Sunlight comes creeping in
Illuminates our skin
We watch the day go by
Stories of all we did

***

(2013)

America would provide Suzy with a cloak of anonymity. For the most part no one knew he she was. Being Korea’s sweetheart didn’t mean anything in America, and if it did no one led on. For the first time in a while Suzy managed to experience the freedom she had so desperately craved.  There was no one there to tell her that she had too much make up on, to not dress a certain way, talk a certain way and act a certain way. Suzy in fact for the first time felt normal and happy to be feeling like that.

It wasn’t hard to make friends for her, and Ara was already the first. The older girl upon finding out that her little brother’s best friend had moved overseas took it upon herself to guide the younger girl around. Not that it would’ve been hard, Suzy believed, but having Ara there made everything a lot easier. That was until the nightmares started kicking in.

It’s hard to prescribe a cure when you don’t know the cause of it. At least Suzy would never let up. Despite offers to visit therapists Suzy had declined them all. They prescribed her with sleeping pills to help her rest. Assuming that it was the stress of settling in that had gotten to her. Homesickness, stress, they had ruled out everything that they could with the information Suzy had given them but they were never right.

It didn’t matter though when the medicine was beginning to work. One pill a night was all Suzy needed to fall asleep. She had genuinely believed that they had found a solution.

***

(2015)

“Bae Suzy?” Suzy glances up at the disembodied voice emerging from the darkness to greet her. “Your bail has been paid.” Suzy rolled her eyes, stood up from her seat and dusted off the dirt on her skirt.

In silence Suzy follows the police officer out of the holding cell where she was greeted by three faces, two of which she had so desperately wished not to see. “Suzy!” Jihyun shouted as she saw her daughter walking her way. She rushed over to her girl and pulled her in for a quick embrace that Suzy quickly broke off.

“What are you doing here?” she asks, much to her dismay.

“What do you mean what am I doing here?” Jihyun almost shrieks in disbelief, “I am your mother!”

Suzy glances over her shoulder at Jongin who is avoiding her gaze and her father with disappointment in his eyes. Suzy rolls her eyes, “I only called one person,” Suzy brushed past Jihyun and out towards the door. “I don’t need the both of you.”

“Suzy!” Doojoon calls out to her. It had been so long since Suzy had heard her father call her by her name. It had been so long since they’ve last spoken or even stood in the same room as each other.

She stops in her tracks and turns on her heels. Suzy rolls her eyes and crosses her arms as she taps her foot impatiently. “What?” she snaps.

“What?” her father asks in disbelief. “I just bailed my daughter out of prison for drug possession!”

“There was a misunderstanding. It was for misdemeanour and no one asked you to be here. The last I checked I called Jongin to help me. I didn’t call any of you!” Suzy lets out a hysterical laugh, “But I’m sorry, father, if I disturbed your time with your mistress,” she curtsied and her heels marching straight for the car.

“Do not speak to your father in that matter!” Jihyun butts in and chases after her, grabbing her by the arm and flinging her back around to face her.

By now they had managed to garner a few eyes on them. Everyone curiously trying to make out the figures all wrapped up in thick coats whom were yelling at each other. They had managed to draw the attention of some of the press who ran in their direction as soon as they had left. They had managed to catch wind of Suzy’s arrest but Suzy didn’t care. She wanted everyone to know who messed up her entire family was.

“You’re such a selfish brat,” her mother shrieked, “We get you out of trouble and this is how you repay us?”

Suzy rolls her eyes and snorts, “I’m in this situation because of the both of you! I am a perfect reflection of your parenting skills. Remember that bef—”

Her mother raised her hand in the air and delivered a hard slap that threw Suzy off balance. The cameras went wild as the flash lit up the parking lot in front of the police station. She caressed her cheek and glanced at her mother with tears stinging her eyes. Jongin rushed over to her side and held onto her as Doojoon grabbed Jihyun. “You ungrateful brat!” she cursed, struggling to break free of Doojoon’s grip. “You’ve changed, Bae Suzy, you’re not my daughter.”

Suzy stood her ground, she snorts before she glances up at her mother. There’s a fire burning in her eyes, “Look at me,” she says softly, “Look at me!” she repeated this time with more ferocity and anger in her voice. “I’m not your daughter?” she asks in disbelief, “I’m the spitting image of you and I hate it!”

“Jongin, take Suzy in your car, now!” Doojoon says sternly as he tries to calm his wife down by pulling her away.

“Don’t come home!” her mother manages to get the last word in before Doojoon pulls her away and Jongin pulls Suzy to his car.

***

“Are you ing nuts?” Jongin says as he slams the door on his side shut. “What did you get yourself into?”

“I asked you to come alone, I asked you to not tell my parents.”

“Suzy, I’m seventeen, what did you want me to do? My money and influence can only go so far! I can’t bail you out of prison!”

“You could’ve done anything, Jongin! Anything but call them! For Christ’s sake! You could’ve called Eunsang! Did you really have to bring the two people who I detest the most in the entire world to see me at my lowest?”

“You wanted Eunsang, the woman you call as your second mother, the woman who nursed you since you were young to see you at your lowest? Are you even in your right mind right now? But you know, I’m glad you realise how much you’ve sunk especially since Soojung left,” Jongin quips, “I was beginning to think you didn’t know.”

Suzy reaches for the door handle in an attempt to open the door but Jongin beats her to it by locking her in. “Let me out, Jongin,” Suzy says slowly. He hears her breathing through her nose, heavily, loudly and quickly trying to calm herself down as her hand hovers over the door, ready to escape. “Let me out!” she shouts, slamming on the door and window wildly and angrily.

“Suzy!” Jongin shouts, “What’s wrong with you?” He grabs onto her body and gathers her up into his arms. He the back of her head gently to calm her down.

What’s wrong with Suzy? Even she didn’t know.

***

“Look, Sehun, I’m not sure where you are right now. If you’re in Seoul or even if you’re alive. But come home when you get this message. Suzy needs you, I need you.” Jongin sighs as he hangs up the phone. It would be the fifth message that he had left Sehun that night and the only one that sounded sincere – the previous ones contained more profanities. 

Sehun had been gone for two weeks now, he disappeared a week after Soojung left claiming that he needed a break and hadn’t called in since. It wasn’t the first time Sehun had given himself a break, he did it the year Suzy had left as well without so much as a word. Except he got in trouble from his parents for leaving during the school term and he was dragged back home immediately. This time they were on a two-week break and it had been the longest Jongin had gone without seeing and hearing of Sehun. Even the paparazzi hadn’t seen him around.

It had also been two-weeks since Suzy spiralled out of control. She had become a regular down at the clubs and a popular one at that. Suzy paid for drinks, danced till the sun rose and kissed those who asked, nicely. Kyungsoo had asked her for a break and it didn’t help the situation either. Of course he would leave her just as things were getting serious. So with Soojung gone, Sehun missing and Kyungsoo distancing himself from her, Jongin was the only friend Suzy had left.

He finds her dancing on his marble table top in his plaid shirt and drunk out of her mind when he returns. He thought it would be better to keep him at his place since his parents were overseas for work and Chorong and Ara had been on a road trip with some friends during their breaks. Separately of course, Chorong would drive Ara nuts if they went together. It was just them tonight for the first time in what felt like a long time.

“It was a publicity stunt,” Suzy confessed, falling back onto the marbled floor. She shivered upon contact with the cold, marble floor. Jongin’s plaid shirt that she wore did little to keep her warm.

“Is that what you call it?” Jongin scoffed “Ruining yourself completely?”

Suzy shrugged “I was bored. Like it made any difference.” Suzy says this bitterly but Jongin is not surprised. She handed him the bottle of amber liquid both taking turns gulping it down. Their bodies soaked up the alcohol, their stomachs grumbled from hunger, their minds started to show them things that weren’t there and their eyes, well, Suzy had to admit that Kim Jongin had never looked so good to her in his entire life.

“What were you thinking anyway having pills like that? Taking pills like that.” Jongin tried not to sound angry, or invasive, or like everyone else. He just wanted to get into her head. He wanted to understand how he came close to losing his best friend. He doesn’t know the reason why she takes them, he just thinks it’s something she does recreationally. Something all the other kids were doing but he would’ve never thought his close friend would as well.

“Well for the first pill, I was thinking that I wanted to feel less anxious. For the second pill I was hoping I could sleep, the third and fourth pills were an experiment. If I had gone too far, I wouldn’t of have had minded.” She turned over on her side and faced Jongin who laid beside her quietly. “But it didn’t work, and I got caught because I was having too much fun.” As he stared at the ceiling, Suzy fixed her eyes on his jaw. “Oppa,” Suzy uttered beneath her breath whilst using her hand to create a resting place for her head. It wasn’t something Suzy would usually call Jongin. Even though he was a few months older than her she would only ever call him that title when something was terribly wrong. “Do you dream?”

“Everyone dreams, Suzy, of course I do.”

“Don’t you dream about bigger things? Don’t you dream of a better life?” silence befalls them as Jongin searched for an answer. “I want to run away from here. Can’t you run away with me?” she asked hopefully.

“This is our home, Suzy,” Jongin said, he gave her a half smile and caressed her arm with his hand.

Suzy shuddered under his touch, “Why are we so different?”

“We’re more alike than you think,” Jongin reassured.

Suzy shook her head and pressed her lips into a thin line, she didn’t really want to argue with him. As indignant as she felt, Jongin was the last person who she wanted to hurt. She let her words die on her lips, she wasn’t going to tell him. It was for the best.

“Let’s go to the room,” Jongin whispered and sat up from the floor “Let’s go to sleep.”

Suzy shook her head, “Let’s stay here, the marble keeps me numb.”

Jongin laid back down and shuffled closer towards her. He wraps his arm around her waist and promised himself that he’d only stay until she fell asleep.

***

When Suzy wakes up she’s sleeping in Jongin’s bed, tucked in snuggly between his bed and blanket whilst being surrounded by his ridiculous amount of pillows. She holds onto her head to hopefully stop it from splitting but it does little to help. She notices a bright yellow sticky note next to the table and a glass of juice beside.

“Good morning, went to work, drink this it’ll help – x.”

Suzy doesn’t remember much about what happened last night, although to be honest she hasn’t remembered anything that had happened over the past two weeks. She remembers waking up feeling completely terribly and alone, but this morning wasn’t half bad. She takes the drink in her hand, it was a bloody Mary, Jongin’s infamous bloody Mary that he made for them every time they had a hangover. It was mostly just tomato juice and it’s horrid but Suzy drinks it regardless.

Suzy climbs out of Jongin’s bed and walks out to his window where she catches glimpses of the back of her house. Everything looks beautiful from afar.

Suzy changed out of Jongin’s shirt back into her clothes. They smelt horrid, but she needed to go home. Home, she thought to herself. She glanced over at the clock, it was ten and on most days her mother would be out of the house by now. Regardless, Suzy needed to go home, she needed a shower.

Slipping downstairs and past the workers, Suzy grabbed her shoes and dashed out of the door quickly. She walked across the grass and climbed over the fence to her house. Trampling on small rocks that embedded themselves into the sole of her foot. Suzy didn’t mind the pain, it wasn’t going to be as bad as the moment she stepped through the house.

“Bae Suzy!” Eunsang shrieked the moment she walked through the front door.

“Eunsang!” Suzy gulped, and placed her finger on her lip. “Is she home?”

“Who? Your mother?” Eunsang quips, crossing her arms over her chest and tapping her foot impatiently. “Honey you don’t need to be afraid of your mother right now, it’s me you should be worried about.”

“Eunsang, I got a lecture from her last night, and him, and Jongin, I don’t need another one from you.”

“Well you’re going to get it!” Eunsang argues, “What were you thinking Suzy? Drugs? It’s not going to solve anything!”

“They were prescription drugs, they were prescribed for me! The bottle had my name on it.”

“Then why didn’t you just say so?”

“I did, I explained it to them but they still took me, in. Ok, given that I was also a bit drunk and underage but still.”

“Why are you taking it anyway, Suzy? What do you need it for?”

“It helps me sleep, Eunsang…” Suzy doesn’t need to explain further for Eunsang to understand. She had heard the cries at night a few times, when she came back but she had heard them more frequently of late.

“What’s wrong Suzy?” Eunsang asks.

There it was again, that question from everyone. What’s wrong? Suzy hung her head “Soojung left,” Suzy utters beneath her breath.

Except that’s only part of the problem.

***

Jongin buries himself in his work to stop himself from staring at his phone. He hadn’t messaged Soojung once since the night they broke up and he couldn’t message Suzy, not after what happened last night. Despite the fact that his phone was constantly buzzing, there was no one he had wanted to see.

“Hey, Jongin,” Soohyun drops by with a cup of coffee, “I’d thought you’d need this.”

They both looked as terrible as each other. The merger was taking a great toll on all the workers there. They had to organise the files to be presented and the office was a mess. “Thanks, hyung,” Jongin takes it and places it in the corner of his table next to the empty cups of coffee that he was beginning to collect.

“So how’s everything?”

“You know, busy,” Jongin doesn’t take his eyes off the documents, he’s reading through them as fast as he can to see if they’re at all relevant but it’s a twenty page document and it takes a lot of time and concentration.

“I heard about what happened last night.”

Jongin doesn’t stop, of course he would’ve. It was plastered all over the tabloids today. The picture perfect Baes. Photos of Jihyun slapping Suzy in public had been the hot topic on everyone’s lips today. He had even heard some of his father’s employees discussing it around the water cooler.

“I knew she was a bit crazy, no one that attractive isn’t a bit crazy.”

“Like mother like daughter I guess, except her daughter is a lot prettier than her when she was younger.”

“Maybe she was jealous?”

It wasn’t until they noticed Jongin glaring at them that they dispersed back to their desks, everyone awkwardly scratching the back of their heads and avoiding his gaze.

At least Soohyun was straight forward. “Is she ok?” he asks, “Suzy, I mean…”

Jongin doesn’t notice how Soohyun stutters just a bit as he mentions Suzy’s name. Like guilt causing his voice to crack, making it impossible to mention her name.

“She’ll be fine,” Jongin says, “I’m sure of it.”

“Great,” Soohyun offers him a half smile. “So how are you holding up, you know with your girlfriend leaving you and all?”

“How’d you know?”

Soohyun smiles, “I have my sources,” he teases. It wasn’t like it was the world’s best kept secret. After all Jongin had maybe once or twice been caught with some girls at the bar. With Soojung out of the country - it doesn’t take a genius to add one and two together.

“At least I don’t have to worry about the debutante ball anymore,” he runs his hand through his hair furiously.

“When is that exactly?”

“The week after next,” he groans.

“Right.”

***

There are two lovely dresses the minute Suzy steps out of the shower. One gold, made of silk and lace that look all too extravagant and royal. The other which resembled a more modern take on a hanbok with a lovely sheer green and white straps around her torso. Suzy ran her fingers across each dress when Eunsang came in.

“They arrived yesterday,” she says, making her way closer to the dress. Suzy picks up the gold dress and holds it against herself whilst observing her reflection in the mirror. “You should try them on, see which one you like.”

Suzy nods her head and excuses herself into the bathroom. She comes out a minute later and asks for Eunsang to help her zip up her dress. Suzy turns to the mirror, long black hair cascading over her shoulders. The gold made her appear even more radiant.

“You are beautiful,” Eunsang says and clasps her hands together. It wasn’t something that Suzy had never heard before, but there’s something about the way Eunsang speaks with pride that makes Suzy falter a bit. For a second she feels the older lady’s warmth engulf her when their eyes meet in the mirror.

“Spitting image though,” Suzy sighs, running her hand through her dark locks contemplatively. Eunsang doesn’t utter a word she watches as Suzy holds onto the ends of her hair and wraps it up in a bun. She smiles for a split second before letting it go.

“You know your mother will love it,” the way Eunsang says this isn’t intended to mean anything malicious. But Jihyun had always placed a lot of pressure on Suzy to look and act a certain way, mostly like her when she was younger. She was like a stage mum, but whilst there was no physical stage, Jihyun always envied the spotlight on her daughter. It was something she never experienced till she was a bit older than Suzy and she, with good intentions, wanted Suzy to experience it. Without considering how her own daughter would feel.

“Thanks Eunsang,” Suzy says before turning around as a gesture for Eunsang to help her out of her dress. “I’ll decide closer to the date.”

Eunsang helps her to and excuses herself from the room. Just as she does Suzy slips out of her dress and hangs it on her chair. She reaches for her phone and dials for a number. “Hey, Sunhwa it’s me, Suzy. I need to make an appointment for next week. What day? The morning of the debutant. Yes Sunhwa, I want you to do my hair.” Suzy smiles into the phone after hearing the delight in her friend’s voice.

***

Jongin comes home to an empty house, with the exceptions of the workers downstairs who rarely bothered him unless he asked for a favour. In his room Jongin sits on the balcony and glances over to be greeted by Suzy from afar. He fishes for his phone which is vibrating in his pocket. He stares at it for a moment and glances up at Suzy who’s waving her phone back at him.

“Hi,” he says and leans against the ledge of the balcony.

“Hey, how was work?” Suzy asks, staring at him from the other side. He smiles and hangs his head.

“Tiring. How was your morning?”

“Tiring,” Suzy says and they both chuckle into their phones. Tiring to say the least but they already knew without the need to say anything further.

“How’s your mother?” Jongin asks, weary that she might not be so open to a discussion.

“Not entirely sure, I haven’t left my room since returning and Eunsang keeps bringing me food, but I’m not all that hungry.” Fatigue is apparent in her voice, but Suzy does a good job and reassuring him that she’s fine. “My dress for the debutant came in today.”

“Oh yeah?” Jongin asks, “How are they?”

“Still can’t decide,” Suzy says and draws circles on the ledge with her index fingers.

“I’m sure whatever it is you’ll look beautiful,” Jongin says and Suzy notices how his eyes light up from across despite how the sun was setting behind them, and how tired he looked a few seconds ago.

“What about you? Are you still going now that Soojung isn’t?”

“Is there a point?”

“Be my ,” Suzy says brazenly, holding her breath as soon as the words escaped her lips.

“What?” Jongin laughs and Suzy eases back into her skin when she notices how his expression has brightened up and how the sound of his laughter tickles her stomach just a bit. She missed this, she missed them.

“Before I left you had always been so insistent on being my to the debutante ball. So stay true to your words. Take me. As a friend – right now as my only friend.”

Jongin laughs, he pauses and thinks for a bit but the answer was already obvious. He would take her, he would walk through fire for her. “Alright, I’d be happy to be your to the debutante, Bae Suzy.”

The sun bleeds into the horizon behind them and they both turn their heads to catch the final glimpses of light before it disappears into the horizon. Before their eyes a green flash and Jongin beams. “Did you see that?” Jongin asks and Suzy can imagine him smiling without looking at him.

“I did,” Suzy turns back to face him.

Hope, she thought to herself quietly.

***

Oh lights go down
In the moment we're lost and found
I just wanna be by your side
If these wings could fly