Taeyeon knows the other members (besides Tiffany, whose gazes have gone from disappointed to pitying, which is almost worse, and Yuri, who is attached to Jessica by the hip these days and doesn’t say much to Taeyeon, as if Jessica’s silence has spread to her) know something’s going on, and they express their concern in their own ways.

Juhyun leaves her cups of herbal tea on her nightstand, and fills in the to-do lists that she has pinned to the bulletin board behind her desk, and asks her quietly if she wants to talk and accepts it without questions when Taeyeon tells her not now, maybe later, thank you.

Yoona uses that ridiculous choding voice of hers, all unnie and you have to smile, leaning in with twinkling eyes and a smile crooked with mischief, until Taeyeon is caught between laughing and trying to cover her ears at the same time, forgetting her worries for a brief and glorious moment.

Sooyoung insists on taking Taeyeon jogging with her, and Taeyeon spends most of it complaining about how Sooyoung’s mile-long legs gives her an unfair advantage and how half the joggers behind them are probably stalker fans. In retaliation Sooyoung dumps half a bottle of water over her head and then slows to a brisk walk, clutching her stomach and wheezing about how she looks like a drowned chicken.

Hyoyeon asks her advice about what to buy as she’s shopping online, clicking and scrolling away, and some of her choices are so ridiculous that Taeyeon just spends half a minute staring at the screen, not processing what she’s seeing. Then Hyoyeon insists on buying her some slinky silk thing that she calls “lingerie”, and the shopping all goes to hell (in the best of ways) from there.

Sunkyu makes her watch reruns of old dramas with her until her eyes glaze over, shoves candy and cookies and other (delicious) junk food in her hands, claiming that it would be a waste not to eat what she’s worked so hard to hide from Juhyun, gives her a back rub that makes her feel like she’s being beaten up but then leaves her loose-limbed and refreshed, and is pretty much the best friend Taeyeon could ask for, just like usual.

She can tell how worried they are about her, and how they want her to feel better, to be happy, and she wishes that she could be, if not for herself then for them. She doesn’t want them to hurt for or because of her; she wants them to smile and laugh and tease each other and goof off and play games and dance around, because they’re SoShi and this is the way they are.

She wants to go back to the past, time machine or magic or whatever, to when they were really girls instead of the word being put on them like a label and a brand, when they smiled just because they were happy and sang just because they wanted to.

(When Jessica ran straight into her arms after destroying all their eardrums in Horror Movie Factory, when Jessica held her gaze like there was nothing better to look at as she sang Want and Resent, their voices twining together effortlessly and flawlessly, when Jessica didn’t become the epitome of her nickname around her, cold and unapproachable.)

Taeyeon knows that it’s no one’s fault but her own, and she wants to fix it, but Jessica won’t talk to her, won’t even look at her, and she feels so helpless and desperate she doesn’t know what to do.

Jessica has been—well, not exactly actively avoiding her, but not coming close to her if she could help it. Every time Taeyeon’s tried to approach her, Jessica would either be busy or just conveniently ‘disappear’ when she has her head turned.

Jessica’s so subtle and nonchalant about the whole thing that it’s almost like nothing’s going on. (But then again, Taeyeon thinks, that’s exactly what’s happening, what they have between them now – nothing.)

Their roles have been reversed, with Taeyeon being the pursuer rather than the pursued, and she realizes now just how much it hurts.

“Oppa, where’s Jessica?” Taeyeon asks Jooyoung, worn down and exhausted from a gruelling day of vocal and dance practice, as well as Japanese lessons and a discussion about an upcoming CF. She’s been looking for Jessica for the past half an hour with no success.

“Jessica? She went home for the weekend.”

She stares at Jooyoung, unable to form any words, his reply cycling through her head: went home for the weekend. Went home. Left.

“Taeyeon, are you alright?” he asks with concern. “You haven’t been looking very great.”

“I knew I shouldn’t have been skipping my nightly beauty routine,” she jokes weakly. “BB cream really makes a difference, doesn’t it?”

“You know I’m not talking about make-up,” Jooyoung sighs. “I know I’m your manager and there are things you can’t talk to me about, but I’m also your friend and I’m worried about you. You know I care about all of you.”

Taeyeon nods mutely. She knows that, of course she knows that. She trusts Jooyoung, and she thinks of him as a friend, but she can’t talk to him about this. She can’t.

“I’ve been having some problems.” She hesitates. “Personal problems.”

He doesn’t look surprised at the news. “Within the group?”

“Sort of,” she hedges.

Her conflict with Jessica is definitely within the group, but it’s not just about the group, so she can’t exactly just say ‘yes’ or ‘no’.

“I promise I won’t let it affect my performances. No one outside will be able to tell.”

“It’s not about that,” Jooyoung says gently. “I’m worried about you, Kim Taeyeon, not Girls’ Generation’s leader Taeyeon.”

“You make it sound like they’re two different people.”

“Aren’t they?”

Again, that’s not really a yes or no question. They’re idols, which also means that they’re actresses, and no matter how genuine they are in variety shows and interviews and such, there will always be that line between their professional and personal identities, between who they’re expected to be and who they really are, and it’s a line that is so thin they don’t even know if they’ve crossed it sometimes.

“Girls’ Generation’s leader Taeyeon is fine,” she says tonelessly. “She can still sing and dance and say the introductions and the conclusions. That’s what matters, isn’t it?”

“What matters is that you’re not fine. All the girls know it. How do you think it makes them feel to see you like this?”

Taeyeon turns her face away. She can’t bear to meet the concern in his eyes: warm, paternal concern for the Kim Taeyeon who he thinks he knows, who he thinks deserves it.

“I’m trying,” she whispers, which is true, the only worthwhile truth she can offer. “I’m trying to be better.”

Jooyoung sighs. “It’s not about being better, Taeyeon. This is—you have such a perfectionist streak that sometimes I wonder if you’re even aware of it.”

“I’m aware of it.”

It’s not like it’s a bad thing, to strive for the summit, to push herself to the limit to be the best she can be. She can’t be the best, so she has to at least be her best.

“The girls don’t need you to be perfect, Taeyeon,” Jooyoung says gently. “I don’t need you to be, nor do the fans. They just need you to be Taeyeon. And you’re not being her right now.”

“Then who am I being?”

“I can’t tell you the answer to that question. I’m not sure if anyone can. But what’s just as important as knowing who you are is knowing who you want to be, and how to get there.” He gives her a searching look. “Do you know that?”

“I—” She wets her lips. “I think so. Who do you want me to be, oppa?”

Jooyoung’s eyes are soft but tired at the same time. He doesn’t have an easy job, not at all, and she knows that she’s not making it any easier for him being this way. Here is another person she’s hurting.

“I want you to be happy,” he tells her. “Just like the fans and the rest of the girls. But I also want you to be happy because you want to be, not because we want you to be.”

He smiles and pats Taeyeon on the shoulder.

“It’s easier to be sad than it is to be happy, Taeyeon, and it’s easier to be afraid than to be brave. But I know you, and you’ve never taken the easy way out.”

And with that final word of advice, Jooyoung quietly walks out, leaving Taeyeon alone with thoughts like stars, distant and scattered and unable to be fathomed into constellations.

“Are you okay?” Yuri asks when she finds Taeyeon sitting on the couch, mindlessly staring into the distance. “Taengoo?”

“What?” Taeyeon blinks and rubs a hand across her eyes. “Oh, hi Yul.”

“Hi.”

She yawns. “I think I was half-asleep, sorry.”

“Since when do you sleep with your eyes open?”

“I don’t know. It’s better than hosting radio shows in my sleep at least.”

Yuri laughs and takes a seat beside her. “It’s an off day, you know. You can take a proper nap. Why don’t you sleep on your bed?”

“I’m fine right here.” She hasn’t been sleeping very well lately; a couch or bed, eyes open or closed, won’t make a difference.

Yuri frowns. “I’m guessing you haven’t had any luck with Jessica.”

“You would know. You’ve been with her 24/7 these days.”

“She needs me,” Yuri says simply. “She didn’t say so, but I know it. This hasn’t been easy on her either, you know.”

“I know.”

It’s not like Taeyeon thinks she’s the victim. She’s only getting what she deserves from Jessica.

“Being with Jessica all the time means that I haven’t been able to check up on you like how I wanted to.” Yuri, always the affectionate type, puts an arm around her. “I’m sorry about that.”

“It’s alright. Jessica…she’s coming back tonight, right?”

“Well, she can’t stay home forever.”

Taeyeon looks down at a small hole in one of the cushions. She thinks that they should really fix it before it gets bigger and the stuffing starts coming out and then it can’t be put back together properly again.

“I’ve been trying, Yul. I really have.”

“I know.” Yuri’s voice is gentle. “I know you’ve been trying very hard to get her to talk to you. And I know she’s been trying just as hard not to let you.”

“What?”

“Jessica doesn’t—it’s not like she likes doing this to you. She doesn’t want to hurt you. She just doesn’t want to get hurt anymore.”

“I wouldn’t—I’ve hurt her so much already, I.” Taeyeon bites her lip, not realizing how hard she’s doing it until she tastes blood. “I wouldn’t hurt her anymore. Again.”

“I know that, but can you really blame her for being afraid?”

It’s easier to be sad than it is to be happy, Taeyeon, and it’s easier to be afraid than to be brave.

“No, I can’t blame her.” Taeyeon swipes her tongue over , the wound on her lip stinging as she brushes it. Regret tastes a lot like blood, she thinks; bitter and metallic, heavy and dark in the back of your throat as you swallow it down. “I’m afraid too.”

“You said that last time too,” Yuri notes. “Are you—is this fear just about Sica, or is it something more?”

“I’m afraid of a lot of things. I’m a coward.”

“You’re not a coward, TaeTae.”

The husky voice of her best friend surprises her, but at the same time it doesn’t, because Tiffany’s voice is one of the most familiar sounds to her in the world.

“I was wondering when you’d get here,” Yuri says.

“Oh?” Tiffany’s eyes disappear into crescents in that way of hers as she smiles. “And why did you think I’d come?”

“Taengoo looked like she was sending out emotional distress signals, and I figured you two are on the same wavelength.”

“I’m not emotionally distressed,” Taeyeon complains, while Tiffany laughs, “I guess if anyone’s on the same wavelength as this dork, it would be me.”

Tiffany settles down on the other side of Taeyeon; a warm, familiar weight against her. Taeyeon wants to lean against her, but she makes herself stay still.

“You’re not a coward,” Tiffany repeats, soft but firm. “Being brave isn’t about not having fears – it’s about being able to conquer them.”

Taeyeon nods helplessly, lulled into a sense of security by Tiffany’s soothing voice, her gentle eyes, and she knows it’s just a false sense of security but she can’t help falling into it anyway.

“I miss Jessica,” Taeyeon confesses, voice quiet and hoarse.

Yuri and Tiffany exchange a look.

“She’ll be back soon,” Yuri says gently.

Jessica would be back soon, but the Jessica and Taeyeon from years ago were gone, and Taeyeon wonders if they’ll ever come back.

“Yah, Jessica Jung, did you get that face mask I asked you for?” Sunkyu calls loudly from the couch.

“What am I, your personal shopping assistant?”

Jessica drags her two large bags in, hip-checking the door to close it. She looks better, Taeyeon thinks, not as worryingly pale as before, as though the weekend at home has put some colour and life back into her.

“Is that an offer?” Sunkyu asks.

Jessica rolls her eyes. “Yes, I got that face mask for you. I knew if I didn’t, you’d probably take my ear off with your whining.”

Sunkyu whoops. “You’re the best, Sica! I would go over there and hug you, but my toenail polish is drying right now.”

“Why would I want a hug from you anyway?”

“How about a hug from me?” Yuri grins, opening her arms.

“Yuck, get away from me,” Jessica gripes, but she makes no move to push Yuri away when she pulls her into a hug, and then she laughs and tucks her face against Yuri’s shoulder.

Taeyeon swallows, watching them. She can’t even remember the last time she was in Yuri’s place, the last time she held Jessica.

“Welcome back, Jessi,” Tiffany murmurs, joining the embrace.

Jessica smiles and puts an arm around her, and she shifts to look at them, all of them. Her eyes seem to linger on Taeyeon for an extra moment, but Taeyeon can’t be sure – maybe she’s just deluding herself.

“It’s good to be home.”

Yuri grabs one of Jessica’s bags for her, with Sunkyu teasing her that she’s such a good husband, and they walk to Jessica’s room together, deep in conversation already.

Taeyeon knows she’s staring after them pathetically, but she can’t help it. She’s frozen in place with the want to talk to Jessica, to hug and be hugged by her, and the resignation that Jessica would just push her away and it would be all she deserves.

“TaeTae,” Tiffany starts, and Taeyeon can hear the pity in her voice already, can almost see it in her eyes even though she’s not looking at Tiffany.

“I’m tired,” Taeyeon says, and she’s not lying. “I’m going to go to bed.”

She trudges off to her room, feeling the weight of both Tiffany’s and Sunkyu’s concerned gazes on her, and she knows she’s in for another sleepless night.

A/N: The line "...distant and scattered and unable to be fathomed into constellations" is adapted from this line in The Fault in Our Stars by John Green - "My thoughts are stars I can't fathom into constellations."