“TaeTae,” Tiffany says with concern. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Taeyeon lies. She’s good at that, lying, just not so much to herself. “Perfectly fine.”

“Good then, because I need to talk to you about something.” And all traces of softness are suddenly wiped away from Tiffany’s face. “What did you say to Jessica?”

Taeyeon stares at her. Had Jessica gone running to her to tell her how awful Taeyeon had been? It’s not that Taeyeon doesn’t deserve that, but she hadn’t thought for one second that Jessica would do that.

“She didn’t tell me anything,” Tiffany says, like she can read Taeyeon’s mind. She probably can; she’s Tiffany. “She wouldn’t even give me a chance to ask her what’s wrong; she just ran out. But she was crying. Crying. I can’t remember the last time I saw Jessi cry.”

Tiffany looks at Taeyeon like she doesn’t know who she is anymore, and when she speaks, her voice is low and tightly controlled, but Taeyeon can hear the disappointment in it.

“What did you do, Taeyeon?”

Taeyeon feels a hot wave of shame wash over her. She can’t stand the way Tiffany’s looking at her, like she’s turned into some kind of stranger, a stranger who hurts people, and so she looks away.

“I said some things.”

Tiffany’s voice is sharp, sharper than Taeyeon’s ever heard it. “What things?”

“I don’t feel like repeating them.”

Or more accurately, she can’t bear to. What she said was so awful that the memory of the words in makes her feel revolted at herself. There’s no way she can repeat them. Especially not to Tiffany, who’s so beautiful even in fury, who she still aches for even now.

“You don’t need to repeat them, but whatever you said, it hurt Jessica so badly that she cried. You made her cry. People have said and done some awful things to her, but I can count on one hand the people who’ve made her cry.”

“I didn’t mean them,” Taeyeon croaks. “I didn’t mean what I said.”

“But you meant to hurt her.”

It’s not a question, but she answers with a shameful nod anyway.

“I’m so disappointed in you.” Tiffany’s voice is actually shaking. “I didn’t know you had this in you. Jessi’s been trying so hard to just get you to look at her properly, to laugh with her, and this is what you do.”

She says nothing, just lowers her eyes as every one of Tiffany’s words hits her like a stake driven through her. In a corner of her mind, she wonders if this is just a shadow of what Jessica felt.

“How could you do that? Did you – do you even plan on apologizing?”

“She’s never going to forgive me now,” Taeyeon says hollowly. “If I were her, I wouldn’t forgive me either.”

“So you’re not even going to try?” Tiffany’s voice rises, reaching a volume that hurts Taeyeon’s ears, but then again, the cutting edge in it brings enough pain by itself. “Jessica’s been trying for so long, and if her effort doesn’t mean anything to you, then what about her love?”

“What?”

“She loves you, Taeyeon,” Tiffany says slowly, like she’s talking to a child. “You don’t need me to tell you that, do you?”

“Jessica doesn’t love me. She said herself that we’re not even that close.”

Tiffany looks so frustrated that Taeyeon wouldn’t be surprised if she hit her. She wouldn’t be undeserving either.

“You’re not close because you won’t let her in! You won’t let anyone in, except me sometimes because I’ve tried so hard to break down your walls. You can’t expect everyone to make that effort, not if they don’t get anything in return.”

“I never asked any of you to make any effort.”

“Of course we did!” Tiffany exclaims, with such incredulity that she has to take a breath afterwards before continuing. “Of course we made an effort, and we still do, because we love you. And I know you love us, and you need us, even though you try to act like you don’t, you try to tell yourself you don’t. Well guess what? I need you, and I’ve never been ashamed to admit it, and I never will be. It’s not a weakness to need people.”

“I need you,” Taeyeon says, voice half-wrecked with desperation and sincerity. “I need you, Tiffany.”

Tiffany takes another deep breath. Her face calms somewhat, but it doesn’t soften. “I’m not the only one you need. You need all of us. Jessica too.”

Taeyeon knows that Tiffany’s right. Tiffany’s annoyingly good at being right, while the only things that Taeyeon’s good at are singing and hurting people.

“She doesn’t need me.”

“Maybe she doesn’t, but she wants you, and sometimes wanting means more than needing.”

“You make it sound like Jessica’s in love with me,” she jokes weakly.

“Loving someone can mean just as much as being in love with them,” Tiffany say, with a sort of soft solemnity that makes Taeyeon sure she knows. “It’s not just the romantic loves that matter in the world.”

“I know,” Taeyeon says thickly, and then looks away, because Tiffany’s too beautiful to look at head-on. Sometimes she feels like she’s looking into the sun, like she’ll be blinded if she doesn’t draw her eyes away, but she can’t do it. “But it’s romantic love that people spend their whole lives looking for.”

“That’s because you don’t have to look for other types of love so hard. Often they come find you. We found each other, didn’t we? All of us.”

“We were kind of shoved at each other,” Taeyeon says wryly.

“You’re ruining the moment,” Tiffany tells her, and she pretends to zip her lips shut. “Fine, we were…pushed together, but even though they could make us be together, they couldn’t make us love each other.”

Taeyeon winces, because Tiffany’s words are so similar to what she said to Jessica, only Tiffany is sweet and sincere and Taeyeon is…herself.

“And we did anyway.” Tiffany beams. “We love each other, and we’re not going to let each other go so easily. Okay?” She gives Taeyeon a meaningful look.

“You ask a lot from me, Fany.”

“Only because I know you’re capable of giving it.”

“You think highly of me too.”

“You think too lowly of yourself, and you think too highly of us.” Tiffany’s eyes soften. “It’s not easy to be the person those we love see us as, is it?”

“No,” Taeyeon murmurs. “It isn’t.”

“Kim Taeyeon, I need to have a word with you,” Yuri says as soon as she sees her, and the look in her eyes makes Taeyeon actually feel a tingle of fear, although this is Yuri and she’s never been the least bit frightening.

Until now, that is.

“Can this…” She gestures weakly to the kitchen. “I finally had a break, and I could really use a drink of water.”

“Well I could really use one of Sica’s smiles, but I don’t think I’m going to see one anytime soon. You wouldn’t happen to know why, would you?”

Taeyeon swallows. “So this is about Jessica,” she says, even though she knew it had to be as soon as she saw Yuri’s face.

Of course she would be grilled by Jessica’s two best friends in the span of one day. Something about Jessica inspires both incredible loyalty and incredible protectiveness.

“Who else would it be about?” Yuri asks, crossing her arms over her chest. “Look, if you think that we didn’t notice how you’ve been ignoring each other for the past couple of months, then you must think we’re really stupid.”

“I don’t think you’re stupid. And we weren’t ignoring each other,” she adds as an afterthought.

“Fine. You were ignoring Jessica, and after trying to get through to you, she couldn’t succeed and she didn’t try anymore. Are you going to deny that?”

“No, I’m not,” Taeyeon sighs. “There’s no point in denying the truth.”

Yuri looks a little startled at that. “You hurt her really badly. You’re not going to deny that either, are you?”

Taeyeon shakes her head minutely. There’s no point denying the truth, especially a truth that’s been weighing her down, getting heavier and heavier by the minute.

“Are you sorry?”

“Yes,” she says hoarsely, honestly.

Yuri seems to falter, like it’s just been her indignant anger carrying her so far, and she doesn’t know what to do now that it’s leaving her.

“Are you going to apologize?”

A moment’s pause there. “Yes.”

“But you don’t think she’ll accept your apology.”

“Why would she? Why should she?”

“Jessica is a good person. She wouldn’t hold a grudge for no reason.” The look Yuri gives Taeyeon questions whether the same can be said about her.

“I was jealous of her,” Taeyeon admits, “for many things.”

“Well, that’s understandable,” Yuri says, surprising her. “I’m jealous of her too. She’s so pretty, and she sings like an angel, and she has no charisma whatsoever but she’s so charming. Not to mention she’s totally blessed in the chest department.”

That gets a half snort of a laugh from Taeyeon.

“I think it’s perfectly understandable to be jealous of Jessica, but it’s not okay to let jealousy turn into bitterness and resentment and channel that out through hurting her.”

Taeyeon’s head bows under the combined weight of Yuri’s truthful accusations and her own guilt.

Yuri sighs. “I didn’t corner you to yell at you, Taengoo. Well, okay, maybe I did a little, but I just wanted to make sure that—I just want things to be okay between you guys again. I know I’m completely taking Jessica’s side in this, and that’s not very fair, but I don’t know your side. If you want to tell me, then go ahead.”

Taeyeon feels like there’s a knot in . “There’s nothing to say.”

Yuri sighs again, but she doesn’t sound frustrated, not really. “You’re a good person too, Taengoo. You’re a good leader and a good friend. You’re just—I don’t understand you, because I know you care about this group just as much as the rest of us, probably even more than we do, and I know you care about us, but you’re just so closed off all the time. Why?”

Yuri’s eyes are big and dark, and she looks tired the way Jessica did, and earnest the way Tiffany did, and it hurts Taeyeon to know that she’s hurting them, the girls she loves.

She wants to tell them that they look at her all the time for guidance, for answers, for things that she desperately wants to give them but doesn’t have, and it’s exhausting and terrifying to be looked at like that. She wants to tell them that she loves them more than anything, anything, in the world, and they’re all she has, really, and the thought of losing them sometimes wakes her up in the middle of night, cold from sweat and terror.

She wants to tell them that she’s not the person they think she is. She’s not Taengoo, kid leader, dorky umma, she’s just Taeyeon, and she’s selfish and afraid and weak and many, many ugly things that she wants to hide from them and hide them from.

She wants to tell them so many things that there’s no way she could possibly start, but maybe she’s already ended before she even began, with what happened with Jessica.

“I’m afraid,” Taeyeon confesses softly, with Yuri looking at her with the infinite patience and concern that only love could give. “I’m so afraid, Yul.”

Yuri doesn’t ask of what even though she doesn’t look like she completely understands. Instead, she pulls Taeyeon into her arms and her hair as she weeps like a child on Yuri’s shoulder.

“Better?” Yuri asks afterward, gentle.

Taeyeon nods mutely, wiping at her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she croaks.

“Don’t be. Everyone just needs a good cry sometimes.”

She sniffs. “I shouldn’t be crying. I should be here for you guys to cry on. I’m the leader, I—”

“You’re just human, Taengoo,” Yuri murmurs. “You don’t have to be, and you can’t be, strong all the time. We all know you’re here for us, but you need to know that we’re here for you too.”

“I know,” Taeyeon says, and her voice breaks off because she feels like there are tears in , and she didn’t know that you could have tears there, but they’re burning her with heat and salt. “I know that.”

“Good,” Yuri says, still gentle, putting her arm around Taeyeon.

This time Taeyeon doesn’t cry, but she swallows harshly a few times and dabs at her still wet eyes. Yuri doesn’t say anything, just holds her, and she thinks that Tiffany was right – this kind of love is amazing too.