Chapter 20 pt. 2
Never AgainA/N:
here's the next part of chapter 20...
- immaLocket029
Three weeks later...
After what my mom did to me and after what happened between Taemin and I, I decided to to move out of the house and temporarily stay at a hotel. Of course I still had to make a deal with my dad just so I could go and escape. I haven't talked to Taemin in ever since that day, although when I left I told him why I decided to leave our house. I saw his face contort with anger when I told him that our mom almost married me off to someone I barely knew. But what shock me the most though was why she did it.
Flashback
"Do you have any idea how humiliated I was when said those things back at the restaurant, Lee Jinki?" mom exclaimed as soon as she entered the house and saw me in the living room. I was looking for a hotel to stay in for a few days, and even though I thought about staying at our own hotel, I decided not to. My dad was also there in the living room, reading a newspaper. He doesn't seem interest in whatever's going on between me and my mom but I knew that he was listening.
"How do you expect me to be okay after finding out that you're setting me up with some girl?" I asked back, putting my phone away and faced her.
"If you don't want her you could've said it nicely, not say those things in front of them. "Not over your boyfriend?" Did you even think about what Mrs. Ahn will think of me?" I quickly snuck a glanced towards my father, but when I saw that he was still reading his newspaper I looked back at my mom.
"Why do care so much about what other people think? And so what if I told them that. It's the truth so why should I lie?" Before she could answer my dad quietly stood up from his chair and left the room, leaving me alone with her. He was probably feeling uncomfortable with the topic of our argument and decided to leave instead of being stuck in the middle.
"People are already mocking me because I have a gay son," she cried, "Do you want me to flooded with shame when they found out that even you, was attracted to the same ?"
She walked closer towards me with her hand stretched out and held the side of my face. "Jinki-ah, do what's best for your family, hm? You need to start and raise a family of your own, find a wife, and have children. It's what you're supposed to do. You're the only one I can rely on giving me and you're father a grandchild. I know your brother wouldn't be able to give me that one simple thing and you're my only hope. This family needs an heir for the company and I'm pretty sure your father would want the same thing," she sounded almost pleading, staring at me with an expression I couldn't read.
"Does dad know about it?" I asked, calmer than before.
"I mentioned it to him a week ago. That was it, I didn't wait for hi to say anything because either way I still would've done it," she replied.
End of flashback
I never knew that my mother was somewhat ashamed of Taemin's preference of his partner. I thought she was okay with his relationship with Minho, I thought she was an open person unlike some parents who abandon their child because of their uality. Even when I told her that I was dating Kibum in the first place she looked really happy. But remembering those words that came from her it shocked and disgusts me. I never knew that it's how she felt about her sons being with the same as their partners. I never knew that she was this narrow-minded as to do such a thing.
Because I've been away from home, I celebrated my birthday by myself. I receive quite a few messages from some people; all of them said the same thing and are either kissing up on me or just obliged to do it, not one being written wholeheartedly sincerely. I didn't want to be rude so I just thanked them with just as much sincerity as their greetings to me. The only one that really mattered among those greetings was the one from Taemin. I wondered how he managed to get his phone back from dad.
When I came to work yesterday, I was reminded of the Christmas party that I was supposed to attend and being the vice-president I was obliged to attend a company affair. With all the things that' happened to me I didn't even feel like going and just plain ditch the whole event. But standing here with all these people, the employees and my dad's friends, I've never felt so alone before. All of them were all talking to each other, all of them have smiles on their faces, and all of them seemed to be having a good time. All of them except for me.
I've been here for a couple of hours already, and since I came here I've only talked a few times. I greeted the guests, of course, but after that I remained quiet. The night was still only half way from ending, still half way before I could get myself back at the hotel and have a time for myself. Like how I did for my birthday, I'll probably celebrate it on Christmas on my own with a simple dinner and drink alcohol to my heart's content. Being me , and I just wish, even if it sounds horrible, I just wish that I'm not the only person spending such a special time like this.
When dinner was served and everyone was eating happily while chatting, I pretended that I'm going to the bathroom in order to escape for a little while. Instead of going there, I went outside to the parking lot where I was met with freezing cold December air. It was tolerable since I was wearing layers underneath my suit jacket but I was apprehensive about turning back and going back in. I decided to stay out and kept walking, and being the person out during the time I could hear the crunching of my shoes against the snow.
It's somewhat a white Christmas, piles of unmelted snow pushed on the sidewalks making for the cars, but some managing to stay on the pavement. I went to one of the trees and was grateful that no was still in the parking lot. The tree was shading me from the street lamp, and it probably made it for others to see me under it because of the shadows concealing me. But I guess I was wrong when I heard someone whisper my name nearby. I never thought that someone would be there beside the tree I was under in, more so I'd never thought that fate would be this cruel to let me see him again.
Kibum was sitting under the tree beside the tree I was under, his legs folded against his chest. I wondered how he can sit on such a cold ground, especially when I knew that he doesn't like wearing layers on winter. He was wearing a dress shirt, a suit jacket, and dress pants; no scarf or gloves. He doesn't like the cold that much but how can he sit there like it wasn't cold when it's almost below twenty degrees out. He stared up at me, and that's where I only noticed how much he had changed ever since we got separated.
Even in the shadows I can how much weight he had lost, how cheeks that used to be slightly chubby was now replaced with slightly hollowed skin, his fingers were bony, and the look on his eyes were completely different. He looked so small compared to the last time I'd seen him, and even though that last time was horrible to remember, I don't think seeing him like this was no better. When he whispered my name again I almost walked over and hugged him, missing how he felt and smelled whenever I hugged him before. But I had to refrain myself, because otherwise all the things that I've said would come back and haunt me.
He stood up and I backed away, watching him walk towards me his eyes never leaving me. When he was close enough that's where I saw that he was crying. I never liked it when he's crying, I never liked how his tears kept coming and flowing down on his face, and I never liked it that the reason he's crying was all because of me. I knew it was stupid how I kept saying that I should move on and that I don't love him anymore, that I don't want him get hurt and all that. But because of me that he was like this, and as much as I want to back all the words I've said before, I couldn't. I have to act harsh and cold towards him, that way it'll be easier for him to hate me and forget about me. That's what he needed to do.
"What are you doing here?" I asked. It sounded harsh, but that's how I needed to act in front of him, make him believe that I don't want anything more to do with him.
"Dad's company was also having a Christmas party nearby," he replied weakly.
His tears, how he looked, and his voice; all of him was breaking me and even if I tried to keep myself composed it wasn't that easy seeing him like this in front me.
"Why are you here? Are you involved in father's business now, huh? I thought you don't want to be a part of it because you don't care, that you never wanted to be involved with his business."
"I don't," he said shaking his head. "Jonghyun brought me here along with him."
I raised a brow, almost shocked about what he just said. "Looks like you and your brother are finally getting along now."
“Why does it sound like it’s a bad thing that he and I are getting along now? Isn’t it supposed to be a good thing?”
“But don’t you hate him? You kept saying that before, didn’t you? You said you never wanted to have anything to do with him.”
He looked down, his fingers fiddling with each other - a sign that he's scared or nervous - and didn't say anything. We stood there in the shadows without talking, and because of how quiet the parking lot was I could hear his heavy breathing. His tears had subsided, his cheeks glimmering from the wetness. "I don't hate him anymore, Jinki. He's... He's helping me," he replied.
I tried to keep myself composed after hearing him say my name. It seemed so easy for him to say it just like that, while I on the other hand haven't even said his name ever since seeing him here. "Helping you with what?"
It took him some time to answer, his eyes moving side ways as if he was trying to find the right words on the ground. "He's helping me heal," he whispered, bringing his eyes back up and immediately meeting mine like magnets. "He's helping me get through all this and if it wasn't for him I'd probably lost it ever since that day."
A sob escapees his lips, I was sure that both of us were thinking back to that very day where our fathers broke us apart. Looking at his eyes carefully, even with the lack of light, I can see there was something else that he wanted to say. Being with him for months allowed me to read him through his eyes, but sometimes he was able to hide his emotions so well that I don't even know what's going through his mind. Now everything was clearly shown to me, and it's my turn to hide what I was feeling.
"Can I ask you something?" I nodded and he continued, "They told me you agreed to give me up to my dad, that you were part of their plan all along. Was that true?" his voice started shaking and losing its volume. Because he was breathing through his mouth I can hear each exhale and see the fog every time he breathes.
He just stared at me, his eyes boring into mine. They look so lost and defeated that I even felt like I was also getting lost just by looking at him. Is this what Taemin meant when he said those things to me before? With him looking like this in front of me, it felt weird to see him so different. It doesn’t feel right seeing him so weak and helpless but I knew that I caused him to be like this so I have no right to feel bad. But I couldn’t help it. I want to get away from here. I don’t want to see him anymore like this.
"Jinki, tell me - was that true?" he repeated.
Lie to him, a part of me said. I was conflicted on whether I should deny it or admit it, on whether I should tell everything I was feeling and run away with him. He was expecting me to answer him, the look on his eyes somewhat hopeful that I deny it but at the same time scared that I might admit it. I don't want to lie to him, I want to tell him everything and tell him I'm sorry for what's been happening to him. But I couldn't find the right words to start what I wanted to say, I couldn't make a sound and tell him that I shouldn't have done it.
"Jinki," his tone became pleading, his sobs once again becoming cries. His eyes kept blinking with how his tears just kept flowing from his eyes.
"It's true," I replied weakly. Ever since from seeing I haven't taken my eyes off of him, but seeing him looking at me with earnest and my failing resistance I had to look away. "I did give you up."
His eyes widen from my reply, his hands limply hanging by his side as he stood there. “If I asked you to take me back, will you? I’ll change for you if that’s what you want,” the way he said it came out almost like a breath that I wasn't even sure that I heard it right. Even so I decided to answer him.
After what my mom did to me and after what happened between Taemin and I, I decided to to move out of the house and temporarily stay at a hotel. Of course I still had to make a deal with my dad just so I could go and escape. I haven't talked to Taemin in ever since that day, although when I left I told him why I decided to leave our house. I saw his face contort with anger when I told him that our mom almost married me off to someone I barely knew. But what shock me the most though was why she did it.
Flashback
"Do you have any idea how humiliated I was when said those things back at the restaurant, Lee Jinki?" mom exclaimed as soon as she entered the house and saw me in the living room. I was looking for a hotel to stay in for a few days, and even though I thought about staying at our own hotel, I decided not to. My dad was also there in the living room, reading a newspaper. He doesn't seem interest in whatever's going on between me and my mom but I knew that he was listening.
"How do you expect me to be okay after finding out that you're setting me up with some girl?" I asked back, putting my phone away and faced her.
"If you don't want her you could've said it nicely, not say those things in front of them. "Not over your boyfriend?" Did you even think about what Mrs. Ahn will think of me?" I quickly snuck a glanced towards my father, but when I saw that he was still reading his newspaper I looked back at my mom.
"Why do care so much about what other people think? And so what if I told them that. It's the truth so why should I lie?" Before she could answer my dad quietly stood up from his chair and left the room, leaving me alone with her. He was probably feeling uncomfortable with the topic of our argument and decided to leave instead of being stuck in the middle.
"People are already mocking me because I have a gay son," she cried, "Do you want me to flooded with shame when they found out that even you, was attracted to the same ?"
She walked closer towards me with her hand stretched out and held the side of my face. "Jinki-ah, do what's best for your family, hm? You need to start and raise a family of your own, find a wife, and have children. It's what you're supposed to do. You're the only one I can rely on giving me and you're father a grandchild. I know your brother wouldn't be able to give me that one simple thing and you're my only hope. This family needs an heir for the company and I'm pretty sure your father would want the same thing," she sounded almost pleading, staring at me with an expression I couldn't read.
"Does dad know about it?" I asked, calmer than before.
"I mentioned it to him a week ago. That was it, I didn't wait for hi to say anything because either way I still would've done it," she replied.
End of flashback
I never knew that my mother was somewhat ashamed of Taemin's preference of his partner. I thought she was okay with his relationship with Minho, I thought she was an open person unlike some parents who abandon their child because of their uality. Even when I told her that I was dating Kibum in the first place she looked really happy. But remembering those words that came from her it shocked and disgusts me. I never knew that it's how she felt about her sons being with the same as their partners. I never knew that she was this narrow-minded as to do such a thing.
Because I've been away from home, I celebrated my birthday by myself. I receive quite a few messages from some people; all of them said the same thing and are either kissing up on me or just obliged to do it, not one being written wholeheartedly sincerely. I didn't want to be rude so I just thanked them with just as much sincerity as their greetings to me. The only one that really mattered among those greetings was the one from Taemin. I wondered how he managed to get his phone back from dad.
When I came to work yesterday, I was reminded of the Christmas party that I was supposed to attend and being the vice-president I was obliged to attend a company affair. With all the things that' happened to me I didn't even feel like going and just plain ditch the whole event. But standing here with all these people, the employees and my dad's friends, I've never felt so alone before. All of them were all talking to each other, all of them have smiles on their faces, and all of them seemed to be having a good time. All of them except for me.
I've been here for a couple of hours already, and since I came here I've only talked a few times. I greeted the guests, of course, but after that I remained quiet. The night was still only half way from ending, still half way before I could get myself back at the hotel and have a time for myself. Like how I did for my birthday, I'll probably celebrate it on Christmas on my own with a simple dinner and drink alcohol to my heart's content. Being me , and I just wish, even if it sounds horrible, I just wish that I'm not the only person spending such a special time like this.
When dinner was served and everyone was eating happily while chatting, I pretended that I'm going to the bathroom in order to escape for a little while. Instead of going there, I went outside to the parking lot where I was met with freezing cold December air. It was tolerable since I was wearing layers underneath my suit jacket but I was apprehensive about turning back and going back in. I decided to stay out and kept walking, and being the person out during the time I could hear the crunching of my shoes against the snow.
It's somewhat a white Christmas, piles of unmelted snow pushed on the sidewalks making for the cars, but some managing to stay on the pavement. I went to one of the trees and was grateful that no was still in the parking lot. The tree was shading me from the street lamp, and it probably made it for others to see me under it because of the shadows concealing me. But I guess I was wrong when I heard someone whisper my name nearby. I never thought that someone would be there beside the tree I was under in, more so I'd never thought that fate would be this cruel to let me see him again.
Kibum was sitting under the tree beside the tree I was under, his legs folded against his chest. I wondered how he can sit on such a cold ground, especially when I knew that he doesn't like wearing layers on winter. He was wearing a dress shirt, a suit jacket, and dress pants; no scarf or gloves. He doesn't like the cold that much but how can he sit there like it wasn't cold when it's almost below twenty degrees out. He stared up at me, and that's where I only noticed how much he had changed ever since we got separated.
Even in the shadows I can how much weight he had lost, how cheeks that used to be slightly chubby was now replaced with slightly hollowed skin, his fingers were bony, and the look on his eyes were completely different. He looked so small compared to the last time I'd seen him, and even though that last time was horrible to remember, I don't think seeing him like this was no better. When he whispered my name again I almost walked over and hugged him, missing how he felt and smelled whenever I hugged him before. But I had to refrain myself, because otherwise all the things that I've said would come back and haunt me.
He stood up and I backed away, watching him walk towards me his eyes never leaving me. When he was close enough that's where I saw that he was crying. I never liked it when he's crying, I never liked how his tears kept coming and flowing down on his face, and I never liked it that the reason he's crying was all because of me. I knew it was stupid how I kept saying that I should move on and that I don't love him anymore, that I don't want him get hurt and all that. But because of me that he was like this, and as much as I want to back all the words I've said before, I couldn't. I have to act harsh and cold towards him, that way it'll be easier for him to hate me and forget about me. That's what he needed to do.
"What are you doing here?" I asked. It sounded harsh, but that's how I needed to act in front of him, make him believe that I don't want anything more to do with him.
"Dad's company was also having a Christmas party nearby," he replied weakly.
His tears, how he looked, and his voice; all of him was breaking me and even if I tried to keep myself composed it wasn't that easy seeing him like this in front me.
"Why are you here? Are you involved in father's business now, huh? I thought you don't want to be a part of it because you don't care, that you never wanted to be involved with his business."
"I don't," he said shaking his head. "Jonghyun brought me here along with him."
I raised a brow, almost shocked about what he just said. "Looks like you and your brother are finally getting along now."
“Why does it sound like it’s a bad thing that he and I are getting along now? Isn’t it supposed to be a good thing?”
“But don’t you hate him? You kept saying that before, didn’t you? You said you never wanted to have anything to do with him.”
He looked down, his fingers fiddling with each other - a sign that he's scared or nervous - and didn't say anything. We stood there in the shadows without talking, and because of how quiet the parking lot was I could hear his heavy breathing. His tears had subsided, his cheeks glimmering from the wetness. "I don't hate him anymore, Jinki. He's... He's helping me," he replied.
I tried to keep myself composed after hearing him say my name. It seemed so easy for him to say it just like that, while I on the other hand haven't even said his name ever since seeing him here. "Helping you with what?"
It took him some time to answer, his eyes moving side ways as if he was trying to find the right words on the ground. "He's helping me heal," he whispered, bringing his eyes back up and immediately meeting mine like magnets. "He's helping me get through all this and if it wasn't for him I'd probably lost it ever since that day."
A sob escapees his lips, I was sure that both of us were thinking back to that very day where our fathers broke us apart. Looking at his eyes carefully, even with the lack of light, I can see there was something else that he wanted to say. Being with him for months allowed me to read him through his eyes, but sometimes he was able to hide his emotions so well that I don't even know what's going through his mind. Now everything was clearly shown to me, and it's my turn to hide what I was feeling.
"Can I ask you something?" I nodded and he continued, "They told me you agreed to give me up to my dad, that you were part of their plan all along. Was that true?" his voice started shaking and losing its volume. Because he was breathing through his mouth I can hear each exhale and see the fog every time he breathes.
He just stared at me, his eyes boring into mine. They look so lost and defeated that I even felt like I was also getting lost just by looking at him. Is this what Taemin meant when he said those things to me before? With him looking like this in front of me, it felt weird to see him so different. It doesn’t feel right seeing him so weak and helpless but I knew that I caused him to be like this so I have no right to feel bad. But I couldn’t help it. I want to get away from here. I don’t want to see him anymore like this.
"Jinki, tell me - was that true?" he repeated.
Lie to him, a part of me said. I was conflicted on whether I should deny it or admit it, on whether I should tell everything I was feeling and run away with him. He was expecting me to answer him, the look on his eyes somewhat hopeful that I deny it but at the same time scared that I might admit it. I don't want to lie to him, I want to tell him everything and tell him I'm sorry for what's been happening to him. But I couldn't find the right words to start what I wanted to say, I couldn't make a sound and tell him that I shouldn't have done it.
"Jinki," his tone became pleading, his sobs once again becoming cries. His eyes kept blinking with how his tears just kept flowing from his eyes.
"It's true," I replied weakly. Ever since from seeing I haven't taken my eyes off of him, but seeing him looking at me with earnest and my failing resistance I had to look away. "I did give you up."
His eyes widen from my reply, his hands limply hanging by his side as he stood there. “If I asked you to take me back, will you? I’ll change for you if that’s what you want,” the way he said it came out almost like a breath that I wasn't even sure that I heard it right. Even so I decided to answer him.
“I can’t do that… No, I wouldn’t do that,” I replied.
"Why?" his voice kept getting lower that I had to make sure that I heard him right.
"Because you're a burden," when the words came out I saw him flinch. I knew how each word I say affects him, how each lie would make him hate me, and that's what I wanted. I want him to hate me so he can forget me faster and much easier. That way he'll be able to move on and have a better life than what I promised to give him when we were still together.
"Please don't say that..." he begged.
"You kept bringing me problems; all you do is depend on me; you can't stand up for yourself; you can't even protect yourself because you're just too weak..."
His scream interrupted me, and that's where I noticed that he had been telling me to stop I just didn't hear him. I've seen him cry before that I know that too much causes him to have difficulty in breathing. His knees buckled and gave out, his chest heaving as he tried to breath. What I've said was probably too much for him to take as he let himself slumped down on the freezing ground with his hands planted in front of him as support. "Please stop," I heard him say again.
"Kibum?" When I turned around I saw Jonghyun walking trying to look for his brother. He didn't see me under the tree, and I'm pretty sure that he didn't see Kibum either.
"I'm sorry," I murmured.
"Don't say that when you don't mean it," he replied.
Jonghyun kept calling his name, and when he saw me his eyes widen as he made his way over. "Kibum!" Kibum screamed a couple of times before his screams died down into groaning. I took a couple of steps backwards, trying not to make Jonghyun notice me and leave as quiet as possible.
When I looked beside me Kibum was there lying on his side struggling to breath. "Kibum-ah!" Jonghyun shook him repeatedly, taking him onto his lap to prevent him from lying on the snow. "You, what the hell did you to him?" he asked me. He took off his coat and draped it over Kibum’s body, covering him and I only remembered that he wasn’t wearing coat.
Instead of answering I left the two of them and went back to the company event. As soon as I came in, I was met by my father and dragged me to where his friends were and for the rest of the night I tried to forget what happened out there. I tried to keep up with the conversations about businesses and such, but knowing what I did out there to Kibum I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.
I knew for sure that my dad could sense that something was wrong with me, with how seemed out of it while talking to other people that my mind didn't even register most of the thing they said. Hours went by and I can still hear him pleading with me to stop from saying those things to him. His crying kept repeating inside my head that I thought I've gone crazy. It was stupid of me to act like that but if I didn't it'll only be harder for the both of us.
The moment I left him there with Jonghyun I've been saying sorry over and over again inside my head, hoping that fate will at least let him know how much I regret saying those words to him earlier, that I don't mean each of them except for the apology I gave him. But what's the use of apologizing when I've done the damage already? I can't turn back the time to undo what I did and take back my words; I wouldn't be able to replace the pain I've caused with every word that came out of mouth.
The only thing I can do is accept the fact that I've ended it for the both of us, no matter how painful and difficult it was. It's all over between Kibum and I, and it's the end of our love story.
A/N:
don't worry guys...
this is not the end of the story...
there's still more to come...
ayyyiee...
- immaLocket029
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