The car ride was full of an awkward air that lingered around and a silence that spoke more than words could. He decided to take the long way and I was very well aware that it was because he wanted to try and start a conversation with me. I kept my eyes focused on the road and took notice of anything we passed by.

At one point, we stopped at an intersection. To the right, there was a soccer game going on specifically held for young boys and their Fathers. The tension in the car grew even more when we passed it and I began to wonder whether he purposely made us drive by it.

“Sehun, can you at least look at me?” he asked at the next intersection.

I didn’t say anything to my Father and just stuck my ear buds in my ears. I could feel his sigh as he continued to drive.

As we drove by an ice-cream shop an image of me as a boy appeared in my mind. I was holding onto my Father’s hand while he guided me into the shop. He bought two ice-cream cones; one for me and one for my Mother.

I always asked for the chocolate one and my Mother always requested vanilla.  Looking back, I realized it was a tradition meant to be broken.

The reminiscence of my past didn’t end there, though. Another image came up in my mind when we passed my elementary school. This time, I was playing on the soccer team. It was the final game of the season and if we won, we would be declared the champions. Being a ten year old boy, that was all that mattered.

I pictured the crowd again. There were many people rooting for their children but amongst the crowd, only my Father mattered.

So when the ball found its way over to me that day, I made sure to do everything my Dad taught me. I handled the ball the way he told me to and made sure to guard it well. And when I kicked, I kicked with the perfect amount of force for it to land in the top left hand corner of the net.

The whistle blew, the match was over and everyone was jumping up and down while hugging me.

“We won!” My teammates screamed as they ran to me. I laughed and smiled with them.

After their energy died down, I looked around the field for my Father.

“Son!”

I recognized the heavy voice and turned around to see him running to me. I met him in the middle of the field and he greeted me with a great big hug.

“That was great, Sehun!”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“You know, you played really well that day,” My Father said, bringing me out of the memory.

The music had already stopped playing and I unfortunately forgot to put the songs on replay. I was sure he knew that I had heard him since there was no longer a faint sound of music booming my earphones. I was surprised that he knew what I was thinking of.

“Thanks, Dad.”

It was at that moment that nostalgia hit me with full force. I hadn’t spoken those words after that night. It was after that night that my innocence became a bitter memory.

I all of a sudden wanted to be back on that soccer field with the shiny green grass underneath me, with my blue shorts and jersey all worn out and my knee pads stained green.

“Why don’t you play anymore?” He asked me as he pulled into my driveway.

“Soccer lost its meaning the very night I played that well,” I said as I got out, “Thanks for dropping me off.”

I slung my backpack over my shoulder and walked up the 3 steps that led to my porch. I took out my keys and entered the dimly lit home.

“I’m back,” I called as I dropped my bag on the couch in the living room. I walked into the kitchen and saw my Mom making food.

“Hi, honey,” My Mom said as she grabbed some peppers to add to whatever she was cooking. “Is your Dad still outside?”

“I don’t know.”

“He said he was going to stay for dinner.”

I raised my eyebrows, completely not expecting this. My Dad never stayed over for dinner and only entered our house when absolutely necessary. I looked back at the door and contemplated whether I should go unlock it or not.

I decided not to.

○●○●○

So there we sat, 4 of us on the table looking like a seemingly normal family. Sun Hi talked about her day and emphasized the part where she had her cookies stolen. My Mother and I knew that she was lying as she had a tendency to say that so she could get extra dessert.

My Father, on the other hand, fell for her trick and promised her ice-cream after dinner.

Ah, the nostalgia.

“How was your day at the hospital, Sehun?” My Mother asked. I looked up at my Dad who smiled back at me.

“It was fine.”

“Did you do anything fun?” My Father asked.

“No.”

My Father awkwardly cleared his throat before looking down at his plate.

“May I be excused?” I asked as politely as possible. My Mother said yes and so I took my plate, put it in the sink and proceeded to the bathroom to take a shower.

○●○●○

I walked out of the washroom and ran my right hand through my damp hair. I shook a bit of the water out as I walked into my room.

What surprised me, though, was that my Mother was sitting on the bed. When she sensed my presence, she opened her eyes and smiled at me.

“Sit here,” She ordered as she pat the spot next to her. I, of course, complied and walked over to sit down next to her.

“You didn’t like it, did you?” She asked. It was obvious that she was referring to the fact that I had to go on a drive with my Father.

“Nope.”

“He really wanted to, Sehun. I couldn’t say no,” She said as she put a hand on mine. I nodded my head in understanding and didn’t put any blame on her.

“He has a way with words, I’m sure.”

She chuckled bitterly, “Yes, he does.”

“I’m sorry,” I said randomly. I decided it was best to apologize now. I had planned on doing it earlier, anyway. She looked up at me but I refused to meet eyes with her.

“I’m sorry, really. I promise to do better now.”

“You broke trust, Sehun. I know I never scolded you or anything, but I just couldn’t bring myself to it. I was confused at the time and just wanted to get things out of the way. But, we can rebuild that trust, right?”

I nodded my head, “Yes, we can.”

“So now tell me, how was your day?”

I laughed a bit, “It was fun, actually. I showed the guys some skateboarding tricks and even got some delicious chocolate milk.” I thought back to Myungsoo’s milk dilemma.

“But, Mom, one of the guys can’t drink chocolate milk. He’s weird but interesting.”

“Tell me about them. How many are there? Seven?” She was growing more interested and I was too.

“Yes, and one girl. Well, there’s Sunggyu who is the oldest. He’s nice and seems to look over everybody equally. He answers pretty straightforwardly but it’s refreshing. Then there’s Dongwoo and Mom, his laugh is contagious!” I broke out into a big smile just thinking of it.

“But anyway, he’s pretty encouraging and I feel calm around him. There’s one named Woohyun but he sleeps a lot. They all sleep a lot, actually. But, Woohyun definitely the most. Then there’s Sungyeol and he talks a lot. Sometimes too much if you ask me. But it’s fine, I guess.”

My Mom laughed when I said that and waited for me to finish.

“There’s Myungsoo who has a dimple and is the one who gave me the chocolate milk. He’s sometimes quiet and sometimes very friendly. The youngest is Sungjong who likes skateboarding but hasn’t had a chance to learn yet. He’s the one who asked me to show him my tricks.”

“Ohhhh,” My Mother nodded. “They seem like a bunch of good boys! I’d love to meet them one day. But what about the girl?”

“Her name is Haneul and she speaks ignorantly sometimes. I haven’t talked to her much. I rarely see her.”

“Ahh,” My Mother nodded once again. I could tell she was happy that I was talking to her about my day. This was the most we had talked in a while.

○●○●○

“You’re not going to let him come over often, are you?” I asked as I looked through my window at Sun Hi and my Father. They were holding ice cream cones; chocolate and vanilla, while sitting on the curb. Sun Hi talked animatedly and my Father smiled and nodded at what she said. But why exactly was he here?

The only times he ever came to our house was on Christmas and that just consisted of a mere exchange of holiday wishes and a gift he brought for us.

“No, I don’t intend on it. I wouldn’t do that to you guys.”

“Good,” I said as I put one arm around her. “We have to be better with our words than he could ever be.”

It was then when I felt that we had this new trust truly build between us. Looking out the window together was a way of us joining sides. I felt fresh and optimistic. I even decided to write in that journal my teacher gave me that night. It was a simple entry:

                Innocence and trust lie hand in hand. It’s a horrible thing, really. Maybe because when innocence takes over, trust follows and trust is by far the hardest thing that there is to do. Because at one point or another, we don’t truly trust as much as we say we do. Because at one point or another, trust is broken. But the absolute hardest part about trust is the fact that it comes with the one thing we want so badly; innocence.

                But what about those who can’t experience innocence? Can they  trust when their innocence is gone?