{Jihae}

Dumb Ways to Die.

It all starts with a simple advertisement for a game titled after suicide. That is when the idea hits me.

What if I plan to die? Will that trigger Baekhyun to come back? I’ll be the first to admit that committing suicide is one of the dumbest ways to end a life. After all life is precious and those who choose that route are stupid. And perhaps I’m about to become one of them.

I fish out my phone from my pocket and type out my message, something I’ve not done for a long time since I gave up when no replies came.

            Jihae: I’m dying come and find me.

I burst out laughing after I re-read what I had written. It was a total lie and I know he’d be able to tell by reading Luhan’s mind that I didn’t suffer from some illness. He’d never come to see me if he sees through my plan.

I delete the previous message and type another one.

            Jihae: I’m pondering about death…

I sigh as I stare at the message. It sounds weird and awkward at the same time. I am just about to give up when a sudden thought crosses my mind. Why not just be perfectly truthful?

And so I sit back up and re-type everything.

            Jihae: If I were to die, would you save me?

After sending the message, I lay back down on my bed. There is only one thing I can do. And that is to wait. I glance over at the ticking clock, wishing that I can rewind time to when everything seemed perfect. To when it felt like with Baekhyun around I was unbeatable. When I felt as though as I was at the top of the world.

Now, it has seemed, I have fallen into the dark bottomless pits of despair. Baekhyun’s leaving has shattered my entire world, leaving me as fragile as possible. I have always been insecure about life and the people around me. And after the person that I thought I could trust the most left me and never came back, it feels as though I’ve been stabbed in the back.

But he promised he’d come back. A voice in my head whispers and I’m once again reminded of the others promises he made. About how he’d protect me. He’d make me happy. About how he’d never leave me.

But haven’t I promised I’d be waiting? I mean I still am but just in a very desperate, impatient manner. When my phone doesn’t beep for about ten minutes, my doubts multiplies.

If he has seen it, he would teleport back here immediately right? So I roll about my bed aimlessly and wait. Waiting and waiting. An after an hour passed, there is still no signs of him. Maybe he doesn’t care.

I gulp down my sorrows. If he doesn’t care, is there any reason for me to continue living in this world of misery? I take dragged footsteps to the rooftop of my house. Seating at the edge of the building, I feel as though I’ve been thrown back to the day before the fight. I can picture Baekhyun siting right beside me, his protective arms around my waist.

What if I fall?

Then I’ll catch you.

The thought of his words puts a smile on my face. A genuine one. It’s been a long time since I’ve let the sides of my lips curl into a truthful grin. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt real happiness.

I love you.

Those three words had been said to me straight out of his mouth. Those three words filled with emotions. Those three words that I didn’t return because at that point in time I was still lunged in a state of blur. I had been unsure. But I’m not anymore.

“I love you,” I whisper into the air and let the wind blow away my words, somehow hoping that it’ll be brought to Baekhyun, wherever the world he may be in.

I tilt my body forward and stare at the people walking at the streets. All of them are too busy leading their lives to raise their head, only to see a girl siting dangerously at the parapet of her own house, thinking about whether she should end her life.  

Since I was born, suicidal thoughts have never once crossed my mind. Yes, I was abandoned, I was scared at times, but the act of killing one self to me is just an act of cowardice stupidity. And here I am, planning my death just because I want to see if he still cares. If Baekhyun cares at all.

The world feels frozen as I sit there peacefully staring into blank space. Or perhaps not so peacefully considering that if I wasn’t careful I would lose my balance and fall. And die.

He still loves me right? He cares right? He won’t abandon me right?

And maybe I am wrong. Because he already has thrown me aside, left me alone.

I inhaled for the very last time, closing my eyes, I am ready to fall. And maybe, just maybe he will catch me.

But what if he didn’t? I brush away all hesitation. I don’t care anymore. I am desperate, I want to see Baekhyun even if it would meant costing a life. My life.

See you at my funeral. Are my last thoughts before I tilt forward, the centre of gravity pulling me down. I’m going to fall. I already feel myself being lowered. Everything is going to end.

I am going to die. But I don’t. Because someone holds me back.

The arms that wrap around me are warm, but they aren’t his. For a considerably long period of time Luhan doesn’t say a word. He holds me tight in his arms and pets my hair. And that’s when I notice the tears b in his eyes. Those eyes that reflected pure disappointment. 

“What were you thinking?” He shouts at me after letting me go of the embrace. “Since when were you so foolish to kill yourself over some boy?”

“I-I don’t know…” My voice comes out as a hoarse mess of articulation. “I-I just thought that perhaps he’d come back.”

“And see you lying dead on the streets?” Luhan’s voice sounded hurt. “You could have died Jihae!”

“I’m sorry.” I say as tears flush in my eyes, threatening to fall in buckets.

“And then I would have lost a sister. Lost a friend. I would have lost you.” He wipes away the tear from my face using his thumb.

Luhan’s voice softens. “Don’t do that again ok? Promise me you won’t.”

I nod my head and turn to look away from the red-eyed Luhan. It feels unusual to see Luhan in tears and since he rarely ever cries, I suspect he really must have been frightened by his sister failed suicide attempt. Perhaps I did go too far.

“Jihae?”

“Yea?”

“I know where Baekhyun is.” Luhan mutters softly but just enough for me to hear him clearly and for me to respond immediately.

 “Where is he?!”I scream. I need to know. I need to find him.

And as though he knows what I’m thinking he says, “Promise me you won’t find him Jihae. Promise me you won’t.” His tone is scarily serious when he speaks.

“I promise.” I muster a convincing voice and that seems to pacify him.

“He’s in Beijing. Don’t ask me why because I don’t know.” Luhan has hit directly at the question I am just about to ask.

My eyes widen at the sudden rush of information. “Where exactly in Beijing?” I ask further.

“Why?” Luhan eyes me suspiciously. “What do you plan to do?”

“Nothing, just curious.” I lie. “I’m going to sleep.” I say and turn away from him to walk back into the house, ignoring his uneasy glances.

After I am back in the house, safely locked up in my room, I dial up the flight agency’s number to book the earliest flight to Beijing. And thankfully I managed to secure a ticket there. The flight leaves tomorrow at 4am. That leaves me with around seven hours of packing time.

I take out my luggage from the wardrobe and start stuffing clothes and other stuff that I’ll need for my stay in Beijing. But all of a sudden I plunge to the ground with a sigh. I don’t even know where exactly Baekhyun is and Beijing is one heck a big city. It could take me ages to find him.

And although I had stayed at Beijing for a year before, getting around will still serve as an issue because my Chinese is getting a little rusty. But the thought of possibly being able to see Baekhyun comforts me a little.

I smile to myself. See you soon.