III. Redemption

I called you answered

And you came to my rescue and I

I wanna be where you are

Taken from "Came to my Rescue" by Hillsong United

There is a method to my madness, please hang in there and keep reading.  

Jihoo sat tall in the saddle as he surveyed the land from the lake.  It was a beautiful and peaceful morning.  Not nearly as cold as Seoul or New York, by those standards it was warm.  Unfortunately, his heart was not still but it helped soothe the ache just a small bit.  Every day since he received her letter, his mind and heart went through turbulent emotions.  She'd told the family she was called away on an emergency and didn't want to wake her husband.  He missed her already; this was only the third day.  He'd gone back to their room to read the letter the housekeeper had given him and sobbed when he realized it was true, most of her things were gone.  In her haste to go, she was forced to leave a few things behind.  Then he was angry at her, that she hadn't trusted him and angry at himself for not being able to anticipate her decision and stop it.  Why did he sleep through her leaving?  He'd been in tune with every noise and movement she made the last few nights, he had scarcely slept himself finally succumbed to his own sleep deprivation.  "Don't let go!"  She had cried out in fear from her nightmares, but in the end, she was the one who let go.

After his emotions ran their course for that day, he got ready and went for a ride, just like they had done the last few mornings.  He rode hard across the open land, exhausting himself and horse and not really knowing in which direction he had gone.  He didn't stop until he saw a building in the near distance.  It was a small chapel, just like the one that sat on her property in California.  Dismounting, he walked in and sat; he was sobbing within seconds.  "Wae!!!  Yesu gave her to me to love and I did!  I do!!  Wae couldn't I hold on to her?  What did I do wrong?"  He closed his eyes and was quiet, unable to do anything but cry out to the Lord from his heart.

Jihoo thought he must have dozed off.  He was startled awake by a dream or a picture in his mind.  It had to be the grief he was going through but he was reminded of the little girl he had envisioned before.  She was here on the property and he was helping her to mount a horse.  He couldn't see himself but he somehow knew that was him.

- "For still the vision awaits its appointed time, it hastens to the end - it will not lie.  If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay."

Jihoo heard a still soft voice which was what startled him.  Looking around, no one was there.  Strangely, he wasn't afraid though he felt his heart accelerating.  His mind began to spin with different thoughts.

- "I release you from your promise.  You can let go, you don't have to hold me anymore," the letter read.

- "Do you promise not to let go?  Even...even if I ask you too?"

- "...I don't know what I'd do if...if I couldn't see you again?"

- "...Na can't imagine life without you..."

- "Paboya!  Yesu, Na promised not to let her go and I did!  What if she's sick or hurt?  Where did she go?  Yesu, eotteoke?"  The tears began again.  His heart was heavy with uncertainty.  He always had the right plan; he always knew what to do.  They came to him to solve their problems, yet his own he couldn't solve.

- "For there is a time and a way for everything, although man’s trouble lies heavy on him."

Again, he heard someone talking to him or at least it felt like someone was talking to him.  It could've been, just a thought.  "Yesu, Ihaeka andoeyo (I don't understand)?"  He felt completely lost, even though it was like God was trying to tell him something.

- "It's not like you to be impulsive." Jihoo heard Harabeoji's voice.

- "Jihoo, dear, have you been in prayer about this?"  SungRyung had asked him worriedly.

- "It was too soon?  Is that what Yesu is trying to tell me?  Na just wanted her by my side," he sobbed.  

He began to recount the days and figure what went wrong.

December 25, 2014

The Emirates chauffeur had dropped them off in Catalonia at her Mother's childhood home, now theirs.  The horse farm was run by distant relatives that would be waiting for them to arrive.  She had pouted when she was finally made aware of their destination.

 -"Anae...," he gave her his "no-nonsense" look that he reserved just for her.  "Don't disrespect your parents’ wishes.  They carefully saved their heritage for you and our future family.  Gwenchana, it will be easier this time."

 - "Arraso...," she still hadn't been happy about the trip but as usual he was right.  Arriving there really didn't hurt as much, leaving was another story.

They had arrived at the house and farm roughly in the late afternoon and were greeted warmly and excitedly.  Most of the Christmas festivities had passed the night before and early that morning but knowing of their arrival, the family was still celebrating.  They had prepared a second feast just for them.  They were shown to a large rustic looking bedroom that perhaps had belonged to her Grandparents at one time.  Although they had both taken showers early that morning in the Emirates lounge in Dubai, their room had two bathrooms and were both able to freshen up again at the same time.

When Jihoo was done getting ready, he found his wife on the carpet in front of the fireplace looking at pictures.  He sat behind her, circling his arms around her and pulling her back against his chest.  As her hair was braided and out of the way he snuck a kiss behind her ear.  Still damp from that morning’s shower, her hair smelled fresh and sweet like her shampoo.  "Sarang, your hair is probably still damp in the braid."

 - "Deh, I'll dry it later.  Begopayo."

She was so beautiful to him and couldn’t resist placing another kiss on her bare neck.  This time, he let his lips linger and nuzzled her with his forehead and nose.  He felt her tremble; he smiled against her and .  "Sarang is cold?"  He brought his hands slowly down her arms.

 - "A-ani," she practically jumped.  Turning to look at him for the first time and putting a little space between them, she giggled.  "Jihoo-yah, mollah if I like your hair straight or wavy."  Since he didn't have his diffuser in his carry-on that morning, he had left his hair straight with only a bit of gel.

 - "Mmm, mollah if I like Anae's hair in a braid and can kiss you here and here," he kissed her again behind her ear and neck.  She scrunched her shoulders to ward him off.  "Or loose and Na can run my hands through it."  He entwined his finger around a wayward strand.

The look in Jihoo's eyes made Ilana stand almost a little abruptly.  "Kaja," she extended her hand.

The house was full of guests, mainly third and fourth and fifth cousins on her Grandfather's side.  Ilana didn't know any of them.  They came to give her and Jihoo small wedding/Christmas gifts, most of them homemade.  Jihoo had made all the arrangements and they had been alerted to the possibility of her arrival by her attorney.  His heart swelled with love and pride as his wife slipped into her mistress of the house/princess role.

The table was laden with all kinds of seafood and crusty rolls, sautéed vegetables, and saffron rice.  The wine was also plentiful of which Ilana still didn't partake.  After eating and over dessert, Ilana asked about the pictures in the album.  "Aquesta és la seva mare (They are your Mother)."

"Mama?"  Ilana understood even less of the Catalan language then she did Korean.

 - "Sí, de pequeña (Yes, when she was a child)," Ilana's relatives had slipped back to Spanish, seeing that she didn't understand.  "Su abuelo, solo hablaba Castellano en casa, por eso su madre le enseño Catalán (You’re Grandfather only spoke Castilian in the house, that’s why your Mother never taught you Catalan).  Vengan, les mostraré más fotos (Come, I’ll show you more photos)."  Jihoo and Ilana were led up to the library in a secluded area of the house.  The walls had several paintings of her Mother and even a few of her as a little girl.  "Mama!"  Ilana stood in front of a wall portrait of her Mother in front of the Fazoli Grand Piano.  Although tears formed in her eyes, she wasn't sad.  The portrait was very beautiful and it actually made Ilana happy to see her happy Mother.  They took time looking around the room and all the books, which made Ilana's eyes dance with glee.  Most were in Spanish but there were a few in English.  Her Mother and she must have taken after her Grandfather in their love of reading.

Following Ilana's cousin back to the living room, they sat back down to enjoy some music.  It didn't take long before the food began to settle on top of having only about an hour’s sleep at the lounge in Dubai.  Jihoo was able to sleep a little longer, not plagued by her nerves.  He was enjoying the music of the guitar until he noticed Ilana start to droop.  "Ah, perdón...mi esposa está cansada (Ah, if you'll excuse us, my wife is tired)," Jihoo stood to excuse them.

 - "A-ani!  I want to listen to the music!"  She pouted.

This made everyone laugh.  "Su marido quiere tener a su esposa a si mismo (Your husband wants his wife to himself)," one of the women teased.  "Que pasen buenas noches (Have a good night)."

 Jihoo was pulling her up, "sarang is falling asleep."

 - "Descansen, será noche larga para la Señora Ilana (Go rest, it will a long night for Mrs. Ilana)," one of the older men called out.

Ilana's cheeks were burning.  "The longer we stay, the longer you'll be teased," Jíhoo told her.

Arriving at their room, Jihoo took advantage of them being alone and kissed her softly, teasingly.  He wanted her to search for him like she did the day before.  Feeling her hesitate he didn't stop until she met his lips a little more confidently.  "Go change, Sarang," he gave her one more teasing kiss before reluctantly letting go.  She nodded, grabbed the bag the girls had packed and ran to the bathroom to change.

Ilana stared in the bathroom mirror.  JaeKyung, JanDi, and Gaeul had packed her a short full and flouncy white chemise.  They had just neglected to tell her it was see-through and the matching robe didn't help all that much.  Also in the bag were a flavored lip gloss, fragrant oil, and bath salts.  She applied lip-gloss after brushing her teeth and washing her face.  Taking a deep breath, she walked out the door twenty minutes after she first went in.

Jihoo had used the other bathroom to change into his own pajamas and of course, brush his teeth and wash his face.  He was now settled comfortably in the bed, waiting for his wife.  It was obvious she was nervous and that made him a little nervous as well.  He wanted to make her happy and know she was special to him, not an object as she was treated during her captivity.  Hearing the door, Jihoo looked in that direction.  She looked as beautiful as ever in her chemise and long robe, like a true princess.  It suited her well.  She played nervously with her braid as she walked towards the bed.  He didn't know she did that on purpose to cover herself as much as for nerves.  Jihoo extended his hand to her.  She climbed on the bed, careful to push the chemise as far down as possible, which wasn't that far.  It stopped at mid-thigh.  Had she not been short, it would barely have covered her rear.  Taking care not to get tangled in the robe, she removed it and set it on the nightstand next to her.

 - "Eeliwah (come here)."

She carefully slid over.  He was in the middle of the bed and was thankful she didn't have to go too far.

He settled her against his chest in the crook of his arm.  They were quiet for a few minutes.  He felt her heart beating rapidly against him.  Trying to relax her he rubbed her back and massaged her neck.  It seemed to be working.   "Sarang, nomu saranghaeyo," he finally spoke.   She didn't respond and he noticed her breathing had changed.  "Sarang?"  She had fallen asleep. He slid from under her and turned to her.  "Gwenchana sarang, rest.  We have the rest of our lives to be together."  He kissed her lips lightly and snuggled her to his chest.

December 26, 2014

In the morning, light flooded their room, other than that everything was still.  The house was solidly built and you couldn't hear what was happening downstairs.  Opening his eyes, Jihoo saw it was well into the morning or later.  His wife was still sleeping soundly, their legs were entwined and he held her close against him.  Her neck was right in line with his lips and he couldn't resist.  He kissed her neck slowly, then moving to her ear, he nipped at it gently.

This action immediately brought Ilana to consciousness; opening her eyes, she was startled by the hold on her waist.  She jumped involuntarily as his lips moved to her shoulder, pushing her gown over just a little.

 - "Annyeong hashiminikka (Good morning), anae," he said.

 - "Morning?"  She was still trying to wake up and process what happened or didn't happen the night before.  She turned from her side to her back and he leaned over her without hesitating.  With a hand still draped on her waist, he lips with lazy morning kisses until he finally claimed her lips with more intensity than ever before.  He felt her hesitate a little, thinking her shy.  He ended the kiss and smiled gently at her while caressing her face and neck.  "Choa, waking up next to you like this."

 - "Nado," she smiled bashfully.  "Saranghaeyo, Jihoo-yah."

"Nado saranghaeyo."  Laying his head back on the pillow, he rolled his wife toward him and kissed her slowly at first then tasted her bottom lip with his tongue, teasing open.  He felt the tremor run through her and smiled at her ‘anticipation’ or so he believed.  He continued his teasing and tasting and taking full-mouthed kisses.  She didn't deny him but neither was she participating.  He wanted so much to love her with his body and become one with her but he needed to work past her nerves for that to happen.  He satisfied his lips with hers giving her light and teasing kisses then switching to more passionate and hungry, taking them completely and caressing her back with his hands.  Stopping for a moment to catch his breath, he gave her a sweet and gentle smile.  He nuzzled her face and then grazed her lips with his, traveling along her jawline to nip at an earlobe and then down to her neck, placing feather-light kisses as he went.  She was still stiff in his arms, he moved from her neck, kissing her eyes gently.  "Gwenchana?"  He caressed her pale cheek that had just a hint of red on it.  She responded only with a quick nod of her head.  “Yippeun-ah,” he slowly kissed her red cheek, then her forehead and back to her lips, savoring them slowly until he felt her body had relaxed against his.  He trailed his lips, back to his favorite spot and moved down from there.  He heard her breath catch when he brought her nightgown lower on her shoulders so he could kiss the swell of her s.  He slowly brought a hand up from her waist to cup one gently teasing it with his thumb, while he continued kissing and nipping at her neck and down to the V in between her s.  He felt her stiffen again and went back to make eye contact and softly kiss her nervous lips.  He continued his exploration with his hand while trying to melt her nerves with his kisses.  “Sarang, na want to get to know all of you,” said his breathy voice in her ear before nipping his way down her s giving them soft kisses and flicks of his tongue.  His hand moved slowly down to her leg, caressing and tickling her thigh.  He kept this up, coaxing her legs to willingly part for him.  This accomplished he brought his hand back to her waist and across her tummy and back to her waist sliding gently down to her lower abs and then to her sensitive area.  His fingers had just grazed over her when he felt her stiffen again.  Jihoo stopped at the sound of her whimper and looked up immediately.  Her eyes were squeezed shut, hands clenched and trembling.  Jihoo knew this wasn't pleasure but fear or shock, she was even holding her breath.  Quickly he pulled her to him.  "Sarang, what is it?  Gwenchana, gwenchana.  Just let me hold you."  She was neither responding to him nor pulling away, she wasn't there.  Not opening her eyes and trembling, it took Jihoo at least five or more minutes of calling her and caressing her hair for her to react.

 - "J-Jihoo?"

 - "Deh Sarang, I'm here.  Don't leave me like that again," he kissed the top of her head.  "Gwenchana, just hold on to me until you stop shaking."

Ilana wanted so badly to stay in his arms but she couldn't.  She needed room to breathe for a bit.  She shook her head, " I-I need to use the restroom."

 - "Ani, let me hold you.  Don't withdraw from me."

 - "I-I just have to go, jaebal."  He released his hold on her and she pushed her way off the bed and ran to the bathroom.  Throwing the shower on to block any noise, she quickly threw up.  After brushing her teeth in the midst of crying, she washed her face.  She tried to stop crying but the memory of her nightmare made her cry even more.  The nightmare came without invitation and before her eyes were no longer the lover of her life but complete strangers roughly attacking her.  Sitting on the floor, she tried to still her crying.

Jihoo waited worriedly for her to come out, her robe in hand.  It took about fifteen minutes before she finally emerged, looking no better than when she went in.  Jihoo wrapped the robe around her and then his arms.  She was so pale and still trembling.  "Sarang, your heart is racing.  Let's lie down for a little longer.  Let me hold you."

 - "Mianhae," she said into his chest.

 - "Anieyo, you didn't do anything wrong.  Mianhae, Sarang, Na went too fast."

- "Ani!  You didn't do anything wrong!"  Tears were beginning to fall again.

He kissed her cheek, "yippeun Sarang.  Kaja, let me hold you."  He held her against him by the waist, fearing she would pass out any second.  Not allowing her to remove her robe, he tucked her under the blankets making her as comfortable as possible.  "I'll get your medicine, annchoah your heart beating so fast."

 - "Kajima!"  She pulled on his shirt as he was leaving the bedside.  "Just hold me, juseyo?"

 - "Arraso," he said caressing her cheek.  He slid in opposite of her and had her turn so that she was snuggled in the crook of his arm and her head was on his chest.  He didn't say anything, just caressed her hair, the back of her neck and rubbed her back.  Her heart rate slowly returned to normal but the episode left her exhausted and she fell asleep.  Jihoo dozed off as well; after all, they had nothing else to do.  They were on honeymoon.

Waking up, Jihoo saw Ilana still slept and decided to shower and get dressed.  By the time he was done, Ilana had awakened.  "How is nae anae?"

 - "Gwenchana," she sat up and was looking down at the blanket, instead of Jihoo.

 - "Chincha?"  He lifted her chin to look at him.  He gave her a peck on the lips.  He felt her jump back slightly but he just smiled at her.  "Get ready and we'll make something to eat and go for a walk."

They went down to the kitchen and were in luck, the housekeeper had saved them stew and freshly baked rolls.  Neither had realized how hungry they were and ate every last bit, much to the housekeeper’s amusement.  She had her thoughts as to why they were so hungry.  Little did she realize it was the complete opposite of the truth.

They walked hand in hand ready to go exploring.  The first building next to the house was the stables.  The two looked at each other and grinned.  Fifteen minutes later, they were both mounted.  "This is beautiful, gomawo for dragging me here.  I was very little last I was here; I hand-picked Basilio at the time.  We had four horses shipped from here."

"Anieyo, na wanted you to feel close to your Appa and Umma."  They walked their horses along the river.  It was just like a postcard.  A few wild Horses dotted the landscape, snow-capped mountains in the distance, a river a lake and a forest surrounded the property.  Ilana's spirits lifted with the beautiful scenery.  "Nampyon!  Race you to the other end of the property!"  She rode off without warning and Jihoo chased after her.  Ilana won of course.

 - "Anae cheated!"  Jihoo said, pulling up next to her.

 - "Andwae!  Nampyon is too slow."

"Ah, we'll see who's too slow; race you back!"  This time Ilana was left to catch up.

Arriving back at the stables laughing like two kids, Jihoo dismounted first and then helped his wife down.  Even if she was more than capable, he wanted to hold her in his arms.  She may be smiling and laughing with him on the outside but he knew this morning had left her more troubled than she would admit.  Trapping her in his arms, "bpo bpo," he playfully demanded.  She smiled at him before kissing his cheek.  He refused to let her escape.  "Bpo bpo."  He saw her draw a short breathe before placing her lips gently on his.  He wasn't about to let her go, he held her firmly against him and loved her lips with his.  She made a surprised noise in but didn't pull away.  His kiss tried to convey his emotions.  He wanted her to feel his love for her, all of her even the darkness that sometimes overtakes her.  He ended that kiss and continued kissing her cheek and her head and another peck on the corner of .  He felt her heart beating under his fingers that caressed her neck.  "Saranghae," he whispered in her ear.  He saw her tears threatening to fall.

 - "Nado saranghae.  Nomu saranghae, chincha."

 - "Ara nae anae, ara."  He heard the desperation in her voice as if he wouldn't believe her.  He wiped the tear that had spilled over and kissed her face where it had fallen.  "Jeongmal," he reassured her.

December 27, 2014

Jihoo played with Ilana's unbound hair as she slept.  She'd had another episode earlier in the morning.  Having seen her hesitation to go back to their room, he gave her a kiss goodnight spooned with her against him, content just to hold her.  While she thought he slept he felt her weeping silently.  He didn't let her go but held her all the more tightly.

He tried again to be intimate with her that morning.  This time he didn't let go of her lips as he let his hand caress her body slowly and gently.  Not letting her break eye contact with him.  He felt her shiver but didn't pull away.  When he thought it safe, he began to trail kisses down her neck and to her s.  He pulled her nightgown down slowly as he went, not making any rash movements.  He felt her tense and ball up her hands.  He stopped his attention to her body and kissed her hands and trailed kisses back up her arms.  She was still shaking.  "Sarang, tell me to stop," he nipped at her stomach, trying to tickle a response from her but none came.  He looked up to see the tears falling silently.  She had left again and was no longer in the room.  Pulling her gown back up, he drew her into her arms.  "Sarang, Sarang!"  He called but there was no response, she couldn't hear him.  Her face was full of fear at whatever she was seeing.  "Sarang!  Look at me, no one is hurting you.  Gwenchana, come back to me."  Torn between leaving her side and getting her a damp towel, he one-handedly removed a pillowcase and dampened it with water from the bedside table.  He dabbed the back of her neck and her chest, speaking to her soothingly as he went.  It took her twice as long to react this time.

 - "Jihoo-yah?  Wh-what happened?”  She wasn’t aware of how much time had passed or what happened.  “I-I couldn't see-see you?  I-I could o-only see them.  I'm so-so cold, I can't stop shaking."

 - "I'm here, Na haven't left."  He tried to infuse his warmth into her.

Even after a few minutes, she still couldn’t stop breathing heavily.  "Did...did...you..." she couldn't say what she wanted to say.

 - "Sarang what is it?"

Ilana tried again.  "Did...were you able t-to you know?"  She took a quick peek at him and saw he didn’t comprehend.  She buried her face in his chest again.  "Were you able...to...finish what you...started?"

 - "Andwae!  How could I even think of it?"  He rubbed circles on her back.  "You're more important to me than ."  He was blatant but was trying to make a point.

She held him tightly, she needed him next to her but wasn’t she being selfish?  How could she keep denying him?  "Just...just do it, Sarang.  Gwenchana."  It wouldn't be any more unpleasant than before.  At least somewhere in the back of her mind would be the man she loved.  With eyes closed, she lifted her face and kissed him as hard as she could and let her hand move to his rippled abs and kept going.

Jihoo was shocked at what she had just said and even more at what she was doing.  "Sarang!"  He pushed her away so he could see her tear-stained face.  "Micheousso?  Andwae!"  He shouted unintentionally.  "Na could never force you; we'll work on it slowly.  It's only our third day; we have a lifetime to be together."

 - "Anieyo, look at our parents, they should have been here with us still and they aren't.  Jihoo-yah!  Just do it, she hit his shoulder with her fist.  What good am I to you then?!"  She sobbed.

 - "Ilana-yah!  Look at me!"  He shook her slightly but she refused.

Ilana was feeling a discomfort in her chest.

Jihoo could see something was wrong, she rubbed her chest with her hand and her face showed as if with pain.  "Ilana-yah, sarang, what's wrong?  Are you in pain?  One through ten, how bad is it?"

 - "It just hurts, mollah."

He didn't need to be told it was her Tachycardia acting up again.  "I'm getting your medicine."  She didn't want him to go but she couldn't hold on to him.  "Any other symptoms?  Talk to me?"

 - "Headache." The pain had begun at the base of her skull and was quickly working its way upward.

 - "Take your medicine," Jihoo lifted Ilana's head from her knees; he brought the glass to her lips and then the pill.  He tucked them both back into bed and held her as she cried silently.

"Lord, what can I do for her?"  He prayed, before waking her up, later that day

Jihoo continued to look over the lake.  They had spent the next two days racing the horses, picnicking and just enjoying each other’s company.  He made her laugh, he kissed her but the light was dimming in her eyes.  He should have known this; he should have anticipated the pattern of thoughts that led her to make an ultimate decision.  And yet, he didn’t; he failed them.  He was too busy trying to make her happy when she was feeling miserable.  He heard her sniffles in the middle of the night, when she thought him asleep.  He still asked himself how he slept through her leaving.  Sighing, he had some sense of peace at leaving, going on without her.  Would they see each other again?  Yes, of that he was certain; he had a promise from God.  If he was certain of seeing her again, he shouldn’t worry, she would be just fine, right?  The problem was, by worrying, he wasn't thinking how much he missed her.  WooBin could easily find her if he asked but no, he needed to let her go and find her own way back to him.  Taking out his phone, he began typing a message, perhaps sooner rather than later, he'd be able to deliver it.

He went by the chapel before he left and prayed for her, "Yesu, let her be well.  Help me not to worry and trust in you."

January 1, 2015

Jihoo looked out the window at the quaint little town below.  "Are you eating well sarang?  Yesu, let her be well and may it be your will she come back to me soon."

January 2, 2015

Jihoo repeated his daily, often multiple times a day, prayer.  "Yesu, let her be well and may it be your will she comes back to me soon."

January 3, 2015

 - "Yesu, let her be well and may it be your will she comes back to me soon."

***Hiding under the table***

Please don't kill me?!  Don't unsubscribe!  Just hang in there!  There is always a reason for everything and this has been planned since the beginning.  I promise this will be short-lived.  I'm a firm believer in happy endings.  The chapter is short, but I think they'll get longer as this section unfolds.  Please let me know if the layout is confusing.  It's flashbacks within flashbacks and letters. I kinda didn't know how to do it.  Please comment, don't unfriend me, or ignore me.  Jaebal!!

 - Saranghaeyo!  Chincha!

"He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along."

***I'm horrible at Ud, I wasn't raised with it, no one ever made me speak formally, sorry.***