Chapter 18
Never AgainA/N:
eii guys... here's another update for y'all...
you guys might start to hate me after this... just saying... >_<
- immaLocket029
JINKI'S POV
The moment my eyes fluttered open, the realization that hit me was too intense that I felt drained and empty to even bother getting up. My old room was what came into my sight, some of my things placed not far from my bed and I just couldn't help but think why I let this happen. I didn't even get to tell Kibum that I love him for the last time. I didn't even get to hold him in my arms and tell him that I was sorry for doing this to us. I was only able to see him be taken away from me right before my eyes and hope that somehow we'll both get through this even if we're not together.
The moment my eyes fluttered open, the realization that hit me was too intense that I felt drained and empty to even bother getting up. My old room was what came into my sight, some of my things placed not far from my bed and I just couldn't help but think why I let this happen. I didn't even get to tell Kibum that I love him for the last time. I didn't even get to hold him in my arms and tell him that I was sorry for doing this to us. I was only able to see him be taken away from me right before my eyes and hope that somehow we'll both get through this even if we're not together.
Pain flooded over me, bringing me to tears and for some reason it felt like as if the whole world came crashing down on me. I miss him - everything about and everything we do together. Waking up beside him, being able to touch and feel him, even hearing his cute light snores and seeing him cuddled up beside me. Now I won't be able to do those things anymore because I let him go. I was too stupid for not even trying to do something at least, not trying think of something before our time ran out. I already knew that sooner or later we'd face an obstacle but I chose to pretend that everything will be fine.
It hurts to think that I may not see him again and I can only hope the best for him. Now back at work, it seemed that everything around me were all meaningless things. It almost felt the same when my previous relationship ended badly and I kept having the urge to do those things I did to forget the pain. I never thought that I would be like that again because truthfully, I never thought that I'd be able to love like this or even get hurt again. It took me almost everything to stop myself from getting worse, drowning myself in nothing but alcohol and work almost everyday.
Whatever I do, wherever and whenever, there would always be a bottle of liquor near me. And by the time night came, I was too drunk that I couldn't even stand up properly or remember what happened after. Taemin had a hard time controlling me back then, and I remember punching him once square in the jaw by accident when he tried to stop me. He hit me back and as I stumbled backwards I finally realized that I'm wasting myself over something stupid and useless. He managed to get me fix myself and start over, straightening my acts and get it together.
Sometimes it was still inevitable that I remember the heartbreak, but it got easier eventually that it doesn't bother me anymore at all. Whenever I think about it, there's nothing at all. But now, it felt like the pain was much worse than what I felt before. I guess it was like that since Kibum had been someone different compared to Sunyoung. He was much better - definitely the greatest person that I've ever met - but as they say, even if you've met what you think was the right one for you there will come a time where you'll going to have to let them go.
It was already days since the last time I saw him and each day I had to keep myself composed in fear that I might lose it. Each day kept getting harder and harder for me. I would find myself staring blankly at nothing, hearing nothing and doing nothing. But what made it worse for me is the fact that every time I'm home I would see my dad. My hatred for him just keeps increasing whenever he acted like nothing's wrong when there is. I would even see my mom giving me disappointed looks whenever we're at the dinner table. There even came a time where my parents were telling Taemin not to talk to Kibum ever again.
I know it was a hard for him too, considering they've been friends for years and Taemin was really fond of Kibum. I saw my brother become so frustrated for what our parents are doing to us. How unfair and stupid this feud between my family and Kibum's is and how Taemin's friendship with him got affected. When Taemin came home from school one time, he told me how he and Kibum locked gaze with each other, how hard he tried not to run to him and hug him, and how Kibum looked so forlorn whenever he see him.
I wanted to go to his school so much, if I can't talk to him then at see him. But as much as I want to I can't because of the guards my dad hired to stay by my side wherever I go. My phone was disconnected and replaced with a new one, my email changed, and even my house was sold without me knowing. At work, everyone was notified about Kibum and my secretary was told to hang up the phone when he calls. I'm not even allowed to answer my own phone because someone had to do it.
I felt so imprisoned, controlled, and I felt like I have no independence at all with how my moves are being watched all the time. I'm not even allowed to talk to anyone and go to places unless my father was told about it. At home I would avoid my parents as much as I can - spending the rest of the either at the office or in my room. I can tell that my mom was trying to approach me, but before she could even come closer I would close the door and lock it. I know that what I'm doing to her was hurting her, but what I feel is much worse than what she could think of and I just can't face her knowing that even without her saying it, I know she was disappointed for what I did.
Disappointed for getting involved with someone like Kibum, that is. She was extremely happy when she found out that I was dating again and she became fond of him almost immediately. But when the truth came out it was a complete 180° change with her with how much she kept saying that it was a good thing that my father had done something to break us apart. I've never felt so much hatred towards my parents before; I guess this is how Kibum felt towards his parents. Being neglected and unacknowledged, I just wish its how it is right now for me. For years Kibum endured all those pain because of his parents, but I couldn't even see myself lasting that long.
"Hey, Jinki," someone called. Reality must really be a as I find myself sitting inside my office.
"What?" I didn't mean to sound irritated towards him but it just came out that way.
"Look, I know what happened Jinks, but we have work to do. You're a professional so you have to separate personal matters from work," I turned my gaze and saw Joon sitting on one of chairs in front of my desk. "Even the employees are lacking their performance because they kept complaining about you trusting someone from the rival company, about you letting him in and all those kinds of things. They're even saying that they'll quit their jobs..."
"Then let them," I cut him off, "Let them quit their jobs I don't care. I'm not the one who'll be losing it and I'd be glad to give opportunities to those who wanted to get a job and earn money. It's not my problem if they're a bunch of hypocrites using that as a reason for quitting their jobs here."
How come everyone in this damn place is all such hypocrites? When they met Kibum they all liked him and after finding out who he really was they just talked about him like that? And to think that all those times Kibum was here he did nothing but help them with their work. He was so considerate towards them and now they talk as if he had done nothing but pester them every time he was here. It angers me so much with how they think of him like that especially when don't even know him at all or as much I do. They’ve obviously been brainwashed by my dad if they really think of Kibum like that.
"Jinki we can't do that! They've been working here for years we can't just hire a bunch of rookies who doesn't have any experience!" He exclaimed, standing up and stomped in front of me as he slammed his fists onto my desk. "Jinks, you know what I'll be honest with you. Even I don't blame them for thinking that way because God, all those times we thought of him as someone we can trust and this, him turning out to be President Kim's son? We felt betrayed, Jinki, but as much I feel betrayed I know what you're going through, man. You felt betrayed just like us and I don't blame you because you didn't know anything."
Betrayed? I'm not the one betrayed here because I'm the one who betrayed him in the first place. I let him in here because I trust him with all I have and I know that he trusted me, too, but I broke it. They don't know a single thing of what's really going on, about what really happened and they think have the right to judge him?
"Leave my office now," I told him, glaring at him. I don't care if he's my cousin or employee but if I hear one more word from him I'll definitely hit him.
"Jinki," he started and I stood up and in a blink of an eye there was blood on the corner of his mouth. He stumbled back from the punch, his hand on his jaw and wiped the blood off. Straightening himself up, he gave me another look before leaving my office.
Letting myself fall into my chair, I heaved a deep sigh and loosened the tie around my neck. I'm already having a hard time working for days I don't need them butting in my business. I don't need them telling me what to do and what not to do. They only know parts of the truth not the whole thing and they made it seem as if they know everything. Why can't they just mind their own business to do their work instead of nosing around, trying to pick up some gossip to spread around and drawing their own conclusion that are far from the truth?
That night I decided to stay at the office later than I intended to. All the lights were off, not a single person except me were left that even those who were staying overtime had gone home already. Holding a glass of whisky in one hand while holding the engagement ring I got for Kibum, I stayed seated and kept playing with the ring between my fingers. Aiming it towards the light outside, the stones on the band glimmers repeatedly and the regret of letting Kibum go became worse. I didn't even get a chance to give this to him, put it around his finger while kneeling on a bent knee and ask him to be mine.
Thinking about it now, I could clearly see how he will react - shocked, speechless, and utterly touched as tears flow down from his eyes. Then, recovering from the shock he would nod his head multiple times before pulling me onto my feet and throwing his arms around me in an embrace. I don't want to continue anymore, there's no use in regretting it now because it's already done.
I thought of throwing it away and let someone else pick it up from the trash but just the thought of someone holding it besides me made me change my mind. Gulping the rest of the alcohol in my glass, I put the ring inside my pocket and went home. I must have gone crazy already because I kept wishing that somehow, the alcohol would have an effect on me and get me into a car accident. I tried closing my eyes for a minute, hoping that my car would crash onto something but then I realized it was already past midnight and the streets are almost empty.
Arriving home, I saw the lights were still on and I just couldn't help but let out a sigh of frustration. As expected, when I came in I saw both of my parents waiting for me at the living room with my mom sitting on the long couch while my dad sat on his own seat. My gaze immediately locked with my mom's and without saying a word I walked straight towards my room, slamming the door shut and locked it. I don't want anyone to bother me, even if it's Taemin I don't care. They should know better than to disturb me.
I laid down on my bed without changing my clothes, looking out the window across from my bed and waited for sleep to come to me. I heard faint footsteps outside my room and I can tell it was my mom. The footsteps stopped and I looked at the bottom of the door, I saw her shadow just standing there. "Go away," I said turning my head away from the door and continued looking out the window. After sometime I heard her walk away and unconsciously I started tearing up.
Closing eyes and letting the years my fall, I pictured myself in a different situation. A situation opposite of what I am in right now - no Kibum, never meeting him, and no falling in love. Just with those things it was enough for me to realize how dull my life would be if none of those happened. Why do I keep tormenting myself thinking about him? His face, his voice, his smile, and just everything about him will surely linger inside my brain. Because all of my things were brought here by other people, I don't even know where our pictures together are now. They were probably thrown away or burnt, pictures that contain so many memories our time together.
Inside my head, his face slowly started forming. I imagined him being with me but instead it came out with just him. He looked solemn and dejected, busy working on his art. Sometimes it just occurs to me how ironic it is to see him painting such vivid art but when looking at the artist himself there seems to be no colour in his expression. I've seen once or twice with the same expression on his face when we were still together but it would quickly change when I appear beside him. Will he become like that now that we're separated? Will I ever see him smile again? The very same smile I saw on his face when we met, his dimples showing when he first said "Hi" to me. Oh god, this is driving me insane!
Throwing myself off my bed, I decided to grab something to drink, preferably something with alcohol. Walking towards the kitchen and the bar, I saw Taemin on one of the talk stools by the island holding a glass of wine in one hand while his chin rested on the other. Only the wall lamps were lit making the room slightly dark and dimmed but I can tell he was deep in thought. Or maybe he was mad at something with the way he easily gulped a full glass in one shot. "You know you shouldn't be drinking on a school night," I told him, taking a glass of my own and a bottle of whisky and took a seat next to him.
"Says the one who chugs bottles of whisky like its ing water wherever he goes," he replied sarcastically. He poured another glass of wine almost overflowing it to the rim before putting the bottle down. I took the bottle from him and put it away, earning myself a glare from him.
“What’s wrong now? It’s not like you to drink for no reason.” Pouring myself a glass of whisky, I waited for him to reply.
Taemin and I are alike in some ways. We both drink when we’re feeling mad or frustrated about something, we tend to keep things to ourselves, and we both confide in each other whenever we have problems. But for quite sometime now we haven’t been able to spend time together as brothers, its either I’m with Kibum or he’s with Minho that we barely got together just us like we used to.
“It’s just that I miss Kibum hyung. I’ve been avoiding him for days and Minho hyung kept asking me what’s going on because he hadn’t seen you in school. Everything just feels like crap and its just frustrating me so much that I can’t even talk to one of my best friends because of some stupid excuse that he’s from some family that Dad hates!” he exclaimed before chugging down the glass of wine in front of him, a small amount escaping his mouth and dripping from his chin onto his shirt.
“How do you think I feel? I keep hearing everyone complaining about Kibum and how I just let him roam around the company even though he’s Mr. Kim’s son. All of them think that I was tricked and they’re saying that they want to quit their jobs because of it. They’re badmouthing him in front of me, Tae and it just angers me so much. Even Joon was like them. He thinks Kibum used me so I punched him in the face."
I heard Taemin gasp beside me, “You punched him?” and I nodded, taking a sip of my drink. “Whoa, when was the last time you did that to him, hyung? When you were still in high school? You must have been pretty angry at him."
"I was really angry for what he said about Kibum."
"Hm, I guess he deserves that. I mean, he doesn't even know Kibum hyung as well as we do and yet they judge him like that. I would've probably punched him, too, if I was there. He should consider himself lucky that it's just a punch."
I laughed at what he said, which brought me back to us being similar. We both tend to get violent went mad and because of that, we actually got into a fist fight back then. Somehow, we just forgot about tomorrow and how we both have school and work. We just kept drinking, me giving him back the bottle of wine and pouring ourselves another round. Just like that we finished both bottles of wine and whisky, our visions blurry and we've been laughing over something that doesn't make sense at all and crying at some point because of something I couldn't remember until we both passed out on the kitchen island.
The next morning when I woke up, I was surprised to find myself in bed. I couldn't remember most of what happened last night, mostly blurry images of Taemin and I drinking and that's basically everything. One thing's for sure though, a major hang over that hurts so bad even thinking made it worse. Willing myself to go back to sleep, I stayed in bed for a while but since my head hurts I couldn't go back to sleep. Groaning, I forced my eyes to open slowly, ignoring the brightness in my room. When my eyes had opened completely, I noticed that the room was too bright to be morning. So I decided to look at my phone and saw that it was already quarter to eleven. Meaning, I was almost three hours late for work.
I guess not only do I have to worry about this hangover but also my dad getting mad at for being late and also for drinking. Actually, change that, I don't care what he will say to me. Outside work, we hadn't been talking much to each other and we talk for business purposes. Aside from that, I would constantly avoid him and just ignore everything. What he did just completely our relationship as father and son, and even though I'm pretty sure he was aware of it I don't think he will do anything about it. He's too prideful to do something to reconcile with me.
*knock knock*
"What?" I groaned louder, rolling over face down and grabbed the blanket to cover myself all the way up to my head.
"Hyung, wake up," I heard Taemin on the other of the door. He's still here? "Hey, open the door. Let's eat breakfast," he said, knocking again on the door.
"Stop knocking, Tae. You're making my head pound," I told him and even though my voice was somewhat muffled I'm pretty sure he can understand why I'm trying to say because he should feel the same way.
"Just come down, okay. I don't want to be alone with mom," he replied, almost pleading.
"Alright, alright, I'll come down in minute." I heard him say okay and then I heard his footsteps leaving my door.
Forcing my body to get up, I almost fell back down when a sharp pain shot through to my head. I tried to ignore it, getting up and made my way to the bathroom. When I saw myself in the mirror, I looked completely horrible. My hair was sticking out in different directions, my eyes were bloodshot, and my skin felt rough. I was still wearing the same clothes from last night, the first buttons of my dress shirt was undone, my tie still around my neck. Somehow I just couldn't help but think who brought me up to my room.
For the whole hour, I soaked myself up in the bathtub, feeling the hot water untangle the knotted nerves in my body. For the first time in days, I felt relaxed with my mind drifting off and blanking out. Even though I was relaxed, Kibum's face entered my mind again but this time it didn't made me feel hurt or saddened. I feel as if he was there with me, watching me with a smile. The longer his image remained in my thoughts it was when pain started forming again. How is it possible for someone to affect me so much like this? Now it just proves how much he changed me, and how my life will never be the same without him.
After finishing up, I felt much better than earlier even though I still have a major headache. I dressed up casually and went down to see my brother in the living room holding a bowl of cereal while his eyes were glued to the TV. He was still in his pajamas, although he seemed to be feeling much better than I thought. I took a seat beside him, turning my attention towards the show currently on and tried as best as I could to actually register what’s going on. They all looked like talking but I couldn't figure out what, it’s not like I'm only hearing mutterings and seeing them move their lips its just that I couldn’t focus at all. Ugh, in the end I just decided to give up and headed towards the kitchen to get my own food.
When I walked inside the kitchen, I saw my mom sitting on one of the chairs on the dinner table, a cup of coffee in front of her and she seemed to be busy talking to someone on the phone. I just ignored her as I went to get a cup of coffee for myself, turning on the coffee maker and waited for the pot to be filled but I couldn't help but overhear her say something about me.
"Trust me, they will look good together," she said, almost too happy to be talking about something casual. They? What is she talking about? Not long after she hung up and spoke to me. "You know it was really stupid of you to drink on a weekday. Your dad and I found you and your brother passed out here in the kitchen with bottles of alcohol so we had to get help from the security guards to get you to your own rooms this morning. Just be glad that I managed to convince your father to let you sleep in and miss work."
"Then maybe next just let me feel like while being dragged to work by that bastard," I almost spat at her.
My back was facing her, my hands resting against the kitchen counter while I looked out the window. Somehow, the way she said those words sounded as if she was blaming me for something. I was starting to hate her as days go by, because everyday it feels like she's changing from the mother I used to see before all these happened. She was no longer that caring and gentle person - the mother-figure type - and she just turned into this inconsiderate, narrow-minded, despicable witch. I can't believe this used to be the same woman who I idolized for so long and with just one unfortunate fact I was starting to wish that she wasn't my mother in the first place. I thought she would understand about Kibum's identity but instead of hearing me out and letting me explain, she just walked away from me.
"Don't talk to me or about your father that way, Lee Jinki. Being disrespectful to your elders is not how I raised you," she retorted back. This time I turned to face her, seeing her face set in a serious expression.
Pursing my lips, I actually couldn't believe she just said that to me. I know that if I open my mouth and say something, it isn’t going to be pretty so instead I just shut my mouth. When my coffee was ready, I poured myself a cup and without another word I left my mom in the kitchen, her gaze following me until I was gone. Taemin was still in the living room watching a different show, his bowl of cereal empty and on top of the side table near him.
"Had a fight with mom?" he asked without looking at me. Carefully setting my cup on the side table beside his cereal bowl, I slumped on the spot next to him on the couch.
"Yeah, it's like she's blaming us for what happened last night."
"What happened last night?" he asked.
"You don't remember anything?"
"I do, it's just that what did we last night anyway that she's blaming us? We drank and got drunk, that's it. We're frustrated and mad so we just wanted to do something to get it out. What's so wrong about that? I swear hyung, mom's turning to some ing and she's always pissing me off nowadays."
I didn't say anything back even though I agree with him. Our mom was becoming too much to bear and sometimes we feel like she's not our mom anymore. Our family has changed, my relationship with my parents strained and it seems that it's also the same with Taemin. Truthfully, I never thought that this would happen to us actually. I should've seen it coming sooner or later after knowing who Kibum's family was. But it's too late to regret anything because what's done is already done, there's no turning back or reversing anything. Although I wish could turn back the time right now and do something to make everything right to prevent all this happening to us.
“How are you feeling anyway? My hangover’s really bad right now,” I told him and he just laughed at me before answering.
“Mine’s not that bad actually. It’s pretty tolerable considering I’ve been having headaches for a couple of days now because of you know who and you know why.”
I just laughed half-heartedly at him and continued watching TV. It was silent between us except for the sound coming from the TV and then I heard a buzzing noise.
"Hyung, I just got a message from Minho," Taemin elbowed me on the ribs lightly and I saw him holding his phone, his expression pained and tearful.
"So?" I asked him. It kind of confuses me that he had to tell me that because I know that it's not my business whatever Minho says to him, especially if it's between them because it's not my relationship.
"He said Kibum hyung fainted in school. They had to rush him to the hospital because his condition was really bad."
Fainted? Hospital? There was suddenly this strong urge to run outside the house and drive as fast as I could towards the hospital. Clenching my hand, I had to fight that urge and force myself to stay seated. I turned to look at my brother and saw that he was also trying hard to control himself. Tears were already pooling in his eyes, the corners of his lips quivering and he bit them to control his emotions. I know how he feels right now, and with the sudden news about Kibum for sure he felt even worse for what's going on. "Hyung, I want to go. I want to see Kibum hyung. Can we go please?"
"No, we can't," I told him as sternly as I could. He stared at me in shock and disbelief, his face almost questioning about what I just said.
"Why not? Hyung, I know you want to see him as bad I as do. I don't care if you broke up with him for whatever reason that made you do it in the first place but I do know that you still love him. Come on, hyung, you can't deny it," he grabbed my arm trying to plead with me.
"Taemin, there's no use in begging because we're not going. I'm already trying to move on and seeing him won't do any good for either of us. Just accept that fact, please," I don't know where those words came from and I honestly don't mean them at all. I wanted to see him so badly, I want to know if he's alright and know what's wrong with him. I stood up and left him, afraid that I might do something not suitable at the moment. But before I could even left the room I heard him say, "Bastard, you're a ing bastard, Jinki hyung. If you're going to be like this then maybe it's only right that you're no longer with him."
I heard him stood up as well and he walked past me, bumping my shoulder hard enough to make me almost lose my balance. I can only stare at his back as he walked around the corner of the hallway and disappear from my sight, hearing the loud slam of his bedroom door soon after. Fighting with him isn’t what I needed right now, I don’t need another person making me feel like crap inside this house because my parents are already enough for that and they’re doing a pretty good job at it.
I don’t want to have a fight with Taemin because he’s the only person right now that I could talk to and rely on, and if I let anything come between us who’s going to be there for me when I need someone? Walking towards his room, I knocked on his door a couple of times before I heard him say “Come in”. When I opened the door I saw him sitting on his bed with his legs wrapped around in his arms, his face set in a serious expression and I knew he was pissed at me.
“What do you want?” he asked. He didn’t look at me, which I am thankful for before if I see his eyes I knew I would feel worse.
“Look, about what I said earlier, I’m sorry. It’s just that what happened between me and Kibum, its not easy for me. And as much as it hurts me, I have to move on, Tae. If I see him again I would never be able to do it because I would only want him more back into my life,” I explained to him. Again, words kept coming out of my mouth without my permission and somehow it was starting to convince me that maybe if I did start moving on, it wouldn’t be so painful and hard anymore for me.
“But why, hyung? You still love him and you still care about him so why are you trying to move on when you still want to be with him? Why are you pretending that all those things are not true when they are? Why can’t you just try and make things right for both of you? Take him back, fight for him, and do something, please.”
“Taemin…” I started but I couldn’t think of anything to finish it.
“You won’t know unless you try it, hyung. It’s worth the risk,” he said finally looking at me.
Can I really do something? Will I be able to?
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