They have a joint practice with f(x) a few days later, and Taeyeon doesn’t miss how Krystal glares at her through all of it. If looks could kill, Taeyeon’s certain that Girls’ Generation would be reduced to an eight-membered group.

Jessica talks to Krystal later by the corner, smiling in a soft, private way, flicking Krystal’s forehead playfully before waving goodbye. Tiffany catches up to her by the door, and the two of them walk away together, chatting cheerfully. For once Taeyeon doesn’t feel jealous watching them.

“Taeyeon unnie.” Krystal touches her arm, and she almost jumps.

“Hey, Krystal.” She works up a smile. She notices that they’re the only two left in the room, and she wonders how long it would take for someone to find her body. “How’s it going?”

“They’re fine with me,” Krystal replies with that Jung coolness, “but with unnie, not so much.”

Taeyeon’s forced smile fades. She doesn’t pretend to misunderstand what Krystal’s talking about. She doesn’t know what Jessica told Krystal when she went home, but she doubts that Jessica persecuted her or even said much beyond what it took for Krystal to put the pieces together.

“I really am sorry, and I apologized.”

“And that’s all you’re going to do?” Krystal demands. “Do you honestly expect her to forgive you just because you said you’re sorry?”

“No, I don’t expect her to forgive me.” Taeyeon hangs her head. “I don’t even forgive myself.”

“Unnie cares a lot about you. She really cares about your opinion.”

Taeyeon swallows, the bitter taste of guilt and shame filling , almost choking her.

“Why do you hate her so much?” Krystal asks, sounding like she genuinely can’t understand.

“I don’t,” Taeyeon says forcefully. “I don’t hate Jessica.”

“Then why did you ignore her for months? We could all tell something was wrong. I wanted to talk to you earlier, but Victoria unnie told me not to pry, told me that it wasn’t my business. But Jessica’s my sister; she is my business.”

Taeyeon’s never thought that Jessica and Krystal look alike, but that look of resolve in Krystal’s eyes – more flinty than steely, like something might shatter or catch on fire, and you couldn’t know which – reminds her immediately and irrepressibly of Jessica, and it’s not hard to tell that they’re sisters in this moment.

“I don’t have any excuses. I know what I did was wrong and awful, and I want to fix it, and I’m not going to stop at a sorry. I just—I don’t know what to do right now. I’m not good at this.”

“At apologizing?” Krystal asks wryly, but her eyes have softened minutely.

“Well, yes. Among other things.”

“You said unnie matters to you. Have you actually told her that?”

Taeyeon gives her a blank look.

“And please don’t tell me you think she knows that already. Maybe she did, but being ignored by someone for months doesn’t tell you that they care about you – it tells you that they don’t like you.” Krystal takes a deep breath. “Do you actually like unnie, or is she just an important member of the group to you? Because there’s a difference, you know.”

“I like Jessica,” Taeyeon replies, without needing to think about it. “Maybe I haven’t told her that many times, but I-I’m just not a person who says everything I feel.”

“You’re not a person for words,” Krystal paraphrases, and Taeyeon nods. “I’m not either. People say that actions mean more than words, and sometimes that’s true, but they want to hear words.”

“You want me to tell Jessica that she matters to me?”

“I want you to do the right thing,” Krystal says evenly.

Krystal may be five years younger than her, but Taeyeon doesn’t feel like the unnie right now. She feels like she wants (needs) reassurances and answers and the help that her members look to her for all the time.

“I’m not sure if I know what the right thing is.”

“Then do what you think is the right thing.”

Taeyeon doesn’t trust her judgment very much, especially not these days. But she knows that she can’t just tell Jessica she’s sorry and expect everything to be okay. Forgiveness doesn’t work like that.

“You’re really sorry, aren’t you unnie?” Krystal asks. Taeyeon just nods in reply. “I can see it in your eyes. It’s hard to be mad at you when you look so sad, you know.”

“Maybe I do it so people can’t stay mad at me.”

Krystal chuckles. “That would be a neat trick.”

“Krystal,” Taeyeon says, and then she remembers what Jessica had said a long time ago, that Krystal prefers to be called by her Korean name, and she corrects herself, “Soojung. Thank you.”

Krystal tilts her head to the side; she reminds Taeyeon of Jessica like that for some reason. “For what? I came here to grill you about my sister.”

“I think I needed some grilling. I was feeling pretty raw earlier.”

Krystal’s mouth quirks up at the corner. “Are you well-done now? Or burned?”

“Medium-rare, maybe,” she says, and Krystal laughs. Taeyeon smiles a little too. “You’re a good sister, Soojung. I almost feel like you’re being the unnie here, instead of Jessica.”

“Unnie may be older than me, but she needs someone to take care of her too.” Krystal shrugs. “Victoria unnie is a great leader, almost more like a mom than a sister, but some days, we just take everything off her hands and tell her that we’re going to take care of her now, instead of the other way around. I think you need one of those days, Taeyeon unnie. It can’t be easy to be the leader of eight other girls, especially when you’re Girls’ Generation.”

“No,” Taeyeon says quietly. “It’s not easy. Not at all.”

“Well, sometimes things are hard because they’re worth it,” Krystal says, matter-of-fact.

Taeyeon repeats that sentence a few times in her head, and she finds it a very wise saying. Sometimes things are hard because they’re worth it, and sometimes they’re just hard, and it can be hard to tell between the two, but not this time, not for her.

“I think,” she says slowly, “I know what I need to do.”

Krystal smiles. “Good luck. And unnie?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t think it’s hard to see why Jessica likes you so much.” Krystal’s eyes suddenly narrow and sharpen; looking at her feels like staring down the point of a blade. “But if you ever put that look on her face again, I swear – I’ll make you regret it.”

Taeyeon doesn’t doubt that Krystal would make good on her threat. For a willowy girl barely out of her teens, she could sure be frightening.

“Got it. Actually, I think I got it by the holes you were boring into my head all through the practice.”

Krystal grins, not looking embarrassed at all. “I’ve been told I have an impressive glare.”

“That’s an understatement.”

“I get it from unnie, I think. I used to imitate her glares, but I could never get them right.”

“Jessica isn’t really imitable,” Taeyeon says wryly. “She’s…unique. Irreplaceable.”

“She’s many things. I think they should invent some new words just for her.”

Taeyeon laughs. “That would be a good idea.”

She could definitely use some of these words for when she talks to Jessica, but she’ll just have to make do with her meagre vocabulary. She’s not good with words, but she’ll try her best for Jessica.

After all, what you say isn’t just about the words you use; it’s about how you say them, and she’ll put her heart into it.

A/N: The line "Sometimes things are hard because they’re worth it, and sometimes they’re just hard, and it can be hard to tell between the two" is adapted from Music When The Lights Go Out by Aramley.