He, the one who quietly pays attention, has figured something is off about the woman he fell for. Something was wrong and rather off about the woman who managed to flutter his heart. She was indeed different. She wasn’t that much flawless, as how she used to be in his eyes. There were flaws inside her, slowly unveiling themselves to the Chinese boy. Yet rather than running away like how most people would, he found her flaws charming. It urged him to protect her, to heal her, to stay beside her. It made him wanted to stick closely to her.

She was caught off-guard twice by him. He was having a hard time sleeping ever since she moved to the EXO dorm. It was temporary though; there will be one day when she would have to return to her own house. He keeps thinking about her day and night, and sometimes knowing she’s someone else woman made his heart ache. But maybe, just maybe, some ways still existed for him to get close to her. And that is maybe the reason why he always keeps an eye on her.

It was always around eleven or twelve and sometimes around one or two o’clock in the morning, where people are deep in their sleep. He’d always found her, with an uneasy expression, standing behind the kitchen counter as her hand rumbled inside her purse. She’d look rather desperate, with her uneven breathing and panic self. She’d be holding tight to her chest, as if she has suffered from some kind of illness. And then, with one swift movement, she’d swallow three white pills down . It was quite surprising, how she would return to her normal flawless self in no time.

He has been watching her, whether she has noticed. He has been watching her from a far, having the urge to help her yet can’t. It would be too much. He fears his heart won’t be able to take it any longer. Something about the woman was very attractive that he can’t help but to fall for her charms, just like those who had hidden feeling for her. Those pills, there are times when he would wonder what those are, but sure enough it wasn’t drug. He’s a celebrity after all, many of his old friends fall for drugs and differing them won’t be hard at all. The pills, those white pills are definitely something else.

It was morning, a rather leisure one compared to the day before. The EXO were lazing around, enjoying themselves while watching some TV shows. It was as usual, a noisy morning that would wake up their neighbor. Lee Ji Eun, the only woman in the dorm, woke up the earliest has she rushes to the kitchen, to prepare some breakfast, while her boyfriend was fast asleep.

He was quietly glancing at her, the corner of his eyes never failed to steal glances at her. She still looked pretty, despite the fact that she wore no makeup and the fact that last night, he had caught her again. She looked slightly pale though, as always. Morning has never been a friend of hers, she’d look terribly pale in the morning and sometimes she’d feel sick. She hates morning; somehow he has managed to figure it out silently.

She suddenly tugs a strand of hair behind her ear, causing the Chinese boy to blush. It made his heart flutters, the way she runs her fingertips down her silky brown hair and tugs it behind her cute ears. She continues cutting down some vegetables, again, unable to notice his lovely stares at her. She had a faint smile on her plump lips that made her looked even prettier.

The echoing footsteps, coming closer to first floor, made Luhan turn his gaze immediately. He quickly engaged himself to the movie with an anxious heart. It wasn’t a question to be asked, the owner of the footsteps was no other than Kim Jongin, the only member who was still asleep at the moment. Some has gone out to grab some fresh air, some has to do the laundry, and the only person who’s free was Kim Jongin.

Kim Jongin has taken a notice of it, although he has yet to tell his lover. He has caught the Chinese boy countless time that soon it annoyed him. Luhan, the boy has always been staring at Jieun for the past few days and Jongin found it quite annoying. He found it very uncomfortable and distracting. He suddenly had the urged to claim Jieun as his so no one would ever touch her. It wasn’t unusual though, the fact that people always stares at the lovely Lee Ji Eun. Yet as a man, he could differ people gaze. His, unfortunately, was different. People stares at her with the gaze of admiration but his, it’s more likely to be a man in love.

Luhan has found it quite uncomfortable when Jongin is around Jieun. They would hang around each other, sending those romantic gazes. They would peck each other on the lips, sweetly greeting each other with a typical good morning. It disgusts him, yet he had no right to stop them. They’re lover after all. And Luhan has been aware of Jongin, that boy has realized he had something for his lover. He hasn’t been giving him a good impression. He has been glaring at him for the past few days, as if he was warning him never to get close to his girlfriend.

And it was as usual, a sweet peck on the lips. Yet today, Kim Jongin pulled the peck to a passionate kiss and deepens it even more. As if he knows Luhan was watching. The Chinese boy was helpless; he clenches his teeth in order not to burst in anger. He was jealous, despite the fact that he knows he didn’t have the right to feel that way. He was simply jealous and sometimes he just wanted to scream out loud for being such a stupid man – he falls for the wrong woman.

***

“Ji… Jieun… you’re pushing me away.” He was surprised, when she pushes him away to stop the kiss.

“Do… do I? I’m sorry.” She quickly with draws herself, avoiding his gaze as she continued cutting the vegetables to tiny little pieces.

“You’re acting weird again. What’s wrong, Jieun?” He wrapped an arm around her tiny waist and rested his chin against her small shoulder. To his surprised, she flinches.

“N… nothing. I’m perfectly fine.”

“Jieun… this is not you. You’re avoiding me. What’s wrong, Jieun?”

“Everything is fine, Jongin.”

“Is it about yesterday? Are you still worried? Don’t you believe me? I love you, Jieun. I love you and will always love you. I will only look at you and only love you. Believe in me Jieun. Have I ever lied to you?”

She helplessly shook her head as his warmth overwhelms her. His hot breath against her ear made her heart beat faster, her breathing turn uneven, as her heart flutters for so much more. She could feel her cheek turning hot and red. He tightens his grip on her waist and he gently turns her around, asking her to face him and look at him in the eyes.

“Look at me, Jieun. I love you. Do you love me? Do you believe me?”

“I love you, Jongin.”

And by that, he pulled her to another kiss, with his eyes directed to the pained Chinese boy.

***

“Oh God…” The twelve boys, excluding Kim Jongin were seriously watching the TV when breaking news comes and dropped by, making all of them gasped in shock.

Jieun was there, she was about to go upstairs to find her boyfriend after finishing her job in the kitchen. It was such important news that it generates the boy’s curiosity, which ended up with them turning up the volume. It suddenly distracts her and the same words seem to spin around her head, echoing inside her pitch dark head, haunting her. Those words keep on exiting and entering her ear that it slowly freaks her out.

“How could such a thing happen?” The youngest said, biting his lower lips.

“I pity them. How could that happen?” Xiumin stick his eyes to the small screen in front of him.

“It’s just… tragic…”

“How did it crash?”

The commotion has yet to end; none of them turn their gaze off the screen. While Lee Ji Eun was standing there, frozen, her body turns limp. She wanted to run, she felt a huge urge of wanting to run away, yet her body won’t move. Her eyes widen and it felt as if something has been trying to choke her. She could feel a huge force around her neck, trying to stop her from breathing any longer.

Crash. It crash. Crash. Crash.

The words spin, driving her to a never-ending darkness. Her body turns limp; she felt her energy being drained out from her body. Her legs were trembling, wobbling around, before ended up falling on the ground. She had hard time breathing, she tried clenching her chest but it wasn’t useful at all. Instead, she had harder time breathing. It didn’t take long, before her vision turn to pure pitch black darkness and she wasn’t able to rescue herself from it. She falls deeper and deeper, to the darkness vision.

Her chest was pounding hard. Her body turns cold within seconds and she was barely breathing, yet none pay attention to her. None was there to rescue her, not even the Chinese boy. They were so engrossed to the news and it was undeniable how she fell deeper and deeper. She tried to reach out her hands for a cup of cold water to cool down her and grabbed those pills she left on the table, yet she can’t. She was paralyzing, no parts of her body could move.

It was a blinding light that suddenly comes to her pitch-dark vision. Her chest pounds even harder, her breathing stop for those very seconds. And then, it turns darker. It truly felt like she was falling to the darkness, to the abyss. And at times like this, she’d lose hope. She’d lose the hope to continue being alive. She’d like to be dead as she found no point of living in this world any longer.

“Turn it off, damn it!”

The screams made the boy jumps off in shocked. It was loud and demanding, it sounds very angry. The boys quickly take their eyes off the small screen and turn their head to find one of the youngest glaring at them in anger. The petite figure next to him was turning pale and weak; it was very obvious how she has lost all of her energy. She looked slightly pale just now, but none would ever imagine her turning that much pale. She didn’t look alive at all.

The Chinese boy was the most surprised, his chest was pounding hard seeing how weak and fragile she had become. She was clenching her chest so tightly, trying to breathe her lungs out. Her plump lips was bleeding, she may have bitten it for too hard. Her skin turn very pale and he knows it must be cold. He wanted to run to her and protect her and helps her, yet he had no right to do so. He clenches his fist, watching how the younger man protects her – the only man who had the right to do so.

“Jieun… Jieun…” Jongin gently shook her body, trying to pull her out of the darkness.

Her warm brown orbs that used to be glistening in beautiful glimmering lights suddenly turn cold and lifeless. It wasn’t his first time seeing her being so fragile, seeing her losing hopes to live, and at times like this, he’d be very scared. She felt so far away, out of his grasp, as if he had failed to protect his love on. He fears he would lose her and pulling her out of it would be hard. Once, he had found her, trying to kill herself and it broke him to pieces.

“Jieun-ah… it’s okay now. I’m here. I’m here. Everything is going to be fine.”

It was dark, not even the slightest light was there. She doubts the light could even light it up. Everything turn pitch dark in her vision and it felt like her energy was drained pulled toward that never-ending darkness. It was cold and she was very lonely. Something about it saddens her, it pains her so much that she wanted to cry, but no tears escaped her eyes. She was there; ready to sink deeper, when a voice suddenly called her. It sounded desperate, that it moved her cold heart. Yet the promises it creates, the words of liar it said, it broke her.

“Jongin…”

But she loves him so much that it didn’t matter anymore.

“Jieun-ah, please don’t ever do that to me ever again.” His voice cracked, pulling her closer to his warm embrace.

“I’m sorry.”

“Are you all out of your mind??! You do know you can’t watch such a thing! Why are you doing this to me?!” He suddenly burst in anger, much to the boys surprised.

“Wha- what is wrong with you, Kai?”

“Don’t you see? She almost died because of you!”

But before the argument could continue, there was a knocked on the door. The twelve pair of eyes quickly darted their gaze on the only woman in the room. Jongin curses under his breath, before wrapping her with his warm cardigan and brought her up stairs to his room. With his gentle and heart-warming voice, he asked her to waits, as he has some business to settle. He was anxious though, knowing she was in no condition to be left alone.

He came back after a long 10 minutes, slowly bringing her downstairs. He found her chewing her lower lips while biting her nails. He hugs her to another heart-warming hugs, trying to comfort her as best as he could. It was at times like this when he felt so broken. It felt as if his heart was taken away somewhere else, tortured to be in pain.

“Jieun-ah, I have to leave for a radio. You need to go home and take some rest. Please, don’t drink, don’t do anything crazy. Please, just wait for me, I would run to you as soon as it ends.”

She was still in a daze, after the incident. The words have yet to stop spinning inside her head. It was something that bound her to her past, unable to struggle free. It was something that has been torturing her without mercy – her reason for being such an insane person, for doing what she has been doing for years, the reason why she has yet to smile happily.

“Tsk, damn it!” he curses, “Xiumin hyung, could you please her?” his eyes scan for another person. A sigh escape his lips, knowing he had no choice but to chose the Chinese boy who had set his eyes on her. “And you too, Luhan hyung.”

The Chinese boy blink his eyes twice, trying to make sure it is not a dream. His chest suddenly pounds hard, knowing he could spent some time with her and maybe he could get closer to her. Yet, seeing how worse she looked, he knows he had another thing to do. He wanted, for once, he wanted to heal her.

***

Xiumin must have been surprised to see her house were no different than a rusty old apartment. It was surrounded by crimes and poor people. Jieun knows it, the boys must be surprised. It may not be a surprised to those who have visited her before, like Baekhyun or Suho, but it will be for those who have yet to know her. It truly wasn’t a good place to live in, yet she had chosen to stay there for a life time. None has yet to change her mind, not even Jongin.

The two boys stayed quiet, despite the fact that they’re quite shocked. They wonder how an idol could live here. It was very uncomfortable and it reeks the smell of alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, and rotten things. They took the stairs and it was creating such an annoying sound – it was creaking. It was very scary how it would shakes every time they took a step forward, as if it would not be long before the whole building crumble down. If an earthquake ever happens, this place would definitely be destroyed to pieces.

They arrived in front of a rusty wooden door, though it was one of the best compared to others. Jieun took out her golden key, which looked as if it had come from the 80s. Luhan wonders how her room would look like, yet before she could click the door open, the two was kicked out of the place. With her soothing voice, she politely pushes them away.

“It has been very nice of you, thank you, but right now… I truly need some time alone.”

And with that, they have no choice but to returns.

***

It wasn’t a very good choice of his, sending her home. He should have asked her to stay instead, or at least her to Jiyeon’s place. She’d all be cheered up and better. It was a very wrong choice of him. He shouldn’t have sent her home, because there, she’d drown herself to the darkness and things could happen.

She tossed her keys and bags to the old rusty couch and bumps herself to her single-sized bed. There were empty bottles in front of her, it still reeks the smell of alcohol though. Jongin may have asked her not to drink and not to do any stupid things, but again she was unable to do so. As much as she wanted to make him happy, she wasn’t able to free herself off her bound to the past.

She walked up to her fridge, it was dusty and old, not to mention small. She hasn’t cleaned it for days or maybe even months. It was filled with rotten things, no longer edible and the smell was truly something that would make you throw up in no time. But she has gone used to it. In one swift movement, she took out three bottles of soju, harshly opening it and quickly gulping it down .

Crash. It crash. Crash.

The words, no matter how much she drank, it wouldn’t get off her mind. It would still be there, spinning around, slowly driving her crazy. She was desperate to free herself off, yet the more she tried, the more she was bounded to it. Her third bottle and she has yet to free herself off it. She wasn’t drunk at all, it wasn’t enough. She took out another bottle and another yet even until her fifth she was still sober.

It was frustrating, how her memories from five years ago return and haunt her down. She was desperate to erase those memories yet it was stuck at some point where she could no longer free herself. She ruffled her hair, she bangs her head the walls, but none work. She pulled her hair even hurt herself but none work. The pain won’t ease nor the memories would fade, instead it got clearer and stronger.

And she screams.

***

Rather than going straight home after being kicked out by the owner, Luhan decided to stroll around for a bit. He was quite anxious, seeing how Jieun has been acting for the past hour. She seems to be engrossed in her thoughts, her gaze changes to a gaze full of fear and darkness. She keeps chewing her bottom lips and bites her nails. She looked so fragile and broken, as if she would crumble any time soon. It made him anxious, as if something bad is about to happen.

He let Xiumin goes home while he secretly enters the place and wait for her by the door. He could hear nothing but pure silence, not even faint sobs. He could hear some clanking sounds of bottles colliding against each other. He could faintly smells the alcohol, but wasn’t sure if its truly hers. The whole place reeks of alcohol and there are times when it made his stomach sick. He has been having the urge to throw up, yet he cared about her more than that.

A shattering sound of broken glass and a screams shocked him. He was standing still, thinking about her, when her screams shocked him. He was lucky the door was unlocked that he barged in easily. It was dark and it smells rotten. The place felt cold and uncomfortable, as if the sun hasn’t entered for ages. It reeks the smell of alcohol and everything seems to be dusty and rusty. It made him cringes in disgust, but then he could smell the faint aroma of blood.

“Jieun?!”

She was there, standing with a broken bottle of soju. It was shattered to pieces, on the ground. Her wrist was injured, dripping out blood. It didn’t take long before the white floor was covered in red stains of blood. He stares at her in horror, quickly grabbing her wrist to stop the bleeding. She was there, standing still with a blank and lifeless expression.

Don’t tell me such a lie, Jongin. Nothing is going to be alright.