A/N: Fair warning, I wrote the first half of this at 5:30 in the morning after 3 hours of reading romance novels. I was going to go to sleep, but I was overwhelmed by a rush of feelings, and I knew I had to write something. I meant to work on BIY, but my feelings poured out in here instead. And then I wrote the second half at work, where I was really groggy and glancing over my shoulder every other minute because I was scared of getting caught. (Yeah, don’t follow my example, kids. Do work at work – or school.)

So please bear that in mind. I've reread and revised this like three or four times, but I still can't make up my mind on it. I like it sometimes, I hate it at other times, and you very well may react the same way. But if I let myself keep stewing over this chapter, at this rate I'll never post it and the fic will just...

So, I'm posting it now. You have been warned.

What could she say to that? What could she possibly say?

“I don’t know,” Taeyeon admits, soft, defeated. “I don’t know what I would do.”

Jessica smiles again, but the expression can’t really be called a smile, just an upward curve of her lips that doesn’t touch her eyes.

Taeyeon has looked at and into Jessica’s eyes so many, many times over the years, and yet it still surprises her how much is in them. Even now, when they’re so dark and bleak, there still seems to be little specks of light in them, like the reflection of stars.

“I was in love with Tiffany,” Taeyeon starts slowly, unsure what to say, just that she has to say something. She has to say something to keep Jessica there, because if Jessica leaves, Taeyeon doesn’t know if she would ever come back. “She didn’t return my feelings, but she still loved me, she still treated me as her best friend, she never pushed me away…”

She trails off and suddenly wonders why Tiffany had never treated her any differently after she found out about her feelings. There was never a point where Tiffany’s behaviour towards her changed; she had always been so warm, so kind, so caring.

Well, of course, she tells herself. She’s Tiffany. It’s not like she would have screamed at you or told you to go away and never see her again.

Taeyeon had been in so much pain because the person she was in love with didn’t love her back. But at least Tiffany has always been very close with her, very considerate of her feelings, nothing like the way she had treated Jessica for so long.

So how on earth could Jessica be in love with her?

“If you want to talk about Tiffany, then go find her and tell her,” Jessica says in a remote voice. “Or tell Yuri. Before she ends up walking down the same path you did.”

“What?”

“Yuri is, if not in love with Tiffany, very close to it. Haven’t you noticed?” Jessica gives her a hard look. “Who am I kidding, you’re not exactly the most perceptive of people.”

“I’m not, am I,” Taeyeon says with a weary chuckle. “You’re right – I didn’t see you. I was so blind. I still am.”

Jessica stills at that, her eyebrows drawing together. A dent forms between them when she frowns these days, and it looks deeper every time Taeyeon sees it. She worries that one day it’ll become permanent.

“I’m just talking about Tiffany because I don’t have any other prior experience to draw upon. I’m not trying to compare you two, but I can’t help comparing…this. I’ve never felt something like this towards anyone but Tiffany, okay, so I just. It’s automatic, I can’t help it.”

Jessica still doesn’t move, her muscles seeming to be locked in place. She doesn’t even blink; she just stares at Taeyeon with such a fixed, deep gaze it’s like she can swallow her just with the force of it.

“I don’t know why I kissed you back. I mean, I do know why, but I—I’m so confused.” Taeyeon takes a breath. “I’m sorry, I know I’ve been really self-centered and unfair to you, because even though I thought about you a lot… You’re right, I haven’t thought of you.”

Jessica blinks finally, her lashes lowering over her eyes. She doesn’t speak and Taeyeon doesn’t either, just looks at her and thinks dizzily and dizzyingly that she just wants to keep looking at her for a little longer, even though Jessica won’t look back at her, even though it hurts.

Is this how Jessica felt?

“What if,” Jessica suddenly says, “what if Tiffany came here right now and told you that she was in love with you and she wanted to be with you? What would you say? What would you do?”

It’s the last question Taeyeon would ever have expected, so she just stares at Jessica, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, unable to speak.

“Don’t tell me you haven’t ever imagined that,” Jessica says flatly.

Taeyeon finds her voice. “Of course I have. I dreamt about it. Sometimes the dream was so real I woke up thinking it really happened, and then I realize it didn’t, and all I wanted was to fall asleep again and return to the dream.”

“So of course you would run right into her arms and you could be happy TaeNy together,” Jessica says, her voice full of bitterness.

“Tiffany would never tell me that. She doesn’t feel that way about me.”

“And it must kill you, huh?”

Taeyeon sighs. “I told you, Jessica, I don’t feel that way anymore.”

“I don’t believe you can spend years of your life loving someone and then just let it all go so quickly.”

“Is that what this is about? Tiffany?” Taeyeon hesitates. “Are you jealous?”

“Am I jealous?” Jessica laughs, and it’s even worse than her smile. Taeyeon almost winces. “How can I be jealous when I can’t compare to her even a little? When have you ever given me a shred of the feelings you’ve given Tiffany?”

Taeyeon’s been rendered speechless many times in their conversation, and she’s struck by it again. She’s never been a verbose person, never been very good with words, especially not when it matters the most.

So instead she just puts her arms around Jessica, who freezes at her embrace, who’s so cold and still she really does feel like a statue. An ice statue, maybe, like her nickname, too beautiful to last.

“I haven’t thought about Tiffany like that in a long time,” Taeyeon says honestly. “I haven’t thought about you like that either, until you kissed me. Then – I don’t know. You’re a really good kisser, you know? Not that it has to do with how I feel, but…you’re a really good kisser.”

Jessica makes a small, pained sound, and Taeyeon realizes that she’s holding Jessica so tightly it’s like she’s trying to crush her. (Really, she’s just trying to keep Jessica here, in the cage of her arms, both of them prisoners.) She must be hurting her. Realizing that, she starts to let go, but Jessica makes another pained sound, higher-pitched this time, sounding like a wounded animal, and tucks her face against Taeyeon’s neck. Her shoulders are faintly shaking, and the shivers spread to her body and she starts trembling all over.

Taeyeon wants to shoot herself. Jessica may present a cool, chic, poised front to the world, and sometimes she really is like that, but they all know that in the group she’s the most fragile, the most easily hurt, the most needing of protection.

And Taeyeon’s failed terribly in that, as a member, as a leader, and as a friend. Instead of protecting Jessica, she’s just hurt her over and over again.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers, loosening her hold so it’s firm but not harsh. Jessica doesn’t seem to hear her; she’s shaking so hard it’s like she’s having a seizure, and Taeyeon can feel something wet against the skin of her neck. Jessica’s tears. She’s crying. Taeyeon’s made her cry, yet again. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

She says the words again and again – a mantra, a litany, an endless chain of guilt and pain and regret – until her voice gets lower and hoarser and finally gives out on her. Even then she keeps mouthing the words.

At the beginning of their conversation, Jessica had been apathetic, impassive, and then her indifference had quickly given way to anger. Now it seems that her anger has left her and revealed what it was covering all along:

Hurt.

“Stop,” Jessica whispers, her voice every bit as hoarse as Taeyeon’s. She hadn’t made a single sound as she was crying, but her voice sounds cried out. Taeyeon remembers that you can have tears in your throat, that they can burn you.

She swallows, feeling the burn. “Stop what?”

“Let go of me,” Jessica says in a small but clear voice. “I don’t want you to touch me.”

“I-I’m sorry.” Taeyeon lets her arms fall away from Jessica, leaning back, but she can’t bring herself to move far.

Jessica wipes her sleeve across her eyes, sniffling. Her fingers are still trembling slightly, the last site of her quake. She looks—blurry, and Taeyeon brings a hand to her own eyes, realizing that they’re wet.

“I keep making you cry,” she whispers, appalled. “I’m a terrible person. You should hit me.”

Jessica’s voice hitches. “Don’t think I haven’t thought about it.”

“You should slap me, punch me, kick me, if you want. You should hate me, not—”

“—love you?” Jessica supplies blandly, moving her arm away from her face. Her eyes are rimmed with red, tear tracks still down her face, and rationally Taeyeon knows she doesn’t look very good (most people don’t after crying), but she’s still beautiful to Taeyeon.

Taeyeon shakes her head. “You shouldn’t love me.”

Jessica is very still for a long moment. She looks down at her lap, tears still clinging to her lashes, and whispers her reply.

“I know. But I still do.”

At that, Taeyeon feels like she’s been slapped, punched, kicked, and beyond all that. Don’t, she almost says, but she can’t bear to, because she wants Jessica to love her. She knows she’s undeserving and unworthy of Jessica’s love, but she still wants it.

“I know you’ll never love me back,” Jessica says quietly. “I know I’m just…being wishful. But I can’t help the way I feel, and I’ve given up on trying.” She looks at Taeyeon then, and it’s like the stars in her eyes have been extinguished and there’s nothing but night sky in them. “I’m sorry I kissed you, but I’m not sorry about how I feel.”

“You shouldn’t be sorry, and I don’t want you to be. I’m the one who’s sorry.”

Jessica gives a tired smile. “Yeah, I think I got that. You only said it about a hundred times.”

“Only a hundred?” Taeyeon tries to smile too, but she doesn’t quite succeed. “You deserve more than that.”

“You don’t have to be sorry,” Jessica says quietly. “I’ve had my dreams too. It’s time for me to wake up.”

“Jessica—”

“I’m sorry I yelled at you. I was—” She sighs; a long, emptying exhale. “It’s tiring to wear a mask for so long. I’m tired. I’m so tired, Taeyeon.”

“You must be,” Taeyeon says, her voice full of sympathy and guilt and something tender that surprises herself, and she leans in and kisses Jessica.

Jessica gasps against , stock-still for a moment, and then her hands are at Taeyeon’s shoulders, moving in a conflicting motion, pushing and pulling at the same time, like she wants Taeyeon closer to her but also away from her.

Taeyeon acted completely on impulse, lost in the spur of the moment, but now that is on Jessica’s, she doesn’t regret it.

Jessica digs her nails in with such force that Taeyeon feels it through her shirt, pushing her away. Taeyeon loses her balance and trips over a chair, toppling onto the ground. Her side bangs against the edge of the chair on her way down, and she gingerly presses her hand to it with a hiss. She’ll have a nasty bruise there the next day.

“Taeyeon.” Jessica sounds stricken. “I didn’t mean to – are you okay?”

I’m fine, Taeyeon starts to say, but she looks up and sees the worry in Jessica’s eyes, and she puts on an expression of pain learned from the master, Sunkyu. “Yeah,” she says in a weak voice, in a breath through her teeth (it does hurt, so it’s not like it’s all acting). “I’m okay.”

The worry in Jessica’s eyes rockets up a level, followed by guilt. Wordlessly, she reaches out a hand to help Taeyeon up, and that’s when the rest of the girls come into the kitchen.

There are more than a few eyebrows raised at the scene in front of them: Taeyeon sprawled on the ground beside a knocked over chair and Jessica standing over her, pale and anxious.

Yuri blinks. “Whoa, are you two fighting again?”

Taeyeon schools her face into a calm expression and glances at Jessica, hoping she won’t give anything away, but Jessica isn’t paying Yuri or the other girls any attention. Instead, she’s staring at Taeyeon’s shirt with alarming intensity.

“What?” Taeyeon follows Jessica’s gaze to see that her top has ridden up, partially revealing the area where her side hit the chair. The skin there is red-purple and there’s a long, shallow scratch – they really need to get some new chairs, blunt impact isn’t supposed to do that.

“Sica, it’s okay,” she says reassuringly, even though it’s starting to hurt worse and worse.

“I’m sorry.” Jessica’s voice is so small that Taeyeon barely hears it, and yet somehow it seems to echo in the room.

“It’s okay.” Taeyeon tugs her shirt down. When her hand grazes over the bruise, it sends a painful jolt up her side, and she can’t help her small grimace. Jessica looks devastated; her expression makes Taeyeon feel a stab of pain that makes the ache in her side pale in comparison. “Jessica, I’m okay.”

Jessica doesn’t look convinced in the slightest, so Taeyeon puts her hand over Jessica’s and gives it a reassuring squeeze.

“It was my fault anyway.” She frowns. “Sorry, I should have asked you. I just thought – sorry. I was being self-centered again.”

“You thought I would have liked it?” Jessica asks quietly. “You weren’t wrong.”

Taeyeon’s throat closes up on her. She realizes, suddenly, that her hand is still on Jessica’s, and she doesn’t know if Jessica wants her to let go or not, so she keeps it there awkwardly.

Someone clears , a light sound that startles Taeyeon, who had forgotten that the seven of them were right there in the room with her and Jessica.

“It sounds like we missed a lot of fun,” Sooyoung says blithely. “What have you two been up to?”

“We were—” Jessica starts, no doubt about to make up some kind of excuse, but abruptly an idea strikes Taeyeon, one of the only ways she can convince Jessica that she’s serious, that she’s sincere, and she doesn’t let Jessica finish.

“We were arguing about whether or not to tell you guys.”

“Tell us what?” Sunkyu asks, eyes narrowed slightly.

“That we’re…” Taeyeon looks at Jessica, whose eyes are wide, her face pale, clearly projecting what the hell are you doing, Taeyeon?! “…going out.”

“What?” seven voices chorus together. Jessica just gapes silently at Taeyeon, but her eyes ask – demand, really – the same question.

“Jessica and I, we’re dating,” Taeyeon says calmly. “We just didn’t know how to tell you, or when the right time was to tell you.”

Sooyoung’s eyes look like they’re going to pop out of her head. Yoona glances between the two of them nonstop, as if she has no idea what to make of this news. Juhyun looks quietly thoughtful and Hyoyeon loudly thoughtful, like she’s bursting with questions. Sunkyu’s eyes have narrowed so much that they can’t even be made out anymore.

Tiffany just smiles, not looking very surprised. Yuri goes a step beyond that as she breaks into a wide grin, her eyes bright and knowing. Taeyeon gives the two of them a questioning glance – how could they possibly know (or rather, think they know)? Tiffany and Yuri exchange a conspiratorial look; Tiffany’s smile widens, her eyes disappearing, her cheeks dimpling, and at that smile, Yuri’s softens into something dream-like.

Taeyeon thinks about what Jessica said about them, only confirming what she already saw, and really, it’s unmistakeable. If Tiffany can see Jessica’s feelings for Taeyeon, how can she not see Yuri’s feelings for her?

Jessica turns to Taeyeon and says one word: her name. She packs so much menace into it that Taeyeon has to fight back a shiver. It passes over her anyway and along with it returns a sudden instinct for acting.

“I’m sorry, Sica,” she says innocently. “I know you didn’t want to tell them yet, but I think the timing seemed perfect.”

“You didn’t have to hit Taeyeon unnie for it, Sica unnie,” Yoona says in a reprimanding tone, helping Taeyeon up.

Taeyeon settles into a chair, moving gingerly and trying to look hurt. It’s not hard, because with every move she makes, her side throbs a little more.

Jessica’s face softens the slightest bit, but there’s still a death threat in her eyes, and deep beneath that, volumes and volumes of hurt.

Do you really think I’m playing with you? Taeyeon wonders. How could I stand to do that, after how much I’ve already hurt you? And why would I ever take it this far?

Even if she and Jessica were really in a relationship, she wouldn’t announce it to the girls out of the blue like this, and she knows Jessica knows that and is trying to process why she would do this. She only hopes that Jessica can deduce the real reason, but she doubts it. Jessica thinks too little of herself, or at least of how Taeyeon feels towards her.

If she can’t figure it out, then Taeyeon will have to take the initiative and tell her.

“She didn’t hit me,” Taeyeon says. “It was an accident. We don’t have an abusive relationship.”

“Good,” Sooyoung says. “I wouldn’t want to have to call the cops on you.”

“Do you guys—” Taeyeon looks at them, genuine concern in her eyes now, because no one’s opinion matters more to her than theirs. “Are you okay with it?”

“Why wouldn’t we be okay with it?” Hyoyeon says. “I mean, I’ll take this over the cold war between you guys any day.”

Taeyeon winces a little at the mention of that, and she glances at Jessica, whose face has gone blank. Once again, she’s defaulting to her mask, her defence mechanism.

“If you’re happy, then we’re happy, unnie,” Juhyun says to both of them.

Taeyeon releases a breath she didn’t even know she was holding. Yuri and Tiffany clearly have no problems with it; if anything, their reaction indicates the opposite. Sunkyu, she would have to talk to, and that’ll be tricky. Sooyoung and Hyoyeon are comfortable enough to joke about it, which is a great sign. And Juhyun – Taeyeon didn’t realize how worried she was about the maknae’s reaction, but it turns out she didn’t need to worry.

But of course, the person whose reaction she cares the most about isn’t showing any at all.

“When did this happen?” Tiffany asks, her eyes keen.

“When I went to see Jessica at her parents’ house,” Taeyeon gives a prepared reply. There’s some truth in that anyway. “It was…unexpected, but sometimes surprises are good.”

She squeezes Jessica’s hand, willing her to understand that she means every word, that she isn’t playing around. Maybe Jessica picks up on some of that, because a small amount of emotion returns to her face: confusion, followed by equal measures of anticipation and wariness.

Taeyeon turns to Jessica, facing her fully, and it’s like a degree of tunnel vision comes over her. Her peripheral vision fades and all she sees is Jessica.

“We’d have to tell them someday,” she says with a smile. “Might as well be today, right?”

Jessica just stares at her. “And do you want to tell me something?”

“People say that wishful thinking is futile, but you know, sometimes wishes come true.”

Jessica’s face goes through a spectrum of emotions, from shock to disbelief to suspicion to painfully strained hope.

“You’re serious about this?”

“Wake up,” Taeyeon says softly, and this time she waits a beat, for Jessica’s permission, and when she sees no resistance, she closes the last bit of distance between them and slants over Jessica’s.

“Okay, okay, we’re happy for you, but we don’t need to see that,” Sooyoung says hastily. “Get a room, will you?”

Jessica’s eyes are hazy, clouded over like she just woke up. Then, when Taeyeon smiles at her, partly from what Sooyoung said, mostly because it seems that Jessica is finally starting to believe her, something bright flickers in them, like a light turning on. Like stars winking to life.

“Are you offering yours?” she asks Sooyoung. There’s that sense of humour again

Sooyoung’s expression of disgust is comical and clearly exaggerated. “I am so glad I’m not rooming with you anymore. I don’t need to see what you two get up to.”

The slightest hint of pink crawls over Jessica’s cheekbones. “We haven’t—gotten up to anything.”

“There’s still time,” Taeyeon whispers in her ear, and the blush spreads to her whole face, even the tips of her ears and the back of her neck. Interesting. Taeyeon wonders where else that blush spreads to.

She thinks about her list, the qualities she wants in a person to be with. Someone who she can be herself with. Someone who she’s comfortable around. Someone who she can be serious or playful with. Someone beautiful, inside and out.

And she realizes that she’s looking at such a person. How had she not managed to see her for so long?

“I’m serious,” Taeyeon replies sincerely, taking Jessica’s hand again, and this time Jessica lets her. She doesn’t do anything else, just holds it, her chest full but not heavy as she looks around at her family and then back at the girl who loves her and who she would like to love one day. “Please believe me. This is what I want.”

And as she says it, her last little bit of doubt fades away, like cotton candy on the tongue, leaving only sweetness behind. She’s not in love with Jessica, and she still doesn’t understand how Jessica could be with her, but like she said, there’s still time. There’s a lot of time, and she know now how she wants to spend it, and more importantly, who she wants to spend it with.

Jessica’s eyes lock with hers, and there’s still doubt in them, and hurt, and disbelief, but there’s also hope, and it’s no longer so strained. She ducks her head so she can whisper in Taeyeon’s ear, her hair falling over both of them, hiding them, sheltering them.

“We need to talk later.”

It’s not a request.

“Okay.”

She feels more than a little wariness about that talk, and more than a little pain from her side, but then Jessica leans back and smiles, faint and tired but undeniably real, effortlessly beautiful, and Taeyeon feels more than a little happiness.