“Oh, that’s a good drama,” Jessica says as she passes by the couch, where Taeyeon’s sitting, not really processing whatever’s playing on the TV.

“Is it?” Taeyeon asks absentmindedly.

“Yeah. Are you even watching it?”

“No,” Taeyeon admits, straightening up and stretching her legs. “I think I was zoning out.”

“Are you taking over my department?”

Taeyeon thinks wryly that although zoning out is one of Jessica’s specialties, she can probably give her a run for her money at it these days. She’s not even sure why she spaces out as much as she does; it’s not like she daydreams, or thinks long and hard about something. She just…dissociates, almost. Like her mind wants to take a break in the way that her body’s hardly ever allowed to.

Maybe that’s why she’s doing it. Because the exhaustion, the years and years of it, is catching up on her and taking a toll that she’s not sure she can keep on giving.

“I wasn’t aware you owned the department of zoning out.”

“Well, I do,” Jessica says crisply. “It has my name written all over the walls and everything.”

Taeyeon laughs, quiet and low in . “I haven’t seen that. Must be my bad eyes.”

“Are they still bad?”

She hesitates. “I think—my vision is getting better.”

Jessica smiles. “That’s nice to hear.” She glances down at her watch. “I have to meet up with my trainer now. See you later.”

Taeyeon wonders how she has time to see a trainer with how hectic and busy their schedules are, but then again, despites Jessica’s laziness, she definitely isn’t lazy when it comes to something she really cares about.

Like them, for instance. Jessica isn’t lazy when it comes to Girls’ Generation, even if she stresses about the importance about not running and whines about air conditioning every other day in the summer.

“You don’t need to work out anymore, you know,” Taeyeon says, when she really means that she knows Jessica sees her trainer to lose weight, but she’s already too thin and Taeyeon doesn’t think she can afford to lose any more.

Jessica shrugs. “Sometimes a workout is just nice. It clears my mind.”

Taeyeon nods. She can understand that. Sometimes pushing your body to the limits and beyond them, until everything passes pain into numbness, is just what they need. Because exhaustion may not be a great feeling, but it’s better than misery, isn’t it? It’s better than bitterness, better than longing, and sometimes that’s all they can ask for.

Happiness isn’t an easy goal, so lack of sadness will have to do.

“You really do zone out a lot,” Jessica remarks, sounding amused and just a little worried. They worry about her a lot, and it touches her, it does, but it also burdens her. She wonders why they don’t seem to worry as intensely, as endlessly, for each other as they do for her, like there’s so much more to worry about when it comes to her.

Sure, she’s not the cheeriest person around, she doesn’t talk as freely and openly as most of them do, but she doesn’t think there’s a reason for that constant, heavy worry in their voices and eyes.

“Maybe my head is a better place sometimes. I mean, not a better place than the dorm, but—” Taeyeon exhales. “You know what I mean, right?”

“Your head is an interesting place, that’s for sure,” Jessica says, somehow flippant and thoughtful at the same time. “I really do wonder what’s going on in there sometimes.”

“Yeah, I do too.”

Jessica bites her lip, like she’s stifling a smile – or a frown. “I really do have to go now,” she says, dragging a hand through her hair. “Just make sure you don’t space out if you go somewhere and get kidnapped, okay?”

“Would you miss me if I got kidnapped?” Taeyeon asks impulsively.

Jessica’s face is impassive, unreadable, but then she smiles a little, the smile not touching her eyes. “Of course I’d miss you. What would we do without our leader?”

It’s a rhetorical question, but it seems to hang, heavy and looming, in the air, waiting for an answer.

“Yeah,” Taeyeon says, her chest feeling a bit tighter for some reason. “What would you do.”

“Unnie, you don’t look so well,” Juhyun says with concern. (It’s still at concern, not worry yet, but it’s getting there.) “Is everything okay?”

“Why does everyone ask me that,” Taeyeon says lightly, trying to aim for joking but missing the target. “Does everything seem not okay with me or something?”

“It’s not that,” Juhyun says delicately. “It’s just – we’re worried about you, unnie.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard.” They’ve told her that so many times she almost feels like she’s listening to a recording at those familiar words, although thinking about it like that isn’t fair to them. They ask because they care, and they care because they love her.

She loves them too, and she doesn’t want them to worry about her, but if making that happen means not giving them anything to worry about, then she doesn’t think she can do it.

“I’m sorry,” Juhyun says, startling Taeyeon. “I know you don’t like hearing that.”

“I know you’re worried about me. I don’t want you to be, but.” Taeyeon shrugs, rather helplessly. “I don’t think my life is a complete mess or anything, so I don’t see why there’s so much to worry about.”

“It’s not that there’s a lot to worry about.” Juhyun pauses. “It’s just – you don’t like talking to us about your problems, so sometimes we assume the worst. It’s not very fair of us, I know, but…”

“It’s not very fair of me either,” Taeyeon finishes, “to not talk to you in the first place.”

Juhyun looks rather contrite at having pointed out the obvious, and it makes Taeyeon feel a warm burst of affection for the maknae, who is often more mature than all of them.

“I’m not really the talking type,” Taeyeon says, even though she knows Juhyun is perfectly aware of that, they’re all perfectly aware of that. She still says it anyway, because she wants Juhyun to know it’s not that she doesn’t want to talk to them, it’s that she doesn’t want to talk, and there’s a difference between the two, there really is. “I know it’s hypocritical of me to tell you guys to share your feelings and then keep all mine bottled up, but—I just want the best for us, you know? That’s all I want.”

“I know, unnie,” Juhyun says softly. “We all know that.”

“Good.” Taeyeon swallows thickly and looks away, finding it hard to meet Juhyun’s gentle gaze.

“It’s alright if you can’t say what you’re feeling, unnie,” Juhyun adds, and Taeyeon feels that warm affection again, because Juhyun knows her so well, knows to use can’t instead of don’t want to. “We’re all in this together, right? That’s what you told us. We’re all in this together, and we know each other, and we’ll take care of each other.”

Taeyeon smiles, feeling so grateful for Juhyun, for a dongsaeng so understanding and caring and perceptive. So—Juhyun. She feels like their names are all distinct entries in her personal dictionary, all something significant and unique in her vocabulary that other words simply can’t substitute.

“Right.” She looks into Juhyun’s eyes this time, and Juhyun gives her a smile that only holds reassurances and no expectations, and she draws in a deep breath and then lets it out, long and cleansing.

Her chest doesn’t feel tight anymore.

“Taeyeon?”

She blinks blearily, waking up to someone insistently shaking her shoulder and calling her name, and she realizes that she had fallen asleep in the van. It’s not an uncommon occurrence, given how little they sleep and how they’ve learned to take advantage of every idle moment to catch up on it, but such a deep and sound sleep is.

“It’s time to get off,” Sunkyu, the one shaking her, says. “Don’t worry, you can sleep some more on the makeup chair.”

Taeyeon gives a sleepy grunt, rubbing her eyes, which aren’t open all the way because her eyelids feel too heavy.

“Here.” A water bottle is pressed into her hands. “Come on, we need to get going.”

“Thanks,” she croaks, “Sica.”

Jessica’s eyes soften. “First the zoning out, and now the sleeping. You’re really taking over my specialties, huh?”

“They’re such enjoyable specialties.” Taeyeon thinks about taking over, about replacing, and then about her fears before, her jealousy and resentment regarding Jessica, and she feels so small and ashamed she almost drops her head and curls in on herself.

“I know, right?” Jessica reaches out, taking Sunkyu’s wrist in one hand and Taeyeon’s in the other as she starts walking faster. “You two walk so slowly, geez. I mean, I know your legs are short, but—”

“Hey, you’re the one whose motto is to never run no matter how late you are,” Sunkyu shoots back.

“This isn’t running; this is walking slightly faster so manager oppa won’t take our ears off when we finally show up a thousand years later.”

“We’d be dead a thousand years later.”

“We’d sure be dead if we walked at your speed.”

“You guys are giving me a headache,” Taeyeon complains, putting a hand to her temple. They’re not, really. In fact, there’s something nice, something familiar and comforting, to hear them quipping at each other, but it’s almost a force of habit for her to say that in such a situation.

Sunkyu gives her a miffed look. “So what, you and Sica can laugh like maniacs together but we can’t talk?”

“We weren’t laughing like maniacs,” Taeyeon protests.

Jessica raises an eyebrow. “You would know about being a maniac, wouldn’t you?”

“Sicaaaaa,” Sunkyu whines. “I thought your ice melted already. You’re making me shiver here.”

“It’s wintertime,” Jessica deadpans. “Get used to it.” She pushes open the door and they walk into the styling room, where the other girls are already getting their hair and makeup done.

“There you are.” Sooyoung rolls her eyes. “Did it take you guys that long to wake up Taengoo? Is she turning into Jessica or something?”

Jessica snorts. “You could have stayed behind and helped, you know. What are you complaining about?”

“I think I deserve a break from waking people up after all those years with you,” Sooyoung sniffs. “You should go sit down and get your makeup put on. Look at you. If you went on stage like this, the fans would cry.”

Taeyeon can see a vein pulse in Jessica’s forehead. “Yah, Choi Sooyoung—”

“Come on, don’t take it so seriously.” Taeyeon puts a hand on Jessica’s arm. “You don’t need make-up to be pretty. It is my fault for being hard to wake up.” She looks at Sunkyu too as she says, “Sorry,” but in her peripheral version, she can see that Jessica’s face has gone oddly blank.

“It’s okay,” Sunkyu says amicably. “I guess that’s what best friends are for, right?”

“Yeah,” Jessica says, suddenly looking like she’s the one who woke up from a nap, a bright look of refreshment (is that what it is?) in her eyes. “Not that Yuri ever woke me up.”

“Nobody can wake you up,” Yuri says. “I’m pretty sure you could sleep through an earthquake. Or World War 3.”

Suddenly Taeyeon realizes that her hand is still on Jessica’s arm, and she moves it away. Jessica’s eyes follow the movement of her hand, and on an impulse, she pats the small of Jessica’s back, a hollow that her palm fits perfectly against.

“Or being kidnapped,” Taeyeon adds quietly. “I’m sure someone could carry you away and you wouldn’t even notice.”

Jessica’s mouth quirks up. “Maybe I should look for a bodyguard then. Do you know any?”

“No, but I’ll get back to you if I find someone.”

Jessica smiles, eyes crinkling, no teeth and all sweet, effortless brightness. Taeyeon’s mouth goes dry.

“It’s a deal.”

On another whim, Taeyeon sticks out her pinky, and Jessica reaches out her hand with no hesitance and curls her pinky around Taeyeon’s, sealing their promise.