A/N: I HAVE THE MEMORY OF A GOLDFISH, SORRY GUYS. I totally meant to say this ever since it happened, and I thought about posting it as a chapter but I thought you would think it was an update and get your hopes up for nothing (that has happened with my A/Ns) and I didn't want that. But I've had this on my mind - and I'm very grateful and appreciative - thank you so much for getting this fic featured! This fic means a lot to me, I've poured so much time and effort and heart into this, and it's--really nice to be recognized. I've always at superlatives, haha, and words really fail me too often; it's quite embarrassing, as a writer. Just - thank you. Really.

On another note, a reader told me that I've been nominated for Soshified Awards 2014 (SSF) (for Best Fanfic and Favourite Soshified Author) and-- It was a total surprise, I never would have expected it. I'm really flattered about the nomination. Thank you guys so much for all your support and encouragement. I probably would have given up on this fic a long time ago if it weren't for y'all. When I lose faith in myself, I look to you guys and somehow you always believe in me :*) Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Many thanks to GeeShizzle at AFF for the speedy and super (haha I wanted to say 'fast and furious' for the sake of it) beta!

It takes a strenuous amount of effort, but Taeyeon manages to restrain herself for the rest of the night, not even allowing herself a stray glance at Jessica. She can explain a funny imitation; she can’t explain staring at Jessica like she’s undressing her with her eyes. She’s quite proud of how well she does in this respect. Then again, she’s an idol and she’s hardly a stranger to hiding, pretending, acting. Lying.

She knows that this is what she’ll have to do for the rest of—for a very long time. Korea is too conservative of a country and idolhood too unforgiving of an industry for them to even consider revealing their relationship. She would never be able to go public with Jessica, never be able to kiss her in the open, never be able to show the world that she’s hers. She would have to keep what they have behind closed doors, like a dark secret, like something to be ashamed of.

She’s not ashamed. They haven’t done anything to be ashamed of, anything wrong. It should be their business who they kiss and date and l— It should be their business. But the life they signed up for means that almost everything they do is not their own business. They signed away so much on that dotted line, and it’s a bitter pill to swallow, but she should be used to its taste by now. (She isn’t.)

An arm slips around her shoulders and pulls her against a thin body. Taeyeon feels spray-stiff hair against her cheek and breathes in sweat, body spray and Jessica.

“You’re spacing out again,” Jessica murmurs. “What are you thinking so hard about?”

You, Taeyeon could say. It wouldn’t be a lie. But for whatever reason, the word won’t leave . She curls a lock of Jessica’s hair around her finger and traces her eyes over Jessica’s face. Jessica looks tired but energized, relaxed but anticipatory. Her makeup is coming off, foundation flaking and mascara smudged, but it doesn’t matter. She’s beautiful; she’s Jessica.

“Jessica,” Taeyeon breathes, for lack of something better to say.

Jessica smiles. “Taeyeon,” she returns, taking Taeyeon’s hand and pulling her toward the door. “Come on, let’s go home.”

Taeyeon smiles back. “Home.”

Jessica sits next to her on the van, their knees touching, their fingers occasionally grazing against each other’s. She had scrubbed off the rest of her makeup, and she’s bare-faced and rather wan-looking, but there almost seems to be a glow to her anyway, something natural and internal, like she’s got a light on under her skin.

It’s dark and Jooyoung is focused on driving, so Taeyeon lets herself look all she wants at Jessica, lets her gaze go heavy and intense.

“I didn’t get to tell you earlier,” Jessica says quietly. “You were amazing.”

“I usually am,” Taeyeon agrees.

Jessica laughs, quiet and musical. She looks tired, but her eyes are bright. They usually are when she looks at Taeyeon. That’s the really amazing thing, Taeyeon thinks. “And so very modest,” she teases.

Taeyeon leans in even closer so she can whisper directly into Jessica’s ear. “Why should I be modest when I have such a hot girlfriend?”

Jessica bites her lip, tugging it between her teeth. Taeyeon wants to do the same. “Taeyeon,” she murmurs, her voice dropping, breathy and low. Taeyeon wants to hear her name in that voice many more times.

Sunkyu, from where she’s sitting on the other side of Taeyeon, clears . “You’re right, oppa,” she says in an unnecessarily loud voice. “The fans were even more excited than we thought.”

Taeyeon jerks away from Jessica, slouching and staring out the window. She only realizes now that Jooyoung had been speaking to them. He chuckles, mercifully not seeming to notice that anything is amiss. “I’m sure you gave them a wonderful Christmas present.”

“That’s what we’re here for,” Tiffany says lightly.

“Did you see how happy you and Yul made those audience members?” Sooyoung asks. “I thought they might stop breathing.”

“I think Jessi made enough fans stop breathing.”

“Oh come on,” Jessica says. “You sound like we were trying to send them to the hospital. I don’t think that would be much of a fantasy come true.”

That makes everyone laugh. Afterward they break off into conversations or listen to music or nod off. Taeyeon lets her head flop back against the headrest, thinking about fantasy and reality and how the line between them seems slightly blurred right now.

Jessica’s hand drops to Taeyeon’s knee, and Taeyeon takes it in her own. She doesn’t know why she has a reputation for disliking skinship. She doesn’t just like physical contact, she craves it. There’s something about touching another warm body that grounds her so she won’t drift off too far into her mind, that reminds her she’s not alone in this world. These days, it’s mostly Jessica that she wants to touch.

Jessica rests her head on Taeyeon’s shoulder. “That dress,” she suddenly says, voice so low that Taeyeon can barely make it out. “You looked so… I love red on you.”

“Is that what you meant when you said I was amazing?”

“No, I meant your singing.” Jessica is starting to sound sleepy. That’s not surprising; she doesn’t have a lot of stamina, and she’s usually the most tired after a concert. “But you know already, anyway.”

“That my voice is amazing?”

“That you’re—that you are.” Jessica yawns.

“You can sleep,” Taeyeon says softly, tightening her hold on Jessica’s hand.

“No, I don’t want to.” She sounds like a child trying to stay up to see Santa, fighting a losing battle against her yawns. She’s so cute; Taeyeon feels a warm tendril of affection curl in her stomach. “Not until later.”

The word threatens to turn the warm tendril into a flash of heat, but the flames have cooled down in Taeyeon’s stomach into a slow, molten burn. She wants Jessica, but she feels a lot more than just want for her.

“We’ll still have later,” Taeyeon promises. “Many later’s. We can wait until another one.”

The van passes under a tunnel, and they’re enveloped in pitch blackness. Even so, she can still see Jessica’s smile. She answers it with one of her own, and she trusts Jessica to see it too.

“It’s weird,” Yoona says through a yawn, once they’re back in the dorm, gathered in a circle on the floor. For whatever reason, none of them had chosen the couch. It just feels more natural this way, more right. This is them: a circle of nine.

“What is?” Yuri asks from beside Tiffany. The two of them have been smiley and touchy like usual the whole night. In fact, they’ve been even more so after their performance, as if they’ve reforged their bond on the stage. Taeyeon isn’t sure what to make of it, but both their smiles looked genuine, so she doesn’t think she has too much to be concerned about. For now, at least.

“I’m so tired, but I feel like I want to stay up forever.”

Yuri nods. “I know what you mean.”

Sooyoung nods too. “It’s like post-concert syndrome or something.”

“Mm hmm,” Jessica agrees, her eyelids drooping already. She’s half-draped over Taeyeon, soft and boneless, like she might fall into her lap any second now. Taeyeon wonders if she’s strong enough to carry Jessica to her bedroom. She’s no Yoona, but she thinks she can do it for Jessica.

“It’s almost Christmas,” Tiffany says brightly. “We should start decorating.”

“You have fun decorating,” Hyoyeon says. “We’ll have fun watching.”

Tiffany pouts. “You guys are no fun. Jessi, you’ll help me, right?”

“Hmm.” Jessica sounds like she’s half-asleep. “Maybe if you buy me something nice.”

“Unnie, you sound exhausted,” Juhyun says. “I think you should go to sleep.”

“Bed…so…far away,” Jessica mumbles, her head dropping to nestle in the juncture between Taeyeon’s neck and shoulder, nose bumping against her collarbone.

“You should take her, Taengoo,” Sunkyu suggests.

“Come on, Sica,” Taeyeon says, trying to stand up. “You can do it. I’ve got you.”

“Do you need help?” Tiffany asks.

Taeyeon shakes her head. She can do it, she can support Jessica. As if hearing her unsaid words, Jessica gets up, leaning heavily on Taeyeon, who puts an arm around her waist. They walk like that to Jessica’s room, and Taeyeon barely remembers to close the door before Jessica tugs her to the bed and collapses on it.

“See, it wasn’t that far, right?” Taeyeon says with a smile.

“Taengoo.” Jessica’s voice is half breath. Listening to her name called in that voice makes Taeyeon question if she’s dreaming already.

“Yeah?”

Jessica opens her eyes, hazy with sleepiness, and smiles at her. Taeyeon’s breath catches in . The fans aren’t the only ones whose breath Jessica takes away.

“Don’t go,” Jessica murmurs. “Stay with me.”

For a moment, Taeyeon remembers another bed and the same words coming from Jessica’s mouth, the grip she had on Taeyeon’s wrist. Jessica’s not touching her now, but it doesn’t matter. She has a hold on Taeyeon that’s hard to break.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

Jessica smiles again. “Good,” she says. “You belong here. With me.”

It doesn’t take long for Jessica to fall asleep. The soft, steady sound of her breathing lulls Taeyeon there as well, but she holds on to consciousness a little longer. She gazes at Jessica, feeling like she wants to say something, many things, yet she doesn’t have any words at all. It’s not an unfamiliar feeling, but there’s still something new about it because this is about Jessica, and she’s never felt about someone the way she feels about Jessica.

When Taeyeon drifts off, it’s to the lullaby of Jessica’s breathing and the thought yes, I do.

Taeyeon isn’t sure what wakes her up, but she startles to consciousness in the middle of the night, the room a haze of darkness around her. She rubs a hand across her eyes, feeling like she’s still asleep. She had been dreaming about…she couldn’t remember what anymore, but she has a feeling it wasn’t a good dream.

She turns her head to the right, almost bumps into something, and just manages to avoid falling off the bed. Not her bed – Jessica’s bed. It comes back to her then: Jessica nodding off against her shoulder, Jessica leaning against her all the way to her room, Jessica asking her to stay with a smile out of a dream.

This is the first time they ended in bed together, Taeyeon thinks with a wry smile. The first time they slept together.

“No,” Jessica suddenly says, rolling over. “Don’t.”

Taeyeon is reaching for her immediately, and then she sees that Jessica’s eyes are closed. She’s asleep; she’s dreaming. Taeyeon lets out a breath.

“Don’t…want…cucumber,” Jessica mumbles, her face scrunching up. She’s so cute that Taeyeon wants to hug her, wants to kiss her, wants to—just wants her.

Jessica’s frown deepens. “Don’t…want,” she repeats. “Want…Taeyeon.”

Taeyeon feels like she was struck in the chest by something heavy. Her heart skips a beat, two beats, and her lungs constrict for a breath, two breaths. She searches for Jessica’s hand under the covers and finds it, holding it tightly in her own.

“You have me,” she promises.

When she wakes up for the second time, the room is brighter and she finds herself tangled up in the blankets like she was trying to make a cocoon out of them. Jessica’s hand is still in hers, but Taeyeon had taken almost the whole blanket, leaving Jessica shivering in her sleep.

Taeyeon’s first instinct is to pull Jessica into her arms, but she finds herself unable to get out from her blanket burrito. She struggles, kicking and flailing her free arm, and all she succeeds in is almost rolling off the bed.

Great. At this rate Jessica will catch a cold and Taeyeon will have numb limbs by the morning.

She squirms some more, trying to at least free her other arm, but if anything she just gets herself even more tangled.

“What are you doing?”

She turns her head and finds her face a few inches from Jessica’s. Jessica looks like she doesn’t know whether to be amused or bemused.

“I’m stuck,” Taeyeon says weakly.

Jessica stares at her like she’s speaking a foreign language, and then she’s laughing, shoulders shaking with it. Taeyeon pouts and Jessica just laughs harder.

“Are you going to laugh at me or help me?”

Jessica’s face sobers. “Why can’t I do both?” she says reasonably, before her grin returns. Her eyes are sparkling, her smile bright and crooked with mischief. She doesn’t look the slightest bit tired or cold, even though it’s barely morning and she didn’t even sleep with a blanket. Taeyeon looks at her and feels—just feels.

Jessica’s grin turns into a smile, not fading, just softening. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

Taeyeon wets her lips. “Like what?”

Instead of replying, Jessica tugs on the blanket wrapped around Taeyeon, somehow unravelling it in a few deft movements. She rolls her eyes. “Was that really so hard?”

“It’s different when you’re the one who’s trapped, okay?”

“Yeah, okay,” Jessica says indulgently. “Whatever you say.”

Taeyeon gives her a sad face, and Jessica runs a thumb across her bottom lip. “Don’t pout like that,” she murmurs, her voice and her touch stealing Taeyeon’s breath yet again.

“Does it annoy you?”

“Hmm.” Jessica presses her thumb forward a little, past the seam of Taeyeon’s lips, and Taeyeon gives it a playful nibble. Jessica’s eyes darken the slightest bit. “No. It’s-it’s cute.”

She moves back suddenly, putting space between them, brushing her hair away from her face and avoiding Taeyeon’s eyes.

“I had a dream last night,” she suddenly says, “not really a nightmare, but close.”

“Did you?”

“Yeah, it was about cucumbers.” Jessica’s scowl makes her look like a peeved kitten. “It was pretty awful.”

Taeyeon has to stifle a smile. She’s so cute. Taeyeon’s had this thought many times already, but she just keeps thinking it again and again. Jessica’s so cute.

“But then it got better toward the end,” she continues.

“What happened?”

“You showed up.” Jessica smiles again: wider, sweeter. Taeyeon has that struck feeling in her chest again. “You turned the cucumber into a pickle and then it died.”

She can’t let the words remain as mere thought anymore. “You’re so cute.”

Jessica blinks. “Having dreams about cucumbers is cute to you?”

“You’re cute to me.” Taeyeon leans forward, feeling like the foot or so between them is far too much space. “You’re—” She doesn’t know how to finish that sentence, so she takes Jessica’s hand and squeezes it, wishing that she could pass on some words to her, words that Jessica deserves to hear and Taeyeon doesn’t know how to say.

Jessica doesn’t seem to mind her silence because she smiles, small and soft and sweet. Taeyeon wonders how that smile would feel against her own lips and decides to check. Jessica makes a breathy sound against and falls against her, pressing her against the bed. The stupid blanket gets in the way, and Taeyeon kicks it away. She kisses Jessica until her head spins and she feels a stitch in her chest as she runs out of breath but not out of want.

“Taeyeon.” Jessica’s voice is lower and throatier than Taeyeon’s ever heard it. She feels a shiver crawl across the back of her neck, not from chill but from heat. “I want – I want you.”

Again Jessica takes a step back, putting some space between them. Some air. But Taeyeon doesn’t breathe easier; in fact, it’s quite the opposite. She wishes that Jessica would touch her, but she knows Jessica won’t make the first move. Jessica is leaving it to her. Always to her.

The words are harder to get out now, now that the room isn’t dark, now that Jessica’s awake and looking at her like she’d been trapped in the dark and Taeyeon’s the sun.

She kisses Jessica again, pulls Jessica’s bottom lip into , her tongue with her own, and Jessica trembles like she’s going to come apart beneath Taeyeon’s mouth. Taeyeon takes Jessica’s hand, curls her pinky around Jessica’s, breathes the words against her lips.

“You have me.”

She could have drowned in Jessica’s smile. Jessica looks down for a second before she glances up at Taeyeon through her lashes. Not like she’s trying to be coy, but like she’s shy. “Do you want me?”

Taeyeon doesn’t understand how that’s even a question. She swallows, taking a breath before she speaks, her voice hoarse. “You have no idea how much I want you.”

Jessica leans back and draws her shirt above her head. She tosses it away carelessly, keeping her eyes locked on Taeyeon’s. Taeyeon’s breathing has gone shallow, her nails digging into her palms. Jessica uncurls her fingers from their fists and puts Taeyeon’s hands on her bare skin. “Show me,” she whispers.

Taeyeon’s fingers are already on Jessica, but that’s not enough for her. She wants to touch her all over, taste her all over, mark her all over.

“I want you,” she mouths against Jessica’s shoulder, wishing she could leave some imprint of the words behind. “I want you,” she trails the words from one of Jessica’s collarbones to the other, making a bridge, a link. “I want you.” She moves lower, feeling Jessica’s heartbeat pulse against her lips.

It’s not fair that Jessica’s the only one losing clothes, so Taeyeon raises her arms above her head so Jessica can take her shirt off. She feels warmth flood her cheeks, her chest, at the way Jessica looks at her.

“Taeyeon,” Jessica murmurs again, like a prayer, like a benediction.

“Jessica.” Taeyeon reaches for her, or maybe Jessica reaches for Taeyeon, and then they’re skin to skin, chest to chest, mouth to mouth.

Someone says “please,” maybe Taeyeon, maybe Jessica, maybe both of them, and then they’re too busy to speak.