Namsoon’s POV

I didn’t know how long I had sat there crying already. I wasn’t able to pull myself together. He hated me. The only one I cared about hated me from the bottom of his heart. That’s right…It has to be like that. I wiped away my tears roughly again and again. Be strong. You will only be a pain in the , Go Namsoon. I had told myself that I had to be useful to Heungsoo. No matter what. Regardless of what I felt or wanted. If he enjoyed torturing me, I would gladly accept it.

My tears finally stopped, so I stood up and wiped them away one last time. My eyes were swollen and probably red as hell, but I couldn’t do anything about it. I would have had to hide my face in class, that’s all. I left the room and bumped into Kangjoo, a noisy but friendly girl from my class. “Mian” I said, wanted to go away immediately, but she didn’t let me.

“Yah, what happened? Did you cry?” she asked worried. She indeed did care too much for others.

“No, nothing happened” I forced myself to smile. “Don’t assume things and go back to class. Break is over soon.”

Kangjoo obviously didn’t believe even one word I said. But at least, she didn’t ask any further and went back to class. I sighed. It was no use. They’d all bother me. I went straight home, skipping class again.

-       The next day     -

I had completely calmed down. Even when I entered the school, I still felt alright. I passed some groups of students. They all looked at me and whispered. What’s up? Why are they looking at me? A little confused I went straight to the classroom. When I opened the door everyone looked at me. Silence. What the hell? I closed the door and went to my seat to sit down quickly. They were still observing me, whispering like the others did. I wanted to say something as the door suddenly opened again Heungsoo came in. He’s pissed. I could tell that just looking at his eyes. He sat down and stared into space. The others quieted down.  Suddenly their expression changed, while observing Heungsoo. I didn’t understand it. What had happened yesterday after I left? I wanted to know, wanted to ask, but the teachers came in, starting their lesson.

Break. Heungsoo was the first to leave the room. Kangjoo and some other classmates ran over to me all of a sudden.

“Are you alright?” Kangjoo asked.

“What’s going on?” I knitted my brows.

“Aish, you should have told me yesterday! I would have killed him right away!”

“What are you talking about?”

“Park Heungsoo, that bastard bullied you! Hakyung told me she saw Heungsoo asking you to follow him. And when I saw you, you were trembling! What did he exactly do? We should tell the teachers!”

I got angry. Seriously angry. I got up and kicked the chair. “I told you to not assume things. He didn’t do anything. I was just annoyed with myself. WHY are you dragging Heungsoo into this?!”

Instead of listening she kept thinking what she wanted. “Is he threatening you? I will talk to teacher Jung!” She turned around to leave.

I grabbed her wrist, maybe using a little too much strength. “Stop it. Don’t make me mad, Kangjoo-yah. Mind your own business.”

They were shocked. Indeed, they had never seen me like that before. I didn’t like to be like that anymore, though, so I let her go right away and looked the other way. I managed to apologize before I went out to search for my former friend. That’s why he was angry. Aish, these kids. I ran through the corridors, the canteen, the roof, but I didn’t find him. I was out of breath as I walked back to the classroom. Where did he go? I needed to talk to him, needed to explain that they misunderstood. I had to make them apologize, too. When I arrived I checked the classroom, but he wasn’t there. Decided to wait in front of it. I leaned against the wall, breathing slowly. Would he even talk to me after yesterday’s incident? I wasn’t sure. Too anxious to stay quietly, I walked up and down, until Heungsoo finally came back. I approached him. “Heungsoo-yah, I –“ he didn’t let me finish my sentence and hissed.

“Are you playing the victim now?” he smirked coldly.  His expression changed in a blink as he pushed me roughly to the wall. Heungsoo pressed his arm on my chest, making me unable to move. I looked into his sharp eyes, knitting my brows. I stared into his eyes quietly until the students gathered around has, including our classmates.

“Heungsoo-yah, stop it…they will misunderstand it” I whispered worrying about him.

“I will turn you into the victim, Saekki-yah.” He didn’t listen to me, even pushed me to the wall harder, making me pant for air for a second.

I grabbed his shoulders to get some space between us. “Heungsoo-yah, stop it…”

The students were anxious. “Eotteokhae?”; “What’s going on?”; “Are they fighting?”; “We should call the teachers…”; “No, they will be angry if we do”; “Look at Go Namsoon. He will get beaten up…”

“I will call the teachers” Kangjoo suddenly said, already rushing.

“NO!” I screamed, but she didn’t stop. “Aish!”

I used a little force to get away from the guy who was out of his mind. I only took a few steps back. My voice got louder. “Stop it, Saekki-yah! You will regret it!” They will not only punish you but expel you from school if you continue.

Not replying, Heungsoo hit me hard in the face. I clenched my teeth and looked at him. Hit me. Hit me a thousand times. But not here, Saekki-yah. He couldn’t control himself anymore, wanted to hit me again, but then teacher Kang and teacher Uhm appeared and held him down. He screamed in anger. I gulped. This was bad…

We had to talk to teacher Uhm separately, but I couldn’t stand this ed up situation and walked into the room without permission.

“Heungsoo did nothing wrong” were the words I uttered immediately. Teacher Uhm looked at me in surprise and Heungsoo just smirked, not even bothered to look at me.

“What are you saying? We saw it with our own eyes. He hit you.”

“Yeah…but I provoked him…so…” I stuttered.

“You want us to punish you instead?” the old man asked.

I quietly nodded. Teacher Uhm sighed. “Go back to your class, both of you. I’ll let it go this time, but if you dare to make trouble once more, I will punish you strictly.”

“Yes…”I bowed my head slightly and followed Heungsoo out. We didn’t talk on our way. It would have been even more awkward so it was alright. We sat down quietly. I looked at teacher Jung, who just started the lesson. She looked worried. Teacher Kang must have told her about the incident.

She sighed before she forced herself to smile and started talking “Today, instead of reading poems to you, I want you to write your own poems. You don’t have to think about complicated things, just write down what you feel or what you think of. Everything is possible. Should we do an example together?” she looked at me as if she knew I had to say something.

I wasn’t sure if it was the right way, but at least they would listen to me like that. Without being asked I stood up.

“Oh, Namsoon-ah” she smiled a little.

I looked down, took a deep breath and started. “Being a professional soccer player was his dream. If he wanted to become a professional soccer player the coach told him to leave the group. Anyone who leaves was supposed to get beaten up. While getting beat, his leg got crushed. The bully is a bastard.”

My voice was shaking a little. I remembered it as if just one day had passed. I clenched my fist, took all my courage and looked at Heungsoo. “And that bastard was Go Namsoon.” Silence. Everyone was shocked. They didn’t expect this. Even teacher Jung was speechless. I continued. “So what I’m saying is…stop assuming things on your own, stop creating a big mess and stop blaming innocent people.” I sat down, lay down on the desk and closed my eyes. I had no courage at all, no strength at all. Again, I hid myself…I listened to the bewildered kids chatting until class ended. Hakyung, one of my girl classmates, followed me.

“Yah, Go Namsoon. Are you okay?”

I didn’t answer.

“Yah, answer me. I’m talking to you. Why didn’t you say anything earlier? Now I know what you meant that night…”

Ah right. I told her I hated myself and wanted to throw myself away. Totally forgot. Had a sentimental day back then.

“Let’s eat together and talk.”

“It’s fine. I don’t need your pity.” I turned around a little to look at her, but saw Heungsoo staring at us instead. Turned away again. Wanted to leave.

“Who said I pitied you?” she hissed. “You were a jerk. Well, you still are, but not that kind of jerk.”

“Still don’t want to. Sorry.” I left her behind, ran away. I didn’t want Heungsoo to assume wrong things.

I was on my back home as I saw teacher Jung waiting for me, so I stopped in front of her.

“Are you okay?” she asked softly, caring as always.

“Uh…”

“You did great, Namsoon-ah. I’m proud of you.”

I just awkwardly smiled a little. That was nothing to be proud of.

“Since when did you bear this burden?”

“About three years I guess.”

“Why didn’t you just let him go?”

The pain came back again. I slightly smiled sadly. “I don’t know…I guess I didn’t want him to leave me behind. I got angry.”

It was a lie. I knew exactly why I couldn’t let go of him. But that was nothing I could tell her. The words I couldn’t even tell Heungsoo himself.

“You will make up soon, don’t worry. I will help you” she smiled confidently.

“No, I don’t want to make up with him.”

The small woman was surprised. “Why?”

“I don’t deserve to be his friend.” I smiled. I meant it. “Good night, teacher.”

I left. Didn’t want to hear comforting words. I didn’t deserve them.

I still had things to say to Heungsoo, so instead of going home, I went to his house. Knowing I needed strength, needed courage. Knowing I didn’t have any. But I went nevertheless. Just a moment after I arrived, Heungsoo appeared in front of me.

“What are you doing here?” he asked coldly with his deep voice.

I froze. Though I came here to see him, I couldn’t do anything against the pain, against the guilt, against my weakness. My body started trembling right away and I tried my best to hide it. Still unable to return his look, after a period of silence I pulled myself together and stuttered “…I’m sorry…” I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what happened years ago, I’m sorry that you have to see a bastard like me every day, I’m sorry for hurting you…I’m sorry for loving you, Heungsoo-yah. 

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bambambaaaaam~ bromance starts ò_o! this wasnt how i planned it, but anyway, hope you like it :) 

aish..tmr i have one of my final exams...ended up writing another chapter today though. but this time for real, i have to take a break. have my last exam on friday so I can write another chapter then!