Chapter 26
Never Again"What do you think our lives would be like if the two of us never met, Kibum? If I never entered that room and found you reading your book while a party was going on a floor below us and you never smiled at me? If neither of us were hiding from people who only wanted to smother us due to their overly-enthusiastic interest towards us? For me, I think my life would still be revolving around my work and just my work, a never-ending dull cycle that has been going on for years. What about you? Though If you're going to ask me, I think you'd still be spending all of your time creating masterpieces and artworks, the proof of your colourful and imaginative and creative mind. You told me your life was hell but I think otherwise. You're gifted with talent and intelligence, add your being such an amazing person - a wonderful gift given for me to fall in love with.
"I'd ask you how you've been but it seems unnecessary knowing that things probably aren't well for both us - or rather between us. I know that I've hurt you, and I know that deep down even if I apologize to you a million times, there's nothing in this world that can take the pain that I've caused away from you. I shouldn't be writing to you like this but this is the only way for me to talk to you again, for me to tell everything I've been wanting to tell you when we were still together and even after when we've separated. And to be honest, this will probably be the last time I'll get ever to feel that I'm actually talking to you and that you're right in front of me.
"Looking back, those days we've spent together weren't that special. We lived normally in our house like a married couple, I'm the husband and you're the wife. And as your husband, it was my responsibility to take care of you and to provide you a good life. Even if we weren't always together during the days, we still have time for each other at night even when we're both busy with your school work and with mine for the company. At times we're like a high school couple, going out on dates on weekends watching movies and then dinner at a restaurant. And then there were those times I get to convince you to come with me to amusements parks and ride their scariest rides despite your fear of them. Those times were such simple moments but to me, they are memories that meant the world.
"I remember those times we were talking about our dreams and the things we wanted to do. I remember us making plans for our future, the places we wanted to go to, and that one time we talked about having our own family. I remember us planning to go to Europe, visiting every single art museums in every country that you've always wanted to go to so you can learn more about the beauty of Fine Arts and then the tourists spots just for the pleasure of it. Then we'll go all over Asia and the Americas, tasting every delicacy and feel the different cultures each country could offer us. And lastly to rest of the world, living our lives to the fullest and filling ourselves with as much beauty and knowledge as we could. It sounded exciting and amazing when we were planning it, but now they're never going to come true, it hurts just like the rest of our memories.
"I could never forget everything we did, Kibum, and it's because I could never forget them that I'm in hell right now. That first kiss in my office, and then that night, the first time I made you cry after you told me who you are. Those two long painful weeks afterwards when I thought I could never see you again that in the end I had to sneak into your house just so I could apologize to you. The first time we made love to each other, the first time the words 'I love you' left our mouths, and then the first day we spent together after you moved in and started living with me. But the one thing I miss the most from all of the things we did, was the sight of you each time I open and close my eyes in the morning and night.
"For almost half a year that we lived together, I got so used to seeing you in my arms each time I wake up in the morning, the way you would hold me tighter just as I was about to get off the bed and open the blinds to let the sunlight through. The way you would ask me to carry you downstairs so we can have our breakfast and I would let you sleep more on the couch while I prepare them. Each time we had to part because of the things we had to, I always look forward to seeing you the second I come home and sometimes the second I arrive at the school parking lot as I wait for you so we could go home together.
"At home, we would talk about what happened during the day - the things we did, the people we talked to, and then just like that our conversation would lead to random topics that our curious minds wanted to know. And even though I call it as the second worst time of day, sleeping beside you was one of the greatest feelings I've ever felt. Your arms around my waist and your head against my chest as you listened to my heartbeat, I've always felt it as a dream I never wanted to wake from. But I know that each time I wake up and your face was the first thing I see, nothing could be better than the fact that God allowed us to spend another day together.
"And right now the only thing I can tell you despite the amount of things I want to say is I'm sorry... I'm sorry we fell in love with each other and listened to what our hearts are trying to tell us to do. I'm sorry I made those promises that I wasn't able to keep, leading you on for so long only to turn back and leave you behind. I'm sorry I made you hope for nothing, promising you happiness and love that turned to sorrow and misery. And the one thing that I am absolutely regretting, that I am deeply apologizing for, was making you cry. The image of you crying has become my worst nightmare and one of my greatest fears, second to losing you.
"I never wanted to give you up, Kibum. I was there at the restaurant where they - our fathers - planned to break us apart, and I was there and saw you with my own two eyes tied and beaten up. They forced me to give you up, they threatened me that they will hurt you and you getting hurt is something I never want to happen. I'd rather kill both of us myself than get separated from you, Kibum. I'd rather face the worst things than live without you. But seeing them hurt you right in front of my eyes, I chose to save you.
"Your brother promised me that he will take care of you but I kept thinking and thinking of any other way for me to get us out of that situation but there was nothing. He pleaded me to give you up, and even though I don't want to, I still did. I let them take you away from me and ever since then I've been suffering. I kept regretting why I let them in the first place but what can that do to reverse what already happened? What's done is done and even though I could have done something, I let days turn to months without doing anything to take you back.
"That night we last saw each other, God knows how much I want to hold you in my arms. But instead of doing so I stood there and watched your frail-looking self stand up from the cold ground and stared at your eyes that used to be lively and had gone empty. I saw your tears even in the dark, glistening on your sunken cheeks and I wondered to myself if I did the right decision. It was clear to me that you have been suffering, feeling far worse than I've felt. Even when we're still together I've seen how weak you were and it's because of it that made me promised that I will protect you.
"With just the thought of your father finding out about us was enough to terrify you. When your brother came to your school, I almost lost my mind when the guards I hired just for you told me you were missing after you ran away from him. I saw how it affected you so much, even when you weren't saying anything I know it. When we separated I've wondered countless times how were you going to accept the bitter reality.
"You asked me if I did give you up and I told you the painful truth. You asked me to take you back, that you'll change for me if that's what it'll take but I told you that I won't. I saw how each word hurt you and I regret it. I really, really regret it, Kibum.
"That night was the worst night of my life because I lied to you, hurt you, and even left you when you're in so much pain. This whole time I only kept forcing myself to forget you, to forget about what I feel for you as I torture myself. I want to take you back Kibum, I really do. But I couldn't make myself do it because I know that it wouldn't be fair if you suffer just because of me. You deserve to live a better life than what I can give you. A life where you can be both happy and peaceful, where you can be safe and loved. And as much it hurts me, the truth is you can never have that life with me as long as there are people against us.
"And it's because I love you and care about you, that I'm willing to set you free and let go of you and what we had together. I'm willing to suffer, leave behind everything, and start anew from scratch just so I can finally give you that life you deserve. What our fathers did to us was beyond our imagination, the pain they brought us and the wound that would take a long time to heal even the scars that it'll leave behind.
"That's why I'm leaving. It's the only way for me to restart and function again like a human, the only way for me to get rid of everything we had and save myself before I completely break apart and before it's too late to get back up.
"I want to be happy, Kibum. I want to be alive again because this whole time I feel like living corpse. I can't think properly, I don't feel anything but anger and hatred towards everyone around me, and I absolutely can't even go through a single day without wanting to release to my anger, be it hurt someone for no reason or just end it all together by killing myself. And even though it might take a long time I want to forget about you and all of our memories. I want to forget that we ever met because to be honest, the minute I saw you I knew that my life will never be the same. It was love at first sight, you know that, don't you? Because both of us were desperate to see each other again after that meeting.
"But what we feel for each other - our love - it was nothing compared to what our demonic fathers can do just to separate us. They've already hurt you and that was enough. The countless times I've thought of taking you back, that image of you unconscious and in pain kept coming back to me and I don't want it to happen ever again. I've already decided to let you go and now I've decided to let myself go. After saving you it's only right that I save myself now. I'm sorry I didn't keep my promise of fighting for you, that we'll keep going until the end. Because instead, the end found us and now we're far away from each other.
"And as I leave, I'm leaving this ring to you. I was planning to give this to you like how I've imagined it - during a fancy dinner at that restaurant where we had our first date, and ask you to be in a committed and steady relationship with me. I honestly believed that time that I would be able to give this to you personally, that I would be able to slip this onto your finger and see your reaction. But now that I wouldn't be able to, I can only give this to you like this through a letter full of nothing but heartache and misery. I thought of keeping this and giving it to someone else I meet in the future, but after doing a lot of thinking I decided that it wouldn't be right if this ring that belongs to you will end up to some stranger. It is only right to give this to its rightful owner.
"This might give us our last and sole connection, but this letter is meant to give us a closure. I want to end everything between us, to cut our ties from each other, and to let us live our lives as though nothing ever happened. It might be pathetic to do this in such way but I know both your father and Jonghyun will never let me see you for the last time. You might not even read - or at least see - this letter, but I've poured all of my sincerity in this and can only hope for the best. It was worth giving a try.
"It was nice meeting you, Kim Kibum. I'm sorry for everything I've done and caused you. Please have and live a happy life from now on. Goodbye."
"I'd ask you how you've been but it seems unnecessary knowing that things probably aren't well for both us - or rather between us. I know that I've hurt you, and I know that deep down even if I apologize to you a million times, there's nothing in this world that can take the pain that I've caused away from you. I shouldn't be writing to you like this but this is the only way for me to talk to you again, for me to tell everything I've been wanting to tell you when we were still together and even after when we've separated. And to be honest, this will probably be the last time I'll get ever to feel that I'm actually talking to you and that you're right in front of me.
"Looking back, those days we've spent together weren't that special. We lived normally in our house like a married couple, I'm the husband and you're the wife. And as your husband, it was my responsibility to take care of you and to provide you a good life. Even if we weren't always together during the days, we still have time for each other at night even when we're both busy with your school work and with mine for the company. At times we're like a high school couple, going out on dates on weekends watching movies and then dinner at a restaurant. And then there were those times I get to convince you to come with me to amusements parks and ride their scariest rides despite your fear of them. Those times were such simple moments but to me, they are memories that meant the world.
"I remember those times we were talking about our dreams and the things we wanted to do. I remember us making plans for our future, the places we wanted to go to, and that one time we talked about having our own family. I remember us planning to go to Europe, visiting every single art museums in every country that you've always wanted to go to so you can learn more about the beauty of Fine Arts and then the tourists spots just for the pleasure of it. Then we'll go all over Asia and the Americas, tasting every delicacy and feel the different cultures each country could offer us. And lastly to rest of the world, living our lives to the fullest and filling ourselves with as much beauty and knowledge as we could. It sounded exciting and amazing when we were planning it, but now they're never going to come true, it hurts just like the rest of our memories.
"I could never forget everything we did, Kibum, and it's because I could never forget them that I'm in hell right now. That first kiss in my office, and then that night, the first time I made you cry after you told me who you are. Those two long painful weeks afterwards when I thought I could never see you again that in the end I had to sneak into your house just so I could apologize to you. The first time we made love to each other, the first time the words 'I love you' left our mouths, and then the first day we spent together after you moved in and started living with me. But the one thing I miss the most from all of the things we did, was the sight of you each time I open and close my eyes in the morning and night.
"For almost half a year that we lived together, I got so used to seeing you in my arms each time I wake up in the morning, the way you would hold me tighter just as I was about to get off the bed and open the blinds to let the sunlight through. The way you would ask me to carry you downstairs so we can have our breakfast and I would let you sleep more on the couch while I prepare them. Each time we had to part because of the things we had to, I always look forward to seeing you the second I come home and sometimes the second I arrive at the school parking lot as I wait for you so we could go home together.
"At home, we would talk about what happened during the day - the things we did, the people we talked to, and then just like that our conversation would lead to random topics that our curious minds wanted to know. And even though I call it as the second worst time of day, sleeping beside you was one of the greatest feelings I've ever felt. Your arms around my waist and your head against my chest as you listened to my heartbeat, I've always felt it as a dream I never wanted to wake from. But I know that each time I wake up and your face was the first thing I see, nothing could be better than the fact that God allowed us to spend another day together.
"And right now the only thing I can tell you despite the amount of things I want to say is I'm sorry... I'm sorry we fell in love with each other and listened to what our hearts are trying to tell us to do. I'm sorry I made those promises that I wasn't able to keep, leading you on for so long only to turn back and leave you behind. I'm sorry I made you hope for nothing, promising you happiness and love that turned to sorrow and misery. And the one thing that I am absolutely regretting, that I am deeply apologizing for, was making you cry. The image of you crying has become my worst nightmare and one of my greatest fears, second to losing you.
"I never wanted to give you up, Kibum. I was there at the restaurant where they - our fathers - planned to break us apart, and I was there and saw you with my own two eyes tied and beaten up. They forced me to give you up, they threatened me that they will hurt you and you getting hurt is something I never want to happen. I'd rather kill both of us myself than get separated from you, Kibum. I'd rather face the worst things than live without you. But seeing them hurt you right in front of my eyes, I chose to save you.
"Your brother promised me that he will take care of you but I kept thinking and thinking of any other way for me to get us out of that situation but there was nothing. He pleaded me to give you up, and even though I don't want to, I still did. I let them take you away from me and ever since then I've been suffering. I kept regretting why I let them in the first place but what can that do to reverse what already happened? What's done is done and even though I could have done something, I let days turn to months without doing anything to take you back.
"That night we last saw each other, God knows how much I want to hold you in my arms. But instead of doing so I stood there and watched your frail-looking self stand up from the cold ground and stared at your eyes that used to be lively and had gone empty. I saw your tears even in the dark, glistening on your sunken cheeks and I wondered to myself if I did the right decision. It was clear to me that you have been suffering, feeling far worse than I've felt. Even when we're still together I've seen how weak you were and it's because of it that made me promised that I will protect you.
"With just the thought of your father finding out about us was enough to terrify you. When your brother came to your school, I almost lost my mind when the guards I hired just for you told me you were missing after you ran away from him. I saw how it affected you so much, even when you weren't saying anything I know it. When we separated I've wondered countless times how were you going to accept the bitter reality.
"You asked me if I did give you up and I told you the painful truth. You asked me to take you back, that you'll change for me if that's what it'll take but I told you that I won't. I saw how each word hurt you and I regret it. I really, really regret it, Kibum.
"That night was the worst night of my life because I lied to you, hurt you, and even left you when you're in so much pain. This whole time I only kept forcing myself to forget you, to forget about what I feel for you as I torture myself. I want to take you back Kibum, I really do. But I couldn't make myself do it because I know that it wouldn't be fair if you suffer just because of me. You deserve to live a better life than what I can give you. A life where you can be both happy and peaceful, where you can be safe and loved. And as much it hurts me, the truth is you can never have that life with me as long as there are people against us.
"And it's because I love you and care about you, that I'm willing to set you free and let go of you and what we had together. I'm willing to suffer, leave behind everything, and start anew from scratch just so I can finally give you that life you deserve. What our fathers did to us was beyond our imagination, the pain they brought us and the wound that would take a long time to heal even the scars that it'll leave behind.
"That's why I'm leaving. It's the only way for me to restart and function again like a human, the only way for me to get rid of everything we had and save myself before I completely break apart and before it's too late to get back up.
"I want to be happy, Kibum. I want to be alive again because this whole time I feel like living corpse. I can't think properly, I don't feel anything but anger and hatred towards everyone around me, and I absolutely can't even go through a single day without wanting to release to my anger, be it hurt someone for no reason or just end it all together by killing myself. And even though it might take a long time I want to forget about you and all of our memories. I want to forget that we ever met because to be honest, the minute I saw you I knew that my life will never be the same. It was love at first sight, you know that, don't you? Because both of us were desperate to see each other again after that meeting.
"But what we feel for each other - our love - it was nothing compared to what our demonic fathers can do just to separate us. They've already hurt you and that was enough. The countless times I've thought of taking you back, that image of you unconscious and in pain kept coming back to me and I don't want it to happen ever again. I've already decided to let you go and now I've decided to let myself go. After saving you it's only right that I save myself now. I'm sorry I didn't keep my promise of fighting for you, that we'll keep going until the end. Because instead, the end found us and now we're far away from each other.
"And as I leave, I'm leaving this ring to you. I was planning to give this to you like how I've imagined it - during a fancy dinner at that restaurant where we had our first date, and ask you to be in a committed and steady relationship with me. I honestly believed that time that I would be able to give this to you personally, that I would be able to slip this onto your finger and see your reaction. But now that I wouldn't be able to, I can only give this to you like this through a letter full of nothing but heartache and misery. I thought of keeping this and giving it to someone else I meet in the future, but after doing a lot of thinking I decided that it wouldn't be right if this ring that belongs to you will end up to some stranger. It is only right to give this to its rightful owner.
"This might give us our last and sole connection, but this letter is meant to give us a closure. I want to end everything between us, to cut our ties from each other, and to let us live our lives as though nothing ever happened. It might be pathetic to do this in such way but I know both your father and Jonghyun will never let me see you for the last time. You might not even read - or at least see - this letter, but I've poured all of my sincerity in this and can only hope for the best. It was worth giving a try.
"It was nice meeting you, Kim Kibum. I'm sorry for everything I've done and caused you. Please have and live a happy life from now on. Goodbye."
~
"Bummie," Jonghyun called as he walked inside his brother's room carrying their dinner.
Kibum was sitting at the far corner of the room, his chin resting against his knees. He was staring at the floor, tears gently flowing down his face. Jonghyun almost dropped the tray he was holding when he saw his brother, quickly putting it down on the bed and made his way beside the latter. "Bummie, what's wrong?" he asked worriedly, placing both of his hands on his brother's face and made the latter look at him.
"Hyung," Kibum whispered. "They're not real, right? All of them, everyone who hates me, they're not real." He started tapping his forefinger on the floor, scratching the carpet not long after and then tapped again and scratched, repeating the sequence in an inconsistent pace.
Jonghyun saw it and wondered the reason for his actions. "Of course, they're not real. No one hates you, Bummie. You're a good kid, aren't you?" He wiped the wetness on his brother's face and fixed Kibum's hair that had clung to his damp forehead. "Mom said you haven't eaten anything yet so I brought our dinner up here."
He stood up and took the tray as he placed it in front of Kibum on the floor, turning on the lamp on the side table. The younger only stared at it, curling himself even more until he was hiding his face. Jonghyun held his hand and took it in his, "Bummie, you have to eat, please."
Kibum whined and shook his head, "I don't want to."
"Bummie." Jonghyun was slowly becoming desperate, desperate to make his brother better, to make him normal and live a normal life once again. But each time he tries with so much effort, Kibum would only make things harder for him. "You have to eat, Bummie. You have to get better. Just eat a little, hm? For me?"
Kibum whined again in refusal.
"Bummie..." Jonghyun's tone changed as it became stern.
"I said I don't want to!" Kibum yelled at him as he unintentionally kicked the tray in front of them causing the food and glasses of water to spill onto the cream-coloured carpet.
"Kibum!"
Jonghyun didn't mean to yell at the latter but it was already too late. He saw how it startled his brother, causing him to cover his head and ears with his arms. Seconds later, Kibum's body started shaking until he stood up and ran to the farthest corner from Jonghyun, curling himself into tight ball and covered himself using his arms. Jonghyun began to hear him whimpering and faint sounds of him mumbling. Seeing his brother that way made him upset with himself for doing such thing. He should've been careful and patient, but with so many things going on around him that causes him so much stress, it started to take its toll on him.
"Bummie..." he called gently.
"Go away!" Kibum screamed at him.
When he tried to get close to his brother, the latter continued screaming at him until both Chaeyoung and Jongwoon came into the room, concern and alarm on their faces.
"What's going on? What happened?" Chaeyoung asked. She and Jongwoon saw the mess on the floor and Kibum shaking in the corner of the room, both looking at Jonghyun for an explanation.
"I didn't mean to yell at him, I swear," Jonghyun told them as he stood up. "I was just trying to make him eat. I got mad and then..."
Jongwoon tried to calm his nephew but Kibum only ran away from him as well as he went to another corner and once again covered himself. "You still think it's not the right time for him to get and start his treatments and medication?" he asked Jonghyun. He was upset that his nephew had hidden something so crucial from him and Chaeyoung even though he knew that they are willing to help in any way possible. "From what we all know and from the things you've said, you're the one who's hurting the most seeing your brother like this and yet you're letting it go on. Just what do you really want to happen, boy? Because right now I'm starting to think that you're not really taking care of Kibum like you promised us."
"Your uncle's right, Jonghyun," Chaeyoung said as she walked up to her son. "We are wasting time by not doing anything when the doctor has already insisted and high recommended that Kibum must start his treatments and medications. And I don't like your way of taking advantage of your brother one bit. That's not helping him, that's making a fool out of him. If you really can't take care of your brother in my stead then I will. You know how much I wanted to make up for everything I've done to him."
"I will take care of him, Mom," Jonghyun insisted. "It was just one mistake. With so many things happening you can't blame me if I get tired as well. I'm not a robot. And even if I already have so many problems to deal I'm still doing everything I can for Kibum. One problem just ended when Jinki left but there's still more. You think I haven't thought that Kibum should to get treated immediately? Of course I have. But with him being like that how do you honestly think that he will be able to respond to his treatments?
"He's afraid of people, Mom. He's absolutely terrified of them. Ever since people knew about who he was they started judging him, criticizing him, and were saying malicious and hurtful things about him. Even the students at the university are talking about him and are blaming him for things he didn't do. He won't go to school anymore because all he could hear are their endless rumours and gossips that even here - in his damn own room, for God's sake - he could still hear them. I want him to get treated but how can I when his fear is preventing him?"
Chaeyoung turned her gaze to her youngest son and saw even in the dim light his small frame trembling. "Is that why he's afraid of us as well?" she asked in a whisper. "He thinks we're just like those people?" When she looked at Jonghyun, she saw how her son mirrored her expression and emotions. Both of them were crying as they stood facing each other, pain clearly shown in their eyes and without a word he walked out of the room. She could only stare at Kibum. She felt apologetic, sympathetic, and so many other things knowing that she couldn't even do anything for him except stand by and watch.
"You know we don't have to be like this anymore, Chaeyoung," Jongwoon said after a while. "We can clearly see that Kibum is suffering, we have to do what is right and Jonghyun have to see that he's wasting time. How much longer are we going to let this go on?"
"I don't know, Jongwoon. I just know that what Jonghyun is doing is not right. He... He can't do this to Kibum. This isn't how it should be and if only I knew it was going to be like this I wouldn't have given him the permission to take over everything." She sat down on Kibum's bed, her gaze not leaving her son. She could see that he had stopped trembling and was quietly sitting in the corner, his face still hidden from them. "Maybe... Maybe it's time I do something for him. I've wasted years, waited until it became like this, and it might have taken a long time but I know it's not too late to do anything."
"What do you mean, Chaeyoung? What do you plan to do?"
"Tomorrow... I'll bring Kibum to the psychiatrist and have him start his treatment," Chaeyoung said steadily, her face masked with sternness and determination. "If Jonghyun doesn't bring him tomorrow then I will. I'm not going to put up with this anymore. It doesn't matter if he disagrees with me I just know that I have to do it. Can you help me? You're the only one who can help me, Youngwoon. I can't trust my husband with this, you know that."
Jongwoon looked at Chaeyoung and nodded in understanding and agreement. Twenty years ago when they all found out about Kibum's condition, he couldn't even believe it. He only knew little things about schizophrenia, now including the things Jonghyun had told him after his nephew did his own research. And seeing Kibum at that moment, he only became even more afraid.
Both of them stayed in the room and waited until Kibum finally completely calmed down. He had raised his head a little and was looking sideways towards the wall beside him. One of his hands was at the floor, his fingers brushing the carpet mindlessly. They could hear him whispering softly but neither of them could understand what he was saying despite the dead silence in the room.
"Kibum-ah," Jongwoon called gently and saw how the latter immediately froze in his place. "Hey, it's me, Uncle Jongwoon."
He got closer carefully and sat down on the floor in front of his nephew, a gentle smile on his face. Kibum watched him suspiciously, his scared eyes locked on the older man. "I'm not going to hurt you, Kibum," he said, putting his hands up to prove himself. "I'm not like those people, I promise. See? Me and your Mom are not going to hurt you." He gestured towards Chaeyoung's direction to prove his point. "We're not like those people..."
"How do you know?" Kibum asked softly, hugging his legs closer to him.
"Because we're your family, sweetie," Chaeyoung answered instead as she, too, sat down on the floor beside Jongwoon. "Families would never hurt each other. You're my son, Kibum, and I'm your mother. I would never hurt you."
Kibum stared at her in a way that she couldn't understand. There was still suspicion and fear in his eyes but there was also a hint of trust underneath the disbelief. Carefully and slowly, she reached out and touched his face, her palm cradling his cheek. He flinched as soon as he felt their skins made contact but didn't pull away from the older woman, rather, he just stayed still and continued to look at her. "Why does everyone hate me?" he asked. "What did I do?"
Chaeyoung didn't know what to say to him, her mind trying to think of anything that she can tell him and answer his questions. "You... You didn't do anything bad or wrong, sweetie," she replied. "They just don't know you well enough and it's because they don't know you that... they just assume things about you. And... even if there are people like them, not everyone hates you. There are many people who loves you as well - me, your uncle Jongwoon, your Jonghyun hyung, your friends and Ji..."
"Yes, there are a lot of people who loves you, Kibum," Jongwoon cut her off when Chaeyoung almost said Jinki's name. He looked at his sister-in-law and warned her. "Just... Just don't think about them anymore, they are not important. What matters is that there are people who loves you. We're here for you, we will never hurt you or say such things about you. You don't have to afraid of us, Kibum. We want to help you and we'll only be able to help if you let us - if you let us approach you."
"But I don't need help," Kibum told them. "Why should I? Is there something wrong with me?"
Jongwoon and Chaeyoung looked at each other in confusion, both of them asking the other the same question. "Sweetie, you're..." she started. "Do you know what's going on with you?"
"What?" he asked back. "What is it? What?" Then he looked behind Chaeyoung, his eyes moving as if they were watching something.
She followed his gaze but only saw the dresser leaning against the wall and the closed door behind them. "What is it, Kibum?"
To their surprised, Kibum laughed. It was short and somehow it made them relieved that he laughed though they knew they shouldn't be. Chaeyoung kept her gaze behind her, her hands clutching when she heard her son laugh again and then she looked back at Kibum. "Sweetie, what is it? What do you see?" She was desperate to know what he was seeing that she can't see, to know what schizophrenia was doing to him.
"Look, he's dancing," Kibum said with a smile on his face. "He looks funny dancing like that."
"Kibum," Jongwoon called but Chaeyoung stopped him.
She stood up and motioned for him to stand up as well, leading the way outside the room. The last thing they heard before the door closed was Kibum's laughter.
"Bummie," Jonghyun called as he walked inside his brother's room carrying their dinner.
Kibum was sitting at the far corner of the room, his chin resting against his knees. He was staring at the floor, tears gently flowing down his face. Jonghyun almost dropped the tray he was holding when he saw his brother, quickly putting it down on the bed and made his way beside the latter. "Bummie, what's wrong?" he asked worriedly, placing both of his hands on his brother's face and made the latter look at him.
"Hyung," Kibum whispered. "They're not real, right? All of them, everyone who hates me, they're not real." He started tapping his forefinger on the floor, scratching the carpet not long after and then tapped again and scratched, repeating the sequence in an inconsistent pace.
Jonghyun saw it and wondered the reason for his actions. "Of course, they're not real. No one hates you, Bummie. You're a good kid, aren't you?" He wiped the wetness on his brother's face and fixed Kibum's hair that had clung to his damp forehead. "Mom said you haven't eaten anything yet so I brought our dinner up here."
He stood up and took the tray as he placed it in front of Kibum on the floor, turning on the lamp on the side table. The younger only stared at it, curling himself even more until he was hiding his face. Jonghyun held his hand and took it in his, "Bummie, you have to eat, please."
Kibum whined and shook his head, "I don't want to."
"Bummie." Jonghyun was slowly becoming desperate, desperate to make his brother better, to make him normal and live a normal life once again. But each time he tries with so much effort, Kibum would only make things harder for him. "You have to eat, Bummie. You have to get better. Just eat a little, hm? For me?"
Kibum whined again in refusal.
"Bummie..." Jonghyun's tone changed as it became stern.
"I said I don't want to!" Kibum yelled at him as he unintentionally kicked the tray in front of them causing the food and glasses of water to spill onto the cream-coloured carpet.
"Kibum!"
Jonghyun didn't mean to yell at the latter but it was already too late. He saw how it startled his brother, causing him to cover his head and ears with his arms. Seconds later, Kibum's body started shaking until he stood up and ran to the farthest corner from Jonghyun, curling himself into tight ball and covered himself using his arms. Jonghyun began to hear him whimpering and faint sounds of him mumbling. Seeing his brother that way made him upset with himself for doing such thing. He should've been careful and patient, but with so many things going on around him that causes him so much stress, it started to take its toll on him.
"Bummie..." he called gently.
"Go away!" Kibum screamed at him.
When he tried to get close to his brother, the latter continued screaming at him until both Chaeyoung and Jongwoon came into the room, concern and alarm on their faces.
"What's going on? What happened?" Chaeyoung asked. She and Jongwoon saw the mess on the floor and Kibum shaking in the corner of the room, both looking at Jonghyun for an explanation.
"I didn't mean to yell at him, I swear," Jonghyun told them as he stood up. "I was just trying to make him eat. I got mad and then..."
Jongwoon tried to calm his nephew but Kibum only ran away from him as well as he went to another corner and once again covered himself. "You still think it's not the right time for him to get and start his treatments and medication?" he asked Jonghyun. He was upset that his nephew had hidden something so crucial from him and Chaeyoung even though he knew that they are willing to help in any way possible. "From what we all know and from the things you've said, you're the one who's hurting the most seeing your brother like this and yet you're letting it go on. Just what do you really want to happen, boy? Because right now I'm starting to think that you're not really taking care of Kibum like you promised us."
"Your uncle's right, Jonghyun," Chaeyoung said as she walked up to her son. "We are wasting time by not doing anything when the doctor has already insisted and high recommended that Kibum must start his treatments and medications. And I don't like your way of taking advantage of your brother one bit. That's not helping him, that's making a fool out of him. If you really can't take care of your brother in my stead then I will. You know how much I wanted to make up for everything I've done to him."
"I will take care of him, Mom," Jonghyun insisted. "It was just one mistake. With so many things happening you can't blame me if I get tired as well. I'm not a robot. And even if I already have so many problems to deal I'm still doing everything I can for Kibum. One problem just ended when Jinki left but there's still more. You think I haven't thought that Kibum should to get treated immediately? Of course I have. But with him being like that how do you honestly think that he will be able to respond to his treatments?
"He's afraid of people, Mom. He's absolutely terrified of them. Ever since people knew about who he was they started judging him, criticizing him, and were saying malicious and hurtful things about him. Even the students at the university are talking about him and are blaming him for things he didn't do. He won't go to school anymore because all he could hear are their endless rumours and gossips that even here - in his damn own room, for God's sake - he could still hear them. I want him to get treated but how can I when his fear is preventing him?"
Chaeyoung turned her gaze to her youngest son and saw even in the dim light his small frame trembling. "Is that why he's afraid of us as well?" she asked in a whisper. "He thinks we're just like those people?" When she looked at Jonghyun, she saw how her son mirrored her expression and emotions. Both of them were crying as they stood facing each other, pain clearly shown in their eyes and without a word he walked out of the room. She could only stare at Kibum. She felt apologetic, sympathetic, and so many other things knowing that she couldn't even do anything for him except stand by and watch.
"You know we don't have to be like this anymore, Chaeyoung," Jongwoon said after a while. "We can clearly see that Kibum is suffering, we have to do what is right and Jonghyun have to see that he's wasting time. How much longer are we going to let this go on?"
"I don't know, Jongwoon. I just know that what Jonghyun is doing is not right. He... He can't do this to Kibum. This isn't how it should be and if only I knew it was going to be like this I wouldn't have given him the permission to take over everything." She sat down on Kibum's bed, her gaze not leaving her son. She could see that he had stopped trembling and was quietly sitting in the corner, his face still hidden from them. "Maybe... Maybe it's time I do something for him. I've wasted years, waited until it became like this, and it might have taken a long time but I know it's not too late to do anything."
"What do you mean, Chaeyoung? What do you plan to do?"
"Tomorrow... I'll bring Kibum to the psychiatrist and have him start his treatment," Chaeyoung said steadily, her face masked with sternness and determination. "If Jonghyun doesn't bring him tomorrow then I will. I'm not going to put up with this anymore. It doesn't matter if he disagrees with me I just know that I have to do it. Can you help me? You're the only one who can help me, Youngwoon. I can't trust my husband with this, you know that."
Jongwoon looked at Chaeyoung and nodded in understanding and agreement. Twenty years ago when they all found out about Kibum's condition, he couldn't even believe it. He only knew little things about schizophrenia, now including the things Jonghyun had told him after his nephew did his own research. And seeing Kibum at that moment, he only became even more afraid.
Both of them stayed in the room and waited until Kibum finally completely calmed down. He had raised his head a little and was looking sideways towards the wall beside him. One of his hands was at the floor, his fingers brushing the carpet mindlessly. They could hear him whispering softly but neither of them could understand what he was saying despite the dead silence in the room.
"Kibum-ah," Jongwoon called gently and saw how the latter immediately froze in his place. "Hey, it's me, Uncle Jongwoon."
He got closer carefully and sat down on the floor in front of his nephew, a gentle smile on his face. Kibum watched him suspiciously, his scared eyes locked on the older man. "I'm not going to hurt you, Kibum," he said, putting his hands up to prove himself. "I'm not like those people, I promise. See? Me and your Mom are not going to hurt you." He gestured towards Chaeyoung's direction to prove his point. "We're not like those people..."
"How do you know?" Kibum asked softly, hugging his legs closer to him.
"Because we're your family, sweetie," Chaeyoung answered instead as she, too, sat down on the floor beside Jongwoon. "Families would never hurt each other. You're my son, Kibum, and I'm your mother. I would never hurt you."
Kibum stared at her in a way that she couldn't understand. There was still suspicion and fear in his eyes but there was also a hint of trust underneath the disbelief. Carefully and slowly, she reached out and touched his face, her palm cradling his cheek. He flinched as soon as he felt their skins made contact but didn't pull away from the older woman, rather, he just stayed still and continued to look at her. "Why does everyone hate me?" he asked. "What did I do?"
Chaeyoung didn't know what to say to him, her mind trying to think of anything that she can tell him and answer his questions. "You... You didn't do anything bad or wrong, sweetie," she replied. "They just don't know you well enough and it's because they don't know you that... they just assume things about you. And... even if there are people like them, not everyone hates you. There are many people who loves you as well - me, your uncle Jongwoon, your Jonghyun hyung, your friends and Ji..."
"Yes, there are a lot of people who loves you, Kibum," Jongwoon cut her off when Chaeyoung almost said Jinki's name. He looked at his sister-in-law and warned her. "Just... Just don't think about them anymore, they are not important. What matters is that there are people who loves you. We're here for you, we will never hurt you or say such things about you. You don't have to afraid of us, Kibum. We want to help you and we'll only be able to help if you let us - if you let us approach you."
"But I don't need help," Kibum told them. "Why should I? Is there something wrong with me?"
Jongwoon and Chaeyoung looked at each other in confusion, both of them asking the other the same question. "Sweetie, you're..." she started. "Do you know what's going on with you?"
"What?" he asked back. "What is it? What?" Then he looked behind Chaeyoung, his eyes moving as if they were watching something.
She followed his gaze but only saw the dresser leaning against the wall and the closed door behind them. "What is it, Kibum?"
To their surprised, Kibum laughed. It was short and somehow it made them relieved that he laughed though they knew they shouldn't be. Chaeyoung kept her gaze behind her, her hands clutching when she heard her son laugh again and then she looked back at Kibum. "Sweetie, what is it? What do you see?" She was desperate to know what he was seeing that she can't see, to know what schizophrenia was doing to him.
"Look, he's dancing," Kibum said with a smile on his face. "He looks funny dancing like that."
"Kibum," Jongwoon called but Chaeyoung stopped him.
She stood up and motioned for him to stand up as well, leading the way outside the room. The last thing they heard before the door closed was Kibum's laughter.
A/N:
like what i said on "complicated love" i'll proofread this chapter later soo...
oh yeah, any of you guys have LINE accounts?? my user ID is the same... add me up and let's talk... pleeeeeeease *puppy eyes*
until next update... gaaah!!
- immaLocket029
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