibum. He checked the time and saw the date as well, realizing that Kibum would have to go to school that day as classes once again resumes after the holiday break. To him, he couldn't imagine just how was he going to let his brother be out of his sight for a few hours not knowing what he was doing or if everything was going okay with him. The number of times he had seen Kibum break down and lost control of himself during the two-week break had been terrifying enough, and the thought of it happening again without him nearby made him afraid.
Ignoring the ugly thoughts in his head, he went back towards the bed and lied down again carefully brushing his brother's hair that had fallen in front of his eyes. "Bummie," Jonghyun called. When Kibum didn't respond, he called again louder and playfully. "Bu~mmie~."
Kibum brows frowned, and slowly his lashes started to flutter until his eyes opened. For a minute or two, he looked around him, his hand in between him and Jonghyun stretching and relaxing where it is. When he finally saw that his older brother was looking at him with a smile, he immediately looked somewhere else, making Jonghyun's smile grow bigger. Eventually he closed his eyes again and curled up on his side closer to his brother, clutching both of his hands underneath his chin.
"Bummie, you have to wake up now," Jonghyun said, shaking him gently. "You have school today, don't you?" Hesitantly, Kibum slowly nodded. "Do you... do you want to go today?" Again, the latter he nodded hesitantly. "Okay, then you have to wake up now otherwise you'll be late."
When he didn't move, Jonghyun sighed and sat up as he started pulling his brother. Each time he pulled, Kibum would groan until both of them were of out of bed and Jonghyun was half carrying him by the arms. "Do you want to wash up first or do you want to eat?" he asked, looking down at the latter.
"I'm not hungry, hyung," Kibum said, his voice thick and coarse from sleep.
"Wash up, it is."
Jonghyun pulled Kibum with him as they both made their way towards the bathroom, pushing him inside and closed the door. "When you're done just go downstairs and eat you're breakfast. I'll take a bath and be downstairs in a while and then after I'll drive you to school, okay?" He didn't wait for his brother's reply as he left the room. Half an hour later, he went downstairs only to find that Kibum wasn't in the dining room eating like he told him to. He went back upstairs towards Kibum's room and found the younger sitting on his bed, his hair wet and messy and is still wearing the same clothes he had worn when they went to sleep the night before. The sight made Jonghyun exhale a sigh.
"Why are you still here and why aren't you dressed yet?" Jonghyun asked as he crouched down in front of his brother.
"Dad's downstairs," Kibum said in a low voice. "I can't go there."
A brief flash of fear appeared in his eyes that made Jonghyun feel both frustration and understanding. "Okay, I'm here now. We'll go downstairs so we can have our breakfasts, and then we'll go." When Jonghyun stood up and grabbed Kibum's hand, the latter whimpered. "Kibum, please. We can't go if you don't eat something. Just... try not to think about Dad being there so you won't be scared."
But it didn't seem to work as in the end, Jonghyun decided to let him stay in his room so he can change his clothes while he prepares and takes their breakfast up to his room. After two slices of bread and a half cup of warm milk later, Kibum said that he's full. Jonghyun tried to at least make him eat the porridge he had asked their cook to prepare just for him but eventually he gave up and they both made their way downstairs. As they walked down, Kibum tried and kept trying to hide himself behind his older brother from their father's sight, tightening his hold on Jonghyun's hand each step they took.
Before they could reach the front door, Jongwoon appeared startling Kibum. "Where are you two going so early in the morning?" he asked, a wide, kind smile on his face.
"Uncle, Kibum's classes resumes today. I... I don't really mind if he wants to stay home but I asked him if he wanted to go and he said yes, so, now we're going." Jonghyun gave Kibum's hand a brief, tight squeeze in reassurance - in hopefulness - that everything will be fine.
"Ah, is that so? Well, then, go now. You don't want to be late on your first day," Jongwoon said to Kibum. "Jonghyun-ah, is he wearing enough layers? The sun might be shining bright but the freezing wind outdoes it. Make sure he's warm enough. We don't want him to get sick now, do we?"
Jonghyun tightened the wool scarf he had wrapped around Kibum making sure that his neck and chin was covered enough from the cold. "Go inside the car first, Bummie. I'll be there in a minute." Kibum hesitated at first but nevertheless obeyed. When he got inside the car, Jonghyun anxiously said, "Uncle, I'm worried. What if something wrong happens while I'm gone? I won't be able to go to him just like that, and even if I leave my work I won't be there beside him fast enough. I had to make him wear four layers because his clothes had become too big - too loose - for him. I even had to make him wear another pair of pants. Uncle, this is serious. This isn't normal anymore."
"Look, Jonghyun-ah," Jongwoon sighed, looking at his nephew in sympathy, "I've already told you this before: the decision is up to you. The doctor had told us that his condition really did had gotten worse and that starting the treatment again is highly recommended. But when to do so is up to you. I mean, your mother has given you permission to become Kibum's guardian and that he's become your responsibility. If you want Kibum to start his treatments and medication then we'll just abide by your decisions. And if you're going to ask me, I say now is the right time before its too late."
~
How many days had he spent all cooped up in his room? How long had he stared outside the window seeing nothing but white when the sun's up and then darkness when it goes down? How many million thoughts have crossed his mind and yet he couldn't even remember what some of them were? How many questions had he asked himself out loud of what really happened, how those memories of him actually feeling happy and loved happened? If they really did happen in the first place. And just how long has it been really, after his life had ended and this new, strange and terrifying one had started? To be honest, Kibum doesn't know.
He doesn't know what day it was, what date, just that Jonghyun had told him he has school that day. During the whole break Kibum didn't even realize that the day had ended and a new one had started. He doesn't even know for sure if he had slept during the nights, if he was awake in the day because to him everything was a continuous cycle. The whole thing consists of nothingness, loneliness, and most of all, fear - always fear. Awake or asleep, everything seemed and felt the same. But there was one thing he was sure of. There were missing parts of his life that everyone knew except for him and are trying to hide it from him.
As he sat inside the car waiting for his older brother, he recalled his conversation with his uncle. The strong refusal to tell anything clearly meant that there was something from his past that was being kept hidden from his knowledge. And his brother, whom he had began to trust and believe, was the key to finding out what it is. When Jonghyun got inside the car and started the engine, Kibum thought whether or not he should ask about that question he had asked the day before. But when he opened his mouth, only air came out. Instead, he looked outside the window and watched as the frozen streets zoom by in blur.
Not long after, they stopped. "We're here," Jonghyun said, pulling him out his thoughts.
Kibum looked around and saw the familiar parking lot of the university with, despite the cold weather, students standing outside talking and laughing. Suddenly, he started regretting why he even said he wanted to go. He didn't even hear the sound of the car door opening and closing, or even notice his brother opening his door and waiting for him to get out. When he got out of the car, there was a sickening churning in his stomach that made him still. He took a peek from the corners of his eyes and to his surprise, there were dozens of pairs of eyes him watching from all direction.
"You know, to be honest, I don't want to leave you here because I won't be able to see you. I... I'm worried, I'm scared, and I just..." Kibum could tell that Jonghyun was deeply worried about him, the older's deep sigh a sign. "You know what I shouldn't be saying these things to you right now. Today's going to be alright. You'll go to your classes and I'll go to work and everything's going to be fine. There's nothing to be afraid of and there's absolutely nothing to be worried about. Are you feeling okay?"
But Kibum couldn't say anything. All he could think of were the pairs of eyes suddenly watching him that moment, making feel insecure and small.
"Okay, I'll take that as a yes. I just hope I'm not panicking too much so I'll just go ahead because I'm actually, uh, ten minutes late for work already. Here," Jonghyun reached inside his coat and handed Kibum a phone. "This is your new phone. Dad... he, uh, broke your old one so I bought this. I already put my number on speed dial so you just have to press 1 and... What am I saying? You know how a phone works. Remember, if something's wrong just call me, okay? I don't care if I still have work to do if you need me I'll come to you. I'll see you soon, alright?"
With that, Jonghyun kissed the top of his head and ruffled his hair, exhaling a long sigh before walking back to his car and drove off, leaving Kibum standing all alone in the frozen ground. He tried to swallow the lump that had formed in throat as he took a step forward, hugging himself from the cold. Each step he took, he could feel the eyes watching him moving along with him, making his stomach feel queasy. He thought it was just the blowing winter wind that he was hearing, but as he got closer to a group of students he was finally able to hear that it was the sound of whispers reaching him.
"So he really is a son of a chaebol since Kim Jonghyun was with him," one of them said.
"Why do you think they kept it a secret for so long?"
"Who knows, maybe Kim Youngwoon had an affair and Kibum's the son of the mistress that's why they kept it a secret."
"Ooh, that's highly possible."
As soon as he passed that one group, another one came after another.
"Tsk, if he's so rich then why did he applied for the scholarship? Someone could have gotten it instead but thanks to him, that someone lost an opportunity to study to such an expensive school."
"I know right, all of the teachers have been praising him but I think he's not even that great. Sure, he's good at doing art but come on, there are others out there who's so much better than him. They always want him to represent the Arts Department, now I know why the professors and even the deans love him: because of his money."
"Really? How come?"
"Don't you know? His family is one of biggest sponsors of this school. They give money and it's probably because of it why they love him."
"I wouldn't be surprised if his family bribed the faculties to give him the scholarship that only deserving people should get. They probably even paid the teachers to treat him like a royalty."
"Man, I wish I was rich."
By the time he got inside the building, Kibum didn't realize that he was crying. He didn't know why everyone's talking such things about him, why it seemed that all of them hated him for knowing who he is. Was it his fault for being who he was? If people were to ask him, he would've chosen to keep the secret as long as possible. If people were to ask him if only it was possible, he would've wished that he was never born in the first place. He would've wished that he wanted rewind and step back into the past so that he could've done something to prevent him from being born. If only he could then he wouldn't have to live this kind of life.
And standing inside a building surrounded by so many people, their judging eyes never leaving him, if only he could he would have ran away already. But as his legs stood still on the tiled floor of the building, all Kibum could do was listen to their whispers. He couldn't hear them clearly but he was sure of the words registering in his mind each time he sees their lips moving.
Fake
Liar
Pretentious
Opportunist.
He knows they knew that he could see them whispering about him, but even when he looked at them they didn't stop. Rather, their voices only got louder.
Soon after, he felt as if he could no longer breath. He tried to breath in and each time air would come into his lungs he found it hard to breath out. His vision started to blur, both from the tears that pooled his eyes and the dizziness that caused him to sway sideways. He couldn't see anyone's face clearly anymore, their voices fading into continuous slurs until it eventually became a buzz ringing in his ears. He felt a strong pair of arms holding and supporting him, a blurred face filling his vision. At first he thought he had fallen when he saw his feet flung upwards, but when those hands were still holding him and they were moving, he realized he was being carried away.
"Hey, Kibum, are you okay?" someone asked him.
When Kibum felt that he was being laid down, he noticed that suddenly everything was quiet. He closed his eyes and tried to control himself instead of completely losing it. He could feel his whole body shaking and at the very pit of his stomach fear and hurt were mixing into one big undeniable feeling that made him feel so vulnerable and brittle. He felt sick, the feeling of wanting to throw up even when there's practically nothing for him to actually throw up.
"Hey, it's okay," that person said again, wiping his forehead that was covered in cold sweat. "You're fine now, Kibum. It's okay, you're going to be okay."
"Hyung, don't you think we should bring him to the infirmary?" another said.
As Kibum opened his eyes and blinked the remaining tears that clouded his vision, he saw that he was inside an empty room. It took him a minute to realize that he wasn't completely laid down on a surface but rather he was sitting on the floor with his back against the wall. When he looked in front of him and saw faces, he tried to move further away from them in fear that they, too, will judge, criticize, and say hurtful things towards him.
"Kibum-ah, it's okay." The closest person touched his face, his words meant to comfort but Kibum's mind couldn't register that fact. "We're not going to hurt you. It's me, Minho."
Absentmindedly, Kibum blurted out what he's been asking himself as he stared into Minho's eyes though not fully recognizing him. "Why do they hate me so much? What did I do to them that made them hate me? Am I a bad person?"
"Of course not, don't listen to them, okay? You're not a bad person, and they just don't have anything better to do with their lives."
"But they hate me!" Kibum cried. "It means I'm a bad person, doesn't it?"
"Hyung, I don't think Kibum hyung should go to his class today. At least not the one for this morning. We should wait until he calms down."
Kibum followed the second person's voice and saw another familiar face.
"You're right, but we have classes as well. We can't leave him all by himself," Minho said. "He's not, HIM, right now. If we leave him alone who knows what might happen."
"I can skip class if you want," the second person replied. "I only have lecture for this morning, I can just copy a friend's notes and I'll be fine. I can stay here with Kibum hyung."
"But, what about Uncle, Taemin-ah?"
"He can't do to me. Besides, I'm already looking for a place so I can move out of that goddamn hell house. Just go, hyung, I'll take care of him."
Hesitantly, he stood up and left the two of them alone. Behind the door, he saw Kibum crying again with Taemin trying to comfort him. The two of them sat against the wall with Kibum's head leaning on Taemin's shoulder, his arms wrapped around himself. Minho reached for his phone and dialled a number he hasn't called in a while. "Jonghyun hyung, it's me, Minho."
How many days had he spent all cooped up in his room? How long had he stared outside the window seeing nothing but white when the sun's up and then darkness when it goes down? How many million thoughts have crossed his mind and yet he couldn't even remember what some of them were? How many questions had he asked himself out loud of what really happened, how those memories of him actually feeling happy and loved happened? If they really did happen in the first place. And just how long has it been really, after his life had ended and this new, strange and terrifying one had started? To be honest, Kibum doesn't know.
He doesn't know what day it was, what date, just that Jonghyun had told him he has school that day. During the whole break Kibum didn't even realize that the day had ended and a new one had started. He doesn't even know for sure if he had slept during the nights, if he was awake in the day because to him everything was a continuous cycle. The whole thing consists of nothingness, loneliness, and most of all, fear - always fear. Awake or asleep, everything seemed and felt the same. But there was one thing he was sure of. There were missing parts of his life that everyone knew except for him and are trying to hide it from him.
As he sat inside the car waiting for his older brother, he recalled his conversation with his uncle. The strong refusal to tell anything clearly meant that there was something from his past that was being kept hidden from his knowledge. And his brother, whom he had began to trust and believe, was the key to finding out what it is. When Jonghyun got inside the car and started the engine, Kibum thought whether or not he should ask about that question he had asked the day before. But when he opened his mouth, only air came out. Instead, he looked outside the window and watched as the frozen streets zoom by in blur.
Not long after, they stopped. "We're here," Jonghyun said, pulling him out his thoughts.
Kibum looked around and saw the familiar parking lot of the university with, despite the cold weather, students standing outside talking and laughing. Suddenly, he started regretting why he even said he wanted to go. He didn't even hear the sound of the car door opening and closing, or even notice his brother opening his door and waiting for him to get out. When he got out of the car, there was a sickening churning in his stomach that made him still. He took a peek from the corners of his eyes and to his surprise, there were dozens of pairs of eyes him watching from all direction.
"You know, to be honest, I don't want to leave you here because I won't be able to see you. I... I'm worried, I'm scared, and I just..." Kibum could tell that Jonghyun was deeply worried about him, the older's deep sigh a sign. "You know what I shouldn't be saying these things to you right now. Today's going to be alright. You'll go to your classes and I'll go to work and everything's going to be fine. There's nothing to be afraid of and there's absolutely nothing to be worried about. Are you feeling okay?"
But Kibum couldn't say anything. All he could think of were the pairs of eyes suddenly watching him that moment, making feel insecure and small.
"Okay, I'll take that as a yes. I just hope I'm not panicking too much so I'll just go ahead because I'm actually, uh, ten minutes late for work already. Here," Jonghyun reached inside his coat and handed Kibum a phone. "This is your new phone. Dad... he, uh, broke your old one so I bought this. I already put my number on speed dial so you just have to press 1 and... What am I saying? You know how a phone works. Remember, if something's wrong just call me, okay? I don't care if I still have work to do if you need me I'll come to you. I'll see you soon, alright?"
With that, Jonghyun kissed the top of his head and ruffled his hair, exhaling a long sigh before walking back to his car and drove off, leaving Kibum standing all alone in the frozen ground. He tried to swallow the lump that had formed in throat as he took a step forward, hugging himself from the cold. Each step he took, he could feel the eyes watching him moving along with him, making his stomach feel queasy. He thought it was just the blowing winter wind that he was hearing, but as he got closer to a group of students he was finally able to hear that it was the sound of whispers reaching him.
"So he really is a son of a chaebol since Kim Jonghyun was with him," one of them said.
"Why do you think they kept it a secret for so long?"
"Who knows, maybe Kim Youngwoon had an affair and Kibum's the son of the mistress that's why they kept it a secret."
"Ooh, that's highly possible."
As soon as he passed that one group, another one came after another.
"Tsk, if he's so rich then why did he applied for the scholarship? Someone could have gotten it instead but thanks to him, that someone lost an opportunity to study to such an expensive school."
"I know right, all of the teachers have been praising him but I think he's not even that great. Sure, he's good at doing art but come on, there are others out there who's so much better than him. They always want him to represent the Arts Department, now I know why the professors and even the deans love him: because of his money."
"Really? How come?"
"Don't you know? His family is one of biggest sponsors of this school. They give money and it's probably because of it why they love him."
"I wouldn't be surprised if his family bribed the faculties to give him the scholarship that only deserving people should get. They probably even paid the teachers to treat him like a royalty."
"Man, I wish I was rich."
By the time he got inside the building, Kibum didn't realize that he was crying. He didn't know why everyone's talking such things about him, why it seemed that all of them hated him for knowing who he is. Was it his fault for being who he was? If people were to ask him, he would've chosen to keep the secret as long as possible. If people were to ask him if only it was possible, he would've wished that he was never born in the first place. He would've wished that he wanted rewind and step back into the past so that he could've done something to prevent him from being born. If only he could then he wouldn't have to live this kind of life.
And standing inside a building surrounded by so many people, their judging eyes never leaving him, if only he could he would have ran away already. But as his legs stood still on the tiled floor of the building, all Kibum could do was listen to their whispers. He couldn't hear them clearly but he was sure of the words registering in his mind each time he sees their lips moving.
Fake
Liar
Pretentious
Opportunist.
He knows they knew that he could see them whispering about him, but even when he looked at them they didn't stop. Rather, their voices only got louder.
Soon after, he felt as if he could no longer breath. He tried to breath in and each time air would come into his lungs he found it hard to breath out. His vision started to blur, both from the tears that pooled his eyes and the dizziness that caused him to sway sideways. He couldn't see anyone's face clearly anymore, their voices fading into continuous slurs until it eventually became a buzz ringing in his ears. He felt a strong pair of arms holding and supporting him, a blurred face filling his vision. At first he thought he had fallen when he saw his feet flung upwards, but when those hands were still holding him and they were moving, he realized he was being carried away.
"Hey, Kibum, are you okay?" someone asked him.
When Kibum felt that he was being laid down, he noticed that suddenly everything was quiet. He closed his eyes and tried to control himself instead of completely losing it. He could feel his whole body shaking and at the very pit of his stomach fear and hurt were mixing into one big undeniable feeling that made him feel so vulnerable and brittle. He felt sick, the feeling of wanting to throw up even when there's practically nothing for him to actually throw up.
"Hey, it's okay," that person said again, wiping his forehead that was covered in cold sweat. "You're fine now, Kibum. It's okay, you're going to be okay."
"Hyung, don't you think we should bring him to the infirmary?" another said.
As Kibum opened his eyes and blinked the remaining tears that clouded his vision, he saw that he was inside an empty room. It took him a minute to realize that he wasn't completely laid down on a surface but rather he was sitting on the floor with his back against the wall. When he looked in front of him and saw faces, he tried to move further away from them in fear that they, too, will judge, criticize, and say hurtful things towards him.
"Kibum-ah, it's okay." The closest person touched his face, his words meant to comfort but Kibum's mind couldn't register that fact. "We're not going to hurt you. It's me, Minho."
Absentmindedly, Kibum blurted out what he's been asking himself as he stared into Minho's eyes though not fully recognizing him. "Why do they hate me so much? What did I do to them that made them hate me? Am I a bad person?"
"Of course not, don't listen to them, okay? You're not a bad person, and they just don't have anything better to do with their lives."
"But they hate me!" Kibum cried. "It means I'm a bad person, doesn't it?"
"Hyung, I don't think Kibum hyung should go to his class today. At least not the one for this morning. We should wait until he calms down."
Kibum followed the second person's voice and saw another familiar face.
"You're right, but we have classes as well. We can't leave him all by himself," Minho said. "He's not, HIM, right now. If we leave him alone who knows what might happen."
"I can skip class if you want," the second person replied. "I only have lecture for this morning, I can just copy a friend's notes and I'll be fine. I can stay here with Kibum hyung."
"But, what about Uncle, Taemin-ah?"
"He can't do to me. Besides, I'm already looking for a place so I can move out of that goddamn hell house. Just go, hyung, I'll take care of him."
Hesitantly, he stood up and left the two of them alone. Behind the door, he saw Kibum crying again with Taemin trying to comfort him. The two of them sat against the wall with Kibum's head leaning on Taemin's shoulder, his arms wrapped around himself. Minho reached for his phone and dialled a number he hasn't called in a while. "Jonghyun hyung, it's me, Minho."
~
He was so busy distracting himself that those seven days has passed by without him actually realizing that it has. A whole week had gone by too fast for him, it felt as if he only closed his eyes for a second and when he opened them once again days had flown by. When his eyes opened that morning, it was when reality finally hit him and the truth finally sunk in and settled in his mind. "Today's the day," he said to himself. He didn't bother stopping the tears that formed and flowed from his eyes, even the aching in his heart. He let out all of the emotions he had been keeping inside of him for days, all the pain he's been hiding from everyone else wanting to make himself look strong and unfazed by all what's happened to him. His body shook as his emotion flooded him, wracking his very core.
He even let himself relive that painful night as if trying to torment himself, repeating over and over again the words they've exchanged, the unbearable emotions surrounding them. He closed his eyes to see his face more clearly, despite the dimness in his memory due to the lack of lighting where they stood. Jinki felt - just like before - as if he was actually standing in front of him, as if time went backwards and the memory became the present once more. He could feel the bitter cold wind, the sound of cars passing by, and even see the sight of dirty muddied snow piled up on the sidewalks.
And then there's him right in front of him.
Even when nights had already passed, Jinki believed that he will never be able to forget that last moment with him. How his eyes that used to be bright and alive looked at him empty and pleading. How he crumbled onto the ground and broke into pieces, the sound of his deep breathing as he gasped for air, and the sight of his frail body curled up in a fetal position as if the pain was coming from his very core. And Jinki believed that it has indeed hurt him - starting from the very center of his body spreading throughout the rest of his being.
"I'm sorry," he whispered to himself, wishing internally - sincerely and wholeheartedly - that his words will reach him. "I'm so, so sorry."
He gathered every single courage and energy he has in order to go to his house, willing himself to be brave enough to see him once again for the last time. Standing outside the gates of the Kim's mansion, Jinki never thought he'd come there again after everything that happened. Memories of him sneaking in just to see HIM despite the constant fear and the adrenaline of them being caught resurfaced in his mind, somehow faltering his decision to see HIM. He hasn't thought of what he was going to say, hasn't thought of how he was going to feel even though he had already practiced many times the moment they see each other again to prepare himself.
To make his departure easier, he had sent off most of belongings ahead of him to the address of his new apartment in London where his father decided to transfer him. Everything was set, just that he needed to do this closure and he will leave as planned. He walked towards the gate, pressed the doorbell and waited, calming his racing heart.
"This is the Kim Residence, how may I help you?" a female voice asked.
Somehow, Jinki felt as if he was having déjà vu for how familiar that moment was. "It's Lee Jinki, I'm looking for Kim Kibum. Is he here?"
"Wait a moment, please," the woman replied.
Not long after, he heard the front door of the mansion opening and closing, the faint sound of shoes clicking on the stone pathway that lead to the gates. When the black steel door of the gates opened, Jinki held his breath and clenched his hands into fists. "Lee Jinki, to what do I owe this pleasure of finally meeting you?"
Despite the relief, nervousness, and disappointment he felt, Jinki still managed to be polite towards Chaeyoung as he bowed towards the older woman. "Yes, uh, nice to meet you, Mrs. Kim. I'm looking for Kibum. I just want to talk to him just for a couple of minutes, that's all."
Even though it was the first time they've seen each other face to face, Jinki was certain that Kim Chaeyoung was a better person than her husband, Kim Youngwoon. He could see the maternal side of the woman in front of him, something that his own mother has lost not too long ago. He kept telling himself that despite the complicated favour he was asking her she will allow him - help him - but eventually he learned that he if kept keeping his hopes up they will only crash down on him in the end.
"I'm sorry, Jinki, but I can't do that," Chaeyoung told him, her kind eyes looking at him in pity. "I wish I could, but everything that concerns Kibum needs to go through Jonghyun."
"But you're Kibum's mother, not him. Why does it concern Jonghyun when I'm asking you permission?" Jinki asked, his voice raised losing the politeness in it.
"Because Kibum is now Jonghyun's responsibility," she said calmly. "After everything I've done to Kibum, even if he has forgiven me, Jonghyun and I agreed that I'll just stay as his mother and just as his mother. I am no longer allowed to make any decision that concerns and involves Kibum. I guess you could say that I've lost custody of him, that I can visit him, be with him, but I'm no longer his guardian."
"That doesn't make sense," Jinki said in disbelief. "Just how is he any better? I mean, just because he and Kibum started getting along doesn't mean he can just take over with everything."
"You may not know this, Jinki, but, Kibum has spent almost his whole life afraid of me and my husband - especially my husband. I don't know how much you know about what happened between me and Kibum but even until now, he couldn't come to me without shaking in fear and the only person he can talk to is his brother. It hurts me to see him like that because of me, because I've never treated him as my own son and because I never became a mother to him. Jonghyun is the only person in this house that hasn't done anything to Kibum that hurt him, and even though it pains me he is the most suitable person to take care of Kibum. I've already called him and he's on his way here. If you want to wait and talk to him, you can."
Just like that Chaeyoung closed the door behind her and made her way back towards the mansion, leaving Jinki standing alone outside the gates. He thought of calling her back but he decided to let it go. He stood outside and waited, the freezing winter wind biting and numbing his body. When he gets tired of standing he would go back inside his car to take a seat and warm himself up. When he gets a cramp from sitting too still or too long he would go back out and pace around, occasionally looking at his watch to see how much time has passed by.
Half an hour later with him once again sitting inside his car, Jinki finally saw someone coming. A sleek black car stopped just a few feet from his and almost automatically, his hands clenched on the stirring wheel. The two of them got out of their vehicles almost simultaneously and walked towards each other, stopping within a feet between them. Jonghyun glared at him, hatred and disapproval clearly shown in his eyes. "What the hell are you doing here, Jinki? What do you want?" he asked.
Jinki could hear the distaste in Jonghyun's voice but knowing he was the one who needed something he chose to be the one who'll act humble. "I want to see Kibum," he said steadily though a part of him already told him the answer.
"See Kibum?" Jonghyun repeated mockingly. "Are you out of your mind? Just what in the world makes you think that I'll let you, Jinki? And just what part of 'giving him up' did you not understand?"
"Please, Jonghyun. I know I've said that I will give him up and I did, I just want to see him for the last time."
"Last time?"
"I'm leaving tonight for London and this'll be the last chance I'll ever get to see him. Please, just give us five minutes, you can even stay here if you want. Just please."
"He's not here." Without thinking, such words came out of Jonghyun's mouth and even though he knew he was lying, he didn't mind doing such thing. "My uncle came and brought him to Washington with him and I don't know when they'll be back. Maybe soon, maybe later, no one knows. Besides, even if he's here I'm sure as hell that I'm not going to let you see him."
Jinki let out a bitter laugh when he heard what Jonghyun said, part of him wanted to scream at the latter. "Look, I know we're not in good terms and will never be, but I don't really have time for your stupid jokes, Jonghyun. Just let me see him, please."
Determination and hopefulness, those were the two words that entered Jonghyun's mind. He could see how desperate the older was to see his brother but knowing how unpredictable and CRITICAL Kibum's condition was, he knew he had to make the right decision. He had seen that day how much Jinki couldn't let go of his brother, how much it took him to convince the latter to go and leave him. Now that Kibum's schizophrenia was - almost definitely - relapsing he couldn't bear the thought of seeing his brother breaking down again once he sees Lee Jinki - once he was left again.
That day when Minho called him not long after he had dropped Kibum off to school and was told about what happened, Jonghyun had to use every strength he could muster to not go. Instead, he asked the latter to watch over and take care of his brother until he was able to leave his work and pick him up. As soon as Kibum saw him that afternoon, the latter ran crying to him and told him about the horrible things he'd been hearing the whole time from everyone around him. During their ride home, Jonghyun had to keep soothing him to make him stop crying and just before they arrive he was relieved him when the latter fell asleep.
The following day, despite what happened the day before Jonghyun still made Kibum go to school. He knew he shouldn't have but he also knew that his brother was only months away from graduating and the thought of making him stop just doesn't seem right. But just like what happened he received a call from Minho and was told that Kibum started throwing everything his hands could reach inside the studio he was working at, even tearing up both unused and finished canvasses and splattering paint all over the floor. By the time he came the whole place was a mess. At the far corner of the room, Kibum was sitting on the floor covering his head with his arms.
When he came to his brother's side, he could hear him muttering incoherent words that he couldn't understand no matter how much he tried. Then moments later, Kibum finally dropped his hands on his sides, the word 'stop' leaving his mouth repeatedly until it eventually became a just breath.
"I can't, Jinki," he told him flatly. "He's already trying to move on and if you two see each other again, this whole time of him forgetting about you and starting anew will turn to waste. The first few weeks ever since he came back was a total nightmare and no one wants it to happen again. If you're going to leave then just leave. There's no point in wanting to see him for the last time."
Jonghyun turned around and went inside without another glance at Jinki, continuously telling himself that he didn't do anything wrong by saying what he said. It didn't matter if he lied or not, he just knew that his brother should never see him again. Inside the mansion he could still hear Jinki calling but he kept on walking, ignoring his mother's questions, and continued until he was in front of Kibum's room. He opened the door and found the latter sitting on the floor - a sight he had been seeing practically everyday - and saw as he walked closer that he seemed to be drawing on the floor with his finger. From the corner of his eye, he noticed a tray of untouched food lying on the floor, even the glass of water seemed untouched by how full it was.
"Bummie," he called.
At the sound of his voice, Kibum looked up and stopped whatever he was doing, his hands lying limply at his sides. Jonghyun took a sit beside him and automatically their hands connected, the same way magnets would when their opposite comes near.
"What are you doing, Bummie?" he asked curiously in an interested tone, a pretence he had learnt to do whenever he's in front of his brother.
"I'm drawing, can't you see?" Kibum said proudly, a brief but obvious grin appearing on his face.
"Really?" Jonghyun looked down on the floor in front of them, seeing nothing but the cream-coloured carpeted floor of the room. He could barely see the markings Kibum's finger had done. "Can you... explain it to me?"
Instead of answering his question, Kibum replied with a question of his own. "Hyung, what's that? Someone's calling you. Who is it, hyung?
Jonghyun felt caught off guard but nevertheless tried to maintain his composure. "Someone's... calling me?" he said and Kibum nodded. "But... I don't hear anything, Bummie. Do you?"
It hurts Jonghyun to lie to him, to say things that weren't true. But somehow, ever since Kibum stopped going to school just a few days ago, it seemed like he has been lying to him all the time.
When Kibum didn't say anything, Jonghyun sighed. "Bummie, listen to me. I've already told you, didn't I? It's because... because you're sick that sometimes you hear voices - or a voice, like right now - when in reality that voice was all inside your head, that no one else can hear it except you. Look, from now on, you just have to listen to me - to my voice - and to me only, okay? Just do what I ask you to do and everything will be fine. You'll be fine, Bummie. You just have to listen to hyung and no one else because hyung is real. Do you understand? Do you believe hyung?"
Just like those times Jonghyun had lied to him, Kibum believed him and even trusted him because all he knew was that there's nothing anymore that he can trust because of his illness - even though he still doesn't know what it is. He nodded timidly, and as he kept hearing that person's voice he wished that he could tune out every sound that reached his ears so he won't have to figure out what they were. When he looked towards the window where he could hear the voice, Kibum felt a strange familiarity in it though the answer he was looking was at the very back of his mind - but there was also a part of him that believed there was none at all.
He had been waiting outside for more than three hours and there were only a few minutes left before he have to go. Three hours of waiting and yet no one came. After Jonghyun went inside Jinki didn't see anyone else came out of the house nor people coming in. He never believed Jonghyun's words when he said that Kibum went to Washington with his uncle, that this whole time he was sure that Kibum was inside the house. That this whole time, there were only walls separating them from seeing each other.
Jinki knew that he could've left three hours ago but instead he stayed, hoping that even just once, Kibum would come out and see him. But even when minutes and hours passed and no one came out, Jinki started to lose hope. He looked at his watch and saw that he had to go. He started the engine of the his car and was about to leave when the steel gate opened and Jonghyun walked out. Immediately, he got out of the car.
"You do know that you're waiting for no one, right?" Jonghyun told him and Jinki knew that he was right. "You just wasted your time, Jinki."
"So Kibum really was inside this whole time." Once again, a bitter laugh came out Jinki's lips as he realized just how ridiculous and unbelievable his day have been.
"So what if he is? He's not coming out and even if he wants to I'm not going to let him. I want to protect him, Jinki. Not just from our father but from you as well. If I could, I would gladly erase all of the memories the two of you ever shared because that way, it'll be easier for him to forget you and that he ever met you. But since I can't, I'll just have to settle with this."
"You know if you just let us see each other earlier when I told you to I would've left hours ago."
"Well why didn't you? You were already about to leave a few minutes ago you should've just gone, you know. I wasn't going to stop you," Jonghyun said to him. There was a mocking tone in his voice that made Jinki's pain and sadness turn to hatred and anger.
"My misery is probably very amusing to you, isn't it? Because you and only you has the capability to let Kibum and I see each other and seeing me like this losing my mind must be a sight to see. I just wish that once I leave, my misery will stay here and somehow, you'll feel the same - hopefully worse - and once that happens, I'll make sure that I'll be the first one to laugh at your face."
Jinki looked up towards where Kibum's room was and silently said goodbye. With one last glance towards Jonghyun, Jinki went back towards his car and drove off. He tried to get rid of the anger rising from his chest as he gripped the steering wheel as tight as he could, hitting it once in a while with as much force he could muster. When it didn't work, he had to make a stop on the road side just to let out the emotions that was to starting to choke him up. He felt his whole body shaking, his ears ringing until all he can hear was a buzz.
He wanted to go back towards their house and just wait and wait, never leaving until Kibum finally comes out. He didn't care how long it'll take he just wanted to see him. And then when he calmed himself and his head cleared, his hands moved on their own as they started the car once again. He thought he was going back but instead he drove forward, his foot stepping on the pedal accelerating his speed even more. He passed other cars and took over their lanes, ignoring the drivers who yelled and honked their horns at him.
Anyone who'll see him would think he has gone insane, and he'll probably just agree with them. He'll even tell them about it even if they don't care at all. He knew at that rate there was a high chance of him crashing onto something, exceeding the speed limit at the maximum speed his car could go.
Why did he even think that seeing Kibum again for the last time will actually help him? That once he sees him he will be able to leave better? He mustn't been thinking properly at all when he decided to go to their house. At that moment he was rather glad that they didn't see each other, otherwise, he would've grabbed Kibum's hand and took him to a place far away that no one will ever find them. If only that place really exist.
~
He was so busy distracting himself that those seven days has passed by without him actually realizing that it has. A whole week had gone by too fast for him, it felt as if he only closed his eyes for a second and when he opened them once again days had flown by. When his eyes opened that morning, it was when reality finally hit him and the truth finally sunk in and settled in his mind. "Today's the day," he said to himself. He didn't bother stopping the tears that formed and flowed from his eyes, even the aching in his heart. He let out all of the emotions he had been keeping inside of him for days, all the pain he's been hiding from everyone else wanting to make himself look strong and unfazed by all what's happened to him. His body shook as his emotion flooded him, wracking his very core.
He even let himself relive that painful night as if trying to torment himself, repeating over and over again the words they've exchanged, the unbearable emotions surrounding them. He closed his eyes to see his face more clearly, despite the dimness in his memory due to the lack of lighting where they stood. Jinki felt - just like before - as if he was actually standing in front of him, as if time went backwards and the memory became the present once more. He could feel the bitter cold wind, the sound of cars passing by, and even see the sight of dirty muddied snow piled up on the sidewalks.
And then there's him right in front of him.
Even when nights had already passed, Jinki believed that he will never be able to forget that last moment with him. How his eyes that used to be bright and alive looked at him empty and pleading. How he crumbled onto the ground and broke into pieces, the sound of his deep breathing as he gasped for air, and the sight of his frail body curled up in a fetal position as if the pain was coming from his very core. And Jinki believed that it has indeed hurt him - starting from the very center of his body spreading throughout the rest of his being.
"I'm sorry," he whispered to himself, wishing internally - sincerely and wholeheartedly - that his words will reach him. "I'm so, so sorry."
He gathered every single courage and energy he has in order to go to his house, willing himself to be brave enough to see him once again for the last time. Standing outside the gates of the Kim's mansion, Jinki never thought he'd come there again after everything that happened. Memories of him sneaking in just to see HIM despite the constant fear and the adrenaline of them being caught resurfaced in his mind, somehow faltering his decision to see HIM. He hasn't thought of what he was going to say, hasn't thought of how he was going to feel even though he had already practiced many times the moment they see each other again to prepare himself.
To make his departure easier, he had sent off most of belongings ahead of him to the address of his new apartment in London where his father decided to transfer him. Everything was set, just that he needed to do this closure and he will leave as planned. He walked towards the gate, pressed the doorbell and waited, calming his racing heart.
"This is the Kim Residence, how may I help you?" a female voice asked.
Somehow, Jinki felt as if he was having déjà vu for how familiar that moment was. "It's Lee Jinki, I'm looking for Kim Kibum. Is he here?"
"Wait a moment, please," the woman replied.
Not long after, he heard the front door of the mansion opening and closing, the faint sound of shoes clicking on the stone pathway that lead to the gates. When the black steel door of the gates opened, Jinki held his breath and clenched his hands into fists. "Lee Jinki, to what do I owe this pleasure of finally meeting you?"
Despite the relief, nervousness, and disappointment he felt, Jinki still managed to be polite towards Chaeyoung as he bowed towards the older woman. "Yes, uh, nice to meet you, Mrs. Kim. I'm looking for Kibum. I just want to talk to him just for a couple of minutes, that's all."
Even though it was the first time they've seen each other face to face, Jinki was certain that Kim Chaeyoung was a better person than her husband, Kim Youngwoon. He could see the maternal side of the woman in front of him, something that his own mother has lost not too long ago. He kept telling himself that despite the complicated favour he was asking her she will allow him - help him - but eventually he learned that he if kept keeping his hopes up they will only crash down on him in the end.
"I'm sorry, Jinki, but I can't do that," Chaeyoung told him, her kind eyes looking at him in pity. "I wish I could, but everything that concerns Kibum needs to go through Jonghyun."
"But you're Kibum's mother, not him. Why does it concern Jonghyun when I'm asking you permission?" Jinki asked, his voice raised losing the politeness in it.
"Because Kibum is now Jonghyun's responsibility," she said calmly. "After everything I've done to Kibum, even if he has forgiven me, Jonghyun and I agreed that I'll just stay as his mother and just as his mother. I am no longer allowed to make any decision that concerns and involves Kibum. I guess you could say that I've lost custody of him, that I can visit him, be with him, but I'm no longer his guardian."
"That doesn't make sense," Jinki said in disbelief. "Just how is he any better? I mean, just because he and Kibum started getting along doesn't mean he can just take over with everything."
"You may not know this, Jinki, but, Kibum has spent almost his whole life afraid of me and my husband - especially my husband. I don't know how much you know about what happened between me and Kibum but even until now, he couldn't come to me without shaking in fear and the only person he can talk to is his brother. It hurts me to see him like that because of me, because I've never treated him as my own son and because I never became a mother to him. Jonghyun is the only person in this house that hasn't done anything to Kibum that hurt him, and even though it pains me he is the most suitable person to take care of Kibum. I've already called him and he's on his way here. If you want to wait and talk to him, you can."
Just like that Chaeyoung closed the door behind her and made her way back towards the mansion, leaving Jinki standing alone outside the gates. He thought of calling her back but he decided to let it go. He stood outside and waited, the freezing winter wind biting and numbing his body. When he gets tired of standing he would go back inside his car to take a seat and warm himself up. When he gets a cramp from sitting too still or too long he would go back out and pace around, occasionally looking at his watch to see how much time has passed by.
Half an hour later with him once again sitting inside his car, Jinki finally saw someone coming. A sleek black car stopped just a few feet from his and almost automatically, his hands clenched on the stirring wheel. The two of them got out of their vehicles almost simultaneously and walked towards each other, stopping within a feet between them. Jonghyun glared at him, hatred and disapproval clearly shown in his eyes. "What the hell are you doing here, Jinki? What do you want?" he asked.
Jinki could hear the distaste in Jonghyun's voice but knowing he was the one who needed something he chose to be the one who'll act humble. "I want to see Kibum," he said steadily though a part of him already told him the answer.
"See Kibum?" Jonghyun repeated mockingly. "Are you out of your mind? Just what in the world makes you think that I'll let you, Jinki? And just what part of 'giving him up' did you not understand?"
"Please, Jonghyun. I know I've said that I will give him up and I did, I just want to see him for the last time."
"Last time?"
"I'm leaving tonight for London and this'll be the last chance I'll ever get to see him. Please, just give us five minutes, you can even stay here if you want. Just please."
"He's not here." Without thinking, such words came out of Jonghyun's mouth and even though he knew he was lying, he didn't mind doing such thing. "My uncle came and brought him to Washington with him and I don't know when they'll be back. Maybe soon, maybe later, no one knows. Besides, even if he's here I'm sure as hell that I'm not going to let you see him."
Jinki let out a bitter laugh when he heard what Jonghyun said, part of him wanted to scream at the latter. "Look, I know we're not in good terms and will never be, but I don't really have time for your stupid jokes, Jonghyun. Just let me see him, please."
Determination and hopefulness, those were the two words that entered Jonghyun's mind. He could see how desperate the older was to see his brother but knowing how unpredictable and CRITICAL Kibum's condition was, he knew he had to make the right decision. He had seen that day how much Jinki couldn't let go of his brother, how much it took him to convince the latter to go and leave him. Now that Kibum's schizophrenia was - almost definitely - relapsing he couldn't bear the thought of seeing his brother breaking down again once he sees Lee Jinki - once he was left again.
That day when Minho called him not long after he had dropped Kibum off to school and was told about what happened, Jonghyun had to use every strength he could muster to not go. Instead, he asked the latter to watch over and take care of his brother until he was able to leave his work and pick him up. As soon as Kibum saw him that afternoon, the latter ran crying to him and told him about the horrible things he'd been hearing the whole time from everyone around him. During their ride home, Jonghyun had to keep soothing him to make him stop crying and just before they arrive he was relieved him when the latter fell asleep.
The following day, despite what happened the day before Jonghyun still made Kibum go to school. He knew he shouldn't have but he also knew that his brother was only months away from graduating and the thought of making him stop just doesn't seem right. But just like what happened he received a call from Minho and was told that Kibum started throwing everything his hands could reach inside the studio he was working at, even tearing up both unused and finished canvasses and splattering paint all over the floor. By the time he came the whole place was a mess. At the far corner of the room, Kibum was sitting on the floor covering his head with his arms.
When he came to his brother's side, he could hear him muttering incoherent words that he couldn't understand no matter how much he tried. Then moments later, Kibum finally dropped his hands on his sides, the word 'stop' leaving his mouth repeatedly until it eventually became a just breath.
"I can't, Jinki," he told him flatly. "He's already trying to move on and if you two see each other again, this whole time of him forgetting about you and starting anew will turn to waste. The first few weeks ever since he came back was a total nightmare and no one wants it to happen again. If you're going to leave then just leave. There's no point in wanting to see him for the last time."
Jonghyun turned around and went inside without another glance at Jinki, continuously telling himself that he didn't do anything wrong by saying what he said. It didn't matter if he lied or not, he just knew that his brother should never see him again. Inside the mansion he could still hear Jinki calling but he kept on walking, ignoring his mother's questions, and continued until he was in front of Kibum's room. He opened the door and found the latter sitting on the floor - a sight he had been seeing practically everyday - and saw as he walked closer that he seemed to be drawing on the floor with his finger. From the corner of his eye, he noticed a tray of untouched food lying on the floor, even the glass of water seemed untouched by how full it was.
"Bummie," he called.
At the sound of his voice, Kibum looked up and stopped whatever he was doing, his hands lying limply at his sides. Jonghyun took a sit beside him and automatically their hands connected, the same way magnets would when their opposite comes near.
"What are you doing, Bummie?" he asked curiously in an interested tone, a pretence he had learnt to do whenever he's in front of his brother.
"I'm drawing, can't you see?" Kibum said proudly, a brief but obvious grin appearing on his face.
"Really?" Jonghyun looked down on the floor in front of them, seeing nothing but the cream-coloured carpeted floor of the room. He could barely see the markings Kibum's finger had done. "Can you... explain it to me?"
Instead of answering his question, Kibum replied with a question of his own. "Hyung, what's that? Someone's calling you. Who is it, hyung?
Jonghyun felt caught off guard but nevertheless tried to maintain his composure. "Someone's... calling me?" he said and Kibum nodded. "But... I don't hear anything, Bummie. Do you?"
It hurts Jonghyun to lie to him, to say things that weren't true. But somehow, ever since Kibum stopped going to school just a few days ago, it seemed like he has been lying to him all the time.
When Kibum didn't say anything, Jonghyun sighed. "Bummie, listen to me. I've already told you, didn't I? It's because... because you're sick that sometimes you hear voices - or a voice, like right now - when in reality that voice was all inside your head, that no one else can hear it except you. Look, from now on, you just have to listen to me - to my voice - and to me only, okay? Just do what I ask you to do and everything will be fine. You'll be fine, Bummie. You just have to listen to hyung and no one else because hyung is real. Do you understand? Do you believe hyung?"
Just like those times Jonghyun had lied to him, Kibum believed him and even trusted him because all he knew was that there's nothing anymore that he can trust because of his illness - even though he still doesn't know what it is. He nodded timidly, and as he kept hearing that person's voice he wished that he could tune out every sound that reached his ears so he won't have to figure out what they were. When he looked towards the window where he could hear the voice, Kibum felt a strange familiarity in it though the answer he was looking was at the very back of his mind - but there was also a part of him that believed there was none at all.
He had been waiting outside for more than three hours and there were only a few minutes left before he have to go. Three hours of waiting and yet no one came. After Jonghyun went inside Jinki didn't see anyone else came out of the house nor people coming in. He never believed Jonghyun's words when he said that Kibum went to Washington with his uncle, that this whole time he was sure that Kibum was inside the house. That this whole time, there were only walls separating them from seeing each other.
Jinki knew that he could've left three hours ago but instead he stayed, hoping that even just once, Kibum would come out and see him. But even when minutes and hours passed and no one came out, Jinki started to lose hope. He looked at his watch and saw that he had to go. He started the engine of the his car and was about to leave when the steel gate opened and Jonghyun walked out. Immediately, he got out of the car.
"You do know that you're waiting for no one, right?" Jonghyun told him and Jinki knew that he was right. "You just wasted your time, Jinki."
"So Kibum really was inside this whole time." Once again, a bitter laugh came out Jinki's lips as he realized just how ridiculous and unbelievable his day have been.
"So what if he is? He's not coming out and even if he wants to I'm not going to let him. I want to protect him, Jinki. Not just from our father but from you as well. If I could, I would gladly erase all of the memories the two of you ever shared because that way, it'll be easier for him to forget you and that he ever met you. But since I can't, I'll just have to settle with this."
"You know if you just let us see each other earlier when I told you to I would've left hours ago."
"Well why didn't you? You were already about to leave a few minutes ago you should've just gone, you know. I wasn't going to stop you," Jonghyun said to him. There was a mocking tone in his voice that made Jinki's pain and sadness turn to hatred and anger.
"My misery is probably very amusing to you, isn't it? Because you and only you has the capability to let Kibum and I see each other and seeing me like this losing my mind must be a sight to see. I just wish that once I leave, my misery will stay here and somehow, you'll feel the same - hopefully worse - and once that happens, I'll make sure that I'll be the first one to laugh at your face."
Jinki looked up towards where Kibum's room was and silently said goodbye. With one last glance towards Jonghyun, Jinki went back towards his car and drove off. He tried to get rid of the anger rising from his chest as he gripped the steering wheel as tight as he could, hitting it once in a while with as much force he could muster. When it didn't work, he had to make a stop on the road side just to let out the emotions that was to starting to choke him up. He felt his whole body shaking, his ears ringing until all he can hear was a buzz.
He wanted to go back towards their house and just wait and wait, never leaving until Kibum finally comes out. He didn't care how long it'll take he just wanted to see him. And then when he calmed himself and his head cleared, his hands moved on their own as they started the car once again. He thought he was going back but instead he drove forward, his foot stepping on the pedal accelerating his speed even more. He passed other cars and took over their lanes, ignoring the drivers who yelled and honked their horns at him.
Anyone who'll see him would think he has gone insane, and he'll probably just agree with them. He'll even tell them about it even if they don't care at all. He knew at that rate there was a high chance of him crashing onto something, exceeding the speed limit at the maximum speed his car could go.
Why did he even think that seeing Kibum again for the last time will actually help him? That once he sees him he will be able to leave better? He mustn't been thinking properly at all when he decided to go to their house. At that moment he was rather glad that they didn't see each other, otherwise, he would've grabbed Kibum's hand and took him to a place far away that no one will ever find them. If only that place really exist.
~
Jonghyun watched until Jinki's car disappear into the night, waiting until the car's lights can no longer be seen. As he turned around to go back inside the mansion, he saw a blue envelope wedged in between the gate's bars. Even if he didn't see it he knew exactly who left the envelope. He thought of leaving it but then he saw Kibum's name written on the front of the envelope in thick sloppy handwriting. Eventually he picked it up and felt a small object move inside the envelope, and as he felt it between his fingers he already figured what it was.
"Jonghyun-ah," Jongwoon called. "Why are you still standing there?"
"I'll be there," he said answer back.
As he made his way back, he opened the envelope and let the ring inside roll onto his palm. With the porch light he twirled it around his fingers and watched as the embedded diamonds on the ring band reflect light in every direction. Before he opened the door, he put the ring in his jacket pocket and walked in. He clutched on the envelope tightly, part of him wondering what else it contained, what else Lee Jinki had dared to give Kibum.
"Did Jinki leave already?" Chaeyoung asked him, placing a hand on his shoulder.
"Yes," Jonghyun replied.
"What's that you got there?"
"It's nothing, just a mail. I found it on the ground. The mailman probably didn't notice it fall from the mail slot and the maids probably didn't see it earlier."
"Is that so? Well, dinner's ready. Bring Kibum downstairs and try to make him eat. The maids said he didn't touch the food they brought up to his room so that means he hasn't eaten anything."
"What about Dad? He'll be here any minute."
"Don't worry," Jongwoon answered instead. "I called his secretary and she said he's still in a meeting. Kibum can come down and eat with us, there's nothing for him to be afraid of."
Both Chaeyoung and Jongwoon were aware of Kibum's fear towards his own father, though ever since he stopped going to school they noticed that his fear towards Youngwoon has extended to other people as well. Whenever either of them would come into his room, Kibum would scream at them to leave, covering his ears, his eyes tightly shut. They'd asked Jonghyun what happened, why he's suddenly afraid of coming back to school. But all Jonghyun ever told them was that Kibum needed more time, that he's still not used to being known to everyone after revealing who he was.
"Just... Just let me get changed first and then I'll bring our food upstairs. I don't want to force him to do things he doesn't want to do. If he doesn't want to eat here downstairs then I'll let him eat in his room."
"Then would you mind telling us what you and Lee Jinki talked about? Because other than knowing that he came here to see Kibum it seems like there's something more." Jongwoon knew that he shouldn't be trying to meddle with such things, but his concern at that moment was Kibum. "We could hear Jinki's voice all the way here and there's no way that Kibum didn't him."
"Kibum did hear him," Jonghyun said simply. "He heard Jinki and he asked me who it was but instead of telling him the truth I lied to him. I told him I didn't hear anything and that he's the only one who can hear it, that that voice was all inside his head. I don't know if I should be glad or upset that he believed me, I just know that what I'm doing is what's best for him. If he doesn't know that Jinki was here before he left for London, then everything's fine. He doesn't need to know about it and it'll be easier for him to forget about Jinki."
"So you lied to your brother?" Chaeyoung couldn't help but feel upset by what her son just told them. "You're taking advantage of him just because he's sick, Jonghyun. Because he doesn't know anymore what's going on around him that you're making him believe your lies? Is this what you're planning to do? Brainwash him and make up things?"
"If it's the only way to make him forget all of the suffering, pain, and sadness in his life, I'll do it. If I have to, I'll even make him forget all of those things you and Dad did to him. And if necessary, I'll make him forget about every single memory he and Jinki had together. Once that happens I'll just make up memories for him to remember even if they never happened in the first place. That way all he'll ever remember are good things, that he was happy and never went through such horrible moments in his life. I'd go to that extent. I'd do all of that just for him, Mom. Just for my brother."
Just like that Jonghyun went upstairs towards his room and sat on his bed as he opened the envelope in his hands. He took out the few pages of cream-coloured customized stationery, straightening them out and started reading the first few lines. He knew that he shouldn't be reading what's written on them because it wasn't addressed to him, but as his eyes read through every line it was too late for him to stop. Each line allowed him to know just what kind of relationship Kibum had with Jinki, and the more he read the more he felt upset. He knew that his brother has changed drastically and the contents of the letter only proved it even more.
He tried to picture his brother the same way Jinki wrote about him in the letter, though as much as he tried he could only see Kibum the way he currently was. Through that letter, Jonghyun planned to see and know the life his brother had before it spiralled down to his present state, and just how much the two of them really loved each other that letting go was the hardest thing Jinki ever had to do even until he decided to leave. Every word written on the paper, Jonghyun had a glimpse of how his brother spent the last few months as a normal person, his dreams and plans for the future, and the promises that had to be broken.
~
"What do you think our lives would be like if the two of us never met, Kibum? If I never entered that room and found you reading your book while a party was going on a floor below us and you never smiled at me? If neither of us were hiding from people who only wanted to smother us due to their overly-enthusiastic interest towards us? For me, I think my life would still be revolving around my work and just my work, a never-ending dull cycle that has been going on for years. What about you? Though If you're going to ask me, I think you'd still be spending all of your time creating masterpieces and artworks, the proof of your colourful and imaginative and creative mind. You told me your life was hell but I think otherwise. You're gifted with talent and intelligence, add your being such an amazing person - a wonderful gift given for me to fall in love with."
"What do you think our lives would be like if the two of us never met, Kibum? If I never entered that room and found you reading your book while a party was going on a floor below us and you never smiled at me? If neither of us were hiding from people who only wanted to smother us due to their overly-enthusiastic interest towards us? For me, I think my life would still be revolving around my work and just my work, a never-ending dull cycle that has been going on for years. What about you? Though If you're going to ask me, I think you'd still be spending all of your time creating masterpieces and artworks, the proof of your colourful and imaginative and creative mind. You told me your life was hell but I think otherwise. You're gifted with talent and intelligence, add your being such an amazing person - a wonderful gift given for me to fall in love with."
Comments