Chapter 21 pt. 2
Never AgainA/N:
here's part 2...
are you guys crying already??
XD
- immaLocket029
Hours passed and I still wasn't even halfway loosening up in getting comfortable with everything that surrounded me. I've talked to probably half of the guests - only to those who were willing enough to get to know me themselves - and when I've drank my fifth beverage I felt nausea creeping up on me. I never left Jonghyun's side even once, with the way I was tightly holding his hand throughout or occasionally gripping his suit jacket just to make sure that I would never be parted from him.
When he noticed that I was barely talking or saying anything, he pulled me to the corner with him and steadied me, "What's wrong? Are you okay?" he asked, putting a hand on my forehead and I noticed that it felt clammy through his touch. He looked at me with concern - I guess I wasn't looking that well anymore - and wiped my forehead with his handkerchief.
I shook my head and I was starting to feel worse. I couldn't answer him anymore because I could hardly breathe. I felt suffocated. I kept taking big gulps of air trying to breathe but somehow I guess it didn't when I felt the first wave of vertigo hit me and almost made me stumble backwards. Jonghyun caught me in time and grabbed the nearest chair around him, making me sit on it. He stood beside me, a hand behind my back as he soothingly tried to calm me down by rubbing it.
When I could finally talk, I grabbed his hand and made him squat down in front of me. "Can I go out?" I asked, hoping that even though I might get separated from him, at least there wouldn't be many people surrounding me and suffocate me. He seemed reluctant to say yes as he looked away for a while and looked around. I can tell he was thinking about it when he pursed his lips to the side and his gaze moved down to the floor. "Please, Jonghyun," I begged.
"Alright," he finally replied, taking both of my hand in his and held them tight. He stared into my eyes and continued, "But don't go too far, understand? Just stay close where I can see you from the window so I know that you're nearby." I nodded.
I stood up and we both walked towards the door and out into the open air. I was about to keep walking when Jonghyun stopped me and said, "You have ten minutes. After that I want you back inside because we don't want Dad to get mad at both of us, okay?" I nodded again and he ruffled my hair before letting me go and going back in. The feeling of the cold night air immediately made me feel much better than minutes ago. I was able to breath better and somehow I felt so calm that it made me close my eyes while I stood there taking in the fresh air.
It was quiet except for the brief whooshing of the cars passing by not far from where I was. Minutes have probably gone by with me just standing there, since there weren't anyone outside it didn't bother me that someone was watching me. Even though my eyes were closed, my feet started moving forward. I can feel the wind blowing on my skin but surprisingly it didn’t felt cold to me even when I knew that it was twenty degrees below zero. Slowly I opened my eyes and when I looked behind me, I was already a couple of meters away from the entrance of the hall where I promised Jonghyun I would stay so he can check up on me.
With the freedom that was given just for now, I started walking again further away. I realized the time given to me wasn’t enough – I wanted it to be longer. Even when I try to be alone at home hoping to be free of anyone’s constant watching, I still felt confined. I wanted to get away but I couldn’t so I force myself to be satisfied with the small and temporary freedom that Jonghyun gives me. When I looked back once again and saw that I far enough to give me the time I needed, I settled myself under a tree at a parking lot. There weren’t that much cars but it was enough to hide me from being caught.
Turning my head towards the side I watched the cars passing by. I just wish I could be as free as those people. It didn’t seem to me that they were running away from something; they were just free, unlike me. Hugging my knees close to me chest I continued watching vehicles moving from one to another. By now Jonghyun must’ve noticed that I wasn’t where I promised I was going to stay. By now he’s probably mad at me for breaking my promise and for taking advantage of the situation to run away.
I suddenly felt afraid that he might stop being there for me, that he might leave me alone and let me be on my own. That’s what I wanted at first, but with how I was becoming how can I possibly survive without his help? He’s the only one I can rely at the moment and if I lose him what was I going to do?
I thought of getting up and start walking back to the hall, but when I saw him walking towards where I was, I was frozen in place. It didn’t look like he saw me as he kept walking until he was under the tree just like I was and simply look back towards the direction he came from. It’s been so long since the last time I saw him, but it didn’t look like he changed one bit.
“Jinki,” I couldn’t stop myself from calling his name. Even though it came out as a breath I knew he heard me.
He looked at me and I called him again, somewhere in my mind wondering if I was just imagining him or if he really was just a couple of steps away from me. When I felt something cold touch my skin I realized I was already crying. I stood up and took a small step forward, but he moved back. I tried to move forward again and he didn't back away anymore. Seeing him this close to me I couldn't stand it. I felt mad, but I also felt happy. I wanted to reach and hold him so I can see for myself that he's real. I don't want to think that I'm only getting my hopes up when I find out that in the end, the image in front of me was just a trick created by my mind.
"What are you doing here?" Hearing his voice convinced me that he really was in front of me, but a changed person. The way he sounded made me stop, the obvious harsh tone that laced his voice. I stared at his eyes and wish I hadn't. They were cold and even through my tears I can see that he wasn't happy seeing me.
"Dad's company was having a Christmas party nearby," I replied weakly.
"Why are you here? Are you involved in father's business now, huh? I thought you don't want to be a part of it because you don't care, that you never wanted to be involved with his business."
“I don’t,” I said, shaking my head, “Jonghyun brought me here along with him.”
He looked shocked with my reply as his brows raised. “Looks like you and your brother are getting along now.”
There was something in his voice when he said that, as if he couldn’t believe that Jonghyun and I are finally getting along after resolving our conflicts. “Why does it sound like it’s a bad thing that he and I are getting along now? Isn’t it supposed to be a good thing?”
“But don’t you hate him? You kept saying that before, didn’t you? You said you never wanted to have anything to do with him.”
I looked down and fiddled with my fingers. He was right. I used to say that I hate Jonghyun. But after knowing that both of us have been jealous of the other’s life I realized that I wasn’t the only one hurting because of our parents. I noticed that none of us had said anything and because of the silence that surrounded us I can only hear my own breathing. “I don’t hate him anymore, Jinki. He’s... He’s helping me.”
“Helping you with what?” he asked.
Once again it took me awhile to answer him. Should I tell him the truth about how I’ve been the whole time or should I lie that I’m doing fine without him? But I guess the truth was already shown with how I look, “He’s helping me heal,” I whispered and looked at him once again. “He’s helping get through all this and if it wasn’t for him I would’ve probably lost it ever since that day.”
It wasn’t exactly the truth, but I’d rather not tell him how I’ve been struggling everyday and those thoughts that kept trying to control me. It’s enough that he had seen me like this, he doesn’t need to know everything. In the end, I started sobbing once again remembering the pain and the suffering I’ve gone through when I saw our fathers together at the restaurant. A question popped up in my mind despite the emotional breakdown I was starting to feel. One question that deep inside of me wanted to be answered, that wanted the truth of what really happened before that day, a question that I hoped to bring me out of my misery.
“Can I ask you something?” he nodded and I continued. I couldn’t read his expression but I still went on, “They told me you agreed to give me up to my dad, that you were part of their plan all along. Was that true?" My emotions were starting to get the best of me as my voice started shaking and I struggled to breathe properly through my mouth.
He just stared at me and the slightest bit a part of me wished he would deny it. I want him to tell me that what they told me were lies. I don’t want to think of him as the bad guy anymore. “Jinki, tell me – was that true?” I repeated. He still didn’t say anything and I was starting to get paranoid that I was only getting my hopes up. “Jinki,” I pleaded. It was hard not to cry when all I can think about that what they told me were true, that he was part of it because he didn’t want me anymore.
“It’s true,” he replied weakly and looked away from me. “I did give you up.”
My hands dropped to my side as his words sunk into me, those five words repeating themselves over and over but despite of it I still kept hoping. ““If I asked you to take me back, will you? I’ll change for you if that’s what you want,” I felt desperate just to be with him again that I’ll do anything for him to take me back. I was starting to run out of air and I knew it won’t be long until I gave out.
“I can’t do that… No, I wouldn’t do that,” he replied.
“Why?” I couldn’t find my voice anymore that it came out as a breath instead.
"Because you're a burden," he said. I flinched at his words and I wished I never asked him.
“Please don’t say that…” I begged.
"You kept bringing me problems; all you do is depend on me; you can't stand up for yourself; you can't even protect yourself because you're just too weak..." but it was as if he decided to ignore me as he kept going.
Forcing myself for the last time, I screamed at him using every last bit of what I could and I gave out. It was the last draw for me when I felt my chest constricting. “Please stop.” my fingers dug deeper into the ground as they support and prevent me from falling.
I heard someone calling me from far away but I was trying to regain myself that I couldn't tell whose voice it was. I heard footsteps coming closer from where we were but everything was a blur to me.
"I'm sorry," Jinki hyung murmured.
"Don’t say that when you don't mean it," I replied. after all those things he said, those words that I never thought would come from him, how can he simply say sorry and expect me to just accept it as if it didn't affect me? Saying those two words weren't enough to take the pain the he inflicted on me.
If I could move, I wanted to get away from him. I don't want to be with him any longer, but just like how he said earlier I was weak. I was mad that he was right, that every word exactly describes who I am. But what makes me mad the most was how I couldn't prove otherwise instead of showing it to him. I want to prove him wrong but that is almost similar in hoping for a miracle to happen. Loud screams echoed in my ear and it took me while to realize that it was me as I finally reached my limit and I gave out completely.
"Kibum!" a part of me managed to identify Jonghyun’s voice out of the voices ringing in my head, all of them talking at once that I couldn't understand what they were saying. I tried to tell them to stop talking but I've had enough and let them no matter how much it was hurting me already. "You, what the hell did you to him?" I didn't hear Jinki answer, but when my vision cleared up for a short while I hoped that none of this ever happened.
I can see him moving farther away from me, leaving me here on the cold ground while I'm trying to breathe. He didn't even look back once; he just kept walking until he went inside the building not far from where I was and disappeared. My whole body was starting to become numb from the cold, but the words that came from him brought me such pain that being numb did nothing to hide it. I couldn't move myself and even twitching my finger was taking a lot of energy from my body.
Jonghyun had been trying to make me stand up so he can help me go back in. I saw him holding my hands, but I couldn't feel anything. I kept feeling pain everywhere that I don't even know where exactly it was coming from. I saw our hands shaking that I first thought he was the one shaking, but then I realized it was me. I looked down and saw my legs trembling that they won't even support me even when I try to stand up with Jonghyun's help. We tried couple of times to make me stand up, but just seconds after I was off the ground I would fall back down.
In the end Jonghyun decided to carry me instead, making me wear his jacket and pull them closer to my body. "Its okay, Kibum, its okay," he whispered in my ear repeatedly. Ever since we started getting along, he had been my support and he always stayed by my side. But saying that its okay countless times doesn’t make it true, it doesn’t make the pain go away just like that because he said so. When I closed my eyes he's the only one I could see - the way his eyes coldly stares at me, the harsh tone of his voice resounding in my ears, and his words repeating in my head.
All of it felt and looked so real I had hard time distinguishing whether he was still there in front of me. It felt as if the whole thing was happening once again when the whole scene started appearing. I tried looking somewhere else, hoping to see something that can take me away from it. But seeing his hateful gaze towards me made it difficult for me. I can only think of what I had done wrong that made him hate me so much. The whole time we've been together, he knew how much I tried to be the right one for him. For him I tried to be better because I don't want him to see just how weak I am.
When he saw how I was, he accepted me. But something probably changed – or maybe there was something that changed his mind about me – that he was able to make that decision to give me up so easily. I felt trapped, forced to see something I don’t to see or even remember. I can feel the ground beneath me as if I was still kneeling, my finger digging into the earth supporting myself. Wasn’t seeing once enough?
The scene ended along with my screams, but not long after it started again until it kept happening all over again. I couldn’t stop it from happening over and over again no matter how much I tried. I couldn’t open my eyes or even force myself to look away. My chest was constricting again from the pain then I realized that I wasn’t breathing – or rather I couldn’t breathe.
When I couldn’t feel anything anymore and everything started fading out, my whole body felt like it was floating on air. There weren’t any sound at all, but everything was dark. It was as if my body got detached from everything else, from reality or even from feeling anything and was just simply hovering above nothing. It was surreal, but it was nicest I’ve felt in a long time. I like how it feels and I just wish that it would last for a long time.
~
Jonghyun didn’t think that was going to happen when he let Kibum go outside of the hall and away from him. Every minute he was constantly looking out the window to check on his brother and for the first couple of minutes Kibum was just standing outside with his eyes closed. When he suddenly got caught in a conversation with a colleague and forgot to check on Kibum, the latter was already gone.
For almost half an hour after noticing that Kibum was no longer in front of the entrance like he promised he would stay at, Jonghyun looked for his brother around the venue and even at the hotel nearby where they reserved a room just for Kibum in case of an emergency panic attack, he didn’t think that Kibum would go as far as the parking lot couple of blocks away from where the event was.
He didn’t think that Kibum would ended up meeting Lee Jinki once again when he saw the two of them together under a tree with his brother almost writhing on the cold ground. Jinki didn’t say what happened to Kibum as he just left without saying another word, and when Jonghyun held his brother he regretted ever letting him go.
He pleaded his father a couple months before to change to venue when he was told that Lee Corp. was having their own not far from where they booked theirs. And when Kim Youngwoon only told him to watch out for Kibum instead of worrying about irrelevant matters, Jonghyun had no choice. He didn’t plan on letting Kibum out of his sight but when the latter asked for permission to go out and he saw how Kibum looked, even though he was reluctant he chose to let him.
Now looking at his brother lying down inside the hotel room, groaning as if he was in pain with his eyes closed and cold sweat covering his forehead, Jonghyun kept blaming himself for making the wrong decision and putting Kibum to his current situation. Even when he was already covered in thick blankets, Jonghyun can still see Kibum shivering and faint words escaping his mouth.
The door opened and both of his parents came in, his mother immediately going to Kibum’s side and held his hand while his father stood a couple of feet away. Jonghyun couldn’t read his father’s expression but he couldn’t sworn his saw something that flickered in Youngwoon’s eyes that was far from anger.
“What happened to him?” Chaeyoung asked, realizing the cold feeling of Kibum’s hand. “Why is he so cold?”
“I let him outside because he wasn’t feeling well. I told him to stay near the entrance only for ten minutes where I can see him but then I just forgot the time and when I looked again he was gone. I found him at the parking lot a couple of blocks away and…” Jonghyun wasn’t sure if he should say about Kibum seeing Jinki again especially in front of his father knowing that he was told to keep an eye on his brother.
“And what, Jonghyun, say it,” Chaeyoung urged him on.
“He was with Lee Jinki,” Jonghyun finally said, averting his eyes from his father. "He was already on the ground when I saw him. I asked Jinki what happened to him but he just left..."
“He’s what?!" his father exclaimed in anger. “Didn’t I tell you clearly not to let him outside, Jonghyun? What part of that didn’t you understand?”
“Dad, I had no choice, okay? It’s so easy for you to say things and order people around you but you just don’t know how hard it was to see him like that because you never cared for him in the first place.”
Jonghyun had had enough of his father that everything pent up inside of him finally came out. "If you ever cared for him, even just once, you would know that it wasn't easy especially now that he's like this. If you care for him you would know that he's getting worse each day and feel the pain after hearing him say himself that he's no longer normal.”
A tear escaped Jonghyun’s eye but he quickly wiped it away with the back of his hand. Without another word his father left the room and even though he had finally told him all the things he wanted to say there was still a part of him that regretted his actions and told him that it was too much. But he had been keeping everything to himself most of the time, he was just like any other person who have their own limits and he just reached his.
His mother only looked at him in understanding. Chaeyoung knew that since Jonghyun had been taking care of Kibum most of the time and he has work to do, he would be stressed out. She couldn’t blame him for saying all those things because she also felt the same towards her husband. If she had enough courage she would have said the same thing long ago that by now things would have been different. She can only be thankful that her son was unlike her in some ways as he confronted his father the way she should have done herself.
Chaeyoung wanted to help Kibum, but seeing him writhing and groaning in his sleep she couldn't think of anything she could do. She stayed up all night watching over him, once in a while calming him down whenever he go through pain even in his sleep. With his hands gripping the blankets tightly, Chaeyoung wished that she was the one suffering instead of him. Kibum has gone through so much already - pain, suffering, and loneliness - and adding his illness that she fears was slowly coming back, Chaeyoung wanted nothing but to be able to help him.
When Jonghyun told her what Kibum had told him, she felt heartbroken. She thought she was only thinking things when she kept noticing that Kibum was always staring or blankly gazing at something - specifically at sharp objects although it might be a coincidence - she started worrying that he might be showing signs of his illness once again. She didn't know how Kibum controlled it before, but she knew that their previous ahjumma was the one who always took care of him until she retired. She was only told about the medication and the therapy that Kibum took when he was little as his treatment.
Because she was scared and upset that her son was sick, she never went to any of his treatments. She refused to see him through it all and as she gazes at Kibum lying down - helpless and in pain - she made up her mind. She'll stay with him no matter what even if he pushes her away or refuse to accept her. She wanted to make up for all those times she neglected him because of her selfish reasons. She doesn't want to be a coward anymore. When she saw the smiles after introducing Kibum to the public as her son, she felt as if a weight has been lifted off her shoulders. She knew it was the start of rebuilding their family, of rebuilding her relationship with Kibum as a parent, and be like a normal family. But she also knew that she had to persuade her husband into forgiving Kibum because of the incident that occurred more than twenty years ago when Kibum was still just a toddler.
She understands what her husband feels because of what happened, but no matter how many times she explained it to him that it wasn't Kibum's fault, it was as if her husband chose not to hear it. It may take her some time, but she was wiling to do it and wait until it happens. She wanted to make everything better for Kibum, give him a family he deserved long time ago, and show to him that she was regretting all those years of not being there for him. At some point she realized that other than taking care of him while he wasn't aware of it was not how it should it be. But seeing and knowing that he wasn't ready and that he was scared of being close to her, she had to keep herself content that for the meantime she can only be near or beside him when he's unconscious just like he was currently.
Seeing his brother in pain, Jonghyun couldn't help but blame himself for what he's currently going through. When he found about Kibum's illness couple of months ago he thought it was just a joke. He wanted to know more about it, and after doing research he closely observed his brother's action every time they're together. And as much as he didn't want to believe it, Kibum was showing symptoms and his behaviour matched what was described. he couldn't accept the fact that Kibum's was slowly drifting onto the brink of not knowing the difference between reality and fantasy, the fact that he wouldn't be able to differentiate what is real and what is not.
He never met his grandfather on his mother's side; therefore he doesn't know how a schizophrenic acts like. But even when just reading about people with the illness Jonghyun felt scared. He couldn't imagine his brother seeing someone or hearing something that wasn't there in the first place. But seeing him constantly gazing at something blankly, his hostile or agitated behaviour, and even sometimes saying something odd or irrational, Jonghyun felt that Kibum was already drifting away from being normal. Just like his mother, he was regretting not resolving their conflict sooner. All those times spent with fights and shouting should have been spent with other things.
But he wasn't going to complain with their relationship now. Even though some times Kibum was depending on him more than necessary it doesn't bother him. If it came to a point where he had to be there for him all the time, he'll immediately agree to it. He wanted to make him happy as much as he could, and if possible, he doesn't want to see him cry anymore or even see that he was suffering because of Lee Jinki. He wanted to make everything easier for Kibum as much as he can, and even if it might be hard and painful to see him as his condition worsens, Jonghyun knew he had to be there for him.
A/N:
ohmigawd... so much angst for this one...
but there will be more... :((
more angst will come and it might take a few more chapters before everything goes back to normal...
so wait for it...
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- immaLocket029
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