{Jihae}

One year later…

Wherever I go, whatever I do, I’m reminded of that one person, Byun Baekhyun.

When I see the underside of my wrist, I think of him.

When I see the word ‘mind’, I think of him.

When I sleep, I dream of him.

“Jihae, I need to tell you something.” Baekhyun said and held my hand, making my cheeks blush a crimson red.

“What is it?”

“I’ll have to leave for a while.” the desperation in his voice was audible.

“Where?”

“I don’t know,” his eyes dodged around and I could tell he was trying hard not to make eye contact with me.

“How long will you be gone?”

“As long as I need to.”

“Can I come with you?” I asked hopefully.

“No.” His answer was that straightforward and quick. As though he had already thought about that for a long time already.

“Why are you telling me this?” I felt a surge of anger rushed through me.

“I want to tell you to wait for me. Wait for the day I return.” He says. “And whatever you do, don’t ever look for me.”

“Will you ever come back?”

“I will. I promise. Just please wait for me.”

That was the last time I saw him. It all happened afterschool one day when he walked me home. I knew that things were a little fishy when he insisted on making a detour to accompany me back home. And by the time I reached my house, I knew why.

Although it has already been one whole year, the memory still remains freshly imprinted in my head, as though it had just happened yesterday.

I had enquired from my teachers and they said Baekhyun transferred school, although he never stated which school he had transferred to. I checked with the immigration centres and they verified that Baekhyun had not gone overseas. Or maybe he just teleported there with Kai’s help.

For the pass year, no one has seen him, no one has heard of him. The school went into a frenzy after word got out that one of the most popular guy had transferred school. Girls were screaming over the fact their oppa had disappeared, his group of friends were at lost what to do without him.

But as the days passed, people began to forget, even Luhan has moved on and found himself a new best friend. It seemed like everyone was able to get over the fact that Baekhyun had left, everyone except me.

And here I am seating on my bed, leaning against the wall, donning the blue jacket Baekhyun had asked me to keep from a year ago. I wear it almost every other day, hoping that somehow, I might be able to hold on to whatever scent that’s left on his clothes.

In my palm is a photo of Baekhyun and me. It was taken a few days before he left. Tears slowly begin to fall as my fingers traced the outline of Baekhyun’s face.

“Baekhyun, I miss you.” I say and place a gentle kissed on his photo.

If I can choose, I rather Baekhyun can read my mind. I wish Baekhyun knows what I am feeling currently.  I wish he knows that I want him to come back.

“Jihae, just get over him, he’s not coming back.” A voice snaps me out of my delusional daydream and I quickly put away his photo into my bedside drawer.

“Shut up.” I snap at Luhan as he walks into my room.

“Stop lying to yourself Jihae. He said he’d leave for a while? This ‘a while’ has already been an entire year!” He chastises.

“And I’ll wait forever if I have to Luhan!” I shout. “You don’t understand, you don’t understand anything. I love him.”

“I just don’t want to see my sister rotting at home every day after she comes back from school! Go out with some friends or something.” He says.

“I don’t have any.” I answer honestly and suddenly I have to pity myself for being so pathetic.

“Then go make some!”

“You think those girls that talk to me actually want to befriend me? NO! They only want to get closer to my brother.” I shout at him.

“That’s not true!” He tries to deny, but the slight stammering in his voice tells be he already knows what I’m referring to.

“It is and you know it! Nobody likes me okay! Baekhyun was the only one that ever took interest in me and cared for me. And now that he is gone I feel like a huge part of me is being torn apart!” The tears are streaming down my cheeks and I have no idea how to make them stop so I just stuff my face into my hands in an attempt to. A failed attempt.

“Oh Jihae don’t cry.” Luhan’s voice softens immediately as he places a reassuring arm over my shoulder.

“Oppa…” I cry. The surprise depicted on his face tells me he isn’t the one that finds it weird that I suddenly call him using formalities. Even though Luhan is older than me, I’ve never addressed him like that before. I guess Baekhyun’s leaving has turned my world topsy-turvy.

“Why did he leave oppa? Why? Tell me why!” I whine like a little kid on Luhan’s chests, my tears staining his shirt as I do.

“I don’t know Jihae. But everything is going to be okay.” He smiles at me.

“Oppa?”

“What?”

“I miss him. A lot.” I confess.

“So do I.” He says.

•••••

 “Hi Jihae! Looking cheerful as usual!” a girl from my art class calls out to me as we cross paths in the hallway.

With a teeth-revealing smile, I wave back to her. My smile fades unnoticeably for a short moment but the voice of another girl resonates through my ear drums and it instantly brings me back into the world of façades.

“Hey Jihae!  Remember me? I’m Cheorin!” The tall girl with a bob hair cut says as she walks closer to me.

“Of course I do! It’s been a long time Cheorin! When did you come back? It’s been a year!” I say.

“My flight from USA just landed yesterday. Woah, it’s been exactly a year since I stepped into this school! So much has changed. You look so much prettier now Jihae!” She says and elbows at me lightly.

“Was I not pretty last time?” I say jokingly and elbow her back.

I just smile and say, “It should be. How was life in USA Cheorin?”

“It was amazing Jihae! You should really visit there someday! My life has been great, but I came back because I still love Korea the best!” Cheorin said. “Speaking of lifes, how’s your relationship with Baekhyun eh?”

My heart skips a beat at the mention of his name. Emotions soar within me. Disappointment, sadness, anger, grief. But I just force out a twisted smile and let out a slight laughter, praying that she’d stop digging further.

 “Ah I know you’re shy—”

“He transferred school, and erh I kinda lost contact with him.” I say nonchalantly with a shrug.

“What? Oh my freaking god! So I guess it’s over between the two of you?” I cringe inwardly. Ouch, this girl probably doesn’t know she is sprinkling salt on my wound.

“I guess so. See you later Cheorin!” I manage a stable voice even though I am on the verge on breaking down. I wave to her cheerfully as I walk away. I only stop smiling after I lock myself in the toilet.

And that’s when I let my tears fall as they willed. I have to place a hand over my mouth to prevent all those horrible sobbing sounds that are threatening to slip out. I wish Cheorin hasn’t seen through me. I wish no one has and ever will.

For the pass year, my only genuine smiles were during times when I saw Baekhyun’s photos. Underneath all my smiles, lies the harsh reality of sadness.

Every smile that I wear on my face is fake.

Even when I am sad, I appear happy.

Even when I am broken within, I seem complete on the outside.