Namsoon’s POV

After I calmed down a little I offered Heungsoo to go inside my house and talk properly. I hadn’t really been able to answer him, because of my outburst of emotions. Gladly, he accepted the offer and followed me, but he hesitated before he entered. I the lights, slipped off my shoes and went to the fridge to get an ice pack. My head hurt like hell and I thought it might help. Heungsoo closed the door and quietly sat down on the floor.

“W-want something to eat…?” I asked. My voice was still slightly shaking.

“I don’t need anything.”

I nodded and sat down in front of him, leaning against the wall. I quietly groaned in pain when I put the ice pack on the wound at my forehead. Somehow, I couldn’t look at Heungsoo anymore. All the pain I had caused, all the trouble I has caused…it was worse than I thought and I just hated myself.

“Why did you abandon me that day?” He suddenly asked, almost whispering.

I took a deep breath, hesitantly glanced at him before looking the other way again. The question that I feared, but wanted to be asked at the same time. After all these years, I at least had to tell him the reason, I had to do everything I could.

“I was scared…” I admitted and lowered my head. “…because I thought you wouldn’t want to see a bastard like me anymore…because…”

I clenched my fists and took courage to continue. “On top of that, if you found out I was gay…I thought you’d ditch me for sure.”

My eyes were teary once again, remembering the endless minute I stood in front of the hospital, looking at him, not knowing what to do... “Because I only had you…If those words came out from your mouth, then I wouldn’t have had anywhere to go…I’d have had no reason to continue this awful life...I’m sorry, Heungsoo-yah…”

I dropped the ice pack and buried my face in my hands when I burst into tears, not able to hold back my emotions.

-       3 years ago     -

When I first met this annoying bastard I’d never thought we would end up like that, as best friends. We nearly spent every day together. Heungsoo became the one I’d trust, the one I’d rely on, the one I’d open up to. Whenever I was lonely he somehow sensed it, hugged me, ruffled my hair, let me stay over, bought me ramyeon, all in all he cheered me up. No matter what, he was always by my side and I fell in love with him. I hadn’t told him I was gay yet, because I was scared, but I felt bad about it. However, I thought it might be better not to tell him and enjoy the time I got with him. But then that day came.

“Namsoon-ah!!” Heungsoo shouted happily, approached me and hugged me immediately.

“What’s up?” I giggled.

“I got an offer to play for a soccer team in Seoul!”

My heart skipped a beat and I swear it felt like something inside me broke apart. I faked a smile, but wanted to cry. Of course, I was happy for him, but…he’d leave me. He’ll leave me…Heungsoo didn’t even seem to think about that aspect at the moment and told me about every little detail the coach had told him.

“Ah right, I have to leave the gang, too…The coach said that’s his condition to let me go.”

Even leaving the gang? The gang was said to be the most important thing in his life. And now he’d just abandon us? I felt uneasy. Childishly I felt urge to ask him not to leave, but I knew it was his dream and I didn’t want to be in his way. So I decided to smile no matter what, to let him go no matter what. I wanted him to be happy.

However, it wasn’t going to end peacefully. Two days after he told me, all gang members knew about it and one of them, Taesun, a guy I wasn’t even talking to that much, approached me suddenly, dragging me to a quiet place so we could talk alone.

“Yah, Tsunami. Aren’t you angry that he abandons you just like that?”

I knitted my brows. “He doesn’t abandon me, he’s just following his dream.”

He hissed and smirked. “Come on, he doesn’t even care if he sees you again or not, does he? I bet he didn’t even talk about that once.”

Well…he was right. Heungsoo never mentioned me, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care…

“See, I’m right. He isn’t the type to care about others when it affects his own life.”

What does that bastard even know? Heungsoo always cared for me!

“But more importantly, did you tell him you want him?”

My eyes widened a little. “What did you just say?”

“That you are in love with your best friend.” He smirked. “Come one, did you really think you hid it well? You joined us because of him in the first place. And the look you give him every time he appears clearly says “I love you”.”

“I-I don’t know what you are talking about.” I stuttered. Was I really that obvious?...

“Well, continue to pretend you don’t like him. However, you should know that he really hates homos. So, it’s better to abandon him before he abandons you.”

He shoved his hands into his pockets and turned around, ready to leave. “Ah, don’t forget we are going to beat him up tonight. It’s our tradition, no matter who it is. You have to join us.”

These were his last words. He left. He is wrong. Heungsoo isn’t like that. Honestly, he is way too nice for this gang anyway. Hating homos? …no, that’s a lie. He isn’t like that…I think…in the end it was a good decision not to tell him…I don’t want him to hate me…even if he forgets about me after he leaves…I don’t want him to remember me as someone disgusting…

Night. We all gathered, knowing what was going to happen. When they started to beat Heungsoo up, he quietly accepted every punch, every kick. I hardly was able to watch this. I wanted to protect him, but I couldn’t. This was the sign of him leaving, him abandoning me. Though I didn’t want to, I was so scared and angry at the same time. I didn’t want him to leave me. I really didn’t want it. How was I going to live? After my parents abandoned me, I couldn’t take it if he was going to leave me behind, too. But what kind of friend am I when I beg him to stay? I can’t do that…Just because I love him, I can’t do that. It’s not like I was a good friend either and Heungsoo was always there for me, he cared for me all this time, did everything for me. I wanted to be thankful for the time we spent together instead of complaining and making things difficult for him. Suddenly someone pushed me a little from behind.

“Come one, do it!” Taesun ordered me to join.

I knew that I had to. If I didn’t they weren’t going to stop, so I decided to kick him once lightly. No matter what, I didn’t want to hurt him. So I really was just going to slightly kick him in the stomach, but…because of the mess inside me, I seemed to lose control over my body…I used more strength than I wanted and also accidentally hit the wrong spot. He screamed in pain. I froze. My heart skipped a beat and my eyes widened, I couldn’t breathe. What have I done? I couldn’t believe what was happening. My body felt heavy in an instant and I just wanted to die. The others ran away immediately, leaving him behind just like that. I pulled myself together and called the ambulance. Heungsoo looked at me with eyes full of pain. I wanted to say something, but I couldn’t. When I heard the siren I was suddenly scared and hid, still not able to realize what was happening.

I went to the nearest hospital. It took me a while, but I didn’t care. I had to see him. However…when I arrived and saw him through the window, looking at me with those sharp eyes, for the first time full of hatred, I was too scared to go in. I knew he would abandon me, I knew he would hate me. How could I continue to stay by his side like that? I didn’t deserve it. I wasn’t able to protect him…I wasn’t even able to tell him I love him and didn’t want to hurt him. How should I ever face him like that? If he found out, he was definitely going to hate me even more. I should have protected him, I should’ve stayed by his side. Now it was too late…if he told me to never see him again...I shook my head slightly and ran away.

-       Back in time     -

The guilt and pain I felt were still there, 3 years ago and now. I didn’t know what to do anymore. I loved him so much, I wanted to apologize again and again. But that wouldn’t help him, I couldn’t help him at all. A bastard like me, I shouldn’t even have the right to be next to him anymore. But now I even know that I was really important to him. In the past I really felt like he didn’t really care, but now I knew it wasn’t the case…I was glad… Suddenly something cold was pressed on my forehead. I rubbed my eyes and looked at Heungsoo who had quietly sat down beside me and took care of my wound gently.

“Don’t cry, Saekki-yah.” He said with a calming voice. “I understand why you thought I’d abandon you after the incident…but why did you think I’d mind you being gay?...I really liked you the way you were, gay or straight doesn’t matter. And…I still do. So stop crying now… I don’t like it.”

Did I just hear right? …he didn’t mind and…he still liked me…? Instead of calming down, I burst into tears even more, sobbing like a child. He was too nice, I didn’t deserve this…but I was so glad, so relieved, so in love…I automatically leaned my head against his shoulder and cried my heart out. He hesitantly grabbed my hand and interlaced our fingers. I buried my face in my other hand once again, not able to believe how lucky I was to have a friend like Heungsoo.

 

soo..i hope you like this chapter :D i tried my best to describe namsoon's emotions..but i feel like i failed xD i just wanted to show that he was a mess and in love but also angry and hurt and not sure what to do and so on x__x hope it didn't turn out too bad

also i wanted to thank everyone for commenting, reading and voting this story TT______TT I'm really happy about it and always start smiling like crazy when i read a new lovely comment >__< you guys are the best !!