Sunhi’s POV

            When he left, I couldn’t help but feel like crying. I should’ve… just tried to forget about what’s happened and tried to act normal with him.

            I got up to go downstairs and tell my mom that he left when I stepped on a piece of folded paper. It was pink and awkwardly decorated with heart stickers with the words “To Kai” scrawled on the top.

            It was a confession letter, quite obviously, too.

            A twinge of jealousy hit my heart, surprising me. Why was I jealous? I didn’t like Kai that way. And this was just another random girl that Kai barely knew. There was no reason for me to be jealous.

            But the fact that I was struck up more questions. And that was the last thing I needed at this point.

            I crumpled the piece of paper and threw it away. Kai probably already forgot about it.

            “Sunhi! Oh, where’d Jongin go?” My mom walked in with a tray carrying two plates of fruit and two glasses of water.

            “Ah… he had to go home… His parents were worried because he didn’t tell them he was coming over…”

            “Is he coming over later?”

            “I don’t think so…”

            “Well, that’s okay! Here’s some fruit for you. I’ll just put the rest in the fridge.” She smiled as she set down a plate of fruit and a glass of water on my desk. “So, I have to go out tonight for a business dinner… Do you want to invite a friend over to keep you company?”

            “I’m fine… go ahead. I’ll see you when you get back from the dinner,” I said. “Thanks for bringing up food.”

            “Oh, no problem! Now, if anything wrong happens, call me and I’ll be home immediately! I have to get ready now, but I’ll tell you when I leave.” My mom gave me a quick hug, careful not to spill the rest of the things she was carrying.

            “Alright. Thanks…”

            She gave me another smile before walking out of my room.

            I lied down on my bed, hugging a pillow. There was too much stressing me out… Everything seems so small to everyone… When you think about it, the things that are troubling me are a guy, a new girl, and my questionable feelings for said guy.

            Well, it would be so much easier if that was it. There’s still that lingering feeling of depression that’s weighing me down even more.

            I’d finally managed to swim just a bit closer to the surface. Now I’m sinking again, and I’m not sure how I’ll be able to ever surface.

            Is this it? Did my life improve only for it to slap me in the face, say “I was kidding!”, and shove me down into a dark, inescapable hole?

            Glancing around my room, I noticed my sketchbook sitting by my next, having not opened it in a few days.

            There was no need for me to open it. Actually, there was no desire to. It felt hopeless, trying to sketch again considering the person who got me to start again is now pretty much out of my life. But it was what I loved to do. I couldn’t just let some guy take over my decisions. I had to do this for myself.

            Slowly sitting up, I shuffled over and picked it up, grabbing a pencil and eraser off my desk. I took a seat by my window, determined to at least make a small sketch of something successfully.

            What was my motivation for sketching now? I was forcing myself to… but what was behind that? Maybe I was trying to get over my friendship with Kai. It was as good as gone now.

            I nearly drove my pencil through the paper without thinking, causing me to quickly drop the pencil and erase the mark I made as best as I could before starting again.

            This was no way to go about doing things. I couldn’t keep focusing on such small things that would eventually seem so insignificant to me. But I did anyways, being the stupid teenager I was. And that was the cause to my ultimate downfall. Being a more-than-usual stupid teenager.

            I reached up to brush away my hair, only to be met with wetness on my cheek. Trying to rub it away, I realized it was hopeless because I was finally crying. The tears were flowing quickly, but no sobs were released from my mouth. Everything seemed so hopeless now. I couldn’t fix anything between Kai and me anymore. More answers would come to me, regardless, and I couldn’t find an answer to any of them. My life seemed to revolve around Kai at this point.

            The only other person that could possibly help me is Mitsuki, and still, my trust in her is minimal. And the frustration of that… only adds to the burdens.

            I shouldn’t, but I hate myself. I’m the main cause of every single predicament I’m in. There’s nobody to blame but myself. And thus, the hate comes against myself so strongly… everything doesn’t seem worth it.

            All of the amazing people I’ve met… I don’t deserve any of them. I treat every single one of them so coldly, that I’m such a burden. Perhaps, if I’d never transferred, it would be such an exciting and easier year for all of them…

            Maybe if I’d died that one-day, nobody would have to suffer because of me anymore…

            As soon as that thought occurred to me, I realized that everything Kai had done for me… it had gone down the drain the moment I turned him out of my life. My life has officially screwed itself over.

            I knew it was wrong to think like this… But I couldn’t stop the thought from persisting through my mind, covering up all of my other thoughts until the only thing I had on my mind was the kill myself.

            It wasn’t a good idea for me to be left alone. But I couldn’t ask anyone to come over. Nobody but Mitsuki and Kai knew about my depression. They were the only ones who knew that I cut myself. Yet neither of them, or at least Kai, knew about my suicidal attempt before.

            Nobody but my family and doctors knew that I was suicidal. And I couldn’t tell anyone. Despite knowing that I pretty much ruined several people’s lives, I couldn’t bare to tell my friends. I was being selfish. But I’m a retard. So what else do you expect?

            Should I chain myself to the bed and hope I don’t get a hold on anything that I could use to kill myself with? Just. Kidding. I would kill myself with the chain.

Kai’s POV

            The letter was gone. I raided through my entire backpack and it wasn’t there. I looked through all of my pockets and everywhere. Nowhere. But most likely Sunhi’s house.

            The worst thing I could do was go back and ask for the letter back. What do I say? “Hey, a girl gave me a letter today confessing her love for me. I think I left it here. Can I have it back?” It would make me seem like a jerk for going back and that I liked the girl.

            But knowing it was there… What am I thinking? She wouldn’t even care if I liked another girl. She doesn’t even think about liking someone, so there’s no way she’d like me. And she’d never feel jealous. Sunhi probably already threw away the letter, thinking it was just a random piece of scrap paper.

            Grabbing my phone, I tried to distract myself by texting. But that proved to be boring after my conversations ended quickly because everyone had Friday night plans.

            I took my shoes by the laces and walked out of my room, taking my phone with me. “Mom, I’m gonna be in the basement.”

            “Don’t dance too hard!” she said, waving quickly before resuming her cooking.

            Nodding, I opened a door in the hallway and climbed down the stairs to the dim basement. I flipped the light switch on to be welcomed by the mirror walls and smooth, wood floor.

            I slipped on my shoes and plugged in my phone to the stereo in the corner. When there’s nothing else to do, dancing’s my only solution. Especially when there’s something I don’t want to think about and it’s on my mind.

            The music pounded through the room loudly. I know my mom will yell at me about it later, but I also know that she understands why I do it. It’s to focus on nothing but the music and dancing.

            I tried to force all of my anger and frustration into the dancing, but it all turned into a hurricane of a mess. Then trying to ease up on the moves, it just looked like I was half-assing everything. Nothing was going the way I wanted it to.

            A dance move here and there, and I looked like a three year old trying to act cool. Damn that’s lame. Before I knew it, an hour of pathetic dancing passed, and I was left with disappointment and frustration at myself.

            In case nobody could tell, I was falling apart. And in case you try to find the bright side in that, there is none.

            I collapsed down onto the floor, panting and sweating, the music still blasting like crazy out of the stereo. I needed to straighten everything out. I couldn’t stay like this. You might say that I’m way too head over heels for just a high school girl I met a few months ago. You might say that I should give up and get on with my life, for there’s plenty of fish in the see.

            But Sunhi isn’t just a normal girl. She never has been. And there’s no way I can give her up. There’s always been something about her that kept drawing me back to her like a magnet. Nothing can slip and fall through the cracks like this. Not when it’s related to Sunhi.

            I turned off the stereo, pulling my phone with me and switching the lights off before racing up the stairs, passed my confused mom, and up to my room. Sunhi said she wanted time away from me. But I had to straighten this all out. I had to stop whatever was confusing her about me and try to get her to think of me as the same person I was before. It probably wouldn’t work… but there’s no sense in not trying, right?

            Quickly taking a shower and changing, I headed out, telling my mom that I’d be back in time for dinner.

            I nearly ran to Sunhi’s house, and it helped that she lived so close. Knocking on the door, I tried to wait as patiently as I could, tapping my foot with impatience.

            When the door opened, Mrs. Choi was dressed in very formal attire, surprising me a bit. “Oh! Did Sunhi invite you back over? I was just going out to a business dinner.”

            “Ah… I was just dropping something off for her.”

            “Um… Jongin, I must ask a favor of you.”

            I hesitated, knowing that if it had to do with Sunhi, she would probably resist and force me away. “Of course…”

            “I don’t want Sunhi alone… And I didn’t want to tell her that because she’d think I don’t trust her… Of course I do! But, I can’t help but be scared regardless… “

            “I’ll stay with her.” Why the hell was I lying through my teeth to her?

            “Thank you so much! I have to get going now, I just have to let Sunhi know. Thanks again, Jongin.” She smiled and invited me in quickly.

            We both walked up to Sunhi’s room and Mrs. Choi knocked. There was the sound of a faucet on.

            “Hmm… she must be taking a shower. I’ll just leave her a note on her door.” Mrs. Choi walked away into another room, only to come back with a sticky note, words written on it. “There we go. I’ll be off then! Feel free to wait in the living room and watch T.V. while she’s taking a shower.”

            “Thank you, Mrs. Choi.” I bowed.

            “Oh, I should be the one thanking you for staying here with Sunhi!” Mrs. Choi smiled and waved, walking out the door.

            I walked into the huge living room and sat down, leaning my head back. All that rushing only to realize that I probably couldn’t even talk to Sunhi for another ten minutes or so. Maybe twenty minutes.

            Boredom overcame me as I simply sat there, with no interest in watching any T.V.. I can only blame myself for the boredom.

            I waited for about ten minutes. That ten minutes turned into twenty minutes. Time kept passing, and I started pacing. Nobody took this long for a shower, right? Half an hour passed, and I tried to think of it as Sunhi changing or something. But I could only fool myself for so long. Forty-five minutes passed and I walked up the stairs to her room, knocking.

            “Sunhi? Are you in there?” There wasn’t an answer, so I knocked again. After that, I tried to open the door, but it was locked. . This wasn’t happening.

            I had to calm down. This wasn’t the worse case scenario. It couldn’t be. “Sunhi! What are you doing? It’s Kai! I know you don’t want to talk to me right now, but please, open the door!” I kept shaking the door handle but it wouldn’t open.

            Taking a few steps back, and trying to remind myself that Mrs. Choi would forgive me for breaking the door because Sunhi was probably hurt, I rammed into the door, breaking it down with a wince.

            I scanned the room and there was a piece of paper on the bed with her writing. Grabbing it, I quickly read the contents.

So… I don’t know who I was kidding when I thought I could change for the better when I moved here… I was fooled that everything would be fine. But everything came crumbling down.

To whoever is reading this first, please give it to every other person mentioned on this letter. And don’t feel too bad about me dying. It was bound to happen eventually, but the way it would happen probably just changed a bit according to your expectations.

And… I’m doing this for the better of everyone. I’ve only made everyone’s lives more difficult.

Who should I address first? I guess that should be my mother.

Mom… I’m sorry for being such an awful daughter. I’m sorry for causing you so much grief and sadness. Please, don’t be too sad. Now you can actually forget about worrying about me so much. I’ve caused you a lot of trouble… So this is where it ends. I love you, mom. I wish you could’ve had a better daughter.

Now… to Victoria, Amber, Luna, Sulli, and Krystal. You guys were such amazing friends… Thank you for taking such good care of me at school. But I didn’t tell you guys everything about me. Guess, since you guys will be reading this letter, you’ll know what I’ve been hiding. I’m sorry for being such a burden to you all, and I hope you can forgive me. And, none of this had to do with you guys. You’re just the victims of an awful friend. I’m truly, and incredibly, sorry.

To all of the guys in EXO, I know I was never close to you guys… but I felt I owed you guys an apology. An apology for burdening you guys. It seemed like a burden for you guys to put up with me, you know? And to Sehun… I’m sorry, but I can’t return your feelings. I hope you find a much better girl who deserves your affection. Oh, and… I’m afraid Luhan told me about that… Sorry for telling your secret, Luhan.

To Mitsuki, I’m sorry about how I treated you when we first met and how I last treated you. If we had met under different circumstances… perhaps we would’ve been better friends. I hope you can forgive me. Thank you for offering me your friendship.

Specifically… to Kai. I’m sorry. For everything. From the start of the year to now… I’m sorry for causing you so much trouble. I wish we could go back to the way things were before… But then it still would’ve been a burden on you. I’m sorry, Kai. And… since it’s my last time talking to you, I should let you know… that over the course of time, I think I’ve come to like you. But my emotions are still jumbled so it’s hard to make sense of them. Please forgive me for causing you so much trouble, and please do not be sad. Thank you for having been there for me for so long. You are the best friend that I could ever have.

I guess that’s it for my goodbye letter… Thank you for having been there for me as a parent or friend. But it was too much for me to handle… And I couldn’t just throw my burden onto one of you, so I’m going to make things a lot easier for everyone and just… dissipate from your lives. Go back to the way things were before me. Everything will be better. And I’ll just become a distant, vague memory.

Goodbye.

Yours,

Choi Sunhi

            Before I’d even properly read the last letters, I dashed to the bathroom, ramming the door down immediately only to splash into water. Sunhi was sitting in the bathtub, her dress drenched, and the water red.

            Without thinking, I ran over, nearly slipping, and hefted her out of the water, grabbing a towel off of a hook and pressing it to her one bleeding wrist, but the blood kept flowing.

            “! Sunhi! Wake up! Damn it! Wake up!”

            Her eyelids flickered, but she stayed unconscious. I picked her up quickly, trying to press the towel down on her wrist more. Setting her down on her bed, I dialed 911 for an ambulance to come immediately and grabbed another towel to wrap around her.

            Sunhi’s face was paler than I’d ever been able to imagine. I felt for a pulse on her neck and other wrist, feeling one faintly. But there was a straight scar on her wrist. It was dark, and emitted a sort of morbid feeling. Had she done this before? She couldn’t have. How could she have done this… and never told me? Didn’t she at least trust me at some point?!

            The ambulance could be heard and, not wanting to leave Sunhi in the room, I carried her out into the streets, running towards the oncoming ambulance.

            Several men darted out and took her from my arms.

            One of them came up to me and gestured for me to get in with her. “Who are you in relations to her?”

            “A friend.”

            “What about her family?”

            “Her mother’s at a dinner.”

            He nodded. “Will you be able to call her?”

            I hesitated. “Sunhi’s cell phone must be in her room. I’ll call her mom and go to the hospital by myself.”

            The man nodded. “We’ll do as best as we can for… Sunhi, was it? We’ll try to stop the bleeding as soon as we can. Can you tell me how long she might’ve been bleeding?”

            “She was in a bathtub filled with water… but I didn’t find her there until forty-five minutes after I was at her house… I thought she was just taking a long shower or something.” My voice was shaking and my heart was beating too fast. I could feel tears threatening to spill.

            “Okay. Thank you. Go call her mom and try to calm yourself down.” The man patted my shoulder before quickly getting back into the ambulance, driving fast towards the hospital.

            I ran inside and looked for Sunhi’s cell phone, dialing Mrs. Choi’s number as soon as I found it.

            “Hello? Sunhi?”

            “Mrs. Choi, it’s Ka– Jongin. You need to head to the hospital right away.”

            “Why? What happened? Is Sunhi alright? Oh my God, I shouldn’t have left her alone! What happened to her?!”

            “She… I… She was in the bathtub and she slit one of her wrists.” I choked up, barely able to speak as a few tears escaped from my eyes.

            “Oh God… “ I could hear her starting to cry. “Jongin, can you please go to the hospital? You’ll probably get there faster than me…”

            “Yes, of course.”

            “Thank you so much, Jongin. I’m so sorry!” There was a lot of bustling on her side of the line, and her voice was barely stable enough to speak. “I’ll meet you at the hospital.” And she hung up.

            I wiped the tears angrily away from my face and stood up, dropping her phone on the bed and running out of the house to mine.

            “Jongin, what’s going on? Have you been crying?” My mom followed me quickly as I headed to the garage.

            “I have to borrow the car,” I muttered, grabbing the keys off the rack.

            “Kim Jongin! What is going on?! Tell me right now, or you’re not leaving!”

            “Sunhi’s in the hospital! I have to go, mom.” I got into the car, slammed the door, started the ignition, and quickly drove out of the garage after opening the door.

            I could see my mom standing there, mouth wide open. Don’t know whether it’s because I kind of yelled, or because Sunhi’s in the hospital.

            Trying to drive when you’re panicking and hoping that the girl you so happen to like very much doesn’t die is the hardest thing you’ll ever do. I hope you never have to do it. Because I nearly crashed into five cars before getting to the hospital, and I swear a couple of police were staring at my car for a good while before finding something better to do.

            I ran out of the car and into the hospital, quickly asking for where Sunhi was. They said they were stitching up her wrist and trying to transfer more blood into her. Well isn’t that all dandy.

            Wait. That means she’s alive. She’s freaking alive.

            Slumping down into a waiting room chair, I breathed a sigh of relief, rubbing my face to get rid of the wanting to cry. It was a miracle she survived. I could barely look at the amount of blood that was there.

            “Is there anyone here for Choi Sunhi?”

            I shot up from my seat and went over to the nurse. “How is she?”

            She smiled. “Sunhi is recovering. Would you like to see her?”

            I nodded. Was that a stupid question or was that a stupid question? Yes, I know I repeated the same thing.

            She led me to the room and told me to try and be quiet as she opened the door. Sunhi was hooked up to quite a few machines with an oxygen mask over her small, pale face.

            “She’s still recovering and will be very weak for a while… Are you her brother?”

            “No.”

            “Boyfriend?”

            I blushed but quickly shook my head. “A friend.”

            “Do you know if she has any guardians coming?”

            “Yeah. Her mom’s coming.”

            The nurse nodded. “Please call us when she is here. We would like to discuss a few things with her.”

            “Of course.” I bowed. “Thank you so much.”

            She smiled and nodded, walking away.

            I grabbed a chair and pulled it next to her bed. Sunhi was completely unconscious, obviously, but she looked almost… dead. She was so pale. Hesitantly, I reached for her hand and it felt ice cold.

            “Sunhi… Why?” I muttered, tracing the lines on her palm. Why did she have to do this to herself? What happened? Never did I ever expect to experience something like this. To experience someone doing this to themselves. The thought itself shook me. The experience… was terrifying. I had no idea what to do. I barely knew how to handle the situation.

            Please… Sunhi, tell me why you did this.

Double update :) Which means I might not update for a little while T.T

I'm sorry for leaving it on a sad note D:

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~DespisedSecret