작은별 - Akdong Musician

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23/6/14

    “Taeyeon, wake up,” Jessica whispered.
“Hmm?”
“Let’s go somewhere.”
“Wh..? What time is it?” Taeyeon blinked the sleep out of her eyes.
“Three in the morning.”
“Jessicaaaa,” she groaned and pulled the covers over her head.
“Please, I really want to do this with you—only you.”
“Can we just go in pyjamas?”
“Of course.”

    Taeyeon was not aware of Jessica grabbing two sleeping bags and a large inflatable mattress before fell asleep in the front seat of the car. Though it was three in the morning, Jessica had many things running through her mind, and the things that happened in the house in the past twenty-four hours made her feel suffocated and she just needed to get out. As she drove out of the city, the roads became noticeably emptier, with less drunken people and more trees and streetlights casting a dull orangey light on the river as she drove past. Taeyeon had taken her pillow with her and was curled up in a ball, barefoot and pyjama clad. She was awoken by the jolt of the car running over a speed bump.
“Where are we going?”
“Camping.”
“What—Sica! It’s three—wait—four in the morning! Where are we even going to camp?”
“To that place.”
“That place? Where? Is it that meadow place?”
“Yeah.”
Taeyeon sighed, “you’re lucky I don’t have work tomorrow.”
“I love you.”
“I am quite fond of you myself,” she muttered as she looked out of the window while clutching the pillow.

    By the time they arrived and Jessica had set up everything, Taeyeon was still asleep.
“Taeng,” she shook gently, “we’re here.”
“…where?”
“Do you want me to carry you?” Jessica asked. In response, Taeyeon closed her eyes again and stuck her arms out.

    Taeyeon didn’t manage to go back to sleep when she laid down on the air mattress, so she and her lover clasped their hands together and stared up into the deep purple sky in silence. The stars shone like fragments of a shattered crystal and the moon, a waning crescent, hung on the dark silken cloth of the sky. A clouded arm of the Milky Way reached out to Andromeda. The air was cool and quiet, and they felt, heard and saw much more in the darkness of seclusion than they ever would in the daylight of the bright, bustling city.
“Do you ever feel small when you look at the sky and see all the stars?” Taeyeon asked.
“If small means insignificant, then no, I’ve never thought that way,” Jessica replied as she moved closer to Taeyeon and rubbed the back of her hand with her thumb.
“Then what do you feel?”
“When I look at the stars, I…I feel at ease. I acknowledge that I’m just a small, tiny pawn in the plans of the universe, but that’s—that’s okay with me. It means that I can be who I want to be without a care, and one day I’ll die, and so will everyone I know. And at some point there will be no one on this planet, nothing, that remembers me. No one’s going to remember the I did, the bad things I’ve said, the number of times I fell down or times pissed in my pants. I’m just a tiny speck in relation to all the things out there, all the things that will be out there in the future, and that’s fine with me. I don’t need to live for anyone but myself, not even you. But the difference between needs and wants is that as typical selfish human beings, wants always have a higher priority than needs. And I’m still here because, even though I don’t need to live for you, with you—whatever, I’m here because I want to be, and not even the number stars can make that fact even a tiny bit insignificant when it comes to how I feel for you, because these feelings expand beyond the boundaries of the physical world and space. In this moment, right now, everything in my world is made out of my feelings for you. The stars would be nothing without you by my side.”
“I like how that went from a deep, thoughtful response to a very elaborate confession.”
“I’m going to roll down this hill and never come back.”
“No you won’t,” laughed Taeyeon as she wrapped her arms around Jessica and held her in place, just in case.
“I’ll just take you with me.”

    Nothing compared to watching the sun rise with Taeyeon. She had seen it many times before, on her own, with nothing else but herself, and she never wanted to go back to that feeling of crippling loneliness. 

    The difference between having nothing to lose and having everything to lose, she discovered, was that when you go from having nothing to lose to having just one, tiny little important thing, when you lose that tiny little important thing, nothing matters anymore and everything is pointless. But when you go from having everything, once you lose something, you learn to deal with loss.

    And now that losing Taeyeon was a possibility (a teeny tiny one), she was afraid. She didn’t want to go back to that hell she put herself through. It wasn’t that long ago, but it was unfathomable. As much as she tried to let go of the attachment to significance and insignificance, she knew that Taeyeon was the one star that made her feel significant.

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HI THERE

I'm sorry, once again.

I may or may have reach a point in my life where I'm not sure what I'm doing and am just lost

so yeah

thanks for still following this story tho

it boosts my ego to unhealthily obnoxious levels

yeha

im really tired right now