Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be thinking of you

***

Soojung had moved out of the Bae’s house after that night. She had returned home to her mother and a half empty house. Whatever remained was covered in white sheets. Half of their furniture had already began the winding journey to France already despite Soojung only giving her confirmation the night before. Her room was still intact however. Photo frames still hung on the wall, her clothes had yet to be touched.

“Pack light,” her mother suggested, “We’ll buy new things over there. It’s time we leave this old life behind.”

Soojung stared at the photos on the wall and sighed, “A new start,” she says solemnly.

***

It’s a Saturday afternoon when Soojung had requested for Jongin and Sehun to join her for lunch. It felt like a year ago when they had gathered at the exact same diner after finding out that Suzy had left without so much as a word to them. They had promised then that they would never do anything so cowardly to each other. They had promised that they would always speak to each other.

Soojung gripped onto her coffee mug, drawing as much warmth as she could into her hands. She watched as the steam rose from the cup whilst they were waiting for Jongin to arrive.

“So?” Sehun prompted after they had been sitting in silence for five minutes, each person staring at their phones to past the time. “What was so important that you had to meet us here? Where’s Jongin? Is Suzy coming?”

“Jongin’s going to be here soon, Suzy’s not coming because Suzy already knows what I’m about to say.”

“Have you two made up yet?” Sehun asks curiously.

They hadn’t been attending classes of late and when they did Suzy was often holed up in the library to study and Soojung was on the field training. It was apparent how tense they were with each other during lunch but neither of the girls had said anything. When confronted by Jongin, Soojung would change the topic, and when confronted by Sehun, Suzy would reassure him that they were no longer fighting.

Fact of the matter was that they had given up – well at least Suzy had which was the reason why she wasn’t there. Not because Soojung hadn’t invited her.

The doorbell of the diner rang and they both snapped their necks to see who it was. Surely enough it was Jongin wrapped in a winter coat, pulling out his earphones as he approached them slowly with a wide grin. “Sorry I’m late,” he says, “I had to drop by my dad’s office, he wanted to talk to me about…” Sehun sat still as Jongin slid in the booth next to Soojung and planted a peck on her cheek.

They all fell silent when the waitress placed down their orders on the table. Jongin happily dug into his burger, forgetting completely why he was requested to be here. He had been busy all morning working at his father’s company, greeting clients and studying in between.

“Where’s Suzy?” Jongin asks between mouthfuls of food.

“I’m moving to France with my mother tomorrow, I don’t know when I’ll be back.”

Jongin scoffs and reaches for his juice whilst Sehun remains quiet. “What?” Jongin asks.

“I need a new start and the only way this is going to happen is if I move out of Seoul.”

“Have you told Suzy?” Jongin asks.

Soojung clenched her fist. Of course the first question out of either boy’s mouth was Suzy. What was it about Suzy that demanded the attention of everyone even when she wasn’t around? Sure Suzy was pretty, talented, smart and funny but Soojung was too. “I did, she gave me her blessing.”

“What’s wrong with you two?” Jongin demanded to know, “You always fight but this is…”

“Citing Bae Suzy as the sole reason for my departure is giving her too much credit,” Soojung lifts her head and glances outside the window. “I don’t have a place here anymore. My father isn’t my father and he barely refuses to talk to me. My mother barely acts like she’s my mother, slaving away at work in between organising papers for me to leave with her. If I stay I’d have nowhere to stay, I’d be living by myself.”

“What about me then? What about your boyfriend?”

“Long distance relationships can work Jongin.”

“And what every weekend I take the private jet to visit you?” he asks, sarcasm dripping from his voice. “I’m busy Soojung, my father is making me work at his company on weekends, and I barely see you at school.”

“Well if that’s the case then why don’t we just break up?” Soojung’s threatened this before but it was always without justification. It was always when Jongin had shown up to dinner late, when he had forgotten a promise he had made her, when he didn’t buy her the bag she had been hinting for the past few weeks and got her something else instead. She would eventually come to forgive him and they’d start all over again. But this time it was different.

“Soojung!” Jongin exclaimed in frustration, “This isn’t the time to be joking around. You’re leaving Seoul for good and you’ve only given us a days notice? How do you expect me to react?”

“I’m sorry if I was too busy working things out to be concerned about how you were feeling.”

Sehun slammed his fist on the table and slid out of his seat. By now the few eyes in the diner were looking their way. There were people whispering and judging them from across the room.

“Sehun,” Jongin and Soojung say in unison, staring wide eyed at the other boy.

“If you’re going to fight take it somewhere else,” he uttered in a low tone only meant for them to hear. “I’ve lost my appetite completely.” Sehun slams at fifty on the table and storms out of the diner without so much as another word.

***

Sehun sped down the busy streets, weaving his way through the cars swiftly. The only sound he could hear was the sound of his engine roaring wildly as he slammed on the gas pedal. He slammed on his breaks quickly as soon as the red light flashed and his body lunged forward only to be pulled back by the seatbelt around his chest. He slammed his palm on the wheel in frustration.

He didn’t know where to go or who to talk to.

He leaned over the wheel and closed his eyes, ignoring the angry drivers behind him telling him to go. Sehun doesn’t move. Instead he takes deep breaths and it hits him.

His next destination.

***

His fist bangs on the door of her room, furiously and loudly. “Open up, Suzy! I know you’re in there! Eunsang told me you were home.”

Slowly but surely the door opens and a bleary eyed Suzy greets her not so unexpected guest. “What do you want, Jongin?”

“You’re letting Soojung go without saying anything about it?”

She turns her heels and walks back out to the balcony. Jongin notices the ashtray and the smell of freshly lit tobacco that hung onto her skin as she moved. “Cigarette?” she grabs a new stick from the pack and hands it to him which he takes but refuses the offer to light it. She takes it as he’ll smoke later as she tucks it into his pocket.

Suzy smoked as a hobby – she was neither a social smoker nor an addict. She smoked merely out of boredom or frustration. Jongin would assume the latter based on how many burnt cigarettes he counted in the ashtray.

“Soojung said that you gave her your blessing to leave.”

“I did,” Suzy said as she tapped the cigarette into the ashtray, “What of it?” she takes another deep drag and holds it so that her body would soak it up.

“Why?” Jongin sounded so helpless that Suzy almost pitied him. Jongin always had the softest heart out of the four of them. Always choosing to see the good in the bad, always the one with an impeccable amount of patience and grace comparative to the other three. It was hard to listen to him when he sounded so injured.

“She needed a new start.”

“Was that why you left for America?”

Suzy bit her cigarette and pulled it out of for a sip of scotch. She would need something stronger if Jongin was going to be this persistent. She tilted her head and gazed into his soft, brown, puppy eyes and she definitely new the scotch wasn’t enough. “Yes,” she says.

“So you weren’t trying to run away from anything?”

She knew what he was implying. He had done it before. However the situation at hand wasn’t about her, it was about Soojung.“How would you feel if you had to live in a place that reminded you of everything bad that’s happened in your life? Soojung doesn’t have a home, her father’s moved out, her mother’s sold everything – where would she stay?”

“Here. With you.”

“I have my mother to look after…”

“It’s never stopped you before.”

Suzy grated her bottom lip as she stared at the sun bleeding slowly into the horizon. “Why is it always me?” Suzy asks. It’s rhetoric but Jongin assumes that she’s asking him. “People come here seeking refuge but where can I run to when I need a place to hide?”

“Suzy you’re her bestfriend…”

“You’re her boyfriend,” she says tonelessly. Suzy stands up from her seat and walks back inside. “I’m going out for a drink tonight, feel free to join if you’re not too busy wallowing over your girlfriend leaving.”

Jongin watched in disbelief as Suzy headed into the bathroom of her on suite

***

“You can’t go in there!”

“He knows who I am,” he says before swinging the door of the office wide open.

“Sehun!” the older man exclaimed.

“Mr. Jung,” Sehun said breathlessly. He had made his way quickly through the lobby and he was now exhausted but urgent matters were at hand.

“How can I help you? Are you ok?” he stands up from his seat and removes the glasses off his face. Dangling it around his neck he gestures for Sehun to take a seat as he rests himself on the ledge of the table. Sehun glances sideways at the secretary who looked as if she was ready to pounce at Sehun but Jung Jinwoon waves his hand to dismiss her.

“Mr. Jung,” Sehun says again after finally catching his breath. “You need to stop Soojung from moving overseas.”

“What?”

“Soojung and her mother are moving over to France for good,” Sehun disclosed, “She refuses to stay because you won’t accept her as your daughter.”

“I’m sure you know the situation behind this is much more than it seems.”

“So what?” Sehun asks, “Just because she’s not your blood, you’re still the only father she’s known and she’s the only daughter you’ve known! I’ve been lucky enough to be raised by parents who despite what our bloodlines say have loved me regardless. Soojung doesn’t even want to know who her birth father, because as far as she knows you’re her only one.”

Jinwoon pinches the space between his eyes and closes his eyes, “Sehun, I appreciate what you’re trying to do but this is personal issue.”

“With all due respect sir, I care about Soojung and this is quite personal for me too.” He stands up from the seat, “I just ask that whatever problems you grownups have don’t extend to your children. Soojung shouldn’t have to start again because of something that was out of her control.”

Sehun digs his hands into his pockets and bows before retreating quickly out of Jinwoon’s office. He knows he’s just a kid but he’s hopes it’s just enough to do…something.

***

This wasn’t how she expected things to end. Her last night in Seoul wasn’t meant to be spent staring into the darkness of her empty house whilst her mother celebrated with her friends in the room beside her.  This would be her last for the time being and so it had to be the biggest. She had fussed over everything from the chandelier to the place cards on the porcelain plates. Her mother was famous for throwing dinner parties but she’ll soon be infamous for something else. Her divorce was looming over the horizon and the tabloids had caught on.

So long as Soojung’s true bloodline wasn’t revealed it would be alright her mother assured her. Her father would never throw his daughter under the bus like that. After all for the past sixteen years Soojung had played the role so well – only because she never knew. “Soojung,” Yoochun’s voice came from behind her. The music and laughter from the room next door crept in as the door opened, “Jongin’s here for you.”

Soojung nodded and held her breath. She didn’t know what she was going to say to him. She didn’t know whether or not they had broken up or if they could possibly recover from his. “Hey,” Jongin uttered, his voice cracking already under the pressure of everything. He takes a seat on the opposite end of the lounge and crossed his arms together as he leaned back against the couch.

“Hey,” Soojung replies, “How are you?”

“I’m alright,” he lies. Jongin was feeling gutted at the thought of Soojung flying out tomorrow morning. Uncertain about what it would mean for either of them and their relationship. “Yourself?”

“I’m so unsure. And you know how I hate being unsure.” He tilts his head sideways and observes her closely.

“About?” he asks.

The question grates her the wrong way but it’s not entirely stupid, “Everything, Jongin. Leaving everything behind, moving to France, Bae Suzy and you.”

Jongin was unsure whether Bae Suzy and he was one issue or two separate issues. He had no reason to believe that Soojung would tie them together. One was her best friend, the other was her boyfriend. Well that was still up for debate.

“You made the decision to leave, Soojung, you never make decisions unless you’re sure…” Jongin’s tone is a little sarcastic, his voice a little rough.

“Right…” she says, her voice trailing off.

They sit in uncomfortable silence both having so much to say but neither wanting to admit to it. “What about us?” Jongin asks, “Are we really over?”

“Is this your pathetic attempt at asking me to stay?” She doesn’t mean for it to come out so scornful but based on Jongin’s expression it was.

“What?” Jongin says, heaving a heavy sigh. “Are you serious?”

Soojung was in fact dead serious. There had been something irking her since lunch with them that afternoon and she realised that it was Jongin. Now Jongin was the perfect everything. He was good looking, rich, smart and crazy talented, but it didn’t necessarily translate to Jongin being a perfect boyfriend at least not for Soojung.

Boys would’ve fought tooth and nail to keep Soojung by their side. At least the ones she dated before Jongin. When she broke up with Kangjun he had sent her a bouquet of flowers everyday, which Soojung asked Yoochun to throw into the trash. When she broke up with Dongho the boy called her so much she had to ask for restraining order after having his number blocked. Soojung had always felt adored and cherished by her past boyfriends and yet with Jongin she only rarely felt it.

Maybe it was because he had been afraid that if anything went wrong it would ruin their friendship entirely. Or maybe it was because, as much as Soojung hated to admit it – Jongin still had lingering feelings for her best friend.

“I needed one word from you Jongin,” Soojung says.

“And what one word was that?”

“Stay.”

“Stay!” Jongin repeats in frustration.

“Why?”

“For Suzy, for Sehun, for me,” Jongin answered confidently. The answer was obvious. They needed each other – all of them.

Soojung shakes her head. “Not for Suzy,” she says, “For you. Just for you only and you couldn’t even give me that.”

Soojung stood up from the seat, she was ready to leave when Jongin grabbed onto her wrist. “What’s happened to us?” Jongin asked. “How did we get ourselves in this situation, again?”

“We made mistakes and never learnt from it. We brushed it under the rug the first time without really dealing with it. We lied to ourselves, we lied to each other. That’s what happened.”

Jongin nodded his head. There were so many lies that it was hard to keep up. Soojung stared numbly at the white tiles that lined the floor. She had guessed it would come to this, if not sooner than later. She just didn’t expect him being the one to initiate it.

“It’s not you,” Jongin tries to comfort her but Soojung doesn’t want comforting. She’s known the truth for far too long, but it still hurt.

“I know it’s not me, it’s you and its Suzy,” Soojung spat in a bitter rage, “It’s that weird thing you’ve developed for her despite the fact that you two were basically raised like siblings.”

“That’s not fair.”

“What? That part?”

“Soojung! You’re being ridiculous.”

“I am, I was ridiculous enough to believe that you would actually forget your feelings for her and choose me instead.”

“I did, I chose you! But don’t you remember, you chose Sehun! You chose my best friend over me too, how was that supposed to make me feel?”

“Don’t turn this around on me, Kim Jongin! You know that even when you said you wanted me and despite the fact that you chose me, your heart chose otherwise. Is it really my fault? I don’t need to justify my feelings for Sehun just as you’ve never justified your feelings for Suzy.”

Jongin clenched his fist and tightened his jaw, “You know that I forgave you right?”

“For what?”

“The first time you kissed Sehun, when he came over to your house after our fight.”

Soojung froze, questions swirled in her mind, “How did you know that?”

“Sehun told me, and I forgave you.”

“You forgave me?” Soojung spat, “You forgave me and yet you’re bringing this up right now?” Soojung gripped onto her skirt, tears spilling from the corner of her eyes. “You forgave me because you didn’t care, Jongin!”

“Why do you do this every time?” Jongin snarls in frustration, “Every time I show an ounce of human failing, you discredit everything I’ve ever done for you. You’re the one who keeps pushing me away, you’re the one who’s breaking us up,” he says decisively.

Soojung cried, “Please just stop lying to me that you felt anything for me that was as close to how you feel for Suzy right now.”

“Soojung,” Jongin tried to calm her down. He grabbed her face and caressed her cheeks.

She eased into his palm and let him wipe away her tears, “It’s Suzy, it’s always going to be Suzy, and I’ve accepted that,” she pulled away just as the door clicked open. Hurriedly she wiped her tears and Jongin tried to calm himself down, ease his shoulders into a more neutral stance so that Yoochun wouldn’t catch on. “I’m leaving tomorrow. So goodbye,” Soojung sounds brittle as she quickens her pace out of the room. Yoochun looking at Jongin with pity.

***

The sun rises the next morning and Suzy hasn’t slept. Still wearing her Versace dress, Suzy flipped over to her side hoping it would stop the throbbing in her head. Her eyes were blood shot, stinging from the light that was spilling into her room through the balcony. Her stomach churned, and nausea was settling in. Maybe she shouldn’t have had drunken so much last night. Her makeup was smeared. Her phone beside her shook whilst her screen flashed. Jung Soojung is leaving Korea for good today but where was her best friend? Partying in downtown Seoul.

She held her empty bottle of pills close to her chest, turned around to the side and watched the sun rise through the curtains of her balcony. Suzy closed her eyes slowly.

***

He’s smoked two packs of Dunhill by now. He should stop but what else would calm him down other than the smoke that filled his lungs and the old bourbon that ran through his veins. Jongin leans over the rail and taps his cigarette and watches as the wind carries the ashes over to his neighbour’s backyard.

Jongin wondered what Suzy was doing at this hour.

***

The last person she expects to see standing behind her with a weary grin and a bouquet of flowers is Oh Sehun. Well maybe not entirely true after what happened last night. “What are you doing here?” Soojung asks, crossing her arms and tapping her foot impatiently as he casually strolled over. Pulling off his glasses Sehun offers her an even wider grin.

“I came to make sure that you got on the plane,” he says teasingly.

“You’re going to be the saddest and loneliest person after I leave, who else is going to entertain you once I’m gone?” Soojung rolls her eyes and turns on her heels making her way gradually towards the departure gate, graciously accepting his bouquet of flowers.

“My life would be an absolute bore without you,” Sehun confesses with a playful lilt in his voice.

“It’s alright, you’ll get over me real quick. Just like all your other girlfriends.” Soojung glances at the watch on her wrist. The plane was already waiting for her, Yoochun too so she needed to be quick.

“You’re funny to think that you’re anything like the girls I’ve dated…” Soojung looks up at him wistfully, “They were pretty at least.”

“Pretty is easy, absolutely stunning is a different level,” Soojung says.

“I was surprised to see that I’m the only one here today,” Sehun says sneaking glances at Soojung holding the bouquet of flowers close to her face. “Where’s your boyfriend and your best friend?”

“Ah well, it’s ex-boyfriend and ex-best friend now.”

“That’s a bit dramatic, I get the ex-boyfriend part but ex-best friend? But then again you were always a bit of a drama queen.”

Soojung rolls her eyes. “Goodbye, Sehun. Don’t miss me too much,” Soojung huffs and turns on her heels.

Sehun quickens his pace after her and grabs her by the wrist which catches her by surprise. He wraps his arms around her neck and buries her face into his chest. “Stay,” Sehun says, “Stay for me.” There are slivers of desperation in his voice which goes unheard due to the noise of the people around them. She had seen a flash or two go off in their direction, a few murmurs and remarks directed at them.

Soojung keeps her arms by her side, breathing in his cologne as she heard his heartbeat in her ears. She wanted to bury her head in his coat and stay, even just for a minute longer. But she knows that if she does she would never leave. Soojung clenches her fist tight and wraps one arm around his back, patting him slowly as he let her go.

“Come visit me when you can, ok?” Soojung smiles and Sehun only nods weakly.

Sehun watches as Soojung disappears through the departure gate, the last glimpse he has is of her smelling the flowers her had bought for her.

“Goodbye, Jung Soojung.”

***

It's the wrong time
She's pulling me through
It's a small crime
And I got no excuse