The more you expect, the more you let yourself become vulnerable to disappointment and pain.

JESSICA’S POV

My body may be present in class, but my mind is off wandering galaxies far from earth. I’m just staring at my teacher and nodding from time to time, acting like I’m actually listening to the discussion, when the truth is, I’m most certainly not.

My mind kept on thinking about the decision I made. I keep asking myself if giving him a second chance is a good idea or not. If going against my friends and going with the flow is a right idea.

The professor just left the room, and I can assure you I don’t have descent notes for this lecture. There’s only a page full of random scribbles, which mostly are just unidentified figures.

I was on my way to the girls who were already gathered in one side of the room, maybe discussing about what food we’re going to eat, don’t ask anymore ‘cause I know that you know how Sooyoung is when it comes to her food,  when one of my classmates approached me and told me someone was asking for me and that that person was waiting for me outside.

I just a gave a signal to Fany that they go ahead. She just gave me a nod and told the other girls. I saw them leave as they gestured that they’re going to go ahead first.

I made my way to the other door where my classmate told me the person who was waiting for me was waiting. [A/N: This line was a bit complicated and even I couldn’t understand what I’m writing. But I know that all of my readers are smart, so I know that you get what I’m trying to say. ^_^]

As I opened the door, I saw the face of the person who was in a state of panic this morning due to someone who over reacted towards my situation. I don’t know what he’s doing here, but I’m guessing that he’s concerned? Well, that’s his duty anyway, being one of the school nurse and all.

“Oh. May I just inform you that your boyfriend is still in the clinic, and we’re about to have our lunch break. Since he hasn’t awaken yet, and it’s kind of rude if we wake him up, we have no choice but to lock him inside until we come back. Well, that’s our first plan. But we remembered you, so we decided to ask you to take him out of the clinic. You being his girlfriend and all.”

“Oh. You must’ve mistaken. I’m not his girlfriend.”, I said in response as soon as he said the g word.

“By the way you reacted and the speed you answered back, you must be in the in denial stage. But anyways, please do wake him up, ‘cause if you don’t, we’re really going to do the first plan. I’ll go ahead first. Please lock the clinic door when you leave. Thanks.”, the nurse said with a teasing smile on his face as he turned and walked the other way.

“Aiish. What did I get myself into?”, I frustratingly messed up my hair and stomped my feet causing the attention of the people around to be subjected to me.

I slowly opened the clinic door, trying not to make any sound because I don’t want to wake him up. Funny and ironic. My purpose was to wake him up and get him out of here, but I’m doing some ninja moves here just so he can continue his beauty rest. *epic face palm*

The nurse was correct when he told me that it’s rude to wake up someone. I know. I’m a heavy sleeper and I know how it feels when someone messes up your beautiful sleep, it just ruins the essence of the word “rest”. With that being said, I didn’t wake him up. At first, I just stood near the doorway, hoping that he would wake up any time soon, but he didn’t, and I got too tired, so I sat on one of the couches. While sitting, I used my arms as a stand for my resting head, but I got tired again.

I searched the whole clinic for an armchair, so that it would be easier for me to rest my head, but unfortunately, there was none. My last resort was to sit on the stool near the clinic bed and rest my head on the bed itself, inches away from him.

Carefully, I placed my head on top of the soft, comfortable bed. I tried my best to make a gap between me and him. I don’t like the feeling of his flesh touching mine, it gives me an odd feeling and makes me feel uncomfortable.

When moments ago, I was desperate to find something to rest my head on for me to be able to also take some rest, right now, even with the presence of this comfortable item handling my head, I’m unable to rest my head.

Because the moment I close my eyelids, tons of thoughts come in and out of my mind. The number of thoughts that were running in my mind was like a handful of dust, may seem small, but there are so many uncountable particles.

I lifted my head. There’s no point in forcing myself to sleep if my mind doesn’t allow me to.

I scanned for things I could ponder on, but there’s just none. So I got bored, and I unintentionally played with his fingers. I couldn’t take the boredom anymore.

--(. O ) ( O . O ) ( O .)—

I caressed his face, the way I used to caress it when he would choose to sleep in my lap rather than on the sofa.

**

We’re already here in the cafeteria, and I can’t help but feel awkward whenever he does his sweet stuff with me, especially in front of my friends. I can ignore all the deadly stares of my female friends but there’s this one stare that I just can’t help but brush off.

He was just quiet the whole time. He just eats and drinks the water Jae bought for them. The only time he opened his mouth is when he eats, not one word escaped his mouth. I was expecting something from him. I want to hear his opinion about this situation. I also don’t know why it’s important for me to hear his say on this. Maybe because he’s gone through the same pain I’m gone through before, or maybe..

Aiish~ Brain processing too much information.

My brain was too caught up in my thoughts that I didn’t realize I was already staring at Jaejoong. And again, it was awkward. Yes, there’s still this happy feeling inside me whenever I see him, but it’s different from the feeling I used to feel because of his presence.

I can feel my face turn red. Not because of the things Jae said. But because of frustration.

I may look calm on the outside, but deep down inside, all the frustration is building inside me. I’m really disturbed by the situation right now, the situation I put myself into. Oh, right. I chose to put myself in this frustrating state.

“I’ll go ahead first.”,  Hae said.

That made me snap out of my thoughts. I don’t know why, but it feels like he didn’t include me when he bid his farewell. It seemed like he just intended to say goodbye to everyone... except me.

FRUSTRATION!! Frustration adding up even more! I can’t explain to myself what I’m feeling right now. I feel sad! And I don’t know why! I want to pull all my hair off my scalp! I couldn’t take it anymore, so I just buried my head between my arms that are crossed on top of the cafe table.

*school bell rings*

With a record-breaking speed, I gathered all my things and left the cafeteria without saying goodbye to Jaejoong and the others. I had a feeling that if I stayed longer, my head will burst. I’d rather escape than wait for it to explode in front of everyone.

I made my way, I mean ran my way, to the nearest comfort room. Just locked myself inside one of the cubicles. Just stared at the white, blank door of the cubicle, hoping my brain would be like it, blank and uncomprehending. Like it doesn’t have anything to worry about.

I heard a cute voice of a girl, “Jessica, are you alright?”, as she knocked on the door.

I unhesitatingly opened the door and met the gaze of one of my newfound friends. She pulled me into a hug, and that’s when I started to burst out crying.

“I may not know what your problem is, but I just want to let you know I’m here to listen and help you the best possible way I can.”

That made me cry even more.

I don’t want to be a burden to my friends anymore. But my decisions were in contrast to what I’m trying to do. I feel so stupid for trying to realize that only now.

“I’m just hoping that I could feel happy just like before.”, I said in between sobs. “I just want to go back to the time when everything was simple, he was my happiness and I was his.”, I added, finding it hard to breathe everytime a word leaves my mouth.  I told her my problems, everything that’s in my mind. Everything that was bugging my thoughts.

Minutes after, I regained my right state.

“Thank you, Sunny. I don’t know what to do without you.”, I thanked her and hugged her.

“No problem. *smiles* I was on my way to my classroom and I saw you running with a bugged expression on your face. I sensed that there was something going on with you that’s why I followed you here. Are you okay now?”, she asked in concern.

“I’m feeling better now, thanks to you.”, I checked my wrist watch and, “Oh. It’s already passed our class time. I’m sorry if I made you skip your class.”

“It’s alright. I can manage catching up on the lesson. You’re my concern right now.”, she said as she lightly tapped my shoulders.

“thank you so much, Sunny. I owe you one.”

“Naah~ Forget about it. You being my friend is enough.”, she said with her very adorable smile.

It was five minutes before the bell rings again, so we decided to head to the canteen to buy some drinks because she said I might be dehydrated due to the extreme amount of liquid that has gone out of my body, so it is suggested that I take in a lot of water that could replace what I lost. Wow. This new friend of mine is a genius. She and Seo could get along just fine.

Speaking of Seo...

I grabbed my cellphone out of my pocket and checked for messages and missed calls. And, as expected, they were flooding me with texts and calls. They were all asking where I was.

I replied to their texts saying I was on my way back and I wasn’t feeling well so I went to the clinic. I lied.

The bell already rang and me and Sunny parted ways, but I told her to meet me at the cafeteria right after dismissal.

I entered the room and the girls ran towards me asking me if I’m alright and if I’m feeling better. I just nodded and smiled at them. Liar. You’re a complete liar Jessica.

I was scanning the room, trying to find him, and when I did, our eyes met. For a moment, our eyes locked with one another, but he was the first one to redirect his gaze. I heard a “tik” coming from my heart.  It was a small, yet very painful thing.

I put my hand in my chest, checking if my heart is still beating, trying to see if it’s still there. Phew~ It’s still there. I let out a sigh of relief, causing the girls’ attention to be directed to me.

“Are you sure you’re okay Jessie?”, Fany approached me and put her hands on top of my forehead. “Your temperature is normal, you don’t have a fever.”, she added.

“Are you hurt anywhere?”, Taeyeon said as she approached me.

Yeah. I’m hurt.

“Omo~ Where?”, they said in panic.

( O . O ) did I just say my thoughts out loud? Pabo~

“Huh? Did I say I’m hurt? I said.. uhmm.. I’m here. Didn’t you ask me if I was here?”, I acted all innocent while I answered.

Deep inside, I’m praying to all the greek and roman gods that they believe what I’m saying. Zeus~ Jupiter~ Make them believe juseyo~

“Your ears need some cleaning, Jessie.”, Tifanny said teasingly and then laughed causing the others to laugh also. That was a relief. It’s kind of a rare instance that they believe my made-up excuses, they know me too well that they can easily tell when I’m lying or not. Sort of a creepy thing.

*school bell rings*

So our class just started and my eyes are fixed not on the teacher discussing about the importance of knowing Economics to our daily lives and to the society, but is fixed on him.

Although what I can mostly see his back and only a part of his face, I still couldn’t stop myself from focusing on it, and not on the teacher.

All the blah blah blahs my teacher was lecturing about was just going in one of my ear, then goes out on the other. I can hear it, but not understand it, not even a single word.

*school bell rings*

It’s dismissal time and my brain hasn’t come back yet. I guess it went strolling somewhere out there ‘cause I  can’t seem to find it inside my head. My head is heavy, but I’m pretty sure it’s just full of air right now.

Oh. Before I forget.

“Girls! Guys! Would you mind if we hang in the cafeteria first before we head home? I’d like you to meet someone.”, I said with the sweetest smile I can have.

“Don’t tell me you’re bringing another guy from your past again.”. Sooyoung said in a sort-of-pissed-but-in-a-joking tone.

*cough cough*

I heard a very loud cough, making me look at where it came from. And to my surprise it was from Donghae who was holding a bottle of mineral water. It seems like he was drinking moments ago and choked from it.

I don’t know what has gotten to me, but I rushed towards him and caressed his back. It was when his breathing settled, and when our eyes met that I realized what  have just done.

I looked around and saw everyone’s shock-plastered faces. I can’t blame them for having those reactions, I ,myself, am shocked about what I did.

To escape the tension, I grabbed my bag and ran towards the door. But before leaving I shouted, “See you guys at the cafeteria!”, and off I go.

I went to the nearest comfort room and as soon as I entered, I washed my face with water. I just let the cold water drip to my face, hoping that it could help lessen the heat I can feel in my cheeks. That was totally unexplainably embarrassing. *insert epic face palm*

It took me quite some time to tell myself that it’s alright to show myself to the others now. And by the time I went out of the comfort room, I already made up a reason for such behaviour I did back there. I convinced myself that I only did it out of concern for a friend.

I really wish that my prayers would be answered the way it was answered before.

Hooooo! Relax. Remember what the movie 3 Idiots taught you.. ALL IS WELL.

I entered the cafeteria with my hands tightly gripping my cellphone. It was sort of like my way of relieving stress. And believe me, I’m in so much stress right now that I could possibly smash the phone I’m holding into tiny bits of pieces. Breathe in, breathe out. In with the positive vibes, out with the bad ones.

I felt a weak pull on the bottom part of my shirt, and when I turned to see who was pulling, I saw Sunny.

“Why did you want to meet here again?”, she said with aegyo and curiosity in her eyes.

“I’d like to introduce you to some people.”, I said with a very bright smile. “Let’s go?”, I asked.

She nodded in response and held my hand. I held it back and directed her towards a group of people who had puzzled look plastered on their faces. I tried my best to hide Sunny behind my back so no one can see her. And I guess they haven’t seen her yet, and the only thing they’re sure of right now is that me and the person I’m with is holding hands.

When we were like, 2 footsteps away from them, the girls all crossed their arms at the same time, and the guys raised their eyebrows. But Hae was... emotionless. *tik* There’s that cracking sound again.