March 2013

Sighing she mumbled:  "Hemolytic anemia." Ilana closed her eyes as if that would protect her from an illness that could threaten her life. YoungSaeng didn't know there was more than one type of anemia, so he looked from Ilana to KyuJong for some type of clarification.
-"Geurae...., your condition is dangerous...,” KyuJong spoke cautiously.  ”…but not permanent, with proper care." She looked at him expectantly. "Ilana-ssi found out just before the cruise, didn't you?" Her eyes opened wide.
- "You're not the first person who found out they were ill and then booked an expensive vacation," YoungSaeng told her when he noticed her reaction. He reached over and gave her hand a gentle squeeze.
- "Proper nutrition will go a long way in lessening your condition and help you not get sick again. What treatment was prescribed to you?"  KyuJong continued.
- "I really have been trying to take care of myself... (at least for the last few weeks she had),” she told him, ignoring the second half of his question.
- "You'll have to try harder, arasso?" KyuJong did not overlook the fact that hadn’t fully answered the question.
- "Arasso," she sighed.
- "Oh, by the way, mianhaeyo Ilana-ssi; I also have some bad news. Because of your fever, you will have to remain in your room under quarantine for the rest of the week.”

- "Don't worry; we'll be in and out of your room all day long. That way we can make sure you get the rest and nutrition you need." YoungSaeng reassured her.
- "So, really nothing's changing except for me being confined to the room." She gave them a half smile.

KyuJong and YoungSaeng looked at each other and shrugged.  "Deh,” they both answered at once.
- "Aish! So annoying!” She did her best imitation of them, which earned her a hair pull from YoungSaeng.

. - "There's one more thing I'm curious about. Why do you always hesitate in taking any type of medication? You did it when you sprained your hand and with this virus." KyuJong asked. As long as she was being open to them, he would take full advantage and ask all the questions that were forming in his head.
- "It's just me being dumb; I feel ...more comfortable with natural remedies." KyuJong wasn't going to let her off the hook, but he wasn’t going to push her either.
- "Does it have anything to do with why you got so frightened that one time?" YoungSaeng was referring to the time he had snuck up on her and tried to startle her, but he ended up being the one startled when she started having a panic attack and couldn't breathe.
- "Please don't make me say it! You'll regret me telling you. I don't want to remember! Oppa! Don't make me tell you, please?" She begged to them in her mind. "A-aniyo, mianhaeyo, I just overreacted that day," she said instead.
- "Remember, Na said if Cinderella ever wanted to talk about it, Na was here for you?"
- "Na du, we both are, Ilana-ssi." KyuJong leaned down to give her a hug.
- "I'm kinda tired." Ilana dodged the subject again. "I think I want to lie back down for a little while."
- "I'll help you"; YoungSaeng looked to KyuJong and then jumped to his feet to help her up. They knew she'd confide in them eventually and agreed for now just to show her that they really do care.

When Ilana woke the next day, Suzy was already in her room. She had ordered breakfast.
- "Good morning, you look much better today. Are you hungry?" Suzy asked.
- "I feel much better, almost normal. That smells sooo good, I'm actually really hungry." Ilana walked over to the table, where Suzy and the food were waiting.  You must be better." Suzy and Ilana ate and talked comfortably. Ilana really liked the girl and Suzy was glad to have another girl to talk too. Not that there weren't other woman crew members, she was only always working with KyuJong and then his friends become her friends and that was how she was the only girl in the group.
- "Where's JungMin this morning?" Ilana asked.
- "Probably sleeping, and from what I’ve heard, you don’t ever want to try and wake him up, if you don’t want to get hit.” This made Ilana laugh at the mental image.
- "You guys are really cute together. You really are Lady and the Tramp."
- "Gomawoyo.” Suzy smiled, picturing JungMin as some sort of Terrier.

- "Would you mind doing me a favor?" Ilana asked as they cleaned up the breakfast dishes. "Can you keep the guys away for a little while? I've been in bed for three days too long and I want a long hot bath and just some quiet time to get dressed and dry my hair.”

- "Sure, I won't leave until you’re done. Not one Oppa will get past me." They both laughed and Ilana escaped, gratefully, to the bathroom.

When Ilana emerged, all was still quiet. Only Suzy was in the room listening to music.
- "No troubles? Ilana asked Suzy.
- "Saengie and Junnie Oppa both tried to come in, but I managed to hold them back. But Uissa needs me to get back to the office, so you're on your own for a little. I'll be back later. Call me if you need anything, or if the namja drive you crazy."
- "Gomawoyo, I will."

No sooner had Suzie left, HyungJun showed up at her door. He wanted her to see the pictures he had taken in Macau and Hong Kong.
- "Oh! I love that picture of all you wearing the masques; I want a copy of this one."
- “What about this one…on the gondola?"
- " Ay, how can I choose, I want all of them."
- “Arasso, but you might need another suitcase by the time we're all done."

Ilana started to yawn; she didn't realize that she was tired until then. Her burst of energy from the morning was now over. After looking at pictures, she and HyungJun watched one of his favorite 'girly' movies: ‘Roman Holiday’. Ilana didn't know when she had fallen asleep, but when she woke the movie was over. She was still on the couch, but a pillow was now under her head, a blanket was covering her, and Teddy Bear was in her arms. Smiling at the bear, she kissed the top of its head. HyungJun was asleep on the other couch.  "We better wake up your Appa or he's going to get in trouble from Seonsaengnim,” she spoke to the bear and laughed at herself for it.  "Oppa, don't you have to work?" She patted his head with the bear's paw. "HyungJun! Yah! She had the bear smack his nose and then body slam his face. "Wake up!"  HyungJun bolted upright trying to remove his attacker from his face. The only attacker he saw was on the floor (this was very entertaining to Ilana), laughing uncontrollably as the bear went flying across the room.

- "Princess! What are you doing?"
- "Trying to wake you up," she wiped her eyes (she laughed so hard tears were falling). "Don't you have to work?"
- "Oh?" He looked at his watch. "I guess I better go." He pouted. "Choah your laugh, Princess,” he ruffled Ilana's hair and left, leaving her blushing.

The week continued and Ilana's room looked more like an airport than a sick room. The guys and Suzy came and went all day long. She would have two or three of them in her room at once. Occasionally everyone’s schedule would be free at the same time and all five would join her, those times she felt as if a bigger room would be nice. They watched movies, play games, or just sit and talk. Every time she thought she would have time to read or just sit on the verandah to enjoy the warmth by day or star gaze in the night, someone or several someones would come by.

Ilana had been lying on the bed, reading, when she realized she was by herself. It was just past seven and the stars were out in plenty, she decided to sneak out onto the verandah for some fresh air. Standing at the rail, enjoying the breeze on her face, she looked out to the seamless blue carpet.  Where the ocean ended and the sky started was indistinguishable, at least to her eyes.  She was looking forward to things resuming the somewhat normal routine that was in place prior to her getting sick.  Not being used to having people around her all the time, she was thankful tomorrow would be the last day of 'quarantine'.  She very much enjoyed everyone’s company; it was just a little overwhelming at times.

Closing her eyes, she let her senses take in the wonderful seaweed salty ocean smell and breeze. She let her mind rest from the chaos of the last week. Her sensory experience would be interrupted; after a short while, she was discovered.
- "Ilana-ssi is hiding from us?" KyuJong said playfully.
- "Deh!"
- "Are you tired of being stuck in your room?YoungSaeng asked.

- "Not really." She dragged out the 'really' as if not quite sure of her answer.
- "Mwo?" YoungSaeng nudged her. She remained quiet looking out at the stars and he nudged her again.
- "Arasso!”  She answered back, impatiently.  I’m just not used to all the attention. I used to spend as much time as possible alone." Encouraged by their silence and patient look on their face, she continued. "I think it’s been just a little overwhelming. You've made me go from craving solitude to having five shadows with me at all times." She sounded absolutely ridiculous to her own ears, she imagined to her Oppa-deul as well. She didn't dare look at either of them for fear that she might have hurt their feelings.
- "Pabo." YoungSaeng threw his arm around her shoulders like he always did. 'Pabo' was a word she completely agreed with, she was dumb, stupid, silly, irrational and more.
-"Remember I told you you'd been alone enough already?" KyuJong spoke. He was the most dangerous in Ilana's opinion; before she knew what she was doing he always managed to extract her deepest fears and painful memories.
- "Deh." She sighed. Glancing at Young-Saeng, she hoped for his help.

 - "Anieyo!" He laughed, "Don't give me that look."
- “How would Ilana-ssi have felt if we did not keep you company all this week and we called ourselves your friends?" KyuJong asked. Ilana shrugged, she knew that she lived every day expecting them to withdraw their friendship. If she expected it, she wouldn't be hurt. "Ask HyunJoong how he felt when all but one of his friends refused to sit next to him when he was really sick with the flu."
- "How sad for him, did he ever speak to those people again?" She was intrigued.
- "Fortunately for Mal, Macknae and I, yes he did." KyuJong responded. "We've grown up a little since then." He laughed at her shocked face. "Wae don't you just tell us what happened when you found out about the Hemolytic Anemia?”

- "Nothing."
- Friends, remember?" YoungSaeng softly leaned his head against hers; she'd forgotten he still had his arm around her shoulders.
- "Nothing, seriously…I woke up in the hospital and overheard my cousin telling my fiancé, at the time." She made sure to emphasize the last part, for that was a story for another day. "I was so hurt and angry that he would keep something like that from me..." She took a deep steadying breath. "I ran away before he could stop me." She heard an intake of breath from one or both she wasn't sure and felt YoungSaeng grip a little tighter as if to keep her from falling.
- "Right now, I'm not even going to go into the medical repercussions of this. Na want to hear the rest of the story." KyuJong wanted to tell her she should be under medical supervision, but then again she had been…his. "Ilana, how soon before the cruise did you find out?" He remembered for the second time in less than a week, her fainting spell when she boarded.
- "The night before..." She did not want to see KyuJong's face; he wasn't arrogant and controlling like her cousin, but his gentle concern manner chaffed at her more. "The company's in house travel department made the arrangements for me that morning. I'd gone home only long enough to pack. My brother didn't find out until we were in FT. Lauderdale; I bought a new phone in town and called him from it." Stealing a glance at YoungSaeng, he gave her his cute otter smile. "I threw my old phone and my old life (so she had thought, but it continued to haunt her) in the ocean that night."
- "Macknae was right, you are a runaway princess." YoungSaeng joked.
- "Ilana-ssi, was it really that hard to tell us?" She was afraid to look at KyuJong, she unconsciously kept moving closer and closer to YoungSaeng, making KyuJong laugh. "Paboya! I'm not going to scold you." He grabbed her shoulders and made her face him. "I told you your condition could be dangerous, but not untreatable. I'm not going to haul you off to the infirmary.' Her look was skeptical.  "...jeongmal!"
- "So is this wae you don't like taking meds?" YoungSaeng who had remained silent up until then was confused. He had preferred to be the supportive one, while KyuJong worked his magic.
- "Yah!" KyuJong felt her stiffen at YoungSaeng s question. "You only hurt yourself when you withdraw like that and keep the things that hurt you locked up inside." He took her wrist, feeling her heart beat quickening and her breathing became harder as if she was running a race. Little did he know in her mind she was already running as far as she could from them. Hurt was her old enemy, she was familiar with it, knew how to avoid it. Friendship was new and frightening; it meant exposing herself to hurt instead of avoiding it. Uncontrollable silent tears were already falling down Ilana's face. YoungSaeng put a hand on her back while KyuJong still had her hand in his.  The two guys made eye contact.

YoungSaeng nodded and KyuJong released Ilana's hand and stepped aside. YoungSaeng moved to where KyuJong had stood and pulled her tightly to himself, wrapping her in his safe embrace.  He felt her stiffen, but he held her anyway.  "Let it out, you're safe now.  We're here, now, and we want to protect you; stop hurting yourself."

Ilana felt herself crumbling, unwillingly; her walls were cracking. Sagging defeated against YoungSaeng, the memories were surrounding her and she was drowning in the flood of them. She sobbed uncontrollably now. The harder she tried to stop, the harder she cried, and the harder he embraced her. He was the only reason she was still standing. opened and slowly words began to tumble out in between sobs.
- "I was 16....I wanted.... to be someone else. So..., I thought I could pretend...to be...another self...”  KyuJong remembered her words to HyunJoong

"I tried to be someone else for a while, it didn't work for me."

- "I met...some new people...at...the beach.  I was...staying there for the summer…, alone. I wanted...to be...carefree...like them. They...got me....a fake ID, so…I could go...clubbing with them. I...met someone. I had seen him...amongst…my new...acquaintances, but...had...never...met. He seemed nice.  The fake me...wanted...to...blend in. So the pretend me, liked...the attention...even...if at times...it made me...uncomfortable. I didn't know! I didn't know!" Ilana was shaking by this time. "I didn't realize he-he...was...using drugs and alcohol...to m-m-manipulate me int-t-to doing things...I didn't...I wouldn't...never...want." Her last word came out a mere whisper. There was more, but she could no longer continue. Sobbing, she was completely depleted and feeling weak; her legs buckle under her. YoungSaeng still had his arms around her and picked her up, carried her to the bed. KyuJong was already heating water for tea.

Ilana turned her back to YoungSaeng, not wanting to face him.  They had to have understood everything she didn't say and hated her. Most days she could scarcely stand to look at herself, KyuJong and YoungSaeng would not want to see her again. She was already mourning the imagined loss of their friendship.
- "Cinderella, I've decided, you're the tree." YoungSaeng moved to the side she was facing and sat on the bed. He wiped her tears with his hand and tucked 'Gom teddy', as she had named the bear HyungJun had given her, in her arms. Taking a loose strand of hair, he tucked it behind her ear and took the hand not holding the bear in his. "You are a tree of tears that endlessly flows, like a split heart, a painful breath, a flower of tears blooms whitely. Can I forget you? How can I even forget you? It grows only by clinging on to your memories. Though the thorns of tears twist and become scarred..." He quoted the lyrics from the song he had dedicated to her. "Ilana, you don't need to swallow your pain anymore, don’t just endure it. Let it out. We are waiting for you to come back again. Remember I told you, God has watered you with his tears, and a beautiful white flower has bloomed."
KyuJong returned with a cup of tea.  "They say through our suffering God is polishing us like a precious medal.”  He’d heard loud and clear, what she hadn’t said. “Ilana-ssi is precious, never doubt it." Everything made sense to KyuJong now; her withdraw from everything and everyone, her reluctance even to take medicine for pain or fever; even the Hemolytic Anemia was most likely a result of the drugs she'd been given. "Drink some tea, it’s chamomile." Ilana didn’t turn she was still weeping and still not making eye contact. "See, here's the wrapper. You can smell it really is chamomile." If he thought she'd take it, he'd give her a sedative. He was worried this flare up with her depression would make her virus relapse.  YoungSaeng gently lifted her.

María, Heo YoungSaeng

Hello my friends, yes, I skirted around the issue. You guys can all fill in the blanks as to what happened to Ilana. There will be more to her story in later chapters. This is her first attempt at having to put her experience into words and I'm sure I wouldn't want to go into all the gory details, no matter how close I was with my friends, and Ilana still is not sure about their bond of friendship. Anyways, I didn't want to have to have an M-rated chapter if I didn't have to just yet. Any questions, concerns, don't get it, please comment. As always I very much appreciate your reading this story. It's going to be a little melancholy for one more chapter then it should perk up again... YoungSaeng’s song just goes perfectly with Ilana's story. I guess I can say that's her theme song. Next Chapter: Mourning (unofficial title, may change)