A/N: Many thanks to GeeShizzle for the incredible beta!

To refresh your memories, watch Jessica as Miss Korea, Taeyeon imitating Jessica, and Jessica calling Taeyeon "ByunTaeyeon".

Before she knows it, Märchen Fantasy is upon them. She’s been—occupied lately, but she’s fully committed to this, to giving the fans a worthy Christmas present. Of course they can’t really make their wishes come true, but they can end the year on a high note, which she thinks they could all use.

Jessica has been helping her extensively with her English, although she still won’t let Taeyeon see her practice. Half the time their English lessons turn into making out, which Taeyeon has no qualms about. They’re taking things slow, and she has a feeling that Jessica’s holding back even though she knows Jessica wants her.

They’re too busy, really, for her to think about it too much. They practice constantly, both their individual and collective performances, and she finds it tiring and relaxing at the same time. They’ve performed certain songs so many times that she thinks she could do it in her sleep – maybe she does, she wouldn’t put it past her sleep behaviour – and there’s something soothing about letting her muscles take over, about doing something so familiar. She’s done this countless times before. She’s good at this, and she doesn’t have to think about it, which isn’t something she can say about other aspects of her life.

Out there on stage, under the lights, she knows who she is and what to do. She knows what people want from her and how to give it to them. Once she steps off the stage and out of her idol skin, things aren’t so simple.

“You look like you’re thinking very hard.”

Taeyeon startles before she calms at the sight of her best friend. “Yeah, I drifted off there for a second.”

“Are you thinking about the concert?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“I feel like time has been passing weirdly,” Tiffany says. “These past couple weeks have been…” She shrugs. “Do you know what I mean?”

Taeyeon isn’t sure what to think about time. She often feels like she doesn’t have enough of it, and these days especially she feels like it’s hard to look past it. She lives each moment of the present in the present. She’s stopped looking at the past, and she’s incapable of seeing far into the future. It isn’t a bad way to live, she thinks. Don’t they tell you to treasure the present? Treat it like a gift, they tell you, that’s why it’s called the present.

When she starts thinking in puns, she knows that she’s gone too deep into her head. She spends a lot of time there, she always has, but not as much lately. There’s Jessica now, and she would rather be with Jessica than wallow in her own thoughts.

“TaeTae?”

Taeyeon snaps back to the here and now. What did Tiffany ask her? Something about time.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Do you only know how to say those words?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

Tiffany shoves her shoulder, and Taeyeon staggers back theatrically. “Hey, the concert’s tomorrow. The fans will kill you if you injure me and I can’t perform.”

Tiffany rolls her eyes. “What are you, made of glass?”

Taeyeon makes a show of rubbing her shoulder and Tiffany sighs. “It’s tomorrow, isn’t it?” she says, almost to herself.

“What, did you forget already?”

“Time has been passing weirdly,” Tiffany says again.

“Hmm. Time is weird.”

Tiffany runs a hand through her hair, plays with the collar of her shirt. “TaeTae.”

“Yeah?”

“Be careful.”

Taeyeon blinks. “About what?”

Tiffany is looking at her with serious, thoughtful eyes. “The fans think that you and Jessi don’t get along. If you’re too close to her, they’ll think that something’s up.”

“Right, I know.”

“Or you could ease them into it, I guess. Make them think it’s fanservice.”

When they first debuted, Taeyeon had done a fair deal of fanservice with Jessica. She hadn’t had any qualms with it, but the thought of it now is… She can’t stand it. What she and Jessica have – that isn’t for the fans. She doesn’t want them to get to see it, to have it, because it belongs to the two of them.

“Are you warning me?” she asks wryly. She’s not angry; she knows that Tiffany means well, that Tiffany wants the same thing as her: the best for the group.

“No, I’m not,” Tiffany says. “I’m reminding you.”

“Okay, I’ll remember, don’t worry.”

“I’m not worried. I know you won’t let us down.”

Strangely, it’s not as burdening as before to hear, to see in Tiffany’s eyes. Maybe she’s absorbed some of their faith. “Fany,” she starts, wanting to tell Tiffany that she’s not alone and she doesn’t have to endure everything herself. Taeyeon often felt that way, even though her girls have made it more than clear that they were there for her, would always be there for her. She supposes that it’s just part of her nature, to want to do everything herself, carry everything herself. That way if she couldn’t do it, if she failed, then she only let herself down.

However, she knows differently now, and she thinks that Tiffany should know differently too. Tiffany has always been there for her, after all. She must know that Taeyeon will always be there for her too. Even if she doesn’t know exactly where ‘there’ is, she would never leave Tiffany alone. They’re best friends.

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking,” Tiffany says. “Oppa and I are going to take a break. We both have things we need to sort out.”

“Things,” Taeyeon repeats. She can imagine what will be the number one ‘thing’ on Tiffany’s list.

Tiffany rubs a hand over her eyes. “He has a lot of things going on in his group. We’re both—it’s hard to date in this industry.”

Taeyeon isn’t about to argue with that.

“But you and Jessi seem to be doing well,” Tiffany says with a smile.

There are a lot of things Taeyeon can say here, but she just ends up returning the smile. She and Jessica are doing well. Really well. She’s heard this stage of a relationship being called the ‘honeymoon phase’. The wording is cheesy enough to make her roll her eyes, but she can’t help thinking that honeymoons don’t last forever.

“It’s great to see you so happy,” Tiffany says. “Both of you.” She makes a face. “That totally sounded like a Best Friend Line from a drama, but – I mean it.”

“I know you do.” Taeyeon gives a teasing grin. “I mean, we could totally fit into the best friends roles in a drama, don’t you think? I liked you, you didn’t like me, then I fell for someone else…”

She wouldn’t think that she could joke about her past feelings for Tiffany, at least not this early, but it was surprisingly easy. That’s how she knows how completely she’s let go of them. If only Jessica knew as well.

Tiffany’s eyes are sparkling. “Is this the part where I get jealous?”

“You’re not the one who’s jealous here,” Taeyeon says without thinking.

Tiffany’s forehead furrows, but she doesn’t look confused, really. More like concerned. She stares at Taeyeon, clearly waiting for her to elaborate.

“Jessica’s jealous of you,” Taeyeon says lamely. “Was? Was jealous of you.”

“Oh.” Tiffany’s frown deepens. “I’m sorry.”

Taeyeon doesn’t know why she’s apologizing. It’s not like she asked for Taeyeon to have feelings for her.

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I know that I had at least a little to do with why you and Jessi started fighting.”

She doesn’t ask how Tiffany knows that. Tiffany’s always been smart.

“You sound like we were fighting over you,” Taeyeon says lightly. “Like winner takes all or something.”

“I’m sorry,” Tiffany repeats.

“Don’t be. That fight was—it was terrible, but I guess in a way it brought us closer.” Their cold war made her realize how much Jessica meant to her, and although she regrets what she said, she doesn’t regret the things their fight made her realize.

“Well.” There’s a smile in Tiffany’s voice. “You’re definitely close now.” The twinkle returns to her eyes. “In a lot of ways.”

“Was that—” Taeyeon’s eyes narrow. “You didn’t just go there, did you?”

Tiffany widens her eyes innocently. “Go where?”

Taeyeon snorts. “I hate to break it to you, but that look stopped working on me a long time ago. Just let it go.”

Tiffany laughs suddenly, and Taeyeon gives her a strange look, questioning her sanity.

“Sorry,” Tiffany says. “It’s just – whenever someone says ‘let it go,’ the song starts playing in my head.”

“I’ve heard it too many times.”

“It’s still great though!” Tiffany says brightly.

“Yeah, all kids think so.”

“Don’t you think so?”

“Of course. It’s a great song.”

“TaeTae,” Tiffany laughs.

“Too bad we can’t sing it for Märchen Fantasy.”

“That would be great,” Tiffany agrees, “and it would go well with the theme.”

“Are you excited?”

“Definitely.”

Her reply doesn’t surprise Taeyeon. Tiffany’s always been excited about performing, about singing and making people happy. Out of the three, Taeyeon only ever really wanted to sing, but she’s learned to do the other two well too, better than she ever thought she could. Looking back, it’s hard to remember why she thought that singing was the most important part of being an idol. She had thought that she was prepared for this, but nobody could really know what it’s like to be an idol until they become one.

“Aren’t you?” Tiffany asks.

“Yes,” Taeyeon says honestly. She wants to sing; she loves to sing. That hasn’t changed over the years, even as many other things have. “It’ll be a nice way to cap off the year.”

“It’s been a long year, hasn’t it?”

Taeyeon isn’t sure how to answer that question. Yes, it has been a long year, but isn’t every year long, isn’t that the life they signed up for, after all.

“It’ll be Christmas soon,” she says absently.

“Yeah.” Tiffany’s eyes brighten. “I can’t wait to eat a Western Christmas dinner.”

“Who said we’re having that?”

“It’s Christmas,” Tiffany says insistently, like the holiday wouldn’t be complete without turkey and mashed potatoes.

Taeyeon makes a face. Western food, hamburgers aside, has never settled well with her stomach. “Do you have any plans?”

“Christmas is a time for family.”

“Are you going back to California?”

Tiffany’s eyes are soft. “I’m staying here. This is home.”

Taeyeon knows what she’s saying, that she’s staying here with them, that they’re her family. Jeonju is still home for Taeyeon, but this, where they are, is home to her too. The eight of them have been her family for years now, not tied together with blood or even choice, really. They didn’t choose to end up together, and she’s not sure if they chose to love each other, but what matters is that they did and they do. She didn’t ask for this, for them, but she loves them.

She has tried to describe her feelings toward them, her affection, her devotion, but she can never get very far beyond how she loves them. It used to frustrate her – she sings about love all the time, she writes about it, and yet she can’t even describe it – but she’s come to realize that it’s okay. Not everything has to be put into words. Not everything can be put into words. Some things can’t be seen, can’t be heard, can’t be spoken; they have to be felt.

“TaeTae?”

Taeyeon smiles. “Home,” she agrees.

The stage at Märchen Fantasy is grand, beautiful, befitting of its name. She soaks it all in: the pink light sticks in the crowd, the exuberance of the fans, the love that is almost tangible all around them. She doesn’t consider herself an egotistical person, but it’s hard not to feel—transcendent like this.

She looks at her girls and thinks that there’s nobody else in the world she would rather share a stage with. They don’t hold hands or join arms, but they’re linked together anyway, their hearts beating the same rhythm, their faces radiating the same happiness. She holds Jessica’s eyes for just a moment longer, and they share a private smile.

Taeyeon breathes and sings and loves.

It’s beyond ridiculous to be jealous of a microphone stand, but that’s how Taeyeon feels. She watches the way Jessica moves her body onstage, and she starts imagining how Jessica would move her body in another setting.

It occurs to her that she’s probably far from the only person having such thoughts as they watch Jessica, and it sends a hot, fierce surge of anger through her. Possessive anger. Jessica is hers. Nobody else should be having such thoughts about Jessica because she belongs to Taeyeon.

“It’s a good thing there’s only us here,” Yuri says. “If the fans saw the way you’re looking at her…”

Taeyeon doesn’t take her eyes off Jessica. “Don’t worry, I won’t let them see anything once we’re onstage.”

“You can always brush it off as fanservice,” Hyoyeon suggests.

“Taeyeon and Jessica don’t do fanservice,” Sooyoung points out. “The fans would probably like it if they did though.”

The lights flicker off for a few seconds, and when they return, Jessica raises her arms above her head, her movements graceful and sensual. A spotlight shines down on her and she…

Taeyeon has to rub her eyes to make sure that she’s seeing right. Yep, Jessica’s in a swimsuit. The ‘dress’ was a swimsuit all along, and the skirt had been flung away by Jessica, who’s now sashaying down the stage, all tiara-adorn hair and shimmering one-piece and legs that seem to go on for miles.

Taeyeon can’t keep her eyes off those legs, how long and shapely and smooth are. She hasn’t blinked in so long her eyes are stinging, but she can’t stop staring at those legs. Well, until Jessica turns around and Taeyeon’s eyes drift to another area.

“Wow,” Yoona says. “Sica unnie is so y.”

“Careful, Yoong,” Sooyoung says. “I don’t think Taengoo likes you talking about her woman like that.”

It’s going to be a long night.

The lights turn off and the stage is swallowed in darkness, but Taeyeon thinks that she can see Jessica anyway. Or maybe it’s just that the image of her is engraved in the back of Taeyeon’s eyelids. Kissing You is coming up and she should be getting ready for it, but she heads to the bathroom instead.

She has to splash cold water on her face to recover some semblance of composure. She stares into the mirror and tells her wide-eyed reflection to remember to be Taeyeon, leader of Girls’ Generation, who has the rest of a concert to get through, instead of Kim Taeyeon, who wants nothing more than to take Jessica’s hand and pull her—

She leans her forehead against the cool glass and forces herself to take steady, even breaths.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

“Get a hold of yourself,” she mutters out loud. There have been times over the years when she literally felt like she couldn’t hold herself up anymore, sometimes onstage, other times in the middle of a variety show or radio appearance. Times when she was exhausted, overwhelmed, staying upright through sheer willpower.

This feels similar to and yet completely different from those times. She’s an idol, and she’s had over six years to perfect her self-control, but it only takes the sight of Jessica in a swimsuit to completely unravel it.

She wonders if she’s just that much of a ert, if ByunTaeyeon, as Jessica put it, just took over. Somehow she doubts it.

There were many backup dancers on the stage along with Jessica, women wearing just as little as her with more toned, arguably more attractive bodies. Taeyeon hadn’t spared any of them a second glance.

There’s only one person worth looking at to her.

She feels better by the time she reaches a room backstage to prepare for their next performance. Sooyoung is combing her hair, working out the tangles with mechanical efficiency, but she smiles when she sees Taeyeon.

Taeyeon smiles back. “You did a really good job.”

“You remember how I did?” Sooyoung asks teasingly. “I thought that everything was wiped from your memory when you saw our Miss Korea.”

Taeyeon can’t deny that Jessica’s performance took over her mind and crowded out her other thoughts, but that doesn’t mean she’s forgotten all about the girls. What kind of leader, member, friend would she be?

“If you ever enter a pageant, don’t bet on winning Miss Congeniality,” she says dryly.

Sooyoung laughs. “I’m hurt, Taengoo.”

“You were great,” Taeyeon says offhandedly but sincerely. “I mean it.”

“I know,” Sooyoung says. “I’m incredibly great.”

“And modest.”

“Not as great as Jessica to you though, I bet.” Taeyeon rolls her eyes, and Sooyoung’s smile widens. “You probably want her to give you a private encore, huh?”

Taeyeon thinks about denying it, but she realizes that she’d be flat out lying. She wouldn’t complain about a private encore from Jessica. Not at all.

“Taengoo?” She jumps about three feet in the air and stares wide-eyed at the source of that voice.

Jessica looks at her curiously, having changed into the clothes for their next song. (Well, of course she changed. She isn’t going to walk around in a swimsuit.)

“Hey, Sica,” Sooyoung says cheerfully. “That was quite the performance. I think you made some fans pass out.”

Jessica’s smile is half-proud, half-shy. She’s so cute that Taeyeon could hug her. (She won’t, of course. She doesn’t know if she can control herself if she touches Jessica.)

“I can’t compare to Lee Hyori sunbaenim.”

“I think you were great,” Taeyeon says.

Jessica beams. “Really?”

Taeyeon nods. “I wish I could watch you again.”

Jessica’s eyes are shining. “If you want—”

Sooyoung makes a gagging sound. “If you two are going to be like that, can you take it somewhere else?”

“Why don’t you take yourself somewhere else?” Jessica asks, not taking her eyes off Taeyeon.

“You know what, I will,” Sooyoung declares. “I don’t think I can watch any more of this.”

“Taengoo.” Taeyeon doesn’t understand how someone can be so y one second and then utterly adorable the next. “Did you really think I was good? I’m – I practiced so much, but it’s such a y concept and not the kind of y we usually do.”

“I thought you were amazing,” Taeyeon says honestly. “You brought your own feel to the song. Of course people are going to compare you with Lee Hyori sunbaenim, but I don’t think you two should be compared.”

“Why not?”

Taeyeon doesn’t really know how to explain it. She struggles with what to say, and somehow “You’re beyond comparison,” comes out.

The lighting doesn’t change, but it looks like a spotlight shines over Jessica’s face – she practically glows. “Taeyeon,” she says softly, reaching out her hand. Taeyeon takes it and pulls Jessica toward her, leaning in—

“Taeyeon! Jessica!”

They snap apart and stare at Jooyoung with identical wide eyes.

“There you two are,” Jooyoung says exasperatedly. “I’ve been looking all over for you. All the girls gave me a different location. Hurry up or you’ll miss the next song.”

“Okay,” Jessica says. Taeyeon just manages a nod.

After Jooyoung leaves, Jessica squeezes Taeyeon’s hand. “Later,” she whispers.

Taeyeon doesn’t know if she means the kiss or the encore, but she can’t wait.

The last thing that she wants to do, really, is talk about Jessica’s performance (really, she wants to talk about it too much, and that’s the problem), but of course that’s what they’re doing right now.

“Our Miss Korea has returned to Girls’ Generation,” Tiffany announces to the fans, who lap it up.

Taeyeon makes sure to maintain an excited expression that doesn’t give away too much of her actual excitement. “It was such an explosive act.”

“That’s right,” Juhyun agrees. “I was shocked by it too.”

Taeyeon mimics Jessica’s skirt-ripping moment with a “whoo!” She can hear the fans going crazy. They all know that she doesn’t exactly have the purest mind out there, but she doubts that any of them have the faintest idea what she’s thinking about right now.

She’s not sure if she can wait until later.

“Next,” Jessica says, “we have ‘first…’”

Everyone is looking at her, and Taeyeon has to remind herself not to look along with them. She’s not sure she can take her eyes off Jessica once they land on her.

“First love!” Tiffany declares. “First kiss!”

“First experience!” Taeyeon blurts out, and everyone erupts into laughter. She hears Jessica’s laughter clearest of all: high and clear and sweet.

“ByunTaeyeon!” Jessica calls out teasingly.

Their eyes meet, and although that’s the only contact between them, Taeyeon feels a physical jolt like a current zipping through her: the electrifying effect of Jessica Jung.