{Jihae}

So much has changed since I last came to Seoul which is like a year ago so I guess that makes sense. Staring at the skyscrapers that line the streets, I let my lips curve into a smile.

I turn to my left. My brother is sitting beside me. His hands constantly scrolling at his phone, bursting into laughter in between times. This is how you can tell when someone has this kind of packed social life where every tweet or Instagram post is not to be missed out.

My family and I are now in the car on our way home from the airport. Correction; my foster family and I that is. Yes. I’m adopted. Not like this is a big deal or anything. Okay who am I kidding? It’s a huge deal.

And sometimes they shower me with so much care and attention I forget that I am actually adopted. Sometimes Luhan and I are so close I forget that he isn’t really my brother.

Apparently everything around me isn’t real. I’ve learnt to accept that since many years ago. I don’t even know whether my name is real. Ji means earth and Hae means sun. It’s weird why someone would name their child after things from the solar system so I’m assuming that Jihae isn’t even my real name.

Many people know me as the cheerful girl that always wears a vibrant smile on her face. Many people know me as the optimistic person that never seem to have a bad day. What they do not know, is that it’s just a mask to hide my insecurity to the world and everyone in it.

Most people won’t understand what it’s like being me. It’s not every day that a child is left on the door step of another family’s. There are many questions in my mind.

Who are my parents? Why did they abandon me? But most importantly, who am I?

The only thing I know about myself are from the words of my foster parents. They told me that on a cold September evening, they heard knocks on their door. When they opened it, there was a baby in a basket at the foot of their door. No note no nothing. Just a baby with a pair of huge eyes and a birthmark that resembled the shape of a sun with small dots surrounding it.

At the thought of that, I lower the light blue wrist band on my left hand slightly, just enough to reveal this ridiculous looking birthmark that is unfortunately imprinted on the underside of my wrist. I don’t like it. I never did. Since my parents chose to abandon me, I don’t like anything about myself, including this odd looking birthmark.

Tomorrow is the first day of school. A new year, a new beginning.

I left Seoul a year ago for China for an exchange programme. Returning to Seoul High School after a year overseas is both refreshing and terrifying at the same time. At seventeen years old, popularity is everything.

As far as I’m concerned, I have a certain understanding of the entire social hierarchy any and every high school possesses. You have to be pretty, you have to be smart, and you have to be friendly to be popular. And since I am only slightly above average pretty, and my grades are considered inconsistent, I can only use my personality to get a place in the school or at least to survive in it.

I smile. I smile a lot. Smiling is a form of conveying the emotion of happiness. But it’s also a tool to fool. To fool others into thinking you’re happy, that you’re a friendly person. To trick others into liking you. I want that. I want people to like me. I want friends, a lot a lot of them. The hurt of abandonment never left me one bit ever since the day I found out my parents weren’t my biological ones. Ever since then, all the security I used to feel under the warmth of my parents vanished, along with the genuineness in my smiles.

The only one person that still gives me a sense of security, is Luhan. He knows me inside out. We grew up together, from two kids playing with Lego bricks by the backyard, to two teenagers going to school together. But even though we are extremely close, never once was he able to completely tear down my walls of fear and uncertainty towards the world.

And that is because no one can. And so I want friends. It doesn’t matter anymore whether they are true ones or not. All that matters is that I have them. Because no one wants to feel left out. No one wants to feel like they were ditched.

I don’t want to be abandoned twice. It hurts. It hurts a lot.

•••••

The night passed in a blink of an eye and before I knew it, the next morning had awoken. Crawling out of my bed, I wash up and put on my school uniform. I look at myself in the mirror. Appearance is extremely important. I told myself. It is not necessarily focusing on looks only, but the way one presents themselves.

Keeping that in mind, I tuck out my uniform slightly and fold my skirt inwards such that it doesn’t droop over my knees. I comb my hair and tie it up into a high pony tail with a neon green band. I arrange my bangs such that it is neat but yet does not cover my eyes. Putting a layer of lip gloss on, I practice smiling at the mirror before grabbing my bag. I was ready to make friends.

Just as I am exiting the gates, a voice calls me back. “Jihae! Wait!” Luhan shouts. I watch as he stumbles to put on his shoes. His bag slung on his shoulder and his hair looks as though it hasn’t been brushed in weeks. Nothing has changed huh.

“Let me drive you to school!” Luhan offers.

“Nah. That would be weird.” I reject, already foreseeing what will happen if I had not.

“No! I must! I insist! Get into the car now!” Luhan insists with a stern expression. “NOW!” he growls when he sees me still standing there.

Reluctantly, I walk over to the red Mercedes that occupies the parking space beside my parent’s blue car. “That’s a good girl.” Luhan mimics a parental tone as he pats the top of my head, messing up my fringe which I desperately try to adjust throughout the entire car ride.  

Arriving at Seoul High School, he drops me off at the front gate before going to park his car at the nearby car park. “Bye Luhan!” I call out to him and wave my hand, almost regretting immediately.

“See ya soon sis! I love you!” Luhan says and makes a heart shape with his hands before driving off.  I roll my eyes and just wave back, ignoring the glares from people.

With my sunny personality, I manage to make a couple of friends. A girl named Miyoung, even offered to tour me around the school. “And this is our cafeteria, down the halls are our libraries.” She says with a cute smile. While, not so cute after her next question.

 Her eyes dodge around before asking “Are you very close with Luhan? I heard you came to school with him today.” Her friendly tone suddenly melts and the seriousness in her voice intensifies, as though she is trying to eat me up.

“You could say we’re pretty close. Well he is my brother.” I answer, knowing she probably isn’t expecting that as an answer.

“Oh.” Her angered expression dissolves instantly. “I didn’t know oppa had a sister! Well that makes us good friends then! See you around Jihyun!” Miyoung beams and she walks away.

“It’s Jihae.” I murmur under my breath.

That’s why I’m insecure. People are so realistic, getting close to you only for their hidden agendas. See how easy it is for someone that you may consider as a "friend" to suddenly treat you like an enemy and then their anger dissolves just as quickly as how it came. Things are unexpected, abandonment is unexpected. That’s how cruel it is. That’s life.

By lunch time, word has already gotten around that I am Luhan’s sister. Everyone started wanting to get close to me, especially the girls. I knew coming to school with him was the wrong decision. During break, I catch sight of Luhan, mixing around with his group of friends. I approach him slowly, hesitating a little when I see girls staring at Luhan as though there is no tomorrow.

He waves his friends away when he sees me. “Hey, I was almost eaten up by some of your fan-girls today.” I scoff in annoyance.  

“Really? Is it that sunmi girl? Or that daera person? Or was she daeyu?” Luhan chortles as I shake my head in disgust. I have absolutely no idea why girls are falling heads over heels for him. I mean, he is Luhan. But then I see his boyish smirk and for a moment I finally get it.

Perhaps to them, Luhan is this really masculine dude with that cute pouty baby face. But to me, Luhan is just a really childish boy that has a dorky yet nice personality. “Yea yea I see how popular you are Luhan, stop bragging.”

“Enlighten me will you? Why is it that I’m so good looking yet, you’re so ehem ehem.” Luhan jokes. I pretend to look angry and elbow him. The constant chuckle from Luhan indicates that he doesn’t realise I am faking a smile.  

Inwardly, I am thinking that’s because we’re not really siblings. But of course such things are only for one’s thought and not something that should be spoken aloud. “Bye see you at home!” I say and turn away from the still giggling Luhan.

I wasn’t looking when I turn and bang into something, or someone. The impact of the collision causes the boy’s worksheets to scatter all over the ground.

“Oh my gosh sorry!” I apologise and lean forward to help pick them up.