A/N: Sorry this took so long guys, it wasn't an easy chapter to write by any means. I've spent...a very long time on this, I must've rewritten it at least four or five times.

Title of this chapter comes from Want and Resent, obviously. I started listening to it when I was almost done writing this, and I could only take 15 seconds because I started getting emotional. TaengSic's voices.

“Jessi!” Tiffany is the first one to greet Jessica, running at her and throwing her arms around her, almost knocking her over. “Jessi, welcome back.”

“Tiff,” Jessica says in a muffled voice. “I can’t breathe.”

Tiffany loosens her hold and steps back, her eyes widening. “Oh, sorry! Was I hugging you too tightly?”

“I don’t mind,” Jessica tells her, and Tiffany takes it as permission to hug her again, being gentler this time. When Tiffany lets go, Yuri steps up, squeezing Jessica just as tightly, and they all take turns hugging Jessica. All except Taeyeon, who watches from the back, unsure if Jessica would let her hug her.

“We got you a bouquet,” Sooyoung says. “Do you want it now or later?”

Jessica narrows her eyes. “There’s cucumbers in it, isn’t there?”

Sooyoung looks incredibly innocent. Too innocent. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“What do you take me for, an idiot?” Jessica asks, and then adds, “Never mind, I don’t want to hear the answer.”

She looks healthy, not just back to normal, but even better than before. She’s still on the verge of being too thin, but then again, she never really leaves that place. It’s somewhere they’re all well-acquainted with, some better than others.

Taeyeon looks at her without a word, without stepping forward, and even though Jessica doesn’t meet her eyes or talk to her, she feels better just seeing Jessica there, vibrant and well.

“I’m sorry we didn’t come to see you,” Yuri says apologetically. “Kibum oppa told us that the fans were worried enough, and the company wants ‘minimum disruption’, whatever that means.”

“It’s okay. It’s not like I was pining over your absences.”

“You didn’t miss us, unnie?” Yoona asks, sounding hurt.

“I missed you, Yoong,” Jessica replies, a teasing sparkle in her eyes. “Unless you were part of the cucumber bouquet gang. Then I take that back.”

“I would never do that,” Yoona says, sounding injured, even though the first ever cucumber bouquet was her idea. Jessica rolls her eyes, but she’s smiling and Yoona smiles back.

Yuri jumps in with a “remember when…” and soon they’re all absorbed in exchanging stories and jokes. Juhyun stands slightly to the side, listening quietly with a smile, and Jessica tugs her in so the eight of them are standing in a circle of sorts by the door, listening, talking, reconnecting, a whole again now that their missing part has returned.

“Taeyeon,” Tiffany calls out, like she had at their concert. “Why are you always standing off to the side?” She reaches out a hand, beckoning Taeyeon over. “Come here.”

Taeyeon joins them and Jessica takes a step back so she can close the circle. Jessica glances at her once, nothing in her eyes: no hurt or resentment, joy or melancholy, and then looks away.

“You look—good,” Taeyeon says quietly. “I’m glad to see that.”

“Some time at home will do that to you,” Jessica says casually, still not looking at her. “Especially with a doting mom.”

“We have that here too,” Sooyoung says, pointing at Hyoyeon. “Did you get to spend time with Krystal? I know you’ve missed her a lot lately.”

“Yeah, I did, actually, since she hasn’t been busy with f(x). It was nice. I’ve missed my sister.” Jessica smiles, her eyes warm. “But I’ve missed you guys too. It’s good to be back.”

Sunkyu puts her arm around Jessica’s shoulder. “I thought we were your sisters too.”

“You are.” Jessica glances towards her bags by the door. “Any of you want to help me carry those, sis?”

They all look at each other, and Taeyeon is about to offer but Yoona beats her to it. Him Yoona to the rescue. “I’ll do it, unnie,” she says in a resigned voice, rolling up her sleeves.

Jessica beams at her. “I knew I loved you for a reason, Yoong.”

Yoona rolls her eyes. “Save your love for the cucumber bouquet,” she says, easily grabbing a bag in each hand. There’s one left, and Juhyun picks it up with more strain than Yoona.

“Just leave it beside my bed,” Jessica says airily. Juhyun nods and Yoona rolls her eyes again, but they both head toward her room without a further word. “We have the best maknaes.”

“You’re just saying that because they’re carrying your stuff for you,” Sooyoung says. “Why do you have all those bags anyway? You didn’t even take any home with you.”

“I have stuff to bring back,” Jessica says dismissively. “I didn’t see you offering to help with them.”

“I helped with other things.”

“Yeah, like what?”

“Like delighting you with the joy of my company.”

“The joy of your company,” Jessica repeats. “Yah, Choi Sooyoung, did your head get even bigger while I’ve been gone?”

“I don’t think that’s possible,” Hyoyeon remarks.

“This is just like you guys,” Yuri laughs. “Sica’s been back for five minutes and you’re fighting already.”

“Not fighting,” Sooyoung corrects, “talking. This is how we talk.”

“We do it out of love,” Jessica adds, exchanging a grin with Sooyoung.

Sunkyu nudges Taeyeon’s shoulder. “Are you okay?” she asks in a low voice.

“What?”

“You look—sad,” Sunkyu says, sounding like she has another word in mind. “I thought you wanted her to come back.”

“I did. I do.” Jessica’s bickering with Hyoyeon now, with Sooyoung jumping in now and then with snide remarks, while Yuri and Tiffany have their heads bent together in a conversation of their own. The maknaes haven’t returned from Jessica’s errand, and Taeyeon assumes that they’re talking too. Everyone is talking, and everyone looks happy, and Taeyeon’s standing in the middle of it all, not part of either. “I’m not sad.”

“You should talk to her.”

Yeah, I know. “What, right now?” she asks. “She looks happy. I don’t want to ruin that.”

“Taeyeon,” Sunkyu sighs.

“Later, okay?” Taeyeon says. “I’ll talk to her later.”

Sunkyu doesn’t look convinced. “I hope ‘later’ doesn’t mean next year.”

“Well, it is the end of December…”

“Kim Taeyeon.”

“Jessica!” Yuri says brightly, holding out a lovely arrangement of flowers in front of her. “We got you something as a token of our love and appreciation.”

Jessica stares at the bouquet like there’s a snake in it waiting to spring at her. “You know, Yoona already told me there are cucumbers in there. And also, where did that little speech of yours come from, a Hallmark card? You guys are terrible at this.”

“Jessi, I promise there aren’t any cucumbers in there,” Tiffany says, sincerity practically ringing in her voice. “I swear. Don’t you trust me?”

Jessica looks at Tiffany, taking in her earnest expression, and then turns her eyes to Yuri, who offers a wide smile. “I trust you,” she says slowly, “but as for the rest of these hooligans…”

Taeyeon actually has no idea whether there are cucumbers in the flowers or not. Knowing her members, there could be anything from cucumbers to a live jellyfish hidden in the bouquet. She just looks at Jessica, who scrutinizes the flowers in Yuri’s hand, her forehead furrowed, her bottom lip caught between her teeth, and only when Tiffany raises her eyebrows at Taeyeon does she realize that she’s staring all too obviously.

Jessica takes the flowers, holding them a careful distance away from her. “Thank you,” she says, sounding like she means it. “That’s—very thoughtful of you.”

Yuri grins. “Where’s my Hallmark thank you card?”

“It’s still in the mail. Along with your coal from Santa.”

Yuri pouts, putting on an expression of hurt, and Jessica laughs, her eyes crinkling. Taeyeon keeps watching, knowing she should stop and yet unable to keep her eyes away.

By some of luck Taeyeon manages to catch Jessica alone, and Taeyeon is struck by déjà vu at the two of them in the kitchen once again. She can only hope that this conversation won’t turn out like the one they had in the dead of night that day. Already it feels familiar, Jessica sitting silently at the table, having just returned from home.

“Sica,” she ventures.

“Hey,” Jessica says, calmly, evenly, her tone giving nothing away.

You’re not going to ignore me? Taeyeon thinks, but she doesn’t voice the question. “Are you completely better now?” she asks instead, concern slipping into her voice. “Did you see the doctor again?”

“I’m fine. I went to the doctor and I got an all-clear. You don’t have to worry about me.”

Taeyeon’s mouth curls up and then down wryly. “I’m good at worrying.”

“Hmm, so am I.” Jessica’s face is impassive, and Taeyeon stares at her for a long moment, words teetering at the edge of her lips, refusing to fall.

After an indefinite amount of time spent in silence, Jessica stands up and pushes her chair back. “Well, I’m tired and I’m going to go to bed. Good night.”

Taeyeon reaches out and grasps the top of Jessica’s chair, keeping it in place so she can’t just walk away.

“Jessica, can we talk?”

“About what?” Jessica asks, her expression carefully controlled, impossible to read.

“You know what.”

Her expression doesn’t change. “I don’t want to talk about that.”

“Jessica—”

“Do you remember what I told you, right before you left?”

“I remember everything,” Taeyeon says quietly.

Jessica looks away. “What did I tell you, then?”

“To leave.” Taeyeon’s grip loosens on the chair. “To listen to you for once.”

“Maybe you can make ‘once’ twice,” Jessica suggests. “Or is that too much to ask for?”

“I’m not leaving, Jessica. We need to talk.” Taeyeon steels her resolve. “You know I’m not exactly a talkative person, neither of us is, but we need to talk.”

Jessica meets her gaze with eyes like the lake frozen over at the start of winter, the ice fragile and in danger of cracking at the lightest contact.

“Fine, then talk.”

Taeyeon didn’t expect that at all, and her arm drops back to her side. “You’re not going to avoid me?”

There is a myriad of emotions in Jessica’s expression, but the one most in the foreground is exhaustion. It’s obvious that she’s tired, and Taeyeon wants her to get her rest, she doesn’t want to add to Jessica’s exhaustion, but if she lets go of this opportunity to talk, she’s not sure when they’ll have another one. If they’ll have another one.

“What would be the point?” There’s something tragically beautiful about Jessica’s smile. “I know how hard it is to avoid you, how you get when you want something. I can’t run away from you forever.”

Taeyeon feels like there’s a deeper meaning behind Jessica’s words, but try as she may, she can’t decipher it. That’s her problem, isn’t it, her incapability to understand, time and time again.

“How I get when I want something,” she repeats in a low voice. “You know, it took me a long time to realize what I want.” She takes a breath. This is the moment, she tells herself, this is it. She wouldn’t have a better chance than this, and like Tiffany says, they only have so many chances. She needs to take hers for once. “Jessica—”

“I shouldn’t have done it,” Jessica suddenly says.

“What?”

“I shouldn’t have done it,” she repeats. “I shouldn’t have—kissed you.” She stumbles a little over the word ‘kissed’, and just like that, the speech that Taeyeon has been rehearsing dissolves on her tongue. “And you shouldn’t have kissed me back. You shouldn’t have made me feel like—”

“Like what?” Taeyeon whispers.

Jessica shakes her head, her lips seem to form around words, but Taeyeon doesn’t hear anything at all, even though she’s trying as hard as she can to pick up on Jessica’s reply. Then Jessica sighs and looks up, her eyes dark and bleak, her lips pinched and her cheeks pale.

“I’m done explaining, Taeyeon. If you don’t understand, then…there’s nothing to understand.”

I don’t understand. I don’t understand how you could possibly have feelings for me after everything I said and did to you. I don’t understand what you see in me, because I don’t see it.

“Do you…” Taeyeon starts, and trails off there, left wanting again.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” Jessica says with an unsteady laugh. “I thought about ignoring you, I thought about telling you to go away, I thought about never coming back.”

The thought of the last notion makes a breath tighten in Taeyeon’s chest like a stab, and she reaches for Jessica without thinking about it, but Jessica flinches away from her.

“I’m sorry,” Taeyeon says, her voice cracking under the weight of her honesty.

Jessica says nothing, just bites her lip and stares into the distance, her eyes glassy, the ice having not just cracked but shattered, the water beneath dark and fathomless.

“I’ve thought about this for a long time,” Taeyeon says. “I couldn’t stop thinking about it. About you.”

Jessica’s eyes widen and then close, and she shakes her head. Her face is pale and her lips are bloodless, and her hair is swinging around her in a dark curtain. She looks rather ghostly that way, not so much a phantom but an ethereal vision, something that doesn’t belong on this face of the earth.

“It was a mistake,” she says quietly, and Taeyeon’s heart sinks.

“What?”

“Kissing you. It was a mistake.” Jessica’s voice is even now, but she won’t meet Taeyeon’s eyes. “I know I shouldn’t have done it. It was stupid and thoughtless of me, but I—but you kissed me back, and. I don’t know how I could have been expected to stop.”

“I told you I didn’t want you to stop—”

“And why didn’t you?” Jessica’s voice doesn’t rise in volume, but its edge is sharp enough to cut. “Why did you kiss me back?”

“Because I wanted to!” Taeyeon takes a deep breath. Jessica’s staring at her with shattered ice eyes, the jagged edges pulling her in, threatening to drown her. “Because I wanted you,” she whispers, “and I still do.”

“You want me,” Jessica repeats in a flat voice.

“Yes, I do,” Taeyeon says. “It just…took some time for me to realize it.”

Jessica stares at her, unblinking and unnerving, until she can’t help but look away. “So what? You ignore me for months, and you miraculously get over Tiffany after you’ve been in love with her for years, and then I hit my head and all of a sudden you want to kiss me?”

She can’t deny that everything Jessica said is true, but. “When you put it like that…”

“It’s the truth. Or have you come up with some pretty lie to put a new spin on it?”

“I promised you before that I wouldn’t lie to you again, and I haven’t. I wasn’t lying when I told you—what I told you.”

“Fine, you’re not lying,” Jessica says. “I believe you.”

Taeyeon exhales in relief, but the breath barely leaves her before another one catches in at Jessica’s next words.

“You think you want me.”

“I don’t just think that. I know—”

“You know? What do you know, Taeyeon?” Jessica’s voice gets quieter and quieter, laced with an edge of frost, and Taeyeon feels like it’s creeping into her and freezing her. “I thought things were getting better between us, I thought I had a chance, but you don’t see me at all, do you? You said you thought about me a lot. Well, maybe you think about me, but you don’t think of me.”

“That’s not true,” Taeyeon says, her voice rising. “I do think of you, all I could think of was how not to hurt you again—”

“Well thank you for your consideration, Saint Taeyeon!”

Taeyeon takes a deep breath so she won’t yell at Jessica, whose eyes are flashing like the promise of a thunderstorm. One angry person between them is enough.

“Jessica, what do you want from me?” she asks softly, helplessly. “I thought you wanted me; well, I want you too, but you tell me first that I’m lying, and then that I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what you want to hear from me.”

Jessica’s eyes are wide and huge in her pale face, and it makes her look young and fragile. “You think that you want me,” she starts in a slow, measured voice, “but you don’t know what it’s like to want someone so badly that it hurts not to see them, but it hurts even more to see them, because they won’t look at you, won’t talk to you. You don’t know what it’s like when the person you want the most wants you the least.”

Taeyeon’s breath freezes in and she feels like her heart does too. Everything is still and silent, in and around her. All she can hear is the soundless echo of Jessica’s words sinking into the air between them, and all she can see is the look on Jessica’s face, a look that cuts into her, wounds her as if Jessica’s pain has manifested physically and transferred to her.

“And then the person that you’ve wanted for so long tells you that she wants you too.”

Jessica’s mouth curves up in the ghost of a smile. There’s no humour in that smile, no warmth, no joy, and when she turns it on Taeyeon along with her gaze, Taeyeon almost shivers.

“Tell me, Taeyeon. What would you do?”