We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

***

She felt a peace she hadn’t felt in a while as she slipped into the water. Like soft waves they swept over her and eased her aching body. Suzy held her breath and voices began to creep into her mind as she slipped under.

***

Suzy is about seven and she’s just celebrating her birthday.

“Happy Birthday,” her parents said as her father whisked her into the air. He handed her a thick book that was hand bound with a lovely red cover and Suzy opened it eagerly.

“The light of our lives, our daughter, Bae Suzy,” Suzy read out loud and smiled proudly.

“Thanks dad, thanks mum,” Suzy said and hugged her father and mother with her short arms.

They laughed and her father tousled her hair, “What would I do without you?”

***

Jongin is nine and Suzy is still eight and they play fighting games with Sehun whenever he comes over. “I’ll protect you!” Jongin shouts in a faux masculine voice like he had learnt from watching all those super hero movies. He throws his body in front of her but of course he misses completely and Sehun lands a shot on her body.

“I wish Soojung wasn’t on holidays with her parents,” she pressed her lips into a thin line, “You boys are too violent.”

Sehun shrugs “You girls are just weak.”

“I wouldn’t say that Sehun!” Jongin said and tried to calm Suzy down. “Don’t listen to him.”

“I can show you how strong I am Oh Sehun!” Suzy shouted.

“Bring it on Bae Suzy! But you’re just a girl!” Sehun laughed.

Jongin shrugged his shoulders as the two continued to shout over the top of each other. “My life would be so boring without the both of you,” he said, “We’ll settle this with a game of arm wrestling!”

***

They’re about thirteen when Soojung comes for a sleepover like she usually does. Except tonight its midnight and they’ve snuck out onto the porch for some star gazing. “Hey Suzy,” Soojung whispered, “When we grow older lets live together.” Suzy looked at her friend and laughed which Soojung took the wrong way. “What’s so funny? You’re living with Jongin 24/7 and he’s a boy why won’t you live with me?”

“I’m not living with Jongin!” Suzy argued defensively, “It’s just because he’s my neighbour.”

“What about me?” Soojung asked.

“You’re my sister, I’d pick you over any dumb boy any day.”

Soojung smirked, “We’ll be like Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. We’ll live in an apartment block by ourselves and meet new people. Maybe we’ll even meet a handsome writer who lives upstairs.”

Suzy laughs at how wild Soojung’s imagination is but she accepts it and she loves her for it. “I didn’t know you were into writers,” Suzy teases.

“I’m into romance, Suzy,” Soojung replies.

“Whatever you want Soojung,” Suzy chuckled.

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

***

“It’s that secretary isn’t it,” Suzy hears her mother’s voice through the crack of the door. “That’s why you’ve been working so late.”

“Why do we bother anymore?” her father’s voice sounded exhausted. “It’s obvious how much we resent each other and yet every day we’re in the exact situation.”

“If you leave us, I take Suzy,” Jihyun’s voice came out strong and threatening. “I’ll take her and move to another country. We’ll leave you behind and you’ll lose your daughter for good.”

“She’s a teenager, she can make her own decisions,” Doojoon’s voice was steady.

“And what decision do you think she’ll make when she finds out her father is cheating on her mother? You’re the one in the wrong here. Not me.”

Suzy closes her eyes and takes a deep breath.

“You’re not going to take my child away from me again, I won’t let you.”

“Then I guess you’ll have to stay.”

***

Suzy didn’t know when it was that she became the reason for everything bad in her loved one’s lives. She hated how her parents fought over like she was their property, using her as a bargaining chip for their personal gains. She didn’t like how she became the wedge between Sehun and Jongin. She didn’t know when she became the person who couldn’t keep promises and who kept lying to her best friend, her sister.

Death was cheating and Suzy wasn’t a coward. She was just tired, she needed a reset but she just didn’t know how to get it anymore. “Bae Suzy!” she heard Soojung’s voice from afar calling out to her but she couldn’t wake up.

***

Soojung pulled her out of the bathtub whilst drenching her clothes in the process. She quickly checked for a pulse and immediately began administering CPR. She pressed on her chest and attempted to give her the kiss of life. Jongin, Sehun and Eunsang rushed upstairs quickly upon hearing Soojung cry out loud. Sehun rushed over to help Soojung, but Jongin stood at the door frozen. He looked at how her body was rested on the cold tile floor, how Soojung was calling for her to come back and Sehun was hovering protectively over her body. “Jongin!” Sehun shouted “Call for the ambulance!” Eunsang watches over him and when he doesn’t move she pushes him aside and searches for the house phone to call. 

Sehun applies the chest compression whilst Soojung helps her breathe. She wasn’t sure how long Suzy had been under for but it couldn’t of have had been long, her body was still warm. “If you die I’m going to be very angry at you,” Soojung said between gasps of air. It would be another promise that Suzy broke, a bright future shattered and there was no way Soojung was going to let that happen.

Soojung pushed Sehun out of the way and clenched her fist tight, she slammed on her best friend’s chest. A few broken bones can heal, a dead person can’t be resurrected Soojung told herself this as she slammed her fist once more. Suzy coughed, water sputtering out of as she curled over into Soojung’s lap. Sehun reached for a towel and wrapped it securely around her body.

Suzy curled up in her friend’s lap, tears streaming from her eyes, tears streaming from all of their eyes. As they all breathed a sigh of relief Sehun and Soojung wrapped a robe around her body. Sehun kissed the crown of her head and sighed, “You’re going to be ok,” he said and pulled her body closer to his.

***

Despite her protests Suzy ends up in hospital attached to IV bags and breathing tubes. She’s sleeping now after the doctors ensured that anything toxic was out of her system. Soojung collapsed into Sehun’s arms from fatigue, “I’ll take you home, Jongin’s going to stay here to look after her.”

Soojung clutched onto Sehun’s arm tightly as they walked out of the hospital together. Jongin sat on the chair and stared at her lifeless body. He would’ve never thought he’d see her in this situation.

***

Jongin was fourteen when he ended up in hospital with a broken arm. They were being boys, messing about with heights and weird stunts when Jongin landed awkwardly on his arm. His mother and father had finished lecturing him and he’s expecting one from the honourable Bae Suzy, but she doesn’t say anything when she comes into see him. She sits on the couch for a moment in silence which is more torturous for Jongin. He’d rather her yell at him that to remain quiet. She sits with her book in her hand and skims through it.

“Come on, just say it already.”

“Say what?” Suzy asked without taking her eyes off her book.

“How stupid I was being.”

“You were stupid.”

“And…?” Jongin prompted for further criticism.

“Are you ok?” she sighed as she dropped her book into her lap, “Does it hurt?”

Jongin knitted his eyebrows together, “What? That’s all?”

“You seem fine,” Suzy smiled and picked up her book again and flicked through.

“Are you ok? Where’s Bae Suzy and what did you do with the real Suzy?” There was a tinge of concern in Jongin’s voice as Suzy lowered her book and sauntered over to him. She smirked, as she leaned in.

“I killed her and dumped her body under a bridge.”

“You’re sick,” Jongin pushed her face away.

Suzy laughed and pushed his leg aside whilst helping herself onto the bed. She looked at the cast on his arm and smirked, pulled out a sharpie she had kept in her pocket and told him to extend his arm.

‘Kim Jongin is an idiot ♥ Bae Suzy’ she signed the cast and smirked, “Now you’ll never forget and I don’t need to tell you 24/7.”

Jongin rolled his eyes, “I hope you never do anything this stupid.”

“I’m a girl, we’re quite an intelligent gender,” Suzy laughed whole heartedly and her lively laugh echoed in his ear.

Jongin wanted that Suzy back.

***

Suzy woke up with a sore throat and a hell of a headache. The sun was already sinking into the horizon. She noticed Jongin with a magazine in his hand, turning the pages slowly as the sun light melted over his shoulder. Like a halo, like some heavenly being and Suzy wondered if she was dead. She shuffled her blanket around which caught his attention. “Hey,” Jongin said wearily and made his way over to her side, “How do you feel?”

He doesn’t want to blame her for being so reckless because he knows that it’s not her fault. Suzy smiled, “Like I died and just came back.” It’s too soon to joke about it but it’s the only way Suzy knows how to combat with what had just happened. 

“Ok, I’ll get the nurses,” Jongin says but Suzy stops him.

“Jongin, I’m fine, really,” Suzy winces from the pain in her chest. Jongin tensed at the sight and reached out of the button beside her bed when Suzy grabbed his wrist. “I didn’t mean to do it, I heard you calling for me, all of you. I was fighting to come back.” She coughs once and eases back into the bed but it doesn’t make Jongin feel any better but he too eases backwards.

“That’s fine, Suzy,” Jongin says impassively, which causes the hairs on Suzy’s arm to stand up.

To say that Jongin never got upset or angry would be a lie. However, it would only be the second time Suzy had ever been so frightened of the way Jongin acted towards her. At least when he was angry Suzy knew it was because he cared. But the Jongin that stood in front of her had no warmth to his eyes, or his tone of voice. He was cold, disconnected, gone.

“What you’re not going to call me an idiot?” Suzy mimicked Jongin’s voice to the best of her ability before chuckling at herself.

Jongin sighed, “I’ll get the nurse now,” he says and offered her a smile, empty and sad.

Suzy couldn’t blame Jongin for feeling the way he did. It wasn’t his fault. It was a case of bad timing, Jongin and Suzy were a terrible case of bad timing.

***

Jongin goes for fresh baguettes and warm coffee so he misses Soojung returning. Suzy’s sleeping when her eyes open to see her best friend hunched over her. “Oh great,” Soojung smirked, “You’re alive. I was getting afraid I’d have to apply CPR again.”

Suzy let out a hollow laugh and coughed. She sat up and noticed how Soojung’s eyes were filled with worry like they’ve been of late when they look at her so she looks away. Suzy wants to look at anything that doesn’t remind of how she woke up on the floor with Soojung screaming and crying at her and Sehun and Jongin staring at her body. She runs her hand up the sleeve of her hospital gown and braces herself.

“Why’d you do it?” Soojung asks. Trust the tiny girl to ask the hard hitting questions, Suzy was hardly surprised by Soojung’s forwardness.

“It was an accident, I fell asleep,” she says wearily and Suzy can’t seem to look Soojung in the eyes.

“Really, Suzy?” Soojung sounds sceptical and slightly hysterical. “Because I didn’t just spend the last 24 hours running across Korea to look for you, wondering if you were dead in a ditch somewhere or that you were being abused and locked up somewhere we’d never see you again. Then you come home drugged up and I find you lying underneath a body of water. Now you’re telling me that it was an accident?”

Suzy hated it when they fought and they seemed to be fighting a lot more of late. She hangs her head low and stares at the couch opposite her hospital bed. “I don’t know what else to tell you.”

“Tell me that you’ll fight this, tell me that you’ll talk to at least someone who can help you if you won’t talk to me.” Soojung sighed and sat down on the bed beside Suzy, she reached out for her hand and squeezed it gently, before she admitted “I was so scared we were going to lose you.”

“How do I talk to you if you’re in another country?”

“We don’t live in the stone ages Suzy.”

Guilt fills her up, and Suzy meets Soojung’s eyes for the first time. The other girl swoops in for a hug and there’s something about Suzy’s warmth that gives Soojung some form of validation, it wasn’t over, it was far from being over. “I’m so sorry,” Suzy whispered into her hair.

“We’ll get through this,” Soojung says and her hair.

“How do you know?”

“I just do,” Soojung pulls away and wipes her tears, “Promise me, Suzy, you’ll tell someone about this.”

She nods her head and smiles, “I heard you, by the way.”

Soojung looks at her with wide eyes, “What?”

“When I was under, I heard you calling me…” Suzy smiled, “And cursing me and I knew that if I was to go out this way you’d find a way to come and murder me again even though I was already dead.”

Soojung grabs onto her hand and Suzy squeezes back, her best friend, her sister, there was no one else she’d rather have beside her. “We’re going to fight this together,” Soojung says and they smile. Even though they’re not entirely sure how they were going to do it.

Jongin stands at the door with his back against the wall. From where he stood be could see Soojung and Suzy smiling and embracing each other. He clenched his fist and buried it into his pocket before forcing a smile on his lips as he brought food in.

***

“I was hoping I’d never see you in this state,” Sehun brings her flowers, peonies, her favourite and places it down on the table. He gives her a brief hug and pulls the seat closer to her bed. “How are you feeling?”

“Better,” Suzy says and leans back against my pillow. “I’d never thought I’d be so relieved to see you.”

“So am I number three for the day?”

“Yup, my mother hasn’t come yet, nor has my father and I highly doubt they’re coming anytime soon.”

“Where’s Jongin?”

“I sent him home with Soojung,” Suzy smiles, “They needed some rest.”

“Yeah, we were up looking for you for a few hours without sleep. I’m surprised I didn’t run anyone over with the lack of sleep.”

There’s no judgement in Sehun’s voice, no pain, no sadness and Suzy needed that. She was grateful that she had Soojung to yell at her, for Jongin to comfort her and for Sehun for simply not reiterating what the other two had already said. “Thanks for looking for me, I’m sorry,” Suzy says regardless.

“Don’t be, we do stupid things once in a while. Nobody in this group is perfect, we do a better job at hiding it though,” Sehun says playfully which makes Suzy feel bemused.

“You’re just lucky you have no one as nosy as you or else you wouldn’t even be able to keep a secret.”

Sehun nods, “I’m quite the detective.” They laugh in unison, it felt like that time Suzy was in the hospital with him all those months ago when her mother had gotten into an accident, comfortable, peaceful. “Did they tell you when you could leave?”

“I’ll be discharged tomorrow morning,” she says with relief in her voice.

“Want me to pick you up?”

“Your house is quite far from the hospital, I’ll just get…”

“Jongin?” Sehun asks which makes Suzy tense up. Sehun holds his gaze for a second before he laughs, “I’m just kidding. I have no idea what’s going on there and I’m not sure I want to know.”

Suzy rolls her eyes, “That’s a first for a nosy body like you.”

“Sometimes you’ve just got to let relationships run its course. If it works it works, if it’s not then maybe you weren’t meant to be.”

“Oh Sehun,” Suzy says with a high pitched voice. It was the tone of disbelief and shock but the boy who doesn’t believe in relationships having a change of heart? She couldn’t believe it.

“Surprised aren’t you? I’ve been doing a little soul searching.”

“Really? Where?”

Sehun smiles, “I’m going to tell you something, only you know for now so don’t tell anyone.”

Suzy perks up at the thought of knowing a secret, a secret from Oh Sehun who was always shrouded in mystery, at least that’s what the girls all said. “What is it? Is it about a girl?” Suzy teases and Sehun rolls his eyes.

“Yes,” he says gleefully and Suzy’s heart sinks, that wasn’t what she wanted to hear, not really.

“This isn’t a secret, I know you’ve got plenty of girls.”

“This one is different.”

“You said that about that singer, look what happened.” Suzy crossed her arm and pouted, which made Sehun laugh.

“She’s different, Suzy, trust me,” there’s this steadiness in Sehun’s voice that gives Suzy confidence in what he was saying.

“Where’d you meet her?”

“Remember when I disappeared a few weeks ago?”

“Yeah?”

“I was sort of spending time with her.”

“Spending time with her…?” Suzy asks whilst suspiciously eyeing Sehun.

“Get your mind out of the gutter Bae Suzy,” Sehun leans in and prods her slightly and Suzy swats him off playfully. “She volunteers at the church where I was dropped off as a child.”

“Like a nun? Did you make a nun break her vow? I knew you were the devil, Oh Sehun!”

“She’s not a nun!” Sehun rolled his eyes.

“And?”

Sehun laughs, “And what?”

“What’s her name? What does she do? Where is she from?”

Sehun opens his mouth as if to speak but he glances at the door and he loses his thoughts. “Mum?” Suzy asks as her mother scoops her up into her arm and kisses her forehead. She was weeping loudly and almost hysterically as she scolded Suzy for being so reckless. Like she was one to give advice. Sehun gives Suzy a reassuring smile and takes a step outside, giving them privacy.

***

Jihyun fusses over Suzy from the moment she enters the room. Caressing her cheeks, checking for any external injuries. “I was afraid I’d lost you,” she kissed her forehead before sitting down. It was odd, Suzy thought, about how her mother was acting. She’s warm, so tender and so different from her usual demure.

“I’m fine, mum,” Suzy tries not to sound so disconnected but she knew that Jihyun was hiding something up her sleeve. So she tries not to take her mother’s actions to heart, no matter how kind they were.

“I called your father, he’ll be here soon.”

Of course, Suzy laughed to herself, of course she would use her as an excuse to see her husband. “Mum, I don’t want to see him,” Suzy pleaded, hoping the near death experience was enough to warrant her this request. “I’m tired.”

“He’s your father, Suzy,” Jihyun says calmly, “Why don’t you want us to be a family?”

Suzy furrowed her eyebrows, “Mum,” she says sternly, “He cheated on you. Why do you keep going back to a man who doesn’t love you? He doesn’t love us.”

“He loves you, Suzy.”

“Mum, please, just because your tone has changed doesn’t mean I don’t know what you’re going to say to me. He loves me, except he never makes the conscious effort to see me. He loves me, but he can’t even leave that secretary for me. He loves me…”

“Suzy,” Jihyun grips onto her hand tight but the words don’t come out. “Rest up, I’ll tell him not to come.”

“Thanks…Mum,” Suzy says and Jihyun kisses her temple before standing up. “Hey, mum,” Suzy says, “I just remembered something. When I was thirteen I overheard you and dad fighting.” Suzy see could see her body tense up. “I heard D-… him say to you that you weren’t going to take his child away from him again, what did he mean?”

Jihyun stammers, “A-are you sure that’s what you heard?”

“I’m not sure, maybe my memory is acting up from oxygen deprivation.”

Jihyun smiles and squeezes her hand gently, “Go to sleep, rest,” she says.

Jihyun tucks her in gently, and Suzy sees something in her mother’s eyes that she had never seen before. Sadness, guilt, something ominous she felt as her mother kissed her one more time.

***

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Thank you all for reading. I hope you enjoy and please leave a comment.
xo