February 26, 2014

Ilana repeated her actions from the previous morning.  Waking up in fright, she stood in her patio inhaling deep breaths of cold air.  It was colder than the previous day, but twenty degrees felt much the same as twenty five-just plain freezing.  Once she was numb from the cold, she made tea and fall asleep on the kitchen table.

Ilana's stomach was in knots.  She had to eat but didn't have an appetite.  She had forced herself to eat dinner, but now had absolutely no desire for breakfast.   Having an accountability partner, she knew, would make her eat.  Unable to sleep, she was already dressed and text Dr. Jihoo as soon as her alarm went off.

Ilana:  Let's get breakfast, my treat, juseyo.  *aegyo*.

Ilana was working on hiding the dark circles under her eyes and trying harder to blend it all in so as not to alert a certain suspicious Doctor.  It was about this time when she received Jihoo’s response.

Jihoo:  I just woke up.  I can be ready by seven.  See you then.

Jihoo wondered what was going on.  She had been preoccupied the evening before, but now she wanted to go out.  Ilana never wanted to go out for food unless he coaxed her out.  Neither really spoke on their way; Ilana assumed they would be eating at the hospital cafeteria.  She was deep in thought and realized they weren't heading towards the hospital.  "Where are we going?"  Ilana asked.

 - "Maison Kayser."

 - "Arraso," Ilana hoped they weren't late.

They both ordered the quiche and sat to eat.

 - "Gwenchana?"  Jihoo asked.  She'd only taken a few bites and was now fiddling with her fork.

 - "Mmm?"  She was only physically there.

Jihoo took some quiche in his fork.  "Open."

 - "Huh?"  Taking advantage, he stuck the fork in .  "What was that all about?"  She covered as she chewed.  Meanwhile, Jihoo was readying the fork for another assault.  "Hajimaseyo!"

 - "You aren't eating, so I'll feed you."  She took the fork and began to eat.  "Do you want to tell me what's wrong?  I can tell you didn't sleep again."  His look of concern would have opened the most stubborn mouth but Ilana didn't want to burden him; this was her problem, not his.

 - "I've just had some things on my mind."

He gave her the 'what things?' look.

She smiled at him.  "Gwenchana, just things, stop looking at me like that!"

 - "I don't know what you mean?" He said innocently.

 - "Never mind," she continued eating until her quiche was gone.

By the end of the day, Ilana had a growing headache.  She couldn't go on like this for another month.  Perhaps she would ask Nana.  Who knows, maybe she could match her with Harabeoji.  She grinned to herself.  Brendon had always been good to her as well, but who would take care of Nana.  Nana had plenty of friends in the neighborhood and Ilana could always hire a temporary driver for her.  She waited for Dr. Jihoo, who was still doing rounds.  He had called a meeting earlier and it had put him behind schedule.

Jihoo checked in on his last patient for the day, who was a talkative sweet Grandmotherly lady.  He thought she would never let him leave.  Still grinning, he left the room to fetch his charge.  He spotted her leaned back in her chair with her eyes closed.

 - "Kaja."

Ilana hadn't heard his approach and nearly jumped out of her seat in fright.  "Dr. Jihoo!  Did you sneak up on me for a reason?"

 - "Deh, I'm taking you for galbitang."

 - "Meori apayo (headache)," Ilana whined.  She was irritated with herself and cranky.

 - "Ara," he smirked.  "That's why we're going for galbitang."  Ilana couldn't argue with him even if she had the energy to.

The soup did wonders for her nerves and Dr. Jihoo's presence was always a soothing balm for her.  With his smile, kindness, and musicians hands he could chase her hurt away.

 - "Gomawoyo," Ilana said.  They had arrived at her door, mood much improved.

 - "Are you feeling better?"

 - "Deh."

 - "Get some rest."

 - "Dehhh, Ajussi Uissa."

 - "Do you want to tell me what's bothering you?"

 - "Anieyo, I told Kike Oppa, I'd figure it out on my own."

 - "Ilana-yah," he put his hands on her shoulders.  "Wae do you always have to do everything on your own?"

 - "Because…for almost the last ten years, I've not been allowed to make my own decisions."  Jihoo couldn't help but draw her in for a hug.  The pain he saw in her eyes was too much for him.

 - "Part of making your own decisions is learning when to ask for help."  He reluctantly let go, because if he held her much longer he wouldn't.  "Jalja.  I'll see you in the morning."

 - "Jalja," she waved, walking into her apartment.  Leaning against the door, she sighed.  "He's going to be my undoing.  One day I won't be able to stop myself from telling him everything.  Then what?  I'll lose another person in my life."

Jihoo was restless that evening.  He should be happy; Ilana was opening up to him.  What she didn't say with words, she said with her actions and her eyes and at times with what she didn't say.  He could almost say she was an open book for him, that he was getting skilled at reading.  Almost.  There were still things he didn't understand like 'who did she mourn for?' and things he understood and wished he didn't like the pain he noticed in her eyes from time to time.  The rest of the evening Jihoo played his violin, it was his outlet for all frustrations.  Perhaps another time he could play for Ilana, at the moment she needed the rest. He hoped she found a solution soon before she hurt herself again.

February 27, 2014

Thursday and Friday went by in a blur for Ilana.  The same pattern was repeating itself day after day.  She woke in panic one or two times a night and after gulping in deep breaths of the freezing night air, made herself tea and fell asleep at the kitchen table.  Other than tea and toast, this morning she skipped breakfast.  Her headache had woken up along with the rest of her.

Jihoo looked at her disapprovingly.  Others may not be able to see how she hid under her makeup but he could.  Ilana knew he was staring at her and refused to look up at him.  They were in the hospital elevator alone.   Jihoo took her hand and she had to look up at him.  She felt as if a warm blanket was being wrapped around her.

 - "I'll be on the floor all day if you want to talk."

 - "Arraso," she smiled at him.

 - "Let's have lunch, that way I make sure you eat."

  - "I've been eating."

  -  "Why is your face so thin all of a sudden," he took her face in his hand.

  - "Yah, people are going to get the wrong idea."  Ilana pulled out of his grasp laughing.

 - "Would that be such a bad thing?"  He wondered.

He dropped her off at her desk before continuing to the office he shared with the other Doctors on the floor.

 - "Abi-ssi, if your hubae misbehaves, let me know."

 - "Don't worry, I will,” Abigaíl responded with a grin.

Jihoo couldn't resist messing her hair before walking off.

 - "Yah, brat!"  Ilana was left to fix the comb that became dislodged during the attack.  Everyone couldn't help but smile.  Their own Dr. Jihoo had come out of his shell and taken their newest team member with him.

 - "Those combs are new, aren't they?  They're very pretty."

 - "Yes, I just got them."  Ilana didn't say where or from whom she had gotten them.  She buried her face in her monitor before Abigaíl noticed the tell-tale blush on her face; her headache lay forgotten for the moment.

Lunch was an interesting affair.  Jihoo had to cancel due to an emergency patient.   In his place, Dr. Jaejoong insisted on joining Abigaíl and Ilana.  Ilana had resolved to text Brendon and ask him if he could make the trip to South Korea with her; she was now awaiting a response.

Jaejoong was right and neither Abigaíl nor Ilana spoke while they ate. Abigaíl ate quickly and was done with her food before Ilana had even taken a second bite.

 - "Chica, I'm going to get the chile.  One of the cooks makes it and it's really hot."  Ilana hadn't taken a second bite but was industriously chewing her index finger, while toying with her food and simultaneously glancing at her phone.

 - "Mmm?"  Ilana looked up to see both Abigaíl and Dr. Jaejoong staring at her.

 - "Ilana-yah, chewing on your fingers is not a good idea with your anemia."  Jaejoong had been watching Ilana while telling Abigail about his Mother's plans for an all-female outing.

 - "I washed my hands before coming to lunch," Ilana shrugged, too preoccupied to care.

 - "Dr. Jaejoong, make her eat and I'll ask Jose for his chile."

 - "I'm eating, I’m eating!"  Ilana was slightly annoyed.

How could she eat with her stomach in knots?  Why hadn't Brendon text her back?  He said he had a race in March, but needed to check the schedule.  He was an amateur race car driver.  What else does a chauffeur do on his spare time?  She couldn't order him to accompany her.  He and Nana may get a paycheck from her every month, but they were family first.

 - "Ilana-yah has been making great progress; don't blow it by being worried over something."

 - "I'm not..."

- “Yes, she is," Abigaíl cut her off.  "You've been distracted all week and the only reason you've been eating at all is because I threatened to tell Dr. Jaejoong."

 - "Tattle tale.  I ate most of my lunch, can I go now?"

 - "Ilana-yah, whatever you're dealing with, you have friends to confide in."

 - "Ara, I've got a plan.  If that doesn't work, well, I'll need help."

 - "Promise you'll ask for help?"  Abigaíl asked.

 - "Yeees!"  Ilana left the two and filled a cup of hot water for tea.  Her headache had returned.

Much too cold for the rooftop, Ilana sat in the stairwell with her head down on her knees.  She only had a few more minutes of her lunch hour left and hoped to spend them in peace and quiet.  After a few minutes, Ilana had calmed herself once again.  She was about to leave her comfort zone when her phone rang.

 - "Brendon!  Please tell me, you're available?"  Brendon stayed quiet for a moment.

 - "Miss, I have an event that Monday.  If you are willing to change the dates of your trip...or just tell me:  Brendon, you must accompany me to South Korea.  I'll cancel the race."

Ilana was touched that he would consider canceling for her.  But she couldn't do that, nor was she willing to compromise the days she would be going and returning.  "Brendon, you know I can't order you.  It might become a habit."  She heard him chuckle.  "It's too long of a trip for Nana with her arthritis.  I'd ask Gloria but how will she explain to Juan Carlos she needs to fly to New York?"

 - "Gloria would be a good choice but like you said, we don't need Juan Carlos involved.  He'll just blow the entire thing out of proportion."

 - "If I'm desperate and truly think I can't do the trip alone, I'll ask her or change the dates of the tickets."

 - "I'm willing to cancel, just let me know."

 - "Thank you, Brendon, give Nana my love."

Jihoo was coming down from the seventh floor and heard the last few words Ilana said.  He wondered who Brendon was.  He heard her sigh and wondered if everything was well back home.

 - "Ilana-ssi?  Gwenchanayo?"  Jihoo sat on the step next to her and placed a comforting hand on her back.

 - "Goyangi (cat)!"  He had come out of nowhere and was now sitting next to her.  "Gwenchana," she dismissed his concern.  "I was just hoping someone back home could help me with something but he doesn't think he'll be able to."

 - "Ilana-ssi is disappointed."

 - "Anieyo...just with myself."  Her eyes opened wide, realizing she spoke out loud.  Why did he have that effect on her?  She scrambled to her feet, but Jihoo prevented her from leaving by grabbing her hand.

 - "Ilana-yah, wae are you disappointed in yourself?"  He spoke to her informally, hoping to coax her into telling him what was worrying her.

 - "Dr. Jihoo is going to get us in trouble."

 - "Chingu hanging out in the stairway, what's wrong with that?"  She raised her eyebrows at him incredulously.  "Anja, if anyone asks we're having one of our 'counseling' sessions'."  He gave her a mischievous smile.

She gave in and sat.  "I wish I could be strong like you.  Look at all you do, you run a hospital floor, see patients, and then travel back and forth to Seoul each month and tackle a month's worth of problems in one week."

 - "We aren't talking about me, why can't you?"  Jihoo never considered himself to be strong.  He was in this crazy situation because he thought he was a coward.

 - "I just don't have that drive; I get frightened easily and just give up."

He knew she was no longer next to him but in a world composed of her own fears.  "Ilana-yah, just tell me what's worrying you.  You can do anything you set your mind to."

 - "Thanks for the vote of confidence," she smiled at him.  "Anieyo, I can do this myself."  When he was by her side, Ilana thought she could do anything.  But when she was alone, all her fears kicked in.  Maybe she could shrink him and put him in her pocket for the trip.  She giggled at the thought.

 - "Wae?"

 - "Anieyo, I'll let you know the outcome, nae jageun goyangi.  Fighting!"  Ilana took advantage that he was in arm's reach and messed his hair.  She ran off before he could stop her.  He remained seated for a few minutes grinning.

He emerged from the stairway and ran into Jaejoong and Abigaíl.  Lost in conversation, they made Abigaíl a few minutes late returning from lunch.

 - "Jihoo-ah!"  Jaejoong spotted his colleague and friend.  "How did it go with the ER Patient?"

 - "Choahyo, I'm keeping him overnight for observation."

Jaejoong thought he noticed a smile on Jihoo's face and but he had quickly schooled his face to his usual polite indifference.

 - "Dr. Jihoo, is Ilana back at her desk by chance?"  Abigaíl asked.

 - "I believe she was heading back, last I saw her.  I'll be leaving first.  I have more work to do."  Jihoo walked away, but not before Dr. Jaejoong saw a telltale smile.

 - "Did you see Dr. Jihoo smiling?"  Jaejoong asked.

 - "Yes, do you really think...?"  Abigaíl didn't want to spread rumors, but it was becoming more and more apparent that Dr. Jihoo and Ilana were getting very close.

 - "That they're closer than they want to admit, even to themselves?"

 - "Exactly."

 - "We can show them how it's done?"

Abigaíl looked at him, opened and then closed it.  She walked away bright red.  Arriving at her desk, she saw that her friend was already working, with a hint of a smile on her face.  All traces of her bad mood now gone.

 - "Feeling better?"  Abigaíl asked.

 - "Yes, sorry I was acting like a brat.  I've been stressing out over something and I'm cranky."

 - "Nooo..."  Abigaíl teased.

Ilana stuck her tongue out at her friend.  They both shared a laugh and went back to work.

The rest of the day was stress-free.  Ilana had resolved to make the trip alone.  All she had to do was think good thoughts, right?

The evening was very cold.  A storm was coming in.  By the time Jihoo and Ilana had left the hospital, temperatures were in the mid-teens (-9c).  It would be a very cold weekend.

 - "Come over and I'll make Tteok-Mandu Guk.  It will take about an hour.  I'm on call this weekend but even if I get a call, you can watch it and we can eat when I get back."

 - "You're brave.  How do you know I won't burn the soup and the apartment down?"

 - "I trust you."

Ilana smiled, those three words warmed her heart.  She was happy she came to New York.  It felt good to be found competent for a change.

The first and only time she had been to Jihoo’s apartment, she ran out crying, making her feel a little awkward at the thought of visiting again but she didn't want to be alone.  All her resolve left her as soon as she got ready for bed.  Today, she hoped to keep it a little longer.

Ilana watched in fascination as Jihoo prepared the soup.  She had to admit, he was handy in the kitchen; Nana would like him.  As soon as the thought came into her head, she felt her face heat up.  Where had it come from?  If Nana weren't a good Catholic, she could swear the elderly lady had put a hex on her.  She shook her head to clear it and Jihoo caught the movement out of the corner of his eye.

 - "Pigonhaeyo (tired)?"

 - "Deh, jogeumyo, I was actually wondering how a pretty boy was so handy in the kitchen."

 - "Pretty boy?"  Ilana laughed at his sour expression.  She could tell he didn't like the label.

 - "Actually, Nana used to call me niña bonita.  Generally, the term is for the well to do, who have servants to do their bidding.  Also used for lazy kids who didn't like to do their chores."

 - "And which category did you fall into the 'well to do' or the 'lazy kid'?"  He looked intently into her face waiting to see if she would answer.

 - "Um...we had a moderate income I guess."  Ilana didn't know what to answer.  Would admitting she was well off, send any red flags?  Of course, she didn't realize those red flags had gone off long ago.

 - "I think Ilana was a spoiled Agassi whose Halmoni did everything for her."

 - "Anieyo, she wouldn't let me...and I was busy studying!"  Jihoo laughed at her defense and then remembered his deja vu experience.

 - "Ilana-yah, has your Halmoni or Nana, as you call her, ever come visit you in New York?"

 - "Deh, she was here for my first few weeks at the hospital."  Jihoo felt the goose bumps on his arms again.  Should he ask to see a picture?

 - "Do you have a picture?"  Jihoo asked before he'd had time to think more on it.

 - "Mmm."  Curious as to why he would want to see a picture, she grabbed her phone.  Ilana couldn't find any harm in it.  "This is her, the morning they left for California."

 - "Oh."  Jihoo got up to check the soup.  He needed to hide his shaking hands.  It was the same woman who knocked on his door.  He would always remember her kind face. 

Jihoo and Ilana were left to enjoy their dinner in peace, no one called to ask for him.  Dinner was delicious; she would definitely want that soup again.  "I think when I return from Seoul, none of my clothes will fit I'll have eaten so much."  A small wave of panic hit her; she disguised it as a yawn.

 - "Ilana-yah needs to rest.  No tweeting your friends or watching Kim HyunJoong videos when you get home."

This made her laugh; if he only knew she was spending nights in the kitchen, not tweeting or watching videos.  "I suppose it's getting late."  It was close to nine and Ilana was in no hurry to get home.  She was afraid of the night.  Despite how she felt about the trip during the day, at night it was the complete opposite.  "Do you mind if I use your bathroom?"

Jihoo thought she was reluctant to leave but she was so tired.  He wished he knew what she was fighting.

Ilana's need for the bathroom lay forgotten when she saw a hand drawn portrait of Jihoo and his parents on the hallway wall.  There were a few pictures actually; they afforded her a rare glimpse of the man who came before he was Dr. Jihoo.

 - "Dr. Jihoo, is this your parents?"  Ilana called from the hallway and Jihoo panicked.  He was so used to not having company, he had forgotten about the pictures on the wall.  He walked up to her in the hallway.  "This is daeback, who drew it?"

 - "Harabeoji."

Ilana sensed he was uncomfortable.  Could he be embarrassed?  "This wall is your treasure."  There were pictures of him and the F4 and pictures of him and his Grandfather.

 - "Deh."  He cleared his throat.

Yes, Ilana thought, he was definitely uncomfortable.  She wanted to respect his privacy; knowing what it felt like to want to keep things to herself.  Why was he here and not in Seoul with his family?  "It must be lonely to be here without family and friends; almost like leading a double life."  Thinking out loud, she quickly regretted it when he threw her question back to her.

 - "Mollah, is it?"

Ilana couldn't read his eyes.  Was he sad or upset at her for asking?  Did she cross an invisible line she wasn't supposed to cross?  Although she was confused and frightened at accidentally offending her friend, his gaze compelled her to answer.  "Anieyo, chinchayo.  I'm free here, to be someone new.  Where my previous mistakes are unknown and can't be held against me."  Ilana could hear her own heart beating in her ears.  Jihoo stayed quiet and continued to hold her gaze longer than she was comfortable with.

Finally breaking eye contact, he smiled at her.  "I believe Ilana just answered her own question."  Her confused look made his smile grow wider, "come take soup for breakfast tomorrow."

Ilana shook her head.  "Soup is not breakfast but I'll take it for lunch."

Jihoo insisted on walking Ilana to her door, in case she got lost on the way.  "Sleep, Doctor's orders."

 - "Arraso."

Jihoo pecked her on the cheek and said goodnight.

He sat on his couch contemplating the evening.  How was it his thoughts were mirrored in her eyes?  His sadness was hers and vice versa.  Not just her pain but also her joy was his joy too.  When she smiled, he was also happy.  Who was this girl?  What did her Nana mean; he would take care of her?  He was confused; for a split second, he could see himself kissing her.  Had he thought either one of them was ready, he would have.  The memory of kissing JanDi on the beach all those years ago also stopped him.  What if Ilana wasn't the one for him either?  Slowly, she was opening her heart to him but she still hadn't told him everything.  She mainly spoke in fragments leaving him to put the pieces together.  He wondered if she would stop giving him those fragments after her return from Seoul.  Deciding he had over analyzed the situation long enough, he took out his violin and began to play until his mind was once again at peace.

March 2, 2014

Ilana had a headache from the start; again she woke up screaming from a nightmare.  This was the sixth night she hadn't slept.  Last night had been the worst; she was positive she had only slept for three hours.  Why couldn't she make this trip on her own?  Several million people a day flew, why couldn't she?  Why was everything a struggle?  Ilana lost track how many cups of tea she'd drank in the last twelve hours, let alone the week.  Her hands shook from nerves and lack of sleep.

In an attempt to keep her mind busy and hopefully get tired enough not to dream, she had done her grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning all on Saturday.  Today, she was left with nothing to do which left her mind free to battle with her heart or was it the other way around?  She ate very little the day before and having no energy to make breakfast, she warmed a little of the Tteok-Mandu Guk.  The soup reminded her of Dr.  Jihoo and wondered what he was up to.  His company gave her a serenity that she really needed at the moment.  Tomorrow, she would call her cousin’s wife and set that plan into motion.  Today, she didn't want to think of her trip.

 - "Yeobosayo?"  Jihoo was getting ready to head over to the hospital.  To his surprise Ilana was calling him; he answered immediately and hoped everything was well.

 - "Hi!"  Ilana didn't know what to say, she was never the first to call him.

 - "Gwenchana?"

 - "Oh, I was just wondering if you wanted to...watch a movie later," Ilana blurted out without pausing.

 - "I'm going to the hospital but I can call you when I'm done.  Also, I'm still on call, we might get interrupted."  This was not an unpleasant surprise.  He enjoyed their time together and their conversations but he couldn't help but wonder what was up.  "Is that fine with you?"

Ilana needed a distraction now, not later.  Acting contrary to her nature, she decided to ask if she could tag along.  "Well, I can...help you with your work and we can just watch a movie on your laptop after?"

There was a sort of pleading in her voice that Jihoo couldn't say ‘no’ to, even if he wanted to; which he didn't.  His only hesitation was the weather.  A storm was coming in and he didn't want her getting too cold.   He had taken the SUV out of storage for the week but the roads were too icy, they might have to walk back.  "The weather might get rough later.  Are you sure you want to go out?"

 - "Mmm, I'm bored."

 - "Ilana-yah, I'm starting to wonder about you.  You're bored and you want to help me do reports and enter data."  He heard her laugh.

 - "Give me fifteen minutes," she said excitedly, not needing the official invite.  She needed to fix her face.  Even if he could see right through her, no one else needed to see her tired face as it was.

Ilana sat at the table in Jihoo, while he sat behind his desk.  He had been studying her as she worked.  Occasionally she would press her knuckle against her forehead.  Did she have a headache?  Her face seemed to have waned this week.  He could tell, even with the makeup she used to hide it.  He still managed to get her to smile but it didn't fully reach her eyes.  She said she would let him know the outcome of her worry but it didn't look like she was making any progress.  Why wouldn't she just confide in him?  He knew the answer to that; she wanted to give the appearance of a strong independent woman.  He couldn't blame her.  Didn't he let his friends believe he had it all together when there were days he barely survived?

Ilana was grateful for the distraction of helping Dr. Jihoo.  Most people hated paperwork or those tedious loose ends at the end of the work week.  They seem to serve no other purpose but to occupy your time.  She welcomed the disorder; it meant focusing her mind on something other than her worries.  This time around, though; it wasn't distracting her headache.  Dr. Jihoo had classical music playing softly in the background and occasionally Ilana wanted to lay her head down on the table.  If it weren't for the fact that she hoped to have a solid night sleep, she would have; she yawned and rubbed her tired eyes.

Jihoo had begun a pot of ramen and it was just about done.  He came up behind Ilana and rubbed her shoulders.  She stiffened at his touch.  "Mianhae, I didn't mean to startle you.  You look worn out, stop and eat."

 - "Dr. Jihoo did startle me a little but it's just you’re a cat!  You don't make any noise."  Jihoo smiled.  He served them ramen and sat down next to her.

 - "Goyangi choah (Do you like cats)?"

 - "Deh, although I've never had them as a pet, we just fed the strays."  She didn't mention they were barn cats.

 - "Wae?"

 - "Mollah?  When I was little, we just didn't have time to care for a pet and I was just as busy growing up."  She was too busy withdrawing from life.  She thought about mentioning her horse but felt awkward in doing so, never expecting that he would. 

 - "My horse was one of my best friends; unfortunately I don't have time to care for him anymore.  Guam JanDi does it for me; she brings him to the clinic now and then for the kids to ride.  The short trip up and down the street is good exercise for him."

 - "I ride too!"

Jihoo thought she had brightened at the subject but they were interrupted by the ringing of Jihoo's hospital phone and couldn’t continue.

 - "Deh, Saeng Jo Uissa, I'm in the medical building, give me five minutes." He terminated the call and was already grabbing his coat.  "Mianhae, I'm needed in the E.R.  I'll be back in an hour, or a little longer.  Finish your ramen and take a nap."

 -"Ka goyangi," Ilana pretended to shoo him out the door.  "You told them you'd be there in five minutes but you've spent that giving me instructions."

Jihoo grinned and walked down the hall.

Ilana felt the time pass slowly without Dr. Jihoo.  She felt uneasy; her headache was getting worse and for some reason, her heart was racing.  The next hour, Ilana tried to busy her mind on the report she was working on.  Unfortunately, her constant mistakes added to her nerves.  Why did she feel this way?  Could it be the weather?  It was getting colder but Ilana felt warm and cold at the same time.  She stood and walked to the window.  Standing transfixed, nothing could be seen, not the street, nor the buildings; the gray blanket of snow and sleet hid everything from sight.  Something caught Ilana's eye and everything outside turned to night.  Tiny lights flickered in the distance.  Over a mountain range, a plane struggling against the weather.  The plane was losing its fight and began to go down; Ilana screamed and turned from the window.  Six days of stress and inadequate sleep culminated in a sharp pain that felt like someone was bashing her with a hammer from her temples to the back of her head.

Jihoo took longer than anticipated but was now back in the medical building walking towards his office.  He heard a scream; no one else was on the floor and he had left his office door open.  He was already running.  Entering His office, he found Ilana on her knees, doubled over gripping her head in pain.  He took one of her hands and brushed her hair out of her face with the other.  She trembled from cold or fear, her breathing was fast.  She would hyperventilate soon.  "Ilana-yah…,” he rubbed her back soothingly.  "What can I do for you?"  He spoke calmly.

 - "C-close...the...the...blinds!"  She was afraid of what was out there.

 - "Arraso, try to relax."  He moved to get up but she gripped his hand tighter.

  -"Don't...let go."

 - "Deh, I think I can reach the remote."  Thankfully the remote for the battery operated blinds was within reach at the edge of his desk.  He switched her hand to his other hand and easily reached it, shutting out what little light the windows afforded them.

 - "Concentrate on your breathing now," he lifted her torso gently and leaned her against him.  He continued rubbing her back.  "I'm going to count to ten, breath with me, arraso?"

 - "It hurts."  Ilana hadn't had a migraine this severe since before she left home.

 - "Ara, but you can get through this."  For the next few minutes, he helped her control her breathing.  "Ilana-yah, do you have medication for your migraines?"

She slowly shook her head.  “I don't like...to...to take it.  I sleep for hours and can't wake up.  And I can't function normally for about a day."

Jihoo was curious as to what was prescribed and how strong.  "Do you have any with you?"

She shook her head 'yes'.  "In...my...my purse."  Dr. Jihoo's constant reassurance slowly countered the fear and cold that had hold of her.

 - "Ilana-ya, do you trust me?"  She did.  He got up onto his feet and while still in a crouched position, picked her up and carried her to the couch.  He sat her down and handed her her purse.  "I'm going to turn off the overhead lights and turn on my desk lamp."  He also shed his coat, which he still wore.

Ilana opened her eyes to a semi-darkened room.  She didn't care as long as she couldn't look out the window.  Rummaging through her purse, she found the silver pill box, containing her vitamins and one valium in case of dire emergency.  Jihoo took the pill from her and was shocked.  Not only was the dose too high but valium was not recommended as it can become addictive.  "I'm going to cut this, don't ever take the entire pill again."  He heard his voice rising and took a deep breath.  Somewhere in his drawer was a box cutter.  He disinfected it and cut the pill in half then the other half in two.  Taking the smaller of the pieces, he gave it to her along with the water bottle that had been forgotten on the table.

Ilana had been sitting with her head in her hands, trying to ignore the pain.  Nervous at taking the medicine, her heart beat quickened.  "Gwenchana, you're a little frightened, but it's not dangerous, I'll take care of you."  Nodding, she took the pill fragment; she knew he would never hurt her.  Jihoo was sitting right next to her, rubbing her back, giving her comfort.  "Hold on."  He got the pillow and quilt from his cupboard and a small vial from his desk.  He took the water bottle from Ilana and sat down at the edge of the couch, bringing the water to rest by him.  He placed the pillow on his lap and patted it.  "Lay your head down."

 - "Mwo?"

 - "Trust me; I've had migraines since my senior year in high school.  In the absence of a massage table, my lap will have to do."  He reached for her hand and tugged it.  Ilana wondered if the embarrassment was worth it.  The pain really was unbearable, taking a deep breath she did as he asked and closed her eyes so she didn't have to look at him.  He covered her with the quilt and then poured water on his handkerchief with a few drops of lavender oil.  He pressed it gently to her forehead and then the rest of her face.  She stiffened at first but the cool cloth was helping soothe the pain and the lavender helped her relax.  He lay the cloth over her eyes, not that they were open.  "I'm going to put pressure on your forehead."  With his thumbs, he began to make short firm , one after the other.

 - "A-a-ah, it hurts a little."

 - "Relax and take deep breaths," he began to hum as he worked and Ilana was starting to relax.  He worked his way to the top of her head and then the back of her neck.  The entire process only took a few minutes but between the pressure, Jihoo was applying, the valium and lavender, the pain was subsiding and Ilana was getting sleepy.  "Gwenchana?"

 - "Mmm, gomawo."

 - "Anieyo."  Jihoo replaced the cloth on her forehead and then massaged her hand.  Within fifteen minutes of this activity, Ilana was fast asleep.  Jihoo saw she was finally breathing steadily.  "Ilana-ya, are you asleep?"  There was no answer.  Jihoo leaned his head back and sighed.  "What brought that on?  Yah, you like to scare me don't you?"  He could hear the wind pressing against the windows.  This was another piece to Ilana's puzzle, but he hadn't a clue where it fit in.  Why has she had migraines since she was eleven, why was she given anti-depressants?  What happened when she was seventeen?   Was it assault?  It was a very strong possibility and it hurt him just to think of it.  He sighed.  At least she had his protection now and although it wasn't always the case, he was grateful she had finally given him her trust.  Figuring she'll need something simple to eat when she woke up, he called Jaejoong.

 - "Yah, is Eomonni available?"  Jihoo asked.

 - "Where would we go in this weather?"

 - "If a yeoja called, you wouldn't hesitate."

 - "Only a special yeoja."  Jaejoong was thinking of a very special brunette.  "What's up?"

 - "Ilana-ssi and I are at the office.  A migraine hit her; we're just hanging out until it passes.   Would Eommoni be willing to make her porridge, if she has any?"

 - "I couldn't stop her if I tried.  How are you going to get it?  You're not going to leave Ilana by herself are you?"

 - "Mullon anji (of course not), Jaejoong will drop it off."

 - "Chincha?"  Jaejoong should've seen that one coming and he knew better than to try and get out of it.  "Arraso." Jaejoong terminated the call.  "Why is he with Ilana at the office?  Hmm...you think I'm a pabo?  Keep denying it you two, no one is going to believe you."  He left his room in search of his Mother.

Jihoo smiled down at Ilana.  Occasionally she furrowed her brow; perhaps she still had some pain.  He dampened his handkerchief again and pressed it against her face, leaving it to rest on her forehead.  People wondered why he carried a handkerchief.  It was a way of communicating when words failed.  Soon, he too was asleep.

Two hours later, Jaejoong arrived at the medical building with enough porridge to last Ilana a day or two or to share with his introverted friend.  He unlocked his own office door as he didn't have the key to Jihoo's outer door.  He lights as he went, not even the hall lights were on.  All was very quiet as he approached Jihoo's office.  The door was open but he didn't see any lights.

 - "Yah Jihoo-ah?"  He finally walked into the office.  The only light on was the desk lamp and Jihoo was asleep on the couch, with Ilana also asleep and resting her head on his lap.  They looked so sweet and cozy.  Jaejoong didn't say a word but took out his phone and took a picture.  Yes, he was breaching their privacy but that's what they got for playing hard to get.  Since he had his heart set on Abigaíl, he thought everyone should be so lucky in love.  Jaejoong left the cozy couple to deal with the traffic and miserable weather.  Yes, Yoon Jihoo owed him for this, he would think of a suitable repayment.

Jihoo woke when he thought he heard a noise.  He may be able to sleep anywhere and sleep soundly but he was easy to rouse.  He looked down at his lap with a smile, Ilana still slept.  He wasn't about to wake her up, she hadn't slept properly all week.  He wished she would just confide in him but didn't he do the same?  Try to solve every problem on his own, even if it consumed him.  He carefully slid out from under Ilana's head, figuring he should get some work done.  There was a package on the table; it must have been Jaejoong whom he heard.  "Great, I'm never going to hear the end of it."  Jihoo one of the overhead lights and got to work.

Just over an hour later, Jihoo saw movement coming from the couch.  Ilana cautiously opened her eyes; she was still in Dr. Jihoo's office.  Jihoo waited to see if she would wake up or go back to sleep before going to her side.

 - "Gwenchana?  Let me help you," seeing that she wanted to sit up.

 - "I still feel a little achy but that hammering pain is no longer there."

 - "Choah."  He smiled.

 - "How long did I sleep?"

 - "About three hours, you needed it."

 - "Yeah, I guess I did."

 - "You want to tell me what happened?"

 - "I don't know, one minute I was standing at the window and the next I felt pain and the pain was all I could think about."

 - "Well, I want you to see Dr. Patrick and get a new prescription.  I don't even take valium, much less ten milligrams."

 - "I haven't had a migraine this bad in over a year and I only take those pills in an extreme emergency."

 - "I still expect you to see Dr. Patrick. You've been stressing over something this week.  You need to find a solution soon."

 -  "Arrayo."  He wasn't condescending, just concerned; for that, Ilana was grateful.  "Gomawo, you're a good chingu, I bet the F4 are lucky to have you."

Jihoo chuckled.  "Have some porridge and then we'll call it a day."

March 3, 2014

Ilana slept surprisingly well the night before.  She and Jihoo hadn't arrived back home until eight.  They had eaten the porridge and talked, not much in a hurry to step out into the nasty weather.  Ilana realized flying by herself would be bad.  If looking out onto a snow storm had caused that much havoc, what would being in an airplane without support do to her?  The one thought that finally allowed her to sleep was:  regardless of having a companion for the trip, she would still be going.  She would not let her handicap stand between her and her best friend's wedding.

 - "Chica, I need to make a phone call."  It was time to call Gloria, her cousin's wife.  "I'm going up to the roof, I need the fresh air."  Anytime Ilana went to the roof alone, she always mentioned it to someone.  Just in case.

 - "Do you still have a headache?"

 - "A little, it's more like an ache.  Like being sore after exercise or falling."

 - "Isn't it too cold outside?"

 - "Yes but I need the privacy."

 - "If you're not back in twenty minutes, I'm calling.  If you don't answer I'm coming to get you."

 - "Yes, Mother."

Abigaíl, despite being only twenty-six, was the mother hen of the group.  She worried for and took care of all of them.  Especially Ilana.

Arriving on the rooftop, Ilana dialed Gloria's number.

The first Monday of the month was always busy with meetings.  Jihoo had a short break before he was due at another meeting.  He tried calling Ilana's desk to check on her headache but she didn't answer.  Perhaps he would just go up and see her.

She still wasn't at her desk when he arrived on the floor.  "Abi-ssi where is your hubae?  Her migraine didn't come back?"

Abigaíl dismissed the fact that he knew Ilana had a headache and smiled at him.  "She had a phone call to make, so she went up on the roof."  She could tell he didn't like that idea.  "I told her I would call her if she wasn't back in time but I'm in the middle of something, can you call her?"

 - "Oh, I'll call her right now."  Instead of calling her, his feet took him straight to the roof top.

Ilana sat on a planter that had a bit of shelter from an awning directly overhead.  Juan Carlos had answered his wife's phone.  She didn't know why but was glad she had blocked her phone number.  She immediately terminated the call.  What to do now?  She didn't want to get Gloria in trouble with her husband.  The next question was whether or not to take Brendon up on his offer to forget about his race.  She sat, letting the cold help her think.

Ilana should have been hidden from sight but her burgundy coat could be seen through the sparse bushes.

 - "Ilana-ya, what are you doing out in the cold?"  Ilana's heart jumped in momentary surprise.

 - "Goyangi,” Ilana whined.  "You enjoy sneaking up on me, don't you?"

 - "Perhaps," he took her hand in his.  "Gwenchana?"

 - "Deh, it's peaceful up here; it makes it easier to think."

 - "What is Ilana thinking?"

She sighed and shrugged her shoulders.  "You don't want to fly with me to Seoul, do you?"  Ilana pulled her hand from his and buried her face in her drawn up knees.  "Please disregard what I just said?"  She couldn't believe what had flown from .  When had that thought even crept into her head?

 - "Anieyo,” he lifted her head up off her knees.  "What's going on?  Is this what you've been worried about?  I thought your Oppa was going?"  Ilana was like a deer caught in the headlights, speechless and unmoving.  "Yah!"  He laughed at her.

 - "Kike can't go after all, and I..." she took a deep breath.  "I don't fly well."  She finally let it out.

 - "Deh," Jihoo said simply and without a second thought.

 - "Yes, what?"

 - "Yes, I'll go with you.  If you would have asked me sooner, you could have slept this week."  He would have to rearrange his schedule.  The worst they could do was fire him and he was confident enough in his abilities to know that won't happen.

 - "Jeongmal?"  Ilana managed to squeak out.

 - "Jeongmal."

Ilana's eyes began to water as she launched herself at him, surprising Jihoo.  "Kansamnida!  Kansamnida!"  She hugged him tight in gratitude; not caring about anything else.  "The tickets are paid for; they're first class."  She was still crying and holding him as if he would change his mind the second she let go.  Jihoo rubbed her back, trying to reassure her that it wasn't a big deal.  "Kansamnida!  I don't know how to repay you."  Jihoo finally pulled her away, even if it felt perfect to have her in his arms that way.  He had had the same feeling while they danced at the wedding.

 - "Cry baby," he wiped her eyes with his hands, which were very cold but she was too happy to care.  "You owe me nothing and I will buy the ticket from you."  Protest ready on her lips, he put a finger over them, which stopped her.  Her face, already reddened from the cold, turned even redder if it was possible.  "No protesting and I expect you to drop the 'Doctor'; it's Jihoo outside of the hospital.  Kaja," he pulled her hand, "Abigaíl is going to come looking for you any second."  Although he thought Abigaíl might have deliberately told him to call her, it worked out perfectly.

I had to rewrite one of the scenes twice because it somehow didn't save, then our then our laptop decided to have issues.  These last few chapters left me exhausted, so I hope you have been enjoying them.

Our Ilana still has her fears but she can mostly manage them with a little help from her friends and she's more determined to not let them rule her life.  Next up Abigail & Ilana's birthday's.  We'll see what the guys think of.

Carry on my loves: