She lived in a whole new world. When she arrived home and flicked her lights on, she saw magic. For someone who has lost everything, she saw magic. Her eyes lit up for a few seconds and maybe longer, when she saw the dazzling stars. It was a pleasant surprise, to flick the lights on and see them flickered beautifully and shined brightly. Lee Ji Eun was pleasantly surprised to see the antique-design lights hanging on her ceilings. It flickers in different colors of white and yellow. It was a bright world, a world she never imagined she could live in.

Her surroundings, too, looked magical. She must be in her dreamland. Everything seemed so unreal. She feared she might be spoiled by such a beautiful thing. Her walls were painted in a cream pastel color with cheery blossoms painted on it. The color was perfect for her. It was not too bright or too pale, simply calming. The changes were not too drastic either. It gave her space to adjust and take her time, to step slowly as it pushed her to change. It was no longer the grayish dark wall, that surrounds her and sunk her deeper in her little darkness.

Her curtains weren’t the dark-blue anymore, it was peach. The color matched the cheery blossoms drawn on her walls. It has a floral pattern on it, not too much or too little, the way she loved it. She knew morning would come earlier and sun shines would great her every now and then. A picture of a garden was stuck on her wall, so she couldn’t stare outside anymore. It kept her away from thinking about the despicable lives she leads and how despicable her world is. She knew how he meant it to be. Her ceilings, too, was painted in a pure white color. It was beautiful and very pure.

It was late at night, she was drenched and cold, yet warmness was surrounding her. She realized he fixed her heater. It was a warm spring night, where she didn’t need to tremble in cold anymore. A very nice scent was greeting the tip of her nose every now and then. Her room did not reek of alcohol, rather it greeted her with the wonderful scent of cherry blossoms and green tea. He placed pots of beautiful flowers in every corner of her room. He tidied everything and painted everything. He changed everything.

When she sat on her bed, it was bigger than usual. It was no longer the hard bed she usually slept on, it was softer and comfortable. The sheets were not the rusty white-colored sheets, but a floral pattern one. Her furniture was changed into a better one. He designed everything beautifully. She loved it. At the moment, she lived in a whole new world, where everything was not static. For a moment or two, everything flickers beautifully as the world spun temporarily.

She lived in a brand new world.

Was it okay to live in such a wonderful world?

No, it was not. She couldn’t. She shouldn’t.

***

They said time would eventually heal everything. She realized it was not wrong. She realized time was another harmless friend who wishes for nothing but to heal her pain. Time would eventually heal her wound and took all her pain. All she needed to do was to wait patiently and lean on it. So, silently, she leaned on it, giving her everything for time to heal her pain. She patiently waited. She was willing to wait; she was willing to lean on it.

She waited a year and two, for another long year, until she realized time was not completely harmless. She waited, year by year. She waited for seven years, yet her wounds were alive and hurting. How much longer does she need to wait? Perhaps, her wound was too deep for time to heal. So, she waited longer. She was willing to lean more on time, to wait even more. Despite not being so harmless.

Time, different from what she thought, was not completely harmless. Rain was a harmless and kind friend, who walked with her through her darkness time, a true companion. Time, in the other hand, silently walk by her side. It remained unnoticed, as she silently lean on it, without any certainty. During days when she waited, time exposed her to the cruel outside world. As she waited for her wounds to heal, she met people. People who are disappointing, people who are cruel, people who are two-faced, people… people… During the time where she waited for time, she gained much more wounds. Time was not completely harmless, after all.

A deep breath was enough for her to put an end to her never-ending thought. She was sitting on a café downtown, where idols often spent their free time. Some were silently dating on a beautiful spring day, some were trying to empty their mind, some were enjoying their free time, while others simply stared outside the window. She sat next to the window, her latte growing cold. Her fingers were dancing on the edge of the circular wooden table, tapping on it gently. The watch on her hand ticking as time passed by, a synch with her growing anxiety.

She stared outside the window, still tapping on the table gently, as she inhaled a deep breath every now and then. She was patiently waiting. She knew she was growing very aware of the ticking clock. The sounds of it was driving her insane, slowly echoing inside her head. Every second, when the clock ticked, she would feel panic. Those anxiety attacks would come worse than before, once the clock ticked. Her heartbeats were irregular, three to four times faster than before. She felt anxious, she felt scared. Everything seemed to be going very fast, without any breaks. Her breath grew shorts and cold sweats drip down inside, with her hands shaking. Chronophobia, suddenly she felt that way.

It happened this morning with all the changes happening. She woke up after her nightmares, panic was attacking her to her veins, when she suddenly jumped from her dreams, and found herself surrounded by the blinding sun shines. It did not stop, in fact it turned worse. She couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t speak, and she could hear the ticking clock with everything moving too fast. Her heartbeats went irregular, almost exploding. Since then, she has been growing very aware of the ticking clock. Everything seemed to move very fast while the clock ticked in a very slow motion.

It did not usually happen. Her panic attack came constantly, but to grow worse to such an extent was rare, almost first in the past month. In any day, she’d wake up after her nightmares; her shortness of breath would be gone seconds later. She felt safe in the darkness. She felt safe and secured. She would wake up in the darkness, wondering if she was dead. But this morning she woke up wondering if she was alive, if she should be alive, if she should be living in the light.

When the café’s door swung opened for the fifth time this morning, she stopped her head from thinking and shifted her gaze to see if he had arrived. He did and his eyes, once again, amused her. It was a beautiful pair of eyes, as always. The bell moved, creating tingling sounds which caused her to feel even worse. She was paranoid, something similar to claustrophobic but worse. She gripped her bag tightly as she sipped her coffee, hoping it might help. No, it didn’t.

Luhan settled himself comfortably in front of her. Eyes were staring at them, but they were too busy in their own world to mingle with others business. He could sense her uneasiness while she could sense his silent smile. It was rare for her to call, even for Jongin. So what made her call him in a bright spring day, when they both knew it was a season to work hard for. Once again, Jieun gave him a meaningful stare before rummaging through her bag.

“Luhan-ssi,” she called as she pulled out an envelope and pushed it to him. “I want you to take it.”

Luhan stared back at her, while she shifted her gaze somewhere else. She feared his pair of eyes. She missed them. Something about it made her weak. It was not a surprise at all, seeing how she had offered him an envelope. It was a thick one, of course. What she had offered him was no other than money, to repay what he had done for her the other days. And perhaps, for him not to meet her again. Luhan knew she was desperate for break free from him. He wondered what he should do.

“I cannot.” He said, pushing the envelope back to the figure in front of him.

Today, her eyes were different than usual. Her eyes lit up in various color, dazzling, and beautiful. Her makeup was better than usual, too. She looked so calm and wonderful today. Luhan wondered if he had managed to fix something about her. Before the envelope could rest well in front of her, she stopped him again, her hands pushing back the envelope.

“I’m begging you,” she smiled, “please take it.” Again, she leaned back on her chair. “You spent so much money fixing my apartment. I am thankful for that.”

“I’m not asking anything in return, IU-ssi.” His statement managed to make her stared deeper at him. She knew it was a lie. He had not done a kindness for nothing. Why would someone so bright and cheerful like him helped such a despicable woman? She found no reason at all.

“Then, please accept this,” she stated, “and please don’t come to find me again.”

“IU-ssi, I –“

“Luhan-ssi,” she placed her hands on top of his. His was warm while hers was cold. “I need time. More than anything in the world, I need time.”

It silenced him. He knew she would need time. He was willing to wait, yet for how much longer? Suddenly, he longed for certainty. When she finally pushed the envelope toward him, to the other side of the circular table, she spun her heels and left. He stared at the white envelope, while eyes started to stare down at him. It was twice the amount he had spent for her. She wanted him to be away for good.

Lee Ji Eun – more than anything in the world – was willing to lean on time, silently and patiently, without any certainty. If time took another seven years for her to heal, then she would wait. If it took an eternity to heal, then she would wait. It was the only thing she was willing to lean on, to trust, to take. Time – as kindness was – was a mystery.

***

Lee Ji Eun badly wanted to ask the man what was his motive for being very kind. He knew she was broken enough, she lost everything and she had nothing to give. He could steal everything she had, she had nothing. All she had was this popularity and money. She did not have a life. What was the point of owning much money and popularity, when she did not have life? Perhaps, that was what he wanted, to use her for his popularity, to steal her money away. If it was what he wants, she would give it all willingly. She did not prefer to be backstabbed and hurt anymore. But she knew he was different in a mysterious way and it dwelled fear inside her.

Was he sincere? She couldn’t even differ the bad from the goods, the fake from the real, she couldn’t differ anything. Kai, who had sworn upon his life that he wouldn’t hurt her still, ended up backstabbing her. What guarantee Luhan, the man who she had only known for three months, wouldn’t backstab her? There was no guarantee. So, was he sincere? All she asked for was one sincerity, one kindness, one true good act.

“Oppa, how do you know someone is kind and someone is not?” She asked. Park Junghyun’s ears perks up almost immediately. “I mean, how do you know someone is sincere or not?”

He gave her a very long stare, while she was busy scribbling on her music sheets. They were on the studio, preparing for her upcoming albums within the next three months. It was the final preparation and Jieun wanted to make sure every notes fall perfect. Junghyun was accompanying her, in case she fell asleep on the cold floor, or worn herself out. Lee Ji Eun kept her hands busy to keep her mind off unnecessary things. Things she did not want to think about.

“You don’t,” Junghyun shrugged. “We give them a chance. If they backstabbed us, we gave them another chance. If they still backstabbed us, we stopped giving them chances.”

“You’re confused, aren’t you?” Junghyun laughed and ruffled the latter’s hair. “They said we’d know someone is bad or good by looking at their eyes. It’s wrong though. Some people are foolish enough to make it obvious; some others are born to be extremely smart, while others are born to be suspicious.” He shrugged, “in the end, we never know who’s bad or good. We gave them chances and ended up with back full of scars. But when we find the right person, the pain stopped.”

“There’s no other way?” Jieun stopped scribbling on her music sheets and strummed her guitar.

“It’s a matter of trust.” He stared at her and started scribbling on his agenda. “How do you know I won’t backstab you?”

“You’re Junghyun oppa. You won’t backstab me.”

“How do I know you won’t backstab me?” He asked back. She frowned and pouted, puffing her pinkish cheek. “Because you’re Lee Ji Eun, so I know you won’t backstab me.” He answered instantly. “See? It’s a matter of trust.”

 “Why are you thinking of something so complex?” He hit her head with his agenda. “IU-ssi, get back to work.”

“Oppa,” she smiled, “thank you.”

“Anything for you.”

Park Junghyun always had a way to make her smile. Lee Ji Eun realized despite all the backstabbed she had to suffer from, Park Junghyun has always been there for her. She believed he would never backstab her. He believed she would never backstab him. He would knew when she was hurt. He would comfort her. He could always make her smile. She was glad to have someone like him. Perhaps, true love does not lie between lovers, but between families.

***

When Luhan appeared on her front door for the nth time, she slammed her door close almost immediately. Her room was back to a dark room, but without the smell of alcohol. It smells of fresh cheery blossoms and green tea scent, something he left in her room. He knew she wouldn’t welcome him warmly. In fact, he expected her to yell at him. Instead, she slammed the door close without anymore words.

“Leave!” “Leave!” She yelled, when he knocked on her door once again.

“IU-ssi, I’m –“

“Leave!” She screamed her lungs out, and then with a pleading voice, she asked him, “Why are you being so kind to me?”

“I am sincere.”

“How do I know you are sincere?” Her voice cracked. She slide down the wall and sat on the floor, leaning against the wall.

“I am sincere.”

“Luhan-ssi, please –“

“I will leave. But IU-ssi, please make sure you will eat and sleep well tonight.”

I am sincere.

Luhan was persistent enough to keep on appearing by her front door, despite her request. She had begged him to give her some more time. He kept appearing by her front door, day by day. He did not say anything, except claiming his sincerity on what he did. He returned the money she had given her the other day. Still, she was afraid on accepting him, on claiming his sincerity. There was no guarantee, was there?

He was about to leave when he heard the crackling sound inside, then the sound of something crashing. He was sure it was one of his pots, the once he has placed with beautiful flowers inside. Or, maybe, it was one of the plates. All he could do was to inhale deeply. She wouldn’t let him in and he knew she needed time. Yet he couldn’t help but to check on her almost every day. Inhaling deeply, he was about to take another step when someone grab him by the wrist.

She held him tightly by the wrist with her tiny fingers, clutching tightly on to him. Her skin was pale, paler than his. She stared at his brown orbs. He realized she often sink herself inside his eyes. Her eyes lit up in a way, where he could see sadness and pain radiating from it. He could see his reflection in her eyes. Her fingers were bleeding, causing his skin to be stained in her blood. Her nails dug deep in his skin. What comes out next was unpredictable. In his life, he had never once thought he’d hear such a thing.

“Heal me,”

Heal me.

Author Note

Chronophobia is a fear of time. Ever heard of that? It doesn't really make sense, but I didn't make that up. Anybody has it? I do! (which extremely annoying at times) and since my writerblock has started to kick in, no updates until I managed to grab a hold of it! Bye! Comments are loved! Subscribe too!