Chapter 24 pt. 2
Never AgainBut as he walked through the grey carpeted hallway of their company building, he decided to do the opposite. He had been considering it for nights until eventually he made up his mind with reasons he forced himself to comply. He was hurting himself each step he took and even though he had more time to turn back, it was as if his body stopped listening to him altogether as his feet brought him closer towards his destination. Even when he stopped in front of a dark mahogany door, he still had time to turn around and return to his office yet his hands moved on their own and knocked against the wood.
"Come in," the faint sound of his father's voice from inside the room reached his ears.
Jinki opened the door, walked in, and closed the door behind him. His eyes met his father's careful yet surprised gaze and started walking towards Taejin's desk with heavy footsteps, his mind telling him that there was still a chance to back out. But as he stopped in front of his father, words left his mouth before he could even properly think. "I want a transfer," he said, the tone in his voice void of any emotion.
Taejin stopped writing after hearing what his son had said, letting go of his fountain pen and leaned back on his chair, his eyes that used to be cautious when his son walked in turned scrutinizing. "A transfer? Why do you suddenly want a transfer?" He saw how his son's hand clenched to a fist yet his expression was bleak.
"Does it really matter to you what the reason is? We both know that as long as I'm far away from here, you'll be contented - you'll be satisfied and peaceful that I'm no longer on the same grounds as Kibum."
"I see, I see. So it is about Kibum." Jinki was certain that his father mocked him with how he sounded, obviously amused that he ended up deciding to leave. "Where do you want to be transferred then?"
"Anywhere as long as it's outside the country," Jinki replied, the anger within him slowly resurfacing. He hated the fact that he chose to leave. But most of all, he hated the fact that he was letting his father - the man who caused the pain he's going through, his misery - see that he wasn't strong enough to endure all of it. That he wasn’t strong enough to resist the strong temptation of running to where Kibum was, to get through each day without thinking of him, and to ignore the fact that he can throw and leave everything behind him and fight back.
"Very well, then. I'll notify the HR Department about your transfer. I'll arrange everything where you'll be going and when you'll be leaving." Jinki only closed his eyes in defeat as he started to leave the room without another word. But after just a step, his father continued. "Just because you've made this decision it does not necessarily mean that you can do whatever you want. So I'm going to make this one thing clear to you, Jinki: Once everything is settled, once you've step foot inside that plane, you are prohibited to return without my permission. You are not allowed to come back to this country without me letting you to do so."
What his father told him made Jinki infuriated, though as much as he wanted to scream he chose to keep it in. "Fine, but I want to say something as well." He turned around and looked at his father straight in the eyes. "As soon as I walk out of this room, the second my feet touches the floor, I'm no longer your son. I'm cutting family ties with you and even though we share the same blood, I don't want to be related to you or to your wife any more. I'm taking myself out of the family registry before I leave, and once I’m done, I'll be just an employee to you."
"You can't be serious, Jinki," Taejin said, standing up from his seat and walked towards his son. "Do you even hear yourself? Do you even know what you're saying right now? You're throwing everything away - your family, your life, everything - just because of that boy?"
"All those things doesn't matter anymore, Dad. Everything was ruined when you and Kim Youngwoon forcefully broke us apart. Do you think all of this matter to me?" Jinki pointed towards where he was standing, the volume of his voice increasing as his anger slowly starts to resurface. "They don't, all of this is nothing compared to how much Kibum matters to me. For me, I'll be fine living without money or anything that I have right now as long as I’m with him. I'd rather live in the suburbs earning a small amount of money. I'd rather work in the dirt instead of being here. I'd rather live a hard life with Kibum than live in prosper without him."
"Jinki-ah, look at me properly," Taejin placed his hands on his son's neck just below his jaw making him look at him. "You are the heir to this company and you will take over when I'm old enough to keep going. You're just being like this because you're still hurt but trust me it'll be over if you tried. There's no such thing as being together forever and there's absolutely no such thing as true love. The only way you'll survive is through money and power. Without those things no one's going to make it through. He is not worth it, Jinki. Don't waste your life because of him. Think about the company and the thousands of lives who will be depending on you when the time comes."
"Kibum is worth way more than all of those things, more than you could imagine. And true love? How would you know about true love when you haven't truly experienced if yourself? Do you think I don't know about you and Mom? Do you think that I don't know that you only married her so you won't have to marry the girl your parents set up for you? Even after all these years, you only thought of Mom as a friend. You still haven't learned how to love her yet because to you, your wife is the company and your children is your job. You've been so obsessed with work that couldn't even spend some time with your own family properly. But with Kibum, l learned to love him in just days and after just a few months he's become my life. That's our difference, Dad. I cherish the people around me especially those who made impact and change in my life. Kibum didn't only do that, he changed my whole being and made me get rid of who is used to be. I used to look up to you and admire you but now, I don't even know what made me like that in the first place. I don't care about all of those things, Dad. I don't care about the company. If you want an heir, give it to Taemin or to someone else because either way, I don't care who you give it to."
Jinki shoved his father's hands away from him and walked out of the room without any hesitation despite his father's desperate calls, setting his foot onto the carpet and remembering what he just said. I'm not his son anymore. From now on it's going to be just me, he thought. He headed towards his office and locked the door not wanting anyone to disturb him. He looked around him and thought of the things he had to do just to make it that far. As a child, he promised himself that he will study hard so he can be successful like his father. As an adult, he wanted to have a family where he will spend his lifetime with. But as a person, none of those things mattered when the person he wanted to be with is not with him - will never be with him.
For the past thirty minutes, someone had been knocking on his door stopping for a couple of minutes only to resume knocking until it stopped altogether. He didn't care whoever it was that was trying to disturb him; all he wanted was to be left alone. He thought of doing leaving the office early despite the amount of work piled up on his desk, stacked of folders and papers that he needed to go through and check documents that had to be finished. So many things were going through his mind all at once that made him feel so conflicted and frustrated.
He had been packing some of his things, some he thought would be better thrown away and some things he would rather keep especially the ring he thought of giving to him. Jinki knew the ring was already useless since the owner of it was gone, but despite the fact that they were no longer together he just couldn't let it go. He felt like he still had to keep it even when their relationship was over. Jinki stared at the velvet box and pondered, letting the time pass by before deciding.
In the end, he placed the small box together with the things he was going to keep, promising himself that someday, he will be able to move on and give the ring to someone else, someone he's going to love and forget the true owner of the ring. He didn't notice that he had already packed more than half of his office, only the furniture and his previous paper works remaining. He only left the things he will use until his father told him he can go, until the day he can finally leave and give himself a favour to finally let go. "I have to let go," he thought. "I have to not just for him, but for myself as well."
The night was about to end yet Jinki felt as if time seemed to have passed by without him noticing. When he looked at his watch he saw that more than an hour has already passed the time employees usually start leaving the office. He stood up from his chair and organized the scattered papers and folders in his desk into a neat pile, grabbing his things with him as he walked towards the door of his office. Most of the lights inside the offices and cubicles have been turned off except for one at the very end of the hallway opposite the direction where the elevator is. Jinki thought he was the only one left on that floor where most of the executives' offices are. So when made his way over, he saw his cousin still working inside the room.
"Why are you still here?" He asked, stepping inside the room and walked towards the desk.
"Uncle told me what happened," Joon said, looking up Jinki with a stern look on his face. "Did you really decide on doing that?"
"Yes," Jinki replied without a second thought, returning the latter's gaze just as stern.
"Why are you being like this? Seriously. You're putting everything on the line here, you know. And cutting ties with the family? What good will your decisions bring you, Jinki? Freedom? Do you honestly think he's worth it?"
"He's worth anything, Joon. He..."
"Fine, so he's worth it," Joon cut him off. "But what do you think he'll say if he's here right now, Jinki? What do you think he'll feel if he finds out you gave up everything - your work, your family, everything - just because you're hurting? Have you ever thought about that? If you're really doing this because of him, you would've considered him. Now, I know I made it clear that I'm upset when I found out who he was but, I know what kind person he was when I got to know him. I know he cares about you more than anything, even the things that are important to you meant a lot to him. So when he finds out you threw away everything, how do you think he'll feel? He'll probably even blame himself because if things didn't end between the two of you, you'll still have everything."
Jinki stood there almost stunned after what Joon told him. But as seconds ticked by only his anger got the best of him. "Don't use Kibum against me. You only know what you heard, Joon. You never saw the things that really happened. You think I'm being like this because I'm hurt? That I'm upset that he's not with me anymore? No. I'm being like this because I thought the people who I can trust turns out to be the ones who are actually tearing me apart. It's all because of Dad why I'm being like this, Joon. Kibum didn't do anything."
Joon looked at his younger cousin and stood up, heaving a deep sigh. "Okay so tell me what happened then, you’ve been telling me that ever since this started. You said that everything was Uncle's fault but you never said how. So tell me exactly what happened because I want to know, Jinki. If you don't want me to say things that aren't even true then tell me. I want to help you, bro, I don't like seeing you like this."
Both of them decided to leave the building just an hour before midnight, but instead of going to their houses they went somewhere else. As Joon stopped the car beside the river, Jinki got off without a word and staggeringly wandered through the narrow dirt path. Seeing his cousin so broken made Joon feel empathetic. He never thought that the man he admired so much ever since he was young to be such a horrid person. He only knew that the companies where rivals, but to the extent that people's lives were endangered, it was not something he imagined ever in his life. Now that he knew what happened, Joon don't know how he could still think the same about his uncle.
Flashback
"Come in," the faint sound of his father's voice from inside the room reached his ears.
Jinki opened the door, walked in, and closed the door behind him. His eyes met his father's careful yet surprised gaze and started walking towards Taejin's desk with heavy footsteps, his mind telling him that there was still a chance to back out. But as he stopped in front of his father, words left his mouth before he could even properly think. "I want a transfer," he said, the tone in his voice void of any emotion.
Taejin stopped writing after hearing what his son had said, letting go of his fountain pen and leaned back on his chair, his eyes that used to be cautious when his son walked in turned scrutinizing. "A transfer? Why do you suddenly want a transfer?" He saw how his son's hand clenched to a fist yet his expression was bleak.
"Does it really matter to you what the reason is? We both know that as long as I'm far away from here, you'll be contented - you'll be satisfied and peaceful that I'm no longer on the same grounds as Kibum."
"I see, I see. So it is about Kibum." Jinki was certain that his father mocked him with how he sounded, obviously amused that he ended up deciding to leave. "Where do you want to be transferred then?"
"Anywhere as long as it's outside the country," Jinki replied, the anger within him slowly resurfacing. He hated the fact that he chose to leave. But most of all, he hated the fact that he was letting his father - the man who caused the pain he's going through, his misery - see that he wasn't strong enough to endure all of it. That he wasn’t strong enough to resist the strong temptation of running to where Kibum was, to get through each day without thinking of him, and to ignore the fact that he can throw and leave everything behind him and fight back.
"Very well, then. I'll notify the HR Department about your transfer. I'll arrange everything where you'll be going and when you'll be leaving." Jinki only closed his eyes in defeat as he started to leave the room without another word. But after just a step, his father continued. "Just because you've made this decision it does not necessarily mean that you can do whatever you want. So I'm going to make this one thing clear to you, Jinki: Once everything is settled, once you've step foot inside that plane, you are prohibited to return without my permission. You are not allowed to come back to this country without me letting you to do so."
What his father told him made Jinki infuriated, though as much as he wanted to scream he chose to keep it in. "Fine, but I want to say something as well." He turned around and looked at his father straight in the eyes. "As soon as I walk out of this room, the second my feet touches the floor, I'm no longer your son. I'm cutting family ties with you and even though we share the same blood, I don't want to be related to you or to your wife any more. I'm taking myself out of the family registry before I leave, and once I’m done, I'll be just an employee to you."
"You can't be serious, Jinki," Taejin said, standing up from his seat and walked towards his son. "Do you even hear yourself? Do you even know what you're saying right now? You're throwing everything away - your family, your life, everything - just because of that boy?"
"All those things doesn't matter anymore, Dad. Everything was ruined when you and Kim Youngwoon forcefully broke us apart. Do you think all of this matter to me?" Jinki pointed towards where he was standing, the volume of his voice increasing as his anger slowly starts to resurface. "They don't, all of this is nothing compared to how much Kibum matters to me. For me, I'll be fine living without money or anything that I have right now as long as I’m with him. I'd rather live in the suburbs earning a small amount of money. I'd rather work in the dirt instead of being here. I'd rather live a hard life with Kibum than live in prosper without him."
"Jinki-ah, look at me properly," Taejin placed his hands on his son's neck just below his jaw making him look at him. "You are the heir to this company and you will take over when I'm old enough to keep going. You're just being like this because you're still hurt but trust me it'll be over if you tried. There's no such thing as being together forever and there's absolutely no such thing as true love. The only way you'll survive is through money and power. Without those things no one's going to make it through. He is not worth it, Jinki. Don't waste your life because of him. Think about the company and the thousands of lives who will be depending on you when the time comes."
"Kibum is worth way more than all of those things, more than you could imagine. And true love? How would you know about true love when you haven't truly experienced if yourself? Do you think I don't know about you and Mom? Do you think that I don't know that you only married her so you won't have to marry the girl your parents set up for you? Even after all these years, you only thought of Mom as a friend. You still haven't learned how to love her yet because to you, your wife is the company and your children is your job. You've been so obsessed with work that couldn't even spend some time with your own family properly. But with Kibum, l learned to love him in just days and after just a few months he's become my life. That's our difference, Dad. I cherish the people around me especially those who made impact and change in my life. Kibum didn't only do that, he changed my whole being and made me get rid of who is used to be. I used to look up to you and admire you but now, I don't even know what made me like that in the first place. I don't care about all of those things, Dad. I don't care about the company. If you want an heir, give it to Taemin or to someone else because either way, I don't care who you give it to."
Jinki shoved his father's hands away from him and walked out of the room without any hesitation despite his father's desperate calls, setting his foot onto the carpet and remembering what he just said. I'm not his son anymore. From now on it's going to be just me, he thought. He headed towards his office and locked the door not wanting anyone to disturb him. He looked around him and thought of the things he had to do just to make it that far. As a child, he promised himself that he will study hard so he can be successful like his father. As an adult, he wanted to have a family where he will spend his lifetime with. But as a person, none of those things mattered when the person he wanted to be with is not with him - will never be with him.
For the past thirty minutes, someone had been knocking on his door stopping for a couple of minutes only to resume knocking until it stopped altogether. He didn't care whoever it was that was trying to disturb him; all he wanted was to be left alone. He thought of doing leaving the office early despite the amount of work piled up on his desk, stacked of folders and papers that he needed to go through and check documents that had to be finished. So many things were going through his mind all at once that made him feel so conflicted and frustrated.
He had been packing some of his things, some he thought would be better thrown away and some things he would rather keep especially the ring he thought of giving to him. Jinki knew the ring was already useless since the owner of it was gone, but despite the fact that they were no longer together he just couldn't let it go. He felt like he still had to keep it even when their relationship was over. Jinki stared at the velvet box and pondered, letting the time pass by before deciding.
In the end, he placed the small box together with the things he was going to keep, promising himself that someday, he will be able to move on and give the ring to someone else, someone he's going to love and forget the true owner of the ring. He didn't notice that he had already packed more than half of his office, only the furniture and his previous paper works remaining. He only left the things he will use until his father told him he can go, until the day he can finally leave and give himself a favour to finally let go. "I have to let go," he thought. "I have to not just for him, but for myself as well."
The night was about to end yet Jinki felt as if time seemed to have passed by without him noticing. When he looked at his watch he saw that more than an hour has already passed the time employees usually start leaving the office. He stood up from his chair and organized the scattered papers and folders in his desk into a neat pile, grabbing his things with him as he walked towards the door of his office. Most of the lights inside the offices and cubicles have been turned off except for one at the very end of the hallway opposite the direction where the elevator is. Jinki thought he was the only one left on that floor where most of the executives' offices are. So when made his way over, he saw his cousin still working inside the room.
"Why are you still here?" He asked, stepping inside the room and walked towards the desk.
"Uncle told me what happened," Joon said, looking up Jinki with a stern look on his face. "Did you really decide on doing that?"
"Yes," Jinki replied without a second thought, returning the latter's gaze just as stern.
"Why are you being like this? Seriously. You're putting everything on the line here, you know. And cutting ties with the family? What good will your decisions bring you, Jinki? Freedom? Do you honestly think he's worth it?"
"He's worth anything, Joon. He..."
"Fine, so he's worth it," Joon cut him off. "But what do you think he'll say if he's here right now, Jinki? What do you think he'll feel if he finds out you gave up everything - your work, your family, everything - just because you're hurting? Have you ever thought about that? If you're really doing this because of him, you would've considered him. Now, I know I made it clear that I'm upset when I found out who he was but, I know what kind person he was when I got to know him. I know he cares about you more than anything, even the things that are important to you meant a lot to him. So when he finds out you threw away everything, how do you think he'll feel? He'll probably even blame himself because if things didn't end between the two of you, you'll still have everything."
Jinki stood there almost stunned after what Joon told him. But as seconds ticked by only his anger got the best of him. "Don't use Kibum against me. You only know what you heard, Joon. You never saw the things that really happened. You think I'm being like this because I'm hurt? That I'm upset that he's not with me anymore? No. I'm being like this because I thought the people who I can trust turns out to be the ones who are actually tearing me apart. It's all because of Dad why I'm being like this, Joon. Kibum didn't do anything."
Joon looked at his younger cousin and stood up, heaving a deep sigh. "Okay so tell me what happened then, you’ve been telling me that ever since this started. You said that everything was Uncle's fault but you never said how. So tell me exactly what happened because I want to know, Jinki. If you don't want me to say things that aren't even true then tell me. I want to help you, bro, I don't like seeing you like this."
Both of them decided to leave the building just an hour before midnight, but instead of going to their houses they went somewhere else. As Joon stopped the car beside the river, Jinki got off without a word and staggeringly wandered through the narrow dirt path. Seeing his cousin so broken made Joon feel empathetic. He never thought that the man he admired so much ever since he was young to be such a horrid person. He only knew that the companies where rivals, but to the extent that people's lives were endangered, it was not something he imagined ever in his life. Now that he knew what happened, Joon don't know how he could still think the same about his uncle.
Flashback
Jinki slumped back on the floor against the wooden desk despondently, feeling the tears he didn't realize forming to fall. Joon grabbed a bottle of brandy from the cupboard against the wall and took the space next to him, sitting down on the floor as well but said nothing as he waited for his cousin to start. Even if he was older than Jinki by a couple of years, the two of them had bonded and created a brotherly relationship as if they were the same age, always playing and fooling around with one another. Despite them being busy with work, Joon have always thought of his cousin as a cheerful person. But seeing him so crestfallen and hurt, he didn't know what to do except be silent and listen to what the latter has to say.
"I've known all along who Kibum was," Jinki started his voice audible enough to resonate throughout the silent room. "But I was too in love with him to care about those things that I just let it go. For months I tried to protect him, I tried to make him safe from everyone watching us - those who I knew were people that Mr. Kim sent to investigate. I thought I was just protecting Kibum from his Dad, but I never thought I'd have to protect him my own father as well."
"What do you mean?" Joon asked, looking at his cousin confusedly.
"Dad and Mr. Kim worked together to separate me and Kibum. I don't know when, I don't know how. But they did. Dad tricked us, casually saying that he wanted to have dinner. I thought nothing about it because I didn't back then what he was planning to do so we agreed. When the day came I was nervous - anxious - and then when Dad told me that Kibum was already on his way there, I just felt even worse. Then when I arrived that's when I finally saw everything. Kibum was tied up, bound, and beaten up while Dad and Mr. Kim were sitting there as if everything was normal. Both of them conspired to separate us..."
Joon gave the bottle to Jinki and without any hesitation he opened it and drank, taking big gulps of the golden liquid ignoring the burning sensation on his throat even the small amount of it trickling from the corners of his mouth. His hand clutched onto his chest, pounding repeatedly as he cried out. It has been weeks since all of it happened but to Jinki, everything was still crystal clear. He can see every single thing that happened, hear each word that was said, and even feel the pain inflicted upon him. All of it was just memories, yet they were too surreal for him that he couldn't take the fact that it did happen.
"Uncle... He really did that?"
"Each time I see him, I just want to hit him as hard as I can. Each day I kept refraining myself from exploding but I've reached my limit. I... I can't stay here anymore. Knowing that he's nearby, that each day there's a possibility of Kibum and I running onto each other on the streets, I can't bear it anymore."
"Then why don't you go back to him? It's obvious that you can't live without him, so why are you leaving instead of going back to him?"
"Because I can't!" Jinki cried out, throwing the bottle across the room sending shards of glass and the liquid all over the floor. "They already hurt him, Joon. If I take him back I know they'll hurt him even more. I'd rather leave than see him in pain, Joon. I don't care if I'm hurting, if I have to sacrifice everything then I would. Just for him."
End of flashback
Joon knew that taking his cousin back to the mansion won't help at all, and even though almost no one is at sight the two of them stayed by the river and sat down on a bench. Neither of them cared about cold winter night, the feeling of the icy wind blowing around them helping them to clear their minds. Their whole surrounding was quiet, few cars passing through the bridge that crosses the river and the city lights shining on the other side. "Are you sober now?" Joon asked carefully as he looked at his cousin.
"I don't know, maybe," Jinki replied, his voice hoarse. He breathed in and out and let the cold aid enter his lungs, but as it helps him sober up all the emotions that disappeared was once again resurfacing. "I miss him, Joon," he began. "The first week after we got separated, everything was so hard. Each day, Taemin and I would end up fighting and screaming at each other because he kept telling me things about Kibum that Minho told him even when I told him numerous times that I didn't want to hear it - things I didn't want to hear, and even things I feared to happen. Then he told me that Kibum..." Jinki had to pause in order to swallow the lump that formed in his throat with thoughts of Kibum. "He said Kibum was thinking about suicide mindlessly, that he's changed so much after we separated."
"Everyone goes through a hard time after a break up, Jinks. Most of them think about committing suicide, it's practically the first thing that comes to mind to anyone who just had a break up. I'm sure he'll get over it eventually, he..."
"No," Jinki interrupted. "I saw him a few nights ago and I know something's not right with him, Joon. The way he looked he looked at me, how he talked, I've tried not to think about it I feel like there's more to what Taemin told me. I... I'm scared but I can't do anything about it..."
"When did you see Kibum again? How?" Joon couldn't the surprise in his voice as he looked at his cousin with wide eyes. "Does Uncle know about it?"
"Of course he doesn't," Jinki replied, a short forced laugh escaping his mouth. "I'd be an idiot if I told him about it. But since I've become like this maybe I really am one."
"How'd you two saw each other again?"
"At the company Christmas event," Jinki started, taking a deep breath and felt the cold air filling his lungs. "I went outside for a while to take a break and somehow I just kept walking towards the parking lot. Then I saw him under the trees sitting on the ground. He looked so different, Joon. He's changed so much that maybe Taemin was right. Maybe Kibum had already tried to commit suicide, and I even wondered if he was out there in the cold waiting for something to happen to him. When I saw him, stopping myself from reaching out to him was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I restrained myself from wanting to hold him again, to have him in my arms.
"When he looked at me and I saw him crying, I felt myself breaking up. But instead of showing him what I really feel I acted like a ing bastard to him. I lied to him, told him things that aren't true and even opposite of what I really wanted to say. He wanted me to take him back but instead I only lied to him. I told him the harshest things I could ever think of and even when he was begging me to stop I kept going. I figured the only way he'll forget about me was if I make him mad at me, that if he only felt anger towards me it'll be easier for him to move on. Even when I saw him collapse in front of me I restrained from moving, letting myself see him groaning in pain. Even until now I can still see him like that; I can hear him begging as if he was right in front of me. I'm suffering each day, Joon. If I don't leave I'll go insane."
Joon saw how Jinki's tears flowed from his eyes the pain and sadness coming from the latter greatly affecting him as if he was able to feel it for himself. He wished he could do something for him, to help his cousin get through the terrible heartache. He could feel Jinki's pain and now that he knew what happened he can only keep silent and accept the feeling of remorse for assuming things on his own. Despite the two of them being close, Joon reluctantly placed a hand on Jinki's shoulder and tried to comfort him. "Why don't you go see him at least before you leave? You know, see for yourself if he's doing well so you won't have to think of him trying to kill himself. If he's alright then that should lessen the weight on your shoulders, you wouldn't have to worry about him."
"But what if it's true? How am I supposed to leave knowing that he... that he's trying..." Jinki trailed off as he looked up at Joon briefly before closing his eyes and bowed down.
"Look," Joon said and hesitantly Jinki looked up, waiting to see what the latter was going to say next. "You have options here, Jinks: you can go or stay; you can go see him or not; you can move on and forget or keep on torturing yourself by constantly thinking about him. If he's doing well or not, it's up to you whether you want to leave or stay because it's your decision; not anyone else's, not mine, not even Uncle's - it's yours and yours alone. When Uncle told me you were planning on leaving, initially I wanted to make you change your mind. But after what you told me I realize just who am I to do that to you?"
Joon knew that taking his cousin back to the mansion won't help at all, and even though almost no one is at sight the two of them stayed by the river and sat down on a bench. Neither of them cared about cold winter night, the feeling of the icy wind blowing around them helping them to clear their minds. Their whole surrounding was quiet, few cars passing through the bridge that crosses the river and the city lights shining on the other side. "Are you sober now?" Joon asked carefully as he looked at his cousin.
"I don't know, maybe," Jinki replied, his voice hoarse. He breathed in and out and let the cold aid enter his lungs, but as it helps him sober up all the emotions that disappeared was once again resurfacing. "I miss him, Joon," he began. "The first week after we got separated, everything was so hard. Each day, Taemin and I would end up fighting and screaming at each other because he kept telling me things about Kibum that Minho told him even when I told him numerous times that I didn't want to hear it - things I didn't want to hear, and even things I feared to happen. Then he told me that Kibum..." Jinki had to pause in order to swallow the lump that formed in his throat with thoughts of Kibum. "He said Kibum was thinking about suicide mindlessly, that he's changed so much after we separated."
"Everyone goes through a hard time after a break up, Jinks. Most of them think about committing suicide, it's practically the first thing that comes to mind to anyone who just had a break up. I'm sure he'll get over it eventually, he..."
"No," Jinki interrupted. "I saw him a few nights ago and I know something's not right with him, Joon. The way he looked he looked at me, how he talked, I've tried not to think about it I feel like there's more to what Taemin told me. I... I'm scared but I can't do anything about it..."
"When did you see Kibum again? How?" Joon couldn't the surprise in his voice as he looked at his cousin with wide eyes. "Does Uncle know about it?"
"Of course he doesn't," Jinki replied, a short forced laugh escaping his mouth. "I'd be an idiot if I told him about it. But since I've become like this maybe I really am one."
"How'd you two saw each other again?"
"At the company Christmas event," Jinki started, taking a deep breath and felt the cold air filling his lungs. "I went outside for a while to take a break and somehow I just kept walking towards the parking lot. Then I saw him under the trees sitting on the ground. He looked so different, Joon. He's changed so much that maybe Taemin was right. Maybe Kibum had already tried to commit suicide, and I even wondered if he was out there in the cold waiting for something to happen to him. When I saw him, stopping myself from reaching out to him was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I restrained myself from wanting to hold him again, to have him in my arms.
"When he looked at me and I saw him crying, I felt myself breaking up. But instead of showing him what I really feel I acted like a ing bastard to him. I lied to him, told him things that aren't true and even opposite of what I really wanted to say. He wanted me to take him back but instead I only lied to him. I told him the harshest things I could ever think of and even when he was begging me to stop I kept going. I figured the only way he'll forget about me was if I make him mad at me, that if he only felt anger towards me it'll be easier for him to move on. Even when I saw him collapse in front of me I restrained from moving, letting myself see him groaning in pain. Even until now I can still see him like that; I can hear him begging as if he was right in front of me. I'm suffering each day, Joon. If I don't leave I'll go insane."
Joon saw how Jinki's tears flowed from his eyes the pain and sadness coming from the latter greatly affecting him as if he was able to feel it for himself. He wished he could do something for him, to help his cousin get through the terrible heartache. He could feel Jinki's pain and now that he knew what happened he can only keep silent and accept the feeling of remorse for assuming things on his own. Despite the two of them being close, Joon reluctantly placed a hand on Jinki's shoulder and tried to comfort him. "Why don't you go see him at least before you leave? You know, see for yourself if he's doing well so you won't have to think of him trying to kill himself. If he's alright then that should lessen the weight on your shoulders, you wouldn't have to worry about him."
"But what if it's true? How am I supposed to leave knowing that he... that he's trying..." Jinki trailed off as he looked up at Joon briefly before closing his eyes and bowed down.
"Look," Joon said and hesitantly Jinki looked up, waiting to see what the latter was going to say next. "You have options here, Jinks: you can go or stay; you can go see him or not; you can move on and forget or keep on torturing yourself by constantly thinking about him. If he's doing well or not, it's up to you whether you want to leave or stay because it's your decision; not anyone else's, not mine, not even Uncle's - it's yours and yours alone. When Uncle told me you were planning on leaving, initially I wanted to make you change your mind. But after what you told me I realize just who am I to do that to you?"
Jinki looked at his cousin trying to look for something that will help him decide what he should do. He thought he already made his decision, but after what Joon told him everything just fell apart. He doesn't even know what to do anymore, his mind and heart wanting different things making everything even more complicated than they already were.
A/N:
i'm going to be honest with you guys...
yesterday when i looked at my email (because i was rewriting this whole chap as an email now and i've been saving it as a draft), i found out that the chapter i struggled rewrting because i have to recall just what i wrote was gone... it wasn't in the trash, it wasn't sent, and it wasn't on my notes either (on my ipod) IT WAS JUST GONE and i had no idea what the ing hell happened (sorry for the f-word, btw, i was frustrated) for the second time I lost the chap for this fic like what the hell is wrong with me??
so i thought of looking through my back ups for my ipod and then BAM!! it was there - all of the chapters for my fics, all of them in their most recent versions because the back up date was the day before i lost them... and i was so happy to see them... and even though i lost what i rewrote i'm still thankful that i was able to retrieve this old version and update just for you guys (same thing goes for my readers for "ILLUMINATION") because that's how much i love all of you *aww, how cheesy XD*
anywho, hopefully you guys enjoyed this chapter (at least i hope you did because damn, this chap is just depressing, right??
i guess this is it for now... until the next update...
- immaLocket029
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