Four years old with my back to the door
All I could hear was the family war
Your selfish hands always expecting more
Am I your child or just a charity ward

***

Suzy arrives home in the afternoon with Soojung and Sehun tailing close behind her. Both of them persistent in not leaving her side was becoming both a blessing and a curse. Soojung wouldn’t even let Suzy use the hospital bathroom without leaving her side. Despite all of her protests, despite how much she’s done to push them away, Suzy’s glad that they haven’t left her. Even though she knew that she’d give up on herself so easily.

Eunsang caresses Soojung’s cheeks, “Have you been eating well in France? The more I look at you the more it would seem as if you’re wasting away.” Soojung fists her hands into pockets, out of sight from everyone.

Suzy wonders if Soojung has been eating. She wonders if the stress of the move was taking its toll on her. All the new people, the lack of friends, the language and a different country. Soojung’s lips curve downwards and the girl frowns, “I’ve missed your food so much.”

Whilst Sehun helps Suzy up the stairs, Eunsang dotes on Soojung and Suzy is thankful for that. It meant less attention on her and more on someone deserving. “You ok?” Sehun asks, noticing how she took a break midway to observe Soojung and Eunsang organising dinner for the night. Soojung was listing all the Korean food she had missed and Eunsang was making a list diligently.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Suzy turns her head and walks up the stairs, hand hovering over the railing. She could feel Sehun’s hand on her lower back, guiding her up the steps.  After settling down in her bed, Sehun is about to leave when Suzy calls him back. “We’re not done, Sehun!”

Sehun arches his brow and crosses his arm, “Not done with what?”

Suzy pats the bed excitedly calling for him to take a seat and Sehun does so wearily.

“Tell me who this girl is.”

All the tension in the room from Sehun fades and he bursts out into a hysterical laugh. “Are you kidding me? You’ve just come home from the hospital and this is what you want to know?”

“I’ve been sleeping all day! God only knows what I’ve missed.”

“Nothing much, Suzy.” Sehun stands up and tousles her hair lightly. “I’ll talk to you next time when you’re awake. It’s juicy goss I don’t think your brain can handle right now.” Sehun’s teasing and Suzy rolls her eyes. “If you’re looking for something to do, maybe call Jongin and tell him you’re safe and home. You know he’s been worried about you.”

Suzy smirks, “Worried?”

“You know how Princess is,” Sehun says, “He likes to sulk especially when it comes to you but he cares.”

“Don’t say it like that.”

“Like what?” Sehun shrugs his shoulders.

“Like we’re ‘a thing’, like there’s something going on—”

“And is there?”

If it wasn’t for the stammer and hesitation in Suzy’s voice Sehun might’ve believed her. But he knew well enough about the issues between Suzy and Jongin to ever take what they say at face value. He knew about Soohyun and his real motives. He could only imagine the anguish that Jongin felt. He knows about Suzy’s loyalty to Soojung and her tendency to put other’s happiness before her own.

“I’m not saying anything, I’m just saying as a friend you should reach out to him. You guys have known each other your entire lives and the past few days have been hard on everyone but more so him. At least we had days to absorb the information. Everything just dropped on him all at once.” Sehun doesn’t mention anything about Soohyun to Suzy for fear of upsetting her.

“Alright,” Suzy sighs and crosses her arms. “This side of you isn’t fun.”

Sehun rolls his eyes, “Tell me about it, I’m not used to being the serious one. So get your heads back in the game. The girls all miss me at the clubs.”

“What about the girl from the church?” Suzy teases and Sehun chuckles.

“Rest up, Suzy.”

With a click Sehun closes the door behind him and Suzy is left to her lonesome. She stares at the gold lining around her room and traces the cracks of the walls with her eyes.

***

It had been such a while since Jongin had found himself at the theatre. It was also a nice distraction for Jongin to sit in the large theatre. Sometimes he’d go there with Sehun and they’d mess around on the stage, after all the Kims were the ones funding the place. There were times he’d go with Soojung and they’d watch performances together. The first time he was here, it was with Suzy on a field trip with their ballet school. It was the first time Jongin developed his craving for the stage; the desire to perform.

Tonight there was a production of Swan Lake from Seoul of Performing Arts and Jongin was keen to see the competition. He had missed the first act already having only just decided to attend. The theatre was moderately filled but Jongin took a seat at the top where he could clearly see the whole stage.

He watched as Odette, curled up on the stage away from the Prince’s bow and arrow and in that moment Jongin wanted to sweep the hurt maiden up in his arms. After all, Jongin has played the role of the Prince, once before. As he raised her head, slowly, Jongin recognised her immediately. Even without her black hair cascading down her back, but pulled back so neatly into a bun Jongin recognised her.

Flicking through the brochure Jongin looks for the name beside the character Odette. A smile grows on his lips.

Now he remembers her.

***

He let out his breath as the crowd applauses and he brings his hands together to join them. He quickly makes his way down the steps and fights against the wave of people leaving to the stage. He walks up the stage, and follows the group of ballerinas, giggling and praising each other backstage. He picks her out of the group, the one with the brightest smile. Odette.

“Hi,” he grabs her by the elbow gently and she jumps at his touch. The other ballerinas turn, staring wearily as they formed a semi-circle behind her.

“Jongin,” his name leaves her lip and immediately Jongin wishes he’d remember her immediately the first time. She sounded sweet, shocked but her expression eases after Jongin loosens his grip on her arm.

“Kang Seulgi,” he laughs and her expression morphs into one of bewilderment. “I remember you now.”

She smirks, “Really? Took you long enough.”

“Hey, you were seven the last time I saw you, you can’t expect me to remember…”

“Yes, but Suzy remembered me,” Seulgi winked, “I guess she’s always been the smarter one.”

Jongin stops himself from rolling his eyes, if only she knew how that was far from the truth of late.

“What are you doing here tonight?”

Jongin knew that there was no point in telling Seulgi about anything. Plus he had wanted to escape from his life for the night. “Would you like to grab a drink with me?”

“Oh I’m not sure if that’s wise,” Seulgi winks and ushers for her friends to go ahead without her. They all eye Jongin carefully, some girls grinning, some looking on worriedly. He scratches the back of his head nervously.

“Why’s that?”

“You see, I’m on a diet,” Seulgi laughs, “Ballerina stuff.”

Jongin smirks, “That’s fine, I’ll grab a thick shake whilst you get a fruit smoothie. Come on, just one drink. It’ll be good to catch up.” Seulgi presses her lips into a thin line and smiles but she turns around and sees her mother waving her over.

“Unfortunately, I can’t tonight,” she says, “Maybe next time?” Seulgi dashes off before Jongin realises that he doesn’t have her number. The only thing he knows is that she’s a student at Seoul Performing Arts and that she’s Kang Seulgi, the girl who had his first kiss.

***

“Yes, I know, I’ll be back soon, it’s just I got caught up—”

Soojung had spent the past hour speaking on the phone with her mother back in France. With the amount of pacing she was doing she was surprised the floorboard hadn’t worn out completely beneath her. She slumps down into her bed, rolls her eyes and sighs. Her mother had been concerned about how she was already missing school in France and she had only been there for a few weeks.

She talks about how San had been visiting every day to keep her company whilst Soojung was away and that the boy missed her too. Except it does little to inspire Soojung to return to France immediately. Maybe she could stay in Seoul for a little bit longer. Stay at Sehun’s hotel, after all what were friends for.

“I knew I shouldn’t have had sent you back.”

“Mum,” Soojung turns on her heels to see Suzy staring at her curiously. “I’ll be home soon, ok.” She clicks her phone and slips it back into her pocket.

Suzy smiles and Soojung isn’t sure about how much of the conversation she’s heard but she does a good job at not probing. “Eunsang’s cooked dinner,” Suzy points into the dining room, pulling her robe tighter around her body and Soojung nods.

Jihyun is first at the dinner table tonight. Suzy wonders if she’s making a conscious effort after everything to try and be there for Suzy. After all she still couldn’t shake the feeling from last night about her mother. Still it was early days and Suzy knows she shouldn’t get her hopes up too high yet.

“How’s France?” Jihyun asks, “How’s your mother?”

“Good,” she says.

“Are you settling in well? How’s your new home?”

“It’s new,” Soojung says, “It’s new and sparkly.”

“Knowing your mother’s taste, I’m sure it is. How are the people?”

“French,” Soojung says, “I can barely understand what they’re trying to say most of the time.” Soojung reaches for the bowl of rice and scoops a spoonful of meat into her bowl. She dives right in without a second thought and Jihyun watches her curiously.

“Be careful you’ll get sick later if you eat to quick.”

Soojung coughs and places her bowl down, already half consumed and Suzy pats her back. “You ok?” she asks and Soojung nods.

“I told you,” Jihyun chuckles and shakes her head. “Eunsang will make more if you like it so much.”

“I’ve just missed Korean food so much.”

Soojung bites the inside of to stop the tears from welling up. She coughs again and Suzy notices how the rim of her eyes are red and watery. “Are you o—” Suzy is about to ask when Soojung excuses herself to the bathroom.

“Sorry, I think a grain of rice must’ve gone down the wrong pipe,” Soojung says reassuringly and Jihyun nods understandingly.

Once Soojung is out of sight, Suzy glances over to her mother. “Hey, Mum, about what I asked you last night…”

Jihyun shovels a spoonful of rice into and chews it slowly. “What did you ask?” she says, mouth still full.

“I remembered you and Dad having a fight.”

“We fight a lot, you’re going to have to be specific about which one, darling.”

It was the first time Jihyun had so candidly admitted to it as opposed to denying the situation which caught Suzy off guard. “The one about you taking his child away from him again,”

“It’s a misunderstanding. You must’ve heard wrong.”

Suzy wishes she’d believe her mother. But she’s learnt from a young age that everyone lies, more specifically their parent’s lie. After all how long were they told that Santa Claus and happily ever after existed? But Jihyun lies, especially. Her mother lies the most.

Soojung returns before Suzy can prod further but she thinks that if she isn’t going to get the truth of out her maybe Doojoon will tell.

***

Hyeri greets Suzy with a bear hug when she arrives at school the following day. Although Suzy’s little accident was kept under wraps, rumours still managed to arise. Hyeri doesn’t probe because she assumes she’s in no position to. She latches herself onto Suzy and they walk through the school gate together.

“You missed quite a bit, so how about a study session later to catch up?” Hyeri chirped and Suzy nods.

“I’ll see you later during first period ok, I need to find Jongin.”

“He’s in the dance room, he’s been there all day for the past two days.”

“He hasn’t been to class?” Suzy sounded stern.

“Nope, I guess he’s lucky his parents are on board or else he would’ve been in big trouble by now.”

“Oh he is,” Suzy grumbled.

***

Suzy feels the beat of the music vibrate through her hands and feet as soon as she steps through the door. Suzy sees herself in the reflection of the mirror but Jongin seemingly doesn’t. She wonders if he can even hear her over the sound of the music. It felt like he was down at the clubs, with music blaring out of the system.

Jongin hit ever beat perfectly, powerfully, aggressively .This wasn’t the usual choreography that Suzy was used to seeing Jongin do. This was more Sehun’s style. “Jongin!” she shouts but he doesn’t hear. “Kim Jongin!” Suzy shouts over the music.

She reaches for the power button on the sound system and switches it off and Jongin pauses, ready to scream at whoever it was that interrupted his session when he sees her. “Suzy,” he scoffs.

“Yes, it’s me,” Suzy rolled her eyes and stepped closer.

Jongin’s eyes constrict, and his body stiffens. “What are you doing here?”

“I heard you’ve been spending the last two days here and not attending classes.”

“And?”

“And, I wanted to check if you were ok. You haven’t replied to any of my messages.”

“Yeah sorry, I was busy.”

“Busy doing what? Avoiding me?”

“Yeah,” Jongin says bluntly which catches Suzy off guard. “So if you don’t mind…”

“Because of what I did?”

“No, Suzy, I’m in no position to judge what lifestyle choices you make.”

“Yet I still feel like you’re holding something against me.”

“I’ve just come to realise that you being around me probably isn’t the best idea, so I needed some space. It’s as simple as that.”

Suzy is hurt by the implication that she’s bad. She knows that she’s not perfect, neither of them were. But for it to come from Jongin hurt her more. Suzy nods her head and bites her lip. “Thanks for your honesty. I’m sorry if I didn’t live up to your expectations of what a friend should be.” She stormed out of the room in a huff and stops on the other side of the door to catch her tears from falling.

She hears the music begin to play again but Suzy doesn’t turn back for Jongin because she know it’s for the best.

***

Suzy sits in the library quietly, scribbling down her notes as quickly as possible. She had missed so much and exams were coming up in a few weeks so she had to catch up on the content. Sehun sat opposite her and next to Hyeri who seemingly having a hard time studying. Suzy notices how her cheeks seemed flushed and her hands wouldn’t stop trembling as Sehun leaned over to ask for help.

Suzy stifles a laugh and Sehun turns over and kicks her under the table. She yelps and rubs her shin. Sehun places his finger to his lips as if to tell her that she was in the library but he unleashes a victorious smirk. “What?” he mouths and Suzy stomps on his foot back.

“I saw Jongin this morning,” Suzy whispers.

“I heard,” Sehun replies.

“Who told you?” Suzy glances over at Hyeri who had her head buried further into her books to avoid their gazes.

“What happened?”

“He says being around me is bad for him. He wants space.”

“He said that? Really?” Sehun snorts. It didn’t sound like Jongin to be so straight forward to Suzy.

“I guess we won’t be talking for a while.”

Sehun purses his lips and taps his pen against his book. “Jongin doesn’t blame you for what happened.”

“Wish it felt like it.”

“He blames himself.”

Suzy wished everyone would stop being so cryptic with their messages and just get straight to the point. Jongin had no reason to blame himself. Everything that happened was a result of what Myungsoo did and if it was his pure male egotism about not being there to protect her well…

“It’s not that,” Sehun says as if he can read her mind.

“Well then tell me!” she hissed.

He glances over to the side at Hyeri and shakes his head. It wasn’t the time nor place to tell her and Sehun wasn’t sure if he was the person who should be telling either. He places his finger to his lips again and points to his books before resuming his studies.

***

Jongin pulls up in front of the school building just as students were being dismissed from their classes. The last bell chimed as he climbed out of his car. He rested on the side of his car, searching for someone. He had hoped that he hadn’t missed her but of course he doesn’t because Kang Seulgi is exactly the person Jongin expects her to be. Teacher’s favourite, teacher’s pet. The dutiful student who is always the last to leave.

He sees her wave to her teacher cheerfully before skipping forward to catch up to her friends but she stops when she sees Jongin smiling back at her. She ushers for her friends to keep going. Some of the girls Jongin recognised from last night. “So how’s about that drink?” he asks and Seulgi smiles.

“You came all the way from Redwood, which is quite a bit away to ask me out on a date?”

“Are you impressed?”

“Not that easily Mr. Kim.”

“Mr. Kim is my father.”

Seulgi doesn’t seem set on the idea and it’s new for Jongin again. It hasn’t been this way for a while. After all Soojung and him were already friends. “I know you’re on a diet, so how about something healthy?”

“And what were you thinking?”

“Sushi? The best in Korea.”

“Sounds tempting, but dates and boys aren’t really a priority right now. Especially if I want to be a prima ballerina.”

“Who says this is a date? I’m just an old friend taking you out to eat.” Seulgi glances over at him suspiciously and Jongin pouts which makes her laugh. “Take pity on me will you please?” He opens the car door for her and Seulgi sighs, giving into him and climbing in.

***

Suzy is still dressed in her school uniform when she meets her father for dinner. Except Doojoon doesn’t mind. He’s just happy to be able to see her. More so to have her reach out to him first. He gestures for her to take a seat having already ordered sparkling apple juice for her. He doesn’t realise that she’s not the same doe-eyed ten year old who wanted to walk around in high heels and pretend to drink champagne anymore. But Suzy appreciates the sentiment.

“How are you? How was school?”

“You’re here early,” she says noting that it was the first time she hadn’t been waiting for him.

“There wasn’t a lot of work today.”

“So if there was work you would’ve put it before me?”

“Suzy.”

Suzy takes a deep breath and eases into the seat. She apologises and smiles, being angry at her father the entire night wasn’t going to get her the answers that she wanted. “School was fine, I had a lot of catching up to do.”

Doojoon nods, a reminder of why she had fallen so behind with her work. “How are you?”

“I’ve had better days,” she says and takes a sip of the sparkling apple juice.

“You know Suzy, if you ever need help I’m always here to talk to you.”

“It’s the exact reason I asked you to dinner tonight.”

Doojoon perks up, curiously he crosses his fingers together and leans forward. The waiter comes and takes their orders and Suzy waits for him to leave before she asks. “I remembered something over the past few days I was wondering if you could help me with.”

“Right?”

“I know we’re not on the best terms right now, but I need you to be honest with me. I need you to at least give me that.”

“I promise.”

“I remembered a fight you had with Mum when I was thirteen. I was outside the door and I heard you saying that you weren’t going to let her take your child away from you again.” Suzy pauses to observe her father’s expression which had yet to falter. He looked at her impassively and waited for her to continue. “What did that mean?”

“Have you asked your mother?”

“I don’t think we’re that kind of family where you can pass responsibility off to my mother. But yes, I have. She denied that it happened.”

Doojoon chuckles and nods his head.

“So what? Are you going to tell me?”

His expression turns serious again and Doojoon contemplates for a second before he speaks.

***

Suzy comes home and frantically runs up the stairs. Eunsang and Jihyun follow closely behind. They watched as Suzy grabbed a bag and quickly filled it with clothes. “Where are you going?” Jihyun asked. Holding her daughter by the hand.

“Getting away from you.” Suzy throws her arm backwards angrily to shake Jihyun loose. Eunsang rushes forward to help her mistress up and tries to calm Suzy down. “She lied to me! Eunsang! She lied to all of us!”

“W-what do you mean?” Eunsang asks.

“Do you want to tell her? Or should I? Because I just had a lovely dinner with Doojoon and—”

“What did he tell you?” Jihyun grabbed her wrist, demanding that Suzy be clearer with her words. She squeezed it tightly as Suzy tried to pull away from her grip.

“Everything that you wouldn’t tell me. How could you not tell me? How could you do that to your own husband? How could you do that to your own chi—”

“Alright, I cheated first, I cheated on your father first!” Jihyun gripped Suzy’s shoulders and shook her violently till the girl snapped and pushed her mother away. “So sue me for trying to find another man to love me.”

“You what?” Suzy yelped. Jihyun knew that she couldn’t take it back, she knew that she had already spilled the beans. “What do you mean you cheated on him first?”

Jihyun sighs. “I did something bad. I couldn’t deal with the guilt and your father wouldn’t look at me the same way anymore. It was complicated, Suzy,” Jihyun tried to explain, tears streaming down her cheeks but it doesn’t buy Suzy’s pity. It only riled her up.

“Complicated?” she spat. Complicated didn’t even begin to explain the situation. She had spent the last few years hating her father for what he had done to her mother. But she had done it to herself. Everything was a consequence as a result of her actions. She grabbed her bag and swung it over her shoulder, about to leave the door when Jihyun screamed.

“It was because of your sister, Suzy.” She stopped half way down the hall, heel planted firmly on the ground once more as she twirled around.

“What did you say?” she asked in disbelief, “I have a sister?”

The story that Doojoon had told her had been vastly different. Doojoon had explained that when she was younger, her mother had moved overseas with her without her father knowing. She had threatened to stay over there should Doojoon not give into her demands. In Doojoon’s mind, Suzy was his only child and he wasn’t going to lose her again.

But of course he lied because that’s what her parents did best.

***

How could you push me out of your world
Lie to your flesh and your blood
Put your hands on the ones that you swore you loved

Thank you all for reading. I hope you enjoy and please leave a comment.
xo