A/N:The title comes from the quote "Let my soul smile through my heart and my heart smile through my eyes, that I may scatter rich smiles in sad hearts" by Paramahansa Yogananda.

Taeyeon loves her country, of course she does, and Korea loves them back. She can’t count the number of times they’ve been called the nation’s girl group (and at the beginning, she did keep track, maybe out of egocentricity or just a desire to be known and loved; maybe the two are closer than she’s comfortable with), and she knows how popular they are. They all know.

Being at the top is amazing, it’s thrilling, it’s dizzying. It’s terrifying, it’s tiring, it’s burdening. Above all, it’s burdening. After all, there’s no place you can go but down. It’s a lonely place at the top, a place filled with envy and resentment, but this is what they fight for, this is what they sweat and cry and drag themselves out of bed after three hours of sleep for.

“Is it worth it?” she asks Tiffany one day, unsure why she’s asking this question now but unable to hold it back. “All—this. Do you think it’s worth it?”

Tiffany gives her a careful, assessing look. Taeyeon meets her gaze for a moment and then looks away, before the worry inevitably comes into Tiffany’s eyes. It always does.

“I asked myself that question so many times,” Tiffany says. “I think we all did, especially in the earlier years.”

“What did you come up with?”

Tiffany smiles, and Taeyeon absently thinks that Tiffany’s smile hasn’t changed in all these years and yet it’s not the same as Stephanie Hwang’s smile. That doesn’t make sense, but maybe when it comes to best friends, when it comes to them, things don’t have to make sense all the time, they just are.

“I think,” Tiffany starts, “that given how we can’t change anything—”

“Just because we can’t change anything doesn’t mean it’s pointless to wonder,” Taeyeon cuts in, even though she knows that wondering is pointless, it’s futile, it can’t change anything. “I just…” She bites her lip. “I want to know. If you think it’s worth it.”

Tiffany’s eyes are soft. “I think what matters is if you think it’s worth it.”

“Why are you avoiding the question?”

Tiffany smiles a little, but it just makes her look sadder instead of happier. “I think…it’s worth it.” She shrugs, a rather sharp motion. “But this is what I wanted, you know. It’s what I’ve wanted for a very long time.”

“It’s what I wanted too,” Taeyeon says, her voice more defensive than she intended.

“I know that.” Tiffany’s voice is gentle. “It’s not a competition about who cares more. I know how much you care about us. We all know.”

Taeyeon swallows and nods. I do care, she means to say. I care so much that it scares me sometimes, she wants to say. But she doesn’t, partly because she can’t get the words out, and partly because she thinks Tiffany knows anyway.

Tiffany puts her hand on Taeyeon’s arm, her eyes searching but soft. “You can talk to me, you know. About anything.”

“I know.” Of course she knows. “I just—” She struggles, fumbling for words. There’s no point in saying something like I don’t like to talk about my feelings or I prefer to keep things inside, because Tiffany knows that, they all know that. But she also wants Tiffany to know that if she wants to talk to someone, Tiffany would be first on the list. That’s never been a question.

“It’s okay.” Tiffany smiles again. “I know.”

“Okay,” Taeyeon says quietly. She’s sure that Tiffany really does.

“Hey.” Jessica catches Taeyeon right before they’re set to perform. “Let’s do well, yeah?”

Taeyeon smiles. Little moments like these have become more and more common between them. She can’t say that it’s like their fight never happened, because it’s not something that she would try to forget even if she could, but she feels like it’s brought them closer. She feels like the Jessica and Taeyeon from the past aren’t as far as she thought they were. Maybe they can’t go back to that, they can’t return to the past, but they can have another beginning, and this time she won’t make the same mistakes again.

“Yeah,” Taeyeon says softly. “Let’s do even better than last time.”

Jessica’s forehead is furrowed as she adjusts the bow in her hair, evidently trying to fix her braid, which is getting loose, but all she succeeds in doing is creating some kind of strange cowlick at the side of her head.

“Do you need some help?” Hyoyeon asks wryly.

“No, I’m fine.” Jessica’s expression is somewhere between a pout and a glower. It’s one of her trademarks, really, and nobody pulls it off like her. “I can take care of my own hair, okay?”

Hyoyeon raises an eyebrow. “Okaaaaay.” She draws the sound out and looks at Jessica for a bit longer, clearly holding back a smile, and then Yuri calls her away to demonstrate some dance move.

Taeyeon touches the ribbon in Jessica’s hair lightly. “That doesn’t really look like ‘fine’ to me.”

Jessica stiffens for a second, but then she relaxes immediately. Her hands fall away from her head, and this time, her expression is definitely a pout. “My hair isn’t having a good day.”

“Hair is allowed to have bad days too.”

“Then it’s luckier than us.”

It’s supposed to be a joke, or at least Taeyeon thinks it is, but it isn’t really funny because it’s true. It’s very true.

“Do you want some help?” she offers. “I mean, you don’t even have a mirror. It’s going to be really tough to do it yourself.”

“Okay.”

Taeyeon unties the ribbon, careful not to pull on Jessica’s hair, and combs the tangled strands out with her fingers. Jessica stays completely still during the process; she’s wearing sneakers while Taeyeon has heels on and so they’re the same height.

“There we go.” Taeyeon smiles a little at her handiwork. Jessica’s hair is smooth and sleek again, and her braid is a little higher than it was before, but she thinks it looks pretty good. “All done.”

“Thank you. It looks like I need to brush up on my hairstyling skills.”

Taeyeon chuckles. “It’s okay. You have eight hairstylists around you all the time who can help you.”

Jessica snorts. “Have you seen the things Yuri and Yoona have done with Tiffany’s hair? I’m not letting them anywhere near my head.”

Tiffany does seem to be Yuri and Yoona’s favourite victim. Those two could get to a terrifying amount of mischief, especially when they roomed together. Taeyeon doesn’t know how one room could fit so much deviousness.

“Well.” Taeyeon smiles. “You have me.”

Jessica falters, staring at Taeyeon with wide, dark eyes that reflect the lights like stars. Taeyeon blinks, confused at Jessica’s reaction. Then Jessica smiles, slow and sweet, and she stops blinking altogether.

“Are you going to be my personal hairstylist?” Jessica asks teasingly.

“Depends. Do I get a salary?”

Jessica’s mouth lifts slightly. “I’m sure I can think of a way to pay you.”

The statement is perfectly innocent, so Taeyeon doesn’t know why she feels like her face catches on fire. She clears , hoping that Jessica can’t see her blush, but judging by the way Jessica’s eyes are twinkling, she can see it perfectly fine.

Taeyeon clears again. “Do I have to sign a contract or something?”

“So you want to do it?”

“Well.” She shrugs. “There are worst things to be than your personal hairstylist.”

“I’m honoured,” Jessica says wryly.

“Hey, you two!” Hyoyeon comes back and waves at them impatiently. “We’re going to be late, come on!”

“Okay, okay,” Jessica says. “We’re coming.”

Hyoyeon gives Taeyeon a knowing look that confuses her, and she beckons at them one more time before walking away.

“Taeyeon.” Jessica gives her an expectant look. “Come on, let’s go.” Without waiting for her reply, Jessica grabs her wrist and starts pulling her along.

Taeyeon keeps up with Jessica’s pace, but Jessica doesn’t let go of her, and she doesn’t mind.

Jessica looks like a child sitting with her legs crossed, pointing at things with Yuri and making faces with Tiffany. Taeyeon wants to join them, but she’s the leader, she has to thank the fans and talk about their upcoming activities and smile and charm even though she’s tired, from her legs to to somewhere deeper and less tangible.

She looks out into the ocean of pink glow sticks and screaming fans, who are there for them, who would be happy just to see them talking and laughing, and in this moment, she feels nothing but gratitude and appreciation for them.

There are times when she has bitter thoughts, when she is sick of their utter lack of privacy, sick that they’re seen as machines or pretty dolls or some other species entirely – idols – who exist solely to entertain, sick that they’re not treated like people, because that’s what they are. They’re just people, people who get tired and frustrated and sad, people who have bad days, people who are supposed to sell music but have to sell themselves at the same time.

“Taeyeon!” Tiffany has to shout her name for her to hear it clearly. Not that shouting is unusual for Tiffany. “What are you doing all the way over there?”

Taeyeon realizes that without knowing it, she had walked some distance away from the rest of the girls and she’s standing near the edge of the stage. She walks back to them, her members, her family, and Tiffany slings an arm around her shoulders.

The fans’ cheering gets a lot louder at that, and Taeyeon can hear more than a few cries of ‘TaeNy! TaeNy!’. She wonders if Tiffany put her arm around her because she wanted to, or because she knew the fans would like it. Probably both. Fanservice is a very useful tool in their arsenal, and they’ve all mastered it to the extent that they no longer did it consciously.

“That’s better,” Tiffany says, smiling, and Taeyeon knows that this smile isn’t for the fans, isn’t for the cameras. It’s just for her.

Taeyeon slips her arm around Tiffany’s waist, and the audience’s cheers rocket up to a volume that almost hurts her ears. Fanservice with Tiffany used to be painful, because it was so close to what she really wanted, but at the same time, it couldn’t be farther away. (She did it anyway, because in this industry you do what you have to, no matter how much it hurts.) Now…it’s not painful anymore. Being with Tiffany isn’t painful anymore.

“That’s a nice smile.” Tiffany pokes her cheek, and only then does she realize that she’s smiling. “You should smile more often.”

“You smile enough for the both of us.”

“Smile more,” Tiffany repeats. “I like it when you smile.”

“I like your smile too,” Jessica adds, walking by only for long enough to leave behind those words and a quick but lingering smile.

This time, Taeyeon knows that she’s smiling, but that doesn’t mean she can control it. That doesn’t mean she tries to stop.