All along it was a fever
A cold sweat hot-headed believer
I threw my hands in the air, said, "Show me something,"
He said, "If you dare, come a little closer."
Round and around and around and around we go
Oh now, tell me now, tell me now, tell me now you know.

***

Sehun pulled up in front of the hospital and followed Jongin out of the car quickly. He chased the boy frantically to the desk and watched as he demanded to see his father. The frightened nurse pointed to the room down the end of the corridor where Jongin noticed his mother and sisters were standing with a man in a white coat.

Running towards them at a frantic pace, Jongin halted in his tracks as he watched his mother collapse onto the floor, wailing out loud as Chorong and Ara held onto her. They leaned into each other for support and wept. Dragging his feet till the end Jongin grabbed a hold of the doctor. He needed to hear it for himself.

“His heart gave in. I’m sorry, we did everything we could.”

Sehun looked over at Jongin worriedly as he steeled himself. With a stiffened back and his held his head high. Jongin walked over to his mother slowly. He carried her to her feet as she enveloped him in a hug. Jongin stared at the blue door with sharp eyes whilst Chorong and Ara moved themselves closer to their mother.

He didn’t know why he couldn’t cry.

***

The driver took his mother and sisters home that night. Sehun took Jongin. The boy had just stepped out from the morgue after having to do the arduous task of identifying his father for the records. His mother needed to be carried to the car, sadness, grief and fatigued had consumed her whole that she could not move. “I can take you somewhere if you don’t want to go home,” Sehun says. He takes Jongin’s silence as contemplation. 

“Just take me home, I need to be there for my family.”

Sehun nods his head and makes a right turn, following the family car all the way to Jongin’s house.

Upon arriving, Sehun spots Suzy waiting at the front of the house for them. When Sehun pulls over Suzy waits for Jongin to step out before she envelops him into a hug. She holds onto him tightly and he wraps his arm back around her.

Jongin holds onto her just a little longer because he thinks he deserves it. Especially after what had happened tonight. He breathes in her hair and buries his face into the crook of her neck as she reassures him that it’s ok to cry. Except he doesn’t. Jongin hasn’t figured out how he hasn’t managed to shed a single tear since his father had died.

He breaks away from the hug, “You two should go home and rest. You have school.”

“I’m not going, I’ll come by to help,” Suzy says defiantly.

Jongin tousles her hair like he usually does, “Don’t. It’s my family. I can take care of them myself.”

What Suzy doesn’t say is who will look after him. She nods her head silently and accepts his proposal. Maybe the best way to take care of him was to give him some space. In time Jongin will come to her.

***

People are gathering at the funeral home and Jongin is busy greeting the guests. His mother is sitting by his father’s photo. She hadn’t slept for the past few days, her eyes were dark, and her body was frail so much that the wind that blew outside in the breeze would be enough to pick her up and carry her away.

Jongin recognises a few of his father’s business associates, some people from work, mostly the managers and supervisors and Soojung.

“I’ll definitely get the contract back to you by next week,” Jongin says as a man in a black suit walked away from him. As if Jongin wasn’t already carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders alone, he hasn’t even managed to properly grieve his father’s death.

She walks over to the table and lights incense to show her respect. She bows before turning to Jongin who keeps his eyes locked on the floor as he greets her. “I’m sorry for your loss, Jongin-ah.” Soojung offers him a hug and a pat on the back, “If you need help—”

“Thank you,” he says. His voice sounds hollow and distant and Soojung feels uneasy listening to him. He seemed so distant from the boy she was with a few nights ago.

Just as she turns around Soojung notices Sehun and Joohyun standing in the back corner of the room. He’s got his arm wrapped protectively around her as she leans into him slightly. No one had told her that Sehun was close with Joohyun. “Sehun?” Soojung taps his shoulder as he turns around to her, Joohyun loosens her grip around his waist and stands up straight.

“Hey, have you seen Jongin?”

She nods her head solemnly before turning her attention to the petite female beside him. “You must be the famous Joohyun I’ve heard so much about. I’m Jung Soojung.” She extends her hand and Joohyun shakes it gently.

“Nice to meet you,” she says.

“Are you close with Jongin?” Soojung asks feeling almost territorial at the new girl who was ready to take her place. 

Sehun glares at her but Soojung ignores him, “We’ve met before and he helped me.” Soojung doesn’t know that Suzy tells Joohyun stories of them. The story of Jongin, Sehun, Soojung and Suzy who’s lives felt more fiction than anything. “I just wanted to be here for him, Suzy and Sehun.” She glances at the taller boy and wraps her arm around his back and offers him a gentle pat.

It wasn’t so hard for Soojung to see why everyone loved her.

***

Guests donned in all black made their way into Jongin’s house where caterers had snacks and refreshments ready for them. There were photos of Jonghyun lined up around the house, from his youth till his death. It was meant to be a celebration of life but ironically no one felt like celebrating.

Ara stood by her mother’s side as she had been doing since her father died. She held onto the older lady and offered support as guests offered their condolences that seemingly fell on deaf ears. But Ara was kind enough to thank them and usher them inside.

“I haven’t seen Jongin since we came home from the funeral, he’s not upstairs in any of the rooms,” Chorong glances around the room filled with people in hopes to spot him but to no avail.

“I’ll go look for him,” Suzy suggests but Sehun holds her back.

“No, I’ll do it.”

Sehun makes a quick loop through the backyard where some of the guests had scattered themselves across the lawn. He wasn’t sure if they knew the reason why they were at this party. Some of them seemed to be having a lot of fun despite being at a wake for a dead man.

He eventually finds Jongin where he’d thought he’d be. At the back of his down on the edge of their property, Jongin had a tree house. It was built when they were kids, abandoned by the time they entered high school. The wooden stairs creaked as Sehun made his way up and across the small room to Jongin. His usually fitted suit was now consuming him. He was beginning to fade away and Sehun didn’t know what he could do but he knew he needed to be there for his friend.

“Do you remember when we were kids?”

Sehun sat down beside Jongin, their backs resting against the wall. Jongin didn’t move, his shoulders were slouched and his head was hanging low.

“We used to have super powers. Your power was teleportation. Mine was wind.” Sehun opened his hands, palm facing towards the sky. “Whenever I would get jealous you always took my hand and let me borrow your power and I could teleport anywhere I wanted. I also really wanted to run away a lot back then but you told me you’d use your power to find me.” Sehun chuckles at the memory of them both.

Two scrawny boys playing in the grassy fields with super hero masks that did little to hide their identity. They’d get mud stuck on their shoes and their capes and in their hair but it didn’t matter. It was about being young, wild and free. Humans (Suzy and Soojung) didn’t understand them, but Jongin and Sehun knew how special they were.

“When I needed it most you gave me strength,” Sehun says almost on the verge of tears himself – an overwhelming feeling of sadness for his friend’s loss. He reaches for Jongin’s hand and places it in his. Sehun wraps his fingers around Jongin’s palms. “Now let me give you strength,” Sehun says his voice barely above a whisper as he tried to hold on for Jongin.

Sehun squeezed Jongin’s hand tightly, he didn’t know what else he could do or what else to say. Jongin was always the one who was better with words, he was always the one better at comforting. Sehun feels hopeless as he stares at Jongin’s limp hand in his when the other boy squeezes back.

Jongin grabs onto Sehun like he’s clinging on for dear life and Sehun gives as hard as he gets.

***

Suzy and Joohyun walk back home quietly. As Suzy opened the door she was overwhelmed with sadness. She was unable to express herself properly before but everything had suddenly come crashing down and Suzy didn’t know what to do. “It’s ok,” Joohyun is quick to brace her little sister and her head gently.

“I almost lost mum once, back in America…” Suzy says through her sobs. “There were so many times when I had wondered if life would’ve been better if she had died that day—”

Joohyun grabbed her shoulder and pushed her hair away gently trying to observe her face. “Suzy…”

“I’m so selfish. How could any child wish their parents dead? I never took into consideration her feelings. I just wanted things to be the way I wanted it to be—”

“You are one of the least selfish people I’ve ever met.” Suzy stops mid rant and catches her tears. “Look at how much you’ve done for me in the past few months? You can’t call yourself selfish. The things with Jihyun you can fix, but don’t be too hard on yourself.”

“I’m sorry,” she says and takes a deep breath, “I’m just sad for Jongin.”

“Of course you are,” Joohyun says with a smile. “He’s your best friend, his happiness is your happiness and his sadness is your sadness.”

***

There’s a knock at the door and it echoes in his room. Jongin stays motionless as the door creaks open and a stream of light creeps in. Suzy slipped through the crack she had made for herself and closes the door behind her. He raises his head, eyes lined with dark circles.

“How are you?” she asks, not really expecting a response. “I came because I was worried about you.” Joohyun’s words had managed to strike a chord with her. It was foolish of her to wait for Jongin to come to her.

“I’ll be fine…” he says. He finishes the last sip of his father’s favourite scotch and places it on the table.

“Of course, I know you’ll be,” she says and grabs the bottle on the table and pours him another glass. She hands it to him and takes a seat beside him on his bed. They sit in silence as she rests her head on his shoulder and he rests his head on hers. The candle light flickers, in the dimly lit room, the scent of vanilla wafting through the air.

It reminds him of his childhood at their summerhouse. The day his father promised him the world would be his, the day he handed him the gold key. Jongin was now months shy of his eighteenth birthday and he would never know what his father had intended for him.

“My father spent years building his empire, he practically worked himself to death.”

“Everything he did he did for you, Jongin. All he ever wanted was for you to have everything he didn’t have.”

“I would rather have a poor man for a father, than a dead one.”

He doesn’t want to sound so bitter, Suzy knows this. He’s just hurt, lost and angry. She runs her hand across his back to try and soothe him and rests her chin his shoulder. Jongin turns his head and is stunned by the distance between them. He caresses her cheek, tucks a loose strand of hair behind her ear and kisses her in one breath.

Suzy closes her eyes, tastes his lips of an aged bourbon and cigarettes and pulls away. “I’m sorry,” Jongin says immediately and gets up from his bed.

Suzy stammers, looking for the right words to reassure him but words are lost on her in this moment. She grabs him by the wrist and he turns back into her, grabbing her face and kissing her deeply. Before he knew it Jongin’s fingers were spread over her thighs as he pressed her against the wall. Suzy straddled his waist, ran her fingers up his neck and into his hair as she pulled him closer, deepening the kiss. He carried her slowly to his bed and placed her down on her back, intertwining his fingers with as he brought her hand over her head.

He kissed her lips in haste and Suzy could feel him running his hands down her back and waist as he planted kisses down her neck and collarbone. “Jongin,” she whispers, and caresses his cheeks. She stares into his dark eyes, and brings him closer to her face. “I’m not going anywhere,” she reassures him with a soft smile.

“Sorry,” he whispers.

“Don’t be,” she says, fingers tracing his jaw.

Jongin leans in again for her lips, carefully depressing onto her as their bodies meld together and he kisses her slowly, tenderly. Suzy pushes herself off the mattress as she kisses him, turning him over onto his back. Straddling his hips, Suzy took off her slip dress, “Let me help you,” she says.

Her hands ran across his chest, ing his shirt, slowly, one by one. She planted a trail of kisses down his chest as she went. Tonight Suzy wanted to give her all to him, the boy who deserved her love the most.

***

The last time they slept together was when Jongin’s cheeks were still filled out with baby fat in their make shift blanket forte. Now they were hollow, his face painted by the moonlight looked so angelic. Otherworldly. Suzy didn’t sleep, she hasn’t been able to. There’s an unsettling feeling in the pit of her stomach, something that made her feel uneasy.

She reaches for her dress off the floor and slips gracefully into it. In the moonlight Suzy tiptoes around his room, searching for her belongings. She was careful to not wake him up. Every time he stirred, she held her breath and hoped that he wouldn’t open his eyes.

She grabbed her phone off the floor and quietly let herself out of his room. “Goodnight, Jongin.”

***

Jongin stirs in his sleep, his sheets wrapped around his body as he rolled over. He opened his eyes slowly, his fingers running across his spacious bed. His sheets were cold and Jongin wondered at what time it was that Suzy left. He reached for his phone to check the time. It was only barely nine.

He climbs out of bed, picking up his pants off the floor and slips them on. It was cold, he had left the balcony door open. Rubbing his arm to keep himself warm, Jongin pulls a jumper from his shelf and wears it on. He looks around the room for traces of her. Anything to tell him that last night happened. That it was all real.

There’s nothing. Jongin sits back on his bed and dials for her number. The phone rings twice before he’s directed straight to her voicemail. The second time he calls it doesn’t even ring. ‘This is Suzy, leave a messa…’

“Suzy, this is Jongin. Where are you? Call me back?” Jongin sighs and buries his head in his hands. “Damn it,” he cursed.

***

Suzy drives all the way back to Joohyun’s house. It’s seven in the morning when Joohyun opens the door, bleary eyed still in her pyjamas. “I slept with him.”

“Who?” Joohyun asks immediately, all the sleep dispelled from her the moment Suzy had said it. “What did you do?”

“Jongin, I slept with Jongin!”

“Suzy, I thought you told me he had a girlfriend.”

“That’s the thing! He does and she’s so kind and so good for him right now. I could never give him the happiness she gives him,” Suzy collapses onto her couch. Joohyun rushes over when she notices how upset she was and cuddles up to her. She her hair gently and hushes her. “He’s in love with another girl and last night, when he was vulnerable I took my chance with him.”

“Were you drunk?”

“We both had a sip or two, but nothing till the point where we’d forget.”

Joohyun pursed her lip, “So you both knew what you were doing?”

“I guess… but that’s not the point. He was sad and he just lost his father.”

“Have you spoken to him?”

“No, I left his place and drove straight here. I feel like I need to be as far away from him as possible.” Suzy glances at her phone just as Jongin calls her and she hangs up immediately. She switches her phone off immediately after and Joohyun only shakes her head, suppressing an awkward laugh.

“It’s going to be alright,” Joohyun braces the younger girl tighter. “Did you want to go grab some food? It’ll help take your mind off things.”

“I’m not really hungry,” she says as she buries her head in her hands.

***

Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving
'Cause when you never see the light it's hard to know which one of us is caving.
Not really sure how to feel about it.
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you.
Yeah, it takes me all the way.
I want you to stay, stay.

Apologies, I wanted to post this a week after but work got in the way.
Thank you all for reading. I hope you enjoyed and please leave a comment.
xo