A/N: So, I’ve picked this up sooner than I expected – I guess I've become a lot better at compartmentalizing; when I’m writing this fic I have…tunnel perception and I’m only thinking about my story, not what happened – and last weekend I ended up staying up until 3 am two nights in a row writing this. (So, the story of this fic, basically.) I’ve been trying to clean this up but it’s still quite a mess; cohesiveness is just not my strong suit, it never has been.

I've been so focused on the TaengSic part of this fic in the past few chapters that I've neglected the Taeyeon-centric part. As a result, I've strayed away from the earlier mood of this fic – I've lost some of the introspective and pensive elements. I think I've remedied that with this chapter and the following one, but don't worry guys, I'm not going to put TaengSic to the side, not after how long and much I've worked to get them to this point. I'm just going to be more careful about and aware of the balance. Finally, this fic has veered off angst and into my favourite genre: fluff :D

To understand a scene in this chapter, I would suggest watching this video.

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They kiss, a lot. Taeyeon likes kissing Jessica, and it’s not just because Jessica is great at it. Kissing Jessica doesn’t make butterflies explode in her stomach or anything, but it’s—

She hesitates to label it nice because it’s far from just nice. It’s like touching the edge of a candle flame, like remembering a word that’s been dancing on the edge of your tongue. It’s too much. It’s not enough. It’s Jessica.

Taeyeon’s eyes are usually closed when they kiss, but sometimes when she opens them and sees the way Jessica looks while kissing her…

It makes her press back harder with her lips, with her tongue, with her whole body and the want she can feel burning beneath the surface of her skin. She wonders if Jessica knows how badly Taeyeon wants her. She wonders if she knows how badly Jessica wants her. Sometimes Jessica kisses her like she’d be happy to just keep doing this forever and she doesn’t need anything more, would never need anything more. Other times Jessica kisses her like she wants to consume her, like she wants to breathe her in and swallow her whole and keep her to herself.

“You’re—really good at this,” Taeyeon gasps.

Jessica tugs Taeyeon’s bottom lip into and bites down on it rather harshly, like she wants to leave the imprint of her teeth behind. Taeyeon feels light-headed but in a decidedly pleasant way.

“You’re not so bad yourself,” Jessica murmurs, one hand cupping Taeyeon’s jaw, the other settling at the small of her back, her touch warm through two layers of clothing. Jessica likes to do that, to put her hands on Taeyeon, like she’s memorizing the feel of her, like she’s staking a claim.

Taeyeon doesn’t mind.

When Taeyeon was a teenager, she couldn’t stand coffee. She found it too bitter, no matter how much milk and sugar she added. Over the years, however, she drank so much of it that she almost worried she was becoming a caffeine addict. It isn’t the worst thing to be addicted to, she supposes. She knows plenty of idols who resort to much worse substances than caffeine to either live or escape their lives.

Of course, her body has built up a tolerance towards caffeine, but it still goes a long way when it comes to waking her up. She’s nursing a can of coffee now as Hyoyeon joins her at the kitchen table.

“I swear, you go through those like maknae with sweet potatoes.”

Taeyeon taps her fingers idly against the can. “I like coffee.”

“I’ve noticed,” Hyoyeon says dryly.

“I didn’t used to. Right after we debuted, I drank a lot of it to stay awake, but I didn’t like it. I guess over the years it just grew on me.”

Hyoyeon nods, nursing a cup of some steaming liquid.

“What’s that?” Taeyeon asks.

“Herbal tea.”

Taeyeon stares at her. “Since when do you drink herbal tea?”

“Maknae got me into it. This kind is actually pretty good.”

“Soon you’ll be eating sweet potatoes and discussing global warming with her.”

“Don’t count on it.” Hyoyeon blows across the surface of her drink. “Is there something going on, Taengoo?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean—you look like you want to talk.”

Taeyeon doesn’t want to talk, really, but she thinks that it would be a good idea. The girls had taken the news about her and Jessica very well, but they haven’t talked about it since then, and she doesn’t know what to think. Her members have always told her about their boyfriends, and sometimes it even felt like they were asking for her blessing, but this…this is something completely different. She’s dating a girl, and not just any girl, but Jessica.

“Taengoo?”

“I don’t really want to talk,” she admits, “but I think we should.”

Hyoyeon looks understanding. “About you and Jessica?”

Taeyeon nods, wrapping her fingers more tightly around her coffee. “You guys have been great about it,” she starts.

“We are pretty great,” Hyoyeon agrees.

A faint smile flickers over Taeyeon’s face. “But it’s—pretty big news. And I know I sprung it on you out of nowhere.”

“I’m not sure if it’s something you could really build up to.”

“I don’t want…” Taeyeon hesitates. “I don’t want things to be awkward between us.”

“Taengoo, this is us. Do you think that we’re going to…to judge you, or condemn you, or something?”

“I know you would never make things hard on me or Jessica, but that doesn’t mean we wouldn’t make you uncomfortable. And that’s—” Taeyeon swallows. “I would understand, if you were.”

“Taeyeon,” Hyoyeon says gently. “I can’t speak for everyone, but I’m not uncomfortable. I was—surprised, not just because it was Jessica, but because you were dating at all. I mean, we’ve all dated some time or the other, but I’ve never really seen you in a serious relationship.”

“Yeah, I guess I haven’t really had one.” Taeyeon fiddles with the tab of her drink. “I’ve always thought that work came first and romance came second.”

“Most of us did think that. They taught us to think that.”

The industry taught them how to act, how to pretend, how to deceive, and they’ve long since learned to use those tricks on the people who taught them. You could call it biting the hand that feeds you, or you could call it survival. Personally, she prefers the latter.

“But I mean…” Taeyeon says thoughtfully. “It’s not necessarily either or, right?”

Hyoyeon’s gaze is soft. “No, it’s not.”

“I didn’t see this coming either,” Taeyeon admits about her and Jessica. “It caught me by surprise too.”

“Are you calling Jessica an ‘it’ now?”

Taeyeon rolls her eyes. “I value my life, thank you.”

“You should,” Hyoyeon says lightly, “value your life. Live it to the fullest.”

“You sound like one of those motivational speakers.”

“I think I would make a great one.”

“I think so too.”

Hyoyeon takes another sip of tea – she really seems to like it. Maybe Taeyeon should try some too; it would probably delight Juhyun. Tea is supposed to be detoxing, and she must have more than her fair share of toxins.

“Jessica asked me too, you know.” Hyoyeon puts down her cup. “If I was okay with you two.”

“And – are you?” Taeyeon asks. “Okay?”

“Do you remember what you said to me when I told you about oppa?”

Taeyeon has to search her memory for that. Hyoyeon has been dating him forever, after all. “Something about – if he makes you happy, then I’m happy for you.”

“If you make each other happy, then I’m happy for you.” Hyoyeon smiles. “Okay?”

Taeyeon smiles back, her chest feeling light. It hadn’t been heavy earlier, per se, but – it feels light now. She feels light now. “Okay.”

Their schedules have been especially hectic lately with Märchen Fantasy looming ahead of them, especially since they have individual performances as well as collective ones. Taeyeon really likes the song they picked for her, especially since she gets to sit down and just sing. That’s all she’s ever really wanted to do, after all – to sing. She doesn’t mind dancing, and some of their choreographies are actually quite enjoyable, but she’s always wanted to be a singer first and foremost. An artist, instead of just an idol.

She thinks about such things quite often, about the path she envisioned herself walking upon when she signed on the dotted line as a teenager, and the path she’s walking on now, and she wonders if they’re the same path, or if they’re in fact utterly different ones without many points of convergence. She doesn’t think she knows the answer, and maybe – maybe that’s okay. Maybe she doesn’t have to know. Like she told Tiffany, the only direction she knows is towards them, and that’s the direction that matters. Maybe she doesn’t know the exact path she’s walking on, but she’s happy with where she’s going, and that’s enough.

“Taengoo, have you eaten yet?” Jessica asks, crossing the kitchen to the fridge. She opens the freezer and pokes her head in like she wants to immerse herself in the cold air. She looks flushed and out of breath; she must have been practicing her routine, something Taeyeon is yet to see.

Taeyeon looks at her and thinks about closing the distance between them. She thinks about heading toward Jessica, a path that she’s becoming increasingly familiar with. “No,” she replies. “Have you?”

“Not yet, I’ve been—”

“—practicing,” she finishes knowingly.

Jessica turns away from the fridge, toward Taeyeon, and carelessly brushes her hair away from her face with the back of her hand. “I have to. Not all of us get to just sit there and sing, you know.”

Taeyeon pouts. “Sitting there and singing is a lot of work.”

Jessica rolls her eyes, but she’s smiling. “You should eat something, then, so you can be healthy for all that work.”

“I’m not hungry.” Maybe that can of coffee has filled her up. She doesn’t feel wanting of food, or of anything, right now anyway, her eyes drinking Jessica in. She has something much healthier and more fulfilling than caffeine to fuel her. “Anyway, my English pronunciation has gotten a lot worse. I need the practice.”

“Your English is still a lot better than most of the idols out there.”

“I know,” Taeyeon says, not proud, just matter-of-fact. “But it’s not good enough.”

“What is good enough then?”

“You.”

Jessica’s eyebrows fly up. “Me?”

“Your English is – obviously I can’t ever reach your level, but…”

“Tiffany’s English is better than mine,” Jessica says offhandedly.

“I’m not asking Tiffany for help. I’m asking you.”

There’s half a smile on Jessica’s face. Taeyeon wants to see the rest of it.

“You haven’t asked me anything,” Jessica says mildly.

“Do you remember when you hired me as your personal hairstylist?”

Jessica smiles. “I’m still drawing up the papers.”

“Did you do the salary section yet?”

“Don’t worry, I have a great payment system in mind.”

Taeyeon’s mind goes straight to the gutter. By the time she collects her thoughts, it’s too late to shoot a witty remark back. Jessica looks very amused. “What are you thinking?”

“Uh…” Jessica’s the one making the innuendos (they are innuendos, right?), so it’s not like she doesn’t know what she’s doing.

Jessica shakes her head with a smile. “ByunTaeyeon,” she sighs fondly.

“Is that my new nickname now?”

Jessica makes a face. “That’s a mouthful of a nickname.”

“I think I like Taengoo better, anyway.”

“Taengoo,” she says sweetly, and maybe it’s the aegyo, or maybe it’s Jessica, but Taeyeon finds her face warming and has to look away from Jessica for a moment.

Jessica tilts her head to the side. “What?”

“Since when did you have so much aegyo?”

“It’s not aegyo. I’m just naturally cute.”

Taeyeon laughs. “Okay, whatever you say.”

“What?” Jessica pouts. “You don’t think I’m cute?”

“You’re adorable,” Taeyeon tells her. “The word ‘cute’ just reminds me of children and puppies, and I don’t think of you the way I think of children and puppies.”

Jessica’s eyes look the slightest bit darker. “How do you think of me then?”

Instead of answering with words, Taeyeon leans in for a kiss. Jessica’s lips are dry, a little chapped, but they part readily upon the touch of Taeyeon’s tongue, and the inside of is all silky, wet warmth. Jessica takes her hand and laces their fingers together, moving their joined hands to her chest.

Taeyeon feels every beat of Jessica’s heart underneath her fingertips, thrumming, throbbing until she can’t tell whether it’s Jessica’s heartbeats she’s feeling or her own.

She thinks about talking to Jessica about what Hyoyeon said, maybe bringing up the other girls, but she’s not sure how to do it. Talking about things has never been one of her strong suits. Then again, Jessica is much the same way. Usually that means Taeyeon doesn’t feel pressured to talk, but other times, it just makes the pressure that much stronger.

It feels like she’s getting better at bearing the pressure though, that it’s easier, or maybe that she’s stronger. Maybe being with Jessica has given her that strength. She’s thinking about that as Jessica walks into her room, fresh from the shower, her hair damp, her oversized shirt close to slipping down her shoulder.

Taeyeon swallows, going dry. She doesn’t feel very strong right now.

Jessica smiles, running a hand distractedly through her hair. The action makes the collar of her shirt slip down further, revealing the smooth, bare slope of her shoulder. Taeyeon doesn’t stare. Definitely not.

“Can I borrow your hair dryer?” Jessica asks. “Mine isn’t working.”

Her shirt is so long that she doesn’t look like she’s wearing anything underneath, even though Taeyeon knows she must have shorts on. Maybe she doesn’t, Taeyeon thinks, maybe she’s just wearing a shirt, maybe Taeyeon can just—

“Taeng?” Jessica asks. “Are you there?”

Taeyeon clears . “Yeah, sorry. I was just—thinking.”

Jessica looks at her expectantly. “So, can I?”

“Can you what?”

“Borrow your hair dryer.”

“Oh. Yeah, sure. It’s—somewhere over there.” Taeyeon gestures vaguely towards her dresser.

“Thanks.” Jessica rubs her hands down her arms, shivering slightly. “It’s so cold. Did someone turn the heat down?”

Is it cold? Taeyeon doesn’t feel any hint of a chill with Jessica in the room. “I can go turn it up for you,” she offers, knowing that Jessica probably doesn’t want to make the trip into the hall to the thermostat.

“No, it’s okay,” Jessica says. “I can warm myself with the hair dryer.” Sometimes she says such strange things, or she says something completely normal and it comes out strange anyway. They used to deem that the ‘Sica Effect’ almost mockingly, but over the years it’s turned into a fond term, something they say with amused affection.

Jessica is looking at her curiously. Taeyeon must be staring at her. Sometimes she does that without realizing; she just means to look at Jessica for a moment, but once her eyes land on her, she can’t draw them away.

“Taeng?” Jessica says again. “Something wrong?”

Taeyeon shakes her head. “Come here,” she murmurs, her voice coming out quiet and rather ragged.

Jessica looks confused but she abandons her search for the hair dryer and sits down beside Taeyeon on the bed. Taeyeon reaches toward her and fixes her collar, pulling it up so her shoulders are covered.

“No wonder you’re cold,” Taeyeon says critically. “You’re wearing so little.”

Jessica’s smile makes her stomach flip over. “Do you mind? You looked like you wished I was wearing even less.”

Taeyeon feels like all the blood in her body rushes to her face. She opens and, upon consideration, closes it. It takes her a few seconds to recover her voice. “I don’t want you to get sick,” she says weakly.

“I’m not going to get sick.” Jessica’s eyes are so dark that it looks like her pupils have swallowed her irises. Taeyeon feels like they’re going to swallow her too. “Tae—”

Taeyeon surges forward and seals their lips together. She’s not sure where to put her hands – she wants to touch Jessica anywhere and everywhere – and somehow one of them ends up in Jessica’s hair and the other on her waist. Jessica does feel cold at first, but she warms up quickly under Taeyeon’s lips and fingers, and Taeyeon feels like there’s fire at every point of contact between them. She might end up getting consumed in the flames, but it would be well worth it. More than worth it.

Jessica pulls away slowly, regretfully. “I have to go,” she says breathlessly. “I promised Soojung I would call her half an hour ago. She’s been all worried about me these days. She’ll think I died if I don’t call.”

“Does she…” Taeyeon starts haltingly. “Did you—”

“—tell her?” Jessica finishes. “No, not yet. I wasn’t sure if you—” Her tongue flickers over her bottom lip, and Taeyeon’s eyes follow the movement. “Do you want me to tell her?”

“I don’t know,” Taeyeon says honestly. “Do you want to tell her?”

“She’s my sister. I think—”

“JESSICA!” Sooyoung’s voice bellows from somewhere beyond the hallway, making both of them jump. “IF YOU DON’T PICK UP YOUR PHONE, I’M GOING TO SHOVE IT UP YOUR—”

“That must be Soojung,” Jessica says apologetically.

Taeyeon rubs her ear with a wince. “I think I lost some of my hearing.”

Jessica presses her lips against the shell of Taeyeon’s ear. “There, I just brought it back.”

“You’re so ridiculous,” Taeyeon laughs, tasting the sweetness of Jessica’s answering smile when Jessica kisses her.

“Unnie? Are you okay?” Juhyun asks when she catches Taeyeon glaring at the thermostat like she wants to vaporize it.

“The stupid thing is not working.” Taeyeon glowers. “This number is a lie. There’s no way it’s actually this warm.”

“That’s the temperature we set it at, unnie. Not the temperature it is right now.”

“Oh.”

Juhyun looks like she’s suppressing a smile. “It won’t take long for the temperature to rise.”

“Uh huh.” Taeyeon scratches the back of her head sheepishly. “I knew that.”

Juhyun is smiling outright now. “Of course.”

“Maybe the toxins are getting to my brain. I could use some detoxing. I was thinking of trying your herbal tea thing.”

“Really? That’s great!” Juhyun says brightly. “I have many different varieties. Do you want to try one right now?”

Taeyeon doesn’t particularly feel like tea, but she doesn’t particularly feel against it either. She shrugs and says, “Sure.” Juhyun heads to the kitchen and Taeyeon follows her. “So if they ask us who makes the tea, are you going to tell them it’s the kettle?”

“Unnie.” Coming from Juhyun, it’s practically a whine. “The rice cooker does make our rice. The kettle only makes water, not tea.”

Taeyeon waves her hand airily. “You and your technicalities.”

“Which kind of tea do you want?” Juhyun asks, holding out a whole bunch of packets.

“You pick one. I trust you.”

Juhyun turns on the sink to fill up the kettle, her movements deft and precise. Even when she’s just moving around the kitchen, she’s graceful. Taeyeon has always envied that easy grace of hers. There are many things to envy about Juhyun, really. Even though she’s the youngest, she’s never needed any of them to coddle her. Strangely, that just made them want to coddle her even more.

“Unnie,” Juhyun starts, at the same time Taeyeon says, “Juhyunnie.”

Juhyun smiles. “You first.”

“I was talking to Hyoyeon this morning.”

“I know, unnie told me.”

“Did she tell you what we were talking about?”

Juhyun plugs in the kettle and turns it on. “I’m not uncomfortable about you and Jessica unnie.”

Taeyeon isn’t sure how to react to Juhyun’s blunt statement. She doesn’t mind Hyoyeon telling Juhyun exactly what she said; she just isn’t sure how to continue this conversation.

“Unnie, to be honest, I was…worried about you and Jessica unnie before. When you were…”

“Fighting?”

“When you weren’t getting along.” Juhyun really has a way with euphemisms. “You were so unhappy, both of you.”

Taeyeon taps her fingers restlessly against the counter. “You never said anything.”

Juhyun looks pained. “I wasn’t sure if it was my place to.”

Taeyeon holds her gaze. “You’re not my dongsaeng, you know. You’re my friend.” They’re not just friends, the nine of them, they’re a family. Juhyun knows that; they all do.

“I mean…” Juhyun hesitates. “I talked to Jessica unnie about it, but she—she was very upset. She asked me to leave it alone, and I didn’t want to upset her any further, so I did.”

Taeyeon’s heart feels heavy and her lip, numb. “She…” It’s the only word she can get out.

“What happened in the past is in the past, unnie,” Juhyun tells her. “What you and Jessica unnie have now, that’s what’s important.”

Taeyeon smiles. “You’re really great, you know that, Juhyun?”

“You’ve told me that a few times.” The kettle goes off, startling Taeyeon. “I’ll have your tea ready soon, unnie. Why don’t you take a seat?”

She does that, closing her eyes and sinking into the chair. She hears a clunk as Juhyun sets a mug in front of her and breathes in the steam from the tea, the fragrant scent settling in her body, light and soothing.

Taeyeon’s eyes are fixed on the television; she can vaguely make out blurry lights and the low buzz of voices, but she isn’t taking them in. Jessica’s sleeping on her shoulder, and she feels herself slipping into sleep too, but for whatever reason it’s eluding her. Maybe the leftover adrenaline from a hard day’s practice is keeping her up. Her body has been managing the delicate balance between adrenaline and exhaustion for years, but on days like these, she feels like it hasn’t gotten any better at it.

It’s okay. There’s something restful about just sitting like this anyway, alone and together with Jessica. She remembers the last time Jessica slept on her shoulder – on the ride to the airport – and the memory presses against her temples with an ache. She doesn’t want to remember what happened at the airport, but her mind, as usual, disobeys her and replays the situation with masochistic clarity.

“Taeyeon.” She startles at the sound of her name, breaking her away from the past. It turns out that Jessica isn’t asleep after all.

Taeyeon shifts, feeling pins and needles in her shoulder. “Hmm?”

For someone who appeared to be peacefully sleeping for the past few minutes, Jessica looks very awake now. She her lips, looking at Taeyeon with soft and intent eyes. “Why did you call me Sooyeon before?”

“Isn’t that your name?”

“Nobody calls me that anymore. Why did you?”

“I…I don’t know.” Taeyeon almost shrugs, but she realizes that it would jostle Jessica and she keeps her shoulder steady. “It just came out.”

“Oh.” She can’t decipher Jessica’s tone. “Okay.”

“Do you mind?” She knows that Jessica prefers her English name, but she doesn’t think that Sooyeon bothers her like Sunkyu bothers Sunny or Miyoung bothers Tiffany.

“No. Actually, I-I kind of liked it.”

That surprises Taeyeon. “You did?”

“It’s not about the name.” Jessica bites her lip. “It’s the way you said it.”

“How did I say it?”

“I can’t describe it.” Jessica raises her head from Taeyeon’s shoulder. Even though it alleviates the pins and needles, Taeyeon misses having her lean on her, misses supporting her. “It’s – it’s weird. Never mind. Forget that I mentioned it.”

Taeyeon tries to surreptitiously rub her shoulder, but obviously she’s terrible at being subtle, because Jessica zeroes in on the motion immediately.

“Sorry, are you uncomfortable?” Jessica asks.

“It’s okay. I don’t mind being your pillow.” Taeyeon smiles and pats her shoulder, but Jessica doesn’t take the invitation. Instead, she looks at Taeyeon, her gaze bright and liquid.

“My shoulder is fine,” is the only thing Taeyeon can think of saying.

“Taeyeon,” Jessica says quietly, just that, her name, packing so much into the two syllables that Taeyeon is struck silent. It takes her a long moment to recover her voice.

“Hmm?”

Jessica says nothing, just looks at her with stars in her eyes. Taeyeon’s breath catches in and she wonders, yet again, what Jessica sees when she looks at her, wonders what Jessica sees in her.

Jessica smiles and returns her head to Taeyeon’s shoulder. “You make a nice pillow.”

Taeyeon doesn’t know what to say, so she puts her arm around Jessica and holds her closer, tighter, right to her. She closes her eyes and presses her face against Jessica’s hair, breathing her in. Jessica feels more vital, more potent, than air to her, and she can’t take in enough of her.