At some point around two in the morning, Taeyeon’s sick of lying in her bed staring at the ceiling, and she decides to get herself something to drink. She knows it won’t help, but it has to beat aimlessly staring into the darkness. She trudges out of bed, almost tripping over her own slippers and then banging her shin against a wayward box, and by the time she reaches the kitchen she’s close to swearing.

The last thing she expects to see is Jessica sitting at the kitchen table, a mug cupped in her hands and an exhausted look on her face.

“Je-Jessica?”

Jessica doesn’t look at her or react in the slightest, and Taeyeon wonders if she’s started to sleep with her eyes open too, but then she stands up and walks to the counter, setting her cup down with a quiet clink. She doesn’t spare Taeyeon a glance.

“It’s kind of late,” Taeyeon says awkwardly. “Why aren’t you asleep?”

“Why aren’t you?” Jessica returns, her back still to Taeyeon. Her voice is apathetic, like she doesn’t care about the answer at all.

“I couldn’t sleep, so I was going to get some milk or something,” Taeyeon explains, which is completely true, but somehow it tastes like a lie on her tongue.

Jessica doesn’t say anything, looking as beautiful and remote as a statue just standing by the sink, and Taeyeon finds herself biting down on her lip again, harsh and involuntary, reopening the wound there.

“Have fun with that,” Jessica finally says, and then she turns and brushes past Taeyeon, face blank and almost white in the dim light, hair like swathes of shadows.

“Jessica.” Taeyeon’s voice is so small she barely hears it herself, but Jessica stills just as she’s almost out of sight. “Did you – have a good weekend?”

Jessica’s silent for so long that Taeyeon’s convinced she’s not going to get an answer, and her already heavy heart sinks even further, landing somewhere in the vicinity of her stomach.

“I did,” she replies, finally. “It’s nice to be somewhere where I’m wanted.”

“Jessica—”

“Good night, Taeyeon,” Jessica says, no inflection in her voice except for a note of finality, just like at dance practice earlier. Taeyeon wonders if you can break something that’s already broken. “I’m tired, and I’m sure you are too.”

“I miss you.” Taeyeon feels afraid and emboldened at the same time, and she can’t help the words that are spilling past her lips, or maybe she can control them and she just doesn’t want to. “This whole weekend – I’ve missed you. I’m so glad you’re back.”

Jessica’s whole body tenses. Taeyeon can literally see the sharp jut of her shoulder blades, and it makes her want to tell Jessica that she’s too thin and she should eat more and she looks so fragile sometimes Taeyeon worries a sharp gust of wind (or words) will knock her over.

“I’m not sure if I am,” Jessica says, so quietly Taeyeon almost think she imagined it.

“You said—” Taeyeon swallows. “You said that it’s good to be home.”

“It is good, but it’s not easy.” Jessica shakes her head, pressing a hand to her temple. “I’m tired, and I’m talking nonsense. Just ignore me. You have tons of practice with that.”

“I’m sor—”

“I already told you that you don’t have to be. If it’s guilt keeping you up, then—stop feeling guilty. If you…missed me, well I’m here now, so you can stop.” Jessica’s voice has been rising in volume, but suddenly it drops to an almost inaudible whisper. “Just stop it, okay?”

Taeyeon’s not sure what exactly Jessica’s telling her (pleading, almost) to stop doing, but she can hear the weariness in Jessica’s voice, the helplessness, and there is little that she wouldn’t give up to take those things away.

“I just want—” she starts, not sure how to finish that sentence.

I want to fix things between us. (Except she’s not sure if their relationship is still salvageable.) I want things to go back to the way they were before. (But how far does before stretch?)

“Do you even know what you want?” Jessica doesn’t wait for Taeyeon to reply (not that she has a reply). She turns around, slowly and wearily, as if the movement takes energy she doesn’t have. Her eyes are dark and huge in her pallid face, as unforgivingly consuming as black holes. “Do you care the slightest bit about what I want?”

“Of course I care!”

“I had a good time this weekend,” Jessica says slowly, “because I was away from you. I’m not saying you’re repulsive, because it’s not that. But—you’re tiring. This is tiring. And I’m tired, Taeyeon. I’m really tired, and I wish you would just let me have a break, but I think you’ve made it clear many times that you really don’t care about what I want.”

Taeyeon can feel a whole knot of words in , all tangled up beyond coherence, and she desperately wants to unravel them and tell Jessica them, all of them, and maybe that would alleviate some of the heartrending exhaustion on her face.

“I care,” she whispers, managing to push those words past , at least. “I care about what you want.”

Something flickers in Jessica’s eyes, like the trail of ashes a meteorite leaves after it’s closer to burning debris than a shooting star.

“Then leave me alone.” Jessica pauses, cheek hollowing like she’s biting down on the inside of . “That’s what I want.”

Taeyeon is willing to give Jessica many things, but she can’t promise her that. She can’t. She opens to tell Jessica that, but suddenly the front door is pushed open and the lights in the living room are switched on, almost blinding her.

“Unnie?” Yoona sounds half-asleep, but surprise is clear in her voice. “What are you doing up? It’s past two-thirty.”

“Yoong,” Jessica says, also with surprise but then with concern, “I can’t believe how late filming is ending these days. This is ridiculous. You should complain to the director.”

“I’m okay, really. We all have sacrifices we need to make, you know.”

“…Yeah, I know.”

Yoona catches sight of Taeyeon then, and her eyes widen, darting between Taeyeon and Jessica with a look of sudden realization.

“Unnie, you shouldn’t be up,” she says to both of them. “It’s way too late.”

“Yeah,” Jessica agrees, eyes flickering to Taeyeon. “It is late, Taeyeon. Too late. I think you should get some rest.”

“You too, Sica unnie,” Yoona says, a dent between her eyebrows.

“Yeah, I could use a good night’s sleep.” Jessica gives a tired smile. “Soojung said that I should put on some more make-up. Apparently I don’t look so good these days.”

“You’re always pretty,” Yoona says sincerely.

“Yeah, sure. I think you’re confusing me with you, Yoong.”

“Unnie—”

“I’m off to bed. Make sure you are too soon, okay?”

“Yeah, I’ll go right after I shower.” Yoona looks from Taeyeon to Jessica rather anxiously. “Is everything okay?” she asks hesitantly. “I’m sorry I interrupted. I didn’t know—”

“You weren’t interrupting anything, Yoong,” Jessica says. “The two of us couldn’t sleep and bumped into each other in the kitchen. We talked and we said everything that needed to be said.” She looks directly at Taeyeon. “I told you what I want, Taeyeon, and you should think about what you want too.”

Then Jessica’s walking away and Taeyeon’s left staring after her, a situation that is becoming more and more familiar to her.

“Unnie,” Yoona starts tentatively.

“I think I should be going to bed too.” Taeyeon tries to find a smile for Yoona’s sake, but she comes up empty-handed. “Are you hungry? We saved dinner for you; I could heat it up for you.”

“I’m okay.” Yoona’s eyes are gentle and concerned. “You’re the one I’m worried about.”

“Worried? There’s nothing to worry about. I’m fine.”

Yoona doesn’t look like she believes her in the slightest, which isn’t surprising considering how Taeyeon can’t even make herself believe in her own words.

“If you want to talk…” Yoona lets the rest of that sentence fall open like an invitation.

Taeyeon shakes her head slowly, woodenly. “There’s nothing that talking can do at this point.”

“My dad used to say that nothing is truly broken until we give up on it,” Yoona says. “I believed him, until my mom left one day, with no warning, no notice at all. I asked him that if I never gave up on my mom, if it would mean that she would come back.” She bites her lip and blinks hard. “He didn’t have an answer.”

“Yoona…”

Yoona never talks about her mother. Never. Even Tiffany mention hers sometimes, always with loving wistfulness in her eyes, but Yoona—just doesn’t talk about it. Taeyeon, not one for talking herself, has never pushed her about it, even though she worries about Yoona, whose acting skills aren’t limited to filming dramas.

“I know what it’s like to have someone I love walk out on me,” Yoona continues. “It’s more painful than words can describe. I don’t want to see that happen to you or Sica unnie.”

“I don’t want to give up,” Taeyeon whispers, and then says in a stronger voice, “I’m not going to give up.”

Yoona smiles. “That’s good.” She presses her hand to her stomach. “You know what, dinner is sounding pretty good right now, actually.”

“I’ll warm it up for you,” Taeyeon offers, already approaching the fridge, but Yoona cuts her off with a smile.

“It’s okay, I can do it. You, meanwhile, need to get some sleep.” Yoona’s forehead furrows in concern. “We’ve all been worried about you, unnie.”

“Yeah, I could tell.”

“And you don’t like it.”

“I don’t,” Taeyeon admits. “I don’t like making you guys worried and upset.”

“Then sleep more, eat more, and smile more,” Yoona says simply. “We won’t be so worried then.”

“You make it sound so easy.”

“It’s not easy, but good things hardly are.” Yoona smiles. “I’m sure you can do it. I believe in you, unnie. We all do.”

Yoona’s words remind Taeyeon of Jooyoung, and the faith he has in her, the faith that all of them have in her for some reason. But she’s lost one person’s faith, lost a lot of things that she isn’t sure if she’ll ever get back but is determined to try anyway.

You should think about what you want too.

I don’t need to think about it, Taeyeon thinks, and she wishes that she could have told Jessica this, wishes that she was quick enough, brave enough.

She wishes that she’s the Kim Taeyeon worth loving and believing in, the one who would have said, “I want you.