Chapter 24 pt. 1
Never AgainA/N:
hey guys!! sorry for the long wait... (because of my mistake the update got pushed back when i was supposed to do it like a month ago... SORRY AGAIN *bows*)
so, here it is... i hope this chapter will make up for what happened (even though this is not a happy one but still...)
- immaLocket029
The moment he opened his eyes the following morning, Jonghyun was panic stricken when he saw that Kibum wasn't beside him. He bolted out of the room and frantically looked his brother, randomly opening doors to rooms that he sees. He thought of going up to the third floor but he knew that no one uses the rooms upstairs except when they have guests staying over while the rest of them were locked. Ignoring the fact that he hasn't washed up or that he was still wearing the same clothes since yesterday after falling asleep beside his brother, he went downstairs and looked for looked for Kibum.
Chaeyoung was in the living room when she saw Jonghyun walking around frantically looking. "What are you looking for?" she asked, walking towards him and placed a hand on his back.
"Where's Bummie?" Hearing him say what he used to call his younger brother made Chaeyoung flustered for a while. She hasn't heard that name in so long, and with just that she already knew that Jonghyun was starting to remember the past that she tried to erase long ago.
"He's with your uncle in the library," she said after recovering, her voice quivering at the end.
"At the library with Uncle? What are they doing there?"
"I don't know. Your uncle and I were talking earlier when Kibum walked up to us and asked Jongwoon if they could talk privately." Chaeyoung paused and despite the uneasy feeling deep within she realized it was time for her to stop hiding what's in her mind. Each time she hesitates to ask what she wanted to ask, it always caused conflict that would lead to an even greater conflict. "Your uncle told you what happened twenty years ago, didn't he?"
Jonghyun looked at his mother instead of answering immediately, remembering what he was told last night. "How did you know?"
"You used to call your brother 'Bummie' when you two were little and you haven't called him that for twenty years so I figured that was the case why you suddenly called Kibum with that name."
He realized that she was right. He unconsciously blurted out a name he thought he had already forgotten, a name he created just for his brother when he was born, and a name only he was allowed to call him with. "I... I didn't realize that. How long have they been in there?"
"Maybe an hour or so," Chaeyoung sat down and picked up a book lying on top of the coffee table in front of her. "I was surprised when your brother came out of his room on his own, and I know it's a little too early to say it but I'd like to think that it's an improvement. What do you think?" She looked up at his son and waited for his answer.
"The doctor already said he's gotten worse, he can't improve overnight just like that especially after what happened last night," Jonghyun replied, somewhat unable to control his voice as it shook from frustration that was starting to build remembering what he was told. Silence followed and he thought whether he should ask his mother or not that one question that formed in his mind. He hasn't decided yet, but when the words just left his mouth it was already to take them back. "Why'd you let Dad do that Kibum? Now that everything's being revealed I'm starting to think that maybe it was a bad idea to let you get close to Kibum because knowing how you acted twenty years ago makes me think that you're not suited to be a mother after all, even until now."
Chaeyoung's eyes widened slightly as her hands shook despite holding something. She saw how her son's expression hardened, his eyes cold and sharp, and when she couldn't bear it any longer she looked away. "God knows how much I regretted it, Jonghyun. And I will forever carry it with me because I know than even if he did forgive me, I still left a deep scar in his heart."
Jonghyun saw how his mother's eyes turned glossy as tears started to form until one escaped from her right eye. She wiped her tear with her palm and tried to control herself and her emotions from overflowing as she closed the book she was holding. Sometimes Jonghyun wondered what was really going on inside his mother's mind, how sometimes she acts so hateful then the next she's the most caring person. Truth be told, he no longer knows what to think of his own mother. He wanted to say something back, and even though he knew that Chaeyoung was hurting as well as he was, he didn't want to make everything worse.
Instead, he went up to his room and washed up. Knowing that Kibum was with their uncle didn't make him feel anxious or worried. All he could think about was why his brother approached their uncle first. Though he was glad somehow that Kibum was showing signs of being normal again, there was still that part of him that wondered how long it will last. Then he thought about what Jongwoon told him the night before. He wanted to tell Kibum everything so he won't misunderstand anything and to let him know about the past that he somehow forgot despite how much it would hurt him to learn such things.
But as Jonghyun thought more about it, he started considering what his uncle said. Maybe it would be best if Kibum doesn't know anything at all and remember just how badly he was treated in the past. And just thinking of telling him everything all over again made Jonghyun clench his fist, his decision slowly altering towards the latter. After thoroughly thinking everything repeatedly, he had completely understood why his uncle didn't want to tell Kibum the whole thing. They were both trying to protect him, and even though they had opposing views of what should be done, Jonghyun decided to do the same thing as Jongwoon.
~
He had been staring at the older man for quite some time, his mind trying to thread through his memories in hopes of remembering. Kibum tried to remember the faces of the people he met in the past and previously, but eventually he failed. The man in front of him that was supposedly his uncle looked somehow familiar to him - mainly because he resembled his older brother, his father - but each time he tried to picture the man's face in each of his memories, nothing matched. To him, the man was a complete stranger. The previous night was a blur to him, some only giving him brief glimpses of what happened. And even though he believed that he only met the said man in front of him no more than a complete day, Kibum wasn't - though strangely enough - feeling afraid being with just him inside a room.
The man coughed and cleared his throat, breaking the silence that surrounded them. They've been inside the room for more or less than an hour though neither had said anything at all. Jongwoon was surprised when his nephew approached him, softly asking if they could talk privately. The night before was almost chaotic in his opinion, questions created through series of events that he didn't expect to happen at all. Seeing his nephew within an arm's reach made him see what he didn't see the night before. The younger's eyes glossy and lifeless, his cheekbones protruding as his cheeks concave, and his complexion pasty.
Because of the silence, he could hear the latter's deep breathing as if he was having trouble with it. The longer he watched his nephew, the more concerned he was becoming. He had been restraining himself from calling Jonghyun, wanting to make sure that Kibum was fine despite how he appeared. Eventually, after minutes of hesitating, he finally asked. "Are you okay? If... If you're feeling uncomfortable being alone with me I'll call your brother."
The second Jongwoon was done Kibum felt a jolt go through him as he pulled the man's sleeve and stopped him from standing up. As much as he wanted Jonghyun beside him - holding his hand, reassuring him - he knew that if his brother was there he wouldn't be able to find out what he wanted. "N-no, don't please," he said, his voice cracking. Jongwoon looked at him in surprise but eventually sat back down as Kibum retrieved his hand back. "I'm f-fine,” he stuttered. “I'm just trying to remember, that's all." He wasn't lying but he wasn't completely telling the truth, either.
He tried to stop the beginning of another hyperventilation as his hands started shaking and his breathing quickened. He can see his uncle looking at him in concern, the wanting in his eyes to call someone, and also the hint of fear not knowing what to do. Kibum had seen Jonghyun look at him the same way the older man in front of him was doing, and he couldn't help but rebuke himself. If only he could, he would've scolded himself for becoming so weak and frail that the slightest things can make him crumble and words hurt him as if he was stabbed.
Days ago, he figured that there was something wrong going on with him. And last night proved it. He wanted to know what it was that was making him feel so helpless, that even with Jonghyun helping at the very end it was no use. But each time he tried to open his mouth he couldn't get the words out and ask the questions that had been forming in his head. The moment his eyes opened that morning, Kibum knew he wanted to know if all those things he heard the night before were true. He wanted to know since when was he schizophrenic, what memories were missing, and just who was it that died because of him.
Carefully, he folded his legs up to his chest and stared at his uncle, hugging himself as tight as he could. "Am I really schizophrenic?" he whispered. Despite knowing that it was just the two of them inside the room, Kibum still felt the need to whisper as if not wanting anyone to hear every word he says.
Jongwoon half expected his nephew to ask about himself yet it still managed to shock him. Hesitantly he nodded, avoiding his nephew's eyes as he coughed to hide the nervousness from his voice. "Kibum, I promised you're brother that I won't tell anything, that he'd do it himself because I know that you're more comfortable being with him than anyone else. You've heard me and your mother talking last night, but it's not right for me to be telling you these things. Your question, I can only answer that one because how else can I deny it when you've heard it yourself? I don't know what exactly happened before I came, and I've already told your brother everything I know so if you have question all you have to do is ask him."
"Since when?" Kibum asked, somehow ignoring what Jongwoon just told him. "It doesn't sound like it was just recently, since when have I been schizophrenic?"
"Kibum, please," Jongwoon half-pleaded. He couldn't bear to answer his nephew's questions seeing him so frail.
"Jonghyun's not going to tell me if I ask him. I don't want to ask Mom because I can't do it. You're the only one I can ask."
When Jongwoon heard Kibum's voice tremble he felt his resolution crumbling. When he looked up to see his nephew's face he almost regretted it. There he was looking at him with tears in his eyes threatening to fall, his hands tightly gripping the ends of his sleeves. "Your brother and I already talked about it, Kibum. He and I already discussed and we both decided that it'll be better if he explains it to you. It's up to him when to tell you, but in my opinion though it might offend you, I think it's better if you don't know. You already know about your condition but aside from that I think you'll be better off knowing what happened in the past."
He saw that Kibum was about to say something but he continued his nephew could start. "I'm not saying that because I was being selfish - maybe I am - but I'm just thinking of what's good for you. Knowing the past will only hurt you, Kibum. And even though I probably don't have the right to say this but I think you should forget about what you heard last night. It's not going to do you any good if you find out."
Kibum saw the sincerity in his uncle's eyes and heard the pleading tone in his voice. He was desperate to know what he heard the night before but with how their conversation was going it was obvious that he wouldn't be able to. Instead he tried to think of something else, something different that would take his mind off the things he wanted to know, things that would take a while until he finds out. To his relief, Jongwoon once again started their conversation with a different topic, easing the uneasiness he was starting to feel as he tried to distract himself.
The man coughed and cleared his throat, breaking the silence that surrounded them. They've been inside the room for more or less than an hour though neither had said anything at all. Jongwoon was surprised when his nephew approached him, softly asking if they could talk privately. The night before was almost chaotic in his opinion, questions created through series of events that he didn't expect to happen at all. Seeing his nephew within an arm's reach made him see what he didn't see the night before. The younger's eyes glossy and lifeless, his cheekbones protruding as his cheeks concave, and his complexion pasty.
Because of the silence, he could hear the latter's deep breathing as if he was having trouble with it. The longer he watched his nephew, the more concerned he was becoming. He had been restraining himself from calling Jonghyun, wanting to make sure that Kibum was fine despite how he appeared. Eventually, after minutes of hesitating, he finally asked. "Are you okay? If... If you're feeling uncomfortable being alone with me I'll call your brother."
The second Jongwoon was done Kibum felt a jolt go through him as he pulled the man's sleeve and stopped him from standing up. As much as he wanted Jonghyun beside him - holding his hand, reassuring him - he knew that if his brother was there he wouldn't be able to find out what he wanted. "N-no, don't please," he said, his voice cracking. Jongwoon looked at him in surprise but eventually sat back down as Kibum retrieved his hand back. "I'm f-fine,” he stuttered. “I'm just trying to remember, that's all." He wasn't lying but he wasn't completely telling the truth, either.
He tried to stop the beginning of another hyperventilation as his hands started shaking and his breathing quickened. He can see his uncle looking at him in concern, the wanting in his eyes to call someone, and also the hint of fear not knowing what to do. Kibum had seen Jonghyun look at him the same way the older man in front of him was doing, and he couldn't help but rebuke himself. If only he could, he would've scolded himself for becoming so weak and frail that the slightest things can make him crumble and words hurt him as if he was stabbed.
Days ago, he figured that there was something wrong going on with him. And last night proved it. He wanted to know what it was that was making him feel so helpless, that even with Jonghyun helping at the very end it was no use. But each time he tried to open his mouth he couldn't get the words out and ask the questions that had been forming in his head. The moment his eyes opened that morning, Kibum knew he wanted to know if all those things he heard the night before were true. He wanted to know since when was he schizophrenic, what memories were missing, and just who was it that died because of him.
Carefully, he folded his legs up to his chest and stared at his uncle, hugging himself as tight as he could. "Am I really schizophrenic?" he whispered. Despite knowing that it was just the two of them inside the room, Kibum still felt the need to whisper as if not wanting anyone to hear every word he says.
Jongwoon half expected his nephew to ask about himself yet it still managed to shock him. Hesitantly he nodded, avoiding his nephew's eyes as he coughed to hide the nervousness from his voice. "Kibum, I promised you're brother that I won't tell anything, that he'd do it himself because I know that you're more comfortable being with him than anyone else. You've heard me and your mother talking last night, but it's not right for me to be telling you these things. Your question, I can only answer that one because how else can I deny it when you've heard it yourself? I don't know what exactly happened before I came, and I've already told your brother everything I know so if you have question all you have to do is ask him."
"Since when?" Kibum asked, somehow ignoring what Jongwoon just told him. "It doesn't sound like it was just recently, since when have I been schizophrenic?"
"Kibum, please," Jongwoon half-pleaded. He couldn't bear to answer his nephew's questions seeing him so frail.
"Jonghyun's not going to tell me if I ask him. I don't want to ask Mom because I can't do it. You're the only one I can ask."
When Jongwoon heard Kibum's voice tremble he felt his resolution crumbling. When he looked up to see his nephew's face he almost regretted it. There he was looking at him with tears in his eyes threatening to fall, his hands tightly gripping the ends of his sleeves. "Your brother and I already talked about it, Kibum. He and I already discussed and we both decided that it'll be better if he explains it to you. It's up to him when to tell you, but in my opinion though it might offend you, I think it's better if you don't know. You already know about your condition but aside from that I think you'll be better off knowing what happened in the past."
He saw that Kibum was about to say something but he continued his nephew could start. "I'm not saying that because I was being selfish - maybe I am - but I'm just thinking of what's good for you. Knowing the past will only hurt you, Kibum. And even though I probably don't have the right to say this but I think you should forget about what you heard last night. It's not going to do you any good if you find out."
Kibum saw the sincerity in his uncle's eyes and heard the pleading tone in his voice. He was desperate to know what he heard the night before but with how their conversation was going it was obvious that he wouldn't be able to. Instead he tried to think of something else, something different that would take his mind off the things he wanted to know, things that would take a while until he finds out. To his relief, Jongwoon once again started their conversation with a different topic, easing the uneasiness he was starting to feel as he tried to distract himself.
As they talked, Jongwoon couldn't help but notice that despite his nephew's current condition, the way the younger talked definitely made him interested and intrigued at the same time. Even though Kibum used such simple words there was something in them that caught Jongwoon's attention and as their conversation went on and their topics changing from one thing to another, he realized something. He had seen already how much Jonghyun resembled his father in some ways especially when it comes to work related things. Hearing Kibum talk about himself - though not thoroughly - he realized that his youngest nephew also inherited a characteristic that Youngwoon rarely shows to anyone though to anyone who had witness it were left with a deep impression.
"What made you choose Fine Arts instead of a different course?" he asked once, curious of his nephew's reason.
"I don't know either," Kibum replied. "I only know that I became interested in art ever since I was young. I never received any special lesson until I entered high school, even when I started university I still don't why I took arts instead of something else. I just know that somehow a connection appeared, until I feel like I couldn't live without it anymore. Every day I did nothing but create images - images that always appear in my head from out of nowhere - and I won't feel satisfied until all of them are physically in front of me."
"But, have you ever thought of taking something else? I mean, you're very smart, Kibum, and I don't mean to offend you or anything but there are other courses out there that suit you more. Maybe Law, Medicine, or even Business – just like your brother."
"Intelligence isn't based on the course," Kibum replied, a forced smile briefly appearing on his face. "Being an artist isn't that easy, just like being a lawyer, or doctor or a business. Each of them have their own features and difficulties, I only chose what I feel I should. And after being with it for such a long time, it has become a big part of me. Without it, I'm nothing."
What Kibum just told him made Jongwoon remember someone from both his past and present, putting a smile on his face though the memory it brought was a painful and bitter one. "You're just like Eli, you know? He said the same thing to me when he told me he wanted to become an artist just like his mother. At first, it made me feel disappointed that he chose to pursue something that's not even going to bring him anywhere. I've always expected him to be someone I can be really proud of, or at least grow up and become like me a surgeon. But when he told he wanted to paint just like his mother made me realize that maybe he wanted to bring back to life what his mother started."
"My aunt was also an artist?" Kibum asked and Jongwoon nodded.
"Yeah, she was a Fine Arts student as well when we met."
"Where is she?"
Jongwoon already saw it coming the minute he mentioned his wife yet it still took him by surprise when Kibum asked him. "She... She's dead," he said in a strained voice.
"What happened to her?" Kibum doesn't even know the cause of her aunt's death yet he immediately assumed that she was the one who died because of him. He shook the thought away and tried to concentrate to what his uncle was going to say.
"My wife," he started his eyes blank and glistening. "She was never the strong type of woman. After she and I got married we found out that she wasn't capable of conceiving a child. We tried everything we could because I knew how much she wanted to have a baby. It took us a couple of years when she finally got pregnant. But her pregnancy was too sensitive we almost lost Eli a couple of times. When it was time for her to give birth, we were given a choice - for her to give birth to our son and die or for her to live. I wanted her to live, but she wanted to give birth despite the fact that she might die. I promised the day we got married that I'll do anything to make her happy, and when she told me that giving birth to our son was what will make her happy I... I had no choice."
"So she died after giving birth to Eli?" Kibum finished what his uncle was going to say, seeing that it was hard for the older to continue. "Do you regret it?"
Jongwoon immediately shook his head and straightened himself. "No, of course not. I don't regret it, and I'm sure my wife is happy wherever she is watching over me and Eli. I think even though I lost my wife, having my son here - all grown up and healthy - is all that matters now. She may have given up her life but at the same time she gave me a gift - our son."
The room fell silent once again and even though Kibum asked him the questions randomly, he felt bad. He didn't mean to make his uncle feel sad remembering his dead wife and he silently scolded himself for being careless. He closed his eyes trying to get rid of the anxious feeling that was beginning to form. He stood up almost too suddenly that made Jongwoon startled and with one quick bow he walked out of the room without another word. He didn't know why but his chest felt constricted as his hand grasped the loose sweater he was wearing.
When the door closed behind his nephew, Jongwoon suddenly realized what he just said his widening in shock. How could he have not realized that her wife's death was similar to how his mother died, both women giving up their life to save a child? His carelessness had already caused an uproar the night before and after what he just said to Kibum he started worrying if it might make the latter want to find out even more about his past.
"She gave up her life for her son," he thought, unaware of which direction he was going. "Then what about the one died because of me? How did she die?"
"Why are you so deep in thought?" Kibum looked up and saw his older brother standing in front of him with a curious look on his face.
"N-nothing," he replied as he tried to compose himself, quickly looking away as his brother continued to look at him playfully trying to see his eyes.
Jonghyun knew that there was something else, but knowing that his brother was not going to tell him he can only sigh. "Alright," he said as he ruffled the latter's hair and Kibum began walking towards his room. "Oh, and Bummie," he called, making his brother stop just steps away from the door to his room. "I'm sorry I fell asleep at your bed. I was just checking you up last night and I guess I ended up falling asleep. It must have must have made you feel uncomfortable."
Kibum only stood with his back facing his brother, his thoughts automatically perceiving the fact that Jonghyun was once again apologizing to him even when he didn't do anything wrong. Then he started counting the times when his older brother apologized to him and found out that it’s been more than he expected. Each time Jonghyun said sorry to him, he was never at fault. It was always him. Jonghyun had been helping him the whole time and yet whenever he felt frustrated and lash out towards the older his brother would still be the one to apologize for not being careful.
He heard footsteps walking further away from him and before his brother could enter his room, he ran after him and he wrapped his arms around the elder’s torso. He hugged him as tight as he could, though knowing just how frail he had become he thought that no matter how much he tried Jonghyun would only feel his feel his arms moving. "I'm sorry, hyung," he whispered. "I should be the one apologizing to you not the other way around. It's not fair that you're the one who kept saying it when I'm the one who's at fault. You're only trying to help me and yet I kept making things hard for you. I should be the one saying sorry to you each time I feel like I'm not myself because I know how much it's making you feel terrible. I'm sorry, hyung."
Jonghyun was stunned. Not because of what Kibum just said but because of what he heard. For the first time in so many years, his younger brother called him 'hyung' but he doesn't know how to react to it. He was certain that he was happy but he just doesn't know how to show it. They both stood there in silence as minutes passed by and Jonghyun could feel his brother's fingers fiddling with his shirt - a sign that he was anxious. Eventually he turned around and hugged him back, and even though he can feel how thin his brother had become, Jonghyun couldn't help himself but hug him as tight as he could as he showed him just how happy he was.
He couldn't stop smiling and he couldn't stop himself from giving his brother another squeeze before letting go. "It's okay, really. I'm your 'hyung' and as your 'hyung' it's part of my job to take care of you." Kibum was confused why his brother was smiling at him - why he seemed so happy - when all he did was apologize for making things difficult for him. Jonghyun kept his gaze even when he can see that the younger was looking at him with a confused expression on his face, letting a short laugh escape his lips. "From now on, Bummie, hyung will help you no matter what, okay? Can you... can you call me 'hyung' again?"
Kibum hesitated, feeling a slight discomfort within him but eventually he ignored it. What was there for him to be uncomfortable about? Sure he doesn't know why his brother was happy after what he said though on the other hand he was somehow relieved that Jonghyun wasn't upset of what has been going on for the past few days especially what happened the night before. Seeing the older in front of him with a smile on his face, Kibum thought maybe he should try making things easier not just for himself but also for everyone. And when he said, "Hyung," softly and he was once again enveloped in a hug he thought that maybe if he tried, whatever has been going on with him would subside and he would be back to normal once more.
~
He had been thinking about it a lot, whether he should go or stay. Ever since their last encounter that night he couldn't get rid of his image out of his mind. Even in his sleep he kept seeing how he begged him to stop, the sound of his voice breathless and choked. In his dreams he tried to reach out for him but each time it was as if he couldn't get hold of him. His hands would go through him but everything won't seem to change. The parking lot grounds covered in dirty snow, the cars passing by just a couple of meters away from them, and then him lying on the ground helpless and hurting. Jinki wanted to open his eyes and wake up, to escape the dream where he cut off the last strings that connected him to Kibum - his Kibum.
When he's asleep, it was that dream that kept haunting him. When he's awake, it was the bitter reality of the outcome he chose to accept that he had to face each day. He kept lying to himself that it was what's best for both of them - to be apart from each other - but each time he knew he was only forcing himself to believe that his lies would soon become the truth and suffer even more afterwards.
Even at work he couldn't escape it. Whenever he's alone inside his office, all he could think of were the times Kibum spent the rest of his days with him at work. He would be doing sketches, reading a book, or even helping him out with his work. Each corner of the room, he would picture Kibum doing something, sometimes his expression serious or concentrating or even smiling at him while he's behind his desk. He'd been thinking about Kibum most of the time, wherever he goes, he would see him. But it was too late for him to take him back. Or rather he kept telling himself that it was too late just so he wouldn't drive off to the Kim's and take his Kibum with him and drive off somewhere far away.
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