How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

***

Suzy scooted over closer towards Soojung and placed a pillow on her lap. She patted the pillow indicating for Soojung to rest her head against it. Soojung falls on top of the pillow with her cheek against it. “Tell me what happened,” Suzy said in a calm and sturdy voice, her fingers lacing themselves through Soojung’s brown locks.

“There’s nothing to tell you,” Soojung murmured into the pillow. “It’s as it is, I cheated on my boyfriend with his best friend.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.”

“I think you do,” Suzy said.

“I was angry at Jongin and Sehun was there. He told me he loved me and—”

“Sehun told you he loved you?” Suzy interrupted. She would’ve never guessed Soojung be anything like Sehun’s type. She wasn’t easy to put it simply.

Soojung paused to catch her breath and to recall the night it all happened. “No, he didn’t. He asked me if he had been the first one to my party that night would I have been with him instead of Jongin.”

“Would you?”

“Jongin was there for me when my parents weren’t. He was there at my weakest and I fell for him. Jongin never loved me, not really. I think we just dated simply for the fact that we needed someone to be with. My father had cut me off completely and well you disappeared.”

“What about Sehun?” There was desperation in her voice, she wanted to know.

“Sehun is just a friend, I don’t think of him like that. At least I wouldn’t and I definitely shouldn’t.”

“Soojung—” Suzy wanted to protest but the other girl cut her off. Climbing onto her elbows Soojung stared right into Suzy’s eyes and shook her head.

“We needed each other and the comfort he provided me felt very much like love. He must’ve felt the same for me. So we dated. Then you came back—” Soojung leaned back against the pillow, fatigue was beginning to settle in. It was almost ten at night and only the lamp with its orange glow lit up the room. Soojung could feel her lids getting heavy but she continued “He doesn’t need me anymore.”

“You know I would never do anything to hurt you,” Suzy extended her hand and squeezed Soojung’s shoulder.

Soojung shrugged, “I know, Suzy, never intentionally.”

Suzy furrowed her brows. Maybe she should’ve stayed in America. If she had maybe her mother would’ve given up on her father, maybe Jongin wouldn’t be so broken and maybe Soojung would still be happy.

“Jongin’s just a friend.” Suzy wanted to confirm her stance with Soojung with hopes that she’d take this piece of information to heart. Instead Soojung only replied with a simple nod that made Suzy frown.

“My father hasn’t spoken to me in almost six months now. It’s like I don’t exist to him. Whenever he’s home he’s always locked up in his study room. He doesn’t look at me when I greet him. I don’t know what I did wrong, Suzy.”

Suzy wished she could relate, she could barely look at her own father let alone hold a conversation with him. When she did all she could see was the lipstick stain on his cheek, and the goofy smile he once had for her mother. Suzy’s situation was inverse of Soojung’s, “I’m not talking to my father,” Suzy said. “I don’t want to look at him because of what he did to my mother. I know however, it’s not all his fault.” Soojung’s hand shifted towards her face, her finger swept away the single tear that had fallen onto her cheek. “Talk to him, maybe it’s not what you think it is. Hopefully he’s more willing than me.”

Soojung nodded, “Only if you’re there with me.”

“Every step of the way.” Suzy said and slid out of her bed, “But first we should sleep, there’s plenty of time to deal with this.” Suzy pulled out another set of pyjamas for Soojung to slip into. Suzy climbed back into the bed and slid underneath her blanket. She waited for Soojung to climb in before she settled down onto her pillow.

“Can we sleep with the lights on?” Soojung asked after she settled herself into bed.

“I usually do,” Suzy replied wearily and scooted closer towards Soojung.

***

Jongin woke up in a daze.

He couldn’t remember how he arrived to the hotel that night, he was more surprised to see Sehun sprawled out all over the couch as well only in his briefs and dress shirt. Jongin shuffled off the bed and stumbled over to the mini fridge in the room. He pulled out a bottle of water and drank half of it within seconds. He hadn’t realised how thirsty he was.

His head was beginning to throb and spin from the alcohol still in his system when he sat himself back down on his bed. He ran his head through his bed hair and made it worse. “Are you up?” Sehun asked from the couch. He was still lying down when Jongin looked over at him, his arm was used to shield his eyes.

“Yeah,” Jongin said, “You?”

It was a stupid question to ask considering that Sehun asked the question. “I asked you a question, didn’t I?” he clears his throat and slowly sits up. Jongin rolled his eyes “What happened last night?” Sehun grumbled

“I don’t really remember,” Jongin murmured.

“Good, that was the point.” Sehun climbed to his feet and made his way over to the mini fridge himself to grab a bottle of water.

“Hey, are we ok?”

“You tell me. Are you ok?” Sehun replied.

Jongin folded over, his elbows resting on his knees with his hands intertwined. “You kissed my girlfriend.”

Sehun responds with silence.

“Do you like her?”

“I care about her.”

“That’s not my question and you know it.”

Sehun let out a laugh but not one of social ease, “Please, me, like her? The only one who can deal with her royal highness is you. You know how I like my girls.” Sehun rolled his eyes and took another gulp of water to settle his stomach.

“Good face, hot bod and an IQ of 50,” Jongin teased.

“Apparently I do have a type.”

“Well you’ve upgraded haven’t you? You have Taeyeon.” Sehun made a sound with his throat which Jongin wasn’t sure what to interpret it as. “I want us to be ok again,” Jongin said finally.

“Are you going to tell Soojung that you know about what we did?”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“Maybe?” Sehun chortled, “You should sort out your problem with Soojung and with Suzy. Then sort out what you want from both relationships. Sweeping your relationship problems with Soojung under the rug and ignoring it won’t help. Trying to cut Suzy out of your life completely won’t help. You and I both know you have far too much history between you two to let that happen.”

“Maybe I should do what you do. Never settling for one woman.”

“Believe me, it’s not as easy as it seems, you have to have game,” Sehun deadpanned.

Jongin looked at Sehun and with a half-sigh and half-laugh he said, “Girls, am I right?”

Sehun rolled his eyes but smiled at Jongin.

***

It’s barely morning when Soojung awoke. It was rare for her to be up this morning when her head was swimming with guilt. She noticed how Suzy slumbered with her back against her and how she was curled up in a foetal position. Suzy’s eyebrows furrowed as she slept like she was having a bad dream. Soojung let out a sigh and turned her head towards the rising sun. Soojung turned over to the bedside table and reached for the top draw.

As she opened the draw a photo of them caught her eye. Soojung fished them out the pile of photos she had kept and flicked through them. She smiled when she found one of her and Suzy on their eighth birthday with their princess dresses. Soojung wore white and Suzy wore a pink dress. They had such toothy grins. There was one of the four of them during their first excursion. Sehun wearing a suit at the age of 10 was probably the most ridiculous thing she had seen in a long time.

Soojung fished out her phone and took a picture for safekeeping. She found more photos of them, so young and so innocent as they wrapped their arms around each other’s shoulders for photos. The last photo in the pile was of Jongin and Suzy just before Suzy disappeared, he had planted a kiss on her cheek much to her dismay that was apparent by her expression in the photo. Soojung couldn’t believe she hadn’t realised it before.

As Suzy stirred from her sleep Soojung hurriedly placed the photos back into the table. As she pulled out the draw a yellow bottle rolled out from behind. Soojung knitted her brows together and reached out for the bottle and read the label. They were prescribed pain medicines, but the bottle was almost empty. Soojung held it up against the sunlight and the morning sun shone right through sending fractured rays scattered all over the wall.

Suzy stirred again and Soojung carefully placed the bottle back into the draw beneath the photos. Soojung fell against her pillow and turned to Suzy who trembled from the cold. She pulled the blanket back over her body and Soojung begins to wonder if ignorance really was bliss.

Just as Soojung settled back into her pillow her phone rang.

Suzy awoke to the sound of Soojung’s voice. “Mum,” Soojung said into the phone.

“Where were you last night?” Soojung’s mother’s voice was laced with annoyance and concern. “I waited up all night for you.”

“Mum, you know I was going to a benefit,” Soojung sounded confused.

“Did you stay over Jongin’s place again?”

“No, I stayed over Suzy’s house.” Soojung turned her head to greet Suzy who stared at her with wide eyes and a supportive smile. Soojung reached out her head and patted Suzy on her head. “Did you need something?” she asked, slivers of annoyance creeping into her voice.

“Come home for dinner tonight.”

“Tonight? Why?”

“We have something to discuss with you.”

“We?”

“Soojung, are you listening to me? Your father and I have something to talk about.”

Soojung’s grip tightened on her phone and the bed sheets. Suzy watched on curiously, examining how her expression changed through the conversation and how she knitted her eyebrows together.

“I’ll try to be home tonight.”

“Try? Soojung!” Soojung’s mother shrieked into the phone.

“I’ll be there.” Soojung said and hung up her phone and let out a huff, “Sorry I woke you.”

“No, that’s ok,” Suzy reassured her and reached out for her hand. “Are you ok?”

“Mum wants to have dinner tonight, a family one.”

“That’s great! You’ll have a chance to speak with your father.”

Soojung shook her head, “Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.”

Suzy smiled and sat up from the bed. “Nothing’s going to happen, I promise.”

Soojung squeezed Suzy’s hand slightly to make sure that she was real. She let out a sigh and a smile and Soojung hoped that Suzy was right this time.

“So how about we grab some breakfast?” Suzy asked with a lopsided grin.

***

There are about 10 cafes within the vicinity of their house and so it’s a surprise when Suzy notices Sehun and Jongin walking in with shades over their eyes and furrows in their brows. Suzy doesn’t need to wave them over because Sehun notices her staring and walks over. Sehun slides in booth next to Suzy and Jongin slides in next to Soojung. “Good morning, ladies,” Sehun smiled. He ordered a plate of waffles with maple bacon and eggs and a large coffee, black with two sugars and Jongin did the same.

“What happened to you last night?” Suzy smirked, stabbing into her avocado and eggs.

Sehun smirked, “Gentlemen’s agreement, I’m not telling you anything,” Sehun pulled off his sunglasses and stared at her with bloodshot eyes.

“You got drunk last night and this is your walk of shame,” Suzy retorted.

“We just wanted breakfast and what about you two?”

“Us?” Suzy looked at Soojung, “We had a sleep over.” Sehun’s lips lifted on one side and he flashes Suzy his arrogant smirk. Suzy rolled her eyes “You’ve known us since you were nine, does that not creep you out?”

“Just like old times,” Sehun smiled.

“Whatever,” Suzy grumbled and Jongin and Soojung laugh.

There’s a lull in their conversation and the seemingly comfortable silence doesn’t seem all that comfortable. There’s a lot of fork clanging with plates and food being mashed all over. Well except for Sehun who cuts his waffles into small bites which is normal compared to how he likes to eat his pizza. “So,” Suzy finally speaks up, “Plans for tonight?”

“Were you thinking of something?” Sehun asked.

“Nope, school tomorrow, I’d rather not appear like how you looked before. Plus Soojung has dinner with her parents tonight.”

Jongin and Sehun’s jaws dropped, “Really?” Jongin asked.

“What did you do, Jung Soojung?” Sehun teased.

Soojung smiled and rolled her eyes at Sehun, “Mum called, she wants us to have a family dinner. There’s something they wanted to talk about.”

Jongin wraps his arm around her shoulder and kisses her temple, “Good for you.” He squeezes her shoulder gently with his arm. There’s a peace that settles in and the sun light brushes over all four of them in that moment. Suzy feels the warmth as she watches her friends all with smiles on their faces despite the dark rings beneath their eyes. She doesn’t think about how this feels eerily like the calm before the storm. She embraces the moment for what it is. Moments like these were rare for them of late.

***

“I’ll take Soojung home since her place is closer to mine,” Sehun offered, “And well, you two kids live next to each other.”

“I have my own car, I can take—”

“Yes, you can take Jongin home.” Sehun smiled sheepishly at Suzy who only rolled her eyes at him.

“But Soojung left some of her stuff at my place.”

“You can drop it off for her.”

“But she—” Suzy tries to protest but Soojung cuts her off.

“It’s ok, just drop it off later for me,” Soojung smiles and Suzy nods reluctantly.

Sehun helped Soojung into the car and gave Jongin a reassuring pat on the back. The look he exchanged was a knowing one and Jongin smiled briefly. “I’ll call you later,” Jongin squeezed Soojung’s hand and she nodded. Sehun climbed into the back seat of his car and Suzy and Jongin watched as Sehun’s limo pulled away and drove off.

“My car’s that way,” Suzy shook her keys in front of Jongin’s face and he nodded. He walked two steps behind her, careful to keep his distance. Suzy flicked through her phone mindlessly to look like she was occupied. It was hard to ignore the pair of eyes staring at the back of her. It’s not that long of a walk to the car park Suzy remembers, but for some reason it feels a lot longer with Jongin nearby. It doesn’t help that she’s suddenly forgotten which level she’s parked the car on.

“Suzy?” Jongin asked.

“Yeah?”

“Do you remember where you parked your car?”

There’s a furrow in her brow and Suzy swears that her car was there a moment ago. She scratches the back of her head nervously and grins. Jongin rolls his eye and snatches her keys from her, he walks down the strip from car to car, each of them looking the same from the last one. The car park was packed and it was barely noon.

“It’s my mini!” Suzy shouts and chases after him.

“You haven’t changed, have you?” Jongin deadpanned, “Still as clumsy as ever.”

“I’m not clumsy!” Suzy protested, “Just a bit forgetful lately. Look I’m pretty sure it was this level,” she huffs.

Jongin presses the lock on her keys and after the fifth attempt they see a flash and hear the sound of doors unlocking. “There!” Jongin shouted and pointed as the two ran over to Suzy’s humble mini cooper. Humble compared to the Range Rovers that they owned but never drove.

Suzy slides into the driver’s seat and Jongin takes the passenger seat beside her. The car is small enough so that he’s close enough to her to accidentally graze her arm when he’s putting on his seatbelt.

“This is weird,” Jongin says and looks nervously over at her, “I’ve never been in the car with you driving.” The car stalls for a bit and there’s a bit of a hiccup when she reverses and Jongin grips onto the door for dear life. “I’m still young.”

“Shut up!” Suzy rolled her eyes and punched him in the shoulder.

“Both hands on the wheel!” Jongin shouted and laughed. It was the only way he knew how to relieve the tension between them. He had hoped that his laughter would make up for the silence that surrounded them.

Suzy eased into her seat and wrapped her hand around the wheel twisting it awkwardly as they waited at the red light. “Hey Jongin,” Suzy kept her eyes square on the road. They had been driving for five minutes with the radio on low.

“That’s a first,” Jongin deadpanned.

Suzy brushed off his comment “I’m sorry.”

“I know,” Jongin smiled and Suzy turned to him with wide eyes. “I’m sorry too. Whatever reason you left I have no right to force it out of you. I’ve been a pretty bad friend too, I’m sorry.”

“Trust you to steal my thunder, Kim Jongin,” Suzy gave him a lopsided grin, “But I’m sorry for taking you for granted. I just always assumed you were going to be around and to not be able to talk to you really made me realise how much I missed you, us.”

“Now if you had told me this earlier we wouldn’t of have had to go this far.”

“Shut up,” Suzy chuckled. “I am glad you took my advice that night and made up with Soojung.”

Jongin pressed his lip into a straight line, “When did you grow up on me, Suzy?”

He tousled her hair slightly and Suzy slightly ducks and pushes him away playfully like they were seven all over again. It’s not an immediate relief like Suzy had thought it would be. But it felt easier, like a crack in the wall in a room with no windows or doors which let her breathe just a little bit easier.

***

“So when did you want to talk about the other night? Now or another time?” Sehun asked with his eyes fixed on his hands. They had been sitting in the back of his limo for a good ten minutes before Sehun had spoken.

“What’s there to talk about? I was upset with Jongin, so I kissed you.”

“So you used me?”

“What other way is there to explain it? I’m still in a relationship with Jongin.”

“A happy one, I’ll bet,” Sehun said sarcastically.

“We have our ups and downs, we’re working on it.”

“For how much longer?”

“I don’t appreciate you undermining my relationship.”

“I don’t need to when you do it yourself.”

“Oh grow up, Sehun.” Soojung crosses her arm and turns her head to the other side, she was having none of this. Soojung lets out a disgruntled noise. “You know, just when I thought we were beyond our indifferences. Seeing you with Suzy made me think that you had changed for the better. I was wrong. That or at least you tend to treat me very differently to the way you treat her.”

“Maybe it’s because she hasn’t used me like you did.”

“So what? Are you using her?” Soojung snapped her head towards Sehun. “When did you and Suzy become best friends? It’s pretty convenient that you tell me you like me—”

“Woah, when did I say that?”Sehun raised his hand in the air like he had nothing to hide.

“We all know where you were going when you asked.”

Sehun rolled his eyes, “As angry as you were with Jongin that night so was I, probably even more so. Don’t think of it as anything else.”

“So you used me as well? To get back at Jongin.”

“Apparently that’s what we do to each other.” Sehun rolled his eyes and bit his tongue. He doesn’t want to let her know how hurt he feels. That’s too much power for one person let alone that person being Jung Soojung. “Whatever,” Sehun mumbled beneath his breath, just as the car pulls up to the front of her house.

Soojung doesn’t bother to say goodbye to Sehun. She thanked his chauffeur and hopped out of the car whilst slamming it behind her.

“Home now, young master?”

“Yeah.”

***

Soojung is greeted by Yoochun’s face before she even has the time to press the door bell. “Your mother has been worried about you,” he said in a soft by stern voice.

“Save the lectures, Yoochun, she called this morning to let me know how worried she was already.” Soojung hands him her coat and bag and drags her feet across the floor. “What’s for dinner tonight?”

“You know how your father is very traditional.” Soojung frowned at the mention of her father. “I thought this is what you wanted? Didn’t you want to speak to your father?”

“I feel uneasy, Yoochun, I’m going to rest up in my room. Please call me when dinner is ready.”

Yoochun smiles and pats Soojung on the head, “Sure, go rest up.”

It feels like a long walk up the stairs when she’s so tired. The conversation with Sehun had her feeling depleted and confused. She had felt bad for the boy who always argued and fought with her. It was wrong of her to use him though but it was wrong of him to use her to but the kiss they shared told her otherwise. Soojung shook her head of all the bad thoughts and fell onto her sheets.

Then she remembered something pertaining to a yellow pill bottle she found in Suzy’s draw and Soojung wondered whether or not she should ask Suzy about it. It could’ve been an old bottle for all she knew. Just because it was there it didn’t mean that Suzy was taking it. Then she remembered at few weeks ago at the house party where she had overhead Jongin and Suzy. “What did you take?” Jongin asked, carefully observing her facial expressions.

There were so many things to consider and Soojung wondered when it was that everyone grew up and started having problems of their own. She wondered when it was that she became an outsider to her friends, especially Suzy whose secrets she knew of the most.

There’s a knock at the door and Soojung just realises that the sun has set behind the horizon already and her room was being slowly consumed by the darkness. “Soojung, it’s time for dinner.” It was Yoochun telling her to come down and Soojung felt her heart skip a beat and sink into her stomach.

She glanced at her phone quickly and saw a message Suzy sent an hour ago. ‘Good luck with dinner tonight, I’ll drop by later to hand you your stuff.’ Soojung feels a bit lighter and takes in a few deep breaths. Slipping into her comfortable slippers she makes her way downstairs.

“You couldn’t of have had dressed up a bit better?” Yoochun tries to lighten up the air when he notices how tense Soojung’s face was.

Soojung glares at him and the older male side steps away from her and grins sheepishly as he watched her saunter into the dining room. She’s the first one there and she takes her place on the left side of the table. Her mother always sat opposite her which left space for her father at the head of the table. Soojung nervously flicks through her phone and contemplates whether she should call someone, Suzy or Jongin even Sehun so he could yell at her again. At least then she wouldn’t be so absorbed in wondering why her parents wanted her home for dinner.

“Mum, Dad!” Soojung exclaimed and stood up from her seat. The two arrived at the same time with stoic faces. They looked as if they had been talking.

“Soojung, sit down,” her mother said with a brief but fatigued smile. Soojung buys the façade and eases into her seat.

“We haven’t had dinner together in such a long time!”

There’s no response from either parents but they settle down at their seats and dinner is brought out. It’s as traditional as it gets with plates of kimchi cut out squarely beside a delicate plate of meat and plenty of side dishes around it. Soojung presses her lips into a thin line and reaches for the chopsticks first. She picks up the meat with her chopsticks and places a piece on her father’s bowl. “Eat up, Daddy.”

His grip on his bowl tightened and he forced a smile. “Thank you, Soojung.” Soojung ignores how cold and hollow his voice is in favour of being acknowledged by him for the first time in a while.

“So how was your day today? Mum, Dad?” Soojung asked enthusiastically.

There’s silence until her mother speaks up, “Good. How’s school? How is Suzy, Jongin and Sehun?”

Soojung nods, “School is good, we have a parent teacher conference soon. Suzy’s settling into Seoul again and Jongin and Sehun are ok, they’re boys they’ll be fine.” Soojung smiled and took another bite of her dinner. She notices how her father keeps asking for Yoochun to refill his wine when his cup was full a moment ago. Her mother is resisting the urge to do the same with her cup as well.

“Is the wine that good?” Soojung asked, “Or are you trying to avoid telling me the real reason why we’re having this dinner?”

Her parents stopped eating and turned their heads towards each other exchanging glances. “Soojung, darling,” her mother says and placed down her bowl. “I want you to know that we both love and care for you a lot…” her mother’s voice trailed off and Soojung is so concentrated on hearing the news that she doesn’t hear how the kitchen staff were cleaning up inside or how the door bell rings.

“Mum!” Soojung is frustrated with the excuses and the lingering.

“Your mother and I, we’re getting a divorce.”

Soojung feels the food in her stomach clawing up in the form of bitter bile. “Sorry?” she asked unsure if she heard correctly.

“Sometimes it just doesn’t work out that way.” Her mother tries to reassure her and Soojung doesn’t hear anything else but a few random words.

“I’ll be moving out, you can stay here with your mother.”

“Who did it? Who was in the wrong?” Soojung asks and stares at her parents square in the eyes. “I want you to be honest with me.”

Her father is about to protest, but her mother speaks up “I cheated on your father.”

“With who?”

“It was a long time ago darling,” her mother said with a feeble sigh.

“How long ago?”

They hesitate and again and Soojung grips tight onto her glass of wine. “Sixteen years ago.”

Soojung pushes out from her seat and looks up at Suzy who’s standing behind her mother gobsmacked. The room moves, or at least it feels like it does and its spinning, slow and steady around her and slipping from her feet. She tried to breathe but it just makes feel tighter and her stomach grumbles and churns, she knows she’s going to be sick. She runs past her parents, past Yoochun and grabs onto Suzy. Without looking at her Soojung asks in a low voice, “Did you drive here?” her nails are digging into Suzy’s skin, fighting to hold herself upright. Neither girls react, they’re still too shocked.

Suzy nodded when she noticed her parents were moving from their seats. She wrapped her arm protectively around Soojung’s shoulders. “Where did you want to go?” Suzy carried Soojung’s weight and walked out of the door with her, she didn’t know when they’d be back.

***

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright

Thanks for reading, if you enjoyed it please leave a comment.
If you have any questions about the fic or you're confused feel free to ask me HERE
xo