Looking up from underneath
Fractured moonlight on the sea
Reflections still look the same to me
As before I went under

***

“What happened?” Hyeri scuttled over to Suzy by her locker and quickly grabbed onto the Suzy’s arm. She was demanding answers when Suzy barely understood the question. Suzy closed her locker and when she didn’t reply Hyeri clarified herself. “Yesterday you, Soojung, Sehun and Jongin all took the day off school. I mean, there have been rumours.”

Suzy’s lips lifted on one side. “I’m only telling you this because you’re my friend, the rumours that you hear aren’t true.”

“I know but I was just curious that’s all after all Jongin—”

“Jongin?” Suzy asked suddenly.

“He looked a bit bruised. There were rumours he got into a fight, pictures have been circulating the internet. Jongin and Sehun at the bar tearing into each other—”

“You’re being a bit dramatic, Hyeri, they were boys and they were fighting—”

“Rumour was it was over Soojung.”

***

Suzy walked the empty halls of the school. She held in her hand the watch that Jongin had gifted her the day of her party. ‘I’ll be with you, every second of every day’. It wasn’t something that Suzy would flaunt at all should it cause someone to question her motives. But like how Suzy kept her real feelings for Jongin locked up, this was just another piece that she had to hide. She grasped onto the watch tightly as she passed his classroom.

Standing from outside Suzy spotted Jongin clearly with his head resting on his hand and his hands busy scribbling notes in his book. Jongin glanced up and noticed her staring at him with those god darn sad eyes. He turned his head and faced the wall and continued to scribble notes into his notebook.

As Suzy looked down the corridor she noticed Soojung standing a few steps away from her. She was busy talking Jinri but she stopped for a moment to acknowledge Suzy with a smile and a wave. Suzy returned the gesture. They were friends again and Suzy was going to make certain that nothing would ruin that.

Students were beginning to be dismissed from classes now and Suzy felt herself being swept away by the crowd. She steeled herself and slipped the watch back into her pocket. It was for the best.

***

“Hey.”

“Hello.”

“How are you?”

“I’m good. Yourself?”

“I’ve been better.”

“Can we talk?”

“Sure.”

Jongin led Soojung to the small table out on the patio outside the dining hall where they could talk in private. Yet silence consumed them with neither one wanting to talk first.

“So…” they said in unison.

Jongin laughed and Soojung stifled a grin. “You first.” Soojung gestured for him to continue.

Jongin nodded and reached out for her hand, he wrapped his two hands protectively around hers. Soojung stared at his hands as the warmth seeped from his body onto hers. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry I haven’t been a good boyfriend to you let alone a good friend. I was too selfish and too consumed by my own problems that I ignored your feelings. I’m sorry.”

Soojung smiled, “Thank you,” she said. Soojung’s eyes shifted and Jongin caught the hesitance in her expression that he had mistaken as a hesitance to his apology.

“Is something wrong?” he asked.

Soojung shook her head, “Nothing, I’m touched, that’s all…” Soojung placed her hand over her chest like a scout. Scouts never lie. Soojung wasn’t a scout.

“Great!” Jongin exclaimed enthusiastically, “Dinner tonight, say at around seven?”

“Sure,” Soojung replied. Silence befell them. It was an uncomfortable awkward pause because Soojung had trailed off unexpectedly mid conversation. “I want you to know that I’m mending my relationship with Suzy again, we all are.”

Jongin’s smile faded immediately. He retracted his hands from hers and buried them into the coat of his pocket. He was searching for his zippo and in dire need of a cigarette.

“What’s wrong?” It was Soojung’s turn to ask.

Jongin shook his head, “Nothing,” he lied, “I’m just hungry, should we grab lunch?”

“Jongin, you’re not a good liar.”

“I just don’t trust her right now and I don’t think you should either.”

Soojung’s jaw unhinged quickly. She was gobsmacked by his response. She leaned in against the table and entwined her fingers together. “Wasn’t it you who was telling us to give her a chance?”

Jongin clenched his jaw, “Tell me this? Did she tell you why she left?”

Soojung paused. “Well no, she didn’t. Should it matter? Shouldn’t the only thing that matter is that she’s here with us again?”

Jongin strummed his fingers against the table and responded to her question with silence.

***

Suzy took the pills when she arrived home from school. She needed them so that she could sleep and so that she wouldn’t risk groggy. She did this too to avoid crossing paths with her mother who was still sleeping when she came home from school. It was the reason why the house hadn’t been as turbulent over the past few days.

“Suzy?” Eunsang called out for her, “You have a guest.”

Suzy wrapped her robe tight around her body and made her way down to see Ara greeting her at the bottom of the stairs.

There was something about seeing Ara that made her feel uneasy. She wasn’t expecting the doe-eyed girl to be standing at the bottom of the stairs. Ara wasn’t meant to be in Korea, she was meant to be in America where Suzy spilt all of her problems without fear of repercussions. “Unnie, what are you doing here?”

Ara grabbed Suzy by the shoulder and braced her quickly like an old friend. “I’m back for a while.”

Suzy led her over to the couch and the two girls fell back onto the fluffy cushions. “Why?” Suzy sounded desperate in her question although her body language deceived her. “Did you—”

Ara looked around cautiously, careful so that no one would accidentally eavesdrop on their conversation. “Your secret is safe with me, don’t worry.” Suzy nodded but she still felt uneasy. “How are you? How is…” Ara paused looking for the right question “—everything?”

“I’m ok, I’m settling back in but it’s still turbulent.” Suzy sounded lethargic even though one would assume that the summer afternoon was to blame. Ara new better which was a danger to Suzy.

“Are you still taking them?” Ara asked gingerly. The silence was enough of a response for Ara. “You were only meant to be on them temporarily. It’s been a year, Suzy!” Ara said in hushed tones. She sounded frantic which Suzy detected.

Suzy placed her finger to her lips begging Ara to keep quiet about her situation. “It hasn’t been easy,” she said solemnly, “I’m not here because I want to be and you know that.” Suzy glanced up at Eunsang who brought in tea and cake for the two girls.

“Are you addicted?”

“It helps me sleep.”

“Why do you need it at five in the afternoon? It’s far too early to be asleep?”

Suzy shrugged, “If you lived here you’d know why.”

“Did you take them the night you kissed Soohyun oppa?”

Suzy’s hand hovered over the pile of sugar cubes before she retreated slowly. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t involve yourself in my business anymore.”

“You made it my business the day you told me about it.”

“You didn’t give me much of an option,” Suzy said with caution in her voice.

Ara ran her hand through her hair and calmly sipped on her tea. “Soohyun is my cousin—”

“All the more reason for you to distance yourself from this. I’ve done the same for Jongin, and I’m asking you to back away.”

“Jongin knows?”

“No, I don’t intend to tell him—”

“So you’re perfectly fine with letting your best friend frolic around with a criminal?”

“Soohyun had nothing to do with it.”

“From my understanding if he hadn’t asked you to follow him that night that wouldn’t of have had happened and the was his friend.”

“Are you implying Soohyun intended to set me up that night?”

***

On the rooftop of Alizé looking over the most affluent houses in Seoul, Jongin sat with Soojung as they quietly ate their dinner. “A toast,” Jongin raises his wine glass candidly and waits for Soojung to clink her glass with his. Soojung raises her glass and tilts it towards his. “To new beginnings.”

Soojung smiles and clinks their glasses together. “The food is good.”

“Like our first date,” Jongin adds.

They sip on sparkling wine and gaze at the stars between bites of their meal. Their dates were never this quiet, especially since Soojung always had so much to say.

Jongin tries to start a conversation. He’s not used to it simply because it’s always been Soojung who lived the more interesting life. She always had something to say about everything and Jongin found it difficult to ever get in a word edgewise. “Do you remember the first time we went here?” he asked.

Soojung looks up and nods, “Why?”

“That waiter there he poured a drink on the lady that was sitting two tables beside us. I’m surprised he still has his job.”

Soojung giggled at the memory, of how they were then suddenly wrapped up in the lady’s wrath for finding humour in her misfortune. “We were really awkward back then—as boyfriend and girlfriend.”

Jongin nodded his friend. “I was always your stupid friend,” Jongin said with a playful lilt in his voice.

“You still are,” Soojung chirped.

“I’m your stupid boyfriend,” Jongin corrected her.

Soojung finds comfort in his words and reassurance. It was the first time in a few weeks they had felt relatively normal again. Soojung hopes that they can continue like this but she knows that it’s only so long before her own secrets spill and it’ll hurt him. She couldn’t, she wouldn’t.

“Hey, about Suzy,” Soojung began saying cautiously when she noticed his expression changing. “I don’t know what happened for you to suddenly give up on her. But please give her a second chance.”

“Soojung, I can’t she lied, I can’t forgive her.”

“We’re so close to being normal again.”

Jongin pauses and contemplates her words, “For you, I’ll try.”

Soojung smiles.

***

The first time Sehun felt his heartbeat was when he was thirteen. It was over a girl two years his senior and seemingly way out of his league. Kim Taeyeon had skin white as snow and the voice of an angel with long black hair cascading down her back. Someone different to the girls he often associated himself with of late.

Sehun had to admit that it was the first time he had to work for something because no matter how much money he had in his bank account it did little to impress her. Taeyeon’s mother, Kim Jaekyung, was a professional harpist and she travelled around the world on tours, playing for the rich and powerful who were obsessed with being seeing as tasteful rather than appreciating the art itself.

Sehun attended one of the concerts her mother played at and ran into the girl at a private after party that was hosted. It would be the first time he spoke to her after a few times admiring her from afar. She was standing outside in the cold with a cigarette to her lips and waved for him to come over. “Your mother is a talented woman,” Sehun said.

“Really?” Taeyeon asked with sarcasm in her voice like she had never heard it before. “You know, I have a talent too.” She pointed to her lips and Sehun stared at them wide eyed. It should be noted that it was this night that Sehun had his first taste of nicotine when her lips collided so rudely onto his. He could taste the smoke laced on her tongue as it glided over his. Sehun grabbed her by the shoulders and distance himself away from her.

“This-isn’t-right,” he said breathlessly.  

“I was kidding,” Taeyeon laughed and took another puff of her cigarette. He was engulfed by the haze of smoke she blew from her lips, his eyes blurred by the smoke but he could still make out her pale skin against the concrete wall she leaned against. “I can sing,” she said finally.

Two years later Sehun stares at a passing concert flyer on his way home from a party. ‘Kim Taeyeon, concerto soloist accompanied by Kim Jaekyung.’

“Sehun-ah,” the girl cooed softly into his ears, “Where’s your chauffeur?”

“There he is,” Sehun said. An older man hopped out of the car and stumbled forward apologising for the delay. The traffic had been unbearable after a car accident in downtown Seoul. Sehun waved his hand and dismissed him, gesturing for him to take the flimsy girl in his arms to the car. As they walked away he stuffed the flyer into his pocket determined that he would come back with flowers tomorrow, for her.

***

“Suzy?”

She had never heard of this voice before but she listened on closely, “Suzy, I’m Nurse Kim and I’m calling from Seoul Medical, I’m afraid your mother has been in a car accident.”

“I’ll be right there.”

Suzy rushed down the flight of stairs and reached for her coat and keys. She rushed outside the front door and stopped for a second. Suzy fished out her phone from her pocket and dialled frantically for a friend.

“I need you—Seoul Medical—now.”

***

“Soojung?”

“Sehun?”

There’s a pause on the other end of the line.

“Who is it?” Jongin’s voice came from the background.

“Are you busy?” Sehun asks

“Sort of. Are you ok?” Soojung asked.

“Yeah.”

“Hey listen, we need to talk about last time.”

“Yeah, next time.”

“Are you sure you’re ok?”

“I’m fine,” Sehun said and with a click hung up. “Can you turn the car around? We need to go to Seoul Medical.”

***

Sehun arrives at the front of the hospital and frantically made his way to the nurse’s station. “I’m looking for Bae Suzy,” he said breathlessly.

The nurse scanned the list of patients and came across none. “There’s no one here by that name.”

“Bae Suzy! Bae Suzy!” Sehun reiterated frantically like she would magically appear on the list if he said it enough.

“Sehun!” Suzy gasped.

He turned around and in a rush raced over to embrace her. “Jesus Christ,” he whispered into her hair. Sehun gripped tightly onto her, his fingers laced through her finger and his palm pressed against her neck. “I thought something bad happened to you.”

Suzy his back and rested her chin on the crook of his neck. “It’s my mother,” she said. Sehun broke away and looked at her waiting for answers as she explained that her mother had gotten into a car with someone who was under the influence. In fact they both were. She had suffered a few fractures, mainly to her legs and ribs. Out of her frustration Sehun noticed how her eyes turned red with tears that were b at the edges. Sehun pulled her in for a hug, his hands wrapped protectively around her.

They stood in silence as people rushed around them frantically. It was a good minute before either of them said something. “I heard that hugging someone can help to reduce anxiety,” Sehun said which made Suzy laugh.

“Only if you trust them.”

Sehun smirked “Do you trust me?”

There’s a momentary paused when Suzy broke away. “You’re the first person I called weren’t you?”

Sehun rolled his eyes good naturedly “Yeah, don’t make too much of a habit out of it.”Sehun tousled her hair and Sehun falls into him as he holds onto her and they walk down the corridor side by side with his arms around her shoulder. “She’s going to be fine, she raised you didn’t she?”

Sehun spent the night in the hospital with Suzy. They borrowed a few blankets and pillows and sat on the couch that faced Jihyun’s bed. “You never told me why you were over Soojung’s place that morning and don’t lie to me that you came over, you looked like a mess.”

“I went to her because I didn’t want to drop by your place in case I ran into Jongin. Which I guess was the right decision, considering…” Sehun’s voice trailed off.

“But you stayed the whole night.”

“I had a few questions I needed her to answer,” Sehun shrugged his shoulders “And what did Jongin say to you when he came over?” Sehun asked.

Suzy stopped pulling at the threads on the chair, she turned her body and stretched out her legs across Sehun’s thighs. “He wanted to know why I left,” Suzy started but her voice trailed off “I’m going to sleep now.”

Sehun chortled but nodded. They fell silent but they both knew that neither was sleeping. They needed silence and they both understood that. Somewhere between the silence Suzy fell asleep first. Sehun looked at her eyes fluttered as she slept, her face illuminated by the moonlight. He smiled and fell asleep shortly after.

News broke that morning just as Suzy had expected it to. Ex-model Jeon Jihyun in a car accident was plastered all over the front pages. It made Suzy feel uneasy, she knew this wouldn’t be good for her mother’s mental state, or hers. “Suzy, darling,” Jihyun murmured as she stirred in her sleep.

“Yes, I’m here.”

“Did your father come last night?” Jihyun asked.

Suzy bit her lip, “Yeah, he did,” she lied “He left for work this morning.”

Jihyun nodded her head and fell back asleep with a smile on her lips. She had been injected with morphine to help ease the pain but Suzy wondered how long she could live like this; lying to her mother just so she could be happy.

***

Soojung slept over Jongin’s place that night but left before he awoke. They had spent the night watching old movies. The ones that Soojung used to love which included every Disney Princess movie there was. As she stepped out the front of his house she noticed a familiar Porsche pulling up into Suzy’s drive way. Sehun helped Suzy out of her car and the two hugged before Suzy headed inside. Soojung hid behind the giant pylons of the house until Sehun drove off.

She couldn’t understand why she felt so confused seeing the two together, especially not after the other night when he came to her.

I have a question…” Sehun started.

“Spit it out.” Soojung said as she blew over his cut to ease the pain.

“Your birthday last year, do you think that if I had been the first to arrive and not Jongin, would you have been my girlfriend right now?”

Soojung’s fingers moved slowly away from his face. Just as Sehun was about to lie and tell her that he was joking; Soojung’s hand caressed his cheek and she pulled him in for a deep kiss. She pulled away, gasping for air, they both were. “Stay with me tonight,” she said and Sehun nodded.

***

Jongin walked into the kitchen at twelve expected to be greeted by his mother with a look of disdain on her face. She wasn’t happy when Jongin took weekends off merely to just sleep. Instead he found his sisters, Ara and Chorong casually sitting on the patio that overlooked the pool that was glistening in the summer heat.

“Where’s Mum?” Jongin asked.

“She’s helping with the launch of the debutante season she had a meeting to get to.” Chorong said between sips of her smoothie “Which makes for ideal relaxing beside the poolside.”

“You’re up a bit late.”

“Yeah we stayed up late last night.”

“We?” Chorong asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Soojung and I were watching Disney movies.”

“Wow, isn’t that a bit creepy to be—you know—” Chorong grimaced.

“Everyone kept their pants on last night,” Jongin rolled his eyes.

Chorong chuckled and Ara suppressed a grin. “Noona,” Jongin called Ara, “Can I ask you a question?”

“Yeah, what is it?” Ara peeled off her sunglasses and looked at him.

“I heard from Soojung that Suzy went to Trinity School when she was in America, did you know?”

“Yeah, I did,” Ara replied after much hesitation.

“You didn’t tell me?”

“You never asked.”

“Did she tell you why she left?”

Ara looked at Jongin and was greeted by a pair of pitiful eyes. “Yeah she did,” Ara confessed.

***

Though the pressure's hard to take
It's the only way I can escape
It seems a heavy choice to make
And now I am under all

Thanks for reading, if you enjoyed it please leave a comment.
xo