“Pain demands to be felt – John Green”

It has been three months since they both decided to end their relationship, but honestly it was her one-sided decision that ends up hurting both sides. But was it truly for the best? Was getting back together a better choice? Nevertheless, it was too late. Jieun lost her track of days, she was a mess. She would spend the night sleepless, or else drinking as reality turns sober. She would fall asleep, then abruptly waking up late in the morning, to find the horrifying reality – he was no longer there. She locked herself up, pushing everyone away. She became a beautiful figure, so weak and vulnerable, and almost breaking, out of reach. An angel, yes, she was an angel, a tragic and ill-fated fallen angel.

Kai, the same thing could be said about the now-full-of-regrets man. He would spend his time daydreaming, he often neglected his own health and ended up catching cold now and then. He often skipped meals. He, too, was nothing but a mess. He often dozed off during rehearsals, resulting countless scoldings and also suspensions. But he was a lot better compared to his now ex-lover. Luhan, the man who was merely fulfilling Lee Ji Eun’s favor has always been there for him, taking care of him as how the woman would have. It should have been a sign of comfort, yet the man’s kindness hurt him even more. His heart longs for her.

Pain demands to be felt. The universe was simply cruel and life was nothing but hardships, at least it is to Lee Ji Eun. It seems it was the rule that bound the livings as they mingle in the world of the living. Those who went against it, as how of those who went against other rules, are to be punished without an exception. However, it was clear how the universe’s punishment will be much more cruel, cold, and merciless. But Lee Ji Eun couldn’t help it, but to go against the rules, and again neglecting the consequences that lie before her eyes.

It has been too long, since she lived in the world of fantasy – the little magical world Kai has created for her, her and her happiness. It has been too long and she grew spoiled. At first, it was a bit too much to believe such a lovely world existed but Kai was magical, she couldn’t deny how magical and simply amazing the man was, and will always be. There would be times where she doubted in, only to naively believe in it all over again. Therefore, when the bitter reality hits her, as her little fantasy runs out of magic, it tasted bitter, to an extent that dying sounded sweeter than sugar. She grew spoiled, because fantasy suddenly became bitter, she ran away.

It has been three months. It has been that long, of not seeing each other, of not being next to each other, of not being together. The pain lived and she spent her day running away from it. For the first two weeks after their break up, she decided to take a break from the entertainment industry. She took her break for two weeks, after much arguments and persuasion with her agency. She told them, she’d need it so badly. She couldn’t possibly perform well with a lot of thoughts in her head. She couldn’t be faking obviously-fake-smile or cry during her bright songs. She told them and told herself that she needed this. She needed to break free and rest well, so she could get over it well too. She shut herself up, she locked herself from outside world, refusing to meet anyone or to know anyone.

But she was wrong, during the first two weeks after their break-up, the world goes darker and deeper. The world seems to spin in a rapid speed, where all she could do was count the days, and suddenly everything was gone in a blink of an eye. But then, she was unable to move, she was trapped between the movements of the world, trapped in time. She’d count the days during morning, and then everything would have been gone by night. She’d looked up to the sky, daydreaming, wondering about him. He was always there, in her mind. The more she tried to empty everything, the more he came to fill everything. She hated it. He became her sanity, yet he drove her insane.

Then, she told herself she has had enough, of hurting, of living day by day in pain. She was seeking an instant way to run away, from the pain, from the past, from everything. She was longing for the bright shiny stage, where she could chase after her dreams and happiness, leaving everything behind, running away from the engulfing pain. Two weeks after her being missing from the entertainment industry and with her schedules abruptly being cancelled, articles started to pop up. Some were questioning and soon she decided it was time to seek for the instant healers. She worked herself, to an extent where she wondered if she had died. It was the only thing she could do to run away, to work as if she had died.

In the other hand, Kim Jongin was a man who has yet to move on from his ex. She still held a precious spot in his heart, which he doubts anyone would be able to replace her. He was living well; Luhan took care of him well. Kai was aware that the older was simply fulfilling his crush favor, Lee Ji Eun’s favor for him to take care of her beloved ones. He was eating well, resting well, and working well. There were times though, where he’d locked himself up inside his room, looking back at the past, looking up to the sky, wondering about the “what ifs” and “what is”. He would spend his time, looking back at the fragments of the old days. Lee Ji Eun, is there any hopes of them to reconcile? Could he, once again, resurrect the old days? Because he has yet to move on. But the more he thinks about it, the clearer it got: he couldn’t.

He was too late; Kim Jongin has learnt the bitter reality of being too late. He couldn’t chase her, even if he grasps her, she couldn’t be his. It was too big, and too late. He was hurting, she did too, but again the wounds might live forever big in their hearts. He couldn’t heal her, and she would always be his missing piece. Bae Suzy, the world knows they’re dating. Kai has to admit, Bae Suzy was prettier, but she wasn’t Lee Ji Eun.

And there was another man in their relationship, who has done nothing to ruin the two, instead he has been a very helpful party in which Lee Ji Eun was very thankful for. Luhan. Luhan. It has been three months since the two contacted each other, at the night of the couple breakup. Lee Ji Eun was crying and he knew he couldn’t comfort her. Silence was the best comfort; it was something he learnt after meeting her. It has been three months and he missed her, he’d be anxious from time to time or worried. But then, he’d shrugged it off. What she once said of not wanting to be save, he finally understands. Again, it was a question he has yet to answer, why does human desperately protect their life only to suffer? If he eventually found the answer, then maybe he could help her. It was her question that she asked day by day, seeking for answer.

It was Sunday evening, when it was dusk, and the sky was absolutely amazing. It was their first break after months of promotion. It was tiring, nevertheless fun and enjoyable. It was what they have wished for ever since they became trainee – to shine the brightest on stage. Luhan was trying to enjoy his break to the fullest, since it will rarely come and even more in the future. Again, it was a daily habit of him, to be sitting in front of the TV, changing the channel every now and then. It has been three months since he last saw her, but then it has been every day that he saw her. The first two weeks after their breakup, Luhan grew worried over Lee Ji Eun’s condition. She disappeared from the entertainment industry without a word, despite being the hottest issue. He would wonder if she is living well, if she did anything stupid, or if she is crying. He’d wonder what she has been thinking, what she has been feeling, but none came to life to be an answer of his question. She cut off her connection; no one knows what happened to her. But it was months ago.

Again, it was as usual. He found her everywhere for the past three months. She’d appear on the small screen, doing everything she could – acting, singing, MC-ing. She was everywhere, on every channel he tuned into. She was also everywhere, each time he the radio. It was as if she has been working non-stop. Whether it was a pre-recorded or a live broadcast, she’d appear on them every now and then, all the time. He was, at first, happy. But as it goes on, circling the never-ending cycle of the world and time, he grew worried. Again and again, he’d try to read her mind, something he knew he wouldn’t be capable of.

Dancing on stage, despite her skill being less than average, he wondered why. Singing on stage, singing her soul out, he wondered why. Smiling on stage, the brightest one could ever seen, he wondered how. What was she hiding? What was she thinking? Why was she doing that? He wanted to know if she’s okay, if she’s still hiding behind the façade she puts on, or as if she has healed. Did she spent the morning crying and the night drinking? He wanted to know. Once again, he cringed after seeing her figure smiling ever-so brightly on screen. He’d always wonder what she’s thinking, and Kai would wonder if they could made up, and the EXO and Lee Ji Eun who were drifting away from each other.

Sunday night, a great time to hang out and enjoy ourselves. But a part of being a celebrities, the glamour and the fame, the money and the luxury, followed certain consequences. The world always ran after them, if they got chased, they’d come crashing down without anything to hold on to. It was their dream, to be able to hang out freely. So, despite enjoying the night out, they gathered together, watching movies together or simply doing their own business inside the dorm. It’s been months since they have their “bonding time”, but again they passed their chance to do so. They knew better than anyone that their “bonding time” will only worsen Kai’s condition that has just gotten better.

Sunday night, each in their room, some calling home, some watching TV shows, some who’s busy fiddling with their phone, some who’s asleep, and some others who spent the night thinking. Kim Jongin spent the night trying to sleep so badly but failed. Three months and he swore he has never missed someone this much. Lee Ji Eun, how good and tempting it sounded to hold her in his arms. He wanted to know what she’s been up to, but scared. He became a coward and he was well-aware of it, of how cowardly he acts after their break-up. But today, he was at her limits; he did what others told him not to, surfing through the internet for articles.

He wanted to know what she’s been up to, if she’s warmly welcome, if she’s doing a good job. And he wanted to know a research on how people looked at him. It was not a good choice, Jieun would scold him if she ever knew, yet she wasn’t there anymore. He chuckled, imagining her cute pouts, and again the sweet way of her scolding him. She would say: that’s not a very wise choice, you know. And he’d hug her in return whispering the sweet three words, and they’d spent the night together. It was long ago and now what once was sweet became absolutely bitter.

Breaking! Soloist and Nation Little Sister IU reported to be rushed to the hospital after collapsing during a pre-recording.

Did his heart just stop? He swore he couldn’t breathe at the moment. His mind went blank, the coldness growing in him. A sharp gust of wind went through his body. It was white; everything was white, growing black in every second of it. Why? What are you doing Lee Ji Eun? He could’ve gotten mad, but he tried to restrained himself. He bit his lower lips, hands trembling, as he scanned through an article. A photo was attached to it, a loving figure. She was so pale and thin, she looked as if she’s been hurt. He broke. He truly broke.

“Jieun! Lee Ji Eun!” He yelled, mewling like a helpless and homeless man. It was pathetic, enough to shock everyone. “I need to see her.” He whispered, grabbing the thin piece of jacket as he prepared to go out. It was dripping outside.

“Kai! Calm down! What’s wrong?!” Suho, immediately run towards the boy and hold him.

“Jieun! Hyung, I need to see Jieun!” Kai growled, crying.

“Wha –“ Suho was cut off by the Chinese boy, horror reflected in his eyes. “Jieun… Jieun’s in hopistal.” Luhan explained, he had a bad expression on which managed to worsen almost everything. “She collapsed.” And how glad Suho would be if they boy hasn’t describe her using the last word.

“Calm down, Kai! She collapsed; she needed rest, a good one before meeting people. Let’s settle it here. Okay? Tomorrow morning, she’ll be the first person you see. Give her the rest she needed.” Suho said, Kai hanging his head low as he returned to his room. The leader, the wisest among them, was right.

***

Jieun woke up, in the middle of the night. She didn’t like the surrounding smell; it was the smell of strong alcohol and drugs. It was stronger than how it was at home. She felt sick, her stomach grumbling, she felt the urge to puke. She twisted then turns, trying to search for the comfortable position so she could get back to sleep. But she couldn’t. Once she fluttered both eyes opened, the pain shot throughout her petite body. It was painful, her head was hurting, her heart was thumping. She gripped on the side of the bed, so she could hold back the pain.

It was an unfamiliar place, of which she couldn’t recall how she got here. She remembered seeing everything spin around, as if the earthquake was coming for her. Then everything out, her manager calling out her name. She wondered if that was her end that the world has finally come crushing down on her. She smiled, she remembered smiling and biding her goodbye. She didn’t remember anything, but was surprised to be alive.

“Okay. Okay. I’m sorry. I’ll let you know when she woke up. Yeah, I’ll ask her. Yes. Yes. Goodnight. Thank you. Yeah. I’m sorry.” It was her manager voice, the Chipmunk man.

“Oppa,” she called out then flinched because of her sore throat. Her voice came very weak.

“Yes, Jieun-ah?”

“Sorry,” she smiled bitterly.

“For what?” he ruffled her hair and took a seat beside her.

“This and everything.” She said. “People must be blaming you and the CEO by now. They’d say you didn’t give me enough rest; you keep overworking me, trying to got as much money as you can. It was me though, who keep asking for more. It’s my fault, yet people are blaming you, even the CEO will be angry at you. It’s unfair. I’m sorry.”

“You silly girl,” he smiled so charmingly, the comforts she needed. “That’s not your fault. After all, you need to calm yourself, to clear your mind after having a hard time. Right? Break-ups are never easy.”

Jieun was taken aback. She never told him she was dating or breaking up. It was something she kept off the record, despite being close with him. Nevertheless, she smiled so charmingly, so happily and peacefully, as if she has met her healer. “I know. I know. How could you know?”

“The way you smile so crazily after a phone call… the way you looked forward to go home… everything. What do you think I am? I am your oppa. I know everything about my little sister.” He smiled and ruffled her hair once more. “I’m not mad, okay? It’s perfectly normal. Kept what you think need to be kept and share what shall be share. Now, rest well okay?” He kissed her forehead and she nodded. How wonderful.

***

Was it a dream?

The sun rays gently went through the thin layer of white curtain. The yellow rays was friendlier than usual. It warmly greeted her, shining upon her petite body, giving her warmth within the cold hospital room. The sun has never been this friendly. She woke up, still her body ached, but she was happy Somehow in the room, in the warm greetings of the sun, and the fading presence, it brought peace and relief upon her. She felt contented.

Turning to her left, she found the clock ticking in a way that she loved. Slow but surely on time. It was cozy and she loved it. She breath in the air, warm and fresh, hw lovely. Reality has never been this lovely, that she started to doubt this was real. Dream, this must be it, or the afterlife. Maybe she died last night, maybe the afterlife is real, maybe the promised happiness she always faithfully holds on to is real… maybe or maybe this was just a dream, her first sweet dream after years of nightmare.

Her lips form a splendid smile, thin and fading but beautiful. She was at peace, not that happy but contented. Turning to her right, she realized something was not right but chooses to shrug it off. There was this familiar presence, too familiar to be strange, but felt out of place. But somehow letting the presence be was for her own good, it was the source of her comfort.

“Hey, feeling better?” He asked, running his finger against her skin, tracing her delicate face features, twirling her long brown hair. He, then, wrapped an arm around her tiny waist to pull her closer. She smiled in return.

This is a dream, she told herself. Reality has always been bitter and she broke up long ago, if it’s real then Kai wouldn’t be here next to her. Dream, this was her first sweet dream after years of nightmare. How splendid. They spent the time, smiling to each other, enjoying the presence they both longed for. Silence. No word was let out but feelings were conveyed.

“Ca – can we still get back together?” Jieun asked after the long silence. This is a dream, this is a dream.

He stared at her; his pair of pitch dark eyes darkens. He turned gloomy as a long sigh escape his lips. He pulled her closer, afraid that he’d lost her again. “I love you, Jieun. I love you. I always do. But,” it sounded horrifying, “we couldn’t. I did something very wrong. I… I just couldn’t.” He stammered, but she knew he was sincere. This is a dream, Lee Ji Eun.

Jieun had to say it hurts, despite being a dream. She couldn’t cry, but she knew she would later on. She would be sad, drinking again, wondering again, thinking about things. She could only sigh and smiled in return, she traced her fingers against his face, his hair.

“Let’s just rest, Jieun. Let’s just rest.” He said, as she closed both her eyes to sleep in his embrace one last time. He planted a kiss on her forehead. One last kiss.

“Goodbye, Jongin. Good night.” She said, dozing off to dreamland.

***

Lee Ji Eun woke up, when the clock strike 12 in the afternoon. She felt a lot better, her body still ached but it felt lighter than how it used to be. The sun was friendly, although it was mostly cloudy outside as if it would rain soon. Her heart was thumping loudly against her chest, as she regained her consciousness after her sweet dream that ended bitterly. It was still the same atmosphere, with the same fading presence of his. Was it a dream? It didn’t feel real at all.

Turning to her right, she sensed his fading presence that has been replaced by the coldness. His scent was stuck next to her, the scent he longed for. It was real, oh dear, it was real. She tried to search for him, but then stopped herself after remembering their conversation. It couldn’t, their relationship couldn’t be fix. Instead of crying, she smiled. Although it hurt, she smiled knowing it ended for good.

She turned to her left, shocked by the sudden appearance of the golden key – the key to her apartment that she failed to get back from Luhan. It was returned to Kai, he left a message for her. She chuckled, and smiled, remembering moments that became memories by now. Sweet yet bitter, yet she regretted none of them. If she is to be given another chance, she’d still choose to be with him.

I’m sorry. He wrote.

She smiled, knowing she’d be hurting and crying her lungs out later on. She didn’t know why but it felt good. It felt good knowing they have ended for real. She could stop, she could stop wishing to fix everything, she could stop holding on to these feelings. She could move on, despite it being impossible. She didn’t know why but she felt relieved. She wasn’t happy but she was contented.

Kim Jongin exited her room. It was a surprised how she didn’t cry or went mad after seeing him. Instead, she gently charmed him with her beautiful smile and touched him. He fell for her, harder than how it used to be. But he knew it was too late. He said his goodbye, letting her go. It was supposed to hurt, but it didn’t. He felt sad, but contented. He felt better. He loved her, more than that she could ever imagine, but this is the time to let go. He gave up on her, and he knew it’s time to stop wondering about things and moved on.

Goodbye, Lee Ji Eun.

Goodbye, Kim Jongin.

Author Note

Hello! Firstly, I'd like to greet everyone! Happy Chinese New Year! Today has been a very busy and tiring day for me, and tomorrow will be another tiring day. But it was fun! I had lots of fun, how about you? 

Writing a chapter never took me this long, so I hope this turns out well. Is it too long? I think it's a bit long. This is the last KaiU you'll see for the next few chapters. I think readers deserved to know what happen after their break up. I do think it's a bit naive and less realistic. But hopefully, you all enjoy it! Happy readings, readers!

I'd like to thank everyone who subscribed, upvoted, comments, and read!