Chapter 21 pt. 1
Never AgainA/N:
hey guys it's me...
so here's another sad chappie...
i decided i wanted to - or at least try to - finish this fic so i kind of put off my other fics and focus on this one first...
now here you go, so better grab some tissues... :((
- immaLocket029
KIBUM'S POV
Three weeks earlier...
I've been spending my time like how I did months ago - school, painting, then home. The only difference was that I felt worse everyday even if I tried hard to focus on whatever I'm doing. Minho, who in the end eventually stopped asking me questions about what happened between me and "him", decided to accompany me silently everyday even though I can still feel that he wanted to ask with the way he would look at me.
I also noticed that he was spending more time with me than with his boyfriend, that at times I would see Taemin looking at us from afar and look away when our eyes met. I thought of asking Minho but considering I don't want to tell him anything he might not want the same with me. I feel like because of me they were drifting apart from each other. I feel like I've broken them apart and even made Minho feel it’s his responsibility to take care of me.
There was also a time where I noticed that Minho kept looking at his phone as if he waiting for something - and from what I can see he looked agitated almost - and I felt bad because I was keeping him away from Taemin. I've tried to tell him that I don't need him beside me, that he doesn't need to watch out for me, and that he didn't have to keep staying with me. But every time I push him away he just kept coming back to my side that in the end I gave up and just let him be.
When we're together, we don't talk. No words were said and we just let the silence dominate until we decide to go home. I stay in school until dusk while Minho stays behind for soccer practice. Jonghyun knows about what I do after my classes and sometimes he picks me up himself. I found out he knew who Minho is when I heard him talking on the phone with him. Jonghyun told me he first talked to Minho when I brought to the hospital, and since then he had asked Minho to take care of me and watch over me while we're at school.
Honesty speaking, it’s all because of Jonghyun that I was still able to control myself from destructing. I've been having this urge to do something to myself - later on I realized that it was self-harm - when I see a sharp object or anything that can hurt me. And considering I'm an artist, there are a lot of them around me whenever I'm working at the studio. There's no one to stop me when I'm working, I'm always alone, and for hours it was almost like a torture not to reach out and grab a scalpel and cut myself.
Sometimes it felt like it was calling me, like it was suddenly given a voice and a charm that made it inviting to look at and marvel on with how the blade would glisten because of the sunset outside the room. Even the scissors would grab my attention and stop me from doing any work. Almost every tools used by the teachers and students for sculpting has become the center of my attention when I'm working, and just before I could grab one my phone would ring, meaning that Jonghyun was already waiting for me at the school entrance or Minho would come inside calling my name.
It's been happening for days, each day always worse than the day before. I feel like dangerous objects would easily divert my attention away from what I wanted to do in the first place. At home, I especially tried to avoid the kitchen because the knives always attract me the most. They always get my attention as if they were screaming, telling me to pick them up and hurt myself. I guess it was a good thing I still have control over my mind and my body. But there's one thing I'm definitely sure of. Even the way I see myself in the mirror became different. It felt like as if I was looking at a different person – a stranger.
If I was to describe it, I felt like I've become a lunatic,
A psychopath,
I don't feel like I'm normal anymore. The way I think, the way I see things. It's not the same anymore. Even the way I feel the way it should. Sometimes I would feel angry all of a sudden, and then in a snap I would be in hysterics, crying until I calmed down. I've become so sensitive to everything around me that even wearing earplugs to block out every sound doesn't help me at all. Some words make me flinch, some make me mad, but some just completely affect me that I stopped functioning altogether.
I know Jonghyun have noticed it when there came a time where he was obviously choosing his words when he was talking to me, watching my reaction the whole time as his eyes stayed glued to me. I felt like I've become a whole different person but I was glad that he was helping me. Even though it shows that he was tired almost every night, he still comes to my room to see how I was doing. He's always careful about what to say to me, sometimes either sitting beside me on the floor or simply lying on my bed while watching me do school work, and end up leaving me with a gentle peck on the forehead saying good night.
He always ask me how my day went as soon as I came home from school, he would always give time just to talk to me even though I knew how much work he had to do. Even when I wasn't responding much to him he was still smiling whenever he talks to me. He always starts the conversation between us, and I guess it shows how much he was trying to cover up for all those times that we fought. It was entirely my fault and yet he's the one who’s making most - or all - the effort in rebuilding our relationship as brothers.
One night he said something about the company and a Christmas party. I wasn't listening that much but he said that I was also going with him. From what I know, no one in the company knows about who I am. As soon as Jonghyun mentioned it I tried to ignore the slight pain inside me. Why did he have to tell me that when it’s completely not my business? I don't care about the company, I've told him that before and I made it clear that I never want to have anything to do with it.
But it's like he pretended he didn't hear me when he kept talking about it. And then I heard him say something about me going as well with him because he didn't want to leave me alone at home since mom was also going. When he stopped talking for a little while, I gathered up all the courage I could muster and asked him, "Why do I have to be there? I'm not going to be alone here; the maids are here, ahjumma, the butlers, the drivers and the security guards. I don't have anything I could do there except stand and walk around."
Jonghyun didn’t answer immediately; he just sat there most probably choosing the right words to say. He cleared his throat first and for a couple of minutes he didn’t say anything. “Mom and I… we decided to introduce you to everyone there, you know, as part of the family,” he finally said.
My hand automatically gripped the pencil I was holding and since my back was facing, he wouldn’t be able to see how my expression changed. I guess that’s why it took him a while to say something. He knew that talking about anything related to that topic was sensitive for me, anything about our parents and their relationship with me enough to push me to the edge and stop me from doing anything for the rest of the day.
“What about Dad?” my teeth were clenched tightly, so tight my voice came out muffled.
“Mom already talked to him. We’ll introduce you to everyone, and if people became sceptical and ask Dad if it was true then he will assure them so you don’t have to worry about getting stuck with him the whole night.”
Even when he said that I still don’t see the point of why I need to go. No one knows about my existence as part of the family and even though that fact hurts, I’d rather choose that it stay that way. It doesn't matter to me if no one knows about me as a Kim or as Kim Youngwoon's son, because I've lived my entire life almost on my own. Just thinking about all those people knowing who I am, all of them looking at me for the first time, it already made me feel uncomfortable and scared of what they will think of me.
I can already see how they will look at me - their eyes scrutinizing me, moving up and down as they study my features; some of them looking at me with blank expressions, some looking with understanding as to why they are meeting me for the first time, and some looking with disbelief and doubt. And just like that sounds of murmuring, those people whispering as they started talking about me, eventually reached my ears.
“He's probably a bastard – an illegitimate child.”
Those two were the most probably they will think of the minute I was introduced to them. For twenty two years, I was hidden from the public's knowledge of course they'll think that way. It will take them a lot of convincing to believe that I'm a part of the family, a lot of explanation of why I was kept as a secret. Then my mind started wondering what my mother will say. I want to hear her explanation. I want to hear every word she will say of why they are only telling everyone about as her son.
Somehow I felt like it was partly my fault of why they decided not to tell them about me in the first place. The thought came out of nowhere, but strangely I felt like I did something wrong. But then there's a part of me that told me I was innocent. And the fact that no one even knew that my parents had another child somehow implied that they kept my birth a secret. So how was I at fault?
"Will you come?" Thankfully Jonghyun interrupted my thoughts, the very moment before I started arguing with myself and lost focus of our conversation. "If you want you can stay by my side the whole night. Mom also said if you don't want to stay beside her it’s alright. You can stay beside me if it'll make you comfortable at least."
"How are you going explain me to them? For sure they'll ask question about why I suddenly appeared, where I came from, or if I'm really related to any of you." I almost kept going as the words just kept coming out of my mouth because all the questions inside my head wanted to be answered all at the same time.
"Mom will take care of everything, Kibum. You don't have to worry about them asking questions because Mom will answer them. And please, don't think like that, alright? You are my brother, Kibum, we have the same parents, and we are completely related."
I heard the blankets ruffling behind me, and then my I felt Jonghyun's hand ruffle my hair before his footsteps indicated that he was leaving. I didn't realize that the lead on pencil already broke because of how I was pressing it against the paper, then just like my brain just focused on the tip of my pencil. If I do it hard enough, it can stab me, a part of me said. I felt the tiniest of smirks crept on my face as the corners of my lips curved upwards. There it goes again. Not long after it started, my suicidal self have been making me smile - or even make me feel ridiculed - whenever it comes up with thoughts of harming me.
My hand shook a couple of times, my fingers closing tighter around the pencil and I had to use my other hand to pry it off and drop it on the table. And just like before ever since it started, whenever it comes up my breathing would change and my hands would shake the feeling of wanting to reach out for the pencil or any sharp object that catches my attention always make my palms sweat. My heartbeat started pounding against my ears as it accelerated and I decided that it's time I stop for tonight.
Lying on my bed for minutes sometimes help me calm down, with my eyes closed and my body sprawled out I sometimes managed to regulate my breathing and clear out my thoughts. This time, it worked and I no longer think about stabbing myself with the pencil. Sometimes my thoughts were just so ridiculous that I ask myself where they come from. But no matter how ridiculous they are, they always affect me to an extent that it was hard for me to control myself.
There were even occasions where Jonghyun caught me looking at him while he opening a package with a cutter. My gaze was fixed on the small blade, but I don't think he found out it was the one I was looking at instead of him. Even when we're eating I kept glancing at the forks - or sometimes the knives - set out. Then the one time I finally I had it and confronted myself. The whole weekend I locked myself inside the bathroom in my room, because honesty speaking I think I think it's the safest place for me inside our house.
I've already broken the mirrors in the bathroom couple of days ago when I lost control of myself and threw a figurine and watched as it shattered to pieces in front of me. The anger I felt was incredible when I saw my reflection in the mirror. Jonghyun came soon after, but since the bathroom door was locked and it can only be unlocked from the inside he had to break the knob just to open it. When the door opened found me crying in the corner of the bathroom and when our eyes met I felt so embarrassed because of what I did. There was fear on his expression and he hurriedly went to my side trying to look for any injury. He didn't see anything and I heard him sigh and the fear was replaced by relief. Then I saw mom standing by the doorway with a hand covering , but even with that I can tell there were tears on her eyes.
Carefully, Jonghyun took me to his room and made me sit on his bed while he squatted down in front of me. I couldn’t’ meet his eyes because of shame, and the way he kept staring at me made me feel even worse. I knew he was worried about me, but knowing that it was because of me in the first place why he was looking at me that way. I felt so bad because of what I did that I heard myself apologizing repeatedly. “Kibum, what’s wrong?” he asked his voice soft and gentle as he took both of my hands and gave them a squeeze. "Please tell me."
"I... I don't know," I replied. It wasn't exactly the truth but it wasn't a lie either. I got mad and smashed the mirrors, but I don't know why I got mad just after seeing myself. "There's something wrong with me," I finally looked at him, "There's something wrong with me."
"Why'd you say that?"
"Haven't you noticed it? I'm not myself anymore. I'm not me anymore. I'm not normal. I'm not like how I used to be." I started sobbing but it didn't take long before I was fully crying in front of him, my head hung low and let the tears fall onto my lap.
"Don't say that okay? That's not true," he shushed me as he hugged me, his other hand rubbing my back and occasionally ruffling my hair soothingly. I hid my face against his chest and gripped his shirt. I must have fallen asleep afterwards when I woke up and found myself on his bed, his navy blue blankets covering me.
I couldn't look at anyone after that. I felt like they were all talking about me, thinking that I was insane for smashing the bathroom mirror then crying afterwards. Sometimes I even felt like the maids were staring and whispering about me whenever I walk around the house. I've been acting strangely, my behaviour erratic and unpredictable. I've changed so much that I don't even know what's really wrong with me or why I act like that sometimes.
The night for the Christmas party arrived and I felt scared. It was no surprise though because I always felt scared. But knowing that I will be introduced to hundreds of people was enough to make it difficult for me breath. On the way to the venue I kept trying to calm myself thinking of other things that used to help me relax. Since he was sitting beside I guess Jonghyun felt my restlessness when he scooted over closer and made me lean my head his shoulder. His ruffled my hair as I closed my eyes, slowly feeling my fear ebbing away.
I was thankful that Mom and Dad were using a different car and it helped me knowing that Jonghyun will be beside me the whole night. We arrived after our parents did and I can already see the guests inside the hall through the windows. The snow crunched beneath my feet when I stepped out, the cold wind whipping at my exposed skin. How is it possible that I didn't realize that it was winter already? Adding the fact that it’s almost Christmas and yet it felt like it was only couple of days ago when autumn started.
Jonghyun held my hand as we entered the room, and almost immediately everyone's eyes fell on me. It felt uncomfortable the way look at me that I decided to keep my eyes locked on the floor until we were beside Mom. The spotlight was directed towards us and I hid behind Jonghyun. I felt a hand on my back and I looked sideways to see that it was my mom, a small smile on her face. Not far from her, I saw Dad standing with some other men - probably business colleagues - and he had a blank expression on his face.
Mom started talking, Jonghyun held my hand tighter, and then the murmurs I was waiting for came. I kept my eyes closed, the murmuring quieted down a little and Mom started the explanation. "... You all heard that I was pregnant with my second child twenty two years ago, and then a rumour saying that I had a miscarriage came out. Originally, I wanted to clarify it but Youngwoon and I decided not to since people already believed it even without hearing the truth from us. So we carried on..." she swallowed and continued, "like a normal family."
The rest of her words just became a blur to me, each word she said sounded like slurs that I couldn't make out. Even when hiding behind Jonghyun it felt too warm as the spotlight stays on us. I could even feel the tiny beads of sweat forming on my forehead even though I was leaning on his back with my head hung low. "Kibum-ah," he whispered as he shook our hands together and tried to loosen my grip on him. "It's going to be okay, just trust me."
Slowly, I opened my eyes and felt blinded because of the bright lights directed at us. I breathed deeply few times and stepped to the side where people can finally see me. I didn't let go of Jonghyun's hand as I stood beside him. I looked up and saw that all of them were staring at me. It made me flinch and look away from their gazes, and one more time I tried to calm myself. I felt faint and if it wasn't for his hold on me I would have collapsed in front of everyone and embarrassed myself.
It was silent for quite sometime though I can still hear murmuring at the far end of the hall. I felt another hand on me and my mom started talking again. "Everyone, this is my second son, Kibum-ah." Her touch felt foreign to me, and even though I knew that she had touched me few times already - mostly when I wasn't awake or aware of her being beside me - I still couldn't grasp the sudden change with her. I've seen how she was trying to make up for the years when she ignored me just like how Jonghyun told me before, but I still wasn't ready to accept her yet as my mother.
My train of thought was interrupted when the whole room became filled with the sound of applause. It was too loud for my liking as the sound bounced against the walls and echoed. I looked around and saw them smiling at me warmly. They're all strangers to me, people I've seen for the first time and yet it seemed they were all welcoming me just like that. My gaze flickered to where Dad was and saw him talking to the people around him. He was nodding and there was small smile on his face - although it looked as if he was embarrassed or just being modest.
Then I felt myself getting tagged along as Jonghyun walked around the room, greeting the guests and introducing me to them once more. Turns out some of the guests already knew me, not as the second son but simply as the artist who will be exhibiting artworks along with the other students and teachers at the university. I didn't know a lot of people already knew about it when the exhibition is somewhere around June before the graduation.
"Jonghyun!" someone called and when Jonghyun and I turned around I saw someone who looked oddly familiar to me. He was probably the same age as Jonghyun and most likely someone with a position at Dad's company. "Hello," he said to me.
"Yonghwa," two of them greeted and for the briefest moment that Jonghyun let go of my hand I felt lost surrounded by a swarm of people. "I thought you couldn't make it tonight."
"I changed my mind. I kind of had a feeling that something’s going to happen tonight and look," he pointed at me, "I was right. And by the way, when I saw you walk in with Jonghyun earlier I already knew that I was right."
"What are you talking about?" Jonghyun asked with a confused smile on his face.
"I already had a suspicion that you have a brother, dude. I've been to your house so many times before and I've seen him a couple of times there already. At first I thought he was one of the ahjumma's son or maybe the driver's, but then I noticed he looked so much like President Kim that I suspected you have a brother that I don't know about."
We've met before? I guess that's why he looked familiar to me. I looked at Jonghyun afraid that he might get mad at me after knowing that his friend had seen me before. He saw me looking at him and he just smiled at me, once again ruffling my hair.
"I guess I should've told you earlier, huh?"
"Yeah, I mean dude, we've known each other since high school - how could you not tell me about having a brother?"
"Sorry." Both of them laughed and I felt out of place. Yonghwa was nice and surprisingly he didn't make me uncomfortable like how I thought it would be. Both of them stayed by my side most of the night as we walked around and talked to the guests. Well, they did most of the talking because even though I know everything about Dad's business I just feel comfortable talking about it with other people. They asked me different questions - about what I do, what school I go to, and then of course the exhibit. I tried to answer them as best as I could while wearing a fake forced smile hoping they wouldn't see how anxious I was.
A/N:
part 2 is next...
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