A/N: Title of this chapter comes from Reflection from Mulan, by Lea Solanga (movie) / Christina Aguilera (promotional purposes).

“That was—something,” Taeyeon says, at the end, as they stand backstage together, naturally forming a circle the way they tend to. She thinks that it doesn’t feel right unless there are nine of them all together like this. Most people would say that seven is a lucky number, but for her, it’s always been nine. The nine of them – they’re her luck, her happiness; her everything, really, and it’s hard for her to remember the years before them, and even harder to imagine the years after them.

But then again, even if Girls’ Generation is no more, as they will be one day (it’s hard to think about, and most of the times she doesn’t, unless she fixates on the thought of plummeting, of failing, of ending, and then she can’t stop thinking about it), that doesn’t mean they will be no more.

So really, maybe there never will be a time ‘after them’, and she isn’t unhappy with that thought.

“Taengoo, always the verbose one,” Sunkyu jokes.

“I think ‘something’ is a good word,” Jessica says, “for the words we don’t know how to say.”

Taeyeon smiles at Jessica, who may not say a whole lot (banter aside), but when she does, she says things like this, things Taeyeon would have liked to say, if she knew how to.

But maybe it’s okay that she doesn’t, because there are nine of them after all, and there is always someone who knows how to fill in the blanks.

“You’re such a poet these days, unnie,” Yoona teases. “Is there a special someone inspiring all this poetry?”

Jessica blinks, her eyes slightly wide but otherwise giving away no hint of what she’s thinking. Taeyeon suddenly wonders if she has a boyfriend, like Tiffany and Yoona and Sooyoung, and the thought makes a sour taste rise up the back of .

They don’t keep a lot of secrets from each other (it’s hard to, even if they wanted to), but Jessica’s always been a private person, exceptionally so (almost as much as Taeyeon), and it wouldn’t be hard to imagine her dating someone without telling them.

“No, I’m not really looking for a boyfriend right now,” Jessica replies casually. “Maybe a bodyguard though.” She catches Taeyeon’s eye, and Taeyeon smiles, ducking her head slightly to hide it.

“A bodyguard?” Yuri asks. “You mean, like one of those dramas where the tall, strong—”

“Oh, knock it off.” Jessica elbows her in the stomach. “What’s with you and dramas anyway? I swear, ever since acting in one, it’s like you think your life is a drama now or something.”

“Because I want some romance,” Yuri whines. “I want someone to come and sweep me off my feet. Is that too much to ask?”

“If I kick you and you fall over, does that count as sweeping you off your feet?”

“Sicaaaaa.” Yuri pouts. “You’re so cruel to me. You don’t treat Taengoo like this, and you’re with her all the time now.”

Taeyeon can’t help how keenly she looks at Jessica to see her reaction, but Jessica’s face has gone blank in that way of hers again. They all put on masks, day in, day out, and they’ve learned to see through each other’s masks, but she’s never been able to crack this one.

“Careful Yul, you sound jealous,” Jessica says, her voice light but her eyes still guarded. “What are you, my girlfriend or something?”

Yuri wrinkles her nose. “If I wanted to get a girlfriend, you wouldn’t be on top of the list.”

“Who would be?” Sooyoung asks. “Let me guess, it’s me, isn’t it?”

“No,” Yoona cuts in. “I bet it’s me. YoonYul trumps SooRi any day.”

“Maybe back in the ancient days,” Sooyoung retorts. “YoonYul is so dead now.”

Taeyeon remembers when they were hesitant at best about fanservice, but here they are now, tossing around their pairing names, their ‘ships’, with no more thought to it than any of the other various topics they invoke to tease each other.

The things the industry has done to them, she thinks wryly. Or maybe the industry didn’t do this to them. Maybe they did it to themselves; maybe the industry started shaping them into the moulds they wanted and they finished the rest of the process.

Tiffany smiles and drops her arm around Yuri’s waist. “YulTi is totally on top right now, okay guys? Don’t even try.”

“Well, if we’re really talking about who’s on top,” Jessica says, matter-of-fact, “then there’s really no competition at all. TaeNy is head and shoulders above all the other ships.” She looks at Taeyeon, who just blinks, having no idea what kind of reaction she should have.

“TaeTae is just too cute for me to resist,” Tiffany says, eyes disappearing into half-moons.

Taeyeon looks at Jessica, whose expression is still carefully neutral, carefully controlled. Yoona may be the one with the most dramas out of them, but sometimes Taeyeon thinks that Tiffany and Jessica are really the best actresses. Tiffany is able to put everything on the surface so easily, so brightly, and Jessica is able to shut down so easily, so impenetrably.

“I’m cute,” Taeyeon says with a shrug, really to all of them, but her eyes find Jessica’s almost of their own volition.

Jessica nods, and something seems to lighten in her eyes, like a sliver of sunlight shining through a gap in the curtain. “You are.”

The smile comes back, and again, she drops her head, but she doesn’t think that hides it from anyone, least of all Jessica. And even though her eyes are cast downward, she can see Jessica’s answering smile.

Their schedule is incredibly full, incredibly busy, but there’s almost a comfort in the hustle of events as they perform and travel, travel and perform, give some interviews in between and try to squeeze in some sleep beyond the handful of hours they’re allocated.

Jessica’s the resident expert at it, of course. She can fall asleep anywhere and anytime, and for a while when they were trainees Taeyeon honestly thought she was narcoleptic, but an embarrassed Jessica had explained that was just how she was.

Even back then, there had been times when Taeyeon was jealous of her, her jealousy merely another product of her insecurity and her raw want to succeed, to shine above the others rather than with them.

But back then was back then, and now is now, and the eight of them aren’t ‘the others’ anymore. Back then, she divided the nine of them cleanly into ‘them’ and ‘me’, and now it’s simply ‘us’. Back then, she didn’t want to need them and now she knows she wouldn’t be able to live without them.

“It’s going to be a long ride to the airport,” Sunkyu says. “You should try to get some sleep.” She jabs her finger at Jessica, who’s asleep on Taeyeon’s other side, head lolling against the window. “Take a lesson from Sleeping Ugly over there.”

“I’m not tired,” Taeyeon says honestly, although she’s exhausted, they all are. However, there’s a difference between physical and mental exhaustion, and right now she feels almost none of the latter. It’s not a feeling she’s used to, but she won’t complain. “And Sica’s not ugly,” she adds. “Not when she’s sleeping or—or any other time.”

Sunkyu looks amused. “Okay, you can watch her sleep then, and I’ll take a nap.”

“I’m not watching her sleep,” Taeyeon protests, but Sunkyu had turned her head away and looks like she’s halfway to dreamland already. Or she’s just ignoring Taeyeon. It’s probably that. “That’s creepy. I’m not creepy.”

Jessica mumbles something in her sleep, and her head drops from the window and onto Taeyeon’s shoulder. Taeyeon tenses up involuntarily, and then she relaxes and gently tips Jessica’s head so she’s in a more comfortable position. A long strand of hair is hanging in the middle of her face, right over her nose and grazing her lips, and Taeyeon brushes it away, tucking it behind Jessica’s ear.

“Sleep well,” she whispers, and then, “I’m not creepy, really.”

She knows she should get some rest too, because she doesn’t sleep well on vehicles, not even all these years later, but she can’t fall asleep no matter how hard she tries. It’s okay though, because sitting here between Jessica and Sunkyu, hearing their quiet, even breathing, feeling the solid warmth of Jessica against her – it’s strangely restful.

She doesn’t fall asleep, but she gets her rest.

Everything seems to be going well until, without any warning at all, they go to hell.

Maybe that phrasing is not the best, but Taeyeon can’t think of another word as she watches Jessica stumble along in their manager’s arms, more supported by him than her own legs, her hair a tumbled veil over her pallid face.

She can still hear Yoona and Yuri crying, and she vaguely thinks that she would probably be in tears too if she could process it all, if she could do anything except watch Jessica being half-carried away, looking like she might fall over any moment now.

The next thing Taeyeon knows, someone has a firm grip on her elbow and is shaking her. “Unnie,” she hears a gentle but insistent voice. Juhyun, that little voice in her mind, the one that isn’t crying out for Jessica, reminds her. Juhyun. “Unnie, please, we have to go.”

“Go,” Taeyeon echoes faintly. “Go where?”

Her vision comes into focus, is no longer centered on Jessica, even though Jessica isn’t even there anymore, hasn’t been for a while. Juhyun is staring at her, face almost as white as Jessica’s had been, eyes huge and dark and worried.

“Onto the plane,” Juhyun says. “Come on, unnie.”

Taeyeon nods, still numb, and she follows Juhyun mechanically as they cut through the fans still milling about in the airport, frantic and excited and yelling things at them that she doesn’t hear in the slightest.

She feels like her eyes are burning, but when she touches them, they aren’t wet. She almost wants to cry, but she can’t. She’s struck by an urge to see the look on her face, but she doesn’t think she could bear to meet her reflection right now. She doesn’t know what she’d see in it, desperation or fear or what.

Instead, she keeps her arm raised above her face, covering her eyes, covering her expression, not just from the fans but from Juhyun and from herself.

A/N: Obviously, this is based on the airport incident and I think the last scene actually adheres well to canon. Taeyeon's reaction at the end is based on this video.