A/N: Many thanks to GeeShizzle for the amazing beta! You rock, chica.

“This is really good, unnie,” Yoona says through a mouthful of japchae, her speech somehow still clear and comprehensible. It’s one of those things that Taeyeon simply files away under It’s Yoona. She has something like a library of such notions for all her girls.

“Don’t talk with your mouth full,” Jessica chides.

Yoona chews and swallows, sticking out her tongue. “Yes, Mom.”

“It’s great, Taengoo,” Hyoyeon says, and the other girls nod in agreement.

Taeyeon smiles as she takes a sip of water. “Jessica helped me make this.”

Sooyoung gasps. “And it’s still edible?”

Jessica scowls. “Next time I’ll put a special ingredient into yours.”

Taeyeon has to suppress a laugh. “Sica, we can’t poison our members.”

“I wasn’t going to poison her.” Jessica looks entirely too innocent to be convincing. She gestures to her face, pointing to the corner of . “You have a bit of noodle there.”

Taeyeon tries to wipe it away, but her fingers don’t come away with anything. “Where?”

“More to the right,” Jessica says, but she still can’t get it. Jessica leans over the table and sweeps her thumb over Taeyeon’s bottom lip, her touch lingering for a moment. When she sits back down, she does it heavily enough for her chair to scrape over the floor.

Taeyeon swallows. Jessica’s eyes are still on . “Thanks,” she says, her voice coming out rather hoarse.

Sunkyu clears . “We should really go grocery shopping soon. The fridge is looking pretty empty.”

“I need juice,” Sooyoung declares. “Juice is my life.”

“Can you not drink your life right out of the carton?” Hyoyeon asks.

Jessica wrinkles her nose. “I thought you stopped doing that.”

Sooyoung doesn’t look the slightest bit abashed. “Oh come on, you do it too.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Yes, you do.”

“No, I—”

“How old are you two?” Yuri groans. “How many rounds of that are you going to do?”

“Come on, Taengoo,” Sooyoung says. “Restrain your woman.”

The tips of Jessica’s ears turn pink. Taeyeon clears . What is she supposed to say? ‘Jessica’s not my woman’? But that’s not true – Jessica is, Jessica’s hers. Is that too possessive of a thought? She doesn’t feel possessive about it, she just feels . . . natural. Jessica is hers, and she is Jessica’s. Isn’t that how a relationship is supposed to work?

“I can cook just fine,” Jessica says sullenly. “You liked my fried rice last time.”

“You mean, Yuri’s fried rice?” Sooyoung says wryly. “She told me all you did was put the ingredients into the pan.”

Jessica gives Yuri a betrayed look, and Yuri smiles nervously back. “You did a really good job putting the ingredients into the pan,” she offers like some grand compliment.

Jessica crosses her arms over her chest and slouches in her chair, clearly sulking. Taeyeon can’t help smiling at the sight – she’s just too cute.

“I think your cooking has come a long way, Jessi,” Tiffany says soothingly. “I liked the grilled cheese you made me last week.”

She turns her pout on Tiffany. “You didn’t finish it.”

“I was, uh, pretty full.” Tiffany is clearly grasping at straws now. “I’ll definitely finish it next time.”

“Who said there’ll be a next time?”

Tiffany looks at Taeyeon rather helplessly, like she doesn’t know what to do with an agitated Jessica, which is ridiculous really, because she’s never had any problems before. In fact, she’s always been much better at comforting the other girls (or people in general) than Taeyeon. But then again, things are different now. Jessica is Taeyeon’s girlfriend now.

The word is a little—strange to think about, to apply to her personal life. She’s never had a girlfriend, really, only casual flings with no expectations, no commitments, no strings attached. She doesn’t do relationships. Or, correction, she didn’t do relationships. Until now. Until Jessica.

“You’ve never made me grilled cheese,” Taeyeon says.

Jessica looks surprised. “You don’t like Western food.”

“I like hamburgers.” Taeyeon can see Juhyun’s disapproving expression out of the corner of her eye, and she has to stifle a smile. “Especially cheeseburgers.”

“You never make me food either.” Jessica’s pout makes a comeback.

Taeyeon can make a decent amount of dishes, but she’s not nearly as good at cooking as Hyoyeon and Yuri. She’s about to point that out, but she sees a glint of something else in Jessica’s eyes. Her voice softens involuntarily. “I didn’t know you wanted me to.”

“I want you to,” Jessica says quietly.

“Okay. I’ll cook for you more from now on.” Taeyeon flexes her hand, her fingers feeling strangely restless. Jessica reaches across the table and puts her hand on top of Taeyeon’s, not squeezing or lacing their fingers together, just resting, just touching. Their gazes lock together; Taeyeon feels like Jessica’s looking for something in her eyes, but she has no idea what it is. Maybe Jessica finds it because she smiles and withdraws her hand, having another bite of japchae, her tongue chasing a sesame seed from the edge of her lips. This time, Taeyeon is the one who stares at .

“I think I’ll skip dessert,” Sooyoung says. “I’m getting diabetes already.”

“Unnie,” Juhyun says, somewhat admonishingly.

“Special ingredient,” Jessica promises, a steely edge in her voice. Sooyoung looks just the slightest bit daunted.

Taeyeon shakes her head, smiling, and returns to her japchae. She’s always mentally thought about it as ‘Mom’s Japchae’. Now she thinks that maybe she’ll remember it as a recipe for smiles.

She says goodbye to her mom and wishes her an early merry Christmas before she hangs up, holding onto her phone for close to a minute before she returns it to her bedside table. There was a part of her that considered telling her mom about Jessica, but another part of her – careful, discrete, borne out of years of being an idol surrounded by mistrust and deceit – squashed the idea before it was even fully formed.

Her parents have asked about her relationships, or rather lack thereof, and she always told them that as an idol, it just wasn’t easy or practical to date. That reason – excuse – worked for the earlier years, but now that they’re secure in their fame, secure at the top, she’s sure that her parents are wondering why she’s still never dated.

There’s a part of her that imagines, before she can stop herself, bringing Jessica home, introducing her to her parents as her girlfriend, walking around Jeonju with her, adding an edge of novelty to the familiar sights. They could eat the best bibimbap in the country, visit the temples together, explore the Hanok Village, enjoy the festivals . . .

She almost laughs at herself. Like they could do that anytime soon. Even if they could clear time from their schedules, they would never be able to evade the fans. It wouldn’t be headline news if she was seen alone with Jessica in her hometown, but it wouldn’t be easy to explain either. She and Jessica aren’t exactly known to be close.

Her parents adore all the girls and they’ve told her that it’s like having eight extra daughters. She had asked them, only half-jokingly, how they could manage ten daughters when they already complain about her and Hayeon being too much to handle. She still remembers what they told her:

“Love isn’t a burden, Taeyeon. It isn’t a load that gets heavier as you feel more of it. Love makes you lighter, not heavier.”

Does it make you lighter, she wonders, as she lies down on her bed. Hasn’t it made her heavier plenty of times, she wonders, as she turns to the left, and then the right. Not all weights are burdens, she reasons, as she closes her eyes and thinks about them and how much she loves them.

The door of Tiffany’s room is ajar, a crack of light spilling from the doorway, especially bright against the long, dark stretch of the hallway. Taeyeon hesitates at the threshold, scuffing her slipper across the floor. It’s late, and she should be sleeping, but . . .

She pushes the door open. Tiffany is sitting on her bed in her pink pyjamas, occupied with her phone. She looks up and smiles when she sees Taeyeon.

“Your door wasn’t closed,” Taeyeon says by way of greeting.

Tiffany pats the spot on the bed next to her. “I know. I didn’t close it.”

“You should be sleeping.”

Tiffany raises her eyebrows. “So should you.”

Taeyeon cracks a smile. “Touché.” She takes a seat on Tiffany’s bed and tries to collect her thoughts.

“Is something wrong, TaeTae?” Tiffany asks, breaking the silence between them. There’s concern in her voice, and when Taeyeon turns to look at her, she sees it in her face too.

“Yes,” she says frankly.

Tiffany’s forehead furrows. “What is it? Did something happen with Jessi?”

“It’s not about me and Jessica. It’s about—” Taeyeon’s voice catches in for a moment. “Yuri told me you were having problems with the choreography.”

Tiffany’s expression is unreadable. She’s stopped frowning, so her face isn’t lined anymore, but she doesn’t look any more relaxed. “I’m not the best dancer in the group,” she says offhandedly. “We all know that.”

Taeyeon is an expert at deflection, but she doesn’t have any patience with it right now. “I thought you talked to her.”

Tiffany’s eyes return to her phone. “Talked to her about what?”

Taeyeon puts her hand on Tiffany’s phone, covering the screen. Tiffany looks at her.

“Tiffany,” she sighs. “Don’t play dumb with me.”

Tiffany’s eyes are inscrutable. “Yuri is—she means a lot to me.”

“All the more reason to tell her, then.”

“I think you have the wrong idea about us.”

“Then what is the right idea?”

Tiffany’s lips flatten. “I don’t know why you seem to think I have all the answers, Taeyeon. I don’t know everything, especially not about this.”

Taeyeon swallows the beginning of a sigh. “I want you to be happy.”

Tiffany’s mouth curves up just a little at the corners. “You know, whenever I told you that, you always seemed so tired by it.”

“It can be tiring trying to be happy.”

“But you’re not trying now. You just are. Happy.”

“Yeah, and I—”

“You want that for me too,” Tiffany finishes. “You want me to be happy, like you are with Jessi.”

“Yes,” Taeyeon says softly. “I do.”

“But I’m not you, TaeTae, and Yuri isn’t Jessica.” Tiffany looks tired. Weighed down. Sad. “It doesn’t work like that.”

“If you don’t feel anything for her, then just tell her. It’s not fair to her, you know, leading her on like this.”

Tiffany’s expression is pained. “I’m not leading her on.”

“You’re not trying to lead her on.”

“Did you think that I led you on?”

Taeyeon in a breath. She may not have feelings for Tiffany anymore, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to talk about this with her. “I never thought that you had feelings for me.” She blinks; her lashes feel heavy, tugging her eyelids down. “I never really thought that we could be together. I mean, I imagined it, but . . . I don’t know.”

“Did you ever think about why you had feelings for me?” Tiffany asks quietly.

“Why?” Taeyeon repeats.

“Yes. Why?”

“Do you want me to tell you a list of your virtues or something? Because I could, but—” She breaks off at the look on Tiffany’s face. There’s conflict written all over her features, like she’s fighting some internal battle.

“I don’t know what to do,” Tiffany finally says. “Oppa is really good to me. I knew he liked me for a long time. Everyone kept telling me that we would make a great couple and I thought we would too.”

“But you don’t?”

“We have fun together. I like being with him and spending time with him. It’s just not . . . what I expected.”

“That doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing,” Taeyeon says, frowning. “Not everything has to be like your expectations. And if it’s not, that doesn’t mean it’s bad or wrong.”

“I know.” Tiffany exhales. “I’m not sure how to—I’ve thought about this for so long, Taeyeon, you have no idea. You know how you told me to go after what I want? The problem is that I’m not sure what that is.”

“You don’t know what you want?” Tiffany has always seemed to have her life sorted out. She knew what she wanted, and she worked hard to achieve it. Or at least, that’s what Taeyeon always thought. When she was unsure, doubtful, drifting, she could count on Tiffany to ground her. To guide her.

Now she feels like it’s the other way around, but she doesn’t know how to help Tiffany. What a great best friend she is.

Tiffany bows her head, dark hair falling over her face. “I didn’t mean to lead Yuri on,” she says in a small voice. “I didn’t mean to lead anyone on.”

Taeyeon’s stomach clenches. “I know, Fany,” she says softly. “I know you didn’t. I know you wouldn’t.”

“I don’t want to play with her feelings.” Tiffany’s voice is even quieter now, and Taeyeon has to strain to hear her. “I just—I don’t know what to do.”

“You don’t know what you want,” Taeyeon says slowly, “but don’t you know how you feel?”

Tiffany raises her head and meets Taeyeon’s eyes. “I know how I want to feel. Sometimes I think I’m mistaking it with how I actually feel.”

Taeyeon has no idea what to say. “Fany . . . ”

“When I’m practicing Ma Boy alone, I can do the dance just fine. But when I’m with her . . . ” Tiffany shakes her head. “I can’t think about the choreography. I can only think about her.”

Taeyeon thinks about what Sunkyu told her, about making things more complicated than they really are, and what Tiffany said just now. She wonders if Tiffany also does things in reverse – if she tries not to feel what she’s feeling, and if it’s working. If she even knows that she’s doing it.

“It’s getting late,” Tiffany suddenly says. “We should go to sleep.”

“I’m glad you talked to me,” Taeyeon says, rather awkwardly. Tiffany is always the one to tell her this. “You can always talk to me, you know.”

Tiffany smiles. “I know.”

“It’s okay to be confused, Fany.”

Tiffany doesn’t say anything, but there is a sea of words in her eyes, and she looks like she might drown in them.

“I know,” she finally says, but she doesn’t sound like she believes it.

When Taeyeon first walked through the company building, it felt enormous and impossible to navigate to her, like a labyrinth where every turn took her some place she wasn’t ready for. Now she can find her way around with her eyes closed, but her steps still feel heavy as she makes a turn toward the practice rooms.

She runs into a group of female trainees, some of whom look vaguely familiar to her. They bow to her, spines almost parallel to the ground, eyes shining and voices trembling. She smiles at them and says something polite and perfunctory before continuing on her way. She knows that the company is planning to debut a new girl group within the next year, and she wonders if any of the girls she just saw will be a part of it. Maybe she should have given them some advice, told them that they should treasure their time as trainees, because even if all they feel is nervousness and anticipation and insecurity, even if all they can think about is will I make the cut, will I last, will I debut will I debut will I debut—

Even if all that, she’s sure they’ll miss this time once they actually become idols. Once you step onto the stage for the first time, that’s it. There are many things to look forward to, of course, but there are just as many, if not more, things to look back on. Things that won’t be there anymore once you turn your head.

She’s not sure why she’s feeling so nostalgic. Then again, she’s always been someone who dwells a lot on the past; too much, really. You’re supposed to learn from the past, not live in it. Well, she thinks that she’s made some headway when it comes to that, lately. She’s not looking back so much anymore, not when there are better things to look at.

“Taeyeon.” Without realizing it, her feet had carried her to the room that she was looking for. And the person who she was looking for, the person who she wants to see the most, is calling her name.

She looks at Jessica, at her sloppy ponytail and practice clothes and concerned expression, and she thinks that she wants Jessica to hold her. She wants Jessica to kiss her. She wants Jessica.

“Taeyeon,” Jessica says again, opening her arms. Taeyeon practically stumbles into them, and they wrap tightly around her, pulling her right against Jessica. Taeyeon vaguely registers that the door is open and anyone passing by can see them, but she can’t bring herself to care right now. It’s hard to think about the outside world when she’s in the haven of Jessica’s embrace.

“What’s wrong?” Jessica murmurs, brushing her bangs away from her face.

“Nothing,” she says, fairly honestly. “I wanted to see you.” Jessica is very sweaty – she must have been practicing for a while – but it doesn’t make Taeyeon want to move away from her. She’s not sure what would.

Jessica smiles, tilting her head to the side. “Were you trying to spy on me?” Her voice is very light. “Check on my routine?”

“I wanted to see you,” Taeyeon repeats.

Jessica’s face softens. She lifts her hand and reaches toward Taeyeon, who finds herself leaning into the promise of her touch, but there’s a sound behind them and Jessica drops her arm. She frowns, looking past Taeyeon. “Just people passing by,” she says, walking away to close the door before returning to Taeyeon’s side.

“Are you done practicing?” Taeyeon asks, sinking cross-legged onto the ground.

Jessica takes a long gulp from an almost empty bottle of water. “Just about.”

“I didn’t mean to interrupt you.”

“You’re a welcome interruption,” Jessica tells her, mirroring her position, their knees touching.

Taeyeon glances at Jessica’s water bottle, feeling thirsty all of a sudden, and Jessica hands it to her without a word. She drinks, stopping on the verge of draining the bottle. After replacing the cap, she runs her thumb along the rim of it, thinking, deliberating. Jessica’s eyes are on her, but she doesn’t push Taeyeon, clearly waiting for her to take the initiative.

“I wanted to talk to you about something,” Taeyeon says. “Someone.”

“About Tiffany?”

Taeyeon nods. She had thought about approaching Sunkyu about it first, but . . . she wanted to see Jessica. She wants to be with Jessica. They’ve been spending a lot of time together, but it’s still not enough for her.

“I’m worried about her. I had a talk with her last night.”

Jessica’s expression is—careful, like she’s trying not to give anything away. “What did you talk about?”

“Yuri.”

Jessica doesn’t look surprised. “And what did she say?”

“She said—” Taeyeon hesitates. After her, Tiffany is the closest to Sunkyu and Jessica, but that doesn’t mean Tiffany would be okay with her sharing the content of their conversation. After all, she trusts Tiffany to keep what they talk about between them.

“Okay, you don’t have to tell me,” Jessica says, like she understands Taeyeon’s dilemma. “I’ve been trying to talk to Yul about this, but she’s not giving anything away. If I didn’t know better, I would think she doesn’t have any feelings about Fany at all.”

Taeyeon idly shifts the bottle in her hand. “Do you think we’re prying too much?”

Jessica frowns. “I think we’re trying to be good friends, but good intentions – what was that saying again? Something about hell?”

“The road to hell is paved with good intentions,” Taeyeon recites automatically.

Jessica nods gravely. “Yeah, that.”

“Fany told me that,” Taeyeon says, “when we were talking about . . . ”

“Me?” Jessica supplies.

Taeyeon’s bangs are really proving to be a nuisance. She looks through them at Jessica. “She told me not to play with your feelings.”

Jessica nods slowly, too many things in her eyes for Taeyeon to pick out.

“I haven’t,” Taeyeon says. “I’ve never done that. I wouldn’t do that.”

“I know, Taeyeon,” Jessica says gently. “I know.”

Taeyeon looks at her. Her face is sweaty, and her hair is a mess, and her clothes are rumpled, and she looks so, so beautiful. Taeyeon doesn’t want to stop looking at her.

“I look like a mess,” Jessica suddenly says, breaking eye contact with a nervous laugh. “I probably smell gross too.”

“You smell fine.”

You look great, Taeyeon wants to tell her. You don’t need make-up or nice clothes. You just need to be you.

Jessica undoes her ponytail, her hair spilling over her shoulders. She absently combs her fingers through the long strands, her eyes dark and thoughtful. “Do you know what the problem with Fany is?”

“She likes pink too much?” Taeyeon suggests. “She’s too loud?”

Jessica gives a small smile. “She always wants to be strong. She refuses to show weakness in front of anybody, even us.” Her smile dissolves into a frown. “Especially us.”

Taeyeon couldn’t agree more.

“She’s so happy all the time,” Jessica continues. “I don’t think it’s fake, but I can’t tell if it’s real either.”

Taeyeon has always felt like there’s a part of Tiffany Jessica understands that nobody else does. She especially felt this way during their earlier years, when Jessica and Tiffany would talk in English and go out for Western food and had their own little American clique, just the two of them. It’s not just that they were born and raised in California; it’s that Jessica would say something awkward that Tiffany would interpret without even trying, or Tiffany’s smile would falter and Jessica always knew how to cheer her up.

It’s not like Taeyeon’s jealousy was completely unfounded. It’s the way that she dealt with it that was inexcusable.

“I think I overestimate her,” Taeyeon admits. “She always seems to have such a clear head about everything. I’ve always trusted her to know what to do.”

“I think we all do,” Jessica says. “She’s our Manager Hwang, right?” The corners of her eyes tighten. “That’s probably why she won’t let herself be vulnerable around us. Because we forget that she is.”

Taeyeon exhales. “She’s always been there for me. I want to be there for her, but . . . ”

“You don’t know where to go?”

Taeyeon closes her eyes, fighting back another sigh. “Yeah.” She opens her eyes sharply, a thought striking her. “She’s my best friend. You know that—”

“I want to be there for her too,” Jessica says. “I love her too, you know.”

Of course Taeyeon knows how much Jessica cares about Tiffany, how much she cares about all of them. There is a lot more that binds them together than a contract and a label.

“I know.”

“I think,” Jessica starts delicately, “Tiffany needs to figure out what she wants. It’s not something we can figure out for her. We can try to help her, but it’s something she needs to do herself.”

“Yeah.” Taeyeon knows that, but still, she wishes that there’s more she could do.

Jessica looks at her with clear, steady eyes. “You can be vulnerable with us too, you know. You don’t have to bear everything yourself.”

“I’m not,” Taeyeon starts to protest, but something in Jessica’s eyes silences her.

“I know you want to be alone a lot, but you’re not. You have us, and—” Jessica bites her lip, “—you have me.”

Taeyeon feels like someone is squeezing her windpipe; she can’t get a single word out. In lieu of speech, she reaches out her hand, and Jessica takes it, holding it firmly, tightly, in her own.

“You have me,” Jessica repeats.

Taeyeon feels like there’s something warm and vast in her chest, something both heavy and light. She nods and pulls Jessica toward her, burying her face into the crook of Jessica’s neck, feeling Jessica’s arms come around her. She’s surrounded by the scent of Jessica’s shampoo, the curtain of her hair, the circle of her arms, and she thinks about the dangers and safety of vulnerability, about her group, her family, her girls, especially the one holding her, and she feels both complete and undone.

A/N: Marchen Fantasy next chapter! I'm assigning homework: brush up on the TaengSic moments, if they're fuzzy in your memory :P Feel free to share links with me.