Ilana had succumbed to much-needed sleep and a low-grade fever from the stress of her adventure on Saturday.  All the household chores had come to a complete stop as Nana nursed her niña back to health.  She and Suzy took turns preparing fortifying soups, stews, and of course, porridge to help her gain her strength and also sleeping in her room.  Afraid she might attempt to hurt herself again as well as being there when migraine pain kicked in.  Even Joy scarcely left her Umma's side, sometimes it was only the cat's presence that kept her calm.  Joy was Ilana's only tangible link to Jihoo aside from his Mother's ring.  Truthfully, she'd forgotten she still wore it.

It was early afternoon when Ilana woke up, actually clear-headed for a change.  She felt her heart still beating abnormally fast in her chest.  There was nothing she could do but take her medication to slow it down.  Without it, she was short of breath and lightheaded.  Not that she really wanted to take it; she would gladly let her illness take her over, if it weren't for Nana, Suzy and the rest of the household.  She kept having frightening thoughts and at times she felt like she was arguing with God.  If she could keep her eyes open like the first week back and not sleep she would but having weakened herself to the point of physical and mental exhaustion, her body couldn't stay awake.

She carefully got up out of bed.  Joy gave her a 'where are you going?' meow.  Ilana sat back down to pet the cat.  "Joy-ah, do you miss him as much as I do?"  The cat meowed at her Umma.  "What can I do, Joy?  It's not fair to him to make him stay by my side.  Mianhae," tears rolled down her face.  She'd been crying for days, she thought the tears would have diminished by now but they didn't.  Her voice was rough from lack of use, she still only spoke sparingly.  Nana was probably starting dinner, so Ilana took a warm bath, not trusting herself to stay upright in the shower.

Forty-five minutes later, she decided to try and descend the stairs for the first time since Saturday.  She found Nana in the kitchen as she thought.

 - "Niña!  Gracias a Dios que ya te sientes mejor (Thank God you're better).  No estás mareada (You're not dizzy)?

 - "Poquito (A little), Nana."

 - "Te caliento algo (Should I heat something up for you)?"

Ilana shook her head 'No'.  They managed to get her to eat several spoonfuls a few times a day but she hadn't eaten a regular meal since those first few days in Catalonia.

  "Ahorita te caliento un juguito de res (I'll heat you up a little beef consuméé)."  Nana, of course, ignored her charge.

Ilana shrugged, she had no appetite but would have to eat a little in order to satisfy Nana.  "Estaré en la oficina (I'll be in the study)."  The library/office was usually a place where Ilana went in her darkest moods.  Despite the bay window, it was dark and cool and smelled of books.  Her Father liked to buy old leather bound classic editions to display.  He had his special shelves for them while Ilana and her Mother filled the rest of the shelves with their own books and knick-knacks.

Ilana sat in the window, wanting warmth from the bit of sun shining through.  It was the perfect room for a study as it didn't get that much light.  She should have gone to the sunroom instead but she wanted to feel her Papi's presence.  If Ilana wasn't with her Mama and the piano, she was in the bay window with a book while her Papi did some work from home.

Ilana put a hand on her chest, she'd gotten used to the strange way it was beating.  An abnormal heartbeat for an abnormal woman.  Only someone, not in their right mind would have chosen her path.

 - "For God so loved the world, he gave his only begotten son, so none should perish but all could have eternal life."

Where had she heard those words before?  "What does that have to do with me?" She thought.  "Am I perishing?  I guess so but Hell can't possibly get worse than this emptiness.  Eternal life?  What's a day, without the one you love?"

 - "Sarang..."

Hearing a soft and tender voice, she leaned her head on her knees and allowed the tears to flow silently.

Nana came in to find her niña still in that position.  "Mi vida (My dear)!"  She sat the mug of broth on the desk and walked to the window.  "Que te pasa (what is happening)?  Te sientes mal (are you unwell)?"  Nana was already feeling her forehead for fever.

Not knowing what to say, Ilana said nothing.  She'd been unwell since she began to pen that letter but what other choice did she have?

 - "Ven, tomate el caldito (Come, drink the broth)."  Ilana allowed herself to be directed to the desk and the waiting mug of broth.

There was a rather large box on the desk and Ilana looked it at curiously, but not enough to see what it was or from whom.

Nana followed her gaze, "llego el lunes para ti, mi amor (it arrived for you on Monday, love)."

Perplexed, Ilana took scissors from the desk and cut open the box.  Whatever it was, it was packed securely in foam, bubble wrap, and paper.  Cutting through all the layers she discovered the duplicate portrait of the painting Harabeoji had made of Jihoo, Ilana, and their parents.  Ilana stepped back startled, dropping to the ground in sobs.

 - "Niña!  Que te pasa (What is wrong)?"  Nana cradled her Ilana's head in her arms as she sobbed violently.  When all that was left was the staggering breathes, Nana smiled.  "Pero que lindo homenaje a sus padres (But what a beautiful tribute to your parents)."  Nana had caught a quick look at the picture.  Jihoo had told Nana about his own loss at an even younger age than Ilana.  Now Nana understood the connection and marveled at God would create something so beautiful from such a tragedy but her Niña had to accept God before she could accept his gifts.

 - "Nana, no merezco ese cuadro (I don't deserve that portrait).  Es una mentira (It's a lie); una ilusión (An illusion)!"

 - "Niña, porque tan desdichada (why so unhappy)?  Tienes una historia de amor tan bonito (You have such a beautiful love story).  Un amor que Solo viene de Dios (A love that can only come from God)."

 - "De qué me sirve si no soy mujer completa (What good is it, if I'm not a complete woman)!"

Nana chuckled softly.  "Querida, eres mujer de carne y hueso, bonita, talentosa y educada (Dear, you're a woman of flesh and bone, beautiful, talented, educated).  Por un miserable humano vas a amargarte la vida (You'll ruin your life over a miserable human being)?  Cariño, todas tus penas y angustias dáselas a Dios (Dear, all that shame, and anguish, give it over to God)."

Ilana shook her head, "Ni Dios me querrá (not even God would want me)."

Nana sighed, sensing Ilana her precious stubborn girl was cracking just a little bit.  "Pregúntale, cariño (Ask him, dear)."

Ilana shook her head 'no'.  "Nana, siempre me eh querido morir y no me dejan (I've always wanted to die and they won't let me).  Ahora más que nunca (now more than ever)."

 - "Ven (come)," Nana made Ilana stand with her.  "No es tu tiempo, chiquita (it's not your time dear).  Dios no quiere perderte (God doesn't want to lose you).  Te  ha dado muchas oportunidades para que lo quieras y lo sigas (He's given you many opportunities for you to love Him and follow Him).  No lo hagas esperar, tanto a Él como al doctorcito (Don't make Him wait, not Him nor the young Doctor)."

 - "Como Nana?!  No puedo ser una verdadera esposa (How Nana?  I can't be a real wife)," Ilana said quietly and with tears forming in her eyes again.

 - "Niña, no existen esposas falsas (Child, fake wives don't exist).  De una manera u otra, son esposas (One way or the other they are wives)."

 - "Nana!  Déjate de burlas (Stop teasing)!"  Ilana cried.

 - "Niña, ya sé de qué temes (I know what you're afraid of).  En la cama matrimonial solo debe ver dos personas, esposo y esposa (In a marriage bed there should only be two people:  husband and wife)."  Ilana opened to say something but Nana cut her off.  "Ve el cuadro, niña (Look at the portrait, child)."  Ilana didn't want to look and remember happy days with Jihoo.  "Está bien, luego hablemos más (Fine, we’ll talk more, later).  No sé porque has regresado sola, cariño (I don't know why you've returned alone, dear) pero acuerda que les dije (but remember what I told you two).  Lo que Dios a unido (What God has joined), ningún hombre...o mujer (let no man...or woman)," she threw the word 'woman' in knowing her charge.  "Lo separe (separate)."

 - "No entiendo (I don't understand) Nana!"  Ilana's head felt like it was going to burst open.  She put her hands up to the side of her head as if to keep it from bursting.

 - "Ya, siéntate y tómate el caldito (There now, sit and drink your broth).  Mientras le digo a Brendon que nos cuelgue el cuadro (In the meantime, I'll tell Brendon to hang the portrait for us)."

 - "Nana!  No me pertenece (It doesn't belong to me)!"

 - "Vino a la casa de la familia Contreras (It came to the Contreras family home).  Nos pertenece a todos (It belongs to all of us)."

 - "Nana!"  Ilana wept in defeat as Nana took the framed 20x30 picture, despite it being awkward to carry and walked out the door.

New York, NY

Jaejoong returned home past Isabel's bedtime.  He poked his head into her room and found she wasn't there.  He knew exactly where his little sweetheart would be.  He found her curled up next to Abigaíl who was also asleep.  He and Jihoo had left the hospital later than expected and their conversation ran longer than expected.  Scooping his cute little girl into his arms he delivered her with a quick kiss back to her room.  "God bless your sleep," he prayed over her.

Walking back to his own room, he changed and sat on the side of the bed that his wife slept on.  The pregnancy made her warm; she had kicked off the blankets.  Not being able to resist, he caressed her baby bump.  "Yah adeul (son), were you good for Umma tonight?"  They had just found out the day before they were having a boy.  He lifted Abigail's sky blue nightgown he had bought her in honor of her carrying their son.  He placed gentle kisses on the mound and continued traveling south until she began to wake up.

 - "Jae, what are you doing?"  A sleepy Abigaíl asked.

 - "Loving my wife."  He stopped his activities below her nightgown and kissed her passionately.

 - "What's wrong?"  Not that her husband's amorous attentions were abnormal, but Abigaíl sensed a strange tension.

 - "Anieyo, I just need you right now, arraso?"

Abigaíl drew him into his embrace, kissing him tenderly, acknowledging his need.  He made love to her slowly, savoring her, not wanting to end their connection.  He brought her sensitive flesh to a peak several times before succumbing to his own.

They lay in each other’s arms recovering their strength from their lovemaking.  "Jae, do you want to talk to me now?"

He had felt Jihoo's sorrow during their dinner and conversation.  It was rare for Jihoo to discuss his feelings or show any emotion but when it came to Ilana, it had been increasingly difficult for him to hide it.  There was something about being in love.  He'd never realized it but men had that 'in love' glow as much as woman.  He'd seen it on Jihoo a few times.  Tonight, although Jihoo held it all in behind his poker face, he could feel his pain as if it was tangible.  Sure, he was hanging on to God's promise but that didn’t mean he couldn't mourn for his companion, that the situation was not painful.  He felt things so much more deeply since coming to the Lord.  Jihoo had put up with him for the last five-plus years; it hurt him deeply to see his friend hurting.

Abigail was waiting patiently for him to answer her.  "Mianhae, jagi.  It's late and adeul likes to wake you early."

 - "It's okay, I know a Doctor who will let me take a nap in his office."

Jaejoong grinned.  "Yah, make sure that Doctor knows you're married."

 - "Dork," Abigaíl poked him in the stomach.  Glad he was joking around.  A serious Jaejoong was cause for worry.

Jaejoong caught her hand and laid it on his stomach under his.  "Jihoo is leaving the hospital."

 - "What?"  Abigaíl tried to sit up but Jaejoong wouldn't let her.  "Why?  And what about Ilana!"

 - "Jagiya, I'm not telling you anything until you calm down."

She settled herself back against her husband's chest and waited.

 - "Ilana had to return to Los Angeles."

 - "So he's going to Los Angeles with her?"

Jaejoong shook his head 'no', and then turned to his wife.  He brought his fingers to her lips before she could ask 'why?'  He knew she was fiercely protective of her friends and Ilana especially.  "I'm sure you've noticed, Ilana carries deep emotional scars."

 - "Yes, I picked that up almost as soon as I started working with her.  Why do you think I was so angry at you for scaring her that day?"

 - "Ara, I really didn't mean to scare her but that's all in the past.  Praise God, he sent a beautiful angel to lead me to salvation."

 - "We're not talking about you," Abigaíl said impatiently.

Jaejoong thought carefully how to tell his wife Jihoo's story without revealing that which was confidential.

 Jaejoong and Jihoo had started their guy’s night by making small talk.  Jaejoong asked about the gala and the rest of their stay in Seoul.  Jihoo short answers as was his style.  Jihoo asked him about the month’s happenings and also over Abigail's pregnancy.  As Jaejoong responded with enthusiasm, he began to notice Jihoo's careful mask begin to slip.

 - "Ilana-yah..."  Jihoo began after he dropped the bomb that he was leaving.  "Ilana-yah was added to the Yoon family register."

 - "Jeongmal!  Aish, Na told you not to elope.  Chukahae!"  Although Jaejoong was enthusiastic, he wondered why his friend wasn't smiling as he should.

 - "I was able to confirm what we suspected in her medical history a few months ago."

 - "Omo!"

 - "Naega not a specialist but she put her trust in me until she finally revealed everything and she wasn't afraid to make that commitment to us.  There was one thing neither of us truly expected."

 - "Mwo?"

Jihoo had hesitated if he should tell Jaejoong everything but it was just too painful to mention, even to another Doctor.

Jaejoong observed his friend struggle to keep up the cool exterior.  "Jihoo-ah, yah, we're colleagues and Ilana is my patient.  Dude!  You bailed me out of trouble more times than I want to admit.  I'm here for you bro, talk to me."

 - "Ilana...ran away, fearing she'd never be able to...consummate...our marriage.  She withdrew into herself, with flashbacks.  It took me around ten minutes or more to get her back."

 - "Aish, bro!  Where is she?  You're going after her?"  Jaejoong saw his friend's eyes glistened with unshed tears.

 - "Naega positive she went home to Los Angeles.  Ani, Na will be leaving for Seoul.  Every time Na think of her, I pray.  I ask what I can do.  What did I do?  It's always the same answer...wait."  A single tear won the fight to escape.  "Jaejoong-ah, she...wanted me to force her.  Eottoke (How)?  Deh, Seoul is where I'm sure I'm supposed to be.  I need to be available for when she's ready.  Ara, she's out of my hands now.  Na have done all I can. Only God will be able to heal her of this inner turmoil."

Jihoo spoke briefly of her letter, his conversations with God and his thoughts on the future.  They ended their evening with Jaejoong praying for Jihoo and Ilana.

Jaejoong told his wife briefly about the family registries.  "So they're married?"  Abigaíl asked.

 - "Deh but Ilana's emotional distress gives her flashbacks of that traumatic experience.  It happened a few times while they were on honeymoon.  She decided to...leave on the assumption that she wasn't normal.  That Jihoo was better off without her."

Abigaíl gasped in surprise.  She was suddenly very saddened for her teammate and friend of the last year.  "I take it you can't tell me what happened to her to be so traumatized?  I know she lost her parents when she was little."

 - "Chincha?  I didn't know that.  So did Jihoo.  How weird is that?"

 - "No!  Don't you see!  'For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Abigail’s pregnancy hormones went into overdrive and she began getting weepy.  "That's so beautiful, do you see now?  The Lord orchestrated all of it but Ilana doesn't believe yet.  Jae, we have to pray really hard for them.  This is their time to love.  Their sorrow from the death of their parents is at an end.  It's time for her to start believing."

 - "Jagi," he wiped the tear that had fallen.  "Gwenchana, don't get upset.  As Jihoo said, she's in God's hands, now.  He's been through so much already; it hurt me to see him so sad.  Jihoo is used to getting things done; making a plan and executing it.  But now, the Lord has told him to wait.  That hope is what will keep him going.  We need to pray he stays strong."  Jaejoong turned his wife to spoon her against him.  "Sleep yeobo," it was around midnight.  "We'll pray for them in the morning."

Ilana woke the most clear-headed since her return.  She knew exactly where Nana had taken the portrait Harabeoji had created and again an unseen force beckoned her even if she didn't want to.  Entering her parent’s room, she was immediately engulfed in their presence.  Almost like a hug.  There hung the portrait above the fireplace.  She sat on a chair and mourned for the dream she could never have.

 - "Mama, Papa, llévame con ustedes!"

 - "There's a time to live and a time to die," Ilana heard in her thoughts.

 - "I want it to be my time to die!"  She cried.

  - "Don't mistake no for I don't love you."

Ilana remembered the couple who went out of their way to help her.

"God's mercies are new every morning."

 - "I don't understand!  Mollah!"  She shouted at the room.

 - "Just believe, don't try to understand."

Every time she heard Jihoo's voice, she could almost feel his presence.  She curled herself up on the chair and wept.  It was after a while of just sitting in silence, letting the tears go where they wanted that something in her prompted made her look up; lifting her eyes to the portrait above her, "Jihoo Umma?  Let him be okay?  Mianhae, I failed him."  Ilana looked down at her hands and brought her fingers to circle the band she wore on her right hand.  "Jihoo Umma, na didn't mean to keep it.  Help me, juseyo?  Na don't want to add this to my sins against him?"  Unconsciously, she got down on her knees.  "I don't care about myself but please let him be happy?  I don't want anything from you; I just want Jihoo to be happy."  She wasn't quite sure at whom she was directing that plea.  Perhaps she'd put away her rancor long enough to beg God.

 - "Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins."

Ilana remembered the words that had played in her head over and over after JungMin and Suzy's wedding. Then she heard Jihoo's angry scolding voice after she'd gotten sick with pneumonia.

 - "Hate me all you want, just stop hating yourself!"

 - "How selfish and self-centered do you have to be to keep pushing people away!"

Ilana sobbed openly at this point.  "I did love deeply!  I do!"  Ilana shouted at no one in particular.  "I can't hate you!!  I love you!  But you can't cover me, it's too much!  Even a multitude has a limit.  I didn't want to push you away.  I had too!  You were going to get hurt!  You were the one that was going to suffer because of me!"  Ilana's head throbbed as she lay on the floor sinking into her depression again.

- "Don't hide from me, juseyo?"

 - "Eottokhae!  You're everywhere, Sarang!"

 - “Lo que Dios a unido (What God has joined), ningún hombre (let no man), lo separe (separate)."

 - "Eottoke!  Eottoke!  Help me!"  Again Ilana didn't know who her plea was directed to.

It was Suzy's day off and as usual, came to spend time with Nana and also her friend.  Not finding Ilana in her room, she asked Nana.

 - "Me imagino que ha de estar en la recámara de sus papas (I imagine she's in her parents’ bedroom)."

 - "Gracias (Thank you), Halmoni."

 - "No ha desayunado (She hasn't had breakfast), llévale este jugo (take her this juice)."  Nana took a lidded tumbler from the refrigerator.

 - "Deh Halmoni."

Suzy quickly went off to find her friend.  Entering the large suite, she found her friend on the ground silently sobbing.  "Unnie!"  Suzy placed the drink on a table and knelt by Ilana.  "Unnie!  You can't keep doing this!"  Suzy felt Ilana's forehead.  She was feverish again.  "Unnie, come on, I'll help you to your room."  She half pulled her up.  Suzy was thin herself, but quite strong and she was taller than Ilana by five inches.  Once they were both standing, Suzy's eyes found the portrait.  "Unnie!"  She gasped.  "When we get to your room, you're telling me everything."

Once back in her bed, Ilana tried avoiding Suzy.  "Gwenchana, Suzy-ah, I'll just take a nap and I'll feel better."  Suzy reached for her wrist to take her pulse.

 - "Anngwenchana, Unnie is not the same person who marched up to Juan Carlos and slapped him."

 - "Deh...I'm not.  Neo paboya.  I failed him, Suzy.  He wanted me to believe in fairy tales, I was almost convinced and then...reality hit me in the face."

Suzy wasn't sure whom Ilana was speaking of, "Unnie...if you keep this up, we'll have to get you anti-depressants; do you want that?"

 - "Ani...I want to feel every pain, the tearing of my heart.  Ani, it's already torn.  Na don't think it can tear anymore."

 - "Unnie, you're killing me to see you like this.  We could've lost you.  What would Jihoo Uissa have thought?"

 - "It would've been easier for him.  Mollah, it was his voice telling me to stop but of course it was all in my head.  He wasn't there, why would he be?"  Ilana felt herself shivering.

 - "Unnie, get comfortable because I'm not leaving until you tell me everything. That portrait explains part of it but the rest I don't understand."

Joy had come to purr and lay next to Ilana who had gotten back under her blankets.  "I feel sick every time I think about what I've done."

 - "What have you done, Unnie?"

Ilana looked at her left hand.  "Na...Let myself fall in love, knowing I could never be a wife."  Ilana sighed.  "I tried, chincha!  I told him I was crazy, he didn't believe me and then I didn't believe me."

 - "Wae Unnie?  Wae can't you be a wife?"

 - "Suzy-ah, I lose him.  It gets dark and suddenly he's not there.  I can't see him and then...the others are there.  I...I freeze, if I just pretend I'm...I'm somewhere else, maybe they'll hurry and go away but then I realize there....there wasn't anyone else.  There's only Jihoo and...I've hurt him with my behavior but...I can't st-stop it from happening.  I'm broken, useless.  If I hadn't left, what would've become of us?"

 - "Unnie..."  Even that day on the ship she didn't look so broken, Suzy thought.  "Back up and tell me about the picture.  You two weren't married when you came here and you went straight to Seoul, so how is that your wedding picture in New York?  And with your parents too and Jihoo's Uissa parents?"

 - "The picture is from the opening of Club Eden.  It was Harabeoji's wedding gift to us.  He worked magic to make my white dress into a wedding dress and bring both our...our parents back from the grave."  Ilana's voice was a mere whisper at the word 'grave'.

 - "Omo Unnie!  You both lost your parents?"  Ilana just nodded her head.  "So Harabeoji raised Jihoo Uissa?"

Ilana shook her head 'no'.  "Chingu."

 - "Wau Unnie, that's something special you two share.  No wonder you bonded quickly.  Unnie, you love Jihoo Uissa, why are you making yourselves both miserable."

 - "Gwenchana, as long as he's eventually happy, my misery will be worth it."

 - "Unnie!  When two people love each other, it's torture to be apart, even for a little while.  Unnie, you've got to get a grip and go back."  Suzy took her wrist gently.  "This can't happen again, Unnie."

 - "Ara!  It seemed the best choice at the time."

 - "It’s never the best choice Unnie."  Suzy handed Ilana the tissues to wipe her face.  "Unnie, you don't have to tell me but what happened to you in your teens?"  Ilana remained quiet; she couldn't vocalize her experiences again.  "What if I tell Unnie what I suspect and tell me if you agree, deh?"  Suzy didn't wait for Ilana's assent.  "Unnie, someone you trusted...abused you?"  Ilana didn't move from her position but Suzy saw the tears start again.  "Was it...repeatedly?"

 - "Omo Unnie," even if Ilana didn't say anything, Suzie knew.  She drew Ilana in for a hug.  "Jihoo Uissa knows this, deh?"  Ilana nodded 'yes'?  "And KyuJong Oppa & YoungSaengie Oppa too?"  Ilana nodded again.

 - "I let him talk me into adding me to the family registry.  It was Christmas Eve; we had a small dinner with the rest of his friends and Harabeoji.  KyuJong Oppa was there and So YiHyun.  We flew to Spain for a honeymoon on my family's property.  When he wanted to..."  Ilana looked toward her window.  "I...I couldn't.   Then even his slightest touch made me nervous.  I could see it not only worried him but hurt him too.  I couldn't keep doing that to him."  Ilana lay back on her pillows exhausted.

 - " Unnie, rest for now but you need to stop making yourself sick.  If any couple was meant to be together it's Jihoo Uissa and you."  Suzy left to bring Ilana food and Ilana placed her arm around Joy and wept.

 - "Mianhae Joy-ah, I-I can't help it."  Ilana apologized to the cat for wetting her fur with tears.

Ilana managed to get herself out of bed again and joined the others for dinner.  She mainly picked at her spaghetti but the noise of everyone else eating and talking and joking soothed her aching heart.  Had she been well, the mixed conversations of Spanish, English, and Korean would have had her laughing too hard to eat.

Neither Suzy nor Ilana were allowed to help clean up as usual. Ilana decided to walk with JungMin and Suzy to their cottage.

 - "Do you want to come in for a little while?"  Suzy asked.

 - "Anieyo, JungMin has been working hard all day.  I'm sure he wants some alone time with his wife."

 - "Gwenchana, I can ravish her all I want after you leave."

Ilana blushed nervously and Suzy grabbed her husband by the ear.  "Yah!  Park JungMin, don't talk like that in front of Unnie."

 - "Mwo, she knows I'm joking!"  JungMin thought it best to act as normal as possible in front of Ilana.

 - "Gwenchana, Suzy-ah, if Maknae can handle his joking, so can I.  Jaljaeyo!"

Parting ways after hugs, Ilana wandered around the property alone.  Without conscious thought, she stopped by the little chapel.  She suddenly remembered her Mother and her picking flowers and bringing them to the chapel.

 - "Mama?  Porque Dios necesita flores (Why does God need flowers)?"

  - "Dios no necesita nuestros regalos, querida, pero a quien no le gusta recibir flores de alguien quien amas mucho (God doesn't need our gifts dear, but who doesn't like to receive flowers from someone you very much love)?"

Ilana thought of the roses Jihoo had brought her for their first date.  His 'unconscious beauty' she had called him.

 - "To all those who mourn in Israel, I will give a crown of beauty instead of ashes."

Ilana heard that voice again.  It was so soft, that she thought her mind played tricks on her.  "Who are you?"  She yelled at the night.

 - "My sheep hear my voice and I know them and they will follow me."

 - "You're not one of his sheep," the cynical frightening voice said.

Ilana came to recognize the voice that had wanted her to take her life.  Suddenly frightened, she began to run; again, without knowing where to.

 "If you didn't talk to him yesterday, you can still talk to him today," the pastors had said.

Ilana felt the sharp pain as she ran and stopped by her Father's tree and sat.  "What is this?"  She thought as she sat with her head resting on her knees.  Her chest was aching and she shivered in the fifty-degree weather but through it all she was numb.  The desire to just end everything was still strong and she had to do battle with herself.

 - "This can't happen again," Suzy told her.

 - "Eottokhae?!"

 - "Miss Ilana!!"  Brendon yelled a little sternly.

Ilana screamed as a dark figure approached her.  Her brain hadn't quite registered Brendon's voice.

 - "Hey!  It's Brendon!"  He crouched at her side.  "Are you okay?  Should I take you to Miss Suzy?"  He asked in concern.

Ilana shook her head 'no'.

- "Well here, put on your coat, Nana sent me to find you.  Let's get back inside."  He helped her to stand as gently as possible.  "Since when is the tree grove your new hiding spot?"  Brendon continued talking to her as if it was a perfectly normal conversation.

She shrugged her shoulders in response.  She felt herself sway but Brendon had a good grip on her.

Arriving back at the house, Ilana finally spoke.  "Brendon, if I wasn't crazy before, I'm sure I am now."

 - "Confused, maybe, but not crazy."  He .  "Look, you've always been good at coming to terms with your depression.  Unfortunately, you never quite mastered a balance.  You've been locked in your room since you came home.  You need to occupy your mind and also your body."  He'd tell her to pray but he knew she was still angry with God.

 - "Brendon, I think...I want to go out tomorrow."

 - "Okay.  I don't have anyone to take or pick up other than Mr. Park."

 - "I'm okay now, Nana's still in the kitchen right?"

 - "Where else?"  Ilana didn't know how her Nana had the strength to keep the large home.  Ilana certainly wouldn't.

 January 9, 2015

By the time Ilana was ready to accompany Brendon to the store, Nana had cooked for at least fifty people if not more.  Knowing she needed to occupy herself somehow, what better way to start than paying back her debt to the couple who saved her the Saturday before.

 - "Chiquita que bueno que te arreglaste (Dearie, it's so good you dressed yourself up)."  The temperature had dropped ten degrees overnight.  Seventy in January would be sweltering in New York, but by California standards, it was worthy of a light sweater for the lightweights.  For Ilana, it meant her sweater dress tights, boots, and gloves.  She couldn't get warm enough.

 - "Te ves bonita," Nana encouraged her even though she still looked a little tired.  As she did her make-up, Ilana thought how Jihoo would already be scolding her.  "Well, he doesn't have to worry about me anymore."

Brendon and Ilana arrived at the Church building about eleven-thirty; she hoped they weren't already closed for lunch.  She wanted to surprise them with food.  Looking at the building, it was old and run down.  Perhaps she could help with that.

 - "Go on in, Miss, I'll get the food."

 - "I can take some trays."

 - "We're not doing that again."  When Ilana gave him a blank look, he replied.  "The hospital potluck?"

 - "Oh," Ilana looked away to hide her face.  She remembered Jihoo took the trays from her and even got his white shirt stained.

 - "Miss?"  Brendon woke her from her trip down memory lane.  "Are you alright?"  She looked better but was sure she wasn't.

 - "Deh," she answered softly in Korean again.

 - "I'll take that as a no but we're here, let's go."

Ilana shook her head to dispel her fog and walked slowly to the doors of the church, a bit nervous for some reason.  She was only here to reward their good dead, nothing more.

 - "I don't think you'll be turned into a pillar of salt," he teased.  When Ilana looked at him curiously, he laughed.  "Ask Nana."

Ilana rolled her eyes at him and opened the door and would have frozen in the door had Brendon not pushed her with the trays.  "Umm...Ann...Hello," She kept wanting to speak Korean.  "My name is Ilana...Contreras.  I brought lunch for Pastor J-JaeRim?  And-and the rest of the staff."

 - "JaeRim?  Oh!  Pastor Johnathon!  He mainly goes by Johnathon.  Only the older crowd calls him JaeRim.  Wow!  That Smells wonderful, let me take you to the kitchen and then I'll call Pastor."  They were quickly ushered into the kitchen.  Ilana had bags of disposable paper plates, cups, cutlery, and napkins.

Setting things down in the kitchen, Brendon went for the drinks and Ilana went back to the receptionist.  "My name is Cristina, by the way."  She picked up the phone and dialed Pastor Johnathon's number.

The Pastor was very excited to hear Ilana was in the building and came directly.  Luckily his wife happened to be on her way to meet him for lunch and would be arriving any minute.

 - "Miss Ilana!"  The Pastor greeted.

 - "Wait until you see all the food they brought!"  Cristina said.

 - "Annyeong hasseyo," she bowed quickly.

 - "I'm impressed!  But you don't have to be formal with me.  I've been in the states most of my life."

 - "M-sorry," She communicated with Jihoo in her own sort of Kor-glish.  With Suzy and JungMin as well.  It was so natural now, she couldn't stop.

 - "That's cool!  Where did you learn Korean?"

 - "My-my friends," she looked away, so as to try and compose herself before she cried.

 - "Ah!  Here comes Sarah.  Cristina, please lock the front door and we'll have lunch."

 - "Ilana!  What a lovely surprise!"  SoEun or Sarah hugged her enthusiastically.

Brendon walked up at that time.  "I took the liberty of setting the trays of food and the paper goods and plastic cutlery on the counter.  The drinks I left in the kitchen.  Please contact me when you're ready to be picked up."

 - "Oh!  I only planned on staying a short time."

 - "I insist you stay and have lunch, you brought it after all."

 - "Miss Ilana will be glad to join you; I have errands to run with Nana."

Ilana gave him a pleading face, then a threatening one.

 - "Ah, look at the time, I better get going.  Enjoy your lunch."

 - "Brendon!  I'm not carrying a phone."

 - "That's okay," Sarah said.  "You can use the church phone.  Let's eat, I'm starved.  Are you sure you won't stay, Brendon is it?"

 - "Yes, I’m sure.  Make sure to eat!"  He walked out the door.

 - "That's too bad.  Come on," Sarah, took Ilana by the arm, just like JaeKyung always did.  Ilana decided she would kill Brendon when she got back home.  SoEun took a look at all the food.  "Ilana, this is enough to feed a hundred people!  Honey, let Pastor Young know and the Friday school kids and parents."

 - "I'm one step ahead of you, Sarah," Cristina came back followed by a mob of kids of all ages.

 - "I'm glad my Nana doesn't know how to make less," Ilana said.  The kids caught Ilana's eye as she remembered the hospital kids and belatedly the hospital.

 - "Are you okay?"  SoEun asked in concern for Ilana's countenance changed to worry.

 - "Oh yeah, I just remembered something I need to take care of."

 - "As long as you can take care of it later, lets the three of us go to my office and eat.  Away from these little runts."  He chose one of the junior high kids to mess his hair.

 - "Yah!  Pastor Jae!"  The kid said irritated.

Taking their food and beverage to the office, of which Ilana partook very little, they sat down.

  - "This is delicious, thank you again."  JaeRim had taken a mouthful of an enchilada.

Everyone had been thanking her, much to her discomfort.  "Anieyo, I wanted to thank you both for your help.  I would have been in trouble."

 - "Anieyo!"  JaeRim matched her tone.  "The Lord told me to hurry and head back."

Ilana didn't understand this kind of talk and chose to ignore it.  "I...wanted to express my gratitude.  I just moved back home and I didn't want to take for granted your help."

 - "I couldn't call myself a pastor if I didn't care for my flock.

 - "My sheep hear my voice and I know them."

 - "I'm not part of your flock," she said quietly.

 - "The minute you came back home, you fell under my and Pastor Young's care."  He smiled, trying to into letting her guard down.

 - "Where did you live before, Ilana?"  SoEun asked.

 - "New York."

 - "Oh!  We spent a few weeks there on vacation.  How did you like living there?"

-  "The people there made it all worthwhile," she gazed softly at a picture only she could see.

The couple communicated silently between them.  "I detect a bit of longing in your voice, Ilana.  Did unforeseen circumstances bring you home?"

 - "Deh, you can say that."

The couple could see a type of inner struggle of where she was and where she wanted to be.

Ilana snapped out of her trance.  "My reason for coming today was to thank you and to give you a gift to show my appreciation."  She had only taken a bite of her food.  Putting down her fork, she took her checkbook from her purse, surprising them.  "I'm prepared to give you any amount that is within my capacity, please name me a sum.  If it's within my ability, I will give it."

JaeRim was stunned.  "Thank you but it's really not necessary."  Who was he to turn down a gift to the Church but something told him not t accept anything yet.

 - "Please accept?   I can also get you architectural help, contractors, and supplies.  Please, it's the least I can do for you."

 - "Thank you, I need to discuss it with Pastor Young, our Senior Pastor, and I'll let you know."

 - "Oh," Ilana really didn't want to come back or have more contact with these people, it wasn't like she had anything to say to them.  "I'll give you my attorney's phone number and when you've decided give him a call."  Thankfully, she had the attorney's business card in her wallet.

 - "Thank you," JaeRim received the card in both hands.  "So what do you do, Miss Ilana?"

What did she do?  She wondered.  "I-I worked at a hospital in New York."

 - "Oh!  You're in the medical field?"  SoEun asked.  "Will you be working here at PIH (Presbyterian Intercommunity Hospital)?"

 - "Ah...no, I was administrative."  Ilana thought it time to go.  "Do you mind if I used your phone to call my...ride?"  'Driver' was too presumptuous.

 - "Oh!  So soon?"  SoEun pouted a bit.

 - "Deh, I-I've not been well and I'm just getting back on my feet."

 - "Well, praise God you are well now.  Your physical wounds are all healed?"

Ilana thought there was something more to SoEun's questions but answered anyway.  "Y-yes," Ilana looked away in shame at her actions.

 - "Miss Ilana, if l might ask how do you know you're not on speaking terms with God?"

She was left dumbfounded; no one had ever asked her that.  Wasn't it obvious?  "I stopped talking to him the day he took my parents and left me alone."  There was a new anger in her voice.  She thought she had resigned herself to that loss.  Things were different with Jihoo by her side.

 - "...sometimes the right friend comes along and takes part of that pain onto themselves and you're left with less."  She remembered Jihoo saying.  But she left him and took all her pain back.

 - "I'm sorry, can you repeat the question?"  Ilana had zoned out again.

 - "I only asked how it was you lost your parents."

 - "An accident..." Ilana said surprised she had volunteered the information.

 - "I'm so sorry, Ilana dear."  SoEun could tell the girl still mourned deeply.  "Were you all together?"

Ilana shook her head 'no'.  "Their plane crashed on their way to meet me."

 - "Miss Ilana, sometimes we blame God inappropriately for human errors," JaeRim said.  "And although you stopped talking to him, he never left your side.  He waits for you to reach out to him again."

This got Ilana's attention and she looked up at him?  "What do you mean?  He's all-knowing, right?  He knew the plane would crash and I would be left alone to..."  Ilana stopped before she said too much.  "And I never once prayed, since."  Or had she?  She'd been plagued with thoughts or whispers since her return, driving her crazy and vying for her attention.  Could it be?

 - "I can't pretend to know God's thoughts; his ways are not our own but human error is not God's error.  He didn't build the plane, He wasn't flying it.  He works everything for his Glory, sometimes even our own sins.  We don't know the entire picture.  It's not always revealed to us because we won't be able to handle it.  And even when we call out to God in anger, he is there."

"...Sinbu does better being surprised."

She'd been very angry at God and especially since her return but why would he be there for her now?  As For the rest, it somehow made sense but wasn't ready to give in yet.  "But had they not been coming to meet me, they would not have been on the plane.  And had I had my parents still, my life and choices would have been different."

  - "That's why we have to make our own choices, God's way or our own.  This world and everyone in it is a complex mechanism.  One day, perhaps not until heaven, we will understand what God was up to in our lives.  Until that time, God says “Trust me.  I have a plan I’m working out in your life, even though in the darkness of the storm you cannot see what that plan is.  If we deviate from His plan, then we blame Him when things go wrong.  We all have an hour that we're raised up for.”

 - "But I want to know what the plan was for him taking my parents.  What was I supposed to learn from that?  Why did I have to meet..."  Ilana shook her head.  "What of the little boy who was playing with his Dad and covered his eyes while driving?  What was God's plan then?"  These thoughts ran through her head.  She felt the pain in her head beginning and pressed her fingertips to the back of her head.  "I'm sorry; I've taken up much of your time."  Ilana stood slowly in case she was dizzy.  "Please if you'll allow me to call my ride."

Fifteen minutes later, they were alerted to Brendon's arrival.  The topic had moved on to a less confusing subject.  "Where did you learn Korean?"  SoEun asked as they descended the stairs back to the lobby.

 - "I have good friends that are Korean."

 - "In New York?"

 - "Yes...and Seoul."

 - "Ah, have you been there?"  Jae Rim asked her.

 - "Yes...I have."

 - "It sounds like you'd want to go back?"

 - "If I could I'd be there in a heartbeat," Ilana said not understanding why.  Would Jihoo have gone back to Seoul instead of New York?

SoEun thought Ilana looked worried all of a sudden.  "Is Seoul where your heart is Ilana?"

 - "Deh," Ilana said with certainty.

 - "Be anxious of nothing but in all things through prayer and supplication.  Perhaps God will bless you with that trip to Seoul soon."  SoEun hugged her.  "Come visit us on Sunday, we'll be praying for you.  There is a day in our lives when it's too late to come to Jesus, don't wait."

Ilana inclined her head and left with Brandon.

Having been worn out from her visit, Ilana slept up to and past dinner; this was not an uncommon occurrence in the last few weeks.  Nana and Suzy would find a way to get some nutrients into her later.

January 10, 2015

 - "Sarang."

A voice woke Ilana from her sleep in the middle of the night.  Her heart was pounding and was unable to get back to sleep.  Wanting to go for a walk but feeling dizzy, she left her room and turned the light on in her parent’s suite.  She stared at the picture hanging on the wall.  "No matter how hard I pray, I'll never get this back.  I'll never be able to have this.  What good could ever come from my choices?"  Ilana walked over to her Mother's antique writing desk near the window.  Her Mother had kept a 5x7 photo of their wedding picture, a vase and a single flower on the desk.  Inside was a journal of random thoughts, poems, music, and scribbles.  Her Mother was what Jane Austen's world would deem accomplished.  She sang, she played, and she danced, could embroider and hold her own in any conversation, and was beautiful on top of it all.  Opening the desk for the first time since she was little, she stole a sheet of stationery and her Mother's favorite pen.  Ilana smiled, seeing that the pen still worked.  Knowing it was Nana's doing and not some magical force, she began to write.  Not really knowing why or to whom until several lines later.  In the morning, they would find her asleep head down on the desk and Joy in her lap.  Her letter, already addressed, would be taken to the post office by the founder, later that day.

It was easy to break both Jihoo and Ilana's lease, thanks to Ilana's attorney.  Jihoo informed him he was surprising his fiance while she was home visiting in Los Angeles.  He was sure the attorney would not know the truth of Ilana's return home and Jihoo backed up his phone call with all the documentation showing Ilana as his legal wife.  It was these small details that had to be taken care of.  In the last few days, he reviewed patient files and called in those patients that needed to be seen and those that didn't, he called to say goodbye.

Jihoo stood in the middle of his apartment trying to figure out where to start.  Personal pictures were being picked up to be shipped back home.  Clothes he planned to keep were packed, the rest were being sent to a consignment shop as well as kitchenware and furniture.  His apartment was just about done but there was still a lot to do in Ilana's.  He planned to leave in the morning but just might have to wait another day.  He could always get a first-class flight on Korean Air or Asiana, they were rarely booked.

About to tackle his kitchen, the doorbell rang.  Who would be ringing his door at eight on a Sunday morning?  Shocked to see not only Jaejoong in the viewfinder but SangWoo and SungRung.  Opening the door, "Wae?  Hyeong, Noona, Jaejoong?  What are you guys doing here?"

 - "Aish!  Dude, like we're going to let you try to finish packing two apartments on your own."  Jaejoong said.

 - "Oh."  Jihoo was even more speechless than ever.  "Kansamnida, I would've managed, even if I had to take a different flight."  He ushered everyone in.

 - "So you don't have to change your plans, we've come to help," SungRyung said.  "And I know you probably haven't eaten yet or properly since your return.  I brought breakfast."

 - "Deh, we don't need Jihoo picking up his wife's bad habits."  Jaejoong earned himself Jihoo’s usual irritated look which was exactly the reaction he wanted.

SungRyung busied herself pouring out seaweed soup and rice in paper bowls so as not to create dishes.

 - "Jihoo, what needs to be done?"  SangWoo asked as they ate.

 - "Ilana's apartment still has a long way to go, my kitchen and other things that are getting shipped to Seoul.  Jaejoong, Ilana has her saddle; can you keep it for her?  It was handcrafted and I wouldn't want anything happening to it.  The leather needs to be occasionally treated and I'm sure she wouldn't mind Isabel using it."

 - "Sure, I can do that.  I've been wanting to give Isabel riding lessons.  This is the perfect excuse."

After breakfast, Jaejoong and SangWoo began to finish packing Jihoo's apartment, while he walked over to Ilana's with SungRyung.  "It's been hard on you hasn't it?"  SungRyung asked.  "I see you've only packed the kitchen, bathroom and guest room."

 - "Deh, they are the rooms we spent the least amount of time in.  I didn't realize it until you said something.  I already have a box packed with the things I'm sending home.  The consignment and storage trucks are coming late this afternoon.  If I didn't finish, I'd have to schedule another pickup.  Kansamnida."

 - "Anieyo, Noona is here for you."

 - "Kansamnida, for your friendship and support these five or so years.  Keep Jaejoong on task for me while I'm gone."

SungRyung laughed.  "My work is done there Jihoo, I just have to pray for Ilana and that you two will be reunited soon.  Gwenchana, God has his hands on her.  I firmly believe that He pursues us and he has an appointment set with Ilana and he'll go out of his way to meet her."

Jihoo pondered SungRyung's words as they worked and felt a peace come over him.  It didn't mean he wasn't sad but he can face each day, knowing God was in control.

Only occasionally during the day did Jihoo have to stop before strong emotions overcame him.  He decided to send her gowns to Seoul and unfortunately with each gown memories of her wearing the gown threatened to undo him.  Her blue taffeta which was the first he ever saw her in, the taupe gown worn at Suzy's wedding and his birthday and of course the bridesmaid dress.  She had given him her first full kiss on the lips.

SungRyung found him in Ilana's closet with a far-off look on his face and the bride's maid’s gown clutched in his hands.  "Jihoo-yah, I'll pack the gowns and a few random outfits, you finish packing the living room."  The rest of Ilana's closet would go into a mobile closet and her Jewelry in his luggage.

The four worked all day, only stopping for lunch that Abigaíl and Isabel brought in the afternoon.  Jaejoong didn't allow Abigaíl to lift a thing after lunch.  She and Isabel contented them with sealing the boxes and labeling them.

 - "Ajussi!" Isabel wined.  "Kajima!  Wait for tía here."

 - "Mianhae Isabel-ah, I wish I could hajiman it's hard enough being in two places, I can't be in three."

Isabel was almost in tears.  "Yah, don't make me remember your sad face.  Tía Ilana is letting you borrow her saddle and Isabel Appa is going to buy you a horse."

 - "Dr. Jihoo!"  Abigaíl interjected.

 - "Chincha, Appa?"  All tears now gone.

 - "Mmm, since Ajussi said so, it must be true."  Jihoo maintained his poker face, while Jaejoong threw him a dirty look.

 - "Wau!  Umma did you hear that?"  Isabel was jumping in excitement, while Abigaíl threw deadly stares at both her Husband and his friend.

 - "Gwenchana Abi-ssi," SangWoo joined to help his wife's dongsaeng-deul.  "You don't want a beautifully handcrafted saddle to be wasted on a school horse."

 - "SangWoo, not you too?"

 - "Give up, Abi dear, the men are going to stick together," SungRyung said.  "Jaejoong-ah, treat your wife to a pretty dress or jewelry and she won't be so angry at you."

 - "Greomyo!  Isabel Umma, we'll go shopping after work tomorrow if you're up to it."

 - "Maybe...," Abigaíl wasn't going to let him win that easy.

 - "Anae is playing hard to get."  He made a big show about kissing her.  "Muah!  JaeWook Umma is so cute!"  He kissed her forehead for emphasis.

 - "Hey!  Who's JaeWook?"  Abigaíl asked confused.

 - "Adeul, it just came to me."

 - "What does it mean?"

 - "Well, Jae is wealthy and Wook is sunrise.  He'll have the same light that first drew me to his Umma."

 - "To be young newlyweds," SangWoo grinned at his wife.  "Thank goodness we were never that cheesy."

 - "Perhaps we better ask Adeul before we declare ourselves not guilty," SungRyung replied.

Jihoo gave a half-smile at the scene before him.  He vowed to stay strong, this was different from JanDi.  Ilana was his wife and he was not going to let her go.  Ilana can't run that fast, so if God is pursuing her, it won't be long before he catches up with her.

Los Angeles, CA

By the time Brendon was back from early morning mass with Nana and Suzy (JungMin could not be prevailed upon to wake up); Ilana was awake and getting dressed.  The wonderful smell of Nana's cooking greeted her as she came downstairs but she still didn’t have an appetite.

The three were surprised to see her dressed and out of bed so early.

 - "Niña, se te ofrece algo (Do you need something, dear)?"  Nana asked

 - "Buenos Días (good morning), Brendon I need you to take me somewhere..."

An hour later, after being pleaded with to eat a little food before leaving, Brendon was pulling up to Pastor JaeRim's Church.  Why Ilana woke early with a strange desire to come, she didn't know.  "Sarang," she kept hearing a sweet melodic voice in her sleep.  She first thought it was Jihoo's voice but on further reflection, realized it wasn't.  This morning her first thought was to visit with Pastor JaeRim and SoEun, even if it meant attending services.   So many thoughts had swirled in her head, enough to make her dizzy.  Now they were parked in the small Church parking lot.

Ilana took in several deep breathes.  Her heart was hammering, making it difficult to breathe.  "Brendon, could you stay with me?"

Brendon felt a bit uncomfortable with the idea of attending a Church service that wasn't Catholic but Ilana was his employer; he couldn’t really say no.  It wasn’t that she would force him if he felt that strongly about it but she needed all the support she could get at the moment.  "Of course, Miss."  Brendon got out to open her door and escorted his employer/almost little sister to the back door of the Church.

They were welcomed into the building warmly and enthusiastically and shown into the sanctuary.  Ilana would be entirely too nervous to remember anyone's name.

 - "Ilana!"  A female voice called out to her.

 - "SoEun-ssi," Ilana inclined her head.

 - "Mrs. Sarah, right?"  Brendon said.  "I'm sorry; I can't pronounce your other name."

 - "That's perfectly fine Brendon."  Ilana was impressed SoEun had remembered Brendon’s name on only one introduction.  "I told Ilana she doesn't need to be so formal.  You can call me Sarah."

 - "It's good practice for me to use your Korean name," Ilana looked away not knowing why she said that.  What did she need her Korean for?  Everyone she knew spoke English.

 - "I'm so happy you came.  Where would you like to sit?"

 - "I'll just sit in the back.  I was just really hoping we could talk."

 - "I'll come to you after service.  Are you sure you won't sit with me in the front?"

 - "A-anieyo, I'm fine."

 - "Alright," she pouted.  "But you don't have to sit all the way against the wall.  You can move closer."

 - "Gwenchanayo."

 - "I hope you like the service, I'll see you after."

Once SoEun left, Ilana sat down with an exhale.  "Miss?"

 - "I'll be alright."

The service began and Ilana was surprised to see Pastor JaeRim holding a guitar.  She soon lost herself in the music of the band.  The lead singer had a beautiful voice and so did Pastor JaeRim.  Each song did a cracking of Ilana's wall of anger toward God.  It was as if he was trying to tell her something but her stubborn heart still didn't get it.

One particular song was Ilana's undoing.

He is jealous for me

Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree

Ilana gasped at the comparison.

Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy

 - "If he were merciful he would've taken me with my parents.  I didn't bend, I broke!"  She shouted in her mind.

When all of a sudden

I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory.

 - "My afflictions can never be eclipsed."  The song went on despite her inward conflict.

And oh, how he loves us

Oh, how he loves us.

How he loves Ilana

Ilana for sure decided she was going crazy.  She clearly heard her name in the song.  "You never loved me!  I begged you to take me with my parents and you didn't!"

"For God so loved Ilana that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him will not perish but have eternal life."

Snippets of conversations began to flood her mind.

  - "Did you know your name means tree?"

 - "Ilana is my precious tree that grows more beautiful with each tear she sheds."

 - "Don't you know you're a tree that has survived the flood waters?"

 - "She will be strong, beautiful, and wise like a tree."

 - "Kansamnida for becoming my tree that I can share my garden with."

Brendon looked at her and knew she was struggling.  Was this going to be the day she put aside all her demons?

Ilana felt her head was going to explode at any moment.  She still didn't realize she was actively talking to the one that could save her.

And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss

Ilana remembered when Jihoo first grazed his lips across hers.

And my heart turns violently inside of my chest

Ilana's heart was certainly doing that.  She was going to pass out at any moment.

I don't have time to maintain these regrets

Regrets?  Her whole life was regret.  "Why didn't you kill me sixteen years ago?"

When I think about the way

He loves us

 - "Sarang..."

Unable to control herself any longer, she ran out of the sanctuary, with Brendon right on her heels.

 - "Miss Ilana!"  Brendon crouched down where Ilana had dropped by the stairway sobbing and struggling to breathe.  "Miss Ilana, I'm going to call Mrs. Suzy."

Ilana didn't respond, just continued sobbing.

In the meantime, the ushers had mobilized and informed the Senior Pastor and his wife.

SoEun overheard the conversation.  "I know who that is; I'll go to her immediately."

A minute later, SoEun was in front of Ilana and Brendon.  "What happened?"

 - "She's having an anxiety attack."  An usher came and handed Brendon some wet paper towels.  "Thank you," he said.  "I can't really move her until she calms down."

 - "Ilana dear," SoEun said calmly.  "Don't fight it.  I think Jesus is calling you.  Don't harden your heart to his love."

She'd taken a chance on love and failed.  How can she succeed with an unseen God?

 - "Sarang."

Ilana covered her ears.  That voice.  Why was it calling her?

 - "Brendon, let's get her to Jonathan's office upstairs."

 - "I need to call her friend who is a nurse," he said.

Once ushered into the office, Brendon dug through Ilana's purse to see if she had any medication, per Suzy's instructions.  "Miss Ilana, take your anxiety medicine."  He handed her the pill while SoEun held a cup of water for her.

Coherent enough to understand, she took the medication.  Her head and chest really felt like they would explode.  Despite the warm clothing, she trembled with cold and could be felt in her hands.

After she calmed enough to be able to speak, "gwenchana, mianhae.  I think I'll be okay once I get home."  The tears hadn't quite stopped.

 - "Do you want to talk about it?"  SoEun asked.

Ilana shook her head, 'no', but was disconcerted enough to want to actually talk.  If only to try and rationalize what was happening to her.

 - "I'm going crazy, I think."

 - "I think the enemy wants you to think that."

 - "Who is my enemy, why?  Is it myself?  Why am I at war with myself?  I thought I was okay now and I could finally be free of everything but it didn't work that way.  It still haunts me, controls my life."

 - "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

 - "My Nana told me that the day I left home two years ago."

 - "She's a wise woman."

 - "The thing is why should I believe he cares for me?  He took my parents leaving me alone and to fall prey to...to...never mind."

 - "Please tell me, if you can.  I promise nothing will leave this room.  Open up to me; tell me why you're angry at God?"

 - "Ladies, if you'll excuse me," Brendon got up from his seat.  "I think this conversation would flow better if I weren't in the room."  He really had no desire to hear the story.  Ilana has always been like a little sister to him and when his Father called him to say she'd been abducted he wanted to come home immediately and help find her.  Thank God Enrique got involved and they eventually found her.  He stepped out of the room and back down to the sanctuary.  He needed to have a good heart to heart with the man upstairs.

 - "It's just you and me now, Ilana.  I gather it's a sensitive topic."

Ilana shook her head 'yes'.  Did she want to go into it yet again?  How many more times does she need to repeat it?

 - "You know, the longer you keep it inside of you, it festers and makes you sick.  If you let it out you're able to breathe again."

 - "SoEun-ssi, I get it.  The plane crash was human error and maybe God didn't deliberately take my parents from me but being left without them, left a void in my heart that was never filled until recently.  But even then...I couldn't retain it.  A path had been laid out for me, I would've followed Umma but my days that had been so happy became dark and long.  I wanted a different life, to be a different person.  I decided to turn off Ilana and become Kathleen.  That choice led me to a world I knew nothing about and was powerless to fight."  Ilana slowly recounted everything about her abduction, including Kike's help and the birth of the Ricky Martin Foundation.  "...I'll never be normal.  I'll never be able to be a wife."  While not sobbing, Ilana's tears still flowed freely down her face.  SoEun held Ilana's hands and let the tears run unhindered from her own face.

 - "Ilana," SoEun sniffled.  "There's always something to be gained from every trial.  You lost your parents at a young age, now you can comfort another child who's lost a loved one."

Ilana thought of Jihoo and how they were able to bond over their shared grief.

 - "As for the rest.  Oh Ilana, what you must have suffered.  I'm so sorry but you can be one hundred percent free of that shame and guilt that won't let you free.  Yes, you lied and let yourself be influenced by those false friends but you didn't ask for, nor willingly participate in the rest.  As for God's glory in that dark time?  The foundation came out of it.  Your experience is saving children all across the world from falling into a similar fate."

This was true, the foundation she was the unwilling face of.  She was the reasons it was begun, so that other kids didn't have to go through her same torment.

 - "We're all sinners, Ilana, not one sin is greater than the other but when we confess, He removes our sins as far from us as the east is from the west."  Ilana was listening dutifully which encouraged SoEun.  "Do you know what Jesus did for us?  For you, Ilana?  He shed his blood on the cross for our sins.  For the lies, you were going to tell, for that cut on your wrist and any future sins that might come up.  Without his sacrifice, none of us could get to heaven.  If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved, the Bible says.  Do you want to be Free from all that ?"

 - "Sarang eeliwah (come)," Ilana heard the soft voice say.

 - "Yes, yes I do."  She could no longer do it on her own; she was tired of struggling, tired of the anxiety.  She'd always believed in God but was angry at him for the events in her life.  Perhaps it was time to rekindle that relationship with Him. 

Alright!  A step in the right direction for Ilana:  make peace with God.  We'll pick up next chapter with Jihoo in Seoul.  What's everyone going to say?  What's Harabeoji going to say?  Will he tell him about the letter?

I don't have a single word written for the next chapter yet, so it might take me longer.  No PM again this chapter I have to go in 15 minutes.

Thank you STARZ Shoppe for the poster.