Sunhi’s POV

            Rip.

            I tore the piece of paper clean out of my sketchbook, crumpling it up and throwing it into the trashcan.

            It was difficult, but it shouldn’t have been. It was easy to draw in the dance studio. So easy to draw even with the dancer moving. But I couldn’t even draw the simple snow scene outside my window now. At least, I couldn’t draw it to my expectations.

            I flipped the pages to the one with drawings of the dancer, details minimal, but rough drawings were accomplished. I was afraid to even touch a pencil to the paper in case I ruined it.

            “Sunhi?” My mom opened the door, peering in. She walked over and sat down on my bed. “Drawing?”

            I nodded stiffly, glancing at the multiple pieces of crumpled paper in my trashcan. She followed my eyes’ direction.

            “It’s been a while since you’ve drawn. I’m so glad that you’re picking it up again! Have you joined the art clubs at school?”

            “No… I kind of just observe.”

            “That’s good! You can learn new and different techniques.”

            We both paused in our talking for a second. Why was she here? Not that I hated her being in my room. Just… wondering why. I searched my mind for a reason before realizing the date.

            When realization dawned on me, my mom noticed also, smiling somewhat sheepishly. “There was nothing last time! I didn’t want to check… but you always insisted, and I was surprised you didn’t this time, so—“

            “It’s okay. I’ll go change.” I quickly dropped my sketchbook and pencil on my chair and walked into my closet, switching my warm clothes for a simple tank top and a pair of shorts. I took the hair tie off my wrist and tied up my hair.

            I quickly walked out, shocked by how much colder my room felt. Sitting down on my bed, I rolled up my tank top as I usually did.

            My mom got up, draping my blanket over my shoulders. “Keep that on until I check your arms and shoulders. Don’t want you getting sick.” She smiled softly before running over my legs with her eyes, searching for cuts.

            When her eyes scanned over my stomach, I could feel the wave of surprise and sadness that washed over her. I expected it. I thought I was used to it. But I wasn’t. I almost cried from the guilt and disappointment in myself. I wasn’t strong enough that day. I couldn’t have just held myself back from just cutting myself that once.

            She quickly glanced at my arms and shoulders, pulling the blanket back over me afterwards. “Ah… we’re just gonna have Christmas dinner home, tonight! Later we can bake some cookies or something…” Hugging me once, she let me go and walked out of my room, closing the door.

            I pulled on a large jacket and switched my shorts for long sweats. I tugged my hair tie out, running my fingers through my hair.

            A few minutes ago, I was just frustrated with my drawing. Now, I’m frustrated with myself. My extreme lack of self-control was persisting through me, allowing me to do what I wanted to at the moment. It’s always in the moment. Never thinking of how it could affect me later.

            The sound of my ringtone threw me out of my thoughts, causing me to fly over to my phone. Kai? Why is he calling?

            “Hello?”

            “Hey, Sunhi. Are you busy today?”

            “Not really…” Where was this going?”

            “Do you mind if I come over? I’m really bored!”

            Bored? This was the first time he ever called for this type of reason. “What about EXO?”

            “They’re all either sleeping or with their families. It’s Christmas, remember?”

            “Then why aren’t you with your family?”

            “They’re doctors… gotta work on Christmas. I won’t see them till tonight, and maybe not even.”

            “Oh… You can come over.

            “Alright. I’ll be there in a few minutes!”

            He hung up, leaving me to just sit there for a moment before realizing that the guy who just kissed me was coming over.

            I have to admit, I was a bit nervous. But probably not as much as most girls would be. I kind of disregarded that he was coming over and my mind wandered back to my previous thoughts, causing me to sink.

            Putting away my sketchbook, pencils, and eraser, I walked downstairs to find my mom cooking. She always cooked when there was something she didn’t want to have on her mind, be on her mind.

            “Sunhi! I’m just cooking some lunch for us.” And by that, she means adding to the already cooked food.

            “Kai is coming over right now…”

            “Really? I’ll just prepare a bit more food!”

            “Mom.”

            She looked up at me.

            “Kai’s parents… they’re working today… So if he can’t eat dinner with them, can he—“

            “Oh, say no more! Of course he can stay for dinner as well! It’ll be fun having a guest over for dinner, though I can’t say there will be anything fancy.”

            “Thanks.”

            She smiled brightly, nodding before going back to her cooking.

            I was about to go back upstairs when the doorbell rang. I sighed and headed to the door, opening it for Kai. “Hey.”

            He smiled. “Hi. Merry Christmas.”

            I nodded, walking him in.

            “Hello, Jongin!”

            “Merry Christmas, Mrs. Choi.” Kai bowed respectfully. “Sorry for intruding.”

            “Oh, not at all! Go on and hang out in Sunhi’s room. But come down in a few minutes for lunch!”

            The two of us nodded.

            “Thank you, Mrs. Choi.”

            “No problem.” Her voice was a bit happier now. Less fake.

            I walked upstairs, going into my room. Kai followed behind, looking around curiously.

            “Your house is bigger than it seems.”

            I nodded. “My mom… She likes big houses for some reason.”

            “My mom, too. She always wanted a big family, so we got a huge house. But she only ended up having me.”

            I didn’t ask why, not wanting to offend him. I sat down on my bed and Kai sat in my desk chair.

            “Let’s play a game.”

            “What kind of game?”

            “20 questions?”

            “Don’t you already know a lot about me?”

            “There’s bound to be more, right?” He smiled playfully at me.

            I sighed and nodded. “Okay. Favorite food?”

            “Everything.”

            I smiled slightly at his reply.

            “What’s your favorite number?”

            “Nine… What’s your hobby? You never told me…”

            He hesitated, biting his lip. “Dance. What do you do when you’re bored, other than drawing?”

            “Reading. I’m not very interesting…”

            “No, you are. More than you think.” Kai smiled.

            “What’s your favorite animal?”

            “Dogs. What’s your favorite… flower?” He laughed at his question.

            “Roses. Would you dance in front of me if I asked you to?”

            “Maybe… Would you draw me if I asked?”

            “Maybe.”

            Kai pouted.

            “Have you and Sehun been fighting lately?”

            He was surprised by the question, but reached forward and pat my head. “Friends fight. But the fights don’t last long. So, who’s your favorite in EXO?”

            I lifted an eyebrow. “Really?”

            “Yeah.”

            “Isn’t it obvious?”

            “No…”

            “I’m closest to you… So it would make sense if you were my favorite in EXO.”

            Kai seemed surprised, but his smile widened.

            “Sunhi! Jongin! Lunch is ready.” My mom’s voice traveled easily up to my room.

            I stood up. “Go ahead. I just need to change really quickly.”

            He nodded, walking out my room and downstairs.

            I switched my sweats for a pair of long jeans, and changed into a red turtleneck shirt. I glanced at my hair in the mirror, wincing at the still asymmetrical cut. It’d be easier if it would grow out.

            When I got downstairs, my mom was talking happily to Kai, who politely listened. I sat down where I usually did, which was across from my mom, and ate quietly. Kai would comment a bit here and there about what my mom was talking about, but my mom did most of the talking (which was obvious).

            It wasn’t as awkward as I thought it would be. Kai seemed to easily converse, taking my place in the conversation. In no way is that bad, because I’d much rather not talk half the time. It was just interesting how easily they spoke to each other.

            After eating, I helped my mom clean up the dishes, telling Kai to watch T.V. I flipped it on and handed him the remote. But when I got back, the T.V. was off, and he was lying down on his back, facing the ceiling.

            “Don’t like to watch T.V.?”

            Kai looked up and smiled. “Not really… I was never really into that many T.V. shows anyways.”

            I nodded. “My mom wants to make Christmas cookies now… Do you want to?”

            He smiled. “Sure.”

            When we walked into the kitchen, my mom handed me a pale pink apron and handed a dark blue one to Kai. It’s been a while since I’ve seen that apron, but I shook away the thoughts of my dad, put on the apron, and rolled up my sleeves.

            “Have you made cookies before, Jongin?”

            Kai shook his head. “Nobody ever taught me or had the time to make cookies with me when I was younger.”

            “You’re parents must be very busy people.” My mom smiled. “Well, we can always teach you! It’s not too hard, and I’m sure it’ll be a lot of fun.”

            “Thank you, Mrs. Choi.” He bowed slightly before slipping on the apron and rolling up his own sleeves.

            From the fridge, my mom pulled out several rolls and pieces of homemade cookie dough.

            “You made the dough before hand?”

            My mom nodded. “You guys had the party last night, and I thought you would sleep in late, so I made the dough. I wasn’t quite sure when you’d be up for making cookies either. I figured, being prepared is way better than not making them in time! Otherwise, I wouldn’t have time to make dinner.” She placed everything in front of us, going around the kitchen to gather some icing, cookie cutters, etc.

            “My mom’s cookies taste the best,” I said, guiding Kai to the island of the kitchen, where we’d be cutting out the cookies and decorating.

            “What about yours?”

            I sighed. “Definitely not as good as hers.”

            “I’m sure they are.”

            “Alright! Are you guys ready? We’ve got a ton of cookies to make!”

. . .

            It had taken much longer than I thought it would, cutting out and decorating the cookies. My mom always made more than we needed so that we could bring them to a homeless shelter. Almost two hours had passed, an unbelievable amount of time used.

            “How was it?” I asked.

            “It was interesting. I wish I’d done this when I was younger. Most Christmases that I spent when I was younger consisted of staying home, eating with the butler and maid, and then just going to sleep. The day time was just a normal day…”

            “Have your parents never spent a Christmas with you?”

            “They did… but when I was a baby. When I turned six, they just didn’t use their personal days and went to work as usual.”

            “Then, it’s good that you could come for Christmas this year.”

            He smiled and suddenly hugged me. “Thanks for letting me spend time with your family… It must’ve been awkward.”

            I shook my head, gently hugging back for a moment before we simultaneously let go. “We needed someone else here to make this a happier holiday. With just the two of us, we start thinking of…”

            Kai nodded. “I get it. No worries.”

            I walked into my room with Kai behind me. “My mom says that it would be fine if you stayed for dinner.”

            “Really? Wouldn’t that be too much? I’ve already stayed for lunch and the majority of the afternoon.”

            I shook my head. “Like I said, it’ll be happier with someone else here.”

            “Are you sure?”

            I could feel a smile tugging at the corners of my lips. “Yes, it’s really fine.”

Kai’s POV

            She smiled more than I thought she would’ve today. And even if it was just a lift of the corners of her lips, I had to stop myself from kissing her again.

            I wasn’t still thinking of the kiss we had. I was thinking about kissing her again. Most guys would. But this wasn’t some random girl I was dating to pass time. She’s quite literally the first girl I’ve ever found myself wanting to chase after. I actually like her. And as stupid, cheesy, and corny as that sounds, it’s completely true.

            “Kai?”

            . “Sorry. I was just… thinking?”

            She smiled again. “Really now…” She walked over to her desk and pulled out some pencils and her sketchbook. “Is it okay if I draw you…?”

            I nodded without thinking, surprised at my own immediate response. “Do I need to do anything?”

            “Whatever you want to do.”

            Walking over to her desk, I sat down and scanned around her desk for a piece of paper, pulling it out and grabbing a pencil.

            I could hear the little sounds of her own pencil sketching onto the thick paper as I started thinking of lyrics, tapping the end of my pencil onto the desk.

            Scrawling a few words down onto the paper, I almost forgot where I was and that Sunhi was drawing me. Silence filled up the space, and I couldn’t feel any awkwardness.

            Time passed quickly, and like they say, time flies when you’re having fun... or at least, doing something you enjoy. I could see Mrs. Choi from the corner of my eyes as she knocked lightly on the open door.

            “Sunhi? Jongin?”

            Sunhi’s head flew up, surprised. She was too absorbed in her sketching. I thought it was cute.

            “The cookies are done! Would you mind taking some to the homeless shelter, Sunhi?”

            Sunhi shook her head, standing up. She quickly turned to me and said, “You can stay here. I’ll be back really soon.”

            “It’s fine. I can walk you there.” I got up, putting down the pencil and following Sunhi and Mrs. Choi down to the kitchen, where there were containers filled with cookies.

            When Mrs. Choi helped give Sunhi the cookies, I took half of the boxes, realizing that she was stronger than she looked.

            “It’s the least I can do for you two. You’ve let me spend Christmas with you.”

            Mrs. Choi smiled. “Thank you so much, Jongin. It’s her first time going to this shelter… so I’m glad that you can go with her.” She looked at the clock quickly. “You guys better go! The shelter won’t be open for much longer.”

            Sunhi nodded. “We’ll be back soon.”

            We walked over to the door, pulling on our coats and shoes before picking up the cookies again and heading out.

            “You do this every Christmas?”

            “Yeah… My dad used to go with me while my mom finished up dinner…” Her eyes lifted to meet mine for a second. “Thank you for coming with me.”

            “No problem.” I smiled and was immediately met with her smile. It was a brighter smile than any she’d had so far. She never stops surprising me. And this smile is what I’m going to consider as a Christmas gift. She gifted it to me… as well as her few other smiles. I could feel that the longer I was with her, the more I fell for her.

            The rest of the walk was in silence, and when we got there, the people who were volunteering smiled. We were welcomed in and given some hot chocolate to drink before the distributing of cookies began.

            The entire time, a small smile graced Sunhi’s face, and I could barely keep myself from looking at her almost every five seconds.

            “You know, boy, you better wipe the drool off your chin.”

            I looked in front of me to see a slightly older than middle-aged man, chuckling at me. I disregarded the sarcastic comment.

            “Is she your girlfriend? You’re quite lucky.”

            “No. She’s just my friend.”

            The man rolled his eyes. “Now, I’m going to pretend you did not say that. There are still quite a few hours of Christmas left. Use it to your advantage.”

            I was surprised that he was talking to me about this, considering he had other things, like his well being, to worry about. Nonetheless, I thanked him, continuing to hand out cookies.

            When we finished, the volunteers thanked us again, along with a large array of voices shouting out “thank you”.

            The man’s words kept on ringing in my head, which was pretty disturbing. But it didn’t stop my retarded brain from bringing my thoughts to the possibility of Sunhi being my girlfriend. Then with those thoughts came the logic. I’ve only known her for about three and a half months. She’s still depressed, even if it’s less apparent. And the last thing on her mind is a relationship.

            “What are you so seriously thinking about?”

            I looked over at her to see curious eyes peering back at me. “Nothing important.”

            “You seem pretty deep in your thoughts.”

            “I was just… thinking up new dance moves and stuff.”

            She didn’t look like she believed me, but she nodded anyways. “Will you show me one day?”

            “My dancing?”

            “Yeah.”

            She’ll find out who I am eventually. She’ll have to. So I nodded. “Eventually.”

            Her smile reappeared and I smiled back.

            “Let’s go inside. It’s really cold,” she muttered. We’d reached her house before I realized.

            “Mom? We’re back.” Sunhi walked into the kitchen, the dinner prepared but covered up to keep it warm. I followed her into the living room and we both froze.

            “Sunhi! You guys are back!” Her mother looked slightly nervous, her hands fidgeting.

            “What are you guys doing here?”

            My parents stood up from the couch.

            “We got back home to realize that you’d gone out… and then we called the boys and all of them said you were either with another of them or with a new friend… We got out of work a bit early for once so we wanted to have dinner with you.” My mom smiled and walked over to me, hugging me.

            “Sorry… You guys should’ve called me.”

            My dad smiled to me. “We were going to surprise you… but we ended up coming here.” He then looked to Sunhi. “You look well, Sunhi.”

            “T-Thank you, Dr. Kim.” Sunhi’s face turned completely pale.

            “How do you guys know her?” I asked. What was going on?

            “Your father was her doctor.” Mrs. Choi was just as uneasy as Sunhi.

            “But… you guys just moved here.”

            “We were on a business trip and met them there. We were giving lectures. When I met Sunhi… no other doctors could tend to her because they were busy. I was her doctor for about a week.”

            My mom seemed to sense the uneasiness and said, “It’s nice seeing you two again.” She turned to me and said, “I met Sunhi when I was asking your father some things for a lecture.” Her gaze switched to Sunhi and she smiled warmly. “It’s so good to see you better.”

            “Why don’t you two go upstairs? I’ll just talk to Mr. and Mrs. Kim for a moment and we can start on dinner! I always make too much food anyways, so why don’t you all stay?”

            “Thank you so much! Next time, it’s our treat,” replied my dad.

            Sunhi pulled on my sleeve, moving us upstairs.

            “They were your doctors?”

            “Only your father… I didn’t know they were your parents.” She seemed nervous… slightly scared.

            I touched her arm gently. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

            “N-Nothing.”

            “So, why was my dad your doctor? If it was just a physical, wouldn’t you already have a doctor for that?”

            “It wasn’t a physical,” she muttered, pulling her hair out of its ponytail and running her fingers through it slowly. She sat on her bed and I followed, sitting in front of her.

            “Did you cut too deep?” It was a difficult subject to touch on, but it was a possibility.

            She flinched. “N-No… but I just… I can’t tell you. Not now.”

            I was even more confused, but I didn’t question her. “Will you tell me, when you’re ready to?”

            Sunhi hesitated and looked close to tears. “No.”

            That surprised me even more. I expected a maybe. But I shouldn’t have. This was something that she probably never wanted to talk about.

            I slowly hugged her, making sure that she wouldn’t cringe away. “Are you okay? I’m sorry for asking.”

            She shook her head. “It’s fine… anyone curious would ask.” She softly wrapped her arms around my waist, burying her head in my chest. But she pulled away soon, brushing away a few falling tears. “Sorry.” Sunhi got up and walked into her bathroom, closing the door.

            A minute or two later, Mrs. Choi walked in. “Where’s Sunhi?”

            “The bathroom.”

            She nodded. “Um… your parents are downstairs. Dinner will start soon.” She hesitated before saying, “Did Sunhi… tell you anything that seemed… I mean…”

            “I think I understand and no, she didn’t tell me anything out of the ordinary.”

            Mrs. Choi took a deep breath, releasing it. “There must be something that you’re dying to ask. Something about her past.”

            “I know that she hurts herself,” I said quietly.

            Her eyes widened slightly but she nodded. “Whatever she isn’t telling you is something that is connected to that… And I don’t think she’s ready to talk about it. I don’t think she’ll ever be… If you really want to know, I’ll tell you. But not now... Maybe in the future…”

            “It’s okay, Mrs. Choi. If it’s something she’s keeping from me, I won’t ask about it. I think it would be better if Sunhi told me herself.”

            Mrs. Choi smiled. “Thank you so much… for staying by Sunhi and taking such good care of her… You must care for her a lot.”

            “As much as a friend should.”

            She laughed. “Perhaps a little more, too?”

            My face flushed and she knew the answer to that.

            “Why don’t you join your parents downstairs? I’ll get Sunhi out in a second or two and we’ll meet you all down.”

            I nodded, quickly walking down the stairs. I was still curious, but it was something that I knew I couldn’t touch. I’ll wait for Sunhi. And even if she doesn’t tell me… I think I’ll be okay with that. As long as she’s safe and healthy, I won’t mind if she keeps it a secret from me.

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