Taeyeon and Tiffany walk to the living room together, and Taeyeon sees relief flash across the faces of the other girls, although not surprise. Fights aren’t uncommon between the two of them; it doesn’t take a lot for them to get into one, but also it doesn’t take a lot for them to make up.

Taeyeon clears . “I think – I know we haven’t had one of these in a while, but I think it’d be a good time for a talk.”

They used to have their so-called five minute talks (although they usually lasted for more than an hour) very often, talks that Taeyeon would initiate and conclude even though she liked talking the least out of them.

She wouldn’t go so far as to say that she used to dread these talks, but she didn’t look forward to them, she didn’t think she could live up to the expectations in their faces, answer the questions in their eyes. But then again, there was also faith in their expressions, faith in her that she always thought was misplaced, undeserved, but maybe…maybe it isn’t after all.

She looks at them, at her girls, her family, and she feels such a swell of affection that she worries it will choke her. But it doesn’t; in fact, it calms her. They calm her, they reassure her, they ground her. She loves them. There are so many things that she could say about them, so many that she isn’t even sure how to say them, but there is one simple and yet comprehensive certainty among those things, and that is this: she loves them.

She only wishes that the seven faces looking at her, still with expectations and questions, with concern, but also with faith…she only wishes that seven would be eight, that together they would be nine.

But Jessica will be back soon, and then they’ll be complete again, nine, the way they should be.

“What did you want to talk about, unnie?” Juhyun asks gently, once they settle on and around the couch in a semi-circle of sorts, a parenthesis. Their living room isn’t set up like their old dorm, where they often all sat down in a circle on the floor, but this formation works alright too.

“Well, first of all, I know I’ve been—difficult, and I’m sorry about that.” Taeyeon knots her fingers together and sets them on her lap. “I’ve been worried about Jessica. I mean, I know we all are, but I’ve been…especially worried.”

“We know, Taeyeon.” Sunkyu’s voice is gentle too. “But you feel better now, right? I mean, after you talked to her.”

“How did you know I—” But of course Jessica isn’t a psychic, and she couldn’t have known about what happened unless someone told her. Judging by Sunkyu’s small smile, it’s clear who that someone is. “Yeah, I do feel better.”

“That’s good,” Sunkyu says simply.

“And anyway, I’m sorry if I’ve been taking it out on you guys,” Taeyeon continues. She isn’t sure what she wants to say, to be honest, but she needs to say something, and maybe once she gets started, they would be able to help her finish. “I didn’t mean to worry you.”

“That’s what you always say,” Sooyoung says wryly.

“It’s kind of my trademark, I guess.”

“I’m glad you talked to us about this, unnie,” Yoona says, with that earnestness of hers. “I don’t think you’ve been taking it out on us; I think you’ve been taking it out on yourself. It’s not good to keep everything bottled up inside, you know.”

“Yeah.” Taeyeon gives a wry smile. “So I’ve heard.”

“That’s kind of your trademark too, though, isn’t it?” Hyoyeon says offhandedly.

“Yeah, so I’ve heard.”

“We just don’t want you to carry everything yourself, Taengoo,” Yuri says, “because you don’t have to. We’re a group, you know. You’re our leader, but you’re still one of us, you should know that we’re always here for you.”

Tiffany gives Yuri a grateful kind of look, as if thanking her for her words, before turning her eyes to Taeyeon. “Always,” she reaffirms.

Taeyeon smiles, and to her embarrassment, feels a hot, stinging kind of pressure behind her eyes. She knows the sign of impending tears, but this time, unlike most, she doesn’t try to hold them back.

“Thank you,” she says, her voice half a whisper, but no less sincere because of it.

Tiffany puts her arms around Taeyeon, and she’s joined by Yuri, and then Sunkyu, and then they’ve turned into a big tangle of limbs and torsos that’s less like a hug and more like different parts of a whole coming together.

It’s definitely not the worst way to end off one of these talks.

“It’s good that you came to see Sooyeon,” Mrs. Jung says as she ushers Taeyeon through the door. “She hasn’t said so, but I can tell that she’s missed you all.”

“We’ve missed her too,” Taeyeon says, changing into slippers that Mrs. Jung set out for her. “How is she feeling? Is she better?”

“Oh, yes, she’s a lot better, but she just stays in bed all day and demands pizza and hamburgers and whatever else she’s feeling like.” Mrs. Jung sighs. “I’ve raised such a spoiled child.”

Taeyeon laughs. “I think she deserves to be spoiled, given the circumstances.” She breathes easier, knowing that Jessica’s doing well.

“It is nice to have her home though. It’s not easy having both my children as idols, you know.”

“I’m sure it’s not.” Her parents only have one child who’s an idol, and it’s hard enough on them. She knows how proud they are of her, how happy they are for her, but she also knows they’ve wished more than once that she’s chosen an easier path. Then again, she’s wished more than once for that too.

“I feel like I haven’t spent this much time with her in a long time,” Mrs. Jung says wistfully. “It’s so nice to be able to have some time with my daughter, but to know that the reason we’ve had this time is because…” She trails off.

Taeyeon swallows. “Mrs. Jung—”

“Just call me ‘ahjumma’, Taeyeon, don’t be so formal.”

“Ahjumma,” Taeyeon corrects, and Mrs. Jung smiles. Her smile is rather like her older daughter’s; she doesn’t just smile with , but with her whole face, with her eyes and a light in and beyond them. “I just—want to apologize.”

“Apologize?” Mrs. Jung sounds bewildered. “For what?”

“For what happened, for Jessica getting hurt.”

“Why would you apologize for that? It certainly wasn’t your fault.”

“It wasn’t my fault, but I should have done more. Something like that shouldn’t have happened.” Taeyeon swallows again. “I’m sorry.”

Mrs. Jung’s eyes soften. “Don’t be sorry, Taeyeon. Just take care of my daughter, okay?”

“I will,” Taeyeon promises. “I’ll try my best.”

“She’ll be happy that you’re here. I remember how happy she was to talk to you on the phone earlier.”

Taeyeon starts. “She was happy to talk to me?”

“Well, it was either that or she just randomly smiles whenever she’s calling someone.” There’s a twinkle in Mrs. Jung’s eyes. “Sooyeon’s missed you all, Taeyeon, but I’m sure she’s especially missed you.”

Taeyeon’s mouth feels dry. She wets her lips and swallows yet again, but it doesn’t really help. “I’ve missed her too,” she says, and it’s only a one-word change from what she said before, but for some reason the sentence feels different leaving . “I hope she’s enjoying her rest, but I-I want her back with us.”

“I’m sure that’s what she wants too.” Mrs. Jung waves towards the stairs. “You’re probably tired of talking to me. Sooyeon’s right up there, just turn left and her room is the first one you’ll see.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Ju—ahjumma,” Taeyeon says politely, still unsure of what to make of what Mrs. Jung told her. She takes the stairs a little slower than she usually does, not realizing that she’s holding onto the railing until she’s at the top. She takes a left and raises her hand to knock, but the door’s already open and there’s someone standing right behind it.

Taeyeon’s face splits into a smile before she even realizes it. “Sica.”

“Taeyeon,” Jessica greets calmly, coolly. Her voice and her face are both strangely impassive. Taeyeon falters, wondering if she did something wrong, if Jessica doesn’t want her to be here, but then Jessica turns and walks into her room, clearly waiting for Taeyeon to follow.

Taeyeon hovers awkwardly for a moment, before she takes the swivel chair by Jessica’s desk. It’s made of soft leather and very comfortable, but she feels stiff-backed and rather tense in it.

“I heard you’re feeling better.”

“I am,” Jessica replies. She sits down on the bed, slowly and a little gingerly, like she’s uncomfortable.

“Did I come at a bad time?” Taeyeon asks hesitantly.

“What? No, no it’s fine.” Jessica smiles a little, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “I’m just thinking about something.”

Taeyeon thinks that Mrs. Jung was wrong; Jessica definitely doesn’t seem very happy that she’s here.

“I can come back at a better time,” she offers, “if you want.”

Jessica tilts her head to the side. “You don’t have to be here if you don’t want to,” she says casually. “I didn’t ask you to come.”

Taeyeon feels something drop in her chest, or maybe her stomach, something cold and heavy, like an anchor sinking.

“Do you want me to leave?”

“It’s not that.” Jessica exhales, the sound full of frustration. “I just—”

“What is it?”

Jessica’s jaw clenches and sets. “I don’t want your pity.”

Taeyeon stares at her. “What?”

“I don’t want you to be here because you’re sorry for me, because you’re worried about me.”

Taeyeon shakes her head. “That’s not why I’m here.”

“Then why are you?” Jessica asks flatly.

“Because”—it shouldn’t be hard to get out, given how true it is, but maybe that’s part of why—“because I care about you.”

“Really?” Jessica asks quietly. “Do you really?”

“What kind of question is that?” Taeyeon is the frustrated one now. “Do you really need to ask that?”

Jessica looks pale, her eyes black and bleak against her face, and when she bites her lip and look away, Taeyeon feels something wrench inside her; something sharp, something painful.

“I care about you,” Taeyeon repeats, softer, “and I want you back as soon as possible. We need you.”

“Do you?” Jessica’s voice is so quiet that Taeyeon has to strain her ears to hear her. “Do you really need me? I don’t think I’m irreplaceable.”

“You are,” Taeyeon tells her, wondering how Jessica can still ask a question like that at this point, six years after debut, six years of showing why she could never be replaced or discarded. “Of course you’re irreplaceable. There’s no one like you, not even close.”

Jessica doesn’t say anything. She’s looking down and picking at the bedspread now, her hair swinging over her face, a dark curtain that makes her already pale face look whiter than ever. She looks tired and young and fragile, and Taeyeon doesn’t like seeing her like this, like all the weight they’ve been bearing for years and years has crashed down on her shoulders and she’s close to snapping under it.

“Does your head hurt?” Taeyeon asks, hunting for reasons why Jessica looks like this.

Jessica doesn’t look at her when she replies. “No, it doesn’t.”

“Does anything else hurt?”

“Taeyeon.” Jessica’s mouth curves up in the shadow of a smile. “You’re terrible at this, you know.”

“I know,” Taeyeon admits. “I’ve never been good at taking care of people.”

“You’re not so bad at it. You’re a lot better than you think. I mean, you’ve done so much for us over the years.”

“I’m the leader. That’s my job.” She doesn’t think she’s done a particularly good job, but it’s still her job.

“You don’t do it because it’s your job,” Jessica counters. “You do it because you care about us.” Her eyes are soft, and she gives a faint, gentle smile. “I didn’t mean you’re terrible at taking care of people. I meant you’re terrible at saying what you want to say. You always beat around the bush so much.”

Taeyeon didn’t realize how transparent she is, how easily Jessica can see through her. Sometimes she feels like the members know her thoughts better than she does, and it’s kind of a terrifying thought but kind of a reassuring one too.

“I’m not really sure what I want to say,” she admits. “I just want to know if you’re okay.”

“I’m okay.”

“Really?”

Jessica looks at her calmly, steadily, her expression giving away nothing. “Yes, really. I’m fine.” She sighs. “Taeyeon, I know you can do this all day, but – please just say what you want to say.”

“I’m sorry,” Taeyeon mumbles quietly, so quietly she barely hears herself.

“Sorry?” Jessica echoes, her eyebrows flying up. “For what?”

“I said I’d find you a bodyguard, but here you are, hurt, and I-I couldn’t even—”

“Taeyeon.” Jessica’s voice is quiet too, not just quiet but soft. “It’s okay. It’s not like you had a hand in it. You didn’t do anything.”

“Exactly. I didn’t.” She didn’t do anything. She didn’t help Jessica up. She didn’t insist that they should have taken a later flight to let Jessica recover. She didn’t, she didn’t, she didn’t.

“You’re not a superhero. You don’t have to take care of everything, you know. It was an accident, and it’s over. Don’t stress about it.”

It figures that even though Jessica is the one who’s hurt, she’s the one who’s comforting Taeyeon, who’s reassuring her. That’s so very much part of Jessica’s nature. She’s one for extremes. If she doesn’t care about you, she won’t even pretend to give a damn (the way that she acts in front of the cameras; or rather, the way that she doesn’t act), but if she does care…

If she does care, then you’re a very lucky person, because Jessica doesn’t hold back on affection and she gives it her all when it comes to supporting them or protecting them, with an effort that’s effortless.

It’s not something that Taeyeon has thought particularly long or hard about. Really, it’s something that she’s always known, but she’s just never pinpointed it into words before.

“Don’t stress about it,” Jessica repeats, lowering her eyes to the bedspread.

“I’m good at stressing. Sometimes I almost feel like I don’t know how not to stress.” They live in stress, after all. They have so much of it that it can be hard to imagine functioning without it. Sometimes Taeyeon feels like she’s running on it, and it’s a consuming fuel, an unhealthy fuel, but it’s worked for her so far.

“It’s hard,” Jessica agrees, “but it’d be a good thing to learn.”

“You look tired. Have you gotten enough rest?”

“Trust me, all I’ve been doing is sleeping.” It’s probably the first time Taeyeon’s heard Jessica complaining about getting too much sleep, and it would’ve made her smile if it weren’t for the circumstances that led to this.

“Did my company brighten your day, then?” Taeyeon asks lightly. Banter comes easily to her; she and Sunkyu practically communicate in it, and it’s usually not hard to exchange it with Jessica, who’s very witty, but today she hasn’t found it so easy.

Even so, she still prefers teasing to the strange heaviness that’s been suffusing the air between them, like they both feel the weight of words lingering on their tongues, words that they either can’t or won’t say. Maybe both.

“Your company is more enjoyable than staring at the ceiling or the backs of my eyelids, yes.”

“I’m honoured.”

“You should be.”

Bantering is fun with Jessica, fun and blithe and effortless. Well that’s usually the case, anyway, but right now doesn’t feel very usual to Taeyeon. When it comes to sarcasm, nobody can beat Jessica (except maybe Hyoyeon), but when it comes to using it to deflect, nobody can beat Taeyeon (except maybe Jessica).

“Do you—” Taeyeon wets her lips. “Do you mind if I come back?”

“Do you even have enough time in your schedule?”

“I’ll make time.” If Jessica wants her here, she’ll be here, she doesn’t care if she needs to bail out on a radio show or skip a practice to do it. “That is…I mean, if you don’t mind having me here.”

Jessica bites her lip, her eyes flickering up to meet Taeyeon’s for a quick moment before she looks away again. Taeyeon thinks she sees a glimpse of something in Jessica’s eyes, something deep but not dark.

“I don’t mind. You’re not too much of a pain to have around.”

“Gee, thanks,” Taeyeon says wryly, although she feels a lurch of something like relief and disappointment at the same time.

“You don’t have to though, you know,” Jessica says quietly. “I’m fine, it’s not like I’m alone. My parents are around, and so is Soojung sometimes. I’m not as bored as I seem.”

“But are you lonely?”

Jessica’s silence is enough of an answer.

Without thinking about it, Taeyeon gets up from the chair and takes a seat on the bed. She can’t help but remember that the last time she did this, Jessica was in a hospital bed, and…

“I don’t want you to be lonely.” Taeyeon doesn’t really know what she’s saying by this point, and she doesn’t like the feeling. She’s too used to scripted responses, to holding back her real thoughts, and it’s both liberating and burdening to talk like this. “And I don’t want you to be sad either. Like how you didn’t want me to be sad.”

“We’re all sad. It comes with being—what we are.”

Taeyeon can’t deny that, she can’t argue against it, because it’s true, it’s all too true. They signed away so much in their contracts; they signed away years of their lives, their youths, their freedom, and sometimes she feels like they signed away parts of themselves that they’ll never get back. She wonders if once the spotlights are off and the curtains are closed, she could return to being Kim Taeyeon, daughter and sister, instead of Taeyeon, idol and leader.

They have so much because of what they are, and she wonders how much of who they are matter. Do the fans love them for whom they are, or who they want them to be? Are they still who they were, all those years ago, or have they changed to shape themselves into who they think they should be, who others want them to be?

“I think,” Jessica starts, breaking Taeyeon out of her reveries, “you really need to worry about the trouble you could get into when you’re so deep in your head like that.”

“Sorry. I didn’t realize I was—”

“Spacing out?”

“Sorry.”

“It’s ok.” Jessica searches her expression for a moment. “What are you thinking about so intensely, anyway?”

“The group.” She doesn’t want to lie to Jessica, but she can’t tell her the whole truth either. This is the best answer she can give.

“Of course.” Jessica doesn’t sound surprised. “You always think about the group.”

“Don’t you?”

“Of course I do, but…” Jessica pauses, and Taeyeon has a feeling that she’s choosing her words very carefully. “I think about the group a lot. Not just the group as in the group, but the group as in you guys. But I don’t want to think about it all the time. I want—a break sometimes. Some time off to be myself. And I guess that’s what I’m getting now, but it would have been nice if I didn’t need a concussion to do it.”

“Jessica—”

“I can see pity from you again,” Jessica says offhandedly. “You know I don’t like pity, so put it away.”

“What would you rather see instead?”

Jessica deliberates for a while before she answers. “I don’t know,” she says, but Taeyeon feels like she’s holding something back. “When I look at you, I just see you.”

She looks at Taeyeon; there’s something young and lost about her eyes, something innocent and jaded and weary and aged all at once. Taeyeon feels like that look hits her like a blow to the chest.

“What do you see, when you look at me?”

“I see—” Taeyeon starts, and then she breaks off, because she has no idea what to say. It’s not that she has nothing to say, or even that she has too much, but she just has no idea how to answer that question. “I see more than I know,” she says honestly. “I wish I understood you better.” She gives a wry chuckle. “Well, I wish I understood myself better too. I guess I’m just not good at understanding, in general.”

“No,” Jessica says quietly, shaking her head. “You’re not good at it. And I’m tired of waiting for you to understand.”

Taeyeon’s brow furrows. “Understand what?”

Jessica answers without words as she leans forward and presses in, right against Taeyeon. She pushes Taeyeon back against the bed and kisses her, swallows her involuntary gasp, coaxes her lips open and presses in further, with her tongue and her breath, her form slight but solid against Taeyeon’s, her lips gentle at first but then harsher, more desperate.

“Taeyeon,” Jessica whispers, just one word, just her name, somehow packing so much longing and desire into those two syllables that Taeyeon feels dizzy just hearing it. “Please don’t tell me to stop.”

“Don’t,” Taeyeon croaks, her head spinning, not just because she doesn’t know what’s going on, but because Jessica’s so close – closer than she’s ever been, close enough for Taeyeon to feel every one of Jessica’s breaths as if they’re her own and see her pulse throb at the base of her neck, erratic and uneven, like hers – and yet Taeyeon feels like she still isn’t close enough. “Don’t stop.”

Jessica returns to Taeyeon’s as they fall against the bed, and Taeyeon feels like her world has narrowed to one of physical sensations: the feel of the mattress under her and Jessica against her, the taste of Jessica’s mouth, the scent of her hair and lotion. But then Jessica murmurs her name again, so quietly and quickly Taeyeon wonders if she even realizes she’s doing it, and something strange and sharp and exquisite stirs in Taeyeon’s chest, something definitely not physical although she can feel it as if it really moved beneath her rib cage.

“Jessica,” Taeyeon tries to say, but her name just comes out as an incomprehensible gasp. God, Jessica really knows how to kiss. “Jessica, what are we doing?”

Jessica pulls back, just for a moment, and Taeyeon realizes that she misses already. Oh, she thinks faintly, she’s screwed.

“I like it when you say my name like that,” Jessica says, eyes hooded and voice rough, and that’s it, Taeyeon’s gone. She’s grateful, suddenly, for the bed under them as she falls into and against Jessica, whose legs open for her to settle between, who lets Taeyeon take charge with no resistance and no questions, as if this is what she’s wanted all along.

I like it when you say my name too, Taeyeon thinks, and then thinking becomes kind of hard and so she just closes her eyes and loses herself in the kiss that’s becoming a little slower, a little sweeter, in Jessica, in the infinite and ephemeral stretch of this moment.

A/N: So, we've obviously hit a key point in the story, one that I think you guys have been waiting for for a while now. I still have my reservations about this chapter, because I don't really like the flow of it, or rather the lack of flow. But then again, I've had to do a lot of piecing together, since I wrote part of this scene a very long time ago, and I've had to edit this chapter many times. Because this is a key point in the story, there's a lot of stuff I have to work out, and this fic has completely gone off-course from the way I originally planned (and written) it, so I have even more problems on my hand.

I didn't actually intend to have them kiss so early (okay, I know it's not very early) in the fic, but the kiss scene kind of wrote itself, haha.